The LG Report

Doctored Headlines

2012-02-01T22:15:00.000-05:00

LG pulled these headlines off of AOL News tonight (yes, they're real). The first line is the actual headline (in blue) and the line immediately below is LG's attempt at humor... If you have better suggestions, please leave them in a comment, this is wiki-comdey folks!

Army Veteran Mistakenly Declared Dead Four Times

But Still Elected Mayor of Chicago!

Former Detroit Representative Allegedly Part Of Major Drug Ring

Declares in Court: "Hey, at least I had a job, unlike a lot of people in Michigan"

Romney Skips To Minnesota Amid Talks Of Big Endorsement

Sets Guinness Book Record for longest distance skipped!

U.N. Debates Tough Demands On Syria, But Lacks Military Options

Considering Holding Next U.N. Debate in Syria to Put Warring Parties to Sleep

Frying Pans Help Save Trapped Costa Concordia Officer

Cruise line now considering making frying pans captain of newest ship

Fying pans can be seen on the deck directing women and children to the lifeboats. Photo Taken by Captain Schettino

Recent LG Tweets

2012-01-27T00:30:00.000-05:00

LG had a really great idea for today's post...but he didn't get around to writing it. Thus, he's recycling some of his recent Twitter comments (or "Tweets" for those of you living under a rock) for your reading pleasure. Enjoy!
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The captain of the Costa Concordia admitted that he was using a Mayan compass.

Breaking: The Czech Republic, in order to seem more modern, is changing it's name to The Pay Pal Republic.

I said to manager of Home Depot: There's no mirror in the self-check out lane, how do you expect me to check myself out?

Breaking: Arizona accepts $20 million a year to rename state "Arizona Iced Tea." .......... Psych, no it didn't, early April Fool's!

If I were a physical therapist who was really into his job, I'd drive a PT Cruiser.

New campaign slogan: Newt Gingrich - Not as big a piece of crap as you thought!

This is year of the Dragon, was year of the pig in 2011 and in 2010 year of Rosie O'Donnell.

I got arrested for streaking thru Chinatown. Turns out it wasn't Chinese "nude" year, I mis-heard that one. Oops.

If we are what we eat, I just met a guy who must gorge himself on Prick Oven Pizza.

My wife says I spend 68% of my time on Twitter + Facebook. That's surprising, I forgot I had a wife.

Newt Gingrich is sponsoring a golf tourney in Georgia in honor of his marriage: The Atlanta Open.

If I could only invite one historical figure for Thanksgiving dinner it would be George Washington Carver.

Italian Coast Guard is seeking a way to raise a very heavy load that is on its side. They've contacted Rosie O'Donnell's personal trainer.

Gingrich = He drinks "Gin" and he's "Rich." Damn that extra "g" in the middle, ruins my joke.

More Walmartians Have Landed

2012-01-16T22:44:00.000-05:00

Here's a look at some more Walmartians with LG-supplied captions (wouldn't be any fun to just use the ones that came with the photos...) Enjoy!

This guy is stocking up for the party to celebrate him being named "Father of the Year" in his state. The kids is giving the thumbs up sign while asking if anyone knows where the condoms are stocked.

Sometimes the wait for a sales clerk to help you figure out which brand of pork rinds to buy can seem interminable at a Walmart. Or are they now selling John Goodman mannequins for home use?

Quick, is this person walking towards or away from the camera? Answer immediately! On second thought, is it a person? Raccoons generally don't carry key chains. Or is that a leash?

This shirt was trying to give its owner a message. It was just a plain gray t-shirt when she put it on that morning.

LG thinks we may have seen this photo, or a similar one, in a previous edition but he can't bear to go back and look at the older photos. This is a bizarre photo on many levels, including the fact that they woman is looking at a DVD titled "How to Train Your Child-Dog." If this photo had a theme song, it would be "Stop Dragging My Heart Around," by Stevie Nicks. This "Mother-of-the-Year" candidate will be at the party being thrown by the dad in the first picture above.
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Today is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. If you're moved to do something in honor of Dr. King, how about clicking HERE and voting for LG's entry in a contest run by USA Today? The paper has asked readers to write a speech that they think MLK would give if he were alive today. When you click on the link, push the "rate it" button and then you'll find LG's entry. It's titled "The Dream Lives On." The winning speech will be published in Friday's edition of USA Today and at www.usatoday.com. LG promises to vote for you if you enter a contest. Thanks!

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The People of Walmart Invade Again

2012-01-11T00:19:00.001-05:00

LG is dusting off another stack of photos of illustrious Walmart patrons. Let's have at it:

This is the latest style in Asia: A combination black-belt karate robe and a sumo wrestler's outfit. Oh, and it's complimented with a martial arts version of Depends adult diapers. Note: This is not a recommended outfit to wear when you're worrying about accidentally releasing a shart.

It appears that a breast-feeding baby is still attached to this woman's breast. Or, possibly, she grew up near a nuclear power plant and now has a leg growing out of her chest. In any case, this is a rare sight: Someone buying a whole case of Sierra Mist! That's weird.

Not really sure why this photo is in here, LG sees nothing out of the ordinary.

How is this gentleman able to control his animal urges in the face of such sweet temptation? It's like a flabby Valentine's Day heart with low-hanging boobs. Hopefully this man has some protection in one of those cargo pockets.

It's nice to see the store manager's parents coming to visit on Gradiation Day. Hopefully the manager is a woman and she looks gradiant in her Gradiation Dress.

One last image for today folks. It's not from a Walmart, but it's a sign seen in the window of another high-brow retailer:

Dang, what is LG going to do with that $50 bill that he's been saving in his boxers since Gradiation Day?

Hope to see you back again soon folks!

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Another Nigerian Windfall!

2012-01-05T00:51:00.001-05:00

As you probably know, LG is well-known and respected in most parts of the world, especially Nigeria and other parts of western Africa (Africa being one of Sarah Palin's favorite countries, of course.) Well LG recently received another dispatch from Nigeria via e-mail. Below is this note along with LG's comments in brackets, provided to give readers of The LG Report insights into how an internationally-known honorable man (LG) thinks, in the hopes that you too can attain this venerated status.

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To: LG
From: ICPC NIGERIA (Anti-Fraud Unit)

......we fight against fraud, funds delay and impersonation. [Phew, for a minute there LG was afraid this was another fraud! And who can't love a "funds delay" fighter?!]

Head Office: Plot 802, Constitution Avenue [Good 'cuz LG only deals with the Head Office. Constituion Avenue sounds very stately, also good. LG never deals with people based on Constipation Avenue.]

Zone A9 Central Area [LG is not familiar with the "Central Area," but it sounds very centrist and not too far left or right. Also good.]

P. M.B 535, Garki Lagos

TEL : +234 805,372,9191 [Embarrassing admission: LG always has trouble dialing those commas.]

*****24HRS SERVICE ***** [Excellent, in case LG wants a burger at 3 am!]

Dear Sir/Madam,

LETTER OF COMPENSATION/SETTLEMENT.

This letter will definitely be amazing to you because of its realistic value. [LG is already amazed at this string of words which one doesn't normally find together in English!]

Sorry for the inconveniences that was rendered to you in your line of Inheritance Payment transaction with some impersonators some while ago. [Think nothing of it, LG didn't even realize that he had been inconvenienced.]

The ICPC's headquarters sign (before it was stolen)

I know that this letter will hit you by surprise, but firstly I will like to introduce myself; I am (Mr. Ayoola Olayinka) [LG knew a kid by that name in 4th grade, very common] the Legal chairman of "ICPC", (Nigeria's Anti-Fraud Unit). [That's very comforting. Is that related to the "Anti-Funds-Delays" Unit?]

Mr. Olayinka's LinkedIn Profile Photo

On the 1st of October 2009, the former President of The Federal Republic of Nigeria (Chief Olusegun Obasanjo) [Wonder if he plays that banjo? That would be a coincidence!] introduced a Commission named the "ICPC", (Nigeria's Anti-Fraud Unit) [Yeah, LG got that already in the previous paragraph; He wouldn't be inheriting all this money if he were that dumb!] which is duly registered under the United Nations (U.N.O). [LG didn't realize that "United Nations" was abbreviated with an "O" in it. Must be a French thing.] This particular Commission was initiated to detect fraud/funds delay/impersonation of Government Officials.

Secondly, we are mandated by the US Government to settle foreign debts/fraud victims/Un-paid beneficiaries to satisfactory [Note: Your English is not satisfactory] in other to maintain peace in the world at large and also to create a good relationship with the international bodies. [Wow, LG hopes he can help out with your important work. Where should he send his banking information?]

Presently, we are being paid by the American government in other to avert beneficiary funds delays/fraud here in Nigeria. [You guys have a real problem distinguishing between the words "other" and "order." You should work on that, as well as order problems.]

So far in this present year, we have settled the likes of (Mrs. Debbie Hargrove, Mr. Michael Wagner etc).You are being contacted by this office today dated (4th of January 2012) because your Case File (A) is the very first File on our Settlement Files Cabinet. From our intelligent investigations and Probing processes we discovered that you are a victim of fraud/funds delay. [Hot dog, finally someone realizes that LG is the victim of funds delay!!]

The "ICPC", is faithfully under my governance as the Legal Chairman of the great Commission and to this Authority I took an oath of allegiance to settle all fraud victims peacefully. [Excellent, LG knows he can trust anyone who took an oath. That's gonna seal the deal.]

This Memorandum is to notify you that you will be settled by the Nigerian Government from our initial Deposit Account. [Great, that's the account LG wanted, now he knows you're legit.] Your settlement will be actualized within 3 working days after your response to this Official Letter. [So easy, and here LG has been trying to self-actualize for years.]

LG's inheritance should be at least this much.

For further clarification/investigation kindly send the below information to us immediately:

1. Your Full name & residential address.

2. Mobile and fax number (for regular official contact) [LG doesn't stand for irregular contact.]

3. Your inheritance funds value. [Isn't that in your records? Now LG is losing respect for your lack of organization. Maybe LG will try to scam you and get more than he's entitled to!]

4. Amount, which you have lost previously.

These above-mentioned informations will officially enable us to carry out our verification processes and after that your compensation sum/Inheritance Funds will be Electronically wired into your designated Bank account or through a Diplomatic Delivery Service, depending on which mode you prefer. [LG prefers to be paid in Canadian lottery tickets.]

Your immediate compliance to this will expedite actions on your Payment because here in this office, we have a lot of listed victims to be settled. [And the victims list is growing daily, LG is sure...]

Call me +234 805.372.9191

Officially Signed,

Hon. Justice Emmanuel Olayinka Ayoola [Above you were simply "Mr. Ayoola Olayinka." In a few short paragraphs your name has become transposed and you've gained an "Honorable Justice" title, LG is starting to smell a rat here...]

Chairman ICPC Nigeria [OK, LG forgot that you're associated with the prestigious ICPC, the requested information will be on its way to you shortly. LG can't wait to get his inheritance!]

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2011: Year-End Antique Photos...

2011-12-31T02:04:00.001-05:00

Here are some more antique photos that LG harvested for your viewing pleasure from various second-hand stores, antique galleries, the Sotheby's Celebrity Auction, Saddam Hussein's ransacked mansions and the Royal Family of England's Garage Sale.

Snarky captions provided by LG Productions, Inc. They're fully copyrighted worldwide so please don't try to impress your friends on New Year's Eve by stealing these without our permission.

OK, you have our permission. You drive a hard bargain.

"I hope our baby will grow up to be normal despite looking like a stunted mushroom flanked by two kids. People in 70 years won't realize that 12-year olds were parents in our day. Stop laughing, this chair would've been worth $15,600 in 2011 if Uncle Stanley hadn't flattened it in 1948. Too bad Pilates hadn't been invented yet."

"What a great photo of our Woolworth's-bought artificial flowers! Oh, wait, there are people back there too."

Notice her slip? That was considered revealing back in the day, but, it was understandable since she was a 1960's porn star on Super 8 film. Why is that raccoon sleeping on her head and why is he wearing a shoelace around his neck? These people later divorced. She got custody of the flowers, he got the drapes.

"If anyone laughs at this ridiculous tie that I'm wearing in 65 years when they see it on the internet, I'll haunt them because I'll be dead by then. I'm posing with my meanest 'I'll be dead by the time you see this on a blog' look right now. Is my zipper undone? This isn't really a tie, it's two large green beans hanging down off my neck. You'll call them something fancy like 'edemame' someday. Stop looking at my large hands and high waist. I'm haunting your basement right now, don't come down here. Boo!"

"Oh what jokers we are here in 1923, faking like Hurricane Katrina came through this part of Mississippi and upended us all! You can tell it's fake, however, because we're smiling and not looting flat-screen TVs. Plus, we're about 85 years too early for the real Hurricane Katrina, but this is hysterical by our early 1900's standards. Where was 'Saturday Night Live' when you needed it? And how does our hair and wooden teeth look? We hope our corsets aren't showing. This photo should attract some fun-loving men in 75 years when internet dating becomes all the rage."

That's it for this year folks, thanks for your support throughout 2011 and for stopping by today. The LG Report wishes you all the best in 2012, may it be your happiest year yet!

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A Restaurant Recommendation

2011-12-18T23:19:00.000-05:00

Yes, we still have a cache of antique photos to plow through, but LG is taking another detour tonight before pressing on with those. He has a restaurant recommendation for you. Still trying to figure out what "cache" means? Nah, you read The LG Report, you're smart-ish!

LG recently discovered an excellent tapas place (click on the word "tapas" in case you're not familiar with that particular cuisine) and he'd like to share it with readers of The LG Report.

This establishment has a wide variety of excellent small plates. You can sample everything from appetizers to desserts. The atmosphere is always lively, the servers are friendly and, best of all, the small plates are always FREE!!!! It's called Costco and there's probably one near you. Here's a photo of one of their most excellent serving stations:

Full disclosure: Mrs. LG accused LG of elbowing an older gentleman into a display of cereal boxes in order to get the last strip of sizzling, crispy, mouth-watering, center-cut bacon on offer from the tapas server. LG is sure that he heard the unfortunate octogenarian say that he was feeling dizzy because his Canadian-bought internet medication was failing just before the dust-farter took a header into Cap'n Crunch's groin. Check the store security camera, LG doesn't lie (especially when he knows he's just outta site of the security camera...)

OK, that's it for tonight folks, an excellent restaurant tip that both your stomach and pocketbook will appreciate!

A New Photo and Some Facebook Wisecracks...

2011-12-15T23:40:00.000-05:00

LG is going to take a break from the antique photo theme that he's been milking like an old Guernsey in Iowa (Midwestern friends: Did that even make sense?) and hit you with a much more recent photo. Although be forewarned: LG has plenty more antique photos to post in the near future so don't think you're off ye olde hook yet.

As you may have noticed, LG is adopting a shorter post format: Get you in, get your laughs and get back on the road. Nobody makes any money if you're loitering around here.

Mrs. LG recently told LG that she doesn't think he quite has the feel for married life yet. Apparently, one is supposed to shed the ways of bachelorhood, i.e. no more being selfish, self-centered, greedy, arrogant, etc. Now it's supposed to be about FAMILY and not just the individual. So LG, trying to embrace this altruistic one-for-all-and-all-for-one philosophy, volunteered to purchase and hang the family Christmas stockings this year. Mrs. LG was not too happy with LG's (also known as Lazarus or Laz) efforts for some reason:

Oh well, LG will keep working on it...

We leave you with some recent posts from LG's Facebook account. This is all original material written by LG, but he hereby gives you permission to use any of it on your own Facebook page or on your Twitter feed (not that you'd want to, but LG is offering in an effort to appear less selfish).

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Here's a great low-cost gift idea that just came to me. Ask a male friend if he'd like to experience a holiday ballet for free. If he says yes, kick him square in the groin and yell "Terrific, please enjoy The Nutcracker!" Then stand back and watch him double over in pleasure. A great way to spread the joy of the season!

Good news: The FBI just announced that the rate was down 4% in the United States last quarter for violent crimes such as murder, rape and horsing around.

Jerry Sandusky needs better legal advice. He tried posting bail today with $250,000 worth of Hershey's Bars.

I wanted to see "The Descendants" tonight but my wife didn't. Finally, she gave in and agreed to go. To reward her, I'm buying her a gift certificate for 5 speedboat rides. [Note: This will only make sense if you saw the movie.]

Michelle Bachmann pledged tonight that if the majority of Herman Cain's supporters agree to vote for her, she'll close the U.S. embassy in East Germany.

My personal opinion: Where Herman Cain really went wrong was when he leaked to the press that his vice presidential running mate would be Hugh Hefner.

Herman Cain suspended his presidential campaign today. He figured out that if all the women who alleged that he sexually harassed him refused to vote for him, it would be mathamatically impossible for him to win.

Our town is getting ridiculous with cost cutting and budget reductions. For the annual holiday party, the only person who they could afford to play Santa was Jerry Sandusky. Too soon?

The Old Photo Train Rolls On...

2011-12-06T00:53:00.000-05:00

Mrs. LG dragged ole LG to another antique store this past weekend, although, truth be known, he's going more willingly these days due to the various treasures he's finding. LG stumbled upon another cache of old photos, so he made a few more purchases for the viewing pleasure of readers of The LG Report. You're welcome. Don't mention it.

But, before we get to some of those pictures, we have two quick orders of business.

FIRST, LG must report on another "I Love Lucy" moment with Mrs. LG this weekend. As some of you know, LG equates living with Mrs. LG, at times, to being married to Lucille Ball (or at least her character in the TV show.) It's all very enjoyable, of course. Please keep in mind, this is 100% true.

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The Scene: Saturday night, in the car, pulling away from our friends' house, where we had just enjoyed a delicious meal and very fun evening with Kristy and Rich.

The Dialogue:

LG: Check to make sure you have your phone, you're always leaving it somewhere.

Mrs. LG: It's right here in my pocketbook, I have it, no need to worry. [10 second pause] Oh, wait, what's this, I have another iPhone too. How did I get two phones? I must've taken Rich's phone by accident. Yes, this is Rich's phone. I was looking at it after dinner. We have to go back.

[Note: LG is accustomed to having to return to places shortly after we've left]

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When we got back, Rich was waiting in his garage for the safe return of his kidnapped iPhone (which, LG believes, was issued by his employer and, even if not, is certainly critical to Rich's work.)

Mrs. LG, in order to be a wise-ass (she comes by that on her own, don't look at LG...seriously), said to Rich "Can I just hold onto it for a few days, I'd like to try it out to see if I like this new 4S phone."

Rich, as you'd expect, was a incredulous and quickly explained that he needed the phone for work and couldn't loan it to Mrs. LG, even just for a few days.

All true.

SECOND, LG is not in the business of shilling (not for others that is; certainly he shills for himself and The LG Report), but he has a piece of information that he feels he must pass on.

LG's friend Deb left her high-powered job in the financial services field a few years ago to start a business selling "Victory Cakes." These are heavenly creations (the words "cakes," "muffins" and "cupcakes" don't do them justice) based on recipes created by Deb's great grandfather, a master baker who came to the United States from Northern Ireland long ago. Here's what one looks like close up:

These babies come in many flavors and all are truly scrumptious. They're moist and flavorful and create an absolute explosion of delight in your mouth. Honestly. Victory Cakes make great end-of-year holiday gifts for clients or hard-to-buy-for friends and relatives. They're also terrific as a desert at holiday parties and family meals.

Anyway, if you're interested, you can check them out for yourself on the MacDougall's Victory Cakes website by clicking HERE!

Deb wanted to extend a special offer to readers of The LG Report. Mention The LG Report and you'll get (LG is quoting Deb here so as to not screw it up): "...a free Dassie Traditional Mini MacDougall Victory Cake (Wilbur Chocolate and Butterscotch) with the order of a Petite MacDougall or 1/2 dozen Mini MacDougalls -- plus a free Irish Shamrock Holiday ornament!"

If you're looking for something unique and yummy this holiday season, you can't do better than Irish Victory Cakes.

THIRD, we're finally at the photo segment. We've done about three posts in a row with old photos and we still have enough for at least two more posts. Yes, we like to milk an idea for all it's worth. Here we go:

The original Cabbage Patch Kids are seeing here in a Photoshopped (but pre-Photoshop) picture from the days of old. Back in 1946, this was an example of cutting-edge graphics. It would be years before scientists were able to superimpose children's heads onto cucumbers, carrots and stalks of corn.

Here we see the original donor for the Nerd Gene, which was recently mapped along with the rest of man's DNA. This fellow, as you can see, was one of the more smartly dressed crossing guards in all of Nerdlandia. He was also well prepared for any sudden cresting of rivers with those high pants.

The caption for this photo practically wrote itself: "Oh my oh my, I do hope that one day, 70 years hence, my photo will be ridiculed on something called a 'blog' which can be read and enjoyed by people all over the world after Al Gore invents the internet. And I wonder if science will ever solve the mystery of how my hair became the darkest thing every photographed on Earth up to this point."

