Some Recent LG Tweets

LG knows that many of you don't use Twitter.  And those who do use it don't necessarily follow LG (but if you'd like to, his Twitter handle is @LazarusNYC and you can click HERE to follow).  So here's a sampling of some of LG's recent Tweets for our reading pleasure:  

Divers in Italy have found 8 more dead bodies in the wreck along with Mitt Romney's presidential chances.

French police are so cuisine conscious that they only use fresh pepper spray, never from a shaker.

I thought this was a day to honor Jennifer Lopez's best attribute then I realized it's ASH Wednesday, not ASS Wednesday.

Chuck Norris should just punch Iran.

Trivia: Fat Tuesday got its name because it's Kirstie Alley's birthday.

Breaking: Chris Brown asked Rihanna on a date yesterday. Problem: He wants to take her to Battery Park.

Brilliant strategy: Rosie O'Donnell is now officially too big to fail.

In 40 years, I'll bet that Bon Iver looks like Burl Iver.

If Old Navy had to fight a war they'd use those canons that shoot t-shirts at basketball games. It's true.

My friend started a law practice on a tight budget. It's called "The Law Cubicle of Jonathan Reynolds."

I wonder if former Iranian Olympians say "I ran for Iran? "

CNN reports that 30 prisoners escape after riot in northern Mexico. But all 30 were quickly killed by drug lords roaming free.

Italian authorities seek an expert in raising a big object to right the Costa Concordia. They just hired Rosie O'Donnell's personal trainer.

 

I tried Scientology but it was too hard to understand so I now am a follower of PhysEd-ology. 

Updating Some Old Scams

LG knows that you've received scam e-mails from Nigeria seeking to separate you from your money.  And, really, who can blame the honorable Mr. Ben Oyolajuanau for trying?  Don't we all have long-lost relatives who died suddenly in Africa, leaving us a fortune in oil money?  And aren't our names and e-mail addresses readily available to honest bank managers in Burkina Faso who are stuck overseeing millions of dollars after scoundrels have embezzled from the bank and fled, leaving us as the manager's only hope to get the money liberated?

Well, actually, no.

And there's the rub.  Our African friends need a bit of help tailoring their scam pitches to American audiences.  So here's LG's attempt at extending an olive branch and helping to bring the world closer together one swindle at a time.  After all, these budding Madoffs deserve their fair shot at the American Dream, even if they're not Americans. 

LG suggests that his African brothers consider adapting these new scams, aimed at specific Stateside audiences, in order to score big.

Targeted Towards Women

Dear Ms. Smith,

I am a shoe store manager here in Sioux City [LG's Note: Most Americans have heard of "Sioux City" but nobody really knows where it is and certainly nobody lives near it.  Just convincing enough to reel in the big fish!]

Our store owner has absconded [LG's Note: Use of ten-cent words will impress and fool average Americans who don't suspect foreign con men are this sophisticated; not you of course, you're an LG Report reader and therefor smart!] with all of our credit card receipts and cash and I've been left to face the creditors alone.  These ruthless people are pounding on the door, even kicking it with their big, smelly size 12 shoes [LG's Note: Another realistic detail; only a real shoe clerk would note someone's shoe size.]

I was given your name by a nice man who says you were once generous to him and are an honorable person. I have hundreds of pairs of Manolo Blahniks here in the store.  Like these:

I've been roasting these shoes over the heater and eating them for sustenance. If you would just send me your credit cards and all the cash that you can get a hold of ASAP, I would be happy to release all of these shoes to you.  I'll even have them sent UPS for next day delivery. Oh, and please throw in your social security number and mother's maiden name for good measure.  And any jewelry that you can spare.  When these Manolo's arrive, you're going to be the envy of your town, girlfriend!  You go girl!

