Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The 50-State Interview Series Continues with Our Maine Attraction: Eva Gallant!

[Welcome to readers linking here from Wikileaks, which just posted a confidential State Department cable revealing that the U.S. Government gets all its diplomacy tips from The LG Report!]

Regular readers of The LG Report (and constipated ones too) know that we don't normally use people's last names -- a practice which keeps lawsuits to a minimum -- but we're making an exception today for renowned blogger Eva Gallant of Maine. 

Eva writes the hugely successful blog "Wrestling With Retirement" which can be accessed by clicking HERE.

Eva graciously agreed to be the subject of our 50-State Interview Series installment on the great state of Maine.  [Yes, we're just randomly bold-facing words at the moment, please bear with us.]

For those of you who want to take a nostalgic look back, and we know there are many, here are links to interviews for Massachusetts,   Florida,   Pennsylvania,   California,   Montana , Ohio,  and the one that kicked it all off, New York.     

So, without further delay, let's put Eva in the hotseat...

The LG Report: Why are Maine lobsters so big and tasty? What makes them better than Kansas lobsters?

Eva Gallant: Everyone knows that Kansas Lobsters are wheat- fed and are raised in wheat fields. The lack of ocean water causes them to be rather dry, like Maine humor. Maine Lobsters are raised on Maine Potatoes and Maine Blueberries. Did you know Maine and Michigan grow more blueberries than any of the other states? And considering the difference in geographic size, it’s amazing that Maine and Michigan are so close in the quantities grown…whoops, did I stray off the subject there? Maine Lobsters are raised on Maine Potatoes and Blueberries and can play guitar and swim in the ocean whenever they want!

A rockin' Maine lobster shows his guitar talents.
 LGR:  Did your car break down in Maine or are you hiding from the law?

EG: Actually, I have a house arrest ankle bracelet that restricts me to the state of Maine. If I cross the border, the authorities are alerted and show up out of nowhere to escort me back.

Please note electronic ankle monitoring device on right leg.  They come in five colors to match any shoe.

LGR:  The Maine winter. Please explain.

EG:  Maine has two seasons: Winter and summer. Summer arrives July 1st and makes its exit on or about July 23rd.

LGR:  Rumor is that there is no "Eva Gallant," and that you're really Stephen King. Please respond. And please don't drop a bucket of blood on us for asking.

EG:  It’s a valid question, since Stephen King is the only Maine Writer that anyone outside of the state has ever heard mentioned. In reality, I’ve never met him, but my best friend from high school’s ex-husband took a writing class with him back in the 60s before he became famous. Does that count?

LGR:  Are you related to "Gallant" of the "Goofus and Gallant" feature in Highlights Magazine, a staple of every dentist's office? If you'll recall, Gallant always did the right thing, and Goofus was always getting in trouble. Can you tell us about one of your own Goofus moments in life?

EG:  Most of my Goofus moments can be found on my blog. Click  HERE  or HERE  to read about two of them.

LGR:  What's the best tourist attraction in Maine, one that should not be missed by any of the 468,567 readers of The LG Report who'll descend on your state this summer after reading this interview? Please give us something that only a local would know.

EG:  Probably the “Seven Wonders of God’s Creatures," in Houlton, Maine. It’s truly unique and something you would find nowhere else!

 [For more information on this unique Maine tourist attraction, please click HERE. ]

Of course, if it’s just plain beauty that you’re looking for, Maine is loaded with beaches, lighthouses, rocky cliffs overlooking the ocean, I could go on and on. Acadia National Park would be the best place, but even President Obama knows about that place. I don’t think he’s visited the Seven Wonders.

LGR:  Did your husband's last name create unrealistic expectations among your family before the marriage?

Eva's competition fighting for business back in the day.
EG: They were just relieved that I was finally done walking the streets with my mattress on my back.

LGR:  You are wrestling with retirement. Have you ever accidentally touched his junk while wrestling? Don't be embarrassed to reveal the truth, nobody really reads The LG Report anyway.  This is just between us.

