Sunday, January 30, 2011

World Ending Soon; Clean Underwear Advised

Warning: Contents under pressure, do not puncture.  Please dispose of properly. 
_______________________________________________________________________________

Here's a minor news item that you may have missed: The world is going to end on May 21, 2011.

LG knows this is true, because he saw the sign below in the Lexington Avenue Subway stop under Grand Central Station yesterday:





















 




Surely New York City's Metropolitan Transit Authority doesn't allow untrue signs in subway stops.
This is Earth exploding.  It looks like it will hurt.
And probably be uncomfortably hot.  Dress lightly.

Further, the good people at FamilyRadio.com wouldn't lie to us, would they?

If we were talking about SingleDrifterWithNoJobRadio.com maybe it would be suspect.  And, certainly,  HomelessGuyWithADrugHabitRadio.com would lack credibility.  But not good ole FamilyRadio.com.






So where does this leave us?  Here are some thoughts:  

  • May 21st is the birthday of LG's sister MIG.  He's already informed her that he's not buying her a present until May 22nd.  No sense wasting money, especially at a time like that.
This chap is no doubt going monkey.

  • Make sure that you're wearing clean underwear on May 21st; you never know what Heaven's admission criteria will be.  LG guesses that people lacking underwear (i.e. going "commando," "monkey" or "free ballin'") need not apply for the eternal reward.  "If thou junk hangeth pell mell, be ye condemned straight to Hell."  [LG just made that up, it's not in the Bible.  Fooled you.]
  • The good news is that the ancient Mayans predicted that the world wouldn't end until Decemeber 21, 2012 so we might have more time than FamilyRadio.com thinks.  If we get past May 21, 2011, LG  advises wearing clean underwear on December 21, 2012 also.  We won't go so far, however, as to recommend wearing clean underwear everyday, that's a bit extreme, especially for you commandos out there.

    This has nothing to do with the coming Apocalypse. 
    It was just meant to scare you in a general way.
  • The band REM will be in big demand on May 20th to play their hit "It's The End of the World As We Know It."  Our understanding is that it's currently the #1 requested song on FamilyRadio.com.

  • Only a fool would get a colonoscopy or visit their mother-in-law on May 20th. 

  




 
  • When asked what he would do if he knew the world would be ending shortly, young Henry, who can be seen in THE VIDEO CLIP ON THIS POST smashing cake into his own face, said he'd throw a butcher knife off the 9th floor balcony in his NYC apartment without concern for anyone below.  OK, at least he has a plan.

    And if you accidentally forget to wear clean underwear on May 21st, don't worry, it's not the end of the world.  Oh, wait, sorry, it is....our bad. 

    We invite you to leave a comment, if you are so moved. to tell us what you'll do in advance of the world ending on May 21st.  Comment today, don't put it off until May 22nd! 

    Scoff at us now, but if the world really ends on that date, The LG Report will have had the last laugh -- and don't think we won't rub it in!
    __________________________________

    Big news: Our next installment of The LG Report's 50-State Intervew Series goes overseas to check in with Carol from England.  Technically, England is not one of the 50 U.S. States, but since it used to own us, it sorta counts.  We're expanding our horizons, so just back off and enjoy, you only have until May 21st!

    We look forward to having you stop back again soon.  
















    Wednesday, January 26, 2011

    More Saving, More Doing, More Cliches: Home Depot

    For your protection, readers of The LG Report are under video surveillance at all times.  Yes, that includes you, the one in the bunny pajamas.  But not you in the adult diapers, we turned your camera off.
    ______________________________________________________
    LG recently had to visit his local Home Depot to get some wood.  Why?  Good question.



    You may remember Sophie, also known as Lucifer's Dog.  If you don't believe she's Lucifer's Dog (By the way, LG is not typing the bold-face and italics, that's happening by itself), look at this picture:
     
    Clearly, that's the Green Eye of Evil, as chronicled in the Bible's Book of Narnia.  Don't stare too long, you'll turn into a pillar of salt substitute.  She's a healthy Lucifer's Dog.  

    Anyway, for some inexplicable reason, at 18 months old, Sophie has suddenly decided that she isn't comfortable climbing "open" stairs that have no backing (or "risers.")   On many nights, Sophie will remain in the backyard, looking up from the bottom of the doggie door steps, while her owner, MIG, beckons her inside.

    Eventually, Sophie will climb the stairs, reluctantly, like a chocolate chip cookie trying to sneak past Kirstie Alley.


    So LG had to get some wood to close off the back of the stairs.  He took measurements, just like a real carpenter would, only using his patented Half-Assed Method.  Real carpenters live by the motto: "Measure twice, cut once."  LG goes by "Take your best guess, and save the receipt."   

