FSIS (50-State Interview Series) Makes It In Massachusetts with Chris!

Our interviewee today, representing the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, is Christopher, a married attorney who lives and works in Boston. Christopher is originally from Upstate New York (thereby continuing our string of interviewees who weren’t born in the state they represent), but has lived in Massachusetts since attending law school there in the 1980s.


We have nothing to say of interest in this space, we just need to fill the awkward blank spot.  The entertaining stuff begins below....






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The LG Report: Chris, welcome to The LG Report's 50-State Interview Series. Let’s start with an easy one: give us three words to describe Boston in the summer and three words to describe Boston in the winter. Please make these English words for both seasons.

Christopher: Summer: Drinks, Hot + Fun.   Winter: Florida on Jetblue

The LG Report: Why do you choose to live in Boston rather than your native Upstate New York? And is the word “Upstate” really supposed to be capitalized? We know it’s called the “Capital Region,” perhaps that has something to do with it?

Christopher: Upstate, It’s Great!®

I like both places very much but there were more opportunities here for me. Also, I had to keep in my mind secondary education for Doc and Herbie. [Editor’s Note: Doc and Herbie are Chris’s dogs.]

The LG Report: You’re widely perceived to be a politico. Here at The LG Report, we’re journos. If you could have a very nice 6-course dinner with Bill Clinton, or a light breakfast, buffet style, with President Obama, which would you choose and why?

Christopher: I think I would do the dinner with Clinton. First off, he would likely be more open about things because he is not the sitting president. Not to mention the fact that he knows how to have a good time.

The LG Report: Massachusetts, sometimes derogatorily referred to as “The People’s Republic of Massachusetts,” is traditionally a very liberal state. Why do you think this is?

Christopher: I do not think it is a “very liberal state.” I think it is just that our “conservatives” are not that conservative [which is true of New England as a whole] – so, it averages out to be more liberal than other states nationwide.

The LG Report: If a visitor had only one night in Boston, what would you advise them to do? It’s their first time in your fair city. And please don’t mug them.

Christopher: Has to be the duck boat tour! You get to see it all in one sweep and you get to quack at people on the street. When they do that, it quacks me up!



The LG Report: A lot of people don’t believe that Tony Conigliaro was the “Boston Strangler.” Do you have any theories on this?

Christopher: Yes. My theory is you were drunk when you wrote this question. Albert DaSalvo was the Boston Strangler. Tony C was a baseball player whose career was marred by getting hit in the eye with a pitch.

The LG Report: Bostonians typically hate the New York Yankees. You are a Mets fan. Who do you hate? And your answer need not be baseball related.

Christopher: Mean people suck. I hate mean people. I really hate bigots. I hate bigots that are mean people.

The LG Report: Speaking of the Mets, Mr. Met has a very large head with baseball stitching all around it. He is seldom seen outside a baseball field and appears to have no friends. What’s the story on him?

Christopher: First off, I love Mr. Met – that big baseball headed son of a B! He is, without a doubt, the best mascot. When the Mets played the Sox at Fenway, I kept trying to get my picture with Mr. Met but it kept coming out wrong. So, I kept trying. Finally, his handler (yes, Mr. Met has handlers) said: “Mr. Met has to go now, sir.” I think I am the only person Mr. Met has had to get a restraining order against.

ONE OF THE NICEST GUYS WE'VE MET:  "Mr. X," pictured above, asked us not to use his real name or address when told that we'd be publishing his picture in conjunction with an interview of Chris.  We didn't expect this -- he threw us a curve ball -- but we are honoring his wishes.  


The LG Report: Which of the Boston mascots would you rather spend a night in a bar with, the Celtic or the Patriot? We’re assuming that the Sox wouldn’t get served, nor would the Bruin. Plus, PETA would protest against you for taking a bear (bruin) to a bar. If we haven’t confused you yet, please answer the question.

Christopher: I want to amend an earlier answer. I HATE the Celtic mascot – Lucky the Leprechaun. He thinks he is sooo cool, but he is a jerk. So, it has to be the Patriot – by default.

The LG Report: Both U.S. Senators from Massachusetts went to your law school. When are you going to become a U.S. Senator? Did you not take that class?

Christopher: After I pose for Cosmo. [Editor’s note: Current Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown posed for a centerfold in Cosmopolitan Magazine long ago.]

The LG Report: Opposites attract, they say (you know who “they” are, don’t make us say it…) Your wife is funny, intelligent and good-looking. Please explain what that makes you.

Christopher: A lucky man (but not a leprechaun.)

The LG Report: Hypothetical question. Geo and his wife come to Salem, Massachusetts on vacation, where you are working as a tour guide at a witch museum for the summer, while the Chinese drywall is being removed from your law offices. When it comes time to re-enact the “Burning a Witch at the Stake” ritual, Geo volunteers. Do you secretly use real gasoline in place of water, in order to actually burn him at the stake, or do you merely scream “Witch! Witch in the house!” and stab him through the heart with a sharp piece of wood?

Please note: When it’s later discovered by the police that there is in fact no “Burning a Witch at the Stake” segment on the standard tour, you simply say, “Well, there should have been,” and resign from your job, liability-free.

Christopher: Either version would be a hit on the tour.




The LG Report: What is the weirdest or funniest town name in Massachusetts?

Christopher: Quincy. Although, if you are going to name a town after a Jack Klugman character, it really should be “Oscar.”

The LG Report: What’s your guilty pleasure?

Christopher: That's easy: The LG Report – 24/7!

The LG Report: Please explain the whole “Champagne Room” concept.

Christopher: If you have to ask, you would never understand.
The LG Report: Why do you think the WNBA is still in business?

Christopher: Is it?

The LG Report: What are your three favorite websites in order of preference, starting with The LG Report, first, of course, and then what two after that?

Christopher: The LG Report; NY Daily News (Mets news) and Talking Points Memo.

The LG Report: Do you consider yourself a “Masshole?” Can you explain the term for our readers who are unfamiliar with it?

Christopher: I think it pertains to the inability of some drivers to use their directional which, as you may know, was engineered to be very easy to use. It only takes a slight hand motion and a click of the lever – done!

The LG Report: What’s the most important quality in a good lawyer?

Christopher: Being able to see both sides of an issue.

The LG Report: Do you think Bart Simpson is a real person?

Christopher: Yes, he writes The LG Report.

The LG Report: If you were to jump up and down on Oprah’s couch on national TV, what would you be yelling?

Christopher: I love Doc and Herbie, I love Doc and Herbie --- oh, and Kelley too…. [Third, Or So, Editor’s Note: Kelley is the wife.]

The LG Report: What’s your favorite movie of the last five years and why?

Christopher: Dark Knight. Love Batman and it is the definitive Batman movie.

The LG Report: Boston’s mayor speaks and looks like Fred Flintstone. Any explanation?

Christopher: I reject the premise of the question. [I want my trash to continue to be picked up, thank you….]

The LG Report: Do you ever “paak your caaaa?”

Christopher: Boy, that one never gets tired…. [sarcasm]

The LG Report: What will your last meal be when you go to the electric chair?