There you have it folks, another posting in the books. More old photos coming soon, stop back when you get a chance!

And More Old Photos...

2011-11-30T00:23:00.000-05:00

OK folks, still more antique photos from the recent thrift shop excursion:

The suggested captions here:

1. "I hope people will know in 80 years that here during the Great Depression we had to sell the bottom third of our ties to buy food."

2. "I can't wait for 'Dancing With The Stars" to be invented, we're gonna kick ass!"

3. Man: "What looks more ridiculous honey, my tie, my hair or my belt buckle?" Woman: "You forgot your pants. When is the river expected to crest? Are those shorts that were let down? When did Danny DeVito lend you his trousers?"

And our other photo for today:

1. John Discorelli, inventor of the Disco Dance Ball, poses with his new creation in 1952 beside his son and daughter. The original concept of mounting it on a front lawn and doing a square dance around it was later changed to hanging it from the ceiling in a darkened nightclub.

2. Two men enjoy their seats while a young girl stands in the hot sun during the inaugural meeting of the "He-Man Women Haters Club." The girl grew up to be Lorena Bobbit.

3. Three residents of Roswell, New Mexico examine a strange egg that fell onto their front lawn from a UFO in 1947. The three were later found dead in a local stream. Michael Jackson bought the egg in 2003 and displayed it in his home next to the Elephant Man's genitals (not as big as you'd think).

There you have it folks. We still have some more antique photos in the vault, so check back again soon!

Our Next Antique Photo...

2011-11-27T14:42:00.000-05:00

First, LG would like to thank everyone who voted for his entry in USA Today's Cartoon Caption Contest for November. Your kind support resulted in LG winning the contest (The prize: A copy of the cartoon autographed by the artist with LG's caption under it.) LG very much appreciated your help!

Second, speaking of captions, here's the next installment in The LG Report's ongoing series of photos recently purchased at an antique store/thrift shop.

Some potential captions for this dandy snapshot:

1. The world's first torso implant recipient poses with his older sister in 1948 while awaiting a torso from Canada. (Editor's note: Canada always makes things funnier.)

2. This boy is pictured asking his sister, "Do my stomach and chest look non-existent in this outfit?"

3. This little boy is thinking "With these ridiculous, over-sized pants, nobody will even realize that I'm wearing grandma's sweater!"

4. A girl realizes early in life that her parents don't really like face. All of her childhood photos look like this.

5. Pictured here is Waldo McGuillicuddy, inventor of the tricycle with the build-in fishing reel on the handlebars. Unfortunately, Waldo died in a tragic 1952 fishing/cycling accident. Folks, please don't fish and drive!

6. Young Danny DeVito, seen here, would eventually grow into these pants and wear them quite successfully in the film "Romancing the Stone."

If you'd like to suggest your own caption, feel free to provide it in a comment to this post. Or just provide a comment in a comment. Or just enjoy the post silently without commenting; it's totally up to you.

Finally, we leave you with some of LG's November Facebook status updates:

I knew I shouldn't have bought my GPS at the Dollar General. Yesterday it said "Stop being a typical man and just pull over and ask directions."

Getting a bit nervous. My GPS just said "Make a right at Washington Street and then lock your doors."

People are worried about 2012 because the Mayan calendar predicts the end of the world on December 21" 2012. Relax folks, the Mayans also predicted that Facebook would merge with Yahoo in 2009 and that "Barack Obana" (they misspelled his name) would be elected president in 2004. So they were obviously way off on their prognostications. Mellow out!

My wife said that I'm spending too much time on the internet. I said "LOL!" and then I "un-liked" her comment.

If I were at a class reunion and the guys from Steely Dan showed up, I'd say (quite loudly) "I thought you weren't going back to your old school!" That would show them. [Editor's Note: If you're unfamiliar with the song, you can here it by clicking HERE.]

Who anointed "sliced bread" as the greatest thing ever at one point in time? Regardless, I'm going to buy my wife sliced bread for her next birthday and when she complains I'll just say "Hey, it was the greatest thing ever at one time, it can't be all that bad now. Happy birthday!"

Thanks, as always, for stopping by folks, we hope to see you back again soon.

Another Old Photograph...

2011-11-23T21:21:00.000-05:00

As LG mentioned in the last post, he recently purchased some vintage photos at a second-hand shop. This is the second in our on-going series of "Snarky Captions for Old Photos" (we reserve the right to change that title at any time however...)

So here's #2:

Potential captions for this one:

1. A young Jeffrey Dahmer foreshadows what would be his hobby later in life;

2. At least he's not choking his chicken;

3. The only known childhood photo of Albert DiSalvo, aka "The Boston Strangler;"

4. This kid looks pretty calm but his kitten looks all choked up;

5. The kitten didn't need that neck anyway;

6. Little did this kid know that 50 years later, people would be making fun of his photo on something called "a blog." If he did, he'd have choked the shiiite out of us long ago; and

7. A rare childhood photo of the founder of the ASPCA!

OK, that's it for today folks, short and sweet. Oh yeah, and if you haven't voted yet, please throw your support behind LG's entry in this month's USA Today Cartoon Caption Contest. Please click HERE and vote for entry #2. LG would be most grateful. It only takes a few seconds and they don't ask for your e-mail address or any personal information and you don't have to set up an account.

See you back here again soon for the next vintage photo....

And happy Thanksgiving everyone, we all have a lot to be thankful for, no doubt.

A Few Things To Discuss....

2011-11-21T23:42:00.000-05:00

Thanks for stopping by again folks, much appreciated. LG knows that you have a lot of demands on your time on a daily basis and he thanks you for checking in once in a while over here at The LG Report. Muchos gracias.

First item of business today - In case you haven't seen it, here's this week's cover of People Magazine:

Yes, it's true. True-ish anyway. Don't burst a guy's bubble, just go with it.

Second, LG entered USA Today's Cartoon Caption Contest this month. The newspaper supplies a cartoon and contestants supply the caption. LG's entry, #2 on your scorecard, is one of the five finalists for the month.

If you have a few spare seconds to support LG's effort (you don't have to give your e-mail address, consent to access to your address book or hand over your first-born, all you have to do is click on your choice), please click HERE and vote for #2. LG would very much appreciate it.

Third, LG was in a second-hand store this past weekend with Mrs. LG and he came across a bunch of old photographs that were salvaged from various estate sales. LG purchased a number of these photos (some are pretty old) and he will be publishing them one-at-a-time on The LG Report over the next week or so. Here's the first:

It appears a little blurry here, only because it's a little blurry in real life. Hey, what do you expect from a really old thrift-shop-estate-sale photo?

This depicts, LG thinks, a housewife mowing the lawn with a really old-style-and-hard-to-push mower while wearing fashionable (for the times) shoes.

Why this woman would pose for such a photo, we have no idea. Why this picture ended up in an estate sale we know: She murdered her husband shortly after the picture was taken. And at least her face is not identifiable. What a cad this guy must've been! [LG knows all the right things to say to suck up to his female readers...]

That's it for today folks. There's another antique photo coming soon, so check back (short posts, easy to read, who can resist?!) And please remember to vote for LG's caption; if he wins, there will be a blog post about it, no doubt. Thanks!

It's Not Greek To Me

2011-11-17T09:59:00.000-05:00

[Editor's Note: This is a reprint of an article written by LG that appeared in the Asbury Park Press on Sunday, November 13, 2011. That version did not contain these photos. Only the best for readers of The LG Report!]

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I'm not an economist (who would admit to that these days even if they were?) but as a Greek-American, I have my own layman's explanation of the economic crisis in Greece. It centers on a dearth of tax revenue. But first, my qualifications: My father was born and raised on Andros, the northernmost of Greece's Cycladic Islands. I've been to Greece many times, including recently on my honeymoon. I speak enough of the language to get by, I have plenty of Greek friends and relatives, I saw My Big Fat Greek Wedding, twice, and I love betting on horse races. Oh, and perhaps my most conspicuous Greek badge of honor: I grew up washing dishes in my father's New Jersey diners.

So here's my back-of-the-envelope analysis. No need to break out your calculator to follow along.

Not paying taxes has long been a national pastime among Greece's citizenry. It was not uncommon in the Old Country, years ago, to pay for a purchase in a store without having the transaction rung up on a cash register. Absent a receipt, the government had no way of knowing that a tax should be collected. Many times, I'm sure, it merely slipped the merchant's mind to report the income. After all, he had other things to think about, such as who was looking good in the sixth race that day (most Greeks like to gamble) and what the line was on his favorite soccer team.

In order to address this widespread duplicity in the sales tax system, Greece passed a law requiring consumers to obtain a receipt for their purchases. The government now dispatches tax agents to patrol shopping districts, randomly stopping patrons and demanding that they fork over receipts for any purchases in their bags. Failure to produce a receipt can result in a costly fine. Thus, consumers have become, functionally, the taxing authority's enforcement arm. In theory, this should have mitigated at least part of the problem, but I'm not so sure; what's to prevent merchants from simply having two separate cash registers? As we all know, just about any compliance system can be easily defeated if the human mind is earnestly set to the task.

My Aunt Rita, who lived in the United States for close to 50 years before retiring back to Greece, recently needed some carpentry work done in an apartment she owns in Athens. She found a tradesman who said that he would do the work for 300 Euros. When Aunt Rita mentioned that she wanted a receipt for her taxes, Carpenter Costas informed her that the price would be increased to 347 Euros. If Aunt Rita was going to report the transaction, he was going to have to do the same, hence his 15% price hike — effectively, a penalty on Aunt Rita for following the law. In the normal course of his work, Carpenter Costas just assumed that there would be no reporting to the government and no payment of taxes. Multiply this by the number of transactions that arise among a populace of about ten million people, and Greece's lack of tax revenues comes into sharp focus.

While many Greek citizens (although certainly not all) appear to believe in their right to avoid paying taxes, they also seem to overlook the logical disconnect with their sense of entitlement to extensive government employment opportunities, full pensions and a litany of other state-provided benefits. Apparently, these perks should be funded by the taxes of the other guy. Running from the tax collector may have well been the first Olympic sport.

When I first started going to Greece in the 1980s, I was struck by the apparent religious devotion of the Greek people. Everywhere I looked, especially on the islands, I'd see little white chapels standing as monuments to the populace's piety. In many instances, a small house of worship, not capable of accommodating more than six or eight congregants, would stand alone near the top of a steep mountainside, without so much as a single access road in sight. I'd just shake my head and say to myself, "Wow, what devotion!"

Then, on perhaps my fourth or fifth visit to Greece, I said to my Uncle Leo (Aunt Rita's husband), "It's really impressive how devoted to God the people are here. They build churches almost everywhere."

A savvy businessman who had run a thriving construction company in America, Uncle Leo quickly set me straight. "Hey, Vlaka [which translates to "stupid" in English], don't you know why they do that? Everyone builds a church on their property here so they can get a tax break."

Aha! An epiphany, although not of the religious variety. More tax avoidance. Perhaps now those ornamental tax deductions on the mountainsides are finally filling up ̶ with Greeks praying for a way out of their dire economic situation.

Not Bossy and Not Betty

2011-11-10T23:23:00.003-05:00

Those of you who blog, probably the majority of The LG Report’s readers, know that blogging is somewhat of a sub-culture.

One way to obtain readers (or “followers”) for your blog is to read, comment upon and sign up to follow other people’s blogs. If someone reads and comments upon your blog, it’s considered proper cyber etiquette to read and comment upon theirs. You show me yours, I’ll show you mine (but not behind the shed this time folks, keep it clean…)

As you wade into the roiling waters of this sub-culture, you begin to feel as if you personally know the individuals who share their lives and worldviews with you on a regular basis.

LG, for example, has come to “know” such wonderful and diverse people as Eva in Maine, Pearl in Minnesota, Kate in Arizona (although a Minnesotan at heart), Susan in the Boonies, KKelley (no, not a typo) in Texas, Linda in Arkansas, Carol in England, Fishducky in California, Sandra in Canada, Abe in Utah, Katie in Los Angeles, Desiree in South Africa, Bouncin’ Barb in South Carolina, Becky in California, Linda in South Africa, Rodney in New Hampshire, Karen in Mizzou and a few others whom LG will purposely skip in order to provoke them into posting an angry comment about the glaring omission (Admission: LG is just a comment whore in the brothel of the blogosphere.)

Until recently, LG had not met any of these fine folks in the flesh; they’ve all been merely virtual “buddies.” Sort of like your Facebook friends, only even more distant and superficial, if you can believe that. And LG knows you can.

LG has just returned from a trip to the Left Coast with Mrs. LG. He waited until now to tell you so that you wouldn’t burgle his house – not all readers are “friends.” Here's a picture from the balcony of LG and Mrs. LG's hotel room in California:

Pretty sweet, no? TRUE STORY: Years ago, LG stayed at this hotel on a business trip with a married colleague. When his wife called him the day before he was to fly home, she asked if he missed her and the kids. "Not really," he said, "I love this hotel and wish I could stay longer." Yes, absolutely true. Luckily, frying pans and rolling pins do not travel through phone lines.

Anyway, back to the original point. During this trip LG and Mrs. LG made live, in-the-flesh contact with none other than Bossy Betty, author of a truly exceptional blog which can be found by clicking HERE!.

Also, for those interested, you can flashback to The LG Report’s interview with Bossy Betty by clicking HERE!.

Yes, all the exclamation points are necessary. Please don't ask again.

LG reads Bossy Betty’s blog as regularly as he reads any. It’s exceedingly well-written and, in turns, funny and poignant. She also shows off her immense talent as a photographer and, occasionally, sprinkles a bit of culture on the unwashed masses with a poem or two. And not the kind that begin with “There once was a man from Nantucket...” [Which, as you might guess, is LG’s favorite opening line…hey, you can’t polish a turd.]

Bossy Betty [Note: Not her real name. LG will not betray her confidence, however, so we’ll use the pseudonym here] has been facing some daunting personal challenges as of late, which LG first learned by reading her blog. Bossy seemed a bit down-in-the-dumps (which is usually where LG does his clothes shopping), so when LG learned that he’d be going to California for a business trip, he e-mailed Bossy and made the audacious proposal that Bossy join LG and Mrs. LG for a meal on a Sunday. In an equally audacious manner, Bossy accepted.

And she didn’t even try to dictate the meeting spot. Bossy, she wasn’t.

So we met. And had a truly enjoyable brunch. Or lunch. LG is never clear as to how to classify that meal. His rule of thumb: “brunch” is simply "lunch" on a weekend. Although shouldn't it then be called "w-lunch?" Feel free to be the first to popularize the word "w-lunch" in your town, no need to even footnote LG. You're welcome.

Bossy Betty was witty and engaging and LG and Mrs. LG thoroughly enjoyed themselves. LG found Bossy to be somewhat as he’d imagined, but not exactly. Besides not being bossy in the least, she was exceedingly nice. And fun. And funny. She also gave LG and Mrs. LG some very cool greeting cards adorned with her stunning original photography.

So there’s a lesson to be learned here kids, although LG is not certain that he can articulate it succinctly. Perhaps it’s this: Don’t be afraid to take some chances by, for example, meeting in-person your heretofore imaginary cyber friends, it might turn out far better than you’d expect.

Bossy Betty, for one, is a delight. However, LG can’t yet speak for all of those other characters set forth in the list above, you might have to meet them for w-lunch to decide for yourself.

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Here's a picture of Bossy Betty and LG after brunch/w-lunch. LG still has some of his prison work-release clothing, hence the orange shirt.

As always, thanks for stopping by, hope to see you back again soon!

Geography... As Taught By The LG Report!

2011-11-06T13:34:00.001-05:00

It has recently come to the attention of The LG Report that the American public in general, and readers of The LG Report in particular, need to brush up on their geography knowledge [although, make no mistake, readers of The LG Report are far smarter than the average person.]

So let's get started. Grab your assigned seat, leave your gift of an Apple (iPad) on the teacher's desk, and prepare to get your learn on. No dipping pony tails in the official HP ink cartridges (they cost $45 each).

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This is Nigeria. It's in Africa. The retirement funds of a lot of American people are in Nigeria at the moment, although not many Americans are with them. If you're currently awaiting a large inheritance from a previously-unknown Nigerian relative, please consider investing in The LG Report's upcoming IPO. We promise to use proper English when soliciting your money.

This is France. The French don't like you. They don't even like you looking at a map of their perfect country. Get your dirty, hairy, low-class American eyeballs off this map. Move it along before we call a gendarme...

This is China. Everything that's touching your body right now was made in China. Everything that you buy in the next year will be from China. If you adopt a child, he or she will be Chinese. The next take-out food you order will be Chinese. In fact, this caption was written by an outsourced Chinese freelance writer (which explains why it's not that funny; he was intentionally holding back to protect his country.)

This is Greece.

This is Mexico. Just looking at a photo of it is dangerous.

This is an aerial view of Canada, as seen from NASA's American-made Pioneer YRT-983 satellite. Yes, we just made up that satellite designation, but Canadians won't know. However, that's really how Canada looks from outer space. The Canadian capital city, North Pole, is designated by the puck. Not visible: All the igloos.

This was really the only photo to represent Sweden that we could find. Seriously.

This is Florida. Designated in green, orange and yellow are the counties where the majority of residents are slow-driving, early-buffet-arriving, government-complaining, blue-haired retirees from Up North. Don't laugh, you'll live here for part of the year some day.

That's it folks, today's geography lesson from The LG Report. We hope that we didn't offend anyone, but if you're actually annoyed by something on this blog, you need to reassess your emotional stability. Or just move to Florida now.

We hope to see you back here again soon!

Mixed Bag

2011-10-31T03:55:00.000-04:00

LG has not been posting much lately, as you may have noticed. A bunch of things have been going on, including snow, blackouts and work issues, plus, LG is losing some of his blogging momentum. We'll see how it goes ... In the meantime, here's a photo from LG's trip, currently in progress, to Southern California.

As you can see, the airlines are not only cheaping put these days by charging for checked luggage and on-board meals, but they're also flying closer to the ground to save gas. This was while we were flying over Denver's airport on our way to San Diego.

Now on to some recent Facebook postings. Only the highlights (yes, there were plenty even less funny than these!)

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This is how bad the economy is these days: Went to see a filming of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" yesterday and learned that they've now changed the name to "Who Wants Extra Foodstamps?" Seriously.

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"Slow Down" traffic signs annoy me. How do they know how fast you're going in the first place? They don't. To make my point, I always slow down to 1 mile-per-hour whenever I see one of those signs. I think the people behind me support my principled stand because they always honk their support enthusiastically. Some even give the bird to the sign.

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Man, I'm tired today. I was at a three-way last night, it was wild.

The people at the other two stop signs almost collided, neither stopped fully. It was crazy, nearly a huge wreck. I was talking about a three-way stop intersection, of course. What did you think?!

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When you think about it, the name "Pottery Barn" makes no sense. When was the last time you heard someone say "That's like closing the barn door after the pottery gets out?"

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This is going too far now. A bunch of pre-schoolers in my town are mad at the new PBS schedule of shows, so they've started an "Occupy Sesame Street" movement.

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Steven Seagal is going to patrol the U.S. - Mexico border (see http://www.tmz.com/2011/10/17/steven-seagal-lawman-sheriffs-deputy-border-patrol-kill-puppy-guns-rifles/). He'll do a great job of keeping illegals out of our country if he uses the same acting skills that help him keep people out of theaters.

As always, thanks for stopping by!

THE LGR Interviews Bouncin' Barb!

2011-10-22T18:46:00.000-04:00

[Editor's Note: Yes, the exclamation point was necessary.]

Today, The LG Report heads down to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina to interview the incomparable Barb of This & That (As I Bounce Thru Life) . Barb writes a delightfully entertaining blog from the point of view of a lifelong Northerner (she moved to South Carolina from Connecticut three years ago) who now finds herself in the warmer and easier-going environment of the South. Click her blog title above to be transported to her unique world.

The LG Report recently sat down with Bouncin' Barb over a plate of crawdads to find out what makes her tick. Well, not really, we just asked our usual inane questions, but that sounded good. Anyway, strap yourself in, here we go:

The LG Report: Barb, let's address the elephant(s) in the room right off the bat...your nickname is "Bouncin' Barb," obviously because of your bouncy and buoyant personality, correct?

Bouncin' Barb: Yeah Right! Bouncy and buoyant but not quite about the personality. I wrote a post about how I got my nickname. Click Here to read it.

The LG Report: OK, now that I've come off seeming like a sensitive and in-touch-with-his-emotions type of guy, let's really address the elephant -- Do they ever give you black eyes when you run or walk fast?

Bouncin' Barb: No, but I have caused a few fender benders when I used to powerwalk!!

The LG Report: Sorry, that was a piggish question. We assume they're real. How do you hold them up, is there steel reinforcement or something?

Bouncin' Barb: I must confess that I have never been fond of anything that is restrictive so I let ‘em loose. At 50 years old I still look pretty good.