    Below is what the lumber section looks like at Home Depot.  You have your pine, maple, oak, cedar, synthetic compressed, particle board... that's about the extent of LG's wood knowledge.  Some of that might not actually be right either, so don't rely on it.  If you're building your house based upon recommendations from The LG Report, you have bigger problems anyway.   
     

    LG didn't snap a photo of the accommodating gentleman who helped him.  Many of the Home Depot employees these days are angry ex-CEOs and investment bankers, so you don't want to piss them off.  They're just looking for an excuse to pop somebody, and taking their picture is plenty good enough.

    Here's what this gentleman's more approachable co-worker looked like:    

    Long story short (LG knows, you're saying "Already too late..."), LG "fixed" the stairs (in the loosest sense of the word) and Sophie seems to be a bit better about coming inside now. 

    Home Depot is certainly no Walmart when it comes to people watching, but LG couldn't resist commenting on these photos: 


    Is it just LG, or does anyone else see the subliminal sexual message here as this harlot tries to lure men into buying a faucet? 

    It's just LG?  Oh, OK, we were afraid that might be the case.  Never mind.

    This photo depicts the Home Depot that was specially built on the grounds of the Neverland Ranch in California.

    When he asked her to walk down the aisle with him, she didn't realize it was Aisle 27, Cleaning Supplies.

    Other than a bride and groom, there's not much else unusual in this photo.  Unless you count that caveman on the left.  He got laid off from GEICO and is just waiting to be fitted for his orange apron.       

    Finally, here's a shot of LG driving home with his wood purchase.  He bought a little extra just in case his measurements were off:


    Thanks for stopping by, and please come back soon.  If we didn't offend you today, we'll try harder next time...

    And remember, The LG Report: More Savings, More Laughing!


    .

    Monday, January 24, 2011

    McDonald's: LISTEN UP!

    [Editor's Note: This is a re-post of an LG Report that first appeared on January 8, 2010 -- but only  Marilu Henner remembers that.  The LG Report has never before re-posted, but now we're hitting the big-time and mimicking all of the other wildly successful blogs.  However, to add a twist, we're editing (and improving upon) the original piece a bit.  Special thanks to The LG Report's Southeastern Marketing Manager, Jill, who suggested this re-post in the first place.]    


    Why McDonald's Will Never Be Successful

    Granted, that headline might be a tad dramatic -- and not quite accurate. Considering that McDonald's has 31,000 locations in 118 countries, LG begrudgingly concedes that it might be successful already. Their restaurants serve about 58 million people a day. Not bad. LG wouldn't mind having that many daily hits on The LG Report.

    Before LG goes further, yes, yes, we know, you never eat at McDonald's. Just like you don't shop at Target. Neither does LG.  Let's proceed under that pretense, but please read on anyway...

    This is a McDonald's, for those of you who don't know what one looks like, since you don't eat there.  LG bets your kids would recognize it. And LG thinks you would recognize it under different circumstances, like, say, if you were drunk at 3 a.m. In fact, you might even climb into the drive-thru window if you thought your Big Mac was being unnecessarily delayed.

    This particular McDonald's is on Fulton Street in Manhattan. None of those people gave LG permission to take their picture, but their backs are to the camera, so screw 'em.
    Do you remember little ole Clara Peller, the woman who screamed "Where's the beef?!!" in 1980s Wendy's commercials?  If Clara, who, LG believes, ate too much beef and died of colon cancer a while back, were here today to bellow her signature line, LG's response would be:

    "The beef's right here and it's between LG and McDonald's!!!!" (We went with four exclamation points to show extreme anger and frustration...)

    Allow LG to explain. Calmly, we promise.

    The "Green Revolution" is everywhere. All of America, and the world, really, wants to be "green" and environmentally friendly.  It's hip, cool, stylish, in vogue.  Green is definitely "in." 

    Save The Earth, It's The Only One We Have

    Think Globally, Act Locally.

    You've seen the t-shirts.  When in doubt, live your life according to t-shirt slogans.

    LG came up with an excellent "green" idea that could save McDonald's millions of dollars. Literally, millions of dollars.  Maybe gadzillions even. And it would be good for the Earth.  It would also promote McDonald's image as a "green company," something that all businesses crave. Additionally, McDonalds' customers would feel like they're doing their part to help the environment.  Making your customers feel good is smart business. Did we mention that The LG Report has the highest average reader I.Q. of any blog in the internet?  But you probably knew that already since you're so smart.


    This is a win/win/win/win idea all the way around.  LG could've added more "/wins" to that sentence, but we didn't want to exaggerate. It's a four-way win, at least, believe us. 

    And LG's fee for bringing this great idea to McDonald's: NOTHING. NADA. ZILCH.  LG doesn't want a dime, he just wants to help the environment and stop waste.

    Now to the idea (sometimes LG gets carried away with the build-up.)