Christopher: Presumably, for killing Geo in the earlier question. Lobster would be the entrée with some oysters too. Dessert would be a .44 – so I could escape! Nice!

The LG Report: Ever cheat at Scrabble?

Christopher: Nope. [Wait, not enough points]. Negatory…

Thanks for your time Chris, everyone here at your favorite blog appreciates it.  Don’t let the fame and fortune that’s sure to ensue from this captivating interview swell your head too much – we don’t need another Mr. Met-sized melon around here.  Err, we mean "Mr. X."
Thanks for reading everyone, and please sign up to “Like” The LG Report on Facebook to receive a notice when a new post goes up.

The LG Report Brings You The L.A. Report

You've probably figured out by now that The LG Report spares no effort in attempting (underscore "attempting") to entertain its readers.  We take our motto seriously: "Injecting a bit of humor into your day."  We're the blog that people have trusted for their USDA daily requirement of juvenile humor (vitamin JH) since December 2009.  [Advisory: the USDA has not evaluated these statements. Check with your doctor before beginning any regimen of Juvenile Humor.]

Yesterday LG flew from NYC to LA to generate a blog posting for your entertainment (and to attend a conference about which  you're not interested.)  Here are some photos from the day's travels:

This was the window view at seat 19A.  I think we were above one of the Pretty Good Lakes (considerably smaller, and lesser-known, than the Great Lakes.)   I always look out at the wing to make sure that nobody is riding on it, like in that episode of "The Twilight Zone" with William Shatner.  Yesterday nobody was, but I've seen people out there in the past.  Curiously, they never look cold. 

This was the cabin view from my seat.  I looked around for any potential shoe bombers, but saw none.  However, the guy in front of me was a shoe-remover, and those can be bad too.  There was clearly a need for Dr. Scholl to make a house call. 



That's the Allegheny River flowing through Pittsburgh....  Psyche, no it isn't!  I just said that to excite readers from Pittsburgh.  Everyone knows that the Allegheny River has been redirected so that from the air it spells out "Steelers."

The odds are that someone you've seen at least once on TV or in the movies lives in one of these houses, I just don't know who or where.  This is a poor man's aerial Tour of the Stars' Homes.  Best we could do on a shoestring budget.

This photo depicts the United Airlines terminal at LAX yesterday.  There might be a celebrity in this photo, look closely.  Actually, the guy on the left looks like Cliff Clavin from "Cheers," no?  I think it's him.  Let's just say it is.  Oh, and look, speaking of "Cheers," Bebe Neuwirth is on the right with her rolling luggage.  It appears that they're mad at each other.  I'll sell this picture to The National Enquirer.  I can see the headline now: "Cheers Co-Stars in Big Fight at LAX!"

Speaking of celebrities, at dinner LG ran into Ed O'Neill, formerly Al Bundy on "Married with Children," and currently starring in "Modern Family."  He was enjoying a plate of sushi at Yuyu with his wife, and was only too happy to pose for a picture.  Very down-to-earth guy.

Also dinning at Yuyu last night was Lou Diamond Phillips.  Lou got his big break with the role of the title character in "La Bamba," and has made a series of unremarkable films since then.  He said he's starring in this year's movie "Transparency."  Wait for it to come to the $3 theatre near you (he's not going to read this; I'm just giving you good advice...)   

  

I don't want to let any cats out of any bags, but rumor on the internet is that the blank star on the left is being reserved for The LG Report as soon as the Hollywood Walk of Fame starts honoring blogs.  It's just a rumor however, so please don't spread it beyond everyone in your address book.  And maybe people you talk to at the office.  And on the street.  But let's keep it to that tight circle.  Thanks.

That's it for today.  Gotta run to take a meeting at the studio.  Have your girl call mine.  And remember, The LG Report is always 100% gluten-free and a great site to "Like" on Facebook and/or sign up to follow using the button to the right of this post. And don't be afraid to leave a comment, don't cost nuttin'.  See you soon...

The 50-State Interview Series Visits Lizerd in Ohio!

Today The LG Report heads to Ohio, specifically the town of Maumee, just outside of Toledo, to catch up with Liz, also known as "Lizerd" to her friends.

Originally from Michigan, Liz is married and has a son in high school. She works for a graphic design firm in downtown Toledo. We’d show you some of the company's work, but it’s pretty graphic.  If she worked for a family-friendly design firm, that would be another story. 

Anyway, let's get right to the interview, we know you can't wait to meet Lizerd in Ohio...
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The LG Report: Elizabeth, would you mind if I drop the formality and just call you "Lizerd?"

Elizabeth: No, certainly not, go right ahead.

The LG Report: Thanks. I notice your tongue is forked, that's cool. So Lizerd, you grew up in Michigan but now live in Ohio. What brought you to the Buckeye State?

Lizerd: My parents. We grew pot in my mom’s garden in Temperance, Michigan and so we had to flee when the DEA spotted it. Ohio seemed the best place to hide.

The LG Report: If Michigan were to invade Ohio in an interstate war, which side would you fight on?

Lizerd: That’s a tough one. My loyalties are divided. I might have to be like Switzerland and remain neutral.

The LG Report: Interesting.... "Maumee" sounds a lot like "Mommy" phonetically. Was there ever an instance when your son, as an infant, was in distress or grave danger and yelling "Mommy!" but you thought he was merely saying the name of your town so you ignored him, thereby causing him permanent harm? Keep in mind that the Ohio child welfare authorities don't read this blog.

Lizerd: I make it a practice to ignore him regardless. I’m pretty sure “Maumee” is Native American for “mommy.”

The LG Report: What's the single best thing about living in Ohio?

Lizerd: The vast opportunities to eat. We like food here in Ohio and eating is a pastime of ours. We could probably rival any other U.S. city for restaurants per capita. We also like to buy food in bulk at places like Costco and Sam’s Club.

The LG Report: If someone's car were to break down on their way through Ohio and they had to stay overnight (we're not, of course, implying that this is the only circumstances under which one would visit, but it does seem to be the likeliest), what would you advise them to do? Are there any specific attractions that they should visit, or anything else of interest along those lines?

Lizerd: Everyone would say you need to go to Tony Packo’s because its Hungarian hot dogs were made famous by the character Max Klinger on the TV show M*A*S*H*, but not too many peeps remember M*A*S*H* let alone Klinger except those of a certain age. So since no one remembers Jamie Farr, who also hails from the great city of Toledo, I would have to say you should go to the Village Idiot in Maumee (photo below.) It’s known for its interesting clientele and barkeepers and also more recently for being a favorite performance venue for American Idol finalist Crystal Bowersox or “Mama Sox” as she is lovingly referred to here in northwest Ohio.

IT TAKES A VILLAGE IDIOT:  Snaggle Tooth and Scully, two employees of The Village Idiot in Maumee, Ohio discuss the upcoming "Willie Nelson Dress-Alike" contest at the bar.  The fire extinguisher on the left contains an expensive chemical compound designed to protect the valuable portrait in the photo's top right corner in the event of a fire in anyone's beard.    

The LG Report: Does Ohio have the World's Largest Bratwurst or World's Largest Rubber Band Ball or anything of that nature of which you're aware without doing research?