EG:  Accidently? (Giggle) Never! But I can tell you, that’s some tired junk!

LGR:  If you couldn't live in Maine, what state would you live in and why?

EG:  The state of constant inebriation; ‘cause I couldn’t face life outside of Maine for a very long period of time any other way!

Geo tries to avoid his fans with a disguise
 LGR:  We know that you don't know Geo, but for this question, just assume that to know him is to want to kill him. If Geo came to Maine and asked you to be his tour guide, how would you accidentally knock him off:

a. Take him onto a boat and induce him to crawl into a lobster trap to get a better look and then slam it closed and throw it overboard after jabbing him a few times with your sailor's knife?

b. Get him the first spot in line at the LL. Bean Outlet in Freeport on Black Friday so that he will be trampled to death by bargain hunters?

c. Upon first meeting, shoot him in the face with your 12-gauge and then simply say to the police "Sorry, I thought he was a moose. But he's from New York, so who cares?"

Note: If you have another creative Maine-centric way to kill Geo please let us know.

EG:  I kinda’ like “C” but it would probably be easier to just take him up north and leave him in the Allagash. If the bears don’t get him, come spring the black flies will!

LGR:  Do you ever get sick of all those businesses with names based on puns of the word "Maine," like "Maine Event," "Maine Street," "Trim Your Maine" and "Maine-ly Clothes?

EG:  There are 25 businesses based on that pun in my area phonebook alone! I Maine-ly ignore them!

LGR:  Do you ever plan on moving back to the United States?

EG:  I thought I might retire there……whoops, I’m already retired. Oh, well, maybe in my next life!

LGR:  Would you consider yourself to be Maine's #1 blogger? You have this honor according to The LG Report.

EG:  That’s a pretty good possibility, since only about 5 households in Maine actually have electricity, and if you don’t count the blogs sent by smoke signals.

That's it for this posting folks, our warmest thanks to Eva Gallant for being our main Maine interview subject and discussing Maine-stream issues with us.  Eva will receive the same LG Report gift that all of our other interview subjects have received, namely "stu gots" as our Italian friends would say.  And if you have some time, please check out Eva's Blog, it's very entertaining.

We thank everyone for stopping by and we hope to see you here again soon!

Friday, November 26, 2010


It's the day after Thanksgiving and leftovers are everywhere, even here at The LG Report.  Strictly speaking, these aren't actual leftovers, but they feel that way, so we're going with it.

Let's face it, you're so leftover-fatigued by now that you won't know the difference. 

Yesterday started off with LG's sister, MIG, ordering him (she was channeling her inner drill sergeant) to go to the store, on an Emergency/ASAP basis, to buy a turkey baster.  MIG was preparing a Thanksgiving dinner for nine people and she had no turkey baster.  Apparently LG wasn't moving fast enough, because she called him a name that sounded like a derivative of the word "baster."

If LG ever prepares a full Thanksgiving dinner for nine people (highly unlikely), here will be his shopping list:

1. Turkey
2. Turkey baster
3. The rest

As you most likely know, only fools go to the supermarket to buy last-minute items on Thanksgiving Day. 

LG went to the supermarket to buy last-minute items on Thanksgiving Day. 

She's smiling now.  Wait until he pulls out the AARP card.

Here's what LG really loves: When he's in line at a checkout behind someone who appears oblivious, as if they've just smoked a Cheech-and-Chong-style fattie, while the cashier rings up an order that could feed the Fifth Battalion.  Then, when the tabulation is complete, the customer appears shocked that they're expected to produce payment.  It's only at this point that the clueless dope begins rooting around to find their form of payment.  This process usually takes several minutes.  And, in the case of many women, as we've covered previously in this space, it results in the emergence of the dreaded checkbook


Pull up a chair and take a load off, you'll be here a while.