    If you purchase a "meal" at McDonald's, you'll get something resembling this:




    Notice the big and bulky cardboard French fry box. Ironically, the soda cup contains a statement saying that McDonald's is working to reduce paper waste. LIARS!


    LG'S IDEA: Give customers who are eating on premises the option of having their French fries placed directly into the top of the burger box. Simple.


    By doing this, McDonald's would: 1) save the cost of a French fry box; 2) reduce landfill waste; 3) reduce the number of trees cut down to make French fry boxes; and 4) produce a myriad of other benefits, such as reducing the number of boxes of supplies that must be trucked around the country, thereby saving fuel.


    The benefits to McDonald's and the Earth are plentiful. And the customer would feel good about saving a fry box from the eco-system. McDonald's could create a clever phrase for ordering this way. For example, "I'll have the eco-friendly number four meal." Or "I'll have a number six meal. LG Report style."  Hey, just a suggestion.


    LG is sure that McDonald's has an army of advertising and marketing people who can figure something out. LG can't do everything for them.


    Here's what an eco-friendly Green Meal would look like:




    Folks, that's not an artist's rendition, that's an actual Green Meal as photographed by The LG Report. Astute readers may notice a few fries missing. We're sure they fell out in the bag; LG certainly didn't eat them.


    Burp. Ok, you got LG again.


    You would think that the McDonald's Corporation would be eager to solicit innovative ideas like this from customers...err, we mean bloggers. Again, LG doesn't eat there.

    Well guess what...if you thought that, you'd be WRONG!


    On the McDonald's website and you'll find a Frequently Asked Questions link. When you click on it, here's one of the questions you'll see: 


    1. How do I share an idea with McDonald's about a new product, service, promotional concept or other innovation that I believe would benefit McDonald's?


    In what can only be termed a perfect example of American corporate stupidity, when you click on that link, you're advised:





    Translation: "Talk to the hand, 'cause the face don't understand!"


    Why in the world wouldn't McDonald's just say "We don't accept outside suggestions" on the FAQ page? By luring people into a link that shoots them down, they're just creating more ill will. 


    If McDonald's were in the Corporate America playpen, it would be the company eating its crayons. Super-sized crayons.



    McDonald's website says that the company uses packaging to enhance their image and get their message across to consumers. Meanwhile, millions of French fry boxes are being needlessly manufactured and discarded, killing trees and burdening landfills. Is Mayor McCheese aware of this excessive waste?


    LG is going to boycott McDonald's!


    Unless, of course, he's really hungry and it's convenient at the time. But he'll definitely ask the counter person to put the fries in the burger box lid.  Somewhere, a tree will thank LG.  Or a branch anyway.

    Thursday, January 20, 2011

    The 50-State Interview Series Lassos Miss Yvonne in Texas!

    Today, The LG Report straps on its......spurs (what did you think, pig?!) and rides its trusty steed down to the Lone Star State to interview the incomparable Miss Yvonne, writer of the wildly popular, and very funny, Yo Mama's Blog

    As regular readers of The LG Report (and even the constipated ones) know, this is just the latest in our on-going series of state interviews.  We've already covered Arizona California, Florida, Illinois, Massachusetts, Maine, Minnesota, Montana, New York, Ohio and Pennsylvania

    Curiously, three of our interviewees to date, including Miss Yvonne and Kate, have been Minnesota natives, but only one, Pearl, still lives there.  There must be something in the snow, ice or hotdishes up there that inclines one towards blogging.    

    Without further delay (if you can really consider LG's witty repartee to be "delay"), we present Miss Yvonne:


    Let's Hope They Don't Sue Us  For Using Their Logo







    Ms. Yvonne Did Not Make This Monkey
    The LG Report:  Miss Yvonne,  you write the highly-acclaimed blog "Yo-Mama’s Blog," (subtitled “I don’t make monkeys  I just train ‘em”) which has over 500 followers and can be accessed by clicking HERE.  How did you come up with that name?  TMZ inferred recently that you might indeed be responsible for making some monkeys.



    Miss Yvonne:   Despite what you might have read on TMZ, those damn dirty liars are incorrect.  I have never made any monkeys.  Yo Mama’s Blog appeared to me in a dream involving Harry Connick Jr., a rolling donut and some dental floss.  I won’t go into details here because of the delicate content of the dream, but let’s just say that I totally made that part up and the real (boring) story is that I thought it would be a funny blog title.  The subtitle is taken from the best and greatest movie ever made in the entire history of the world, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure

    The LG Report:  We see from your blog profile that you live at DFW (Dallas-Fort Worth Airport, we believe that means) in Texas.  Do you live in one specific part of the airport or do you “keep moving” as the security guards might say?