Lizerd: We have the World’s Largest Population of Jackass Drivers…well, that’s my opinion.

The LG Report: Please give us three adjectives to describe the average Ohioan.

Lizerd: Robust, amiable, hungry

The LG Report: Have you ever served time?

Lizerd: If you count my first marriage, yes.

LIZERD with Husband 2.0 (Bill.)  She believes that all of the defects have been worked out with this newer version.  Husband 1.0 had trouble executing commands properly and was summarily deleted long ago. 


The LG Report: Do you hang out at truck stops?

Lizerd: No, but I do like to frequent the service plazas on the Ohio Turnpike.

The LG Report: What's your take on Cleveland?

Lizerd: Cleveland, home of the Cavaliers and LeBron James! Woot woot! I don’t think Cleveland and its people have ever gotten over its “Mistake on the Lake” moniker.


The LG Report: Hypothetical. Let's say Geo comes to your state to attend an Ohio State - Michigan football game with you. But he stupidly wears a Michigan jersey. In the third quarter, just after Michigan scores a go-ahead touchdown, frustrated fans begin pummeling Geo mercilessly as he's quietly enjoying a beer and minding his own bee's wax.



Would you:

a) Offer to hold his beer for him and secretly take big gulps of it while you enjoyed watching him being beaten;

b) Half-heartedly wave for Security while yelling “He’s not only a Michigan fan, he also played halfback for them in ’48!” while getting in a few good kicks yourself; or

c) Ask if anyone has lighter fluid because you hear that Michigan football jerseys are supposed to be fire proof and you don't believe it?

Lizerd: I would drink his beer for sure and I would not do it secretly.

The LG Report: Geo's wife is one of your best friends. Did you warn her not to marry him?

Lizerd: This seems to be a theme of The LG Report. I think I may have warned her that she’d be saddled with his best friend for the rest of her life as well, but that didn’t stop her.

The LG Report: The Pretenders have a song in which they sing "I went back to Ohio but my city was gone..." Have they located that city yet?

Lizerd: “A...O...way to go, Ohio…” Crissy Hind is from Akron, where they make tires for cars. It’s still there as far as I know though. We also have that other little ditty by Neil Young about the Kent State riots. “Four dead in Ohio…” Such uplifting songs.

The LG Report: Does Ohio have cable TV?

Lizerd: Sometimes.

The LG Report: The Wright Brothers were from Ohio. They invented the airplane. Did they really want to escape the state that badly?

Lizerd: I think they were merely trying to escape Dayton.

The LG Report: It may sound like we're dissing Ohio here but that's not the case. Ohio is clearly one of the 50 best states. What single attribute do you think, Lizerd, distinguishes Ohio from the other 49 states?

Lizerd: We helped elect George W. Bush. Twice. (That IS a diss)

The LG Report: Does your husband have a reptilian nickname? If not, can you give him one now?

Lizerd: I might call him “Turtle” and not because he’s like the character on HBO’s Entourage.

The LG Report: Seven U.S. presidents were born in Ohio. The official insect is the Ladybug. You have quite a state there. Oh, and the abbreviation is OH. Are you ever confused when someone says "Oh," thinking that they may be pronouncing the state abbreviation instead? This must be a big problem in Ohio.

Lizerd: We’ve got lots of problems here in Ohio, but mistakenly saying “Oh” for “OH” is not one of them. But there was that whole Simpson-esque branding the City of Toledo wanted to do with “D’OH!” (as in TOLED’OH!) that for some reason didn’t see the light of day.

The LG Report: If you could change Ohio's state motto from its current "With God All Things Are Possible" [it's one of five U.S. states with the word "God" in the official motto; yes, you're getting your learn on here...] what would you choose?  Can you think of a credible state motto for Ohio with the word "Satan" in it?  Maybe "Satan Isn't Welcome Here" or something along those lines.  But don't let me influence you, you're the designer of things graphic.  Can you please answer now so that I can stop typing?  Thanks.....

Lizerd: If I had known that was the state motto, I might have protested the move a little more. I think a better motto would be Flip Wilson’s oft-quoted saying, “The devil made me do it!”

The LG Report: Other than The LG Report, which is clearly number one, what's your second favorite place on the internet?

Lizerd: madmadmad.com. (A little self promo never hurts.)  [Editor's note: that's the website of Lizerd's employer.  Angryangryangry.com was already taken.]


The LG Report: Ok Lizerd, we're going to wrap it up here and get you back to your terrarium.  Are there any parting thoughts, or pieces of sage advice, that you'd like to pass along to the readers?

Lizerd: I would advise people who copy LG on an email to be prepared for an onslaught of responses that may go on for several days. OH, and if you do break down in Maumee, don’t look me up. I’m not an amiable Ohioan.
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So there we have it folks, the great state of Ohio is added to the pantheon of The LG Report's 50-State Interview Series. Our deepest thanks go out to Lizerd for being such a good sport.  Make sure give her a ring if your car ever breaks down in Maumee and there's a delay in fixing it [Editor’s Note: That was written before Lizerd answered the question above telling us to steer clear.  Should’ve been obvious….ToleD’OH!.]
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Odds and Ends:  There's a lot more fun coming your way on The LG Report soon, so please keep clicking back in.  We post about three times a week usually.  And please consider conferring "Like" status on The LG Report if you're a Facebook member (we appear under "The LG Report," funny enough.)  We like you, why not like us back?  If you do, you'll get notification through Facebook every time a new post goes up.

Upcoming features:  LG travels to Los Angeles later this week for an insurance conference but will have his Blackberry phone handy in case of any celebrity sightings.  Also, our exclusive interview with Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino of MTV's "Jersey Shore" will be appearing soon.  We leave you with this teaser photo just like they do on our sister website, TMZ (of course, TMZ doesn't know it's our sister website, we're adopted.)

Thanks again for reading and stay tuned for more fun on The LG Report coming soon!

Miscellaneous Monday

The LG Report presents some miscellaneous thoughts to start your week.  But before we get to that, there's a photo at the very bottom of this post that we took on Saturday at Benny's Burrito's in New York City's Greenwich Village at 1:30 in the afternoon.  Even though it was in public view for all to see, it's a very distasteful image. 

This is fair warning: don't scroll all the way down if you don't want to see it!  But, of course, like a horrific train wreck, everyone will want to crane their neck to check it out.  Just don't say we didn't warn you...

