Sunday, May 30, 2010

MIG's Memorial Day 2010 BBQ in Pictures

My sister, MIG, held her annual Memorial Day barbecue yesterday at the Jersey Shore.  The weather cooperated and we had a great crowd, although not all invitees could attend.  My cousin Alexandra commented that my interview posts are too long, so in the spirit of paying attention to readers' comments, I won't belabor the lead-in here.  I'll just post the pix and let you get the feel for what you may have missed (or replay the day for those of you who were there...)  Enjoy! 

And feel free to post a comment, "Like" The LG Report on Facebook, and/or follow LazarusNYC on Twitter (getting all the commercials in here...)  Without further adieu...

Abby and Athena smile for the camera.  In ten years these beautiful girls will be making boys cry, no doubt.

Cousin Alexandra, a REAL housewife of New Jersey, flashes her million dollar smile.  I was going to say something nice about her until she said that The LG Report's state interviews are too long.  Sorry.

Cousin Alexandra also commented that The LG Report contains "too much Geo."  Hard to argue with her on that one, although she's busted indulging in a little Geo herself in this shot.  Note Geo's t-shirt.  Nice job Geo, keep pandering and we'll keep posting pictures of you despite Alexandra's protests. 

Alexis and Abby show off the tattoos that LG gave them at the end of the night.  In years past, LG used temporary tatts, but this year he figured out how to give permanent tattoos.  Shhh...the parents don't know yet!

Alexis, Athena and Abby enjoy some balloons.  This photo was taken using the exclusive LG Deck Cam from above.

Bea, Michelle and Gail enjoy some alcoholic beverages at the barbecue.  Since the legal drinking age in New Jersey is 21, these girls can only get their booze at social events until they become old enough to drink legally in bars.

Chris, from Toledo, and Ron, from somewhere underground near the center of the Earth, mug for the camera.

Denver, Alfred, Abby and David enjoy the deck which LG slaved for hours to clean and set up meticulously.  YOU'RE ALL WELCOME PEOPLE!!!

This is cousin Emilio. If you can't afford a guard dog, print out this picture and post it around the perimeter of your property to keep intruders away.  Emilio would normally be sacked out on a  couch watching NASCAR on a Saturday afternoon, but he decided he needed a less intellectually-challenging pursuit for the afternoon.  And you thought the Jersey Devil was just a myth....

Abby, Jimmie and Sophie couldn't be at the barbecue, so they e-mailed this photo while wearing LG-endorsed rubber teeth.  Oh, wait, those are Jimmie's real teeth.  His nose, however, is believed to be fake however...or are the ears fake?

Joe, wearing a battery-powered neon pastel shirt that also purportedly comes in a men's style, is seen posing with his granddaughter   daughter wife Mary. 

Little Rosie is quite the cutie, there's no denying...

Buddy (left) and the Baddest Man on the Planet, Sergeant Dizard, are pictured enjoying a conversation.  Sergeant Dizard once punched Chuck Norris so hard that they almost had to rename his show "Walker: Texas Cripple."  Don't mess with Sarge! 

Now here's a serious barbecue attendee...Tom comes armed with his own fork (see pocket on right).  Watch your fingers when he's going at the corn on the cob.  If you can't afford a shredder, throw your old credit card statements in his way....

Stan, who mistakenly admitted to not reading The LG Report, is seen impersonating Ernest Hemingway, while Geo tries to figure out what he just took a bite out of.  Looks like cat to us.

Tom, Rosie and Angie, one of America's Cutest Families. 

Ron reacts adversely when told that we've reached the last picture in this barbecue posting.  He's not a happy camper.  Anyway, hope you enjoyed the photos, please click back soon.  And leave a comment, "like" us on Facebook and/or follow LazarusNYC on Twitter.  Thanks, and please take some time to remember those who have served our country.  Happy Memorial Day to all!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

LGR Contest: Write One Stinkin' Line That's Funny to Earn Yourself Some Money!

Did you ever attend a concert greatly anticipating one particular song and then, when the band finally gets to it, the lead singer turns the microphone outward and expects the crowd to sing?  You end up paying $250 to hear some drunk guy from Long Island screaming "Baby we were born to run!" in your ear.

It sucks, we know.

But, we're sorry to say, today's edition of The LG Report is just that: we're turning the computer keyboard out to the readers to come up with their own funny lines.   But there's a twist: the winner will get cold hard cash. 