    She Does Not, In Fact, Live Here
    Miss Yvonne:  I like to camp out under the terminal overpasses for fun sometimes.  But I don’t actually live AT the airport.  I live in one of the suburbs of Dallas.   I’d tell you which one, but I don’t need another stalker.  Unless you bring cake.  If you bring cake, I will totally let you stalk me because ohmygod cake is my favorite word ever.  Cake.  Cake cake cake.  So happy.

    The LG Report:  Yo Mama’s Blog could be construed as an aggressive or insulting name in certain parts of the country.  What does it signify in Texas?  Is it a term of endearment? 

    Miss Yvonne:  Well, that’s me in a nutshell…aggressive and insulting.  Which fits because most everything in Texas can be construed as aggressive or insulting by some parts of the country as well.   I use the phrase “your mom” excessively in my daily life.  I find that it covers a wide range of insults that I can’t think of a better comeback for. 

    The LG Report:  Do you think that Texas will ever rejoin the United States of America or will it remain an independent republic under President Rick Perry?

    Miss Yvonne:   Well, since I’m actually from Minnesota, have only lived in Texas for 11 years and consider myself to be quite liberal and democratic, I can’t really say many nice things about Rick Perry.  He has good posture.  That’s about it. 

    Unless You Want A Boot Up Yer Ass Pardner
    The LG Report:  Why shouldn't we "mess with Texas" as all of those t-shirts, bumper stickers and beer can coozies (you know, those foam rubber beer can holders; we're not sure what they’re officially called...) tell us?   What's Texas gonna do to us? 

    Miss Yvonne:  Probably put a boot in yer ass, if Toby Keith or half of my husband’s relatives have anything to say about it. 



    The LG Report:  What's your favorite thing about living in Texas?

    Miss Yvonne:  Definitely the wildflowers that grow here in the spring.  You haven’t seen beautiful until you’ve been in Texas in April.  Yep, definitely the wildflowers.  And also the margaritas.  Because duh. 

    The LG Report:  Miss Yvonne, we've all heard the Texas phrase "All hat and no cowboy."  Can you explain this to us and/or give us an example of someone who is all hat and no cowboy?

    Miss Yvonne:  Hell if I know what that means.  My guess is it has something to do with penises.   As in “that guy is all sock-stuffed-in-his-jeans and no big-genitals.”   I’m probably right.  I usually am.   

    The LG Report:  What secret tourist attraction, unknown to readers of The LG Report, would you recommend to first-time visitors to the Republic of Texas?

    Miss Yvonne:  The basement of The Alamo.   

    The LG Report:  Have you ever fired a rifle at a Native American while riding a horse?  This is a New Yorker's view of daily life in Texas in case you're wondering.

    Miss Yvonne:  Only once.  But in my defense, it was for charity. 

    The LG Report:  Have you ever stood up and flipped over a poker table in the backroom of a saloon right before firing your six-shooter into the ceiling when you felt someone was cheating at cards?  No doubt a chunk of plaster and powder landed on your hat. 

    This sign is not necessary in the other 49 states.
    Miss Yvonne:  Who doesn’t?  I’m proud to say that I only accidentally shot the piano player three times.   That hooker was on purpose. 

    The LG Report:  When was the last time that you actually said “Yo Mama!” to someone?  Please describe the circumstance in English, not Texan.

    Miss Yvonne:  I prefer to describe it in Minnesotan….

    Oh yah, so this morning I was at the gas station and dontcha know this funny lookin’ fella pulled up next to me and yelled that I was taking too long fill up my car?  Well, I just yelled back at the fella that I would be done when I was good and ready to be.  Yah , I sure did.  And the fella said if I wasn’t careful he’d bump my rear end out of the way.   So I told the fella “Oh yah?  Your mom bumps my rear end!  Yah!  You betcha she does!”. 

    The LG Report:  Now we come to everyone's favorite part of the interview, where we kill off Geo locally.  We know you don't know Geo, but to know him is to want to kill him.  He shops too much and is a picky eater.  If Geo galloped into Texas on his steed, how would you knock him off:

    a.  Bring him to Texas Motor Speedway to watch a NASCAR race and tell him "it's safe to cross" as you push him in front of a speeding car (preferably not Dale, Jr.'s because we want him to win);

    b.  Fill his back pockets with very tasty cattle feed and then bring him onto the field at a University of Texas football game and watch Bevo, the Longhorns' mascot, fatally gore Geo in an attempt to get at the goodies;

    c.  Meet him at DFW Airport and when he gets off the plane simply shoot him in the face at the gate because in Texas it's legal to shoot New Yorkers; or

    d.  Feel free to come up with your own Texas-style murder.

    Miss Yvonne:  I choose d:  I’d take him to a bar in any small town in Texas and yell “This guy is an illegal immigrant, loves homosexuals and gun control, doesn’t believe in God and thinks stem cell research is the best invention since abortion!” 

