The 50-State Interview Series Lassos Miss Yvonne in Texas!

Today, The LG Report straps on its......spurs (what did you think, pig?!) and rides its trusty steed down to the Lone Star State to interview the incomparable Miss Yvonne, writer of the wildly popular, and very funny, Yo Mama's Blog. 

As regular readers of The LG Report (and even the constipated ones) know, this is just the latest in our on-going series of state interviews.  We've already covered Arizona,  California, Florida, Illinois, Massachusetts, Maine, Minnesota, Montana, New York, Ohio and Pennsylvania. 

Curiously, three of our interviewees to date, including Miss Yvonne and Kate, have been Minnesota natives, but only one, Pearl, still lives there.  There must be something in the snow, ice or hotdishes up there that inclines one towards blogging.    

Without further delay (if you can really consider LG's witty repartee to be "delay"), we present Miss Yvonne:

Let's Hope They Don't Sue Us  For Using Their Logo

Ms. Yvonne Did Not Make This Monkey

The LG Report:  Miss Yvonne,  you write the highly-acclaimed blog "Yo-Mama’s Blog," (subtitled “I don’t make monkeys  I just train ‘em”) which has over 500 followers and can be accessed by clicking HERE.  How did you come up with that name?  TMZ inferred recently that you might indeed be responsible for making some monkeys.

Miss Yvonne:   Despite what you might have read on TMZ, those damn dirty liars are incorrect.  I have never made any monkeys.  Yo Mama’s Blog appeared to me in a dream involving Harry Connick Jr., a rolling donut and some dental floss.  I won’t go into details here because of the delicate content of the dream, but let’s just say that I totally made that part up and the real (boring) story is that I thought it would be a funny blog title.  The subtitle is taken from the best and greatest movie ever made in the entire history of the world, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. 

The LG Report:  We see from your blog profile that you live at DFW (Dallas-Fort Worth Airport, we believe that means) in Texas.  Do you live in one specific part of the airport or do you “keep moving” as the security guards might say?

She Does Not, In Fact, Live Here

Miss Yvonne:  I like to camp out under the terminal overpasses for fun sometimes.  But I don’t actually live AT the airport.  I live in one of the suburbs of Dallas.   I’d tell you which one, but I don’t need another stalker.  Unless you bring cake.  If you bring cake, I will totally let you stalk me because ohmygod cake is my favorite word ever.  Cake.  Cake cake cake.  So happy.

The LG Report:  Yo Mama’s Blog could be construed as an aggressive or insulting name in certain parts of the country.  What does it signify in Texas?  Is it a term of endearment? 

Miss Yvonne:  Well, that’s me in a nutshell…aggressive and insulting.  Which fits because most everything in Texas can be construed as aggressive or insulting by some parts of the country as well.   I use the phrase “your mom” excessively in my daily life.  I find that it covers a wide range of insults that I can’t think of a better comeback for. 

The LG Report:  Do you think that Texas will ever rejoin the United States of America or will it remain an independent republic under President Rick Perry?

Miss Yvonne:   Well, since I’m actually from Minnesota, have only lived in Texas for 11 years and consider myself to be quite liberal and democratic, I can’t really say many nice things about Rick Perry.  He has good posture.  That’s about it. 

Unless You Want A Boot Up Yer Ass Pardner

The LG Report:  Why shouldn't we "mess with Texas" as all of those t-shirts, bumper stickers and beer can coozies (you know, those foam rubber beer can holders; we're not sure what they’re officially called...) tell us?   What's Texas gonna do to us? 

Miss Yvonne:  Probably put a boot in yer ass, if Toby Keith or half of my husband’s relatives have anything to say about it. 

The LG Report:  What's your favorite thing about living in Texas?

Miss Yvonne:  Definitely the wildflowers that grow here in the spring.  You haven’t seen beautiful until you’ve been in Texas in April.  Yep, definitely the wildflowers.  And also the margaritas.  Because duh. 

The LG Report:  Miss Yvonne, we've all heard the Texas phrase "All hat and no cowboy."  Can you explain this to us and/or give us an example of someone who is all hat and no cowboy?