That's right, no The LG Report t-shirts or nail clippers or toilet seat covers for the best entry.  Whoever comes out on top will get a crisp $20 bill, cold hard cash money American

That's all there is to it.  And, as always, it's 100% gluten-free with no additives.

This is a very simple competition.  It's like the "Cutest Dog Contest" except there are no dogs.  Nor pictures, nor voting.  Other than that it's exactly the same.   
Here's how it works.  We have 10 first lines below.  All you have to do is post a comment with your funny second line.  But please make sure to include the number of the line that you're following.  So, for example, an entry might say "3.  Mental note to self: never punch a guy who looks, speaks and acts like Mike Tyson and just might be Mike Tyson."

You may enter up to two (2) (II) (dos) (1 + 1) (ix-nay-two-skay) times if you'd like.  LG will be the sole judge, and a winner will be announced on Thursday, June 3rd. 

Deadlines for entry are at noon EST on Wednesday, June 2nd.  Your entries must be posted as a comment to The LG Report.   So get your creative juices flowing and start thinking of some amusing second lines.  

Without further adieu, here are the ten first lines:

1.  TKO had second thoughts, as he stood on the soup line, about spending those four years playing "Brick Breaker" on his Blackberry rather than attending class.

2.  Dion couldn't believe that it had taken him 26 years to realize that he had the same nose as the mailman

3.  As the nurse adjusted his hospital bed, Jimmie replayed the previous night in his mind and realized that challenging that guy to a punching competition wasn't so smart.

4.  It was obvious to Eggman, unfortunately, that his dog was a prolific farter and he'd have to do something about it.

5.  Geo had become such a worldwide internet sensation that when his old friend LG tried to get backstage, he was told by a beefy security guard that "Geo says he doesn't know you anymore."

6.  Brandy was a fine horse, but knowing that his relationship with her was not right in the eyes of society, Chris refered to her as "A fine girl ... " in the song he wrote that would later top the charts.

7.  Dear LG Report:  I thought I was dreaming when my car broke down late one night just outside the gates of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader camp and someone asked me inside.

8.  Gerry loaded his automatic assault weapon with a special zeal as he looked out on the stadium crowd, knowing that he'd finally get some recognition -- even though financial remuneration had never come -- for inventing the "control+alt+delete" move.

9.  When the gubernatorial debate moderator asked Noit for his favorite quote, he regretted not being prepared for this question because the only one that came to mind was: 'Flush twice, it's a long way to the kitchen.' 

10. Ricky realized, in a sudden moment of clarity, that it was probably never a good idea to steal a cop car.

OK folks, there you have it, your ten pieces of unmolded clay, start submitting your second lines, up to two each, and let's see who comes out on top with a nice crisp Andrew Jackson for their wallet...

Good luck to all and here's wishing you an enjoyable Memorial Day weekend!

Monday, May 24, 2010

FSIS (50-State Interview Series) Makes It In Massachusetts with Chris!

Our interviewee today, representing the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, is Christopher, a married attorney who lives and works in Boston. Christopher is originally from Upstate New York (thereby continuing our string of interviewees who weren’t born in the state they represent), but has lived in Massachusetts since attending law school there in the 1980s.

We have nothing to say of interest in this space, we just need to fill the awkward blank spot.  The entertaining stuff begins below....


The LG Report: Chris, welcome to The LG Report's 50-State Interview Series. Let’s start with an easy one: give us three words to describe Boston in the summer and three words to describe Boston in the winter. Please make these English words for both seasons.

Christopher: Summer: Drinks, Hot + Fun.   Winter: Florida on Jetblue

The LG Report: Why do you choose to live in Boston rather than your native Upstate New York? And is the word “Upstate” really supposed to be capitalized? We know it’s called the “Capital Region,” perhaps that has something to do with it?

Christopher: Upstate, It’s Great!®

I like both places very much but there were more opportunities here for me. Also, I had to keep in my mind secondary education for Doc and Herbie. [Editor’s Note: Doc and Herbie are Chris’s dogs.]

The LG Report: You’re widely perceived to be a politico. Here at The LG Report, we’re journos. If you could have a very nice 6-course dinner with Bill Clinton, or a light breakfast, buffet style, with President Obama, which would you choose and why?

Christopher: I think I would do the dinner with Clinton. First off, he would likely be more open about things because he is not the sitting president. Not to mention the fact that he knows how to have a good time.