The whole supermarket-on-Thanksgiving experience sucked.  Of course, LG won't have to worry about it next year, because after MIG reads this, here's where he'll be eating his next Thanksgiving dinner:

We hear that the Grand Slam Turkey Dinner is not so bad.

Noit Update: Some of you know Noit and/or will remember the story of how he landed in the hospital following a fall from a tree last month.  We're happy to report that Noit is in a rehab center and progressing nicely.  He will, hopefully, be home before Christmas.  He certainly has learned his lesson: Noit is so cautious now that he won't even look up his family tree (ba dump.)    

Here's a photo from LG's visit with Noit last week:

Noit uses his bandaged arm to wrestle with a donut. Nutritional therapies are clearly not part of his recovery process.

Our last item of the day:

Notice the "Throwback - Made with real sugar, Limited time only" claim?  Back in the early 1980s, LG worked at a 7Up distributorship for four summers.  The weathered veterans used to wax nostalgic for the old days when soda manufacturers used real sugar in their beverages (long since replaced by corn syrup, fructose and other, cheaper, sweeteners).  They said that the real sugar soda tasted remarkably better.  So when LG saw the Pepsi bottle above, he jumped at the chance to try it for himself.

The Verdict: Same crap.  Basically indistinguishable.  Just another corporate fraud.  Or maybe the weathered veterans were just pulling LG's leg.  Either way, don't waste your money on "Throwback" soda.  Throw it back.  That's your LG Report Consumer Tip of the Day. 

Oh, yeah, and make sure you have a turkey baster in your house before Thanksgiving Day, unless you want to stand in line behind a lady with a checkbook. 

See you back here again soon kids!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

One Nation Under Starbuck$

We don't know if you've noticed, but many of those stores that advertise "We Buy Gold, Highest Prices Paid!" are now buying Starbuck$ drinks because, on a per-ounce basis, Starbuck$ liquids cost more.  A lot more.

One of LG's strategies in offsetting the high price of Starbuck$ drinks (besides the obvious: don't purchase them, which nobody in America seems to be able to do...) is to grab at least a week's worth of free napkins for his home on the way out the door.  Sometimes, if none of the fancily-named Baristas are paying attention, LG will also grab a chair or small table to take with him.  Hey, there's no price tag on them, they must be free too!  It seems to LG that the profit margin of one of their "vente" lattes takes into account the stealing of a chair.  LG's next ploy may be to build a house out of the free coffee stirrers.   

Starbuck$ took its name from Starbuck, the first mate on the Pequod, the main ship in Herman Melville's great American novel "Moby Dick."  That's a fact, Jack.  Note: many people erroneously think that the character Starbuck was known for drinking a lot of coffee in the book.  That's not true.  At least not according to the Cliff Notes.  That was a good enough source of information for you in college, why stop relying on it now?

Here's a map of where Starbuck$ stores are located in the United States.  The light gray area shows where an actual Starbuck$ is located (the dark gray outlined areas show the boundaries of Starbuck$ sales districts):

A team of NASA astronomers recently discovered that there are now more Starbuck$ locations in the world than there are stars in the universe.

We'll leave you with a couple of Starbuck$-related images:

A typical line of Starbuck$ patrons awaiting their morning cup of Joe.  There are two more Starbuck$ across the street.  

There's enough scratch here to buy a vente latte for yourself and two more for your friends!

That's it for today folks.  Please check back again soon, we have a lot in store, including, from Maine, the next installment of our LG Report 50-State Interview Series (And you thought we forgot about that, didn't you? Sorry, no...)  

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Friday, November 19, 2010

World's Best Pumpkin Pie Recipe...And How To Tell If You're A Total Loser

[Interesting Tidbit: 87% of The LG Report readers say it's their sole source of world news.*]

*By using an odd number like 87%, we hope to make this totally-fabricated figure seem believable.


LG is not having a good day.  He went to the local McDonald's and they would only sell him a "Melancholy Meal."  They said he didn't deserve a Happy Meal. 