Targeted Towards Working Professionals

Hello there hard-working professional.  I know you enjoy your daily cup(s) of Starbucks.  Well I'm a barrista who recently inherited a whole store full of Starbucks when our owner, childless and unmarried, died from a caffeine overdose.  Nobody knows how this could've happened.  Anyway, I have thousands of dollars in Starbucks gift cards, which would allow you to buy treats like these:

Yes, all of them at once, without even taking out a mortgage!  We'll even teach you the Italian names for these drinks. Hint: Venti means "Idiot Who Drops $4 on Coffee" and "Grande" means "Bigger Idiot."  Apt names for anyone who spends that kind of coin on a cup of Joe, don't you think?  Anyway, please send me all of your financial information, including account numbers and PINS, and I'll get these Starbucks gift cards to you ASAP (and don't think I'm calling you "a sap," either, you're not.)

Thanks for your support of barristas everywhere!

Targeted Towards Men  

Hi, I'm Crystal Amber Tiffany Leigh.  I'm a server at Hooters, an upscale restaurant.  I'm sure you've heard of us.  Well, anyway, I dropped my car keys down my cleavage and now I can't get home.  Are you still reading down here?  Please look down here sir and stop staring at the photo.  I can assure you that those are real ... chicken wings on that plate. So anyway, as I was saying, I need ... ah, shoot, why should I even bother making up a BS story, just send me your wallet as soon as you can and I'll e-mail you more photos, deal?  I thought so.  Don't worry, I won't tell your wife.  Thanks. 
__________________________________________

Dear Scammers: If you decide to use any of these, please cut LG in for 10% of all profits.  He'll send you his bank information so that you can deposit the money directly. 



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Doctored Headlines

LG pulled these headlines off of AOL News tonight (yes, they're real).  The first line is the actual headline (in blue) and the line immediately below is LG's attempt at humor... If you have better suggestions, please leave them in a comment, this is wiki-comdey folks!

Army Veteran Mistakenly Declared Dead Four Times

 But Still Elected Mayor of Chicago!

Former Detroit Representative Allegedly Part Of Major Drug Ring

 Declares in Court: "Hey, at least I had a job, unlike a lot of people in Michigan"

Romney Skips To Minnesota Amid Talks Of Big Endorsement

 Sets Guinness Book Record for longest distance skipped!

U.N. Debates Tough Demands On Syria, But Lacks Military Options

 Considering Holding Next U.N. Debate in Syria to Put Warring Parties to Sleep

Frying Pans Help Save Trapped Costa Concordia Officer

Cruise line now considering making frying pans captain of newest ship

Fying pans can be seen on the deck directing women and children to the lifeboats.  Photo Taken by Captain Schettino

Recent LG Tweets

LG had a really great idea for today's post...but he didn't get around to writing it.  Thus, he's recycling some of his recent Twitter comments (or "Tweets" for those of you living under a rock) for your reading pleasure.  Enjoy!
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The captain of the Costa Concordia admitted that he was using a Mayan compass.

Breaking: The Czech Republic, in order to seem more modern, is changing it's name to The Pay Pal Republic.

I said to manager of Home Depot: There's no mirror in the self-check out lane, how do you expect me to check myself out?

Breaking: Arizona accepts $20 million a year to rename state "Arizona Iced Tea." .......... Psych, no it didn't, early April Fool's!

If I were a physical therapist who was really into his job, I'd drive a PT Cruiser.

New campaign slogan: Newt Gingrich - Not as big a piece of crap as you thought!

This is year of the Dragon, was year of the pig in 2011 and in 2010 year of Rosie O'Donnell.

I got arrested for streaking thru Chinatown. Turns out it wasn't Chinese "nude" year, I mis-heard that one. Oops.

If we are what we eat, I just met a guy who must gorge himself on Prick Oven Pizza.

My wife says I spend 68% of my time on Twitter + Facebook. That's surprising, I forgot I had a wife.

Newt Gingrich is sponsoring a golf tourney in Georgia in honor of his marriage: The Atlanta Open.

If I could only invite one historical figure for Thanksgiving dinner it would be George Washington Carver.

Italian Coast Guard is seeking a way to raise a very heavy load that is on its side. They've contacted Rosie O'Donnell's personal trainer.

Gingrich = He drinks "Gin" and he's "Rich." Damn that extra "g" in the middle, ruins my joke.