    The LG Report:  They say "Everything's bigger in Texas."  Is there something in Texas that you wish weren't bigger?

    Miss Yvonne:  My ass.

    The LG Report:  Do you feel any responsibility for the Dallas Cowboys stinkin’ up the joint this year?    

    Miss Yvonne:   I wish I could take responsibility!  America’s team?  Bitch, please. 

    This Applies to The LG Report.  We Are Bad Asses!
    The LG ReportThe LG Report loves Chuck Norris, also known as "Walker, Texas Ranger" [although we knew his spin-off series, "Walker, Rhode Island Ranger" was doomed to failure.]

    We're sure you're familiar with Chuck's numerous superhuman feats.  He once won a major blog award by merely punching a keyboard and walking away.  Please tell us what Chuck Norris superhuman feat has impressed you the most.  Hopefully one that you personally witnessed. 

    Miss Yvonne:  True story: my husband used to work at the helicopter airport where they filmed some of the Walker, Texas Ranger scenes.  His close proximity to Chuck Norris was the only reason I married him.  





    Miss Yvonne, thanks for welcoming us onto your ranch down here in Texas for this interview, it's been a pleasure.  We're sure you have to go repair the north forty or something (we don't know exactly what that means, but we know it has import in Texas) so we'll let you run.



    And don't forget folks, you should check out Miss Yvonne's very funny and cool creation, Yo Mama’s Blog , if you're in the mood for an entertaining read.

    We hope to see you back here again soon!

    Tuesday, January 18, 2011

    Law And Disorder: Special Victims Unit

    There are unique aspects to living in Manhattan that you don't get in a lot of other places in America.

    For example, while walking down the street, you'll routinely find yourself stepping on a set of metal doors leading into a basement, storage room or underground drug-dealer hideout, you never know which.  You can only hope that these doors will support your weight and that you won't soon be plummeting to your death.  Or, possibly, down a chute that leads to China (LG has heard stories...)

    You'll encounter seemingly normally-looking people who were supposedly just released from a hospital without a way to get home to Brooklyn.  They'll ask you for $2 to cover bus fare.

    LG suspects that some of these people are liars.  But again, it's only a suspicion.  

    Subscribing to the theory that teaching a man to fish provides a lifetime of benefits, LG dispenses a piece of friendly advice to these recently-released patients: walk.

    LG could go on and on with this list, but let's get to the point at hand, which involves "Law and Order: Special Victims' Unit" (that's "Law and Order: SVU" to insiders like us.)  

    Every woman who LG has ever known is a fan of "Law and Order" in one, or all, of its forms: "Law and Order: Criminal Intent," "Law and Order: Los Angeles," "Law and Order: SVU," and the newest money-maker, "Law and Order: Just Commercials."

    Women absolutely must watch the show; they have no choice because of biological hard-wiring.  Men only watch the show when they're dominated by their women.  Which is to say, most men watch it too.  

    LG recently exited his building in the Gramercy Park section of Manhattan to find "Law and Order: Special Victims' Unit" filming directly in front of him.  The entire street was blocked off (another great convenience of living in NYC: streets randomly blocked off by film crews and politician motorcades) and equipment was everywhere.  

    This was the scene immediately to the left of LG's front doorway:


    That's called the "craft services" table on the right.  It contains a sandwich/snack buffet for the cameramen, production assistants, etc.  That first cart had been full of grub a minute earlier, but Kirstie Alley was making a guest appearance on the show. I think that may have been George Costanza picking over what was left.

    Anyone who has lived in NYC for a year or more has walked by a craft services cart on the street.  It's generally very difficult to snag a bagel or cookie without detection -- and reprimand -- but not impossible.

    However, when the production company is blocking your residential street and sidewalk with their equipment and people, it imbues one with a certain feeling of entitlement.  You want to yell "Blocking my street you sombitches?!  Well then I'll just pluck me a Ring Ding off this here cart!"

    Of course, LG didn't actually do that.  But he thought about it.   
     

    This is what it looked like across the street where they were filming.  Take a close look because at some point in the future that stairway and entrance will be starring in a "Law and Order: SVU" episode.  Check your local listings. 

    LG has always wanted to say that.

    In the end, LG finally figured out who the Special Victims are: the people who live on the block where they're filming.  We're locked in, prisoners in our own neighborhood.  LG had to wait for the crew to clear cables and carts out of the way before he could pull his car out of his garage.  He was a virtual prisoner for sixty seconds or more.   But he'll tell you this:  If they're there again tomorrow, he's going to grab that Ring Ding.  Maybe they can feature the theft on their newest show: "Law and Order: Missing Snack Foods."  

    Thursday, January 13, 2011

    The Person of Walmart

    Sorry, no drinks allowed outside.  And please be considerate of our neighbors when leaving The LG Report. Thank you.
    _________________________________________________________________________

    Recently, LG had to visit Walmart to pick up a few things.