He's also not feeling good about that picture, just below, of a slice of delicious-looking pumpkin pie.  Linger over the photo, let the imaginary smell of warm pumpkin pie, topped with freshly-whipped cream, rise up into your nostrils, igniting a holiday sensory explosion in your brain.  Wow, that's good!

Now read on for an explanation of why this is all a despicable and cheap fraud...

Do you see that box on the right labeled "Feedjit?"  It chronicles the locations of people clicking onto The LG Report. It also, in some cases, reveals the specific phrase that those people were searching when they found The LG Report.  LG has noticed that a lot of people find us when searching "The World's Best Cheesecake Recipe."  Recipes are apparently a big hit on the internet.  If you remember that post, which can be found by CLICKING HERE, it was rather deceptive.  But in a funny way.

So we gave today's entry a title which includes the words "World's Best Pumpkin Pie Recipe" to see how many hits it brings.  You too can play along with this exciting game by checking back frequently to see how many suckers are being lured in by this deceitful ploy.  Sorry, but the click-whores in The LG Report's corporate office made us do it.  Greedy people run the world.  Goldman Sachs is rumored to be trying to purchase The LG Report.  Feel free to spread that rumor as much as you'd like.  In fact, we can probably get even more hits by typing: "Money-Making Secrets of Goldman Sachs!

Those still interested in making a pumpkin pie can CLICK HERE  to find a nice recipe from the good folks at The Food Network.  See, there is some justice in the world (although we suspect that people who were truly searching for a kick-ass pumpkin pie recipe didn't bother reading down this far.  Their loss.

Next issue:

HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE A TOTAL LOSER [which you personally can't be since you're cool enough to read The LG Report.]

Here it is, a simple test:

The LG Report thanks Chris in Boston, inventor of Kring Krang, for this photo.

If you have Facebook friended an inanimate object, such as a parking garage, then you are a TOTAL loser. Seriously, friends with a parking garage?  Do you have a weekly poker game with the local mailbox and two fire hydrants?  Are you dating a warehouse? 

And finally, we put on our National Enquirer hat for a moment to reveal the first-ever picture of Geo's love child with Tiny Tim.  [Geo, by the way, was the one who gave us the idea for the "World's Greatest Pumpkin Pie Recipe" fraud, so feel free to kick him in the junk when you see him.] 

Here he/she/it is:

The love child was spotted coming out of the apartment of his/her/its best friend, a Parking Garage.

That's all for today folks, go forth and prosper, but don't forget to check back often.  See you soon!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Two Pictures for Two-sDay

Warning: Objects may be closer than they appear in the blog.

LG is a bit disappointed today.  Last week The LG Report was up to a record 46 followers, but now we notice that we're back down to 45.  We'll let the hounds loose to track down our escapee.  We don't know who deserted us, but we'll probably find him hiding in a barn in a nearby village.  Must be a fan of San Antonio who took exception to our previous post.  Maybe he's hiding in the Alamo. 

Our tasers are set on "high" and the fugitive will be subjected to a Homeland Security-style full-body scan and an "aggressive" pat down search.  All of our guards are nicknamed "Fred Sanford" because they are not shy about touching your junk. 

The rest of you who stayed behind and didn't race through that hole in the fence will be given an extra cookie and an extra hour of TV after dinner.  We reward good behavior around here.

OK, back to our "Two Pictures for Two-sDay" theme.  In bloggerland, it's quite common to make up new (and lame) themes as needed.  Whatever works and is convenient.  LG had two pictures to post today so, presto, the new theme. 

One picture is old and one is new.  Sorry girls, but nothing here is borrowed or blue.

Here's the first shot, circa 2000:

This is a Halloween photo of good friends of LG's who live in Connecticut.  As LG recalls, they were the "Garbage Family" that year.  A somewhat random and wacky idea, but, let's be frank: it fits perfectly with this blog.  Look at the son on the left.  Have you ever seen a kid less happy to be in a Halloween photo?  LG is not sure if the Rod Stewart hair was real or a wig.  LG is pretty sure that the youngest boy, in the middle, had not graduated from anything at that point in his life, despite the graduation cap, and LG knows for a fact that the oldest, on the right, was not studying at Boston College at the time.  Overall, LG's friends did a great job with this costume.  They'd fit right in in San Antonio.  Did we just lose another follower?