The LG Report: Sorry, sorry, this is wrong, we can't stay focused on just one specific physical characteristic, albeit a superlative one, of you. You are a well-rounded, complex human being with a wide variety of fascinating aspects to your being. Let's move on to something more substantial, you've already kept us abreast of developments on that other topic.

OK, what's the cup size. We promise, we'll move on after this one....

Bouncin' Barb: I’m a proud D cup and yes I am a well rounded individual. Especially with what is “behind” me. When I was younger I would have put JLo to shame.

The LG Report: So we're told by your media relations people that you grew up in New Jersey. Probably the best state that there is. What's the best thing about New Jersey in your view (viewing it over those two bouncing orbs, that is...)

Bouncin' Barb: I did grow up there. I left there for a year to run wild out in Idaho but returned for a few more years. I was fortunate to grow up in the more rural area of the state but it was turning into a concrete jungle after awhile. I still say “cawfee”, “dawg”, and “oh my gawd”. That always gets a laugh especially down south. However, growing up in Jersey did teach me how to be a true Joisey Girl and not take crap from anyone!

The LG Report: And then you spent time living in Connecticut. We assume not at the Women's Federal Correctional Facility in Danbury. Not that we're interested in or obsessed with women's prisons. So, did you live near Danbury?

Bouncin' Barb: Fortunately no. Danbury is too close to New York. I lived in the Hartford area. The insurance capital of the world.

The LG Report: What was the best thing about living in Connecticut and if it was so great, why did you leave? Sorry to put you in the hot and bouncy seat here.

Bouncin' Barb: I loved CT because it was as New England as I had imagined. And the casinos were so much fun. The schools were great for my son even though he hated school. My late hubby was from there originally so we moved back to be near his children as well. After he passed away I eventually moved down south to get away from the freezing cold and snow. Lately it’s cold up till May in CT.

The LG Report: We know that you moved to South Carolina to buy fireworks. What's it like living in the South after growing up in the Northeast? Do you ever find yourself missing the ice and snow and cold and traffic and crime and dirt and....

Bouncin' Barb: You’ve been misinformed. I didn’t move for the fireworks. I moved for the warm sunny beaches. And I don’t miss anything about CT except for my son, step kids and grandkids. It is pretty hot and steamy here so sitting on the beach or dipping in the ocean is amazing.

The LG Report: What's your favorite topic to blog about and why?

Bouncin' Barb: I love to tell stories of my very colorful life. My followers ask for more so I have to provide them with what they want. Let’s just say I can’t run for public office! But I also like to write about my late hubby because he was so awesome. He was much older than me so he would tell people he raised me. He kind of did. He had a great sense of humor. He had to if he married me.

The LG Report: Please provide us with a link to one or two of your personal favorite postings on your blog.

Bouncin' Barb: Click here.... and HERE to read them.

The LG Report: We know that you've put a person's cremated remains in a Zip-loc baggie. That's rather unorthodox. Can you give us any other examples of wacky things you've done which would cause us to cross the street to walk on the other side when we see you coming?

Bouncin' Barb: Sometimes I have issues with my left and rights. I was once giving directions from the passenger seat to a friend’s house. I said at the next stop, turn right and pointed with my hand. Right? Yes I said. Right here? Again I said yes getting aggravated. Right here once more? Turns out I used my left hand to point to the left while saying turn right. So you could say that you might want to cross to the other side of the road if you see me coming.

The LG Report: It's widely reported in People Magazine, US Weekly and O, the Oprah Magazine, that you and Sandra of Absolutely Narcissism (live link there) are having an international blogging affair. A more piggish man than LG would say "Can we watch?" As a refined blogger, LG will pass on that. Who is going to eventually move, you to Canada or her to South Carolina and how will that work out?

Bouncin' Barb: I had to ask Sandra for her input here because we have that kind of considerate love for each other.

Her reply: I will move. I’m a heat seeker....you know, the sun. I love the sun…what did you think I meant by heat seeker?

My reply: She’s got to move here to the south. Have you seen her in a bikini? We have beach weather for 7 months a year here.

The LG Report: If you and Sandra were to co-write a blog, what would it's name be?

Bouncin' Barb: We will have to keep that secret until we released the blog. But it would be good, I can promise you that.

The LG Report: What's your position on the debt ceiling?

Bouncin' Barb: I’m sorry. The only time I’ve had a position on the ceiling is when there was a mirror above the bed.

The LG Report: Can they talk? Sorry, that was uncalled for. Let's move on to a different question. I need to start looking up at your face. Myrtle Beach is a tourist mecca, known for it's variety of interesting activities, including golf. Given the array of attractions in the area, we have to ask: Do you work at the Master's Strip Club? If so, can you get LG's friends free passes. These would not be for LG of course, but for his unnamed friends.

Bouncin' Barb: I’m sorry but I am currently out of commission. However I have a lifetime pass at Mount Atlanticus Mini Golf in Myrtle Beach and my picture in a bathing suit is on their wall of fame. You and your friends can go there to see me. I made an incredible hole in one on the 19^th hole that was so difficult even seasoned golfers couldn’t make it.

The LG Report: What do you think of the tourists who overwhelm Myrtle Beach?

Bouncin' Barb: Most of them are true rednecks who come out of the mountains every summer to see the beach. You can have a field day people watching here.

The LG Report: Who would play you in the movie "Bouncin' Barb's Life Story?" LG sees Pamela Anderson but you may have a better choice.

Bouncin' Barb: Pam’s were bought and paid for. Mine are the real thing. So I’m thinking since most of Hollywood’s women are siliconed, I’d have to play myself.

The LG Report: Barb, it's been a true pleasure interviewing you today. Any parting thoughts for our readers?

Bouncin' Barb: Yes. Live life to the fullest. It’s way too short.
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That's a wrap folks, our interview with the fabulous Bouncin' Barb has come to an end. Check out her blog when you get a chance, she's very entertaining and well worth your time.

See you back here again soon!

The LG Report Interviews Carol, Author of "Mini Skirts and Laughter Lines"

2011-10-17T22:28:00.000-04:00

Kids,

LG doesn't want to belabor this point, so let's get right to it: Carol's book "Mini Skirts and Laughter Lines" is AWESOME! The book is probably aimed mostly at women, but LG, as a man, read it from cover to cover and LOVED IT. Order it now (click on the book's title above to bring you to the link, which will allow you to order it) and you will be very happy to have done so.

OK, on to the next order of business, here's LG's interview with Carol. Enjoy:

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The LG Report: Carol, thanks for stopping by today for this interview. We know your schedule has been very busy since the publication of your fabulous new book and all of its attendant success. We're glad to see that none of this has gone to your head. By the way, would you please ask your three bodyguards to sit down now, they're making us nervous with those guns pointed at us.

So, first question: How many of the incidents in this book were based on your real life on a scale of 0% to 100%? 100% being the highest, in case you're not good at math.

Famous Author Carol: Sorry who are you again? Aren’t I supposed to be answering questions for Jay Leno? Ah well, never mind, you look nicer than him, but do please hurry up with the questions. I have a ten-fifteen slot with Oprah and CNN want me to front their news programme tonight because I have a nice British accent.

Now, question one – I have to be careful with this answer as I have made a major disclaimer in the front of the book that all the work and all of the characters are fictional so I can’t give away too much. Between you and me though, at least (cough, cough, cough) percent are true.

The LG Report: Have you ever had a former lover contact you in real life and, if so, did you meet up with him? Please provide salacious details, you know that nobody really reads The LG Report.

Famous Author Carol: I’m guessing I can’t use the coughing answer again on this one. Yes, I have. In fact I have had three former boyfriends contact me on the internet but about a hundred years has gone by since we last met so it wouldn’t be wise to rekindle any relationship and meet up. I saw the photographs of one of them and I think he has had a sex change. He’s now called Toni with an ‘i’ instead of Tony and likes wearing bright pink lycra leggings. I have a horrible feeling that I might have caused some irreparable damage to him when we split up. Another is married to a wrestler, has four children and works as an accountant and the third is Todd Bradshaw!

The LG Report: Why did you choose the title "Gone with the Wind" for your book? Oh, wait, sorry, your book is "Mini Skirts and Laughter Lines." Sorry for the confusion, we had schedule an interview with Margaret Mitchell until we realized that she's dead. So, back to your book, how did you settle upon the title?

Famous Author Carol: I needed something punchy that would convey the sense of fun in the book. I wrote out a list of about twenty titles and asked friends to choose their favourite title then ripped them all up and chose this one which came to me at three o’clock on the morning I needed to send my script to the publisher. My husband wanted me to call it ‘Fifty not Out’ But since there isn’t one reference to cricket I didn’t think that would work.

The LG Report: Describe your writing process to us, but keep it non-boring if possible. We're already getting sleepy and you haven't even started to speak...

Famous Author Carol: My brain fires up, my fingers whir over the keyboard and after about fifteen hours during which time I forget to eat, cook, clean the house, or go to the bathroom my husband tells me off for ignoring him all day and complains that I am keeping him awake with the clatter of keyboard strokes. I then spend every night for the next three months in a sleepless fog, type all night and behave like a zombie housewife all day.

The LG Report: How did your husband and son feel about their sort-of portrayal in the book? Did they feel the portrayal was a betrayal? We only asked that second question because it was a nifty rhyme, feel free to disregard if you don't like answering nonsensical questions.

Famous Author Carol: Hubby refuses to read it. He’s frightened that I might have put something about him in it - as if I would!

Son loved it and made all his work colleagues buy a copy which he signed as ‘Tom’. By the way I love the nifty rhyming question – are you going to try that technique in your new insurance book.?

The LG Report: What is J.K. Rowling like? We assume you that famous female U.K.-based authoresses get together for tea all the time.

Famous Author Carol: She’s a very cool dude…hangs out with some strange sorts though – they seem to be mini Goths in cloaks - and she has a weird habit of bringing owls to the tearoom.

The LG Report: You use a lot of words which American readers aren't familiar with, such as "chuffed," "chuntered" and "tannoy system" to name a few (they may not be spelled exactly correct, since LG doesn't have his copy of the book at the moment, Mrs. LG has it somewhere.) We consider that part of the charm of the book. There's not really a question here so let's try to make one anyway: What's your favorite scene in the book?

Famous Author Carol: Ah, the diversity of the British language! I find some of its words, like ‘chunter’, ‘snogging’ and ‘barmcake’ always make me smile. That isn’t really an answer, is it?

My favourite scene is the ending where beautiful, smart and enchanting Anna has an affair and ends up throwing herself under a train, all because Victorian society said it was OK for a man to cheat, but not a woman...hang on did I write that one?

Gosh, I can’t really answer the question because in truth I haven’t read Mini Skirts and Laughter Lines.

The LG Report: Tell the truth now: Were you mentally picturing LG in your mind as the inspiration for Todd Bradshaw, the dreamy ex-boyfriend? If you say "no" this interview will not get published, but feel free to answer truthfully.

Famous Author Carol: If I answer yes, Mrs LG will come over here and practice her judo moves on me so I’m ‘taking the fifth’ on this question.

The LG Report: Do you like to garden as much as Amanda Wilson, the main character in the book? And, if so, have you won any prizes for gardening? What's your favorite thing to grow?

Famous Author Carol: (Splutters her chilled Chablis over the table at this question) I am to gardening what Lady Gaga is to modesty. I can’t tell the difference between a plant and a weed. As long as it produces some sort of colour it gets to live in my garden. The wild rabbits have sorted out the garden layout now though – it seems to consist of some grass and lots of holes.

The LG Report: If you could now go back and change any one thing about the book, what would it be?

Famous Author Carol: Phil would murder Amanda and run off with Todd.

The LG Report: When the movie gets made, do you see LG starring in the role of Todd Bradshaw or would you prefer a close substitute for LG, say George Clooney or Brad Pitt?

Famous Author Carol: I think you would make a fabulous Todd: suntanned, worldly, engaging and very wealthy. As long as you can do your own stunts and wear tight Speedos I see no reason why you couldn’t play the role.

The LG Report: What real-life actress do you envision playing Amanda Wilson? We're thinking maybe Diane Lane or Meryl Streep. Your thoughts?

Famous Author Carol: I favour the actress who played Bridget Jones – Renee Zellweger or maybe we could ask Madonna to make another movie appearance. She’d look good in the thigh length boots and thong section. Hubby said Cameron Diaz because he rather likes her, so definitely not Cameron Diaz.

The LG Report: Are you working on a sequel yet? If not, another book? If so, please give us a brief synopsis to whet our appetite and let us know when you expect that it will be released.

Famous Author Carol: The next book will be called Surfing in Stilettos.

Amanda will be back, along with her mother who has now discovered Skype and has set in the fashion industry with Grego and Spencer. Their retro clothing is hitting Europe by storm, as is her mother who has taken partying to a whole new level.

There are some familiar characters and also new characters including Bibi, a French woman whose husband is having a string of affairs but who has a refreshing approach to his infidelity and ageing.

Amanda is enjoying her on-line life and is making many friends but behind all the frivolity, looming in the background, is a shadowy sinister figure who becomes obsessed with Amanda.

The LG Report: In your wildest dreams, while you were writing "Mini Skirts and Laughter Lines," did you ever expect that you would achieve so much success as to be interviewed by The LG Report? Be honest.

Famous Author Carol: I really didn’t expect that I would shoot to such dizzy heights. Jay, I can’t tell you how much it has meant to be on your show. I have been a big fan of yours Mr Leno, for so long and to meet you in the flesh has been a privilege.

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So that's the interview. It would be really hard to explain how entertaining Carol's book and blog are, but you might get the drift. (click on this link to get to Carol's blog: Facing50WithHumour) It's all very fun and entertaining. and LG recommends that you check it out ASAP! And come back again soon, we have some more fun stuff planned...

Redux: An Ode to Wegman's

2011-10-15T14:07:00.000-04:00

Here's a re-post from February 2010. For those of you unfamiliar with Wegmans, you may not want to read below, it will make you a tad jealous...

[Editor's Note: Our sure-to-entertain-you interview with Carol of "Facing 50 With Humour" about her new book "Mini Skirts and Laughter Lines" will be posted soon so please check back.]

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A brilliant, shining beacon, brighter in the grocery universe than even the sun,
Wegmans wipes up its lame competitors like a bad spill in aisle one.

Its produce farm fresh and crisp; Wegmans sells the tastiest deli,
The competition’s food is old...hard...and even a tad smelly.

“I can fix the economy,” said the Prez, “I will mend ‘er,”
His smart move: making Wegmans coupons U.S. legal tender.

And so now I solemnly pledge, ashamed just a smidgeon,
That I’ve left the church; Wegmans is my new religion.
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I've heard peopls say bad things about the Pope, but I've never heard anyone say anything bad about Wegmans.

And I've never seen Sinead O'Connor rip up a picture of a Wegmans store on Saturday Night Live.

This is a bit over the top, I know, but the Cult of Wegmans has a chokehold on the Mid-Atlantic region and it's time to discuss it openly. Specifically, I'm talking about the five states boasting Wegmans locations: New York (48), Pennsylvania (13), New Jersey (7), Virginia (6) and Maryland (1).

Two Wegmans are planned for Massachusetts, but no construction date has been set. Pity poor Massachusetts, being on the receiving end of a Wegmans tease. And, even more, pity the other 44 Wegmans-less wastelands trying to pass themselves off as U.S. states. They are Third-Worlders as far as the rest of us are concerned.

If you haven't been in a Wegmans, you can't imagine what I'm talking about, but I'll try to pull back the curtain a bit on the Wizard (only this one is real). And I'll supply some pictures.

I went into a New Jersey Wegmans recently just to get some photos for this post. I had no intention of making any purchases, I wanted nothing. When I emerged an hour later, I wanted for nothing.

Here's the scene in a typical Wegmans produce department:

This pictue doesn't capture the full cornucopia of fresh fruits and vegetables that dance about. They are so fresh that they seem to grow in their display crates. Most first-timers swirl in circles, wide-eyed, gaping at the extensive selection.

One of the drawbacks of being a small-time blogger, like me (I know I had you fooled), is that it can be awkward, and raise questions, when you take pictures of people and places in public for no discernible reason.

As I raised my camera to snap the photo above, an elderly gentleman, a dead ringer for Uncle Junior of "The Sopranos," said to me " Whaddaya buying the place?"

Good question.

Feeling somewhat like I had been busted by the police, I mumbled that I had to take a picture so that I could send it to a friend. He replied, "Yeah, I do that too..." Then he walked away, convinced, it seemed, that he hadn't stumbled across somebody who was up to no good.

It's difficult to determine where to begin when describing the delight that is Wegmans. The store has a huge selection, only the best and freshest products, competitive prices, a luxurious interior (as food stores go) and knowledgeable, nice and enthusiastic employees (37,000 of them.) Wegmans was ranked #5 on Fortune Magazine's 2009 list of The 100 Best Companies To Work For and has been featured on the list every year since it began in 1998. In 2005, Wegmans was #1.

Here's what the freezer cases look like:

That's genuine imported French oak surrounding the freezer doors, it once lined the ballroom of the Palace at Versailles.

Ok, I made that up, maybe I'm getting a bit carried away, but if you're thinking of freezing yourself cryogenically after you die, you couldn't do better than storing your body in a Wegmans freezer. You'd be assured of at least weekly visits from your family -- maybe twice during Super Bowl week. This could be a new product idea for Wegmans.

"Let's go say hello to Uncle Hal kids, he's hanging right next to the 'Tastes Like Delivery' DiGiorno pizzas."

The deli selection was much more impressive than depicted here. A woman was ordering, and both she and the counter guy were looking at me funny when they saw that I was going to take their picture. I heard them say something about "Megan's Law" and I walked away quickly. There's nothing worse than being thrown out of paradise.

This is a partial picture of the Wegmans prepared food buffet. It puts Las Vegas to shame. And those stairs in the background lead to a five-star cafe.

Employees of other supermarkets shop here.

Wegmans was founded by the Wegman family in Rochester, NY in 1916 and has been continuously run by a family member. Today, Danny Wegman is CEO and his daughter, Colleen, is the president.

It's one of the largest privately-held companies in the United States according to Forbes Magazine.

Those are some of the cold, hard facts, but, clearly, they don't convey the entire picture.

Wegmans is Babe Ruth hitting a monster homerun with a loaf of piping hot Italian bread,
Wegmans is Michael Jordan slamming home a rim-rattling dunk with a fresh lettuce head,
Wegmans is ~~Tiger Woods~~ Arnold Palmer making a 50-foot putt with a USDA Grade A egg,
Wegmans is Pele faking out two defenders and blasting the winning goal with a tender turkey leg.
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By now, I hope you get the picture. Wegmans Rocks. Amen.

Facebook Posts October 2011

2011-10-11T23:27:00.000-04:00

Yeah, we know, it's a little lame but we're recycling Facebook posts from LG's account for those who haven't seen them..enjoy!

PS Interview with Carol about her new book coming soon. So you have that to look forward to ....

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Obama's new tax plan is really hitting people hard. The rapper 50 Cent just announced that he has to change his name to 43 Cent.

Infidelity. Broken promises. Back-stabbing. Lies. Divorce. The Real Housewives? No, The Big East Conference!
George Clooney must have ESP. I've been sending him messages telepathically telling him not to call me to be his stunt double in movies (it's obvious that we look alike) and lo and behold: He has refrained from calling. You just can't explain some workings of the supernatural.
Rock stars should not stay in hotels. You always hear of rock stars dying in hotel rooms. When was the last time you heard of a rocker dying in a timeshare? And this post was not even sponsored by the timeshare industry.
Bobby "Boris" Pickett and the Crypt-Kickers improved upon my idea and made a fortune. The song I had originally written was called "Monster Au Gratin."
You know Jay Z. changed his name just so he'd be the last one called on in class. Pretty obvious.

Not everything translates well. I was in a Chinese restaurant the other day and I heard the cook singing "Sweet and Sour Home Alabama."
Trader Vic's standards have really gone down. I saw a werewolf in there the other day drinking a pina colada and his hair was far from perfect. In fact it was downright unkempt actually. Sad.
Man, Lynyrd Skynyrd was really pissed off at ole Neil Young. Personally, I think they need to develop thicker skyn about things like that.

I wonder if Mick Jagger knew that he was violating federal law when he went down to the Chelsea Drugstore to get someone else's prescription filled.

She wouldn't listen when I told her to stop talking. She just kept yammering away and telling me what to do. I grew more and more frustrated. I told her to stop, but she wouldn't. Finally, I hate to admit it, I lost my temper and slapper her. Damn GPS...

Is it just me or do people who you swear you never friended show up on your Facebook page? Mahmoud Amahdinejad keeps inviting me to hike with him near the Iran border. Weird.

Greece - Part 3

2011-10-06T23:41:00.001-04:00

LG is really pissed off. Blogger.com has changed to some new format which is exceedingly hard to navigate and is really annoying. The list of blog followers, and blogs followed, are both gone. Nobody at Blogger.com (Google) responds to any requests or questions. For the time being, LG is going to post only very infrequently, once every week or two. He's considering switching to Wordpress or another platform. But for the time being, here are the last set of his recent trip to Greece, back by popular demand. These were tall taken with his DROID camera phone. Enjoy!

