Here's a sampling of some of the kooky signs that LG encountered on his recent holiday.
This establishment was in the Frankfurt airport. If LG had to guess based on the breads and cakes in the display cases, he'd say this place was a traditional bakery. Oh, wait, look at the sign...apparently they have truth-in-advertising laws in Germany.
Afraid of getting Mad Cow Disease (also known by the catchy name of bovine spongiform encephalopathy) while in Europe? Then you'll probably want to take a pass on this restaurant.
Hey fellas, trying to impress a young lady on a first date? You may want to take a pass on the garlic soup.
The Clean Air movement in Germany has really taken hold. Anyone fahrting on the autobahn must exit here...
The good folks at Kellogg's probably don't have a problem with these "Corny Flakes" infringing on their copyrighted name of "Corn Flakes." They reportedly go well with a good bottle of Cokey Cola.
Speaking of colas, this "Black Jack" cola in Austria would probably sell like gangbusters in America with its catchy slogan of the "Original BJ." Please fellas, do NOT accept the imitation BJ.
Again the European truth-in-advertising laws strike. Here's a clothing store owned by followers of David Koresh.
When you see a book with the word "bastard" on the cover, you just have to take a picture of that bastard. PS We hear that Buch isn't actually a bad guy, certainly not a bastard.
Calm down ladies, this restaurant isn't named after "Jack the Ripper," it's "Jack the Ripperl," with an "L" at the end. You'll be perfectly safe for dinner here. And may we recommend that for dessert you go next door to their sister restaurant, Jeffrey Dahmerl. Try the brain-flavored ice cream.
Again, truth-in-advertising laws force this store to admit that it is "gross." At least you know that going in...
Kids in Austria don't have it too bad, they get to go to "biergarten summer camp." However, after drinking all those beers, ausfarhten is strictly prohibited in the bunkhouse!
Do you consider yourself uncultured and not much of an art expert? We've got the perfect gallery for a schmuck like you...
Forget Compton, Salzburg, Austria is the real ghetto! Who doesn't think of hip hop when they think of Salzburg?
Late at night you need to watch yourself here ladies, this bar can get a little sketchy.
This is a souvenir license plate seen in Vienna. This guy tells all the women that he's hung like a Horst.
Believe it or not, a lot of knuckleheaded tourists (not smart people like you who read The LG Report) go to Austria and ask where they can find kangaroos, confusing it with AUSTRALIA (notice the different spellings?) Thus, these t-shirts are quite popular in tourist shops (but not with the locals, who will also refuse to throw shrimp on the barbie for you and claim to have never heard of Crocodile Horst.)
At least they give you a warning that these fiakers are going round fahrten (translation supplied by LG without reference to any external sources).
In the United States the "Dorko" brand isn't likely to do well in any product area, except for maybe pocket protectors. "Hey dorkos, get your Dorkos here!"
Have you been eating a bit too much and skipping the workouts lately? Don't fret, we have just the shore store for you!
Couldn't have effing said it better myself...
Hmm, seems like they're catering to the traveler who shouldn't expect to get his room damage deposit back...
And finally, when you need a retail store name that tells customers that it's open and eager to serve them, what could be better than "Closed?" It's brilliant, "Hey customers, we're Closed!" Apparently, the names "Bankrupt" and "Go Eff Yourself" were already taken. And with that, The LG Report will be closed until the next post goes up (Vienna and Salzburg). Thanks for stopping by!