This second, and final, photo of the day is quite special.  We've been told by New York art dealers that we can expect it to one day hang in The Louvre or The Favre or one of those other great international museums. 

According to experts, it should fetch at auction (sometime in the next five years) between $29 million and $43 million.  An eccentric industrialist from Switzerland is the most likely buyer.  The name of this great work of photographic artistry, which LG snapped himself on Saturday, is simply "The Great Coincidence."

Here, feast your eyes:

That's all for today folks, please check back again soon.  Thanks for stopping by, as always! 


Saturday, November 13, 2010

Forget the Alamo

Note: This posting of The LG Report is not brought to you by the San Antonio Convention and Visitors’ Bureau.

LG just returned from four days in San Antonio, Texas, home of the Alamo. He was there for an insurance conference.

Most non-insurance people think of insurance conferences as being filled with golf, cocktail parties and expensive meals with clients and prospects.

Those non-insurance people would be right.  Shhhhhh.....

If you’re interested in seeing pictures from some of those events, accompanied by LG’s usual snarky captions, click onto www.plusblog.org.

Back to San Antonio.

Many cities in America are one-trick ponies. Buffalo is all about Niagara Falls.  St. Louis, the Gateway Arch. Nashville, the Grand Old Oprey. Tampa, the gentlemen’s clubs.  San Diego, the zoo.

San Antonio has the Alamo. And little else. Oh yeah, there is the Riverwalk, which is nothing more than a clever fraud to make tourists think that it’s more glamorous and charming to walk past restaurants and shops when they're alongside a man-made canal/sewer combination. It’s not a poor man’s Venice -- it’s a dead-and-decomposing man’s Venice. 

And, to top it off, as soon as you sit to eat at any of the restaurants along the Riverwalk, you’ll immediately be accosted by a louder-than-a-locomotive mariachi band playing in your ear. You will gladly pay them to go away.

The Alamo, frankly, is a disappointment. It’s much smaller and less impressive than even your lowest expectations would lead you to believe.  An Alamo Rental Car counter is more impressive. 

No wonder someone had to create the phrase “Remember the Alamo!,” because, otherwise, it would be very easy to forget. It's sort of like “Remember what you had for breakfast last Wednesday!” 

Here’s a photo of the Alamo.  The sad thing is that it's actual size:

Despite the disappointment of the Alamo, the people of San Antonio are, undeniably, unique.

On Wednesday night, LG was standing on the side of a road in dowtown San Antonio, trying to hail a cab in front of five (yes, five) police officers.  These fine law-enforcing gentlemen had, not ten minutes earlier, arrested (and possibly beaten down a bit, but we can't concern ourselves with such matters) a patron of the bar that LG had just visted (purely for blog research purposes, of course...)

As the arrest was occurring, 30 of the patron’s closest friends streamed out of the bar and into the street to follow the proceedings.  It was a very exciting evening.  LG had never been mugged, or been in a riot, but it seemed that both might very well occur that night.

Anyway, a cab came towards LG, but it didn't slow down as it neared.  This clued LG into the fact that that the cab wasn’t going to stop.  As it zoomed past LG, one of the passengers in the back seat rolled down the window (this is 100% true) and yelled at LG: “Go f*** yourself!

LG turned to one of the five police officers, about ten feet away, and said “I’ve lived in New York City for almost 20 years and that has never happened to me.”

The officer's reply: “Welcome to San Antonio.”

LG is going to forget this insult and will give San Antonio the benefit of the doubt.  He's going to go have a piece of homemade Texas pecan pie now. Alamo'd, of course....

