Thursday, May 27, 2010

LGR Contest: Write One Stinkin' Line That's Funny to Earn Yourself Some Money!

Did you ever attend a concert greatly anticipating one particular song and then, when the band finally gets to it, the lead singer turns the microphone outward and expects the crowd to sing?  You end up paying $250 to hear some drunk guy from Long Island screaming "Baby we were born to run!" in your ear.

It sucks, we know.

But, we're sorry to say, today's edition of The LG Report is just that: we're turning the computer keyboard out to the readers to come up with their own funny lines.   But there's a twist: the winner will get cold hard cash. 

That's right, no The LG Report t-shirts or nail clippers or toilet seat covers for the best entry.  Whoever comes out on top will get a crisp $20 bill, cold hard cash money American

That's all there is to it.  And, as always, it's 100% gluten-free with no additives.

This is a very simple competition.  It's like the "Cutest Dog Contest" except there are no dogs.  Nor pictures, nor voting.  Other than that it's exactly the same.   
Here's how it works.  We have 10 first lines below.  All you have to do is post a comment with your funny second line.  But please make sure to include the number of the line that you're following.  So, for example, an entry might say "3.  Mental note to self: never punch a guy who looks, speaks and acts like Mike Tyson and just might be Mike Tyson."

You may enter up to two (2) (II) (dos) (1 + 1) (ix-nay-two-skay) times if you'd like.  LG will be the sole judge, and a winner will be announced on Thursday, June 3rd. 

Deadlines for entry are at noon EST on Wednesday, June 2nd.  Your entries must be posted as a comment to The LG Report.   So get your creative juices flowing and start thinking of some amusing second lines.  

Without further adieu, here are the ten first lines:

1.  TKO had second thoughts, as he stood on the soup line, about spending those four years playing "Brick Breaker" on his Blackberry rather than attending class.

2.  Dion couldn't believe that it had taken him 26 years to realize that he had the same nose as the mailman

3.  As the nurse adjusted his hospital bed, Jimmie replayed the previous night in his mind and realized that challenging that guy to a punching competition wasn't so smart.

4.  It was obvious to Eggman, unfortunately, that his dog was a prolific farter and he'd have to do something about it.

5.  Geo had become such a worldwide internet sensation that when his old friend LG tried to get backstage, he was told by a beefy security guard that "Geo says he doesn't know you anymore."

6.  Brandy was a fine horse, but knowing that his relationship with her was not right in the eyes of society, Chris refered to her as "A fine girl ... " in the song he wrote that would later top the charts.

7.  Dear LG Report:  I thought I was dreaming when my car broke down late one night just outside the gates of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader camp and someone asked me inside.

8.  Gerry loaded his automatic assault weapon with a special zeal as he looked out on the stadium crowd, knowing that he'd finally get some recognition -- even though financial remuneration had never come -- for inventing the "control+alt+delete" move.

9.  When the gubernatorial debate moderator asked Noit for his favorite quote, he regretted not being prepared for this question because the only one that came to mind was: 'Flush twice, it's a long way to the kitchen.' 

10. Ricky realized, in a sudden moment of clarity, that it was probably never a good idea to steal a cop car.

OK folks, there you have it, your ten pieces of unmolded clay, start submitting your second lines, up to two each, and let's see who comes out on top with a nice crisp Andrew Jackson for their wallet...

Good luck to all and here's wishing you an enjoyable Memorial Day weekend!


  1. 10. Even worse was to steal a cop car that was almost gas while wearing a Ku Klux Klan outfit in Harlem.

    2. After all, they had to take turns wearing it each day.

  2. #10

    2. The next day his family comes to visit him and asks him whats up with the orange outfit

  3. #5 Asked if Geo's rudeness bothered him, Larry replied, "Yeah, but dat's not wat pit me off."

    #8 Scanning the crowd he found his target, pulled the trigger and screamed, "Fuck you clown!"


  4. 7. Dear LG Report: I thought I was dreaming when my car broke down late one night just outside the gates of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader camp and someone asked me inside....and quickly realized it wansn't a dream whey they asked me to "snake" the clogged toilet like I've done for years at MIG's house(for some strange reason typically on holiday weekends but that's another story.). When I told them I didn't have my "snake" "on me", they said that's not what they be continued next "Write One Stinkin' Line" contest


The LG Report appreciates all comments, thanks for taking the time; Karma will probably award you a winning lotter ticket or something. The "or something" being more likely. But thanks again!