Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Lights, Camera, Action! The LG Report's 50-State Interview Series Stops in California!

Today The LG Report hops on a plane (private, of course, we can’t travel with the unwashed masses…) and wings it out to the Left Coast to interview the mysterious and reclusive “Mr. D.”, our California representative in The LG Report’s 50-State Interview Series. Mr. D. is a partner at a major San Francisco-based law firm, but his identity has been concealed in order to avoid compromising the nation’s homeland security program (it is believed that he moonlights as a spy for Uzbekistan).

OK, no more delaying with the Golden State interview, let’s have at it….

The LG Report: Mr. D., please explain the term “Californication” to us. You can use photos if need be, just none of farm animals.

Mr. D.: I think it’s a 3-way with Barbara Boxer and Schwarzenegger. Not recommended for the inexperienced.

The LG Report: Other than San Francisco, what’s the best city in the state and why?

Mr. D.: Not sure about the city, but the best state is definitely bliss.

The LG Report: If someone were coming to California for just one day, what would you recommend that they do?

Mr. D.: The true California experience would entail sitting in traffic on the 405 en route to an elective surgery procedure in your status car that you can’t afford while aloofly refusing to interact with others or engage in any meaningful or lasting human relationships, your tanned visage staring blankly ahead as you wash down a handful of valium with a wheat grass-sushi latte, listening to the Eagles, and dodging the process server who’s working for your 7th wife (currently in rehab) who left you for a cocaine-addicted tennis instructor who claims to be an aspiring actor. And who says we lack substance?

The LG Report: Just curious, are you the Zodiac Killer?

Mr. D.: I get that a lot, but no. The truth is I was busy strangling other victims in Southern California at the time.

The LG Report: Are you by any chance the Hillside Strangler?

Mr. D.: See prior answer.

An actual photo of our interviewee, on the far left, playing with his band "Almost There."  Apparently, he had just come from his night job at Wendy's ("Eat Great Late!") and was still wearing his smock.

The LG Report: People say all Californians are nutty, drug users, wacked-out liberals, etc. What do you say to those people? We’ll wait while you exhale. That bong’s not going anywhere.

Mr. D.: [cough cough]. That’s a totally unfair and sweeping generalization. 99% of the nutty, wacked-out liberal, drug users in Cali give the rest of us a bad name.

The LG Report: Are you aware that medical marijuana was not legal throughout your college years?

Mr. D.: Yeah, whatever. I’m not saying pot should be legal; but at least be consistent in terms of how you treat all things that cause damage to society. I mean how can pot be illegal but folk dancing isn’t?

The LG Report: Have you ever smoked a “fatty” of the type that Cheech and Chong made famous in the movie “Up in Smoke?” Before you answer that, are Cheech and Chong partners in your law firm?

Mr. D.: Yes and I inhaled; but it turned out to be filled only with oregano thus preserving my presidential aspirations.

If you Google "California" and click on "Images," this photo comes up under the 10th tab.  Honest.  We're not just using that as an excuse to post a photo of a woman in a bikini to get more readers and clicks.  Really.

 The LG Report: Your governor can’t pronounce the name of your state correctly. Does that worry you?

Mr. D.: Nein, mein herr!

The LG Report: If internet superstar Geo came to California to have his footprints immortalized in the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and you were looking to harm him, would you: 1) tell him that you were conducting a dry run and encase his feet in cement before dropping him off the Golden Gate Bridge; 2) Strategically place him between a double In-And-Out Burger and Rosie O’Donnell; or 3) Send him down the Sonny Bono ski run at Tahoe?

Editor's Note: Mr. D. does not know Geo and felt uncomfortable in answering this question.  A typical California/flaky thing to do -- refuse to kill or harm someone you don't know.  It's not that way in New York, we can tell you that!

The LG Report: A bear is California’s state symbol, to some degree anyway, if you discount the Cheech and Chong fatty. Where does it go to the bathroom?

Mr. D.: It depends on if anyone’s there to hear it. (Sorry, we Californians are very metaphysical and deep so I must answer some of your questions with questions of my own.)

The LG Report: Were you present during the Manson murders? You can tell us.

Mr. D.: What?? I thought the Mansons were all still alive and well. Did somebody kill them? How awful!!

The LG Report: What do our readers not know about California that you’d like to tell them? Do not mention the Castro District of San Francisco in your answer. Thank you.

Mr. D.: It is still legal to breastfeed yourself in public in most parts of the state.

The LG Report: And, finally, if you had to come up with a new state motto for California, what would it be? Do not mention the Castro District of San Francisco in your answer. Thank you.

Mr. D.: “California: Just like granola--take away the fruits and nuts and all you’re left with is a bunch of flakes!”

This map of California shows, shaded in green, the areas where the nutty and wacked-out people live.

 Thanks for participating today Mr. D., we’re sure that your insightful answers will win tons of new clients for your law firm. Or not. Either way, we don’t really care. But we appreciate your effort, usually people like you are too busy for us.

And thanks for reading The LG Report folks!

Coming Soon:  The first lesson LG ever learned about corporate America, a photo that reveals a major difference between the sexes (sorry, it's rated "G"), and a blatant product rip-off exposed.  Click back often!

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