Saturday, February 26, 2011

Thoughts on Reaching 100

Welcome to our _ool.  Notice that there's no "P" in "Pool," let's keep it that way.

Sign at the Queen of England's pool.
LG always loves that sign when he see it at pools.  It's so original and unique that it made him laugh the first 150 times he saw it.

Our thoughts on reaching 100?  No, LG is NOT 100 years old. Not even close, so just back it down. 

LG is referring to the fact that The LG Report is getting very close to having 100 followers.  Very close.


Of course, we don't want to jinx it and lose anyone.  Please don't cancel your followership just to screw with us.  Thank you. And feel free to use the word "followership" if you'd like, it's our gift to you upon reaching a hondo followers.

So how, one might ask, did The LG Report achieve such an impressive milestone after starting out 14 months ago with a mere 92 followers?

Wait, wait, we didn't start out with 92 followers - psych on you! - we started out like everyone else, with none.  Nada. Zero.  Zilch.

But please don't un-follow us for fooling you on that point.  In fact, please don't leave us at all; if you'll agree to that now, we won't have to beg after each time we fake out and/or insult you.   Thank you, we'll take your silence as an agreement. 

The LG Report is in front with the bag.  It was more fun to sneak in as a woman.

The LG Report came to this country fresh off the boat from Europe with only two followers in his pocket and no place to live.

OK, maybe that one doesn't work.

Let's try again: The LG Report was born to hard-working, but poor, sharecroppers in the South.

Not buying that one either?

But wait, doesn't that look a bit like LG having a nice wee wee on the floor?  He did just that, as a matter of fact, only last night.

OK, so none of those stories are true.  The truth is, LG, like every other blogger, just straps on his keyboard every morning and heads down into the blog mines to crank out an honest day's posting, hoping that Mother Earth will offer up some new followers so that he can feed his gambling habit adopted Sally Struthers kid overseas (of course, if Sally would donate just half her monthly grocery bill, we could feed all of Zambia...)

But seriously folks, LG owes a debt of gratitude to a number of very kind and generous fellow bloggers who have helped publicize The LG Report and bring some readers our way. We are speaking specifically of the following awesome people, in alphabetical order, so as not to offend anyone more than we are contractually obligated (Note: please click on each person's name to be magically transported to their excellent blogs):

Carol, who was our first international interviewee, writes an extremely entertaining blog that provides an insight into how British wives differ from their American counterparts (Spoiler alert: they don't!)  Carol rocks all around; she's funny, insightful and, also, a renown whiz at creating blog buttons.  Now if we only knew what a blog button is... Check her out, you won't regret it.

Cheeseboy  who shares LG's sense of sophomoric humor (and, coincidentally, he's a first-grade teacher, while LG has tested out at first-grade maturity levels...) is truly terrific. A resident of Utah, he has probably sent more followers to The LG Report than anyone, no doubt due to his, and our, readers' affinity for Mad Magazine-style intellectualism.  When assembling your bloglist, don't cut the Cheese, he's hilarious!

Eva Gallant is awesome.  She's apparently Wrestling with Retirement (her blog's title), although we hope that she doesn't retire from blogging for many, many years.  She's an expert at culling the funniest and most interesting tidbits from the internet. LG doesn't think he's speaking out of turn when he says that if you're in the Portland, Maine area, feel free to crash at Eva's place, she'd love to have you! (Just kidding; she'd wrestle you to the ground like you were Old Man Retirement, take your bloodied and bruised picture, and post it on her blog so that we could all have a laugh...)

Jessee writes Jessee's Spot, a blog that she posts from her Upstate New York home ("I love my crazy life.")  LG is good friends with Jessee's husband's uncle (a very close-in-age uncle, as LG is far from 100 years old, which he made clear earlier in this post) and that's how he came upon her excellent blog. 

Kate , like many female bloggers, is originally from Minnesota.  There must be something in the ice wine up there.  She now lives in Arizona, where she teaches at a community college (no, not that one, we were worried too...) and produces a very insightful and well-written blog.  It's raw.  It's real. It's Kate.  Every post is a gem!

Pearl  writes with a very unique -- and entertaining/hilarious -- style.  Tales of her daily bus ride alone will keep you in stitches all day as you think back on her insights.  And they could, no doubt, be the basis of a very successful network comedy (maybe to fill the Charlie Sheen void?)  Pearl has also has written a very funny "chapbook" (click on her blog for more details) of which LG bought two copies.  Two freakin' copies, that tells you something.  Many bloggers out there are oysters, but there's only one Pearl! (Oh, and she's from Minnesota and, unlike many other Minnesota-bred bloggers, she still lives there.  Pearl must not have her papers in order or something...)  She's got a ton of followers, you should become one of them if you're not already. 