LG's personal yacht can be seen in the background. It was funded by the ad revenue from The LG Report. Thank you readers!

LG and his lovely wife stayed in the white building during their honeymoon on Santorini.

This is the view from LG's hotel balcony on Mykonos. That pool is filled with ouzo. Kind of sticky but you don't mind when it gets in your mouth.

This is the evening view from LG's balcony on Andros Island, where his father was born and raised. LG got special treatment while on Andros, an extra bar of soap in his room at the local hotel.

A fishing boat on Andros. The fish are attracted by the bright orange color. LG doesn't know this for a fact, but you probably don't either and it sounds good.

Bougainvillaea (thank you spell check) hang over a street in the small port town of Gavrion on Andros. LG's dad grew up in the house on the far right, just before the stairs, although it doesn't look like a house to you rich Americans. Get over it.

MCat and some others wanted to see pictures of Greek food. In the foreground is a plate of saganaki, traditional fried Greek cheese. Not pictured: Traditional Greek cardiologist performing CPR on saganaki eaters. In the back on the right is a gyro, or souvlaki. On the left is a plate of fat French fries, non-McDonald's style. Get over that too.

The Acropolis in Athens, one of the Seven Wonders of the World. This building is older than Betty White (but not by much.) The woman in the foreground in the blue dress never thought she'd be pictured on The LG Report, otherwise she would've covered her cottage cheese arm. She's flanked by two Indiana Jones wannabees.

A view of Athens from the Acropolis. LG stayed in that white building.

And, finally, one last photo from the islands, the place you want to be if you visit Greece. The economy there needs your tourist dollars and it's not really that expensive. Just tell them that LG sent you and you'll get the red-carpet treatment. What are you waiting for? As Steve Jobs said, live every day as if it were your last...

Until next time, thanks for stopping by!

Greece in Photos, Part 2

2011-09-29T01:20:00.000-04:00

LG and Mrs. LG recently returned from a delayed honeymoon to Greece. Here are some photos with minimal commentary. Another installment or two of this series may follow if public demand so dictates...

This is from the island of Santorini. White paint is very popular in Greece.

Clear water, cool-looking boat, calm seas. What more could you want?

Blue is the second most popular paint color in Greece. No Home Depots. Less doing, less saving.

The lovely Mrs. LG strikes a pose. The cliffs of Santorini are in the background.

Another boat photo. LG likes boats, what can he say?

A gang of rowdy kids on Andros Island. Looks like they're up to no good. This type of juvenile behavior really gets LG's goat.

Very few people know that the ancient Greeks were experts in the scaffolding arts.

LG is dog tired right now, so he's hitting the hay. Leave a comment if you'd like to see more pix from Greece.

And, as always, thanks for stopping by!

Greece

2011-09-22T10:53:00.000-04:00

LG is currently in Greece, hence the hiatus in posting and in reading other people's blogs. He'll be back next week, but in the meantime, here's an excerpt from a conversation LG had with his wife and then some pictures from the trip for your viewing pleasure.

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LG: I just did something and I want you to tell me if you think it was funny or rude, you be the judge.

Wife: OK, but before you tell me what you did, I know that the answer will be "rude."
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So here are some pix, back next week with more:

LG's Weekend in Northern California

2011-09-14T01:31:00.000-04:00

LG spent last weekend in Northern California. He was invited to speak at a major American law firm's annual partners retreat. Yes, it's true.

About 140 people were on hand to hear a number of speakers, including LG, who talked about an insurance book he wrote and, also, 9/11.

This law firm shall remain nameless. Law firms and other respectable businesses generally do not appreciate being mentioned on The LG Report. Go figure. Apparently, they want to keep their clients.

But before we get to that, LG must tell you about his new favorite restaurant in San Francisco (where LG lived for two years, a long time ago...) It's called Gamine (click on the name to get to the website), and every single dish was exquisite. From the appetizers (escargot, calamari, an unnamed melted cheese dip) to the main course (rabbit with mashed potatoes), everything caused a taste riot. The Palate Police were even called in.

The owner of Gamine, Stefan, is a very cool dude who has an interesting back story (Can people have "back stories?" On The LG Report they can, although they're more likely to have back hair...)

Stefan was born and raised in the South of France. We don't know if the word "South" should be capitalized there, but it probably makes the French happy and it's the least we can do since they gave us their particular variety of fries, toast and kisses.

Here's a most interesting fact: At age 13, Stefan won some big-time, national-or-thereabouts, wine-tasting contest in France. A scholarship to a culinary school was the prize. And we don't mean McDonald's Hamburger U. Again, at age 13 he won this uber-big-time wine-tasting contest. Yes, really. At thirteen you might have won a Mad Dog- or Colt 45-tasting contest.

So anyway, if you're ever in San Francisco, you must stop in at Gamine or you'll only be cheating yourself, as your third grade teacher used to say. Don't cheat yourself, plenty of other people are out there willing to cheat you as it is. And maybe mug you. So try the rabbit first before you're cheated in any other way. Then e-mail us and we'll tell you about the fortune you're about to inherit in West Africa.

Back to the law firm conference.

LG was the last to speak on Saturday. He made it through the insurance part quite easily. But then he became somewhat choked up at the 9/11 part.

It was the first time that LG had ever spoken to a large group of people about 9/11. He did not actually cry (honest injun), but his voice quivered and he welled up a bit. Most of the audience members were from the West Coast and had no direct connection to 9/11 casualties, so they were very interested and attentive. Especially on the eve of the tenth anniversary.

When it was over, LG stepped down off the stage and a big fellow, about 6' 3" inches and a lot of pounds, zoomed right up to LG and gave him a bear hug. He said that he always has to hug people who are obviously upset. This almost made LG even more upset, but not quite.

It was a magnanimous act by a total stranger. A total stranger to LG anyway; LG assumes that other people, such as the man's family, knew him and wouldn't consider him to be a total stranger.

Anyway, that's how it went down. Extremely surreal day 10 years ago, semi-surreal day on September 10, 2011. No comparison, of course.

No pictures to post this time out, a rarity for The LG Report. Did you even notice? If so, we'll get that guy to give you a hug.

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LG must include the following note in today's post:

Carol, of Facing 50 With Humour, recently published her first book, Mini Skirts and Laughter Lines. LG just started reading it, he's about 70 pages in, and it's a total hoot.

Anyone will fall right into this book, man or woman. It's a very easy read (that's not an insult on Carol's intellect by the way...) and VERY funny. Great plot too. So it has The LG Report's highest star rating, a 10. Check it out if you get a chance, you won't regret it. And we'll soon have an exclusive interview with Carol right here in this space, so stay tuned.

Now go give someone a hug, would you?

September 11, 2001

2011-09-08T00:58:00.000-04:00

September 11, 2001 - A Remembrance

[Note: This post, originally published on September 10, 2010, is the most-viewed in the history of The LG Report. It's being published again as we approach the 10th anniversary of the September 11th attacks.]

It's hard to believe that nine years have passed since that horrific day in September of 2001. Nine years. In a way, it seems like it occurred a lifetime ago, but in another way, it feels like it was much more recent.

As many of you know, I was in my office in downtown Manhattan on the morning of September 11, 2001, about five blocks away from the World Trade Center. Shortly before the first anniversary, I sat at my computer and wrote 21 pages of stories about things that occurred on that day and in the year that followed. I had passed on all offers of grief counseling, preferring instead to cry by myself periodically, usually while in the shower. My stubbornness may have been a mistake at the time, but I'm the son of a native Greek father who only went to the doctor when he had an appendage to present for re-attachment. Actually, not even then. So writing about what I'd experienced was, I believe, my catharsis.

I had a feeling, as I was memorializing those stories, that one day they'd appear in a book. Six years later, I published a volume on the professional lines insurance industry, and those stories comprised the bulk of the chapter on September 11th.

A large number of people employed in the commercial insurance industry perished on that day, including former colleagues of mine.

There are many memories that I didn't record in those 21 pages; maybe someday I'll reduce those to writing as well. It was a very surreal time in the lives of most Americans.

The first event which made me realize how screwed up things had become was when, on September 12th, I saw a Michigan State Police car cruising along Third Avenue in Gramercy Park, not far from my apartment. Did New York City really need help from that far away? I'll also never forget emerging from my normal downtown subway stop on the way to work in the weeks after 9-11 and seeing the remaining shell of the World Trade Center Towers smoldering. The entire Ground Zero site emitted an odor of burnt wire and rubber. During the first couple of days, I had to show my business card to National Guard troops in order to be allowed into the area where my office was.

One of the more emotional moments, at a time when such were plentiful, engulfed me as I was on the phone with a woman at Hertz trying to rent a car. It was a couple of days after September 11th and I wanted to drive from Manhattan to my sister's house at the Jersey Shore. When the rental agent, who, I believe, was in Oklahoma, realized that I was calling from Manhattan and had been living through the event and its aftermath, she suddenly dropped her businesslike tone.

"What's it like up there? Are you OK? Can we do anything else to help you?"

Her genuine concern and kindness struck a chord deep within me. It was at that moment that I took a break from thinking about the craziness around me to realize that September 11th was not a New York catastrophe, or a Pennsylvania or Pentagon catastrophe, but truly a national catastrophe that affected every single American in a profound way. Those who were close to the events of that terrible day have no special ownership of its tragedy or an enhanced right to receive sympathy. All of our lives were changed immeasurably on September 11th. Some of us, I believe, have a duty to report what we experienced so that other Americans, current and future, may have a better idea of what transpired on that fateful day.

With that in mind, below is a brief excerpt from the September 11th chapter of my book.

This is one of the few times that The LG Report will not attempt to provide a humorous posting.
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[Excerpted from "Claims Made and Reported: A Journey Through D&O, E&O and Other Professional Lines of Insurance," Soho Publishing November 2008; All Rights Reserved ( Click Here For Book's Webpage)

May your strength give us strength
May your faith give us faith
May your hope give us hope
May your love give us love

– Bruce Springsteen “Into the Fire”

“Into the Fire” by Bruce Springsteen. Copyright © 2002 Bruce Springsteen (ASCAP.) Reprinted by permission. International copyright secured. All rights reserved.

VIII. September 11, 2001

[Note: This chapter is a revision of a piece that I wrote just prior to the first anniversary of September 11, 2001, well before I knew that I would be writing this book. I attempted to memorialize many of the events that I had seen and heard about on September 11th and during the year following that unfathomable tragedy. Given that so many commercial insurance people died on that dreadful day, I thought it appropriate to include those writings in this book. One-quarter of this book’s net proceeds will be donated to the National September 11 Memorial & Museum.]

The morning of September 11, 2001 began like most other mornings for me at the time. I woke at 6:30 am and spent 32 minutes riding my exercise bicycle in my living room on East 18th Street in Manhattan while watching TV. I then showered and got ready for work at AIG’s downtown offices. Every morning, just before leaving my apartment, I’d rip a page off my horoscope-of-the-day calendar to see what the stars were predicting for me. This routine was attributable to my mother, who passed away in 1993. She used to put a horoscope-of-the-day calendar into my Christmas stocking every year starting in about 1980. After my mother died, my sister Maria continued the tradition. My guess is that I had read my daily horoscope almost every morning for 21 consecutive years.

That day, something very strange happened even before I left my apartment. I was about to rip off September 10th’s page to read the new day’s prediction when I said to myself, for no discernible reason, “The world is different now, I’m not going to read horoscopes anymore, I don’t believe in them.” With that thought, I unceremoniously threw the entire calendar into the garbage. This was the first time in 21 years that I knowingly refused to read my daily horoscope.

Outside on Third Avenue I flagged a cab and headed south to my office at AIG in the financial district, in keeping with my routine. I want to emphasize here that I don’t claim to have ESP or any special ability to see the future, but there was an unusual aspect to my commute. Riding down Third Avenue (which turns into Bowery Street in lower Manhattan), there was a point in Chinatown, called Chatham Square, where the Twin Towers would become visible from the cab after being obscured earlier by buildings. In my mind’s eye, I would regularly imagine the Towers exploding from a high floor just as I entered Chatham Square. I didn’t know what would cause an explosion and I certainly never thought that a plane would be responsible. Nonetheless, I was envisioning a large eruption of gray and black smoke. This vision was the only reason that I knew the name of Chatham Square (whose sign was rather obscured): I felt strongly that someday it would be an important detail and I took special note of it. Over the previous three years, whenever I’d arrive in Chatham Square to see the Towers unharmed I would literally breathe a sigh of relief. Even on September 11, 2001 I had that (false) sense of security upon seeing them intact.

My next significant memory of that morning occurred shortly before 9 am. My home phone service had inexplicably been malfunctioning for a few days and I finally got around to calling Verizon. I was dialing customer service when a colleague, Jason Brown, entered my office to tell me that he heard on the radio that a plane had hit one of the World Trade Center Towers. I looked out my office window and saw dense clouds of paper fluttering high across the sky towards Brooklyn. It reminded me of the many ticker tape parades that I had seen along lower Broadway after a championship season or during a world dignitary’s visit. But I knew there was no parade that day. Something was wrong.

A bunch of us went downstairs to get a better look. Standing on the sidewalk in front of 175 Water Street with an ever-growing crowd of upward-looking gawkers (much like the throngs in a 1950s science fiction film watching descending UFOs on a city street), I remember thinking, or perhaps hoping, that helicopters with fire hoses would show up…of course, they didn’t.

Mesmerized, a colleague, John Feniello, shook his head and said, “That fire is going to burn for days.” Of course, he had no idea, nor did I, that the fire would burn not for mere days but for months – but not high in the sky, rather much lower, among the ruins of the Towers. But it seemed logical at the time; it was the only thing that we could believe.

When the second plane hit the South Tower, any doubts I had that this was a terrorist attack were immediately erased. We knew the country was under attack. Shrill screams could be heard and genuine panic started to set in, even though the worst was yet to come. Security guards announced that our building was closing for the day and told everyone to leave the area immediately. Much of the crowd started heading toward the ferries that were gathering at the foot of Wall Street. Others started walking uptown toward subways or buses that might, or might not, be in service. People also began walking across several bridges to escape the city.

It was a horror movie coming to life.

But I couldn’t leave, not at first anyway. I wanted to watch the firefighters battling the blazes. There’s no rational explanation, but I didn’t want to move until I knew that the situation was under control.

After a while of just staring up at the Towers, I heard a deep rumbling, like gigantic concrete bowling pins colliding. The noise didn’t last long, maybe five seconds at most. Before I knew what was happening, the South Tower slipped down out of my sight. It just disappeared…like a high-rise house of cards, its base kicked out from under it by an angry child. Moments later, the three-story building in front of us stood taller than the 110-story tower in the distance that had just been compressed back into its foundation. It was the sickest feeling, one that I don’t think I can quite explain. I saw it and I heard it and I felt it but I still can’t believe it. The Twin Towers seemed like the 100-year-old oak trees in your front yard: they couldn’t be moved or bent. If anything, they held up the sky. They anchored lower Manhattan and provided a sense of direction for every New Yorker who’d ever lost his bearings.

The collapse and disintegration of the South Tower seared my brain. I sincerely hope that I never see anything as stomach-churning again. People around me started screaming and crying. Everyone on the sidewalk knew someone who was in the Towers – a relative, a friend or a business acquaintance. Some people threw down briefcases and started running. I kept staring in shock. At that instant, I think everyone on the sidewalk knew that we had just witnessed the death of an unimaginable number of people. It occurred to me almost instantly that even the most battle-hardened soldiers never see so many people killed in a single instant. The aircrews who dropped the atomic bombs in World War II were not five blocks away at ground level when their payloads did their dirty work. And five blocks was relatively far in a sense; hundreds of firefighters, police officers, emergency medical technicians and other heroes were right on site. One firefighter later described the scene in this way: “Everything was on fire, everything you saw was burning. It was what I imagine Hell to be like.”

Quickly, certainly more quickly than I’d have imagined, a thick white cloud of smoke came rolling at us. It was a five-story-tall fog and it was moving fast. For a few seconds I froze. The bright September sky was being obscured. Then a guy not ten feet away from me breathlessly shouted “Run…ground smoke…it could kill us!”

I suddenly realized that there might have been deadly chemicals in the plane. There was no rational basis for this belief; but then again, nobody knew anything for sure at that point. The frenzy spread instantly: people dropped briefcases and bags and started running, screaming, just trying to get away from the smoke as quickly as possible. I remember thinking, “Those bastards, they might get me too, this could be how I die…” The fear of death was real and it was everywhere.

About two or three hundred of us ran straight toward the East River, only a block away, and then north past the South Street Seaport. I’ve since heard that some people actually jumped into the river to avoid the smoke but I didn’t see that. As we ran up the closed FDR Expressway the dense white fallout followed us. We formed a seemingly endless herd of stampeding business suits. Burning smells and the piercing screams of emergency vehicles joined to assault our senses. It was a war zone, although until that moment I don’t think that I had ever actually thought to imagine one. The word that describes it best and one which I’ve never truly experienced before: Bedlam.

I was alternately running and walking with four coworkers as we headed to my apartment about two miles away on 18th Street. A friend from San Francisco who was in town on business, in the lobby of the North Tower when the first plane hit, had – by some unbelievable stroke of good luck – noticed me amidst all the confusion and joined our group. When we were about halfway up the FDR, a guy who had been listening to a hand-held radio via earphone yelled out “The second tower just fell.” People gasped but we all just kept running. A few looked back.

When we got to my apartment, I wanted to tell the outside world the names of those who were safe. However, I still had a dead home phone and cell phone service was, at best, sporadic. Fortunately, my computer’s internet connection was working so I sat down and composed a message to everyone in my e-mail address book. To this day, many years later, I have not re-read that e-mail because I know that it will bring back many painful memories. But, I later learned, it was forwarded around the globe to those interested in first-hand accounts of the events in New York City on that dark day. My friend’s wife, who is an elementary school teacher, said that she used it in her classes as an example of a first-person account of September 11th. Here is that note:

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From: LG727@aol.com
Sent: Tuesday, September 11, 2001 12:58 PM
To: Larry.Goanos@aig.com
Bcc: Everyone in my address book
Subject: The Surreal Events of Today

I am shaking like a leaf in a windstorm as I type this. I cannot believe the events of today, as I'm sure you can't. I was in my office at 8:50 this morning when a colleague came in and said

that a plane had just crashed into the World Trade Center and papers were flying everywhere. I looked out the window of my office and saw a ticker-tape-parade type stream of papers flittering across the sky. After a few short minutes and various reports, some erroneous, a group of us descended in the elevator to the ground floor of our building, where we exited and looked to the left a bit where we saw Two World Trade Center, five blocks away, ablaze from the top third of the building. It was unreal. The black smoke and red flames framed against a clear blue sky.

The crowd on the sidewalk grew exponentially until we were standing shoulder-to-shoulder, at least 300 people staring upwards. One of my colleagues had just been in the lobby of One World Trade when the plane hit. He said smoke immediately came shooting down the elevator shafts and filled the lobby as people exited in terror. Pandemonium. He ran back to our

building, covered with soot, where he stood with us to watch in horror. We all stood around gaping at the flames, not aware of any possible danger to us. I sat and thought about how many people I know in those two towers who have no doubt perished. I'm aware of at least seven people from my subsidiary of AIG who were in one tower on a high floor. We do a lot of

business with Aon, an insurance broker on the top three or four floors of Two World Trade Center. As I type this, emergency vehicles are swirling by on the street outside my apartment on 18th Street. The massive cloud where the WTC used to stand is visible out my living room window.

As we watched the flames, after about twenty minutes, all of a sudden World Trade Center Tower One, which we could only see above the 40th floor or so ,collapsed before our eyes. It was the sickest, most surreal, most stomach-churning thing that I have ever seen in my life. My nerves became electrified, in a bad way, and I felt almost like I would collapse as well. Other people did. People started crying and getting hysterical, obviously because they knew people in WTC One and/or know any of the many, many police and firemen and rescue workers who were in and around the building trying to extinguish the fire and save lives. I just heard the mayor on the radio and he said he can't even get a rough estimate of how many firemen and police and EMTs died in the two WTC Tower collapses, he just said the number would be very large, staggering.

This whole day is unfathomable.

As I type this I continue to shake. I think about all the people who I know in those two towers and I can feel tears well up. There will be far too many funerals to attend. Many bodies, I'm sure, will never be identified. It is unbelievable. At least 50 to 100 people I know died today. Can you imagine that? Unless you're in a war, which I think we will be soon, that doesn't

happen. Many of you too, if not all, are in a similar situation, maybe you know even more who passed. Hopefully many of our friends and acquaintances were away on business or vacation, or running late. Our lives are changed forever and I don't think I'm being dramatic in saying that.