Ok, some miscellaneous thoughts:

• America Idol Update: .....................We don't watch American Idol.
• We have an interview coming shortly with Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino from the MTV show Jersey Shore.  Don't miss it.
• We HATE stores that keep one of their front entrance double doors locked at all times.  Especially after you've just told off the cashier for some idiotic mistake or extra long wait, and, as you stride triumphantly out of the place, you push against the locked door and come to a screeching halt, nose pressing up against the glass.  Why do they do that? It sucks;
• Two of our favorite lines from the first season of Jersey Shore:
• At 2 a.m., some of the male cast members tell three random women who had stopped by the house to leave.  Just as they step onto the street, a Seaside Heights garbage truck passes by.  One of the men yells out to the departing girls, "Your ride's here!"
• In another episode, Ronnie is on the boardwalk with his girl.  A guy who he'd been having a verbal altercation with yells "Go back to Staten Island bro!"  Ronnie's witty response: "I'm not from Staten Island bro!" 
• There's a show on the Discovery Channel called Swamp Loggers.  It's filmed in North Carolina.  Despite the fact that these people are Americans speaking English, in many scenes the Discovery Channel includes captions of what the men are saying.  To paraphrase Jeff Foxworthy, you know you're a redneck when an American TV show is providing captions for your English;
• This might be the one plausible defense for someone who goes ballistic and commits a heinous act of violence:  "I was forced to listen to the 'Cars for Kids' radio commercial repeatedly." 
• Among the most deceptive images in our society, and ones which should be much more closely regulated by the government:  Pictures of frozen pizza on TV.  They all look so good on the boob tube, and they all suck so badly in real life.
• I don't miss contorting my body to reach around behind the TV to adjust the vertical or horizontal hold.  If you have ever done that in your life, you're old.

OK, here's the picture that we warned you about.  Click off this page now if you don't want to see it.  Again, we gave you fair warning.  This photo was taken in broad daylight on a busy NYC street on Saturday.  There must've been a major plumbers' convention in town.  Here it is:

Still time to bail....

You can click out now....

Go no further if you have a weak stomach....

This is not for the faint of heart....

We're not kidding, it's coming shortly.....

Think twice before continuing....

Ok, you can't hold us liable, you're doing this of your own free will....

Here it is, enjoy!:

    
There's a lot we can say, but we won't make any cracks about this photo.  We told you not to look, butt you wouldn't listen....

We'll try to do better next time, please come back soon!

What's in a Name?

If you're a normal boy growing up in America, this is almost a certainty:

Your friends are going to give you a nickname. And it will have little or nothing to do with the actual first name that your parents may well have agonized over for months before choosing.

It just happens.

Where I grew up, in small-town New Jersey, almost every kid had a nickname. The derivations varied widely. Some nicknames were based on a kid's formal name, others on their physical characteristics and still others on wholly irrational and unrelated factors.

The photo below, taken in June of 1976, shows a group of my friends hanging out when we were about 13 or 14 years old. Two of the more notable nicknames belong to the kids at each end of this picture.


"Tain" or "Taino," sitting in the chair on the left, had a nickname that was a shortened, easier-to-say version of his Italian last name. A common practice pretty much everywhere. On the far right, elevated off the ground and about to throw a baseball card at the camera, is "Mooch." This moniker later morphed into the less insulting "Moose," or "Moose Man."

Mooch's nickname was based on his practice of always being the first to ask for whatever you were reaching into your pocket to get. He was extremely quick on the trigger, like an Old West gunslinger. And fearless too; it didn't bother Mooch that he didn't know if you were going to fish out a piece of fresh Bazooka or a lint-covered Lifesaver. He just wanted to be the first to ask.

Others in our crowd sported nicknames, at various times, like Nipper, Scray Egg, Bear, Flea Bag, Dean, Low Baller, Panda, Keeg, Joeye, Squeegee, Rick E. Bad and Satch. I was Fere Dow, and later Fere Dog, although I honestly don't remember how that name came about.

Nipper, who was given his nickname by a friend who thought he looked Japanese -- even though his ethnicity wasn't remotely Asian -- at one point decided that he'd re-christen himself "Boomer." But his weak attempt failed miserably; it was nipped in the bud so to speak.  Nobody bought in, and to this day he remains "Nipper" in our childhood circle.

The First Rule of Nicknames is that you can't create your own. Sorry, this is not Denny's salad bar.

I had heard my friend's brother-in-law being called "Stu" for the first 10 years that I knew him. I always thought this was short for "Stuart," which I assumed was his real name. Then, a few years ago, I learned that his name is actually Paul and "Stu" was short for "Stupid." Everyone in the family calls him that.

Two examples of physical attribute-based childhood nicknames stand out in my memory.

The first involved a boy from the other side of town who had a severely pronounced hair lip. It affected his speech to the point where you sometimes couldn't understand him. Being the compassionate and sensitive human beings that my friends were, they came up with the nickname of ..."Lipper."

Another guy in town, about 5 years older than us, had a very prominent (read: long and large) nose. He was not considered especially attractive by most people's standards (I'm exercising a little 2010 political correctness here...)

This fellow, we'll call him Vinnie (since that's his name), had a younger sister. Unfortunately for her, she shared many of his physical characteristics, including a protruding nose. They looked very much alike. I don't think I ever knew her real first name; I only heard her referred to by the nickname my friends created. So what was it?

"Vinnie with the Long Hair."  Ouch. 

Here we see a photo of Eggman (first name = Greg, hence the derivation) and Moon Baby (derived from the song "Beach Baby," by the British group The First Class) sitting on a ride designed for young children in the mid-1970s. Doing something like this today would probably get them listed in the Megan's Law directory. Or the Mickey's Law Directory. [Editor's Note: This picture is not all that relevant to this topic, but I wanted to post it anyway to embarass them.  They both read the blog.]

The creation of mean nicknames isn't restricted to children. Years ago I worked at AIG with a guy who, for some inexplicable reason, never wore undershirts beneath his white work shirts. As a result, he would develop large yellow perspiration stains under his arms ("Eeeeewww!" I can hear you saying to yourself, and you'd be right, it was "Ewwwww"-worthy.)

Whenever someone would stop by his cubicle, this guy would lean back in his chair and clasp his hands behind his head, thus giving the visitor a full-on view of the two huge yellow stains gracing his shirt's underarm area. One of our colleagues came up with a fitting nickname for this gentleman: "Old Yeller." It was only used behind his back, of course.

However, saddling someone with an insulting nickname can sometimes have the unintended effect of motivating them to overcome their situation and really excel in life.


For example, I could tell you that the picked-upon child with the hair lip, "Lipper," grew up to start his own internationally-famous mutual fund rating system. Eventually it would lead to the creation of Lipper, Inc., a subsidiary of Thomson Reuters.

I could tell you that, but it would be a big fat lie. No such thing happened.

Let me know if you believed it though, I'll have to start calling you "Stu."
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Feel free to post comments with your favorite nicknames, your own or someone else's.  The more the merrier.  And please consider "liking" The LG Report on Facebook if you're a member.  Thanks for checking in!

COMING SOON: The LG Report's 50-State Interview Series Continues and, separately, an exclusive interview with the cast of "Jersey Shore."   

The Greek Financial Crisis is Over; Belmont Trifecta Pays Big!

By Stavros Carabasesmarkatoskambospanagotacoscominos

ATHENS (FETA News Service)  —  The Greek government was able to emerge from its potentially-ruinous financial crisis today when its $5.3 billion bet on the 6th race trifecta at Belmont Park paid off handsomely.

"See, there was nothing to worry about," said Prime Minister George Papandreou from the kitchen of his brother's diner, where he was filling in for a no-good short order cook who didn't even bother to call in sick. 

"We knew in our hearts all along that the other nations were exaggerating, especially the tight-fisted Germans.  Those people don't have a reputation for being cheap for nothing," he added while assembling a cheeseburger deluxe, hold the tomato (4 Euros on Wednesdays with a free soda; sorry, no substitutions.) 