Sandra, a Canadian mother of four, wife and nursing student, makes LG a bit nervous.  Why?  Because: 1) Her writing is undeniably hilarious; 2) She's quite the hottie (LG's girlfriend gave him permission to say that) (by the way, we hope you didn't waste time clicking on the word "girlfriend" expecting to see a photo, LG wouldn't share that with you people!); 3) She has a legion of fans who'd walk through a field of broken Molson bottles barefoot for her; and 4) She aspires to one day rule the world -- the whole world, not just the hockey-playing part.  Which may very well happen, so start practicing your "Hail to Queen Sandra!" chants now people, you've been warned.  P.S. We hope Queen Sandra will be nice to her early supporters. LG would like to be appointed Czar of the Fun Stuff, let someone else take care of the beatings and unexplained disappearances of people.
Miss Yvonne   gave us the most trouble here, because we didn't know whether to alphabetize her under "M" for Miss or "Y" for Yvonne.  These are the difficult decisions facing LG daily.  Anyway, Miss Y is cocky (perhaps a steel cage match between Miss Yvonne and Sandra would yield pay-per-view millions), funny and original.  Miss Yvonne blogs from Texas, where everything is bigger, including her sense of humor.     

So there you have it folks, The LG Report's pantheon of bloggers to whom we owe our gratitude.  You can't go wrong by checking out any or all of them.  Your satisfaction guaranteed or your money back.

As for what we'll do to celebrate when we actually do hit the coveted triple-figures mark, we're still not sure, but it will be something, no doubt.  And we'll soon be announcing the start of our LG Report's Cutest Pets Contest, so make sure you check back for that as well.

Thanks to all our followers, and readers in general; we hope you're enjoying the ride as much as we are!

[NOTE: We actually hit 100 followers as we were writing this post -- honest -- but we're not going to scrap the whole premise now just because of a technicality.... Thanks again to all LG Report followers, you're the best!] 

[P.S. We'll be interviewing 100th Follower Kelley, who hails from Texas, in an upcoming blog post that you won't want to miss.] 

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The LG Report's Interview Series Visits Cheeseboy in Utah!

States where men want more than one wife are depicted in red.
Today, we sit down with Abe (also known as "Cheeseboy,") the author of the very funny and popular Blog O' Cheese.   (click on the name to be transported to an extremely entertaining blog, unlike this one, which is only normal-strength entertaining.)

We are GRATEful [strap yourself in folks, we're just getting warmed up with the cheese puns] to Abe for agreeing to this interview, especially considering that he appears to be depressed and a little bleu today.  Nonetheless, we're expecting a Gouda interview.  Abe will no doubt be his usual sharp self (he earned his Ivy League diploma at Havarti), certainly more entertaining than our previous interview subject, Rush Limburger. Surprisingly, while Abe is from Utah, he does not reside in the town of Provo(lone).  As you might suspect, his favorite comedian is Ray Romano, his favorite baseball player was Reggiano Jackson and his favorite sitcom character was Herman Munster.  OK, time to cut the cheese puns and get to the interview:     

The LG Report:  Cheeseboy, how did you choose the name "Blog O' Cheese" and what specific type of cheese are we talking here?

The second funniest folks from Scranton, behind Cheeseboy.
Abe/Cheeseboy: My name stems from a home video that I made when I was 19 in Scranton, Pennsylvania.  I dressed up as “Cheeseboy” with yellow tights and a cape.  I ran around the University of Scranton like an idiot.  Somewhere the footage exists.  I hope it is never unearthed.

The LG Report:  You live in Utah.  Spelled backwards that's Hatu.  Hatu is a Mohican word which means "Land of the Cheese Blogger."  Did you know this?

Abe/Cheeseboy: I had no idea.  That would explain all the Mohicans on my doorstep every night with a basket of flowers and a cornucopia filled with Butterfinger Crisps.

The LG Report:  What's the most exciting thing to do in Utah? 

Abe/Cheeseboy: Utah gets a bad rap because people thing there are no bars or clubs here, which is an absolute fallacy.  But I don’t think those things are exciting anyway.