A few seconds after WTC One collapsed, a large, probably five-story high plume of white smoke erupted, far denser than any fog I'd seen living in San Francisco. All of a sudden, someone yelled "ground smoke, run, it can kill us!" and people began panicking, although, I must say it was a controlled panic if there can be such a thing. Hundreds of people began running, although not trampling each other, actually helping each other to some extent. Although one friend of mine asked a car service to give him a ride to Westchester (the car was empty but for the driver) and he said, "Sure, $2,000." I'll let that statement stand as its own condemnation of mankind, or at least one (hopefully small) segment of mankind.

As we walked/ran up the East Side under the FDR, past the South Street Seaport, the white cloud of deep dust/soot/whatever, followed us intently. It was moving at a good pace and, I must say, I feared for my life briefly, either from dying of smoke inhalation or being trampled. I don't think I was

alone in that feeling, it was very, very scary, and my words don't do it justice. We continued running and walking up the East Side, myself and four co-workers. All of a sudden I heard someone say "Larry Goanos!" I looked and it was Fran Higgins, a friend from San Francisco who's brother-in-law, John Doyle, works with me at AIG. He was scheduled to be in a meeting at Two WTC at 9 am and was running late, it took him an extra hour to get in from his sister's house in Westchester and he was in the lobby when the first plane hit. He ran outside and saw debris falling and three people actually jumping off high floors in order to kill themselves via the impact rather than await being burned by the intense flames. Reports are that many other people jumped as well. Fran didn't know where to go so I invited him to join me in the trek to my apartment about two miles north. He had two heavy bags but lumbered on. His father narrowly missed the bombing at WTC in 1992. Two bullets dodged by his family at the WTC.

Cell phones weren't working. People were screaming out names. It was sick (to re-use a phrase again and again; it is, sadly, the most appropriate.) The FDR expressway was closed. People were running everywhere, keeping an eye on the large cloud following us. Some were ready to jump into the East River to escape the smoke if need be. As we got about six or eight blocks up the FDR someone who had an earphone of a radio in their ear reported that WTC 2 had just collapsed as well. The whole thing was the sickest, most twisted, surreal, screwed up thing that I had ever heard or imagined.

Eventually we made our way to my friend Jim Riely's place on East 22nd Street. As fate would have it, my phone had gone out of service last night and I was going to call Verizon to fix it this morning. My cell was working only in spots because of the great strain on the system. At Jim's we found Jim, Dan O'Connell, Colleen Dempsey (Doreen, Jim's wife, works uptown and ,I'm sure, is safe) and Chris Doyle, Jim's partner. Because a lot of you know a lot of these people, here are the names of people who I know are safe beside those above (a lot of phones are down but my internet cable connection is working, at least for now): Dennis Gustafson, Rose Mosca, Peter Wessel, John Feniello, Sandy Nalewajk, Kirk Raslowsky and Jennifer Raslowsky and their young daughter Alexandra (who they were just about to drop off in day care at the WTC when the first plane hit; they made it our office in tears, clothes askew, Kirk had just thrown down his briefcase, grabbed his wife and daughter, and ran) John Iannotti, Ray DeCarlo, Greg Flood, Mike
Mitrovic, Kris Moor, John Doyle, Susan Eagan, Gail Mazarolle, Dawn Paolino.

If you know any of their families and don't know if they've been contacted, please call them if your phone works.

Many more are safe, I'm sure, it was just hard to get a gauge with all the smoke and pandemonium. There are now six of us in my apartment watching CNN.

I stopped and picked up more bottled water on the way here because people were saying there are rumors of chemical warfare and possible contamination in the water (probably not true but why take a chance.) Things seem to be calming down a bit now (I've been taking a break between typing to let others send e-mails) but I'm sure our lives will never be the same. The tranquility of life in America has been shattered, we have been dragged into the trenches with the rest of the world. Our soil is no longer sacred, protected ground. Anyway, the people who I've mentioned are all safe, as am I. God bless America and God bless us all.
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My friend Dennis and I met twenty five years ago, when we were both in college. He came to live for a summer with the Campaniles, close family friends of ours who live down the block from my childhood home at the Jersey Shore. A Virginia native, Dennis was interning for the summer with Kidder, Peabody on Wall Street. He is now Father Dennis, a Catholic priest in the New York Archdiocese. One of Father Dennis’s good friends, Father George, was an auxiliary chaplain with the New York City Fire Department in September of 2001. He was summoned to the World Trade Center shortly after the first plane hit on the morning of September 11th. That day, I was told, marked the first time in the history of the New York City Fire Department that all 30 auxiliary chaplains were summoned to a single fire. They gathered at St. Peter’s Church on Barclay Street, about two blocks north of the burning towers.

Father George said that virtually every fire truck racing to the World Trade Center stopped at St. Peter’s so that the crews could confess their sins (the majority of NYC firefighters are Roman Catholic) before charging into the flaming buildings. The commanders admonished their subordinates to skip confession because of the magnitude and urgency of the situation, but the rank-and-file firefighters paid no heed. These men forced almost every truck to stop at the St. Peter’s on what would be the final fire call for most of them. Father George sensed that these brave men did not necessarily foresee the Twin Towers collapsing, but they knew that they would very likely lose their lives saving others and they wanted to square up with God first. So many firefighters stopped for this final holy sacrament – despite the unprecedented importance of their mission – that the priests had to absolve them of their sins en masse as they jumped off the trucks. There was no time for individual confessions. These courageous public servants knew that they were going to die, and yet they pressed onward to discharge their duties. In the face of the fiercest fires anyone had ever seen, they had no thoughts of their own safety, only of saving others. Ironically, St. Peter is believed to usher the deceased through the Gates of Heaven. Perhaps on September 11, 2001 his work began for 343 firefighters at a church bearing his name.

I have not seen the story above – every word of which I believe true – anywhere in the media. Despite that, I think it’s an important account to record. The same holds true for most of the other entries in this chapter, collected during that fateful day and in the year that limped along behind it. In most cases I have not changed the temporal references so that it’s clear these were the thoughts of someone writing just a year after September 11, 2001. Every New Yorker, and every American, has vivid recollections of personal experiences connected to those attacks on our nation. As we all know, it was not merely a New York tragedy or a Washington, DC tragedy or a Pennsylvania tragedy; it was an American tragedy which left no citizen untouched. This chapter is one New Yorker’s attempt at documenting some of the events of that horrific day and its aftermath in the following year.

The Call

My friend John works at Marsh’s world headquarters in midtown at Sixth Avenue and 45th Street. On the morning of September 11th he and his colleagues heard the reports of a plane crash and looked out their midtown windows to see the flames and smoke consuming the WTC North Tower that housed additional Marsh offices. Frantic calls to coworkers in the World Trade Center went unanswered.

By early afternoon Marsh management decided to survey their World Trade Center employees’ families to determine who was accounted for and who wasn’t. They asked for volunteers to call employees’ homes to see if they had checked in with their families. John, wanting to help out in some way, volunteered. He was given a list of names and phone numbers. He called the first few numbers and got only answering machines. Then a woman finally answered at one residence. “Hi, this is John, I work for Marsh,” he began, “I’m calling to see if your husband has contacted you to say he’s OK.”

The woman who answered the phone began crying. “I thought you were him,” she said through her tears. She hadn’t yet heard from her husband. John gave the woman two Marsh hotline numbers. His stomach twisted into a knot as he hung up the phone. John dialed another couple of numbers but then turned in his list, unable to make any more calls.

Michael Cahill

Mike was the one I knew the best out of the three Marsh FINPRO victims whose memorials I attended. When I worked at Marsh for two years in the mid-1990s I had called Mike often for his advice on fidelity insurance matters (about which I knew nothing and he was an expert.) When I returned to working for AIG, I dealt with Mike from the other side of the table. The universal opinion on Mike was that he was a great guy who was always willing to help out and had as much integrity as anyone in the business. He was the kind of guy who you knew would be an exemplary brother or teammate; Mike was always there for you when you needed him.

Mike’s memorial service was held at St. Aidan’s Church in East Williston, New York (Long Island) on a morning in early October of 2001. The place was already jammed 20 minutes before the start. In retrospect I recall a rainy and gloomy day but I’m not sure if my memory is accurate or simply clouded by the general nature of the proceedings. Like hundreds of others in the packed church, I filed in quietly and found a seat. What transpired over the next hour I won’t recount in detail, although I can tell you that the first three to speak at the ceremony (Mike’s parish priest, his brother and his boss at Marsh, Tom Vietor) all rose to the occasion and did an admirable job under staggeringly sad conditions. The last eulogist however, Mike’s wife Colleen, left to rear their two beautiful young children herself, took it to another level. She spoke with unparalleled eloquence, passion and composure.

I don’t think I’ll ever truly understand from where Colleen drew her strength (the inspiring memories of Mike, no doubt, had much to do with it), but I have never witnessed such a display of courage and composure in the face of a tragedy of this magnitude.

Her eulogy was funny, endearing and engaging. It was simultaneously heartwarming and heartbreaking. It captured the essence of Mike perfectly, at least as I knew him, which only magnified our sense of loss. She recounted, among other things, that the story of who-pursued-who in the relationship differed depending upon whose version you heard, Mike’s or Colleen’s. They had met as summer-share housemates in the Hamptons. According to Mike’s version, Colleen sat by the pool reading a paperback with eyeholes cut right through the book so that she could follow his every move.

Colleen’s eyes, amazingly, remained dry throughout the eulogy. Both her words and their deliverance were truly inspirational. The final piece to Colleen’s tribute was an REM song, one of Mike’s favorites. St. Aidan’s graciously allowed the family to play the recording over the church’s loudspeakers as the memorial concluded and people filed out even though, strictly speaking, it was against church policy. I don’t recall the title, but it was about a guy who, smitten with a woman, calls to ask her out but gets her answering machine. It mirrored in a way Mike’s own courting of Colleen. As the song played my eyes were drawn to the couple’s innocent children fidgeting in the front pew of the church. It was a sledgehammer of sadness and it found its mark in most of us. As Colleen walked up the center aisle to exit, the previously-muted sobs of the crowd began to rise in unison, unabated. All but those few souls who had already cried themselves out were in tears as the church emptied.
________________________________________________________________

For information on the National September 11 Memorial & Museum, please go to http://www.national911memorial.org/.

FBP & M

2011-09-02T23:52:00.000-04:00

LG realizes that he hasn't been posting very frequently lately; his apologies to those who feel cheated. To those who don't, LG apologizes for not making The LG Report entertaining enough to make you feel cheated. Of course, now LG feels cheated.

LG thinks the infrequency of posting is due to a combination of late summer doldrums and a lot of other things monopolizing his time right now, including planning a delayed honeymoon to Greece. LG will try to post photos during the trip, although he can't guarantee that he'll be able to access the internet easily from the Greek Islands. If he can, the posts will sort of be like National Geographic for juvenile wiseasses. If you're a regular reader, you enjoy that kind of stuff, admit it.

We have a few orders of business today.

First, the title of today's post, FBP & M stands for the boring-and-bland "Facebook Posts and Miscellany." That was too much of a yawner to just type outright so LG sexed it up a bit with the acronym. Acronyms are hip these days. Does LG have you LOL'ing with him here? NFW you say? We understand.

Second, LG would like to thank Eva of Wrestling With Retirement, one of our favorite bloggers, for bestowing upon LG a great honor recently. LG won a ~~Wet Speedo Contest~~ Caption Contest sponsored by Eva and he received as his prize this cool mug:

As you can see, it may appear to be a coffee mug but, in truth, it's a wine mug. Thanks again Eva!

Third, LG is going to leave you with some highlights from his Facebook posts during the latter half of August 2011. These are some of his personal favorites. Those of you who are Facebook friends with LG (i.e. not actual friends who he'd hang with in person...) can stop reading here and head out to the playground for recess.

The rest of you are invited to feast your funny bone (we know that doesn't make sense, but that's never stopped us before) on these gems:

Somebody forgot about this.

I just saw a bumper sticker that said "War is not the answer." But what if the question is "What's the name of a very fun children's card game?" I'll bet those genius bumper sticker makers didn't think of that.

I am so eco-conscious that I took down all the "Please Recycle" signs and recycled them. Try to beat that.

Inescapable Rule of Life #236: The later you are for an appointment, the further away the only open parking space.

Did he just Shat?

I wonder if William Shatner got pissed off when people started using the word "shat," as in "I almost shat myself when I won the lottery." It would really piss him off, I'm sure, if people capitalized the word. Maybe I'm putting too much thought into this.

Utility deregulation has really gone too far. Now in most states when you get sent to the electric chair you get to choose your electric power provider. Except in California, where you get sent to the solar-powered chair.

I was in a local diner this morning after Hurricane Irene had passed and the guy next to me was complaining that he had no power. "Do you live in that area where all the trees are down?" I asked. He said "No, I'm Vice President Joe Biden."

Mrs. LG says that I've spent far too much time on the computer today. I told her to e-mail me if she has something to say.

Good news, I just read that the Angry Birds have gone into therapy and are now the Well-Adjusted Birds.

Don't blame this man for the Edmond Fitzgerald wreck, he has a light foot.

Thought: If I were a famous singer and I got pulled over by a cop for speeding and he asked for my license, who would I'd want to be? Answer: Gordon Lightfoot. How could he give me a ticket then? Please, don't everyone rush to "Like" this comment all at once. Luckily, there is no "Groan" button.

My TV show was just interrupted with a tornado warning for our county. How bogus, very little chance of a torn

My wife is very concerned about the impending hurricane. Mostly she dreads the thought of power and water getting knocked out and her having to live with an un-showered me for 4 or 5 days. She's panicking!

I'm very concerned about post-hurricane looting. Concerned that I may not get to do my fair share of it with trees blocking the roads. Just kidding, Facebook-monitoring police officers!

First we had an earthquake here in the Northeast and I felt like I was in California. Now a hurricane is coming and I feel like I'm in Florida. Two vacations in a week without leaving town! But tomorrow back to reality: I'll remind myself that I'm in the Northeast by driving somewhere and having a fellow motorist give me the middle finger. Welcome home!

Chew On This

2011-08-27T18:44:00.000-04:00

Mrs. LG, as we'll call her, since use of her real name may result in LG's loss of the use of his right arm, was not so happy with LG's recent comparison of her with Lucille Ball.

Mrs. LG meets LG for the first time.

LG considers that comparison to be a compliment. After all, Lucy was an international film and TV star; who wouldn't enjoy such a comparison?

Well, Mrs. LG didn't, apparently.

LG asks those who agree with him to weigh in with a comment. Those who disagree should just sit on their hands.

Here's another way that LG feels that Mrs. LG resembles Lucy: Shortly after Mrs. LG gave birth to her first child 19 years ago, she gave up chewing gum. She said it was too strenuous given all of her mothering responsibilities. It wasn't until recently, after her youngest child turned 14, that she resumed chewing gum.

So, according to Mrs. LG's way of thinking, we're to believe that chewing gum is a physically exhausting endeavor.

Really? Seriously?

Mrs. LG says that other mothers out there will understand, and relate to, her position.

LG doesn't buy it.

But, just to indulge Mrs. LG for a moment, let's have a glimpse into her world of gum chewing:

__________________________________________________

John: "Kathy, would you like to join the new gym that just opened up down the street with me? I hear that they have state-of-the-art equipment!"

Kathy: "No thanks John, I just bought a ten-pack of Juicy Fruit at Costco. I'm going to work out with that for a few months."

____________________________________________________

Warming up for the big gum chew.

Drill Sergeant: "SO YOU WANT TO BE A NAVY SEAL SON? WELL THIS OUTFIT ISN'T FOR WIMPS! SHOW ME WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF BY CHEWING THIS PACK OF BUBBLE YUM IN UNDER FIVE MINUTES OUR YOU'RE OUTTA HERE!"

___________________________________________________________

ESPN Announcer: "It's hard to believe that Lance Armstrong is back for a try at his 8th Tour De France victory at his age. But he says that he's been chewing Double Bubble regularly and is in the best shape of his life."

___________________________________________________________

You get the point by now. Chewing gum as exercise. Not really believable in LG's world.

LG suspects that once Mrs. LG sees this post, his head may have an unexpected meeting with the business end of a rolling pin. Luckily he's been chewing a lot of gum lately and his head is in pretty good shape...

Our Grossest Video Ever!

2011-08-21T20:23:00.000-04:00

LG can be immature, silly, gross and disgusting at times, like most adult males (and young, non-adult males, but let's be honest: Is there really a difference between the two classifications?)

But before we get there, LG would like to tell a quick story about his bride (this is for those not inclined to watch the video linked below after reading all of the disclaimers.)

LG's bride is the absolute best ever. She's awesome. Great in every way, including the entertainment category. It's sort of like living with the lead character in "I Love Lucy." And LG is not just saying this so that she won't slam him in the head with a frying pan for telling this story.

Last year, before LG married her, he was on the phone with his Bride while she was vacuuming. In mid-sentence she said "Oh shoot, the vacuum cleaner just died on me. This sucks because I just got it back from the repair shop and it's broken again. I'm so annoyed...."

A couple of days later, here's how the conversation went:

LG: So what happened with the vacuum cleaner, will it be expensive to fix?

LG's Bride: Ah, no, it just came unplugged from the wall.

True story.

If you have a weak stomach or become easily disgusted/grossed out, you may want to stop reading here. We'll see you next time. Thanks for stopping by. Please pull the door behind you on the way out. The cashier will validate your parking.
_______________________________________

OK, now for the rest of you cool folks... The LG Report's ongoing series of Stupid Things People Will Do For $5 continues today with Henry, who's making an encore appearance. Some of you may remember Henry from his first appearance on The LG Report with THIS VIDEO.

Well he's back again, this time in an all-new, grossest of the gross video clip. WARNING: Do not click on this link if you have a queasy stomach, are nursing, operating heavy equipment or don't like toilet humor. The other 99% of our readers can continue by Clicking Here!

Thanks, as always, for stopping by folks!

PS We apologize to all whom we may have offended. And please be assured that no real human feces were harmed in the making of that video.

Facebook Posts Strike Again!

2011-08-16T22:27:00.001-04:00

LG continues to post infrequently during the summer, as you may have noticed. He also hasn't been able to read others' blogs as frequently as he'd like, although he's trying. We do have an interview coming up soon, however, with Bouncin' Barb of This & That (click there to be transported). It promises to be a doozie, especially since she's consulting with her good friend Sandra of Absolutely Narcissism.

And at some point in the not-too-distant future, we'll have an interview with Carol of Facing Fifty with Humour, focusing on her hot new book Mini Skirts and Laughter Lines. But until all of this happens, we'll just hit you with some of LG's recent Facebook postings, which he enjoys (even if nobody else does.)

[Note: LG is not an avid Facebooker, although he does dabble in the medium. If you'd like to be friends with LG on Facebook so that you can read these cutting-edge postings when they first come out, e-mail him by clicking HERE and include your Facebook name. He'll friend you because he's not very discerning...]

Here now, are some of LG's recent posts:

Anthropologists in Brazil just discovered an ancient tribe of 300 people deep in the rain forest. These people had no previous contact with civilization. They had no running water, no electricity and only 2 Starbucks.

These Starbucks have bigger straws than we're used to.

Those hoarder shows fascinate me. I just bought a DVD set of a season of "Hoarders." Actually, I bought 655 DVD box sets, every room of my house is full of them, stacked to the ceiling right along with all those books, clothes and newspapers. Those nutty hoarder people really have mental issues. Glad I'm not like them.

New tourism motto: "Aruba: Where your troubles (and your traveling companions) disappear."

Being an interesting person = Good. Being a "Person of Interest" = Not So Good.

The US Postal service trying to layoff 120,000 workers. But they're going to mail out the layoff notices, so they only expect 90,000 people to receive them.

The U.S. Postal Service is a bit behind the times; this stamp was part of the "New Cars" Series last year.

Pennsylvania, like most states, is really getting desperate for tourist dollars. They just changed the state motto from "You've got a friend in Pennsylvania" to "You've got a friend with benefits in Pennsylvania."

U.S. troop pull-out in Afghanistan is expected to proceed according to plan. In unrelated news, U.S. Air Force drone planes mistakenly bombed Standard & Poor's headquarters.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average and the average American family's combined IQ had something in common on this day of "The Jersey Shore's" premiere episode in Italy: Both plunged more than 500 points.

I see a ratings agency affirmed America's AAA rating but with negative implications. One day they love you, the next they hate you. Man, those ratings people are Moody.

Our Congress is ridiculous. That bunch of procrastinators puts everything off until the last minute. Who do they think they are, me? PS I meant to post this last week but got sidetracked.

Copying what's successful in TV has always been in vogue but is going too far. "Mad Men" has been such a hit for AMC that they're now rolling out "Slightly Perturbed Men."

A family of sporks.

The manager of my local KFC was held up last night. As he left the store with a bag of cash, a robber held out a gun and said "I know you have a lot of money in there, spork it over!"

Me, answering the door.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning. Can you believe how rude that was? Luckily, I was still up playing my drums.