The LG Report: Massachusetts, sometimes derogatorily referred to as “The People’s Republic of Massachusetts,” is traditionally a very liberal state. Why do you think this is?

Christopher: I do not think it is a “very liberal state.” I think it is just that our “conservatives” are not that conservative [which is true of New England as a whole] – so, it averages out to be more liberal than other states nationwide.

The LG Report: If a visitor had only one night in Boston, what would you advise them to do? It’s their first time in your fair city. And please don’t mug them.

Christopher: Has to be the duck boat tour! You get to see it all in one sweep and you get to quack at people on the street. When they do that, it quacks me up!

The LG Report: A lot of people don’t believe that Tony Conigliaro was the “Boston Strangler.” Do you have any theories on this?

Christopher: Yes. My theory is you were drunk when you wrote this question. Albert DaSalvo was the Boston Strangler. Tony C was a baseball player whose career was marred by getting hit in the eye with a pitch.

The LG Report: Bostonians typically hate the New York Yankees. You are a Mets fan. Who do you hate? And your answer need not be baseball related.

Christopher: Mean people suck. I hate mean people. I really hate bigots. I hate bigots that are mean people.

The LG Report: Speaking of the Mets, Mr. Met has a very large head with baseball stitching all around it. He is seldom seen outside a baseball field and appears to have no friends. What’s the story on him?

Christopher: First off, I love Mr. Met – that big baseball headed son of a B! He is, without a doubt, the best mascot. When the Mets played the Sox at Fenway, I kept trying to get my picture with Mr. Met but it kept coming out wrong. So, I kept trying. Finally, his handler (yes, Mr. Met has handlers) said: “Mr. Met has to go now, sir.” I think I am the only person Mr. Met has had to get a restraining order against.

ONE OF THE NICEST GUYS WE'VE MET:  "Mr. X," pictured above, asked us not to use his real name or address when told that we'd be publishing his picture in conjunction with an interview of Chris.  We didn't expect this -- he threw us a curve ball -- but we are honoring his wishes.  

The LG Report: Which of the Boston mascots would you rather spend a night in a bar with, the Celtic or the Patriot? We’re assuming that the Sox wouldn’t get served, nor would the Bruin. Plus, PETA would protest against you for taking a bear (bruin) to a bar. If we haven’t confused you yet, please answer the question.

Christopher: I want to amend an earlier answer. I HATE the Celtic mascot – Lucky the Leprechaun. He thinks he is sooo cool, but he is a jerk. So, it has to be the Patriot – by default.

The LG Report: Both U.S. Senators from Massachusetts went to your law school. When are you going to become a U.S. Senator? Did you not take that class?

Christopher: After I pose for Cosmo. [Editor’s note: Current Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown posed for a centerfold in Cosmopolitan Magazine long ago.]

The LG Report: Opposites attract, they say (you know who “they” are, don’t make us say it…) Your wife is funny, intelligent and good-looking. Please explain what that makes you.

Christopher: A lucky man (but not a leprechaun.)

The LG Report: Hypothetical question. Geo and his wife come to Salem, Massachusetts on vacation, where you are working as a tour guide at a witch museum for the summer, while the Chinese drywall is being removed from your law offices. When it comes time to re-enact the “Burning a Witch at the Stake” ritual, Geo volunteers. Do you secretly use real gasoline in place of water, in order to actually burn him at the stake, or do you merely scream “Witch! Witch in the house!” and stab him through the heart with a sharp piece of wood?

Please note: When it’s later discovered by the police that there is in fact no “Burning a Witch at the Stake” segment on the standard tour, you simply say, “Well, there should have been,” and resign from your job, liability-free.

Christopher: Either version would be a hit on the tour.

The LG Report: What is the weirdest or funniest town name in Massachusetts?

Christopher: Quincy. Although, if you are going to name a town after a Jack Klugman character, it really should be “Oscar.”

The LG Report: What’s your guilty pleasure?

Christopher: That's easy: The LG Report – 24/7!

The LG Report: Please explain the whole “Champagne Room” concept.

Christopher: If you have to ask, you would never understand.
The LG Report: Why do you think the WNBA is still in business?

Christopher: Is it?

The LG Report: What are your three favorite websites in order of preference, starting with The LG Report, first, of course, and then what two after that?

Christopher: The LG Report; NY Daily News (Mets news) and Talking Points Memo.

The LG Report: Do you consider yourself a “Masshole?” Can you explain the term for our readers who are unfamiliar with it?