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More Walmartians Have Landed

Here's a look at some more Walmartians with LG-supplied captions (wouldn't be any fun to just use the ones that came with the photos...)   Enjoy!

This guy is stocking up for the party to celebrate him being named "Father of the Year" in his state.  The kids is giving the thumbs up sign while asking if anyone knows where the condoms are stocked.

Sometimes the wait for a sales clerk to help you figure out which brand of pork rinds to buy can seem interminable at a Walmart.  Or are they now selling John Goodman mannequins for home use?

Quick, is this person walking towards or away from the camera?  Answer immediately!  On second thought, is it a person?  Raccoons generally don't carry key chains.  Or is that a leash?

This shirt was trying to give its owner a message.  It was just a plain gray t-shirt when she put it on that morning. 

LG thinks we may have seen this photo, or a similar one, in a previous edition but he can't bear to go back and look at the older photos.  This is a bizarre photo on many levels, including the fact that they woman is looking at a DVD titled "How to Train Your Child-Dog."  If this photo had a theme song, it would be "Stop Dragging My Heart Around," by Stevie Nicks.  This "Mother-of-the-Year" candidate will be at the party being thrown by the dad in the first picture above.
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Today is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.  If you're moved to do something in honor of Dr. King, how about clicking HERE and voting for LG's entry in a contest run by USA Today?  The paper has asked readers to write a speech that they think MLK would give if he were alive today.  When you click on the link, push the "rate it" button and then you'll find LG's entry.  It's titled "The Dream Lives On."  The winning speech will be published in Friday's edition of USA Today and at www.usatoday.com.  LG promises to vote for you if you enter a contest.  Thanks!


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The People of Walmart Invade Again

LG is dusting off another stack of photos of illustrious Walmart patrons.  Let's have at it:
 

This is the latest style in Asia: A combination black-belt karate robe and a sumo wrestler's outfit.  Oh, and it's complimented with a martial arts version of Depends adult diapers.  Note: This is not a recommended outfit to wear when you're worrying about accidentally releasing a shart. 

It appears that a breast-feeding baby is still attached to this woman's breast.  Or, possibly, she grew up near a nuclear power plant and now has a leg growing out of her chest.  In any case, this is a rare sight: Someone buying a whole case of Sierra Mist!  That's weird.

 Not really sure why this photo is in here, LG sees nothing out of the ordinary. 

How is this gentleman able to control his animal urges in the face of such sweet temptation?  It's like a flabby Valentine's Day heart with low-hanging boobs.  Hopefully this man has some protection in one of those cargo pockets.

It's nice to see the store manager's parents coming to visit on Gradiation Day. Hopefully the manager is a woman and she looks gradiant in her Gradiation Dress.



One last image for today folks.  It's not from a Walmart, but it's a sign seen in the window of another high-brow retailer: 

 

Dang, what is LG going to do with that $50 bill that he's been saving in his boxers since Gradiation Day?

Hope to see you back again soon folks!

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Another Nigerian Windfall!

As you probably know, LG is well-known and respected in most parts of the world, especially Nigeria and other parts of western Africa (Africa being one of Sarah Palin's favorite countries, of course.)  Well LG recently received another dispatch from Nigeria via e-mail.  Below is this note along with LG's comments in brackets, provided to give readers of The LG Report insights into how an internationally-known honorable man (LG) thinks, in the hopes that you too can attain this venerated status.   

_____________________
To: LG
From:  ICPC NIGERIA (Anti-Fraud Unit)

......we fight against fraud, funds delay and impersonation. [Phew, for a minute there LG was afraid this was another fraud!  And who can't love a "funds delay" fighter?!]

Head Office: Plot 802, Constitution Avenue [Good 'cuz LG only deals with the Head Office.  Constituion Avenue sounds very stately, also good.  LG never deals with people based on Constipation Avenue.]

Zone A9 Central Area  [LG is not familiar with the "Central Area," but it sounds very centrist and not too far left or right.  Also good.]

P. M.B 535, Garki Lagos

TEL : +234 805,372,9191  [Embarrassing admission: LG always has trouble dialing those commas.]