Monday, November 8, 2010

Your Child's Career Choice

As you can imagine, a lot of parents approach LG for advice on steering their children in the right direction career-wise.  Some parents start with the Myers-Briggs personality assessment, and then work their way up to any of a number of complex testing techniques for their children.  Plenty of career counseling services are willing to take thousands of dollars from parents to help them steer their children onto a path that suits their particular personalities. 

Sometimes, however, a child exhibits a passion for a particular job long before any standardized test reveals a specific leaning.  It's LG's learned opinion that the parents of these youngsters should pick up on such clues and nurture and encourage their children in that particular career pursuit. 

LG is sure that Peyton Manning was throwing a football with authority at a young age, Barack Obama was engaging in oratory beyond his years as a child and a young Christine O'Donnell was memorizing episodes of "Bewitched."   

A few days ago, LG encountered a young man who has clearly identified and focused upon his long-term career goals.  If you'll scroll down a bit, you'll see a photo of a child who is clearly determined to be the best darn plumber that he can be when he grows up....
Now here's a boy with some concrete career ass-pirations!

That's all for today folks, a lot of work for one joke, but, hopefully you'll feel it was worth it.  The picture is real, by the way, taken by LG at a YMCA skate park two days ago...  Hope to see you back here soon!

Friday, November 5, 2010

Two Things Women Wouldn't Do

[Editor's Note:  All employees must wash hands before typing blog post.]


We all know that men and women differ in many ways.  Too numerous to count, really.  Here are two more to throw on the pile.  Both are illustrated with pix from one of LG's photo albums. 

1.  Man in Port-A-Potty

This is a photo of a pal of LG's who shall remain nameless.  LG, being a considerate friend (while being a bastard at the same time...) cropped out the bottom half of this photo.  Despite the fact that the patented "Wiener-Finder" did not show any signs of a male appendage, The LG Report Bored of Editors (yes, that's spelled correctly, not a typo) decided that decorum and discretion should rule the day.    

So how does this photo illustrate a difference between men and women? 

It was taken about five years ago, during a leisurely round of golf.  LG's anonymous friend felt the powerful call of nature knocking on his back door, if you know what we mean (and we're sure you do), and so he availed himself of the course's Port-A-Potty.  By the way: he's not a midget, he's sitting down in this picture, in case you couldn't tell. 

Yes, The LG Report has reached a new low....but only in the interest of social science.  Please don't poo poo our motives, no matter how cocky you think we are. 

Anyway, if a female foursome were golfing and one member needed to use the on-course facilities, you can bet that her three friends would stand by, guarding the outhouse from heathens like LG and his friends.  Meanwhile, this being a foursome of men, when JImmie LG's friend had to make use of the loo, one friend yanked the door open (he's not visible here, but the occupant is actually in the process of shutting the door again), while LG snapped this photo with his camera phone.  Women, we're sure, would never do this.  Men often do this.  We're all pigs in case you haven't figured it out yet. Plus, Port-A-Potties just naturally incite our desire to yank doors open.

2.  The Lying Sack Tourist

This is LG's friend Chris at the Roman Forum (which, coincidentally, happens to be in Rome) in 1993. 

Shortly after this photo was taken, LG and Chris walked over to a railing and stood looking down at a football-field sized piece of land that had been excavated, thousands of years ago, to about 20 feet below ground level.  It was, essentially, a sunken football field. About five steps to our left stood a very nice, and innocent-looking, family from the Midwestern United States.  Let's say Michigan.  No, strike that, let's say Iowa.  Iowans are inherently nice.  

It was clear that this family and their 2.5 kids were within earshot of us, so Chris, being the devious male that he is, said in a loud voice, "This is where they played Kring Krang."

What's "Kring Krang?" you ask.  Good question.  

With the family's curiosity clearly aroused, Chris proceeded to explain the rules of a game that he fabricated on the spot.  