Christopher: I think it pertains to the inability of some drivers to use their directional which, as you may know, was engineered to be very easy to use. It only takes a slight hand motion and a click of the lever – done!

The LG Report: What’s the most important quality in a good lawyer?

Christopher: Being able to see both sides of an issue.

The LG Report: Do you think Bart Simpson is a real person?

Christopher: Yes, he writes The LG Report.

The LG Report: If you were to jump up and down on Oprah’s couch on national TV, what would you be yelling?

Christopher: I love Doc and Herbie, I love Doc and Herbie --- oh, and Kelley too…. [Third, Or So, Editor’s Note: Kelley is the wife.]

The LG Report: What’s your favorite movie of the last five years and why?

Christopher: Dark Knight. Love Batman and it is the definitive Batman movie.

The LG Report: Boston’s mayor speaks and looks like Fred Flintstone. Any explanation?

Christopher: I reject the premise of the question. [I want my trash to continue to be picked up, thank you….]

The LG Report: Do you ever “paak your caaaa?”

Christopher: Boy, that one never gets tired…. [sarcasm]

The LG Report: What will your last meal be when you go to the electric chair?

Christopher: Presumably, for killing Geo in the earlier question. Lobster would be the entrĂ©e with some oysters too. Dessert would be a .44 – so I could escape! Nice!

The LG Report: Ever cheat at Scrabble?

Christopher: Nope. [Wait, not enough points]. Negatory…

Thanks for your time Chris, everyone here at your favorite blog appreciates it.  Don’t let the fame and fortune that’s sure to ensue from this captivating interview swell your head too much – we don’t need another Mr. Met-sized melon around here.  Err, we mean "Mr. X."
Thanks for reading everyone, and please sign up to “Like” The LG Report on Facebook to receive a notice when a new post goes up.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

The LG Report Brings You The L.A. Report

You've probably figured out by now that The LG Report spares no effort in attempting (underscore "attempting") to entertain its readers.  We take our motto seriously: "Injecting a bit of humor into your day."  We're the blog that people have trusted for their USDA daily requirement of juvenile humor (vitamin JH) since December 2009.  [Advisory: the USDA has not evaluated these statements. Check with your doctor before beginning any regimen of Juvenile Humor.]

Yesterday LG flew from NYC to LA to generate a blog posting for your entertainment (and to attend a conference about which  you're not interested.)  Here are some photos from the day's travels:

This was the window view at seat 19A.  I think we were above one of the Pretty Good Lakes (considerably smaller, and lesser-known, than the Great Lakes.)   I always look out at the wing to make sure that nobody is riding on it, like in that episode of "The Twilight Zone" with William Shatner.  Yesterday nobody was, but I've seen people out there in the past.  Curiously, they never look cold. 

This was the cabin view from my seat.  I looked around for any potential shoe bombers, but saw none.  However, the guy in front of me was a shoe-remover, and those can be bad too.  There was clearly a need for Dr. Scholl to make a house call. 

That's the Allegheny River flowing through Pittsburgh....  Psyche, no it isn't!  I just said that to excite readers from Pittsburgh.  Everyone knows that the Allegheny River has been redirected so that from the air it spells out "Steelers."

The odds are that someone you've seen at least once on TV or in the movies lives in one of these houses, I just don't know who or where.  This is a poor man's aerial Tour of the Stars' Homes.  Best we could do on a shoestring budget.

This photo depicts the United Airlines terminal at LAX yesterday.  There might be a celebrity in this photo, look closely.  Actually, the guy on the left looks like Cliff Clavin from "Cheers," no?  I think it's him.  Let's just say it is.  Oh, and look, speaking of "Cheers," Bebe Neuwirth is on the right with her rolling luggage.  It appears that they're mad at each other.  I'll sell this picture to The National Enquirer.  I can see the headline now: "Cheers Co-Stars in Big Fight at LAX!"

Speaking of celebrities, at dinner LG ran into Ed O'Neill, formerly Al Bundy on "Married with Children," and currently starring in "Modern Family."  He was enjoying a plate of sushi at Yuyu with his wife, and was only too happy to pose for a picture.  Very down-to-earth guy.