Miss Yvonne:  Hell if I know what that means.  My guess is it has something to do with penises.   As in “that guy is all sock-stuffed-in-his-jeans and no big-genitals.”   I’m probably right.  I usually am.   

The LG Report:  What secret tourist attraction, unknown to readers of The LG Report, would you recommend to first-time visitors to the Republic of Texas?

Miss Yvonne:  The basement of The Alamo.   

The LG Report:  Have you ever fired a rifle at a Native American while riding a horse?  This is a New Yorker's view of daily life in Texas in case you're wondering.

Miss Yvonne:  Only once.  But in my defense, it was for charity. 

The LG Report:  Have you ever stood up and flipped over a poker table in the backroom of a saloon right before firing your six-shooter into the ceiling when you felt someone was cheating at cards?  No doubt a chunk of plaster and powder landed on your hat. 

This sign is not necessary in the other 49 states.

Miss Yvonne:  Who doesn’t?  I’m proud to say that I only accidentally shot the piano player three times.   That hooker was on purpose. 

The LG Report:  When was the last time that you actually said “Yo Mama!” to someone?  Please describe the circumstance in English, not Texan.

Miss Yvonne:  I prefer to describe it in Minnesotan….

Oh yah, so this morning I was at the gas station and dontcha know this funny lookin’ fella pulled up next to me and yelled that I was taking too long fill up my car?  Well, I just yelled back at the fella that I would be done when I was good and ready to be.  Yah , I sure did.  And the fella said if I wasn’t careful he’d bump my rear end out of the way.   So I told the fella “Oh yah?  Your mom bumps my rear end!  Yah!  You betcha she does!”. 

The LG Report:  Now we come to everyone's favorite part of the interview, where we kill off Geo locally.  We know you don't know Geo, but to know him is to want to kill him.  He shops too much and is a picky eater.  If Geo galloped into Texas on his steed, how would you knock him off:

a.  Bring him to Texas Motor Speedway to watch a NASCAR race and tell him "it's safe to cross" as you push him in front of a speeding car (preferably not Dale, Jr.'s because we want him to win);

b.  Fill his back pockets with very tasty cattle feed and then bring him onto the field at a University of Texas football game and watch Bevo, the Longhorns' mascot, fatally gore Geo in an attempt to get at the goodies;

c.  Meet him at DFW Airport and when he gets off the plane simply shoot him in the face at the gate because in Texas it's legal to shoot New Yorkers; or

d.  Feel free to come up with your own Texas-style murder.

Miss Yvonne:  I choose d:  I’d take him to a bar in any small town in Texas and yell “This guy is an illegal immigrant, loves homosexuals and gun control, doesn’t believe in God and thinks stem cell research is the best invention since abortion!” 

The LG Report:  They say "Everything's bigger in Texas."  Is there something in Texas that you wish weren't bigger?

Miss Yvonne:  My ass.

The LG Report:  Do you feel any responsibility for the Dallas Cowboys stinkin’ up the joint this year?    

Miss Yvonne:   I wish I could take responsibility!  America’s team?  Bitch, please. 

This Applies to The LG Report.  We Are Bad Asses!

The LG Report:  The LG Report loves Chuck Norris, also known as "Walker, Texas Ranger" [although we knew his spin-off series, "Walker, Rhode Island Ranger" was doomed to failure.]

We're sure you're familiar with Chuck's numerous superhuman feats.  He once won a major blog award by merely punching a keyboard and walking away.  Please tell us what Chuck Norris superhuman feat has impressed you the most.  Hopefully one that you personally witnessed. 

Miss Yvonne:  True story: my husband used to work at the helicopter airport where they filmed some of the Walker, Texas Ranger scenes.  His close proximity to Chuck Norris was the only reason I married him.  

Miss Yvonne, thanks for welcoming us onto your ranch down here in Texas for this interview, it's been a pleasure.  We're sure you have to go repair the north forty or something (we don't know exactly what that means, but we know it has import in Texas) so we'll let you run.

And don't forget folks, you should check out Miss Yvonne's very funny and cool creation, Yo Mama’s Blog , if you're in the mood for an entertaining read.

We hope to see you back here again soon!