"The players would run around in the field below while a large boulder would be perched on the edge of the precipice up here," he said.  "At some point, the king would arbitrarily push the bolder off the edge and a player below would have to try to catch it without allowing it to crush his skull.  The sound that a crushed skull would make if the player wasn't successful was 'kring krang.'  That's how the name got its name."  

Total B.S.  Total.

Chris went on to explain additional intricate rules, including how the crushed skull was scooped up and paraded around the arena.  LG saw the youngest boy in the Iowa family clasp his head as Chris spoke. 

The Iowans clearly ate up the tale.  The parents stood silently nodding and gesturing as Chris spoke.

LG should've spoken up to disabuse the innocent Iowans of this deception, but, alas, he didn't.  When in Rome, LG did as he thought the ancient Romans might do: he showed loyalty to a friend. 

A woman, of course, would've never created such an elaborate lie, letting the Iowans go home to Des Moines Des-frauded.  She would've sent them on their way with them scones and doilies.   

LG felt a bit of nagging guilt.  He knew that Kris's Kring Krang yarn was not a good thing to unleash on the Iowans.  He could imagine the youngest child explaining Kring Krang to his 4th grade class in Show-And-Tell.  So, on the flight home, LG made the universe right again by pushing open the airplane's bathroom door to reveal Chris doing his business.   See #1 above.   

Thanks for stopping by, come back soon!
The site of the mythical Kring Krang
competition.  Please do not try Kring Krang
at home folks; it's only for trained

P.S. LG has been told by one female reader that the bathroom humor in #1 above will drive away readers of the fairer sex.  If that's true, please drive yourself back soon.  We promise: no more bathroom humor until December 18th at the earliest. 

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The LGNN Cuts Through the Election Noise

All of the effective U.S. legislators gathered
in front of the Capitol Building for this photo.  

Whew, what an Election Day. 

So much transpired, nationwide, that it leaves the average voter confused.  Well, sit back and allow The LG News Network (LGNN) to provide you with just the highlights -- the essential things that every right-thinking American needs to know to make sense of yesterday's results.

Delaware - Christine O'Donnell, Tea Party-backed Republican candidate, lost her bid for a U.S. Senate seat to Christopher Coons.  O'Donnell had been dogged by reports that she was a practicing witch.  Shortly after polls closed, she came clean.

This educational
Christine O'Donnell
doll will help your
kids with their "spelling."


"Yes, I'm a witch, I can now admit it," she announced from atop the Statehouse, where she had landed her broom.  "And I'm cashing in on my 15 minutes of fame by selling these shiny new Christine O'Donnell dolls, just in time for the holidays.  And, by the way, don't tell me that you didn't know that Pelosi is a witch too!"

Senator-Elect Random Paul

Kentucka - Rand Paul, another Tea Party-backed conservative, won a U.S. Senate seat in Kentucka.  When asked what his favorite county was, the newly-elected Senator got quite testy with reporters.  "Hey, I'm Rand Paul, not Rand McNally, I don't know all the freakin' counties in this state."   When pressed, he revealed his full name:  "My legal name is 'Random Paul,' and that's the way I intend to govern," he said, shortly before announcing that he will push for legislation to outlaw the wearing of blue jeans by Americans on Wednesdays.

California - Former E-Bay CEO Meg Whitman lost her $140 million bid to become the next governor of California.  It was the most expensive governor's race in U.S. history.  "My bad," she told supporters at her election-night headquarters, "I was under the mistaken impression that the governorship was available for purchase like everything else on E-Bay. I didn't even get a chance to put in my final bid!"  Political observers commended Ms. Whitman for not running on her looks.   

Marge C. reacts to Anna Little's defeat.
And, finally, an update on Anna Little, the Tea Party-approved candidate for Congress in New Jersey's 6th Congressional District.  As regular readers of The LG Report will recall, Marge C., who can be seen endorsing Ms. Little in the clip at this LINK, was a fervent supporter.  She convinced The LG Report to officially endorse Ms. Little's candidacy with the threat of the insertion of a human appendage into the posterior ("My foot up your ass," in the vernacular.)  Unfortunately, Ms. Little did not prevail, thereby causing The LG Report's success rate on political endorsements to plummet to zero.  But hey, at least we can still sit down. 