Also dinning at Yuyu last night was Lou Diamond Phillips.  Lou got his big break with the role of the title character in "La Bamba," and has made a series of unremarkable films since then.  He said he's starring in this year's movie "Transparency."  Wait for it to come to the $3 theatre near you (he's not going to read this; I'm just giving you good advice...)   
I don't want to let any cats out of any bags, but rumor on the internet is that the blank star on the left is being reserved for The LG Report as soon as the Hollywood Walk of Fame starts honoring blogs.  It's just a rumor however, so please don't spread it beyond everyone in your address book.  And maybe people you talk to at the office.  And on the street.  But let's keep it to that tight circle.  Thanks.

That's it for today.  Gotta run to take a meeting at the studio.  Have your girl call mine.  And remember, The LG Report is always 100% gluten-free and a great site to "Like" on Facebook and/or sign up to follow using the button to the right of this post. And don't be afraid to leave a comment, don't cost nuttin'.  See you soon...

Monday, May 17, 2010

The 50-State Interview Series Visits Lizerd in Ohio!

Today The LG Report heads to Ohio, specifically the town of Maumee, just outside of Toledo, to catch up with Liz, also known as "Lizerd" to her friends.

Originally from Michigan, Liz is married and has a son in high school. She works for a graphic design firm in downtown Toledo. We’d show you some of the company's work, but it’s pretty graphic.  If she worked for a family-friendly design firm, that would be another story. 

Anyway, let's get right to the interview, we know you can't wait to meet Lizerd in Ohio...

The LG Report: Elizabeth, would you mind if I drop the formality and just call you "Lizerd?"

Elizabeth: No, certainly not, go right ahead.

The LG Report: Thanks. I notice your tongue is forked, that's cool. So Lizerd, you grew up in Michigan but now live in Ohio. What brought you to the Buckeye State?

Lizerd: My parents. We grew pot in my mom’s garden in Temperance, Michigan and so we had to flee when the DEA spotted it. Ohio seemed the best place to hide.

The LG Report: If Michigan were to invade Ohio in an interstate war, which side would you fight on?

Lizerd: That’s a tough one. My loyalties are divided. I might have to be like Switzerland and remain neutral.

The LG Report: Interesting.... "Maumee" sounds a lot like "Mommy" phonetically. Was there ever an instance when your son, as an infant, was in distress or grave danger and yelling "Mommy!" but you thought he was merely saying the name of your town so you ignored him, thereby causing him permanent harm? Keep in mind that the Ohio child welfare authorities don't read this blog.

Lizerd: I make it a practice to ignore him regardless. I’m pretty sure “Maumee” is Native American for “mommy.”

The LG Report: What's the single best thing about living in Ohio?

Lizerd: The vast opportunities to eat. We like food here in Ohio and eating is a pastime of ours. We could probably rival any other U.S. city for restaurants per capita. We also like to buy food in bulk at places like Costco and Sam’s Club.

The LG Report: If someone's car were to break down on their way through Ohio and they had to stay overnight (we're not, of course, implying that this is the only circumstances under which one would visit, but it does seem to be the likeliest), what would you advise them to do? Are there any specific attractions that they should visit, or anything else of interest along those lines?

Lizerd: Everyone would say you need to go to Tony Packo’s because its Hungarian hot dogs were made famous by the character Max Klinger on the TV show M*A*S*H*, but not too many peeps remember M*A*S*H* let alone Klinger except those of a certain age. So since no one remembers Jamie Farr, who also hails from the great city of Toledo, I would have to say you should go to the Village Idiot in Maumee (photo below.) It’s known for its interesting clientele and barkeepers and also more recently for being a favorite performance venue for American Idol finalist Crystal Bowersox or “Mama Sox” as she is lovingly referred to here in northwest Ohio.

IT TAKES A VILLAGE IDIOT:  Snaggle Tooth and Scully, two employees of The Village Idiot in Maumee, Ohio discuss the upcoming "Willie Nelson Dress-Alike" contest at the bar.  The fire extinguisher on the left contains an expensive chemical compound designed to protect the valuable portrait in the photo's top right corner in the event of a fire in anyone's beard.    

The LG Report: Does Ohio have the World's Largest Bratwurst or World's Largest Rubber Band Ball or anything of that nature of which you're aware without doing research?

Lizerd: We have the World’s Largest Population of Jackass Drivers…well, that’s my opinion.

The LG Report: Please give us three adjectives to describe the average Ohioan.

Lizerd: Robust, amiable, hungry

The LG Report: Have you ever served time?

Lizerd: If you count my first marriage, yes.

LIZERD with Husband 2.0 (Bill.)  She believes that all of the defects have been worked out with this newer version.  Husband 1.0 had trouble executing commands properly and was summarily deleted long ago. 