It's easy to see why Abe likes Utah football.
There are tons of very exciting things to do here.  Skiing, hiking, boating all seem to very popular. Personally, my favorite thing to do here is go 4-wheeling through the deserts and back woods.  I also LOVE cheering on my Utah Utes on Saturdays in the fall.

The LG Report: Have you ever seen a minority person?  And we don't mean a Democrat.

Abe/Cheeseboy: I AM a Democrat! We do exist here.

Man, we are just breaking Utah stereotypes left and right here.  Besides most of the Utah Jazz players, there are plenty of minorities here.  I believe that in Salt Lake City, Hispanic people make up about 35% of the population. 
Utah's minority population gathers to exchange ideas.

We also have a TON of Tongan and Samoan people living here.  They are great folks and keep our crappy buffets in business.

I think there might also be a few Eskimos here because sometimes there will be dead seals just lying by the side of the road.

The LG Report:  Most bloggers are women.  Only you, LG, and a guy in Canada are male bloggers.  Why do you think this is?

Abe/Cheeseboy: I think it is because women blog for different reasons that we 3 men do. Women blog because they like to hear each other whine.  Men blog because there is not a game on at the time.

The LG Report:  You own a Barney costume and, in fact, donned it and went to pick up Chinese food to celebrate the arrival of the 500th follower of your blog.  Our obvious question: Why would a Chinese person live in Utah?

Abe/Cheeseboy: I think the Chinese actually love Utah!  Why? Because morons come into their restaurants dressed like Barney and it makes them giggle.  That, and all that free shrimp in the lake.

The LG Report:  What's the most fun little-known tourist attraction in Utah?

Abe/Cheeseboy: Definitely our 7-11’s.  There seems to be one on every corner here.  Tourists are baffled by our Slurpee love.

This movie's run time is a bit too long for LG's taste.
Besides the 7-11’s, definitely check out Southern Utah’s canyons.  But don’t go alone or you may end up chopping your arm off with a pocket knife. 

The LG Report: Given the movement towards healthy food today, would you support a name change to Salt-Substitute Lake City?

Abe/Cheeseboy: No.  But I would support a name change to Sweet ‘N Low if they gave me enough money.

The LG Report: What's the craziest thing you've done that you can safely reveal without being arrested?

WANTED: Identifying feature - a frontal butt crack.
Abe/Cheeseboy: I once robbed a Chinese place dressed as Barney.

The LG Report:  How many wives do you have?  No, seriously, you can tell The LG Report.  We don't have 500+ followers, nobody will know.  How many?  Are all 500+ followers of your blog also your wives? 

Abe/Cheeseboy: About half my followers are wives, so 250.  They have to follow if they want their turn with me.

Seriously, I have one wife.  One.  She is pretty damned awesome.

The LG Report:  We assume you watch the show "Big Love" on HBO?  Don't you agree with LG when he says that the chicks should be hotter?

Abe/Cheeseboy: I don’t think we get HBO in Utah.  It was outlawed in the 1930’s along with Chinese buffets.

No, I don’t watch it.  I’ll have to take your word for it that they should be hotter. I am perfectly content on Bill Paxton’s hotness though.

The dude, of course, duh!
The LG Report:  Did you ever date Marie Osmond?  You don't have to tell us what base you got to, just if you ever dated her.   

Abe/Cheeseboy: Marie is much older than I. I think I may have dated her daughter though.

The LG Report:  If you woke up in a jail cell, with no memory of the night before, handcuffed to your boss and you could only say one sentence to him, what would it be?

Abe/Cheeseboy: “So people poop on the floor here too?”
(I teach 1st grade and that seems to often be a running problem in the bathrooms.)

The LG Report:  Have you ever been to the Sundance Film Festival?  This is a boring question, we know, so feel free to make us some crazy answer.  Nobody believes the answers in these interviews anyway...

A fan at Blog 'O CheeseFest 2010.
Abe/Cheeseboy: I went once just to see if I could see any stars.  I ended up seeing Rosie O’Donnell eating pizza in her underwear.  It was a strange night.

The LG Report:  What do residents of Utah hate most about California?  

Abe/Cheeseboy: This is the EASIEST question so far!  Utahns HATE, HATE, HATE the LAKERS!!! 

But we love Disneyland, but they are not run by the Lakers.

The LG Report:  It's clear that you're named after that famous Abe, Abe Vigoda, who played the character Fish on the TV show "Barney Miller."  Have you ever met him?   Do you feel like a fish out of water?