PS We here at The LG Report (all one of us), would like to wish a happy first anniversary of blogging to The Simple Dude, author of an excellent blog which you can access by clicking HERE. It's also listed in the right hand column over there...We wish you many more happy years of blogging!

This Ain't Right...

2011-08-11T23:53:00.000-04:00

... And LG knows it ain't right. But that doesn't mean he ain't gonna post it on The LG Report nonetheless.

LG and the family were on a mini-vacation earlier this week. As anyone would normally do on a family vacation, LG wandered into a store that sold magic tricks and gag items while the girls were in a clothing store.

LG found this really neat fake human turd (an "FHT" in collectors' lingo), one of the key items missing from his gag gift collection. Sure, plastic and rubber dog turds are easy to come by, but a good FHT is a collector's item of considerable value.

Here's a picture of a FHT, although not the actual model that LG bought. This is just for your academic interest as a potential collector of fake human turds (hey, a person has to get turned on to a new hobby somehow, this could be your epiphany!):

So LG buys this FHT and surreptitiously smuggles it back into the hotel room at the bottom of a bag of innocuous souvenir t-shirts.

LG was prepared with this camouflage maneuver in case Mrs. LG conducted a TSA-like search of the shopping bags. She never does this, but LG wanted to be ready nonetheless. FHT smugglers can never be too prepared. It's one of our admirable traits.

Like any connoisseur of a good practical joke, LG did not rush into things. He waited until the next day to deploy the FHT.

An old saying tells us that "Revenge is a dish best served cold." FHT, like revenge, is best served cold. That's especially true because if you serve FHT hot, there's a chance that it may actually be RHT (with the "R," obviously, standing for "Real." We know: Eeeew!)

For the benefit of the loyal readers of The LG Report (and we apologize again for the infrequent postings as of late, but things have been busy around here...), LG went to the trouble of videotaping his lovely bride's encounter with the FHT.

Here now, for your viewing pleasure, is the link to the world-premiere of that clip.

Please keep in mind that the brown substance that you are about to see floating in the toilet is indeed a piece of FHT, but if you should have a squeamish disposition, you may choose to forego clicking on this link, thereby passing on your chance to watch the most excellent Sure-To-Be-Nominated-For-An-Oscar short video which awaits you on the other end.

If you do watch, we hope you enjoy it. We look forward to seeing you back here again soon. We promise not to be as gross next time (it would be hard to top this one...although if anyone can do it, we think it would be us!)

PS LG received his lovely bride's permission to post this video but once she actually sees it up here she may demand its removal so don't delay if you're thinking of watching it...

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE FHT VIDEO!

People Of Walmart Part 3

2011-08-03T22:05:00.001-04:00

LG hasn't had much time to post lately, as you may have noticed, due to a number of issues too boring to recount here. However, he feels it's time to get a new post up, so he's going with an old favorite, People of Walmart.

We have some interesting interviews coming up (interviewees: please be patient with LG, he'll get the questions out to you eventually...) and some other inane features, but for now, let's just sit back in the warmth of the summer and enjoy some photos of our fellow man (and other creatures) as they shop at Walmart.

Thanks to the good people at the website People of Walmart for these candid shots:

We start out with this ridiculous photo. Who would wear a "PSC4 - CREW" t-shirt with those shorts? Gotta admire the team spirit of that Minnesota Vikings fan on the right however. We bet he can't wait for Brett Favre to un-retire again!

This topless woman suffers from a rare condition wherein her head is permanently turned at a 180-degree angle from its normal position. Oh, wait, is that the case or does she just have massive back boobs? We're not sure. In any event, The Missing Link must've heard that she was in the store because he's pictured on the right, heading in to see her.

Obviously, she's just checking to see where her work product is ending up. It's amazing as to how perfectly those shoes fit over her hooves. She'd better get out of there before some mischievous Walmart shopper tips her over.

Is that woman really wearing that garish fluorescent green shirt with dark jeans? She has to be kidding us. Her dog is cute though. Looks like one of those new breeds, a Cock-a-people.

It's difficult to choose the grossest aspect of this photo. Although this woman is doing a good job of picking for us.

That butt crack is so deep it looks like this man was sawed in half vertically by David Blaine. We wonder if he's trying to shoplift stuff in there. Who wants to volunteer to check? By the way, what sicko blocks out the cashier's face but leaves the butt crack exposed?

At least some people have the decency and sophistication to wear black-tie attire to Walmart. And everything appears to be a perfect fit.

Well, that's it folk for this edition of The People of Walmart. There were actually some photos on the website that were too gross even for The LG Report, but you can check them out for yourself over at The People of Walmart.

We hope to see you back here again soon.

Female Like Me

2011-07-28T10:25:00.000-04:00

Many of The LG Report's readers are literary minded (not you of course, but the others.) These people will remember the book "Black Like Me," an account written in 1961 of a white male who doctored himself up to look like an African American and then wrote about how he was treated as a black man in America at that time.

Well, LG, being a forward-thinking person who is not afraid to rip-off 50-year old ideas, has written this post about his one day as a female.

Yes indeed, LG, virile male stud that he is (in his own mind), pretended to be a woman (again, in his own mind) for a day and has written this account of said 24 hours.

Female readers: Please don't be offended and un-follow The LG Report after reading the rest of this post. But if you have to choose one or the other, be offended but don't un-follow The LG Report. LG loves women (his wife and sister are women, as a matter of fact) and would never intentionally offend them (if it meant losing followers.) And, of course, feel free to leave comments if you disagree with any of this....

___________

7 a.m. - Husband gets up for work. I pretend to be asleep until he leaves, then I promptly turn on the "Today Show" to see if any good make-over segments are on. None, so I go back to sleep for a while. How long? I don't know, what are you, the Sleep Police? Back off.

8:45 a.m. - I take my customary long bubble bath whilst reading "People Magazine" to catch up on the latest personal happenings of people who I don't know and will never know, but nonetheless feel like I should be kept up on their latest personal happenings. I hate Brad Pitt for dumping poor Jennifer Anniston. Angelina is such a bitch, I'll slap her if I ever meet her. I'd also kick her in her balls, since I'm sure she has a set.

9:10 a.m. - Muffy calls to invite me to lunch. I pretend like I might have something else to do while I keep her on hold for 90 seconds (I count each second out loud to make sure that I don't appear overly eager or available) before I tell her that I'd be glad to meet the girls at noon for salad.

10:03 a.m. - Teresa, my domestic ("maid" is such a dirty, non-PC word) shows up to clean my house. As per usual, I've totally cleaned the entire house myself the night before so that she doesn't think we're pigs.

11:36 a.m. - I put on my best pair of short shorts and a halter top with sufficient cleavage and stuff my new cute little pocketbook with all the essentials (Girls: you know what they are, we can't let the men know) before heading out to lunch.

Gotta look good if I'm pulled over for applying make-up.

11:43 a.m. - While driving on a busy highway, I put on my mascara, lipstick, eye shadow and curl my hair. I also iron my blouse while wearing it (thank God for the car-lighter-plug-in-iron!) and spit shine my shoes. Three cars swerve into telephone poles while trying to avoid me but that's not my problem, I look good now.

12:00 noon - I stop at McDonald's to consume a #7 Meal (Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese) before lunch so that I don't feel hungry while eating a skimpy-little-not-fit-for-humans cottage cheese salad in front of my bitches...err, I mean friends.

12:15 p.m. - I'm stuck between Carol and Mindy, listening to them complain about their good-for-nothing bastard husbands. When the check comes, we divvy it up fairly, with me paying an extra 37 cents because I had a side of onion with cottage cheese salad. That bitch Mindy gets off paying $1.23 less than me because she ordered the house dressing instead of the blue cheese, which she ordinarily chugs like it was water. What a fat pig. Her ass has its own zip code. But you didn't hear that from me. And Carol gets stuck paying an extra 95 cents for the bacon in her salad. I love it!

The party starts here.

1:55 p.m. - Before I leave the restaurant, I need to use the Ladies. I discreetly call my friends Cindy, Lisa, Wendy, Bridgette and Jen, knowing that I can't go to the Ladies by myself. They all show up and we enter the restroom together, where we sit on the couch and catch up on our kids' soccer team results and our personal sexual fantasies for a half hour before I actually go into the stall. Men don't realize, but each women's room in America is social gathering place more than a shit-atorium. I've never seen a man call his friends to meet him in the restroom. Men are such Neanderthals.

2:03 p.m. - I return home, disappointed to find that the pool boy is not there yet to clean my pipes. I mean, "our pool." No point in undressing in front of the picture window if he's not around. I change my pocketbook to my grocery store version (big pockets for coupons, most of which are expired) and head out to buy our weekly staples.

I always forget that you have to pay when you get to the front.

3:30 p.m. - I'm at the local grocery store in my tight warm-up suit, hoping that the hot produce clerk will notice me. I checked the mirror before I left home: No panty lines. But the produce clerk is missing in action. He must be hanging out with the pool boy. I gather $332.43 worth of groceries into my cart. When I finally, get up to the cashier, I casually start to look for my checkbook, as if I didn't realize all along that money would be expected of me. No rush in my mind. But my checkbook is nowhere to be found. I must've left it in my other pocketbook, the one I used at lunch. I apologize to the cashier and agree to put back all the items in my cart where they belong. I put back the first two items back in their respective places and then leave the cart in Aisle 7. Still no sign of the produce clerk.

4:05 p.m. - I arrive home and start watching my DVR'd television shows, all designed to enrich my life. After viewing every episode of the "Real Housewives of New York, Atlanta, New Jersey and Orange County" I finally resort to checking out "The Real Housewives of Ames, Iowa." Hey, it's better than you think. Still no pool boy. Bastard.

I forgot to mention that we don't have a pool.

5:30 p.m. - Husband gets home and I inform him that I was too busy today to cook dinner. We order in Chinese. My fortune cookie tells me that I have "Earned a restful period and should take it easy." Husband's fortune cookie said something, but I didn't listen, all I know is that he finished it with "...in bed" and I ignored him since I only sleep in bed with him these days. I wonder if the pool boy is still on his way?

Happy Birthday To Carol!

2011-07-26T20:34:00.000-04:00

The LG Report is extremely honoured today (that's an intentional high-class British spelling, thank you very much governor) to be the first guest blogger ever over at Facing 50 With Humour , the very, very entertaining blog of our good friend Carol.

To compound this honour (again, high-class British spelling, not a typo, mate), today is Carol's birthday. LG doesn't believe Carol when she says that she's 50 because she looks -- and certainly writes/acts -- much younger. She's a very funny, insightful and talented blogger who recently had her first book published. LG is going to read said book, "Mini Skirts and Laughter Lines" and will be posting an interview with Carol soon thereafter. Hard copies will be available in bookstores shortly, but it's available as an e-book right now. Please click on the book's title above to see a YouTube video trailer about the book and to learn how to order it.

Click HERE and you'll be transported to LG's guest post on Carol's site.

Be forewarned, however: If you're a Brit, or an Anglophile, you may be slightly offended. For example, if you abhor the stereotype of British people with bad teeth, you won't want to check out the guest post.

The effects of the WWII toothpaste shortage still show up in England. And this guy is a dentist

Or if you dislike people making fun of Heather Mills, David Beckham, William Shakespeare or other trendy British celebs, you might not like the post. Other than that, feel free to check it out. And take a look at some of Carol's other posts, you may very well want to follow her blog if you don't already.

Thanks for stopping by, as always. LG's next post will be pretty funny, to him anyway (and that's all he really cares about) but it may offend our female readers a bit. But that's OK, only about 95% of our readers are women. Ah, you'll like it, if you're reading this far down, you have a healthy sense of humour (still with the British spelling, in honour of Carol's birthday.)

We also have an interview with Bouncin' Barb coming up soon, as soon as LG gets around to formulating the questions.

And please check out Carol's book, LG is sure it's awesome.

See you back here again soon. Thanks for stopping by.

One Stinkin' Paragraph...

2011-07-22T01:02:00.002-04:00

That's all that LG is adding to the end of these actual news stories that appeared today.

LG has been slow with new posts lately, he knows that, but many things have been diverting him. Please understand.

LG came up with a new idea today: He takes a few paragraphs from an actual news story and then adds his own paragraph at the end to finish it up. All of these stories appeared on the very popluar Huffington Post, which is now owned by, and available through, AOL.

Here we go with the inaugural offering:

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Just Seven Atlanta Educators Resign Amid Cheating Scandal

Just seven educators implicated in the Atlanta cheating scandal met the Wednesday evening deadline imposed by interim superintendent Erroll Davis to resign before the district commences termination proceedings.

Davis sent a letter to the implicated educators last Friday, saying that they had until Wednesday to leave their posts, or get fired.

The announcement was made in light of a report that surfaced this month that teachers in at least 44 of the district's 56 schools had participated in various forms of cheating, including erasing and correcting wrong answers on students' answer sheets for mandated standardized test to meet goals for adequate yearly progress reports.

A group of the cheating bastard teachers who did not resign released this statement to the press earlier today: "We no that we didn't do nothing wrongg and we refuze to resign under pressure from the administrashion. We have dedikated our lives to academik excellence and won't be bullied into quitting any time soon, the stewdents need us."
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Greece: European Leaders Set To Give Financial Rescue Fund New Powers

BRUSSELS (Luke Baker) - Euro zone leaders were set to give their financial rescue fund sweeping new powers to prevent contagion and help Greece overcome its debt crisis, according to the draft conclusions of an emergency summit on Thursday.

The leaders met in Brussels after the European Central Bank signaled in a policy reversal that it was willing to let Greece default temporarily as part of a plan involving longer official loans at cheaper rates, a debt swap, a bond buyback but no new tax on banks.

However, as part of the new deal, Greek diners can no longer insist that all baking be done on the premises (thereby spreading the baking revenue around Europe) and they must relax their traditonal - but harsh - policy of "No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service" for members of the European Union. Steaks, chops and seafood will still be available throughout Greece.

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Michele & Marcus Bachmann's Clinic Targeted In Glitter Prank

A group of gay rights activists targeted a Minnesota clinic owned by Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann and her husband Marcus in a prank involving glitter on Thursday.

The situation that unfolded at Bachmann & Associates Inc. comes in the wake of reports on controversial therapy methods allegedly practiced at the center. The Nation recently reported that the clinic offers reparative therapy, which the publication explains treats being gay as a curable disorder.

Local police subdued the glitter-wielding mob by unleashing whipped cream pies on them. These pies were of the same variety as was thrown at media mogul Rupert Murdoch in London recently. "We fight fire with fire," explained local police captain Seymour Butts.
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That's it folks, all we have for today. We hope you got at least a little chuckle out of it somewhere....hope to see you back here again soon!

LG Lands A Guest Gig and Posts Some Facebook Updates

2011-07-17T23:20:00.000-04:00

Kidz,

LG has two main points to make today. Usually he has none, but that doesn't stop him from posting. So this is a bonus.

First, LG has been blogging for about 18 months and not until recently has he been asked to be a guest blogger by anyone. This is a great honor, it's like turning over the keys to your new Lamborghini to another driver. Nobody takes this lightly.

And, to make it even more special, this honor was bestowed upon LG by one of his absolutely favorite fellow bloggers, Kelley of Kelley's Break Room, a very funny, entertaining and creative blog which can be seen by clicking HERE!

LG's guest post will be up until sometime on Monday morning (July 18th) so please check it out when you get a chance. He thinks it's pretty funny and, as we all know, that's all that matters to LG (what an egotistical bastard he is. We wouldn't even continue to talk about him if we weren't actually him.) And please check out some of Kelley's other posts and consider becoming a follower of her blog if you aren't already. Don't cost nuttin' and you might get a free Coke if you're nice. Laughs guaranteed.

Second, LG has a really funny blog post idea for The LG Report, but he hasn't written it yet. Which reminds LG of a brain teaser: Five frogs are sitting on a log and four decide to jump off. How many are left? Answer: Five, because deciding is not doing. Good life lesson. You gotta actually do it to get something done.

So LG has decided to write this really funny post but hasn't done it yet. It's coming soon though, hang in there.

In the meantime, here are some highlights from his recent Facebook status updates:

News reports are saying now that former Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak is out of his coma. According to a hospital spokesman, "He's up and about and walking like an Egyptian."

More details emerging from the Bin Laden mission. Apparently the Navy Seals pretended to be from Publisher's Clearinghouse. They had an oversized check and a cardboard cut-out of Ed McMahon. Bin Laden reportedly said "I never thought I'd win, finally I get my shot!"

I really should update my Facebook profile photo but every time I post a recent picture of myself George Clooney's people threaten to sue.

Technically, atheists believe in no deities. So do they say "Thank no deities it's Friday!?" Or, "Let's go down to TNDIF's after work for a beer and burger." Confusing

‎"If I knew Facebook was going to be invented, I would've written more profound quotes." - Socrates

Everyone in L.A. is worried about this weekend's closure of the 405 Freeway, the so-called "Carmageddon." Here in PA we're expecting gridlock of Pennsylvania Dutch buggies. It's "Farmageddon!!"

Question: How does Facebook know what I consider to be "Top News" vs "Recent News?" I always consider posts mentioning KFC and Slurpees to be "Top News" but Facebook doesn't pick up on that. Zuckerberg is a fraud, no wonder he always hides behind hoodies.

Today is 7-11 and 7-11 stores are giving away free Slurpees. So I went to my local 7-11 and got a Slurped, then drove to Atlantic City and went up to the Harrah's craps table and laid down $1,000 on rolling a 7 or 11 but, unfortunately, I crapped out and lost all my money. Turns out that Ex-Lax was also founded on this day.

I'm always amazed by people who are shocked that their pets mysteriously gained weight. What do they think, that Fido gets up in the middle of the night to make himself a ham sandwich? You people are feeding them!!

I didn't think it would ever happen but I now have a new hated radio commercial more than 1-800-CARS-4-KIDS. It's the avalanche of ads asking "Struggling with $10,000 or more of credit card debt? Need a bailout?..." Yeah, I need a bailout from listening to your stinkin' commercials.

Again, please check out Kelley's Break Room (by clicking HERE ) when you get a chance, you won't regret it. And throw her a follow, the karma will come back to you tenfold.

That's it for today folks, we hope to see you back here at The LG Report again soon. That funny post is coming...

Cool Down with a Look Back at Snowpocalypse 2010!

2011-07-09T12:15:00.004-04:00

EDITOR'S NOTE: Since the dog days of summer are here, we decided to cool things off a bit with a look back at the "Snowpocalypse" that hit New Jersey and much of the Northeast last winter. In the re-post from December 2010 you'll encounter a link to the Funniest Video Ever Posted on The LG Report. Enjoy and stay cool!

___________________________________________________

It's Day Two of the Snowpocalypse at the Jersey Shore and LG is snowed in big time. See that SUV below with the partially exposed back window? LG's car is directly behind it, under that large mound of snow. Looking on the bright side, LG doesn't think his car will get stolen any time soon. He also doesn't need to waste money on one of those folding sun shields that people put in their front windows to keep the car cool. Awesome!

LG's sister, MIG, has had LG out shoveling quite a bit since yesterday. MIG has been affectionately nicknamed "MIG The Slave Driver" by LG. [That felt good to write, but it will probably cost LG five lashes across the back later, and he'll be sent to bed with no biscuit or water for dinner.]

Earlier today, MIG was standing under this humongous snow overhang, barking out orders at LG. The overhang appeared to be clinging oh-so-tentatively to the roof:

LG, in a move subconsciously inspired by an old Roadrunner cartoon, broke into a full-throated yodel in the hopes of bringing an avalanche crashing onto MIG. Alas, no luck. The good guy doesn't always win.

Now, to the meat of this post. But first, please rest assured that we are not trying to become the blogosphere's pre-eminent Doggie Door enthusiasts, this is just coincidental...

Some of you will recall that a couple of weeks ago, The LG Report featured a picture of LG's friend Dannie crawling through a doggie door. Dannie did this to win $5 from LG on a dare. Here's what it looked like:

Fast forward to today.

Those of you acquainted with MIG know that her dogs, Jake and Sophie, rate well above LG on her list of priorities. As MIG says, if the house were on fire, LG could escape on his own, so she'd tend to the dogs first.

Jake and Sophie have their own doggie door to provide direct access to MIG's backyard. There are four steps on the outside the doggie door to make it easier for Jake and Sophie to get into, and out of, the yard. When the steps are snow covered, as they were today, Jake and Sophie refuse to navigate them. They have more rights than LG, as you can see.

The two human gates to the backyard (distinctions between dog and human things need to be made frequently in MIG's house) were both wedged closed by the chest-high snowfall.   The only way into the backyard to clear the precious doggie door steps was via the doggie door itself.

MIG, being the concerned and loving dog mother that she is, thought nothing of crawling through the doggie door to clear the steps for her beloved Jake and Sophie.

LG didn't have his camera handy during her exit, but here's a still photo of MIG's return:

MIG had read The LG Report post with Dannie's picture, and demanded $5 even though it had not been offered.