The LG Report: Do you hang out at truck stops?

Lizerd: No, but I do like to frequent the service plazas on the Ohio Turnpike.

The LG Report: What's your take on Cleveland?

Lizerd: Cleveland, home of the Cavaliers and LeBron James! Woot woot! I don’t think Cleveland and its people have ever gotten over its “Mistake on the Lake” moniker.

The LG Report: Hypothetical. Let's say Geo comes to your state to attend an Ohio State - Michigan football game with you. But he stupidly wears a Michigan jersey. In the third quarter, just after Michigan scores a go-ahead touchdown, frustrated fans begin pummeling Geo mercilessly as he's quietly enjoying a beer and minding his own bee's wax.

Would you:

a) Offer to hold his beer for him and secretly take big gulps of it while you enjoyed watching him being beaten;

b) Half-heartedly wave for Security while yelling “He’s not only a Michigan fan, he also played halfback for them in ’48!” while getting in a few good kicks yourself; or

c) Ask if anyone has lighter fluid because you hear that Michigan football jerseys are supposed to be fire proof and you don't believe it?

Lizerd: I would drink his beer for sure and I would not do it secretly.

The LG Report: Geo's wife is one of your best friends. Did you warn her not to marry him?

Lizerd: This seems to be a theme of The LG Report. I think I may have warned her that she’d be saddled with his best friend for the rest of her life as well, but that didn’t stop her.

The LG Report: The Pretenders have a song in which they sing "I went back to Ohio but my city was gone..." Have they located that city yet?

Lizerd: “A...O...way to go, Ohio…” Crissy Hind is from Akron, where they make tires for cars. It’s still there as far as I know though. We also have that other little ditty by Neil Young about the Kent State riots. “Four dead in Ohio…” Such uplifting songs.

The LG Report: Does Ohio have cable TV?

Lizerd: Sometimes.

The LG Report: The Wright Brothers were from Ohio. They invented the airplane. Did they really want to escape the state that badly?

Lizerd: I think they were merely trying to escape Dayton.

The LG Report: It may sound like we're dissing Ohio here but that's not the case. Ohio is clearly one of the 50 best states. What single attribute do you think, Lizerd, distinguishes Ohio from the other 49 states?

Lizerd: We helped elect George W. Bush. Twice. (That IS a diss)

The LG Report: Does your husband have a reptilian nickname? If not, can you give him one now?

Lizerd: I might call him “Turtle” and not because he’s like the character on HBO’s Entourage.

The LG Report: Seven U.S. presidents were born in Ohio. The official insect is the Ladybug. You have quite a state there. Oh, and the abbreviation is OH. Are you ever confused when someone says "Oh," thinking that they may be pronouncing the state abbreviation instead? This must be a big problem in Ohio.

Lizerd: We’ve got lots of problems here in Ohio, but mistakenly saying “Oh” for “OH” is not one of them. But there was that whole Simpson-esque branding the City of Toledo wanted to do with “D’OH!” (as in TOLED’OH!) that for some reason didn’t see the light of day.

The LG Report: If you could change Ohio's state motto from its current "With God All Things Are Possible" [it's one of five U.S. states with the word "God" in the official motto; yes, you're getting your learn on here...] what would you choose?  Can you think of a credible state motto for Ohio with the word "Satan" in it?  Maybe "Satan Isn't Welcome Here" or something along those lines.  But don't let me influence you, you're the designer of things graphic.  Can you please answer now so that I can stop typing?  Thanks.....

Lizerd: If I had known that was the state motto, I might have protested the move a little more. I think a better motto would be Flip Wilson’s oft-quoted saying, “The devil made me do it!”

The LG Report: Other than The LG Report, which is clearly number one, what's your second favorite place on the internet?

Lizerd: (A little self promo never hurts.)  [Editor's note: that's the website of Lizerd's employer. was already taken.]

The LG Report: Ok Lizerd, we're going to wrap it up here and get you back to your terrarium.  Are there any parting thoughts, or pieces of sage advice, that you'd like to pass along to the readers?

Lizerd: I would advise people who copy LG on an email to be prepared for an onslaught of responses that may go on for several days. OH, and if you do break down in Maumee, don’t look me up. I’m not an amiable Ohioan.