Hmm, does have a cheese-like complexion.

Abe/Cheeseboy: I am actually named after the Grandpa on the Simpsons.

The LG Report:  Please wrap it up by telling readers of The LG Report why they should or shouldn't move to Utah and why they should read your blog.  We think it's a very funny blog, but nobody listens to us, so you'll have to blow your own horn here.

Abe/Cheeseboy: You should definitely come to Utah because Wilford Brimley lives here and when he gets really drunk, he will put on some parachute pants and run through downtown.

Read my blog because I think it breaks the mold.  I hope it funny, original and unlike any other blog you will read. 

So there we have it folks, Abe/Cheeseboy from the most excellent Blog 'O Cheese has provided his unique insights into male blogging, Utah and Barney costumes. As a parting gift, Abe will get five t-shirts that say "My Husband Was Interviewed on The LG Report and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt."  Wait, make that six.

Be sure to keep checking back regularly (and please sign up to follow if you haven't already; once we hit 100 we'll blatantly rip-off Abe's idea and do something crazy, we're just not sure what yet...) because we'll soon be accepting entries in our LG Report Cutest Pet Contest.  Stay tuned for details (and don't ask us how you "tune" a computer, just stay tuned, we're all old enough to remember that phrase...thanks!)


Friday, February 18, 2011

The LG Report's Guide to Key West

Note: Restrooms for LG Report readers only.  And, sorry, we don't make change for the bus.


This is a re-post from January of 2010, when The LG Report had considerably fewer readers, so chances are you haven't seen it before.  And if you have, you're probably losing your memory like everyone else over 30, so you won't remember it anyway.  We shoulda just said that it was a new post, oh well, next time.  Enjoy anyway...especially if you're planning a Florida getaway -- Key West is a great place to visit!


Your LG Report Guide to Key West, Part I - The Scenery

Coming tomorrow: Part II - Key West's Restaurants and Bars

Readers have e-mailed to say that they're contemplating a vacation to Key West, Florida and that they'd like The LG Report's insider view.  Good move.  The LG Report has been to Key West many times and considers itself somewhat of an expert. 

You're probably wondering, "How many times an individual can refer to himself as an entity, such as The LG Report?"  Many times, LG assures you.  In fact, an annoyingly large number of times.  Just watch.

Before we start our review of Key West and all that it has to offer, allow us to say: Pamela Anderson, Justin Bieber, Angelina Jolie, Kate Gosselin, Oprah Winfrey, Octo-Mom, Balloon Boy, Lindsay Lohan, Susan Boyle, Avatar and Tiger Woods.

Sorry, we're just increasing our odds of getting random hits from people using popular Google search terms.  Hits are king.

LG knows you're busy, so we'll just feed you a few of the basics on Key West before we go to the photos.  Both a city and an island, Key West is the  southernmost point in the continental United States, something which you'll see at every turn of the head when there.  There's the Southernmost Motel, the Southernmost Hotel, the Southernmost House, The Southernmost Ice Cream Store, The Southernmost Manhole Cover, The Southernmost Crushed Soda Cup in the Street, The Southernmost Dog Poop, etc.  You get the point.

Lore has it that Key West got its name from an Americanized pronunciation of the Spanish phrase "Cayo Heuso," which means "Bone Island."  It was so named because the land was believed to be a burial ground, or possibly a battlefield, containing the remains of Native Americans. 

Some locals still call it "Bone Island" because of the frequent sexual liaisons among visitors.  Actually, LG just made up that last sentence.  The rest was true.

LG could go into a l-o-n-g, detailed and boring recitation of all that Key West has to offer, but, instead he'll provide a short and boring recitation of all that Key West has to offer. 

One good description of Key West: A permanent Spring Break for Adults.  There are very few non-tourist-focused activities on the island.  There are a couple of courthouses and a post office, and just about everything else caters to tourists.  Although, the courthouses adjudicate the rowdy wrongdoings of tourists, and the post office sends their postcards home, so scratch LG's previous statement.  It's all about tourists.

The photos used in today's and tomorrow's posts were all taken by LG's good friend Stan, who is an excellent photographer.  He's also a top-notch woodworker/carpenter, computer technician, photo framer, etc.  LG could go on and on about his talents, but will save his boring rhetoric for the rest of this posting.