*****24HRS SERVICE *****  [Excellent, in case LG wants a burger at 3 am!]

Dear Sir/Madam,

LETTER OF COMPENSATION/SETTLEMENT.

This letter will definitely be amazing to you because of its realistic value. [LG is already amazed at this string of words which one doesn't normally find together in English!]

Sorry for the inconveniences that was rendered to you in your line of Inheritance Payment transaction with some impersonators some while ago. [Think nothing of it, LG didn't even realize that he had been inconvenienced.]

The ICPC's headquarters sign (before it was stolen)

I know that this letter will hit you by surprise, but firstly I will like to introduce myself; I am (Mr. Ayoola Olayinka) [LG knew a kid by that name in 4th grade, very common] the Legal chairman of "ICPC", (Nigeria's Anti-Fraud Unit). [That's very comforting.  Is that related to the "Anti-Funds-Delays" Unit?]

Mr. Olayinka's LinkedIn Profile Photo

 

On the 1st of October 2009, the former President of The Federal Republic of Nigeria (Chief Olusegun Obasanjo) [Wonder if he plays that banjo?  That would be a coincidence!] introduced a Commission named the "ICPC", (Nigeria's Anti-Fraud Unit) [Yeah, LG got that already in the previous paragraph; He wouldn't be inheriting all this money if he were that dumb!] which is duly registered under the United Nations (U.N.O). [LG didn't realize that "United Nations" was abbreviated with an "O" in it. Must be a French thing.] This particular Commission was initiated to detect fraud/funds delay/impersonation of Government Officials. 

Secondly, we are mandated by the US Government to settle foreign debts/fraud victims/Un-paid beneficiaries to satisfactory [Note: Your English is not satisfactory] in other to maintain peace in the world at large and also to create a good relationship with the international bodies. [Wow, LG hopes he can help out with your important work. Where should he send his banking information?]

Presently, we are being paid by the American government in other to avert beneficiary funds delays/fraud here in Nigeria. [You guys have a real problem distinguishing between the words "other" and "order."  You should work on that, as well as order problems.]

So far in this present year, we have settled the likes of (Mrs. Debbie Hargrove, Mr. Michael Wagner etc).You are being contacted by this office today dated (4th of January 2012) because your Case File (A) is the very first File on our Settlement Files Cabinet. From our intelligent investigations and Probing processes we discovered that you are a victim of fraud/funds delay. [Hot dog, finally someone realizes that LG is the victim of funds delay!!]

The "ICPC", is faithfully under my governance as the Legal Chairman of the great Commission and to this Authority I took an oath of allegiance to settle all fraud victims peacefully. [Excellent, LG knows he can trust anyone who took an oath. That's gonna seal the deal.]

This Memorandum is to notify you that you will be settled by the Nigerian Government from our initial Deposit Account. [Great, that's the account LG wanted, now he knows you're legit.] Your settlement will be actualized within 3 working days after your response to this Official Letter. [So easy, and here LG has been trying to self-actualize for years.]

LG's inheritance should be at least this much.

For further clarification/investigation kindly send the below information to us immediately:

1. Your Full name & residential address.

2. Mobile and fax number (for regular official contact) [LG doesn't stand for irregular contact.]

3. Your inheritance funds value. [Isn't that in your records?  Now LG is losing respect for your lack of organization.  Maybe LG will try to scam you and get more than he's entitled to!]

4. Amount, which you have lost previously.

These above-mentioned informations will officially enable us to carry out our verification processes and after that your compensation sum/Inheritance Funds will be Electronically wired into your designated Bank account or through a Diplomatic Delivery Service, depending on which mode you prefer. [LG prefers to be paid in Canadian lottery tickets.]

Your immediate compliance to this will expedite actions on your Payment because here in this office, we have a lot of listed victims to be settled. [And the victims list is growing daily, LG is sure...]

Call me +234 805.372.9191

Officially Signed,

Hon. Justice Emmanuel Olayinka Ayoola [Above you were simply "Mr. Ayoola Olayinka." In a few short paragraphs your name has become transposed and you've gained an "Honorable Justice" title, LG is starting to smell a rat here...]