So there we have it folks, the great state of Ohio is added to the pantheon of The LG Report's 50-State Interview Series. Our deepest thanks go out to Lizerd for being such a good sport.  Make sure give her a ring if your car ever breaks down in Maumee and there's a delay in fixing it [Editor’s Note: That was written before Lizerd answered the question above telling us to steer clear.  Should’ve been obvious….ToleD’OH!.]

Odds and Ends:  There's a lot more fun coming your way on The LG Report soon, so please keep clicking back in.  We post about three times a week usually.  And please consider conferring "Like" status on The LG Report if you're a Facebook member (we appear under "The LG Report," funny enough.)  We like you, why not like us back?  If you do, you'll get notification through Facebook every time a new post goes up.

Upcoming features:  LG travels to Los Angeles later this week for an insurance conference but will have his Blackberry phone handy in case of any celebrity sightings.  Also, our exclusive interview with Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino of MTV's "Jersey Shore" will be appearing soon.  We leave you with this teaser photo just like they do on our sister website, TMZ (of course, TMZ doesn't know it's our sister website, we're adopted.)

Thanks again for reading and stay tuned for more fun on The LG Report coming soon!

Miscellaneous Monday

The LG Report presents some miscellaneous thoughts to start your week.  But before we get to that, there's a photo at the very bottom of this post that we took on Saturday at Benny's Burrito's in New York City's Greenwich Village at 1:30 in the afternoon.  Even though it was in public view for all to see, it's a very distasteful image. 

This is fair warning: don't scroll all the way down if you don't want to see it!  But, of course, like a horrific train wreck, everyone will want to crane their neck to check it out.  Just don't say we didn't warn you...

Ok, some miscellaneous thoughts:

  • America Idol Update: .....................We don't watch American Idol.
  • We have an interview coming shortly with Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino from the MTV show Jersey Shore.  Don't miss it.
  • We HATE stores that keep one of their front entrance double doors locked at all times.  Especially after you've just told off the cashier for some idiotic mistake or extra long wait, and, as you stride triumphantly out of the place, you push against the locked door and come to a screeching halt, nose pressing up against the glass.  Why do they do that? It sucks;
  • Two of our favorite lines from the first season of Jersey Shore:
    • At 2 a.m., some of the male cast members tell three random women who had stopped by the house to leave.  Just as they step onto the street, a Seaside Heights garbage truck passes by.  One of the men yells out to the departing girls, "Your ride's here!"
    • In another episode, Ronnie is on the boardwalk with his girl.  A guy who he'd been having a verbal altercation with yells "Go back to Staten Island bro!"  Ronnie's witty response: "I'm not from Staten Island bro!" 
  • There's a show on the Discovery Channel called Swamp Loggers.  It's filmed in North Carolina.  Despite the fact that these people are Americans speaking English, in many scenes the Discovery Channel includes captions of what the men are saying.  To paraphrase Jeff Foxworthy, you know you're a redneck when an American TV show is providing captions for your English;
  • This might be the one plausible defense for someone who goes ballistic and commits a heinous act of violence:  "I was forced to listen to the 'Cars for Kids' radio commercial repeatedly." 
  • Among the most deceptive images in our society, and ones which should be much more closely regulated by the government:  Pictures of frozen pizza on TV.  They all look so good on the boob tube, and they all suck so badly in real life.
  • I don't miss contorting my body to reach around behind the TV to adjust the vertical or horizontal hold.  If you have ever done that in your life, you're old.

OK, here's the picture that we warned you about.  Click off this page now if you don't want to see it.  Again, we gave you fair warning.  This photo was taken in broad daylight on a busy NYC street on Saturday.  There must've been a major plumbers' convention in town.  Here it is:

Still time to bail....

You can click out now....

Go no further if you have a weak stomach....

This is not for the faint of heart....

We're not kidding, it's coming shortly.....

Think twice before continuing....

Ok, you can't hold us liable, you're doing this of your own free will....

Here it is, enjoy!:

There's a lot we can say, but we won't make any cracks about this photo.  We told you not to look, butt you wouldn't listen....

We'll try to do better next time, please come back soon!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

What's in a Name?

If you're a normal boy growing up in America, this is almost a certainty:

Your friends are going to give you a nickname. And it will have little or nothing to do with the actual first name that your parents may well have agonized over for months before choosing.

It just happens.

Where I grew up, in small-town New Jersey, almost every kid had a nickname. The derivations varied widely. Some nicknames were based on a kid's formal name, others on their physical characteristics and still others on wholly irrational and unrelated factors.