Key West is not very big, just over seven square miles. One of the island's most popular activities is to gather at Mallory Square to watch the sunset, usually with a cocktail in hand.  The area is packed with bars, restaurants and other choice viewing spots.  You'll see pictures and descriptions of some of those tomorrow.  Today we're focusing on the non-bar/restaurant scenery. Off we go....

This is the monument at the Southernmost Point on the island.  Tourists generally stand in line to get their photo taken next to it (no charge) so that they can e-mail it back to Aunt Ida in Topeka. There's really not much to it, but like seeing the Alamo when in San Antonio, you have to do it.  Tourist traps are tourist traps, no matter where they're located.  But at least this one is free. 

The monument is not technically on Key West's Southernmost Point, but that's on a Naval base and not accessible to tourists, so the city went with this site.  This simulated buoy was erected in 1984 because the signs that previously marked the site were repeatedly stolen.  Nobody's going to steal this massive concrete mofo.  And that claim about "90 miles to Cuba" painted on the monument is false; it's actually 94 miles from there.

Tip: If you stand next to the monument for a photo, try to cover the graffiti to the right of the word "Point."  Big-butted people will be especially successful at this, so hold off on joining Jenny Craig until you get back.

This large house is typical of the style of architecture that you'll find in the Florida Keys. LG believes the technical term for it is "pink," but he's not an architect.  He was going to rent this place last time he visited, but it was too small for his needs.  LG requires a lot of room when he spreads out to blog.

Those people in the foreground are not pictured in actual size.

Depicted here is the Key West Waterfront on the western side of the island, near Mallory Square. As you can see, Key Westers take their cable TV seriously and do not want anyone anchoring their boats near the lines that bring in ESPN.  Anderson Cooper wanted to anchor his CNN show from this dock once, but he was told that anchoring wasn't allowed here.  You knew LG had to squeeze another bad pun out of that sign.

This is the famous Key West Lighthouse, built in 1847.  LG tried to lift it, it's not really that light, so someone's guilty of a bit of false advertising. The red flowers in the foreground are a rare form of rose found only on Key West.  The botanical term for them is "Bloggeris bullshittingu."  Ok, scratch the last two sentences.  They're just bougainvilleas, LG guesses. He's not a botanist, get off his back.

This is the "Conch Train," a popular option for Key West sightseeing.  You can look down your nose on everyone riding the Conch Train because they are tourists.  You, on the other hand, using The LG Report's inside information, are practically a local. Feel free to snort at these clueless scumbags when they roll by. Geo's friend Bob Sloan once drove his rental car into this train (true story.)  LG hopes Bob Sloan Googles himself a lot; just like the Conch Train, we'll get a hit from him!

This is a Key West beach.  You won't see many of these because you'll be in the bars late each night and waking up well into the afternoon, so soak up the details now.  Buy some postcards with beach scenes to send home, but avoid questions about what the beach was like.

"It had a lot of sand," is usually a good response if pressed.

This guy is one of Key West's most famous buskers.  He speaks in a weird French accent, probably learned from public television.  People call him "The Catman" because his highly entertaining act involves trained cats.  The star of the show is "Os-car, Os-car!"  He yells it so much that you'll hear the name in your sleep. His catch phrase is "Hurry up, hurry up! Take your time."  It's much funnier when spoken than it is in print. LG thinks that's Os-car! Os-car! in front of the Catman in this photo.  Notice the cords hanging down from the bottom of the Catman's pants?  Don't ask...    

This is, in LG's opinion, is one of Stan's coolest photos.  Taken just after sunset at Mallory Square, it wasn't, as you might expect, shot using a red filter.  Rather, Stan's eyes were still bloodshot from partying the night before, and the hi-tech lens picked that up.

Remember folks, Key West Part II is coming tomorrow, stay tuned.... [Editor's Note: Since this is a re-post, Part II is not really coming tomorrow, but you're welcome to search back in the January 2010 archive to read it for yourself if you're interested.]

Coming SoonThe LG Report's 50-State Interview Series continues with a stop in Utah to catch up with Abe/Cheeseboy of the very, very funny Blog O' Cheese.   Please check back soon and thanks for stopping by!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The LG Report 50-State Interview Series Heads to the 51st State: Canada!

Welcome, dear readers, to the next stop in The LG Report's 50-State Interview Series.

In this installment, we scratch our international itch again as we head up north to Canada.  We're catching up with the lovely and talented Sandra, authoress of the very popular blog Absolutely Narcissism. [And we ain't kidding; she has more people following her than Lindsay Lohan in a jewelry store.]   