The country's Minister of Finance and Thoroughbred Racing, Konstantine Cassiskardarasdiaconiskarakostazacharopoulos, claimed much of the credit for himself. 

"I worked hard to dope out the sixth at Belmont," he said from his uncle's taverna on the island of Andros, where he was filling in for a sick waiter [Editor's Note: "sick" our butt, the bum was probably up late watching the soccer and drinking ouzo.]

"I knew that with a $5.3 billion bet, I had to be confident in the horses on which we were betting the people's money.  We take our role as stewards of the public trust very seriously in the Greek government.  In fact, I don't want to brag, it's not the Greek way, but to be extra safe, I even sent my cousin Nikos up to the window with the bet.  He's the honest one with the bad leg and droopy eye.  I don't trust my cousin Demetrios, you have to watch him like a hawk, especially when he's working the register. He's got some Italian blood in him."

Finishing in the money for the Greek people were Let's Riot to Protect Our Cushy State Jobs ($42.30), Screw the Krauts if They Think We'll Ever Sell Islands ($23.50) and Betcha Didn't Know Tina Fey Is Greek ($12.00).

With the crisis averted, Prime Minister Papandreou is already making big plans to fatten the country's coffers and return Greece to solid financial footing.

"We're going to get a soft serve ice cream machine for the summer, it's always a big seller," he revealed.

"And I've been looking at a couple of longshots at Aquaduct, I think we may invest some of tax revenue over there."  But, he noted in a firm voice, "We're cautious, we're done playing fast-and-loose with the European Community's fiancial backing.  If Nikos isn't around to bring the bet to the window, we sit the race out."

Prime Minister Papaandreou also asked this reporter to mention that in Greece, all baking is done on premises, so tourists should start planning their visits now! (But please note: restrooms are for customers only.)

Mother of Invention

My mother, Anne, who passed away in December of 1993, had a great sense of humor. She exercised it with discretion however, unlike her son, who has been known to don hillbilly teeth and dangle a string of rubber snot after a fake sneeze. To each their own.

The story I'm about to relate is one that I think of fairly often, especially around Mother's Day and my mother's birthday in July. It starts during my senior year at Villanova in the mid-1980s.  The fact that I was in college in the first place, I should point out, was attributable to my mother. In my last year of high school, I had decided that I didn't need any additional matriculation.

"Ma, I don't need to go to college, I'm smart enough already," I remember announcing in our kitchen one day.  I honestly believed it.

My mother wisely disagreed.

I don't know why, but she had determined that Villanova was the right college for her sonny.  I felt strongly that if I was going to be forced to pursue higher education, it should be in a warm climate, like Florida or California.

My mother would have none of that however.

By employing a series of subtle psychological maneuvers, the likes of which the CIA has still not seen to this day, my mother tricked me into choosing Villanova. Not only that, but I went believing that it was my idea in the first place. But that's a story for another day...

                                                                          LG, his sister Maria and mother Anne, circa 1989.


One of my roommates, Steve, came to visit me at the Jersey Shore for a few days from his home in Maryland over the Christmas break. Steve had been an Orientation Counselor for the incoming freshmen that previous fall.  Orientation Counselors were generally outgoing and personable upperclassmen (and women) who were chosen to help assimilate newly-arriving students to life at Villanova.

Orientation Counselors were expected to follow a whole list of written rules.  There were, I believe, some unwritten ones as well.

Chief among the unwritten, in my opinion, was: Do not take advantage of your status as an Orientation Counselor/Upperclassman/Mentor to date freshmen in your orientation group.

Steve must've missed the discussion of the Unwritten Rules. When the orientation dust had settled, he was dating a freshman.

I can feign righteous indignation at his actions now, many years later, but had I been in his shoes (for which I applied, but was not selected), I probably would've done the same thing.  But I digress...

Steve's girl's name was LizAnne. She was from Summit, New Jersey. One night during his visit, we were returning from a bar to my house at about two in the morning when Steve noticed the Summit Avenue sign in our town. 






Steve, circa 1983, at a tailgate.

"Hey, can we steal that sign for LizAnne? She'd love it," he said.

We were in college, it was the 1980s, and having street signs in your dorm room was cool.  Honest.

"OK, I have an idea," I said, never being one to turn down a challenge, especially at two in the morning.

There was a length of sturdy boat rope in my trunk, and a trailer hitch on the back bumper.

"We'll tie the rope to the hitch and wrap it around the sign and pull it off the pole," I said.  It was McGuyvering at its best.

Being very familiar with the mission-critical considerations of committing mischief at night in a car (which differs from other types of nightime mischief), I turned off my lights so that any potential witnesses wouldn't be able to read my license plates.

We circled the block, arrived at the sign, and fastened the rope around it. Nobody in sight.  It was a calm and clear night.  Great conditions for stealing a sign, I thought.

One...two...three...

I gunned the engine and lurched the car forward about ten yards. The Summit Avenue sign exploded off its perch and shot under the car.  However, in the process we pulled the pole beneath it almost flat to the ground. 

Uh oh, major damage.

Steve fished the sign out from under my car using the still-attached rope and we high-tailed it out of there.  I drove the three blocks back to my house with the headlights off.  No sense taking chances on getting caught I thought.

About a week later I was back at school when my mother called.

"A policeman came to the door this afternoon," she said.






Here's the front end and grill of the sign-stealing car, a 1977 Chevy Nova Concours.  The "Juggernaut" label on the front is yet another story for another day... [Editor's Note: We purposely cropped part of the license plate number out of the picture, just in case.]

My heart stopped momentarily.

"For what?" I asked, pretending to be shocked.

"He said that someone stole the Summit Avenue sign last week, and that a neighbor saw a car with a Villanova sticker on the back window pull away. The officer said that the only car in town with a Villanova sticker is yours. He's seen it parked in front when you're home."

"What did you tell him ma?" I asked, knowing that I had a problem on my hands.

"I started screaming at him, I told him that my son would never steal a sign and that he should get off my porch and go bother someone else!" she said.

My heart, which had briefly re-started, stopped again.

I didn't know what to do, but somehow the instinct to tell the truth kicked in. I figured my mother, who apparently thought so highly of my honest nature that she would shoo away a police officer, would understand.

"Uh, mom...uh, I actually did steal that sign," I confessed.

"What?! What are you talking about?" she asked.

"When Steve was visiting, he wanted it for his girlfriend, she's from Summit. We hooked a rope around the sign and pulled it off with the car. I can't believe someone saw my Villanova sticker. It was dark out and I had the lights off. Damn, I can't believe this, it stinks."

"I don't know what you're going to do, they'll be looking for your car when you come home," she said.

"Well, anyway, thanks ma, I appreciate your sticking up for me. I'll figure something out."

Immediately after hanging up, I went out to my car and scraped the Villanova sticker off the back window. This was Step One in my plan to throw the police off my trail.

It just so happened, that semester I was taking a course in play writing at Rosemont College, an all-girls school near Villanova.  I hit upon what I thought was a brilliant idea: I bought a Rosemont College sticker and put it on my car's back window, right where the Villanova sticker used to be. This, I thought, would fool the police but good.  They were over their heads when dealing with this master criminal!