Chairman ICPC Nigeria  [OK, LG forgot that you're associated with the prestigious ICPC, the requested information will be on its way to you shortly.  LG can't wait to get his inheritance!] 

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2011: Year-End Antique Photos...

Here are some more antique photos that LG harvested for your viewing pleasure from various second-hand stores, antique galleries, the Sotheby's Celebrity Auction, Saddam Hussein's ransacked mansions and the Royal Family of England's Garage Sale.

Snarky captions provided by LG Productions, Inc.  They're fully copyrighted worldwide so please don't try to impress your friends on New Year's Eve by stealing these without our permission.

OK, you have our permission. You drive a hard bargain.

"I hope our baby will grow up to be normal despite looking like a stunted mushroom flanked by two kids.  People in 70 years won't realize that 12-year olds were parents in our day. Stop laughing, this chair would've been worth $15,600 in 2011 if Uncle Stanley hadn't flattened it in 1948.  Too bad Pilates hadn't been invented yet."

"What a great photo of our Woolworth's-bought artificial flowers!  Oh, wait, there are people back there too."  

Notice her slip?  That was considered revealing back in the day, but, it was understandable since she was a 1960's porn star on Super 8 film.  Why is that raccoon sleeping on her head and why is he wearing a shoelace around his neck?  These people later divorced.  She got custody of the flowers, he got the drapes.

"If anyone laughs at this ridiculous tie that I'm wearing in 65 years when they see it on the internet, I'll haunt them because I'll be dead by then.  I'm posing with my meanest 'I'll be dead by the time you see this on a blog' look right now.  Is my zipper undone?  This isn't really a tie, it's two large green beans hanging down off my neck.  You'll call them something fancy like 'edemame' someday.  Stop looking at my large hands and high waist. I'm haunting your basement right now, don't come down here.  Boo!"

"Oh what jokers we are here in 1923, faking like Hurricane Katrina came through this part of Mississippi and upended us all!  You can tell it's fake, however, because we're smiling and not looting flat-screen TVs.  Plus, we're about 85 years too early for the real Hurricane Katrina, but this is hysterical by our early 1900's standards.  Where was 'Saturday Night Live' when you needed it?  And how does our hair and wooden teeth look? We hope our corsets aren't showing.  This photo should attract some fun-loving men in 75 years when internet dating becomes all the rage." 

That's it for this year folks, thanks for your support throughout 2011 and for stopping by today.  The LG Report wishes you all the best in 2012, may it be your happiest year yet!


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A Restaurant Recommendation

Yes, we still have a cache of antique photos to plow through, but LG is taking another detour tonight before pressing on with those.  He has a restaurant recommendation for you.  Still trying to figure out what "cache" means? Nah, you read The LG Report, you're smart-ish! 

LG recently discovered an excellent tapas  place (click on the word "tapas" in case you're not familiar with that particular cuisine) and he'd like to share it with readers of The LG Report. 

This establishment has a wide variety of excellent small plates.  You can sample everything from appetizers to desserts.  The atmosphere is always lively, the servers are friendly and, best of all, the small plates are always FREE!!!!  It's called Costco  and there's probably one near you.  Here's a photo of one of their most excellent serving stations:

 

Full disclosure: Mrs. LG accused LG of elbowing an older gentleman into a display of cereal boxes in order to get the last strip of sizzling, crispy, mouth-watering, center-cut bacon on offer from the tapas server.  LG is sure that he heard the unfortunate octogenarian say that he was feeling dizzy because his Canadian-bought internet medication was failing just before the dust-farter took a header into Cap'n Crunch's groin.  Check the store security camera, LG doesn't lie (especially when he knows he's just outta site of the security camera...) 

OK, that's it for tonight folks, an excellent restaurant tip that both your stomach and pocketbook will appreciate!

A New Photo and Some Facebook Wisecracks...