Thanks for stopping by, see you back here soon!


Monday, November 1, 2010

The Great Summer Job Debate

[Please note: The LG Report cannot be responsible for lost or stolen articles.  Also, no shoes, no shirt, no blog.]

Periodically, LG pulls stories about his friends into The LG Report.  Today it's Jimmie's turn.  Lucky him.

Jimmie (he strongly prefers "Jim," and detests "Jimmy," and probably "Jimmie" with an "ie," but LG spells it that way to annoy him.  Just as LG refers to himself in the third person to annoy readers) is someone about whom a very entertaining book could be written.

Said book would chronicle, for example, the time, long ago, when Jimmie was walking home at 2 o'clock on a Sunday morning in Manhattan and encountered a homeless man begging for money in front of a corner grocery.  Being the compassionate person that he is, Jimmie decided to buy the fellow an apple rather than give him cash that could be used to purchase crack cocaine,  Olde English 400 or, possibly, a subscription to the Wall Street Journal and an interview suit. 

Jimmie presented this indigent fellow with the apple, secure in the knowledge that he was making the world a better place, and continued walking towards his apartment, steaming coffee in hand.  Not 10 paces down the sidewalk, Jimmie reconnected with the apple, now traveling at about 70 miles an hour (probably a curve, but possibly a slider) as it hit him smack dab in the center of his back.  The homeless man, apparently, did not want an apple.  

This is the Jimmie that we're talking about.

Jimmie is from Minonk, Illinois, which, in case you're one of the few who don't know, is in Woodford County.  Here's where it's located:

Jimmie and LG have had a running argument since college.  It's based upon who had the tougher summer job in their youth.

Wanting to play fair, LG discounts his summers of washing dishes in his dad's diners.  Hot, sweaty kitchens in July are hard to beat.  Rather, LG points to his college summer job of delivering 70-pound canisters of 7Up syrup to restaurants, bars and other establishments.

Here's an image of one of those syrup-laden behemoths:
Much heavier than it looks.

Once, LG had to deliver, by himself, 144 of these 70-pounders across 100 yards of sand to a tent on the beach in mid-July heat.  LG breaks into a sweat just thinking about it.  You should too. 

Jimmie, on the other hand, detasseled corn during summers in Central Illinois.  This involves pulling the "tassel" off the top of the corn stalk as it grew in the field.  Why would anyone bother doing this?  Wikipedia explains it if you click HERE. 

If you did click there, it's a good bet that you also watch TV Land's "Hee Haw" reruns on Saturdays at 9pm.

Jimmie claimed that it was very hot in the corn fields of Central Illinois in the summer.  But the worst part, he says, was getting his face and arms cut by sharp-edged leaves as he walked among the towering corn plants.  Here's a picture of what that may have looked like if Jimmie had been an attractive (by Illinois farm standards) girl:

On the other hand, here's what carrying those 70-pound soda cannisters felt like:

Don't worry, this man now has a job answering the phone when you call Bank of America.

So Jimmie and LG have periodically debated the "Who had the harder summer job?" point over the last 25 years or so.  About ten years ago, LG and Jimmie were out with their friend Anne one night at a bar when one of her law firm colleagues showed up.  During the customary small talk, this gentleman revealed that he had been raised in Iowa. 

"What did you do for a summer job?" Jimmie asked.

"I detassled corn," he said.

"What was the worst part of the job?" LG quickly asked.

"Oh, no doubt, getting hit in the face with the corn leaves.  Those suckers would cut your face and it hurtWorst summer job ever." 

Ouch, that stung.  His observation hurt LG's position significantly.  It was like taking an apple square in the back.

If you think you had a tougher summer job, chime in with a comment, we'd love to hear from you. 

Hope to see you here again soon.  And feel free to bring some friends!