LG warned Sandra that his questions would be a bit snarky, and, possibly, U.S.-centric, but she agreed to take on the challenge nonetheless.  Sandra, as you'll see, is not one to toe the line of Political Correctness.  In fact, the only time her toe touches Political Correctness is when she kicks it in the ass.  On top of that, she's pretty damn funny and we highly recommend that you give her blog a look.   

Now, it's time for you hosers to fire up your Canadian language translators, aay, and join us as we head north to Winnepeg....

The LG Report:  Sandra, thanks very much for stopping by today.  Please park your dogsled over in the corner there and we'll get right to the hard-hitting questions:  Why do you live in Canada?  Can't you just sneak down across the border?  Don't all Canadians, deep down, want to live in America?  

Sandra:  Fuck you, LG.
A plane-load of Canadians sneaking in. aren’t writing that down, are you? ‘Cause I don’t want the readers thinking I support that kind of language. I have a reputation for being politically correct and I’m quite proud of it.

The LG Report:  You write the highly-successful and entertaining blog "Absolutely Narcissism," which can be accessed by clicking HERE.   What's your favorite topic to write about, if you have one?  And, actually, we assume it's your "favourite," not "favorite."

Sandra: Of course it’s “favOUrite!” And I love love love writing about myself! Of course some people might think that I would run out of blog fodder only sharing stories about me, but somehow I never tire of posting pictures of my life:  pictures of me in the cutest dress, me in this super cute pair of jeans, me in this great bikini which totally shows off my chiseled abs…
Yes, it's really her.

Every once in awhile I’ll switch things up and post pictures of items which are representative of me, such as my sexy negligee, my sexy undergarments, my sex toy…ummm…can we scratch that last one out. I don’t actually own any sex toys. I wouldn’t want your readers to get the wrong idea about me…so you scratched that out?...Good, thanks…     

The LG Report:  Who's the Mayor of Canada these days?

Sandra: I think it’s Barack Obama?
…I’m not actually 100% sure though because I tend to avoid anything news related. It cuts into the time I spend staring at myself flexing in the mirror.
This is Sandra again.  Yes, really.  Between the cursing and this photo: Goodbye The LG Report's G-Rating!

The LG Report:  If America got into a war with Mexico, who would Canada support?  Remember, Mexico doesn't have any NHL teams. 

Sandra: …yawn…I’m sorry…did you say something? I tend to zone out when the topic is not about me…

Sandra, reading about someone else.

The LG Report:  Why does Canada have its own bacon?  What makes you so special?

Sandra:  Well, I’ll have you know LG, that the Canadian bacon you speak of can also be substituted as a hockey puck.

The LG Report:  You live in Winnipeg.  That's not really on most Americans' radar, although we've heard of the town, home to the famous recreational vehicle maker ("I'm driving across country in my Winnipeg recreational vehicle.")  What's the best aspect of living in Winnipeg? 

Sandra:  Oh Winnipeg is fantastic! It’s a little chilly for 10 months of the year, but June and July are awesome! Who wouldn’t love a place where you can leave the confines of your igloo for two whole months!

The LG Report:  Actors Mike Meyers, Michael J. Fox and Michael Cera are Canadian, as is singer Michael Buble and retired hockey great Mike Bossy.  Question: Do you have any other male names in Canada besides "Michael?"  

Sandra: Of course we do. You really shouldn’t make such assumptions, LG. For instance, my brother’s name is NOT Michael. It’s Mike. See!

The LG Report:  Speaking of famous Canadians, your country seems to have far more than its share of funny people.  Besides the aforementioned Mike Meyers and Michael J. Fox, Canada was also the birthplace of  Jim Carrey, John Candy, Dan Aykrod, Norm MacDonald, Phil Hartman, Rich Little, Eugene Levy, Leslie Nielson, Seth Rogan, Martin Short and, of course, you, Sandra, of "Absolutely Narcissism."   What makes so many Canadians inherently funny?  Does Canadian Club have anything to do with it?

Trying to get our G-Rating back.
Sandra: Well, you can only play so many hands of Go Fish when you’re stuck in the igloo for ten months.

The LG Report:  Would you rather watch an Olympic ice hockey game featuring the Canadian men's team with a cold Labatt's in hand, or attend a German Opera in a much-too-hot theatre seated next to a smelly homeless man?   Think this one over.   We have all day.    

Sandra: Is the smelly homeless guy good looking?