LG is going to take a break from the antique photo theme that he's been milking like an old Guernsey in Iowa (Midwestern friends: Did that even make sense?) and hit you with a much more recent photo.  Although be forewarned: LG has plenty more antique photos to post in the near future so don't think you're off ye olde hook yet.  

As you may have noticed, LG is adopting a shorter post format: Get you in, get your laughs and get back on the road.  Nobody makes any money if you're loitering around here.

Mrs. LG recently told LG that she doesn't think he quite has the feel for married life yet.  Apparently, one is supposed to shed the ways of bachelorhood, i.e. no more being selfish, self-centered, greedy, arrogant, etc.  Now it's supposed to be about FAMILY and not just the individual.  So LG, trying to embrace this altruistic one-for-all-and-all-for-one philosophy, volunteered to purchase and hang the family Christmas stockings this year.  Mrs. LG was not too happy with LG's (also known as Lazarus or Laz) efforts for some reason:

Oh well, LG will keep working on it...

We leave you with some recent posts from LG's Facebook account.  This is all original material written by LG, but he hereby gives you permission to use any of it on your own Facebook page or on your Twitter feed (not that you'd want to, but LG is offering in an effort to appear less selfish). 

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Here's a great low-cost gift idea that just came to me. Ask a male friend if he'd like to experience a holiday ballet for free. If he says yes, kick him square in the groin and yell "Terrific, please enjoy The Nutcracker!" Then stand back and watch him double over in pleasure. A great way to spread the joy of the season!

Good news: The FBI just announced that the rate was down 4% in the United States last quarter for violent crimes such as murder, rape and horsing around.

Jerry Sandusky needs better legal advice. He tried posting bail today with $250,000 worth of Hershey's Bars.

I wanted to see "The Descendants" tonight but my wife didn't. Finally, she gave in and agreed to go. To reward her, I'm buying her a gift certificate for 5 speedboat rides. [Note: This will only make sense if you saw the movie.]

Michelle Bachmann pledged tonight that if the majority of Herman Cain's supporters agree to vote for her, she'll close the U.S. embassy in East Germany.

My personal opinion: Where Herman Cain really went wrong was when he leaked to the press that his vice presidential running mate would be Hugh Hefner.

Herman Cain suspended his presidential campaign today. He figured out that if all the women who alleged that he sexually harassed him refused to vote for him, it would be mathamatically impossible for him to win.

Our town is getting ridiculous with cost cutting and budget reductions. For the annual holiday party, the only person who they could afford to play Santa was Jerry Sandusky. Too soon?

 

The Old Photo Train Rolls On...

Mrs. LG dragged ole LG to another antique store this past weekend, although, truth be known, he's going more willingly these days due to the various treasures he's finding.  LG stumbled upon another cache of old photos, so he made a few more purchases for the viewing pleasure of readers of The LG Report.  You're welcome.  Don't mention it.  

But, before we get to some of those pictures, we have two quick orders of business. 

FIRST, LG must report on another "I Love Lucy" moment with Mrs. LG this weekend.  As some of you know, LG equates living with Mrs. LG, at times, to being married to Lucille Ball (or at least her character in the TV show.)  It's all very enjoyable, of course.  Please keep in mind, this is 100% true.

+++++++++++++++++

The Scene: Saturday night, in the car, pulling away from our friends' house, where we had just enjoyed a delicious meal and very fun evening with Kristy and Rich. 

The Dialogue:

LG: Check to make sure you have your phone, you're always leaving it somewhere.

Mrs. LG: It's right here in my pocketbook, I have it, no need to worry.  [10 second pause]  Oh, wait, what's this, I have another iPhone too.  How did I get two phones?  I must've taken Rich's phone by accident. Yes, this is Rich's phone.  I was looking at it after dinner.  We have to go back. 

[Note: LG is accustomed to having to return to places shortly after we've left]

+++++++++++++++++

When we got back, Rich was waiting in his garage for the safe return of his kidnapped iPhone (which, LG believes, was issued by his employer and, even if not, is certainly critical to Rich's work.)