    Most people with internet access have received at least one of those viral e-mails with photos of "The People of Walmart."

    We think they originate, generally, from this entertaining WEBSITE.   (By the way, if you clicked on that, you're white trash.  But keep reading, we like you.)
     
    Images of these folks danced in LG's head as he drove to Walmart.   Well, they not so much danced as pushed shopping carts with ample crackage showing.

    LG assumed that Walmart would be fertile ground to snap photos of various miscreants for the enjoyment of the readers of The LG Report.  As long as we make fun of these poor people behind their backs, there's nothing morally wrong with it.  Unless they have peanut allergies, of course.

    The classic image of a Person of Walmart, to LG, involves the exposed butt crack:



    It seems to us that this guy mistakenly thought he was about to sit on a toilet.  If you look closely, you can spot a Chilean miner stuck in there.  Don't worry, he was brought up safely.

    If there was a Civil War between East and West raging on this guy's butt, there would  be no mistaking where the dividing line stands.  That thing is the Grand Canyon of cracks.  You can see China down there.   


    The photo above shows Michael Jackson's shopping cart at a Walmart shortly before his untimely passing.  Sorry, no, we got our pictures mixed up.  This was actually Brad and Angelina shopping for a new addition to the family.  Walmart carries everything. 

    LG is no expert on dogs, thus he had a hard time identifying this breed.  Curiously, when LG tried to pet this pooch, he asked LG for a Coors Light and a Marlboro.  Nonetheless, the friendly canine devoured the Milk-Bone biscuit that LG keeps in his pocket for such occasions.  Then he asked LG if he could lay down a bet at OTB for him.  Very strange dog.  

    Based on the above, LG's expectations were running high when he arrived at Walmart.  But preventing him from getting a good "People of Walmart" shot for you, dear readers, were two factors:

    1. Trying to take a photo of someone at Walmart is very intimidating.  Seriously.  They all look like they can give you a good beat-down when the guard is not looking and they've all seen the "People of Walmart" website by now and realize that you're trying to publicly ridicule them; and

    2. Frankly, there weren't really any freaks there that day.  Here was LG's best shot:


    That's it.  Disappointing, right?

    How's this: The guy in the day-glow vest looks like Flounder from "Animal House."  Although the real Flounder would be much older by now, and can probably live off his royalties without pushing Walmart carts.  Maybe that lady next to him lives in the U-Haul on the right, does that spice it up?  We bet she's wearing a thong!

    Pretty lame, we know.

    When it comes right down to it, LG himself, decked out in combat boots, cargo shorts and a t-shirt that said "Don't Eat Yellow Snow," was the worst-dressed weirdo at the Walmart that day.  LG was a Person of Walmart!  

    But when you think about it, aren't we all really People of Walmart?

    Isn't this great country made up entirely of People of Walmart?  These shoppers aren't flown in from foreign lands; they're all upstanding red-blooded Americans.  Thrifty, hard-working, humble, patriotic...that's who these people are.  

    LG suggests that we should all embrace our Inner Walmart Shopper and take pride in who we are, and what we stand for.  After all, as one great American founding father said (LG can't be bothered Googling it right now): "If you don't stand for something, like low prices everyday, you'll fall for anything."  Amen.  

    Live this day, and every one after it, in the true spirit of a Walmart shopper and be proud!

    But please, just don't show us your butt crack.

    Wednesday, January 12, 2011

    A Comment From The Peanut Gallery

    The LG Report, being the high-and-mighty media outlet that it is (self-appointed, of course), doesn't normally respond to reader comments...unless they're in the form of completely fictitious reader mail, as we did in THIS POST.  Or, possibly, if they're written on the back of a $100 bill.  Unfortunately, we have no examples of that to show you. 

    But today we're making an exception to the rule.



    We blame him.
    LG's friend Concak called yesterday to lodge a complaint about the insensitive lead-in language of two posts ago.  Specifically, the words which Concak found objectionable were:

    "Caution: The LG Report may contain peanuts and/or be typed on a keyboard that has been in contact with peanuts."

    Concak felt that this off-handed and rather inane comment was insensitive and, worse, insulting to children with peanut allergies.

    LG responded that he was taking peanut allergies seriously, and merely warning readers that the keyboard used to type The LG Report may have come into contact with peanuts.

    Concak wasn't buying this cockamamie justification of a nonsensical statement.


    By the way, did we mention that Concak is a respected and successful lawyer in New England?  You'd think he'd have better things to do. 

    So how did the Editorial Board of The LG Report handle this complaint?

    Well, first, LG must point out that he really is sensitive to this issue because he has one friend who is so allergic to Peanuts that he can't even watch "A Charlie Brown Christmas."