The LG Report:  If you could have dinner with any famous Canadian, living or dead (sometimes it's hard to tell the difference, we know), who would it be and why?

Sandra: Ok, so we’re not talking about the good looking smelly homeless guy anymore?

The LG Report:  Can you get us some cheap Viagra?  Wait, scratch that question.  It won't appear in the final edited version.  Different question:  On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you hate the obnoxious and arrogant country that is America? 

Sandra: I’m confused, just a second ago we were talking about a hot looking guy…

The LG Report:  What do you think is the biggest myth that citizens of other nations believe about Canada?

Sandra's feet were not visible in the bikini photo.
Sandra: That it’s always cold here…Are you ok, LG? Can I get you something: hot tea? Hot chocolate? Hot water bottle?  It might take me a few moments to make it to the kitchen; my left foot hasn’t been the same since it got frost bite in 2007.

The LG Report:  We haven't asked this question before in the Interview Series, but we think this is the time to bust it out:  What question should we have asked you that we didn't and what's your answer to said question?  

Sandra: You never asked me if I truly believe I will rule the world.  And the answer is yes!  Absolutely. Have you seen my Ugg collection? Anybody who owns this many pairs of Uggs has nowhere to go but up.

Sandra displaying some of her Uggs.

Thanks very much for being here today Sandra, we appreciate your good humor and willingness to step into the spotlight despite your modest ego.  We didn't need that stupid ole G-Rating anyway... 

We love your blog and hope that your success will continue to multiply.  And we encourage our readers to stop by at Absolutely Narcissism to check out your entertaining work for themselves.

That's it for today folks.  Please come back again soon.  And don't forget this week's special: Signing up to follow is free (and we won't even ask for your bank information to send you an inheritance!)    

Monday, February 14, 2011

A New - And True - Geo Story

The LG Report: An official selection of The Sundance Blog Festival. 


Ok, you busted us, there is no such thing as the "Sundance Blog Festival," and if there was, we certainly wouldn't be invited.  Can't blame us for trying.   Onward... 

The best photo ever taken of Geo.
Many of you know of Geo, who's now an worldwide Internet phenomenon.  If you're unfamiliar with him, you can click HERE.
for some of the exciting details.

Last night, Geo asked LG to join him and his wife, Anne, and another friend, Philip, for dinner at a place called Arctica.  It's on 28th and 3rd in NYC.  LG had never been.

Anne and Philip, who were already out and about, were going to meet Geo and LG there. 

Walking up 3rd Avenue, LG asked, "So, you've been here before Geo, how's the food?"  

"I've been there a few times, it's good," Said Geo, "Regular bar food, you'll like it." 

Geo steered LG into the place and told the hostess that they'd be a party of four.  She seated LG and Geo at a booth near the back. 

Geo ordered a bottle of wine.  About 15 minutes later, while sipping the generic red, he said "It's not like Philip to be this late.  Can you call Anne to find out where they are."  

As usual, Geo had lost his cell phone.  Which, itself, was a replacement for the previous cell phone that he had lost, or broken, or, possibly, lost after he broke it.  

Geo is very forgetful.  He's an absent-minded professor, only without the professor part. 

LG called Anne.  She answered by asking anxiously, "Where are you guys?  Philip and I are here at Arctica in the back.  When are you getting here?"

LG looked toward the very back of the bar.  He didn't see Anne or Philip.  Then he looked down and flipped the menu over.  The name of the place was "Choice. Kitchen and Cocktails." 

Geo had mistakenly brought LG to the wrong place.  Despite the fact that Geo had been to the right place multiple times before. 

Now Geo was sipping wine, while Anne and Philip languished in the correct place.

LG:  "Geo, you said you'd been to Arctica before."  

Geo: "I have.  This looked like it. Sorry."   Here's a photo of Geo in Choice, making the best of the situation:

Now here's a picture of Geo at Arctica: 

The pictures don't fully do the situation justice; the two establishments really don't look very similar inside. Notice, for example, that Arctica has no booths. 

After dinner, LG, Geo and Philip were walking together towards home.  They were about six blocks from Arctica when Geo said, "Shoot, I left my hat at the restaurant. I have to go back."  

"Which one?" LG asked. 

"I don't know.  I'm not sure if it was at Choice or Arctica,"  said Geo, as he abruptly excused himself and  scurried up the street to find his missing baseball cap.  

Hopefully Geo won't be offended by this post, but no matter if he is: he'll forget all about it in a day or two...