Mrs. LG, in order to be a wise-ass (she comes by that on her own, don't look at LG...seriously), said to Rich "Can I just hold onto it for a few days, I'd like to try it out to see if I like this new 4S phone." 

Rich, as you'd expect, was a incredulous and quickly explained that he needed the phone for work and couldn't loan it to Mrs. LG, even just for a few days.

All true.  

SECOND, LG is not in the business of shilling (not for others that is; certainly he shills for himself and The LG Report), but he has a piece of information that he feels he must pass on.

LG's friend Deb left her high-powered job in the financial services field a few years ago to start a business selling "Victory Cakes." These are heavenly creations (the words "cakes," "muffins" and "cupcakes" don't do them justice) based on recipes created by Deb's great grandfather, a master baker who came to the United States from Northern Ireland long ago.  Here's what one looks like close up:

These babies come in many flavors and all are truly scrumptious.  They're moist and flavorful and create an absolute explosion of delight in your mouth.  Honestly.  Victory Cakes make great end-of-year holiday gifts for clients or hard-to-buy-for friends and relatives.  They're also terrific as a desert at holiday parties and family meals. 

Anyway, if you're interested, you can check them out for yourself on the MacDougall's Victory Cakes website by clicking HERE!

Deb wanted to extend a special offer to readers of The LG Report.  Mention The LG Report and you'll get (LG is quoting Deb here so as to not screw it up): "...a free Dassie Traditional Mini MacDougall Victory Cake (Wilbur Chocolate and Butterscotch) with the order of a Petite MacDougall or 1/2 dozen Mini MacDougalls -- plus a free Irish Shamrock Holiday ornament!"

If you're looking for something unique and yummy this holiday season, you can't do better than Irish Victory Cakes.   

THIRD, we're finally at the photo segment.  We've done about three posts in a row with old photos and we still have enough for at least two more posts.  Yes, we like to milk an idea for all it's worth. Here we go:

The original Cabbage Patch Kids are seeing here in a Photoshopped (but pre-Photoshop) picture from the days of old.  Back in 1946, this was an example of cutting-edge graphics.  It would be years before scientists were able to superimpose children's heads onto cucumbers, carrots and stalks of corn.
  

Here we see the original donor for the Nerd Gene, which was recently mapped along with the rest of man's DNA. This fellow, as you can see, was one of the more smartly dressed crossing guards in all of Nerdlandia.  He was also well prepared for any sudden cresting of rivers with those high pants.

 

The caption for this photo practically wrote itself: "Oh my oh my, I do hope that one day, 70 years hence, my photo will be ridiculed on something called a 'blog' which can be read and enjoyed by people all over the world after Al Gore invents the internet.  And I wonder if science will ever solve the mystery of how my hair became the darkest thing every photographed on Earth up to this point."  

There you have it folks, another posting in the books.  More old photos coming soon, stop back when you get a chance!

And More Old Photos...

OK folks, still more antique photos from the recent thrift shop excursion:

The suggested captions here: 

1. "I hope people will know in 80 years that here during the Great Depression we had to sell the bottom third of our ties to buy food." 

2.  "I can't wait for 'Dancing With The Stars" to be invented, we're gonna kick ass!"

3. Man: "What looks more ridiculous honey, my tie, my hair or my belt buckle?"  Woman: "You forgot your pants.  When is the river expected to crest? Are those shorts that were let down?  When did Danny DeVito lend you his trousers?"

And our other photo for today:

1. John Discorelli, inventor of the Disco Dance Ball, poses with his new creation in 1952 beside his son and daughter. The original concept of mounting it on a front lawn and doing a square dance around it was later changed to hanging it from the ceiling in a darkened nightclub. 

2.  Two men enjoy their seats while a young girl stands in the hot sun during the inaugural meeting of the "He-Man Women Haters Club."  The girl grew up to be Lorena Bobbit. 

3. Three residents of Roswell, New Mexico examine a strange egg that fell onto their front lawn from a UFO in 1947.  The three were later found dead in a local stream.  Michael Jackson bought the egg in 2003 and displayed it in his home next to the Elephant Man's genitals (not as big as you'd think).