    Ba-dump! LG just made that one up, but you should feel free to use it without attribution.  Just another perk of reading The LG Report.  

    Second, we'd like to offer Concak a job here at The LG Report as our in-house ombudsman.  He would be charged with previewing each post and editing any insensitive, inappropriate or politically incorrect comments.  The only problem with this job is that it pays...you guessed it...peanuts.

    Third, just to prove that The LG Report is not sensitive, mature or interested in being politically correct (in case you had any doubts), we're going to post this photo of Concak at a urinal in Florida during spring break in 1986: 


    That's really Concak in the background, and that's really a urinal.  Honest Injun.  (Uh oh, Concak will be calling us to complain about that one too...we should've said "Honest Native American."  Sorry.)

    The person at the urinal in the foreground is Charlie Sheen on a bender.  We obscured his face to avoid any legal action for sullying his good name.  Ah, just kidding, it was really Rosie O'Donnell.  Not to give away any secrets, but she had to stand further away from the urinal than Concak. 

    If anyone else has any criticisms of The LG Report, please let us know and we'd be glad to publish your comment -- along with a photo of you in a restroom or in some other compromising pose.  You know that there's at least one such picture floating around somewhere on the internet.  And we'll find it.  

    That's it, our measured response to Concak's protest about our dumb peanut comment.  Which reminds us, did you hear about the two peanuts who were walking down the street? 

    One was assaulted (a-salted, get it?) 

    Oh, sorry, we should have warned you: That riddle contains peanuts.
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    PS We are not really making fun of peanut allergies or people who have them -- it's a serious condition -- but if you're sufficiently outraged to comment, please do.  We love comments no matter what the reason.   



     

    Friday, January 7, 2011

    A Photographic Grab Bag

    Women who are nursing or pregnant, or may become pregnant, should consult their doctor before reading The LG Report.
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    Last night was the annual holiday dinner which LG has attended with between 15 and 20 friends every year since 1999 or so.  This is usually fertile ground for ridiculous games, embarrassing stunts, etc., mainly due to the presence of Kambos [Note: The LG Report has revised its longstanding practice of not using last names.  It will still identify non-celebrities by only one name, however it may be their first or last name.]

    LG's friend Kambos, after reading The LG Report's $5 Challenge, had advised LG to bring plenty of $5 bills to the dinner.  LG made a special trip to the bank just for that purpose.  He was expecting a $5 Challenge bonanza; a windfall producing enough pictures to last for weeks of posting.

    Alas, it was not to be.

    Due to a combination of factors, including a cranky bartender who, rudely, wouldn't allow people to lie or stand on his bar, LG was only able to coax Kambos into one $5 photo.  LG blew up two balloons and dared Kambos to wear them under his shirt as if he had female breasts.  Here's the money shot:

     
    Pretty disappointing, don't you think?  Looks sort of like Frankenstein in a business suit after receiving breast implants.  Or a modern-day Jackie Gleason.  Isn't it nice to have your own blog so that you can insult your friends publicly?  I'm sure Kambos enjoys the attention.

    Next topic: 

    For Christmas this year, LG presented Geo with a few gifts, including this box from Tiffany's:


    Geo was taken aback. "Oh you shouldn't have!" he exclaimed.  He expected something nice.  Then he opened the box:




    Geo's reaction was really just a gift that LG was giving to himself! 

    And, finally, another entry in our eclectic collection of signs seen on the streets of Manhattan. 

    Surely you've heard of the runaway best-selling book (and movie) "Eat. Pray, Love."  Well the culinary equivalent of that in Asian restaurant circles is:


    Not a lot of sentence structure there.  Or wasted words.  "Lunch Sushi Open" pretty much gets right to the point.

    That's it for today folks, please stop back soon.  In the meantime:  Weekend Enjoy Relax!

    Wednesday, January 5, 2011

    Follow-Up to the $5 Challenge

    Caution: The LG Report may contain peanuts and/or be typed on a keyboard that has been in contact with peanuts.    
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    We normally don't do follow ups here at The LG Report, but since we collected 18 comments (at last count) to our previous post on The LG Report's $5 Challenge, we thought we'd divert somewhat from our normally strict adherence to the rules. 

    If you don't recall our previous post, you can access it by clicking HERE   in case you're too lazy to scroll down a bit.  If you are too lazy, let us know and we'll call The Guinness Book of Lazy Bastards for you. 

           
    For those who don't know, we paid young Henry $5 to smash a piece of cake into his face.  He did an excellent job, even dragging it downward after the smash.  We suspect, upon further review of the video, that Henry actually ate a bit of the cake, but we didn't charge him for it.  That's just the kind of people we are here at The LG Report

    The LG Report offered a $10 performance bonus to Henry if we received at least 10 comments on that posting.  Many of you were kind enough to offer opinions such as "Give him $20," and "He deserves more."  Sure, it's always easy to spend someone else's money, especially in a recession.