The photo below, taken in June of 1976, shows a group of my friends hanging out when we were about 13 or 14 years old. Two of the more notable nicknames belong to the kids at each end of this picture.

"Tain" or "Taino," sitting in the chair on the left, had a nickname that was a shortened, easier-to-say version of his Italian last name. A common practice pretty much everywhere. On the far right, elevated off the ground and about to throw a baseball card at the camera, is "Mooch." This moniker later morphed into the less insulting "Moose," or "Moose Man."

Mooch's nickname was based on his practice of always being the first to ask for whatever you were reaching into your pocket to get. He was extremely quick on the trigger, like an Old West gunslinger. And fearless too; it didn't bother Mooch that he didn't know if you were going to fish out a piece of fresh Bazooka or a lint-covered Lifesaver. He just wanted to be the first to ask.

Others in our crowd sported nicknames, at various times, like Nipper, Scray Egg, Bear, Flea Bag, Dean, Low Baller, Panda, Keeg, Joeye, Squeegee, Rick E. Bad and Satch. I was Fere Dow, and later Fere Dog, although I honestly don't remember how that name came about.

Nipper, who was given his nickname by a friend who thought he looked Japanese -- even though his ethnicity wasn't remotely Asian -- at one point decided that he'd re-christen himself "Boomer." But his weak attempt failed miserably; it was nipped in the bud so to speak.  Nobody bought in, and to this day he remains "Nipper" in our childhood circle.

The First Rule of Nicknames is that you can't create your own. Sorry, this is not Denny's salad bar.

I had heard my friend's brother-in-law being called "Stu" for the first 10 years that I knew him. I always thought this was short for "Stuart," which I assumed was his real name. Then, a few years ago, I learned that his name is actually Paul and "Stu" was short for "Stupid." Everyone in the family calls him that.

Two examples of physical attribute-based childhood nicknames stand out in my memory.

The first involved a boy from the other side of town who had a severely pronounced hair lip. It affected his speech to the point where you sometimes couldn't understand him. Being the compassionate and sensitive human beings that my friends were, they came up with the nickname of ..."Lipper."

Another guy in town, about 5 years older than us, had a very prominent (read: long and large) nose. He was not considered especially attractive by most people's standards (I'm exercising a little 2010 political correctness here...)

This fellow, we'll call him Vinnie (since that's his name), had a younger sister. Unfortunately for her, she shared many of his physical characteristics, including a protruding nose. They looked very much alike. I don't think I ever knew her real first name; I only heard her referred to by the nickname my friends created. So what was it?

"Vinnie with the Long Hair."  Ouch. 

Here we see a photo of Eggman (first name = Greg, hence the derivation) and Moon Baby (derived from the song "Beach Baby," by the British group The First Class) sitting on a ride designed for young children in the mid-1970s. Doing something like this today would probably get them listed in the Megan's Law directory. Or the Mickey's Law Directory. [Editor's Note: This picture is not all that relevant to this topic, but I wanted to post it anyway to embarass them.  They both read the blog.]

The creation of mean nicknames isn't restricted to children. Years ago I worked at AIG with a guy who, for some inexplicable reason, never wore undershirts beneath his white work shirts. As a result, he would develop large yellow perspiration stains under his arms ("Eeeeewww!" I can hear you saying to yourself, and you'd be right, it was "Ewwwww"-worthy.)

Whenever someone would stop by his cubicle, this guy would lean back in his chair and clasp his hands behind his head, thus giving the visitor a full-on view of the two huge yellow stains gracing his shirt's underarm area. One of our colleagues came up with a fitting nickname for this gentleman: "Old Yeller." It was only used behind his back, of course.

However, saddling someone with an insulting nickname can sometimes have the unintended effect of motivating them to overcome their situation and really excel in life.

For example, I could tell you that the picked-upon child with the hair lip, "Lipper," grew up to start his own internationally-famous mutual fund rating system. Eventually it would lead to the creation of Lipper, Inc., a subsidiary of Thomson Reuters.

I could tell you that, but it would be a big fat lie. No such thing happened.

Let me know if you believed it though, I'll have to start calling you "Stu."

Feel free to post comments with your favorite nicknames, your own or someone else's.  The more the merrier.  And please consider "liking" The LG Report on Facebook if you're a member.  Thanks for checking in!

COMING SOON: The LG Report's 50-State Interview Series Continues and, separately, an exclusive interview with the cast of "Jersey Shore."