  There you have it folks.  We still have some more antique photos in the vault, so check back again soon! 

Our Next Antique Photo...

First, LG would like to thank everyone who voted for his entry in USA Today's Cartoon Caption Contest for November.  Your kind support resulted in LG winning the contest (The prize: A copy of the cartoon autographed by the artist with LG's caption under it.)  LG very much appreciated your help!

Second, speaking of captions, here's the next installment in The LG Report's ongoing series of photos recently purchased at an antique store/thrift shop.

Some potential captions for this dandy snapshot:

1.  The world's first torso implant recipient poses with his older sister in 1948 while awaiting a torso from Canada.  (Editor's note: Canada always makes things funnier.)

2. This boy is pictured asking his sister, "Do my stomach and chest look non-existent in this outfit?" 

3. This little boy is thinking "With these ridiculous, over-sized pants, nobody will even realize that I'm wearing grandma's sweater!"

4.  A girl realizes early in life that her parents don't really like face.  All of her childhood photos look like this.

5. Pictured here is Waldo McGuillicuddy, inventor of the tricycle with the build-in fishing reel on the handlebars.  Unfortunately, Waldo died in a tragic 1952 fishing/cycling accident.  Folks, please don't fish and drive!


6. Young Danny DeVito, seen here, would eventually grow into these pants and wear them quite successfully in the film "Romancing the Stone."  

If you'd like to suggest your own caption, feel free to provide it in a comment to this post.  Or just provide a comment in a comment. Or just enjoy the post silently without commenting; it's totally up to you.

Finally, we leave you with some of LG's November Facebook status updates:

I knew I shouldn't have bought my GPS at the Dollar General. Yesterday it said "Stop being a typical man and just pull over and ask directions."

Getting a bit nervous. My GPS just said "Make a right at Washington Street and then lock your doors."

People are worried about 2012 because the Mayan calendar predicts the end of the world on December 21" 2012. Relax folks, the Mayans also predicted that Facebook would merge with Yahoo in 2009 and that "Barack Obana" (they misspelled his name) would be elected president in 2004. So they were obviously way off on their prognostications. Mellow out!

My wife said that I'm spending too much time on the internet. I said "LOL!" and then I "un-liked" her comment.

If I were at a class reunion and the guys from Steely Dan showed up, I'd say (quite loudly) "I thought you weren't going back to your old school!" That would show them. [Editor's Note: If you're unfamiliar with the song, you can here it by clicking HERE.]

Who anointed "sliced bread" as the greatest thing ever at one point in time? Regardless, I'm going to buy my wife sliced bread for her next birthday and when she complains I'll just say "Hey, it was the greatest thing ever at one time, it can't be all that bad now. Happy birthday!"

Thanks, as always, for stopping by folks, we hope to see you back again soon. 

Another Old Photograph...

As LG mentioned in the last post, he recently purchased some vintage photos at a second-hand shop.  This is the second in our on-going series of  "Snarky Captions for Old Photos" (we reserve the right to change that title at any time however...)

So here's #2:

Potential captions for this one:

1. A young Jeffrey Dahmer foreshadows what would be his hobby later in life;

2. At least he's not choking his chicken;

3. The only known childhood photo of Albert DiSalvo, aka "The Boston Strangler;"

4. This kid looks pretty calm but his kitten looks all choked up;

5. The kitten didn't need that neck anyway;

6.  Little did this kid know that 50 years later, people would be making fun of his photo on something called "a blog."  If he did, he'd have choked the shiiite out of us long ago; and

7.  A rare childhood photo of the founder of the ASPCA!

OK, that's it for today folks, short and sweet.  Oh yeah, and if you haven't voted yet, please throw your support behind LG's entry in this month's USA Today Cartoon Caption Contest. Please click HERE and vote for entry #2.  LG would be most grateful.  It only takes a few seconds and they don't ask for your e-mail address or any personal information and you don't have to set up an account.

See you back here again soon for the next vintage photo....

And happy Thanksgiving everyone, we all have a lot to be thankful for, no doubt.