    Here's what happened:  We paid Henry the $5 in cash shortly after the cake smashing, but we intentionally gave him a counterfeit bill.  Here's what it looked like:

    Being a young kid, Henry apparently didn't notice the word "Counterfeit" stamped across the bill.  Nor did he realize that it was a $100,000 bill rather than a fiver.  We never said Henry was an M.I.T. scientist.

    Anyway, Henry was picked up yesterday morning trying to pass the phony bill at a Manhattan liquor store.  LG was called down to the station to bail him out.  LG offered Henry another $5 bill -- a real one this time -- if he'd grab the guard's arm and yank it through the cell and break it. 

    He'd have to do it slowly, of course, so that LG could get a picture for the blog.  Always thinking of the readers.

    Henry refused, and is now serving 5 to 7 in the New York State prison on Riker's Island.  Oh well.


    Nah, just kidding

    We paid Henry the $5 and now we owe him an additional $10.  We tried to fork it over yesterday, but Henry wasn't around when we skateboarded over to his place.  We'll get the money to him soon, rest assured. 

    Thanks to everyone who weighed in with comments, even Henry's dad, who, we suspect, posted 5 or more comments under "Anonymous."

    We have some really great posts coming up (we just don't know what they are at the moment) and we hope that you click back again soon!  Thanks for stopping by. 

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    Sunday, January 2, 2011

    The LG Report's $5 Challenge Hits A New Low!

    Caution: Many people laugh so hard that they smash their faces into their computer screens while reading The LG Report. As a result, the U.S. Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) requires us to advise you to wear safety glasses while reading this blog.  World War II aviator goggles would also be good.  If you e-mail us a photo of you wearing some type of stupid eyewear, we'll post it.  But don't expect $5.           
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    Many of you remember The LG Report's $5 Challenge, wherein we dare people to do stupid unusual things in exchange for a fiver (also known as a sawbuck or half a hawk.)  We kicked it off a few weeks ago with our good friend Dannie crawling through a doggie door.  That posting can be viewed by clicking HERE.

    The LG Report has decided to make the $5 Challenge a regular feature. We're not sure why we're highlighting the $5 Challenge in yellow, it's probably only a temporary thing, so don't get used to it.  Not that you'd really get used to it anyway. If you're the kind of person who gets used to things being highlighted in yellow, please leave the blog immediately.  Nah, we were only kidding, come back.  We welcome all weirdoes.   

    The LG Report is on to its second $5 Challenge, and young Henry has stepped up to deliver. 

    We find it's easier to trick people into participating who are at our maturity level.  Henry is 12 years old.  Dannie was slightly buzzed.  Normal people in their right mind don't generally participate in the $5 Challenge.

    Here's a still photo of Henry shortly before the act:


    He's a good kid, smart, witty, of good parentage.  So what does he have to gain by participating in the $5 Challenge?  $5 of course (try to keep up here people...)   The video is below.  Henry, being a budding showman, specifically noted how he played it up by dragging the cake down his face after the smashing.  Please pay special attention to these subtleties.  When Henry wins an Academy Award (tm) someday, you'll think back to this video clip:



    video 

    Now here's the thing...the last LG Report posting, about dog farts, garnered zero comments (none, nada, nil, zilch.)  Meanwhile, The LG Report is paying Henry $5 for a 20-second gig.  That works out to $900 per hour.  So, in a down economy, The LG Report is paying people $900 an hour; how's that for economic stimulation?  

    The U.S. government should be supporting The LG Report and encouraging people to click in.  We wouldn't be surprised if President Obama himself called The LG Report's editorial offices to thank us for our efforts in rehabilitating the U.S. economy.  Of course, the only glitch is that we don't have actual editorial offices.  Someday maybe.    

    Being a major supporter of the U.S. economy as we are here at The LG Report, we're going to make this offer: 

    If we get 10 comments on this post, from 10 different people (sorry, duplicates don't count), we'll give young Henry an additional $10.  

    That works out to $2,700 per hour for his 20 seconds of work.  How can anyone turn their nose up at stimulating the economy in such a major way?  

    With scores of Americans out of work, The LG Report is offering to pay $2,700 per hour (pro rated, of course; none of our $5 Challenges would actually take a full hour) to young Henry in exchange for people merely weighing in with their comments.   

    So start commenting folks and do your part as a responsible citizen to get our economy back on track!

    Remember, the job you save may be your own. [We're not sure if there is actually such a job as "cake-in-face smasher" but you never know...]

    Thanks for stopping by.  We hope to see you back again soon.  We'll see if we can trick little kids into doing more stupid stuff for $5.  And please don't tell the cops about this, it's not against the law.  By clicking onto The LG Report, you tacitly agree never to go to the cops.  Thanks again and happy new year!