Just about every friend I had asked why I had a Rosemont College sticker on my window.  Invariably, I'd launch into a detailed account of the Night of the Sign Theft.  People were generally understanding and sympathetic to a maneuver designed to keep the cops away.

That sticker stayed on my car for well over a year, until, finally, I got tired of telling everyone the story in Boston, where I had moved for law school. By then, I figured, the statue of limitations on sign theft had run out.

For over 20 years, I had been telling that story whenever a related topic would arise in conversation, such as sign theft (a popular topic among my friends), police visits (ditto), car window stickers, or the like.  Then, one day, about two years ago, my sister overheard me telling the story for the first time in her life.

"Don't you know the truth about that?" she asked with a disbelieving air.

"No, what?" I replied.

"There was never any policeman at the door. Mommy made up that whole story to scare you into not doing anything like that again. I thought you knew."

I was busted, BIG TIME.

More than 15 years after she passed away, my mother was still getting the last laugh on me.

Somewhere above, I'm sure she's looking down and getting a good chuckle every time her sonny tells this story -- with the newly-discovered ending.

This is a good weekend to take some time to reflect upon, and appreciate, your mother, living or not. She no doubt made a lot of sacrifices to get you to where you are today -- maybe even a few involving a white lie or two, all for your own good.

Here's wishing a happy Mother's Day to all you moms out there.

The 50-State Interview Series Continues: Montana Patty In The Hotseat -- Welcome to Big Skyy Country!

Today we move on to the second installment in The LG Report’s 50-State Interview Series (collect ‘em all!)  After starting with Dannie in New York, we’re packing up the wagon train and heading out West to meet Patty from Gardiner, Montana. Giddyap little doggie!

Interviewee Profile: A divorced mother of two daughters in college, Patty was born and raised in Toledo, Ohio, but has lived in Montana for a coon’s age, as they say in those parts. Formerly a Human Resources executive at Yellowstone National Park, she’s now with an internet company.

Patty is, coincidentally, Geo’s sister-in-law.  We recently caught up with her on the north forty as she was punching some cattle. Or, she might have been sitting in her air-conditioned office sipping a double mocha latte (probably the case in light of the picture at right.)  Here we go, strap yourself in:





____________________________________________________

LG Report: Montana. Really? Really? Montana?

Patty: Mon-DAMN-tana!

LG Report: Do you consider yourself to be “living off the grid?”

Patty: Solar panels on the Shack of Dreams tells me so

LG Report: You grew up in Toledo, in the great state of Ohio (“round on the ends and ‘hi’ in the middle -- sorry, couldn’t resist.) Why leave such a great place for Montana?

Patty: Dumped by a college fiancé, I thought I’d go West (of Chicago)

LG Report: How many days a week, on average, do you wear plaid flannel?

Patty: Does the blue plaid flannel thong count?

LG Report: What percentage of current Montana residents do you think are native to the state?

Patty: Born ‘n Bred ... they’re a scary lot ..... 5%

LG Report: What percentage do you think are wanted by the law in other states?

Patty: 4.97%

LG Report: Do you hate arrogant East Coasters like me?

Patty: Only when standing in a queue with y’all. Or driving with people like my sister on the Garden State Parkway. Jeezus. Chill, people.

LG Report: Montana is known as “Big Sky Country.” Recently, a liquor company announced it would pay $2 million a year to the state if it will call itself “Big Skyy Vodka Country.” Are you for or against such a change?

Patty: Go for it.

LG Report: Actually, I just made that up. But it sounds plausible. Maybe Skyy Vodka will read this and try to implement the idea. I think I should get a free case if they do; it’s only right. Don't worry, I'll cut you in on some. I think they treat wounds in Montana with vodka, no? Ok, back to the interview…

Patty, living in Montana, what do you miss most about civilization?

Patty: Slices. German-American Festivals. Polish-American Festivals. 4th generation Italians. Last names with more consonants than vowels that end in “-ski.” Not having more than 2 restaurants within 55 miles. Yes, really.

LG Report: Have you ever been part of a posse? (50 Cent’s or Jay-Z’s will not count…)

Patty: My posse is none of your business.

LG Report: Have you ever attended a public hanging? If so, was it hard to get parking? And did you join the crowd in yelling “String 'eem up!”

Patty: The only thing hanging around here is the wildlife during the late hunt. And yuck.

LG Report: If you couldn’t live in Montana, what state would you live in and why?

Patty: Couldn’t live here? Like they’re gonna kick me out? I’d live wherever the Sugar Daddy buys me a sweet condo on the beach.

LG Report: You used to work at Yellowstone National Park. Also known as “Jellystone,” I believe. Did you ever have any run ins with Yogi Bear or Boo Boo? They seem like regular guys, is that true off-camera?

Patty: They won’t seem to fess up to what exactly is in that damn pic-a-nic basket. But I’m determined to figure it out. They’re always smiling.

Patty sent this photo from her camera phone.  We assume that everyone in Montana has a cardboard cut-out of Yogi Bear and Boo Boo somewhere in their cabin.   


LG Report: Montana is only the 44th most populous state, despite having the 4th most land. Famous people from Montana include Gary Cooper, Carroll O’Connor, Peter Fonda, Phil Jackson and Evel Knievel (1938 – 2007.)

Evel was quite the daredevil. If you had to jump over something scary with a motorcycle, what would it be?

Patty: Aforementioned Sugar Daddy?

LG Report: In that previous list, we purposely didn’t mention Theodore “Ted” Kaczynski, also known as the “Unibomber.” Although he was born in Chicago, Ted was living near Lincoln, Montana when he committed his crimes. Why are you sweating? Did you know Ted? Ever mail any packages for him?

Patty: I slept in Lincoln one night. In a tent. Woke up under water. Don’t ask.

LG Report: I should mention that "Hannah Montana" is a fraud; she's not from Montana originally, nor does she live there now.  I guess the name was catchier than "Ida Ho."  Also, Joe Montana and Tony Montana? Not residents either.

Speaking of Joe and Tony, Montana is a state with a lot of macho men riding horses and engaging in outdoor activities. Do most men in your state “ride bareback,” if you know what we mean?

Patty: Baby. The chaps are all for show.

LG Report: Let’s discuss the Elephant in the Interview Room – Geo. Why do you think you were unsuccessful in trying to talk your sister out of marrying him?

Patty: I did write him a scathing letter once. I think I threatened to take him out if he did my precious sister wrong.

LG Report: Do you lust after Geo in your heart? Remember, not a lot of people read The LG Report so you should feel free to reveal intimate and private thoughts.

Patty: Geo’s a rock star. What’s not to love? I’ll keep him around simply for his splendiferous CD mixes. [Editor's Note: Geo is, we must admit, very talented at creating pitch-perfect CD mixes for every musical taste.]