Being an exemplary brother, LG should have probably offered to help MIG as she struggled to get back through the doggie door. Instead, LG did what you, as an LG Report reader, would have wanted him to do: he ran for his video camera.

Here now, for the first time ever, is a video of MIG squeezing her way through the doggie door. Please forgive the shaky camera work; LG is not a professional cameraman and was laughing too hard to keep the camera steady:

CLICK HERE FOR VIDEO

We hope you enjoyed our recap of Day Two of the Snowpocalypse. LG may be stranded at the Shore for a few days yet. There's still a lot of shoveling to be done before those cars can be moved, although LG may have worn out his welcome with this post.

Hopefully, MIG won't be showing LG the doggie door any time soon....

Mystery Author Visits The LG Report...

2011-07-06T00:22:00.001-04:00

LG is somewhat new to the blogging game, but he has picked up on certain universal characteristics and laws of bloggers. One of the common themes seems to be: "Try to get someone else to write your blog for you if at all possible."

Check. LG is on that bandwagon.

So, for today's post, LG came up with three random, nonsensical sentences and asked a blogging friend of his to write a three-paragraph story, using each one of these three sentences as the opening line of a different paragraph.

Your job, dear reader, is to try to figure out which of the five bloggers listed below wrote this very funny and entertaining story based on her writing style, choice of words, etc.

LG is providing the link to each of these blogs (and all are women in case you're wondering about the use of the feminine pronoun) and the author will reveal on her blog that she wrote this story at LG's request (so you'll have to visit the blogs to get the answer).

Here are your five choices:

1. Pearl of "Pearl, Why You Little..."

2. Kate of "Hotdishing"

3. Sandra of "Absolutely Narcissism"

4. Kelley of "Kelley's Break Room"

5. Eva of "Wrestling With Retirement"

Now here's the story, crafted from the three first lines supplied by LG. If you ask LG, and he knows you will, the author did a terrific job of weaving them into a cohesive piece of writing...
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1. Maggie stood in front of Mr. Toad's Wild Ride at Disneyworld on a sweltering day holding Mickey Mouse in a headlock while her three children looked on in horror. Actually, she stood in front of what she THOUGHT was going to be Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, an original ride when the park opened in 1971, dressed as a green amphibian in a suit & bowtie holding Mickey in a headlock. When she was at the park last in 1982, it was RIGHT THERE! Now, Winnie the Pooh and his "hunny pots" were where Mr. Toad used to be and she was beginning to become hysterical over it all. All she could talk about for MONTHS to her husband, Mick, and her three kids, Maybelline, Marcus and Milton, leading up to this trip was how fun it was going to be to see Mr. Toad again and now he was GONE! She went to great lengths to keep Maybelline from focusing on Cinderella, Marcus from focusing on Goofy and Milton from focusing on Dumbo just so they'd have a place in their hearts for Toadie and now Toadie was basically dead. Just as Maggie had made this horrific discovery, Mickey's big smiling head came bouncing up with his entourage on their way to a parade. "AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" was all that could be heard as Maggie pulled herself away from staring in disbelief at Pooh's orange mug, ran toward that huge, rich rodent and wrestled him to the ground. "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MR. TOAD? WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MR. TOAD?!"she yelled into Mickey's plastic face. He just kept smiling but a gruff, male teenage voice from inside the gigantic plastic head yelled, "THAT STUPID RIDE WAS CLOSED IN 1998, YA FREAK!" She heard Minnie crying along with Mick, Maybelline, Marcus and Milton, and, before she knew it, she was handcuffed sitting in an interrogation room at the front of the park sobbing like an infant in a dirty diaper without a drop of milk.

The Princess with Naveen, the prince frog

2. The police officer had left the window of the interrogation room open while he went to use the men's room, tempting Maggie with the thought of escape. After saying a quick prayer that he had a bad case of diarrhea to buy her more time, she caught a glimpse of herself in a mirror. Her bow tie was a bit cockeyed and her green make-up was smeared. She was ashamed of herself and knew that she had let Toadie AND her family down. Suddenly, she heard flushing and without giving it much thought, leaped out of the window like the amphibian she was deep down inside. After untangling herself from the green bushes and spitting leaves out of her mouth, she looked to the right and then to the left in a crouched, amphibian-like position. "HEY, YOU!! YOU'RE LATE FOR THE PARADE! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE AT THE FRONT WITH THE PRINCESS, BUT YOU MISSED IT! JUST GET IN THIS TRUCK! YOU'LL BE ATTACKED BY KIDS WANTING AUTOGRAPHS IF YOU DON'T!" Before Maggie could say otherwise, Herman, one of the parade help, had hoisted her over his shoulders and then sat her right down in the middle of a white pick-up truck with balloons and streamers covering it's every inch. He was the last truck in the parade. "What??" was all Maggie could utter, but Herman was too busy getting into the cab of the truck to hear a word the green lady dressed as a man said.

3. Maggie was stunned that practically the entire town had turned out for her parade, as she rode down Main Street in the back of a crudely decorated pick-up, smiling and waving to the gathered masses. She couldn't believe she was even IN a parade! From the yells of the crowd, it seemed that a new frog was loved in town and his name was Naveen. NAVEEN?! She tried to yell above the roar of the crowd that she was the Mr. Toad NOT Naveen, but no one heard her. "I'M MR. TOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAD!!! DOESN'T ANYBODY REMEMBER MR. TOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAD?????" They just thought she was really getting into character. In the meantime, the police officer had finished his restroom break and was searching frantically for Maggie. As he ran down Main Street, he saw the green skin, familiar suit and bowtie on the back of the truck, shook his fist in her direction and jolted off toward the white truck. The crowd started folding in behind the truck as the parade came to a close and blocked Mr. Police Man from getting to her. As he got closer and closer, he could see the love in the eyes of all the park goers over Maggie and her frog charade. At that very point, Maggie caught his eyes and the eyes of Mick, Maybelline, Marcus and Milton who had just gathered right behind him, smiled sweetly and waved. Mr. Police Man threw up his hands in surrender and Mick and the rest of the M-crew began cheering and hopping around like frogs to honor their new parade queen. Maggie was then asked to be Naveen in all of the parades. Her family soon moved in to the Cinderella castle and they all lived happily ever after.
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Bravo says LG, very well done!

To find out who wrote this masterpiece, visit the blogs listed above. We hope to see you back here again soon, and, as always, thanks for stopping by.

The LG Report's Interview Series Sits Down With...LG!

2011-07-01T00:51:00.001-04:00

Things have been a little hectic lately (moving into a new house, planning a wedding, getting married, etc.) and LG hasn't had as much time to devote to The LG Report as he would like. So, for this installment of The LG Report's Interview Series, LG decided to stick close to home and merely interview himself. Brilliant idea, no?

What's that, you said "no?" Oh well, we're going with it anyway, so strap yourself in while LG checks himself out in the mirror..
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The public has spoken.

The LG Report: We must start off by noting that you look particularly handsome today LG.

LG: Thank you LG, you look very fetching as well.

The LG Report: We have to start off by asking you the obvious: What's it like being confused for George Clooney and Brad Pitt in public all the time?

Actually, not LG

LG: Interesting, LG was going to ask you the same question.

The LG Report: OK, let's move on from this topic, we can hear the readers yawning already. What has been your greatest thrill in writing The LG Report since it debuted in December of 2009?

LG: Probably when Sarah Palin told Katie Couric in that now-famous interview that The LG Report was one of her daily trusted news sources. Every other highlight since then has been "palin" in comparison. [insert groan here]

The LG Report: But wait, didn't she also say that Africa was a country?

LG: It's not?

The LG Report: You recently got married, how's that going.

Still not LG, but good guess!

LG: (Looks around) Great. Great. Ixnay marriage-skay questions. No, seriously, it's awesome, LG wishes he had done it days earlier. No, really, LG's wife is truly awesome and that's sincere. LG has to say one true thing in here. She rocks.

The LG Report: And you moved from New York F'ing City to The Sticks of Pennsylvania. How's that?

LG: Great. In New York LG had to tip his doormen, the taxi drivers, the garage attendant and many others; in The Sticks we only tip the cows. [Editor's note: No actual cows were harmed in the asking of this question, so back off Mr. Audubon or whoever protects cows.]

The LG Report: Are you convinced that President Obama was born in the United States?

LG didn't expect an umbilical cord to be this gross. But he posted the photo anyway.

LG: LG knows that the President produced his long-form birth certificate, but LG would still like to see the umbilical cord.

The LG Report: You're somewhat weird.

LG: Takes one to know one.

The LG Report: You have some very childish responses to my intelligent and probing questions.

LG: LG is rubber and you're glue, whatever you say bounces off of him and sticks to you.

The LG Report: Why did it take so long for you to get around to this obviously narcissistic act of interviewing yourself? One would have thought you would've done this long ago. You have one of the biggest egos since...me.

LG: LG was too intimidated to approach a great person like himself; he was afraid of being rejected.

The LG Report: Who has been your favorite interviewee in The LG Report's Interview Series so far?

LG: Good question, LG wishes that he had asked that. Oh, wait, he did. LG would have to narrow it down to Eva, Kate, Pearl, Liz, Patty, Lee, Dannie, Kelley, Linda, Sandra, Abe, Rodney, Carol, Dion, Becky, Bossy Betty, Chris, Ben... let's see, who is LG missing...

The LG Report: Seriously, we need one. Stop kissing everyone's butt to get more shout-outs on other blogs.

LG: OK........Sandra, because she showed skin in her photo. Not that LG noticed.

The LG Report: Abe showed skin too.

LG: He's #2.

The LG Report: What's your position on the budget crisis?

LG: Vertical.

The LG Report: You're not making much sense, would you like to run for President?

Kevin Turkey Bacon

LG: Yes, thank you. LG is health conscious, he'll head the Green Tea Party ticket. His favorite actor is Kevin Turkey Bacon.

The LG Report: Not really funny. Got anything better?

LG: Wow, you're a harsh critic considering that you're me. LG would punch you in the face right now if it wouldn't hurt both his hand and his face.

The LG Report: OK, like a recently-caught sea bass, we're going to wrap this up right now. Any last thoughts for our audience?

LG: Yes, thanks for stopping by, we love the blogs of all the bloggers mentioned above, as well as all the other good sports who have volunteered to be interviewed; they are truly cool (the links to many of the blogs written by the bloggers above are in the column on the right, check them out!) We hope you keep stopping by, there's some good stuff coming up soon, including an interview with Carol, who just wrote this most excellent book, "Miniskirts and Laughter Lines," which can be ordered by clicking HERE! LG hasn't actually read the book yet (it will be out in paperback soon, but is available as an e-book now), but he will before he interviews her. Authors can always tell when you haven't read their book before you interview them. LG has had the unpleasant experience of being called out by an author for not having read their book in a number of countries, such as France, Germany, Bolivia and Africa.

Hope to see you back here again soon!

Cocktail Party Update

2011-06-28T00:37:00.000-04:00

A number of readers expressed an interest in hearing about Friday night's "Welcome to the Sticks" cocktail party.

Well, it wasn't so bad.

It was pretty fun, actually.

As you may recall, The Bride and LG had a dispute over whether people would bring their "ankle biters" (as one commentator on The LG Report called them), a.k.a. kids, to the party.

LG thought that nobody would and The Bride insisted that babysitters were used only sparingly in the 'burbs and that children would be on hand.

LG is happy to report that no children were in attendance, save for the hosts' 14-year old son who showed up very late in the game, and, thus, LG was right (yet again.)

Two semi-highlights of the party [Editor's Note: There were about 15 - 18 people in attendance, all very cool]:

At one point, LG was speaking to a gentleman who is a native of Spain and speaks fluent Spanish. LG asked him what the difference was between Spanish and Catalan (click here for more info). The new neighbor replied "Italian? That's a separate language spoken by people from Italy." If he wasn't such a nice guy, we'd give him a major "Duuuuuuuuuuuuuh dude!" So we won't.

One neighbor, a middle-aged male, said of LG: "I like this guy, he makes me look good!" Now, just to set the record straight for those of you who know LG, there was no fake snot, rubber dog poo or plastic roaches involved when this gentleman said that. He was merely referring to the fact that when the idea of a new neighbor cocktail party was originally proposed, LG offered to have it as his house. That, apparently, was a no-no in the minds of all women present, as LG's Bride had not yet primped up the new pad to her satisfaction. Judging by the looks on the other wives faces, you'd think that LG had suggested that we skewer their children and cook them on the new Weber Grill. LG always reserves that suggestion for the second cocktail party.

So overall, it was quite the enjoyable evening, with no major incidents of which to speak.

Please come back again soon, as The LG Report's Interview Series will soon sit down with perhaps the most provocative guest yet....

Thanks for stopping by!

The Welcome Wagon

2011-06-24T10:34:00.000-04:00

LG recently moved to The Sticks, as you may know. One positive thing about The Sticks (of many positive things, no doubt) is that people are nicer, generally, than in The Big City. LG's neighbor recently stopped by with a bottle of wine and a directory listing everyone who lives in the neighborhood along with their e-mail addresses, cell phone numbers, family members' names, etc.

The Waltons, if they had had cell phone numbers, would've given them out freely to new neighbors, no doubt. In fact, they could've texted each other good night at the end of each episode, thereby saving viewers about two minutes worth of annoying "Good night John Boy" comments...

But LG digresses.

When LG's friend TCH moved to NYC in the late 1980s, TCH's brother Bob, from Upstate New York (where people are renowned for being nice) noticed that the door to the apartment directly across from TCH's was open. Bob was carrying a box when he saw the elderly lady peering out.

"Hi, I'm Bob _______________ (The LG Report does not use last names) from Utica. Nice to meet you," he cheerfully said.

The old lady's response: She slammed the door in Bob's face without saying a word.

Welcome to New York City. Here's our official Welcome Wagon symbol:

Anyway, tonight the neighbors are throwing a little "Welcome to the 'Hood" cocktail party for LG and The Bride [LG may be depersonalizing her with that reference, but at least he's capitalizing it; she's made it clear that she doesn't want to be referred to by name in The LG Report.]

Many years ago, when LG was about to start his first "real world" job after graduating, his mother told him "Don't let your personality show for a few weeks Sonny." LG's friend TCH was there to witness that comment, coincidentally, and he reminds LG of it from time to time. LG is wondering if he needs to keep his personality under wraps tonight with the new neighbors, make a good impression and all. Probably he won't, but at least the thought occurred to him. That's gotta be some kind of progress.

So The Bride thinks that people will be bringing their kids to the cocktail party. LG doesn't agree. It's starting at 7 pm on a Friday, who brings their kids to a cocktail party? But The Bride, with far more suburban experience than LG, says that in the 'burbs, people don't get babysitters unless absolutely necessary, and a neighborhood cocktail party is a family event. In The Big City, where most of LG's cocktail party experience comes from, kids do not attend. Do you see any children in this photo:

No. Neither does LG. But who knows, maybe some people will bring their rugrats tonight. If they do, LG may try to slip the little buggers a can of beer wrapped in a napkin to look like a Coke.

There goes LG's personality showing again...

"It Comes In A Tube:" A Father's Day Tribute

2011-06-19T01:30:00.000-04:00

[Editor's Note: This is mostly a re-post from January of 2010, when The LG Report had far fewer readers. There are some minor changes from the original. This is a tribute to all fathers, and their unique quirks, which make them the special people that they are, on Father's Day 2011. Feel free to leave a comment about your dad's unique characteristics below.]

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LG is sure that his sister, MIG, will know exactly what this post is about merely by the title.

LG's dad is on the right, circa 1958.

LG's father emigrated to the United States from Greece in the 1950s. His first job was working for his uncle, also a Greek immigrant, who owned a diner/coffee shop on Lexington Avenue in Manhattan. LG's dad started out washing dishes but, over time, he learned the diner business inside-out and went on to own at least seven diners of his own (LG may have missed one or two in his count.)

Being a blue collar worker, you'd think LG's dad was pretty handy with tools.

He wasn't. Not in the least.

He was, however, very talented at running diners. He had all the requisite skills. He picked good locations. He knew shrewd strategies for negotiating with suppliers, hiring and retaining help, and hiding cash income from the IRS. In short, he had a special aptitude for the diner business. LG's father could also cook up a storm. But, for all of his blue collar-ness, LG's dad wasn't handy. Whenever he assembled something pursuant to a set of directions, vital parts would, without fail, be left over.

Who really needs handlebars and a second wheel on a bike anyway? It's now a unicycle, enjoy!

LG's father's lack of handyman skills must've been especially vexing to him in light of the fact that his younger brother, LG's Uncle Leo, became a highly-skilled carpenter after arriving in America. Uncle Leo owned a successful contracting business in the United States for about 40 years. He was a perfectionist and everything he built reflected that.

Now, switching gears for just a second, here are some everyday products that come in tubes:

Whenever LG's father came to an impasse during a repair or assembly project around the house, usually caused by his lack of expertise, his fallback remedy was to send LG to the hardware store for some magical, yet-to-be-invented item that, invariably, "Comes in a tube" according to what he'd tell LG.

If you saw the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding," you know that Nia Vardalos's dad used Windex as a panacea for all the world's ills. LG wishes it was that simple with his father. Keeping an ample supply of Windex on hand would've been easy. But, no, that's not how it was in LG's house.

Here are some examples of how LG's father would invoke the Miracle of the Magic Tube. The heavy Greek accent is hard to replicate in writing, so you'll have to use your imagination:

"Boy! Boy! [He usually called LG "Boy!" reserving his real name, Lazarus, for times of anger.]

Boy! Gee Gee Christ, this window won't open. Go to de hardware store, they have a new thing to loosen windows, it comes in a tube."

So, off LG would go, in search of the Magic Tube.

Believe it or not, the hardware store never specifically had "Window Loosener" in a tube, but they did have some type of oil. But that was an easy one, LG is just warming up. Moving on to the next level....

"Boy! Boy! The boat won't start. Go to de hardware store, they have boat starter. It comes in a tube."

That's not actually a picture of one of LG's father's boats, but it's not too far off. His last boat was bigger than this, but, of course, that only meant it caused bigger headaches. And, if you're wondering, there is no such thing as "Boat Starter" in a tube. LG could write an entire book on his father and boating, but that will have to wait [If you're interested, you can read a tale about LG's father and boating by clicking HERE]

It was, of course, embarrassing to ask for these tubes of crazy products that LG knew didn't exist, but he had little choice. His father had sent him on a mission. LG eventually developed a method of asking the clerk for these items that furtively included a denial in the question.

"You don't carry a tube of anything that will repair a broken lawn mower engine, do you? No? I didn't think so, I was just checking, thanks..."

LG's father's cure-all Tube Mania seemed to grow stronger as time went on. He was never discouraged by the fact that there was never a product "In a tube" to fix his latest repair problem. He persevered because he always believed in his heart of hearts that there was "A New Thing In A Tube" to handle the latest task at hand. What perplexed LG most, in that pre-internet era, was where his father was reading about these supposedly new miracle products In A Tube. LG was pretty sure that advances in technology weren't discussed in the only periodical that his father regularly read, The Daily Racing Form.

Eventually, LG's father was sending him to pick up Miracle Tubes that could repair home appliances, fix transistor radios, fill driveway potholes, replace leaky plumbing and, even, regenerate limbs.

Add caption

The mechanical arm pictured here, LG believes, came from a tube. Or, rather, it would have if his father had his way. In a perfect world, LG's father would've worked for General Electric. or NASA in the Innovation Department.

Whenever LG would return from the hardware store empty handed -- his father never went himself, as you've probably gathered -- the failure would be attributed to LG's poor search skills. It never occurred to LG's father that this product didn't actually exist. And, of course, the lazy American stock clerk's own incompetence was a contributing factor.

That's the abbreviated story of LG's father and the Magic Tubes. All of this bending over the keyboard has stiffened LG's back quite a bit. He's going out to buy some Ben Gay for his muscles.

LG thinks it comes in a tube.

Fixing Things In The Sticks

2011-06-15T23:58:00.000-04:00

[Editor's Note: Moving from New York City to The Sticks will probably be good blog fodder. We'll see. Here's another look at one of the differences between the two lifestyles.]

A fact of life in a Big City which LG took for granted is that he had a building superintendent (known as "the Super") living on premises. The Super was a phone call away whenever a plumbing, electrical or other household problem arose. Leaking sink? He could handle it. Need an electrical outlet changed? No problem. When it came to home repairs, The Super was, indeed, super.

Now LG is responsible for those tasks himself (or, when need be, responsible for hiring people to do those tasks.) Here's a look at LG's toolbox:

That's all you really need in LG's world. If something is stuck, spray WD-40 on it. If it won't stay together, duct tape it up. Pretty much covers all situations.

OK, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration -- LG does, in fact, possess an actual toolbox -- but he's a far cry from a professional carpenter, plumber or electrician. He can do the basic stuff himself, despite the fact that both his sister, MIG, and his wife, IMG, publicly belittle LG's handyman skills. Yet they'll be the first to ask him to do something when a need arises. Hypocrisy? Certainly, but LG deals with it. He's gracious like that. In fact, mentioning how gracious he is happens to be the least gracious thing he's ever done.