LG Report: Here’s a hypothetical question for you Patty. Let’s say Geo and your sister are visiting you during the summer. You take them to a county 4H fair (I don’t know what that is, but I’ve heard the term on TV) and there’s a “dunking booth” set up to raise money for the ASPCA. But the guy who was supposed to sit in the chair above the tank of water contracted diarrhea from the taco stand and the Montana Department of Health (assuming there even is one), won’t allow him to participate. So Geo volunteers to sit in the chair to help raise money for the poor ASPCA animals. You pay $3 (Montana money; I think it might be wooden) for three baseballs to throw at the chair-release target.

Here’s the question: Do you ignore the target and just aim for Geo’s nuts with your fastest pitch? Or, do you drop the balls and lunge over the counter to stab Geo in the thigh with the knife that every Montana resident is required to carry on their belt?

Think it over. We have all day for this one.

Patty: I throw like a girl. Geo wouldn’t have anything to worry about. I’d aim for him, and hit some 6’8” bull rider in the back of the head, and then point at Geo and Geo would have some splainin' to do.

LG Report: If you had to come up with a new tourism motto for Montana, what would it be?

Patty: The Big Sky Invites You To Come * And if you share that with Jeanette, I will send the 6’8” bull rider to come hunt you down

LG Report: Were you aware that John Leister from Great Falls, Montana, briefly played quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers? No? I didn’t think so, but I promised Dannie, our last interviewee, that I’d somehow get the Steelers mentioned in here. I’m checking that one off.

Here’s the question though: If you had to sing one song on “American Idol” to win it all, what would it be?

Patty: "Cheeseburger In Paradise" by Jimmy Buffett. Make that with genuine Montana beef, please.

LG Report: Is there a lot of illegal drug use in Montana? If you answer “yes,” please explain how you know.

Patty: I can only assume. Home Depot runs a special on Grow Lights every weekend in the winter. And here, we have two seasons. Winter and July. In July you can usually be assured that the plants will do okay outside. If you can keep the “wildlife” away from them.

LG Report: What would you like the readers of The LG Report to do each day to make this world a better place?

Patty: I’ve started a 12-Step Program - LGAnonymous. We realize that we are powerless over your wit.

LG Report: Have you ever danced on a bar?

Patty: Grizzly or Black?

Bison grazing on Patty's front lawn (yes, honestly.)  It's not uncommon for the animals to roam freely in small Montana towns (i.e. all Montana towns...) They reportedly enjoy feasting on cardboard cut-outs of Yogi and Boo Boo.


LG Report: I said "bar," not "bear." Get your mind out of the wilderness. Montana borders three Canadian provinces, more than any other state. If the Canadians tried to invade the United States by coming through Montana, what would you personally do to defeat, or at least deter, them?

Patty: Put up the “Road Closed For The Season” signs and point them to North Dakota.

LG Report: Your mother is a very nice person. I’m sure you don’t call her as often as you should, what with all the stuff to do in Montana and all… What would you like to say to your mother here, assuming we can coax her into reading The LG Report?

Patty: Forgive me for allowing Larry to ever talk me into this.

LG Report: You are given one date with a celebrity. It can be an actor, singer, athlete, blogger – or whomever you want (I only came up with this question to show off my proper use of “whomever.”) Other than ole LG, the obvious choice, who would you pick? And, please, keep it platonic – no basing your answer on sack-tivities (a new word which I just made up, but you should feel free to popularize…)

Patty: Gerard Butler - for the bad boy quotient. Dammit - he might have to include sack-a-bility. There’s always Michael Vartan ...... yummy.

LG Report: Please tell us one thing that you never thought you’d tell anyone. Something really deep and dark.

Patty: Sue Lynch and I accepted tickets from roadies at a Kenny *** concert, 3rd row seats. Kenny tossed me his tambourine at some point. He had autographed it - with his phone number. I was smitten. And a young and wild college student. He was old. That was probably just wrong on so many levels.

LG Report: If you won $10 million in the Montana State Lottery, what would be the first thing that you’d buy?

Patty: A chartered flight starting in NYC to bring all my peeps to MT for a helluva party.

LG Report: Finish this sentence: My daughters would make me most proud if they would ________________________.

Patty: Thank me when I pay off their College Student Loans with my MT Lottery Winnings.

LG Report: Finish this sentence: I’d be really happy if Geo would just ____________.

Patty: Buy me something in a little aqua colored box like he does for my sister. Beeatch.

LG Report: OK Patty, we’re almost out of time. To wrap it up, if someone was considering going to Montana for a holiday, what would you recommend that they do? Assume that they only have a week in your great state. Please just give us the quick Reader’s Digest version, since nobody is really all that interested in Montana anyway, I’m just trying to be polite with this question.

Patty: Fly into Bozeman. Eat Fish Tacos at Taco Del Mar. Because you’ll be eating Bison later. Go north to Glacier, eat Pie For Strength. Come south to Yellowstone. Yellowstone is actually in Wyoming. Get your map out. It’s a really big state. You arrogant East Coasters could honk your horns all you want - the Elk won’t move for you any more than they do for us.

This photo depicts how Patty feels when she's forced to visit a big American metropolis and everything is moving at 100mph -- much faster than the bison grazing in her yard.


Well kids, that concludes today’s interview. A very big LG Report “Thank You” to Patty for being such a good sport and an entertaining interview subject. We wish her much continued success off the grid, err, we mean living in Montana. And please remember The LG Report’s Montana-based bit of advice for today: Don’t accept any packages with a “T. Kaczynski” return address.

Thanks for reading, as always.  We’ll be back on Friday with a humorous Mother's Day-appropriate story of cunning, guile and a last-laugh for the ages. 

And remember, if you sign up to “Like” us on Facebook, you'll get notification every time a new post goes up.  Exciting, we know!

The LG Report Branches Out...

...in a couple of ways. 

First, our extremely limited edition LG Report t-shirts got some international play recently when Geo (he's now what's called a "bold faced" name) wore his in Istanbul, Turkey:

Look at the sign in the background if you don't believe that Geo was really there.  Plus, he'd just taken a Turkish Bath, dried himself off with a Turkish Towel, and had eaten some Turkish Taffy.  And please don't think to yourself "Geo in Turkey is a redundancy."  That's not right.

In case you're wondering, above the red star on Geo's shirt are the Greek letter equivalents of "LGR."  Fraternity boys already boys knew that.   

Second, The LG Report has just joined Facebook! 

Yes, we know that you don't think that the exclamation point and the yellow highlighting were warranted, but we did.  Please bear with us. 

If you look us up and confer "Like" status (Facebook recently did away with being a "fan"), we believe that you'll get notification whenever a new post goes up.  We're not sure of this, however, being fairly new to Facebook.  We were on it once before, in a personal capacity, for a very short time, before being run off by some weirdoes from our past.  Of course, "we" are speaking in the plural, but "we" are really are referring to just one person.  By saying "we," it sounds more intimidating and may keep those weirdoes away this time.  We'll see... But please recommend The LG Report to all your Facebook friends (except the weirdoes...)

Don't make us beg (although we will if we have to...)  If you "Like" The LG Report we promise to behave ourselves and not deface your page....

SOME UPCOMING LG REPORT HIGHLIGHTS (Yes, again with the yellow)

These are going to be good:

• An interview with the lovely, talented and witty Patty from Montana, the second in our 50-state series of interviews. Also, other exciting state interviews await, such as Rhode Island (actual size);
• For Mother's Day, one of the best stories you'll ever read of a mother getting the last laugh on her wise-ass son (that would be me).  And we do mean literally -- the last laugh; and, finally, 
• An EXCLUSIVE interview (you'll have to click in to see why) with the cast of MTV's "The Jersey Shore."

On a personal-ish note, as a resident of NYC, I was disconcerted by the car bomb attempt in Times Square.  Luckily, the guy didn't use a Toyota  -- that would've been really dangerous!

That's it for today folks.  Thanks again for reading and please keep clicking back. Please, please fall in "Like" with us on Facebook -- and tell all your friends!

Out of Africa: My Jackpot Arrives Via E-Mail!

I don't mind admitting that I'm pleased to have achieved a certain international notoriety for being a man of integrity and honor.

I know this is true because I receive numerous e-mails from individuals in Africa telling me that they've heard of my reputation. Yes, it's flattering.

Coincidentally, I also have a number of previously-unknown relatives who have died in Africa, leaving me significant inheritances. I consider myself quite a diplomatic person, and would like some day to be named U.S. Ambassador to the country of Africa -- if Sarah Palin doesn't beat me to it.

Recently, I received this e-mail and decided that it was time that I acted to claim my fortune from the shores of the Dark Continent:
_______________________________________________________________________________

FORM THE DESK OF MR.DANIEL JOHNSON
DEAR I WILL BE GLAD IF YOU CAN HELP ME
Dear Friend,

With due respect to your person and much sincerity of purpose I make this contact with you as I believe that you can be of great assistance to me. My name is MR.DANIEL JOHNSON, from Ouagadougou Republic of BURKINA FASO, West Africa [Editor's Note: Seen on map above.] Presently I work in the Bank as telex manager.

An Early Model Telex Machine.

I have been searching for your contact since you left our country some years ago .I do not know whether this is your correct email address or not because I only used your name initials to search for your contact in the internet .In case you are not the person I am supposed to contact , please see this as a confidential message and do not reveal it to another person but if you are not the intended receiver, do let me know whether you can be of assistance regarding my proposal below because it is top secret.
I am about to retire from active Bank service to start a new life but I am sceptical to reveal this particular secret to a stranger . You must assure me that everything will be handled confidentially because we are not going to suffer again in life.
It has been 10 years now that most of the greedy African Politicians used our bank to Launder money overseas through the help of their Political advisers. Most of the funds which they transferred out of the shores of Africa was gold and oil money that was supposed to have been used to develop the continent. Their Political advisers always inflated the amounts before transfer to foreign accounts so I also used the opportunity to divert part of the funds hence I am aware that there is no official trace of how much was transferred as all the accounts used for such transfers were being closed after transfer.
I acted as the Bank Officer to most of the politicians and when I discovered that they were using me to succeed in their greedy act, I also cleaned some of their banking records from the Bank files and no one cared to ask me because the money was too much for them to control. They laundered over $10Billion united states Dollars during the process .As I am sending this message to you, I was able to divert more than Hundred and Fifty Million Dollars ($150m) from the boom to an escrow account belonging to no one in the bank. The bank is anxious now to know who is the beneficiary to the funds because they have made a lot of profits with the funds.
It is more than Eight years now and most of the politicians are no longer using our bank to transfer funds overseas. The Hundred and Fifty Million Dollars ($150m) has been lying waste but I don't want to retire from the bank without transferring the funds to a foreign account to enable me share the proceeds with the receiver. The money will be shared 60% for me and 40% for you .

There is no one coming to ask you about the funds because I secured everything.I only want you to assist me by providing a bank account where the funds can be transferred. You are not to face any difficulties or legal implications as I am going to handle the transfer personally. If you are capable of receiving the funds, do let me know immediately to enable me give you a detailed information on what to do.

For me, I have not stolen the money from anyone because the other people that took the whole money did not face any problems. This is my chance also to grab my own but you must keep the details of the funds secret to avoid leakages as no one in the bank knows about the funds. If you are honest and capable of handling the transaction,

Please supply me the following:

Your current contact address and Telephone Numbers..

I shall intimate you on what to do when I get your confirmation and acceptance. If you are capable of being my trusted associate, do declare your consent to me.

Waiting for your urgent response.
Yours Faithfully, MR .DANIEL JOHNSON

PLEASE RIPLY ME ON daniel.johnson1313@gmail.com

________________________________________________________________________________

Luckily for Mr. Johnson, this e-mail fell into my hands, even though it wasn't intended for me. I surmised this because he referenced the recipient's visit to Burkina Faso, and I have not yet been. But I intend to make it my first stop after being appointed ambassador.

Here is my "riply" to him (note: I tried to approximate Mr. Johnson's unique style of African English):
_______________________________________________________________________________
Form the Desk of LG

Dear Esteemed Mr. Daniel Johnson,

Thank you for corresponding forthwith to my intimate self. The honor greatest would be mine to transact this most important business with someone as exalted as a Bank Telex manager. I am the 8-Track Tape Department manager at my local Best Buy Store, roughly your American equivalent.
I am most happiest that all of the Greedy politicians have fled Africa so that you could steal the remainder of any monies that they neglected to plunder. You are an honest thief of the highest order, and, without a doubtless wonder, the most trustworthy Telex manager I have ever crossed e-mails with. Thank you for assuring me that we will not suffer in life. I have been waiting for this rightly.
At first me thought that your proposed 60% - 40% allocation was untoward, but now hence I am in agreement total. You are an honorable man for knowing that I am an honorable man. It is my honor to make your distant and honorable acquaintance. My contact information exists as such:

Telephone number: Murray Hill 8-4790

Bank Information: Citibank Account No. 93998203984-81

ATM Card PIN Code: CLOONEY

Home Address: 845 Maple Avenue, Muncie, Indiana

Times I'm Usually Out of My House: 1 pm - 5pm

Where I Hide the Front Door Key: Under the "Welcome" mat

Combination to the safe in my house (basement): 14-34-77

Social Security Number: 122-22-8888

I trust this establishes the deep bond between us that you have sought, and my honorableness can no longer be doubted. The peoples of Burkina Faso and the United States are closer friends thanks to our duo. You are a good man and rightful to allocate $150 million of African development money to us. The Bank owes you this for years of hard work slaving over a hot Telex machine.

Most Sincerely Honorably,

LG
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POSTSCRIPT: A little bad luck has befallen me lately. I went to make an ATM withdrawal yesterday, and Citibank informed me that my account balance had been reduced to zero. I'm sure it's just a computer error on their part. I tried to explain to the branch manager that I'd soon be receiving $150 million into my account, $56 million of which would be mine to keep, but he didn't seem to believe me. They showed me the door.

Next, when I returned home, I was shocked to find that someone had jacked up my house from its foundation and moved it away --- to where, I don't know. I guess you could say my house was stolen. The foundation and basement remained, but my safe was gone.

This must just be a temporary streak of bad luck, once my $56 million arrives I'll be set for life. I just sent a Telex to Mr. Johnson, I'm sure it'll all be straightened out soon....