When you're doing your own home repairs and improvements, you find yourself in Home Depot and Lowe's quite a bit. You quickly learn that: a) each visit will cost you at least $100; and b) the salespeople don't know jackshiite about most things.

LG asked the Home Depot clerk the other day where latex primer was located. His helpful response (this is 100% true): "There are only three paint aisles, I know it's in one of them, just check them all."

Then there was the cashier at Lowe's. LG had ordered a barbecue grill that was to be assembled and delivered a week later. The cashier asked "When would you like the grill assembled?"

LG replied, "I don't really care, as long as it is delivered to my house assembled, I don't care when you actually assemble it, as long as it's before the delivery date."

"But sir, I have to indicate an assembly date in the computer before I can check you out, so I need you to choose a date. "

"OK, fine, assemble it tomorrow, " LG said, giving in.

"That's too soon sir. You'll need to pick another date." she said.

This was when LG picked up a nearby shovel and bashed his own head in. No assembly required.

Welcome to The Sticks, LG hopes you're enjoying it!

Green Acres 2011

2011-06-09T23:15:00.000-04:00

LG recently moved, which mostly explains why he's been so negligent lately with his blogging. His computer isn't fully set up and his home office is far from unpacked.

That's not LG and his new wife pictured above us (you probably recognize the "Green Acres" characters), but, in a way, it's a good representation.

For the vast majority of the last 25 years, LG has lived in New York, Boston or San Francisco. He's now living in The Sticks. Well, not exactly The Sticks, but only a stone's throw from The Sticks.

Let's play a little game. See if you can spot the differences in the two photos below. It will be tough, so get your thinking cap on and look for every subtle nuance. Feel free to use a magnifying glass if need be.

Here's LG's old neighborhood in Manhattan, the one he just left:

And here's the scene just down the road from his house in his new neighborhood:

Can you see any differences? Look again, more closely. Many people fail to see the discrepancies until studying the photos for a while.

OK, OK, LG will tell you: The tavern, cars, people, buildings and most signs of civilization are missing from the second photo. Takes you a while to pick up on that, no? The location of the first photo actually looked EXACTLY like the location of the second photo at one time. That was in the year 1524.

But, of course, LG moved here to be with his True Love, and that makes it all worthwhile.

Whereas LG used to walk out his front door and see a row of neatly-kept brownstone buildings and a plethora of pedestrians, here's his new front door view:

Let's hope those neighbors in the far distance don't throw any loud and wild parties. Actually, let's hope they do...

So be forewarned readers: Some of the blog's postings will now change from the viewpoint of a single, sophisticated and cosmopolitan city dweller (the old LG) to the married, displaced urbanite making his way in suburbia (the new and improved LG.) Should be fun. And LG is looking forward to it, of course, otherwise he wouldn't have made the big move.

Well, that's it for today, LG needs to run, he hears the phone ringing. We hope to see you back here again soon!

Massachusetts

2011-06-07T14:04:00.000-04:00

[Editor's Note: LG is still unpacking at his new home and getting used to the rigors of married life, thus another re-post appears today. An oldie but a goodie from May 2010...Enjoy!]

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FSIS (50-State Interview Series) Makes It In Massachusetts with Chris!

Our interviewee today, representing the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, is Christopher, a married attorney who lives and works in Boston. Christopher is originally from Upstate New York (thereby continuing our string of interviewees who weren’t born in the state they represent), but has lived in Massachusetts since attending law school there in the 1980s.

We have nothing to say of interest in this space, we just need to fill the awkward blank spot. The entertaining stuff begins below....

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The LG Report: Chris, welcome to The LG Report's 50-State Interview Series. Let’s start with an easy one: give us three words to describe Boston in the summer and three words to describe Boston in the winter. Please make these English words for both seasons.

Christopher: Summer: Drinks, Hot + Fun. Winter: Florida on Jetblue

The LG Report: Why do you choose to live in Boston rather than your native Upstate New York? And is the word “Upstate” really supposed to be capitalized? We know it’s called the “Capital Region,” perhaps that has something to do with it?

Christopher: Upstate, It’s Great!®

I like both places very much but there were more opportunities here for me. Also, I had to keep in my mind secondary education for Doc and Herbie. [Editor’s Note: Doc and Herbie are Chris’s dogs.]

The LG Report: You’re widely perceived to be a politico. Here at The LG Report, we’re journos. If you could have a very nice 6-course dinner with Bill Clinton, or a light breakfast, buffet style, with President Obama, which would you choose and why?

Christopher: I think I would do the dinner with Clinton. First off, he would likely be more open about things because he is not the sitting president. Not to mention the fact that he knows how to have a good time.

The LG Report: Massachusetts, sometimes derogatorily referred to as “The People’s Republic of Massachusetts,” is traditionally a very liberal state. Why do you think this is?

Christopher: I do not think it is a “very liberal state.” I think it is just that our “conservatives” are not that conservative [which is true of New England as a whole] – so, it averages out to be more liberal than other states nationwide.

The LG Report: If a visitor had only one night in Boston, what would you advise them to do? It’s their first time in your fair city. And please don’t mug them.

Christopher: Has to be the duck boat tour! You get to see it all in one sweep and you get to quack at people on the street. When they do that, it quacks me up!

The LG Report: A lot of people don’t believe that Tony Conigliaro was the “Boston Strangler.” Do you have any theories on this?

Christopher: Yes. My theory is you were drunk when you wrote this question. Albert DaSalvo was the Boston Strangler. Tony C was a baseball player whose career was marred by getting hit in the eye with a pitch.

The LG Report: Bostonians typically hate the New York Yankees. You are a Mets fan. Who do you hate? And your answer need not be baseball related.

Christopher: Mean people suck. I hate mean people. I really hate bigots. I hate bigots that are mean people.

The LG Report: Speaking of the Mets, Mr. Met has a very large head with baseball stitching all around it. He is seldom seen outside a baseball field and appears to have no friends. What’s the story on him?

Christopher: First off, I love Mr. Met – that big baseball headed son of a B! He is, without a doubt, the best mascot. When the Mets played the Sox at Fenway, I kept trying to get my picture with Mr. Met but it kept coming out wrong. So, I kept trying. Finally, his handler (yes, Mr. Met has handlers) said: “Mr. Met has to go now, sir.” I think I am the only person Mr. Met has had to get a restraining order against.

ONE OF THE NICEST GUYS WE'VE MET: "Mr. X," pictured above, asked us not to use his real name or address when told that we'd be publishing his picture in conjunction with an interview of Chris. We didn't expect this -- he threw us a curve ball -- but we are honoring his wishes.

The LG Report: Which of the Boston mascots would you rather spend a night in a bar with, the Celtic or the Patriot? We’re assuming that the Sox wouldn’t get served, nor would the Bruin. Plus, PETA would protest against you for taking a bear (bruin) to a bar. If we haven’t confused you yet, please answer the question.

Christopher: I want to amend an earlier answer. I HATE the Celtic mascot – Lucky the Leprechaun. He thinks he is sooo cool, but he is a jerk. So, it has to be the Patriot – by default.

The LG Report: Both U.S. Senators from Massachusetts went to your law school. When are you going to become a U.S. Senator? Did you not take that class?

Christopher: After I pose for Cosmo. [Editor’s note: Current Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown posed for a centerfold in Cosmopolitan Magazine long ago.]

The LG Report: Opposites attract, they say (you know who “they” are, don’t make us say it…) Your wife is funny, intelligent and good-looking. Please explain what that makes you.

Christopher: A lucky man (but not a leprechaun.)

The LG Report: Hypothetical question. Geo and his wife come to Salem, Massachusetts on vacation, where you are working as a tour guide at a witch museum for the summer, while the Chinese drywall is being removed from your law offices. When it comes time to re-enact the “Burning a Witch at the Stake” ritual, Geo volunteers. Do you secretly use real gasoline in place of water, in order to actually burn him at the stake, or do you merely scream “Witch! Witch in the house!” and stab him through the heart with a sharp piece of wood?

Please note: When it’s later discovered by the police that there is in fact no “Burning a Witch at the Stake” segment on the standard tour, you simply say, “Well, there should have been,” and resign from your job, liability-free.

Christopher: Either version would be a hit on the tour.

The LG Report: What is the weirdest or funniest town name in Massachusetts?

Christopher: Quincy. Although, if you are going to name a town after a Jack Klugman character, it really should be “Oscar.”

The LG Report: What’s your guilty pleasure?

Christopher: That's easy: The LG Report – 24/7!

The LG Report: Please explain the whole “Champagne Room” concept.

Christopher: If you have to ask, you would never understand.

The LG Report: Why do you think the WNBA is still in business?

Christopher: Is it?

The LG Report: What are your three favorite websites in order of preference, starting with The LG Report, first, of course, and then what two after that?

Christopher: The LG Report; NY Daily News (Mets news) and Talking Points Memo.

The LG Report: Do you consider yourself a “Masshole?” Can you explain the term for our readers who are unfamiliar with it?

Christopher: I think it pertains to the inability of some drivers to use their directional which, as you may know, was engineered to be very easy to use. It only takes a slight hand motion and a click of the lever – done!

The LG Report: What’s the most important quality in a good lawyer?

Christopher: Being able to see both sides of an issue.

The LG Report: Do you think Bart Simpson is a real person?

Christopher: Yes, he writes The LG Report.

The LG Report: If you were to jump up and down on Oprah’s couch on national TV, what would you be yelling?

Christopher: I love Doc and Herbie, I love Doc and Herbie --- oh, and Kelley too…. [Third, Or So, Editor’s Note: Kelley is the wife.]

The LG Report: What’s your favorite movie of the last five years and why?

Christopher: Dark Knight. Love Batman and it is the definitive Batman movie.

The LG Report: Boston’s mayor speaks and looks like Fred Flintstone. Any explanation?

Christopher: I reject the premise of the question. [I want my trash to continue to be picked up, thank you….]

The LG Report: Do you ever “paak your caaaa?”

Christopher: Boy, that one never gets tired…. [sarcasm]

The LG Report: What will your last meal be when you go to the electric chair?

Christopher: Presumably, for killing Geo in the earlier question. Lobster would be the entrée with some oysters too. Dessert would be a .44 – so I could escape! Nice!

The LG Report: Ever cheat at Scrabble?

Christopher: Nope. [Wait, not enough points]. Negatory…

Thanks for your time Chris, everyone here at your favorite blog appreciates it. Don’t let the fame and fortune that’s sure to ensue from this captivating interview swell your head too much – we don’t need another Mr. Met-sized melon around here. Err, we mean "Mr. X."

The World's Best Cheesecake Recipe

2011-06-02T14:08:00.000-04:00

Editor's Note: LG got married last week, as many of you know. As a result, he hasn't had time to create an original post. So he's re-posting a favorite from June of 2010...we hope you enjoy!

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My girlfriend and I [Editor's Note: now wife in 2011] played miniature golf recently. We have a bit of a "spirited" rivalry (read: bitter) going, and neither of us likes to lose. We were tied, about halfway through the round, when she mentioned that she was making a cheesecake for an upcoming party.

"You know, my dad used to make the world's best cheesecake," I said. "It was his own special recipe. I remember busing tables at his diners as a kid and hearing customers beg him for the secret. Really, they begged. He would charge $100 for a typewritten copy of the recipe -- and he had a fair number of takers. And this was in the 1970s, when $100 was a lot of money."

"Oh my God, you have to get me that recipe, I have to have it! Is it still in the family?" she asked.

"Not that I'm aware, although there are a bunch of old boxes at my sister's house, it might be in one of them. I'm not really sure."

I wouldn't say that the cheesecake distraction was 100% responsible, but I won the match by five strokes. My girlfriend was not happy. She doesn't like to lose. Did I mention that?

She also loves to cook and bake, and she became obsessed with me finding that recipe. "Did you look? Have you checked your sister's house yet?" she asked repeatedly. "Is there anywhere else it might be?"

Last week, I e-mailed her a .pdf attachment labeled "Cheesecake Recipe." My cover note simply said, "Guess what I found?!"

Later, she told me that she could hardly contain her excitement in her rush to open the attachment.

This is what she saw (you'll have to scroll down a bit, great cheesecake recipes are worth it):

It was the mini-golf scorecard showing my 5-stroke victory. Cruel, I know. That's just the way I roll sometimes. I thought it was funny anyway...

PS I still haven't found the recipe, so don't bother asking.

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words...

2011-05-29T17:34:00.000-04:00

Nuptials Near...

2011-05-26T00:17:00.000-04:00

Regular readers of The LG Report know that LG's wedding date is fast approaching. Very fast.

Many years ago, one of LG's friends was standing at the alter of a Catholic church awaiting his future wife at the start of their wedding ceremony.

Just as the beautiful bride reached the top of the aisle and was about to embark upon her father-escorted walk to the alter, my buddy's best man whispered to him "Hey, John, just remember, there's only one thing worse than being alone when you're old."

"What's that?" asked John.

"Wishing you were alone!"

That story comes to mind far more often than LG would like to admit when contemplating marriage.

Ah, but that exchange was just an attempt at humor by the best man. It wasn't genuine advice. And, in fact, John and his wonderful bride are still married today, almost 20 years later.

Still, there's a teeny, tiny, microscopic little bit of LG that fears that this is what he's getting into:

When, in reality, he'd like to be signing on for this:

But let's face it men, nobody gets to sign on for the above in the real world.

Truth be told, LG is marrying the love of his life and couldn't be happier. He's not sure how much, if any, of the wedding and reception will be chronicled in The LG Report. That issue has to be discussed with his new life partner; LG is sensitive to the process of joint decision making now that he'll be one-half of a married couple -- especially since he's violated the rule a few times already!

But whatever is decided, this is what LG expects his marriage to be like:

Thanks, as always, for stopping by!

The LG Report

Doctored Headlines

Recent LG Tweets

More Walmartians Have Landed

The People of Walmart Invade Again

Another Nigerian Windfall!

2011: Year-End Antique Photos...

A Restaurant Recommendation

A New Photo and Some Facebook Wisecracks...

Good news: The FBI just announced that the rate was down 4% in the United States last quarter for violent crimes such as murder, rape and horsing around.

Jerry Sandusky needs better legal advice. He tried posting bail today with $250,000 worth of Hershey's Bars.

I wanted to see "The Descendants" tonight but my wife didn't. Finally, she gave in and agreed to go. To reward her, I'm buying her a gift certificate for 5 speedboat rides. [Note: This will only make sense if you saw the movie.]

Michelle Bachmann pledged tonight that if the majority of Herman Cain's supporters agree to vote for her, she'll close the U.S. embassy in East Germany.

My personal opinion: Where Herman Cain really went wrong was when he leaked to the press that his vice presidential running mate would be Hugh Hefner.

Herman Cain suspended his presidential campaign today. He figured out that if all the women who alleged that he sexually harassed him refused to vote for him, it would be mathamatically impossible for him to win.

Our town is getting ridiculous with cost cutting and budget reductions. For the annual holiday party, the only person who they could afford to play Santa was Jerry Sandusky. Too soon?

The Old Photo Train Rolls On...

And More Old Photos...

Our Next Antique Photo...

Another Old Photograph...

A Few Things To Discuss....

It's Not Greek To Me

Not Bossy and Not Betty

Geography... As Taught By The LG Report!

Mixed Bag

As you can see, the airlines are not only cheaping put these days by charging for checked luggage and on-board meals, but they're also flying closer to the ground to save gas. This was while we were flying over Denver's airport on our way to San Diego.

Now on to some recent Facebook postings. Only the highlights (yes, there were plenty even less funny than these!)

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This is how bad the economy is these days: Went to see a filming of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" yesterday and learned that they've now changed the name to "Who Wants Extra Foodstamps?" Seriously.

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Man, I'm tired today. I was at a three-way last night, it was wild. The people at the other two stop signs almost collided, neither stopped fully. It was crazy, nearly a huge wreck. I was talking about a three-way stop intersection, of course. What did you think?!

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When you think about it, the name "Pottery Barn" makes no sense. When was the last time you heard someone say "That's like closing the barn door after the pottery gets out?"

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This is going too far now. A bunch of pre-schoolers in my town are mad at the new PBS schedule of shows, so they've started an "Occupy Sesame Street" movement.

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As always, thanks for stopping by!

THE LGR Interviews Bouncin' Barb!

The LG Report Interviews Carol, Author of "Mini Skirts and Laughter Lines"

Redux: An Ode to Wegman's

Here's a re-post from February 2010. For those of you unfamiliar with Wegmans, you may not want to read below, it will make you a tad jealous...

[Editor's Note: Our sure-to-entertain-you interview with Carol of "Facing 50 With Humour" about her new book "Mini Skirts and Laughter Lines" will be posted soon so please check back.]

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Facebook Posts October 2011

George Clooney must have ESP. I've been sending him messages telepathically telling him not to call me to be his stunt double in movies (it's obvious that we look alike) and lo and behold: He has refrained from calling. You just can't explain some workings of the supernatural.

Rock stars should not stay in hotels. You always hear of rock stars dying in hotel rooms. When was the last time you heard of a rocker dying in a timeshare? And this post was not even sponsored by the timeshare industry.

Bobby "Boris" Pickett and the Crypt-Kickers improved upon my idea and made a fortune. The song I had originally written was called "Monster Au Gratin."

Trader Vic's standards have really gone down. I saw a werewolf in there the other day drinking a pina colada and his hair was far from perfect. In fact it was downright unkempt actually. Sad.

Greece - Part 3

Greece in Photos, Part 2

Greece

LG's Weekend in Northern California

September 11, 2001

September 11, 2001 - A Remembrance

FBP & M

I just saw a bumper sticker that said "War is not the answer." But what if the question is "What's the name of a very fun children's card game?" I'll bet those genius bumper sticker makers didn't think of that.

I am so eco-conscious that I took down all the "Please Recycle" signs and recycled them. Try to beat that.

Inescapable Rule of Life #236: The later you are for an appointment, the further away the only open parking space.

I wonder if William Shatner got pissed off when people started using the word "shat," as in "I almost shat myself when I won the lottery." It would really piss him off, I'm sure, if people capitalized the word. Maybe I'm putting too much thought into this.

Utility deregulation has really gone too far. Now in most states when you get sent to the electric chair you get to choose your electric power provider. Except in California, where you get sent to the solar-powered chair.

I was in a local diner this morning after Hurricane Irene had passed and the guy next to me was complaining that he had no power. "Do you live in that area where all the trees are down?" I asked. He said "No, I'm Vice President Joe Biden."

Mrs. LG says that I've spent far too much time on the computer today. I told her to e-mail me if she has something to say.

Good news, I just read that the Angry Birds have gone into therapy and are now the Well-Adjusted Birds.

Thought: If I were a famous singer and I got pulled over by a cop for speeding and he asked for my license, who would I'd want to be? Answer: Gordon Lightfoot. How could he give me a ticket then? Please, don't everyone rush to "Like" this comment all at once. Luckily, there is no "Groan" button.

My TV show was just interrupted with a tornado warning for our county. How bogus, very little chance of a torn

My wife is very concerned about the impending hurricane. Mostly she dreads the thought of power and water getting knocked out and her having to live with an un-showered me for 4 or 5 days. She's panicking!

I'm very concerned about post-hurricane looting. Concerned that I may not get to do my fair share of it with trees blocking the roads. Just kidding, Facebook-monitoring police officers!

Chew On This

Our Grossest Video Ever!

Facebook Posts Strike Again!

Here now, are some of LG's recent posts:

Anthropologists in Brazil just discovered an ancient tribe of 300 people deep in the rain forest. These people had no previous contact with civilization. They had no running water, no electricity and only 2 Starbucks.

New tourism motto: "Aruba: Where your troubles (and your traveling companions) disappear."

Being an interesting person = Good. Being a "Person of Interest" = Not So Good.

The US Postal service trying to layoff 120,000 workers. But they're going to mail out the layoff notices, so they only expect 90,000 people to receive them.

Pennsylvania, like most states, is really getting desperate for tourist dollars. They just changed the state motto from "You've got a friend in Pennsylvania" to "You've got a friend with benefits in Pennsylvania."

U.S. troop pull-out in Afghanistan is expected to proceed according to plan. In unrelated news, U.S. Air Force drone planes mistakenly bombed Standard & Poor's headquarters.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average and the average American family's combined IQ had something in common on this day of "The Jersey Shore's" premiere episode in Italy: Both plunged more than 500 points.

I see a ratings agency affirmed America's AAA rating but with negative implications. One day they love you, the next they hate you. Man, those ratings people are Moody.

Man, I'm tired today. I was at a three-way last night, it was wild.

The people at the other two stop signs almost collided, neither stopped fully. It was crazy, nearly a huge wreck. I was talking about a three-way stop intersection, of course. What did you think?!