INTERVIEW SERIES CONTINUES!  The LG Report's  50-State Interview Series, which has now gone international as well, will continue in a day or two as we check in with Sandra from Canada.  Sandra is the author of the very funny and popular blog Absolutely Narcissism, and she has some great answers and insights for those of us yearning to know about our neighbors to the north.  

It'll be entertaining even for those who don't give a damn about our neighbors to the north, but just want some laughs.  So please check back soon to read what Sandra has to say -- you won't want to miss it!


Saturday, February 12, 2011

Doggie Redux

Note From The LG Report's Executive Suite: This is a re-posting of one of our most popular entries,  The LG Report's Cutest Dog Contest.  These are the photos and descriptions of the contestants.  First-time readers of this post will learn which dog won at the bottom.


Without further adieu, we proudly present the entrants in the 2010 LG Report Cutest Dog Contest:

Contestant #1:  Brune, who resides in Marin County, California, has the unique ability of being able to point to the closet bowl of dog food with her ear.  She holds (in her mouth) a master's degree from UC Davis, and has done a bit of runway modeling for Doggy + Gabana in the past.  She's a Libra and loves a moonlight stroll on the end of a long leash.  She's fluent in French, English, German and Dog.  Num num nummy...

Contestant #2: Busby is not begging for your vote, rather he's clapping for his favorite contestant on American Idol  (let's hope mentioning that show gets us some Google hits).  Busby lives in Yonkers, New York and enjoys surfing, hang gliding and playing the stock market. He recommends investments in Ralston Purina and Petsmart at the moment.  His owner never suspected that her fingers would figure so prominently in a national competition.  Looks like a nice manicure anyway.

Contestant #3: Doc holds (also in his mouth) a doctorate in psychology from Kansas State University.  He's a playful lad who was only too happy to stick his tongue out for the camera ("No thanks Doc, I use toilet paper!") (Sorry, we couldn't resist that one...)   Docky loves Agatha Christie novels and snuggling by the fireplace with his favorite squeaky toy.  He's also a big fan of HOB's "Curb Your Dog and Your Enthusiasm."  Doc lives in Boston's Leather District.  No, it's not like that though.

Contestant #4: Ellie is the sister of Contestant #1, Brune.  Also residing in Marin County, California, Ellie is a zealous crusader for a greener earth, although she admits to making certain parts of our planet brown about twice a day.  Ellie, as you can see, is a bit camera shy.  She's a master of origami and worked for a while writing jokes for Don Rickles.  She loves Manolo Blahnik chew.

Contestant #5:  Heidi perfected this "come hither" pose while working as a model for Calvin Klein Canine Jeans (advertising motto: "How does my butt smell in these jeans?")  Here Heidi looks out the window of her Long Branch, NJ home while waiting for Paris Hilton to pick her up for an evening out with the girls.  Heidi once dated heartthrob actor Eric Dane of "Gray's Anatomy" fame.  They had an ugly break-up, however, and Heidi left a big McSteamy on his front lawn, hence the nickname.

Contestant #6:  Herbie's parents were infatuated with the music of Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass and wanted to pay homage to him with the name of their son.  Herbie grew up to become a musician himself, and later went on to play with Don Ho's band in Hawaii.  This photo was taken after a gig in Maui with Don and the boys.  Later in the evening, Herbie painted the town red with Don and his family, so, basically, he was partying with all the Ho's that night.  Herbie fell on hard times for a stretch, but eventually beat his Snausages addiction and moved back to the East Coast.  Herbie lives in Boston and runs a habadashery (never expected to see that word again in your life, did you?) for small men.  Herbie has been Snausages-free for six years, three weeks, four days and seven hours.  Congrats Herbie!

Contestant #7: Jake, a resident of the Jersey Shore, is a follower of Zen Buddhism.  He lives the mellow life, unless you ride by his house on a bicycle.  Not a fan of physical exertion, except on his nightly walks, Jake prefers to chase only parked cars.  Sometimes he's so tired that he has to take a nap before he can work up the energy to go to sleep.  Jake was once married to Rosie O'Donnell but, he tells us,  "I couldn't stand her loud mouth and constant yapping.  And she was always breaking into my treat stash."  Today Jake is a practicing CPA with the international accounting firm of Price Doghouse.

Contestant #8: Here we see Lilly romping in the leaves with her buddy Steve.  Lilly lives in the Albany, NY area, where she was once Lieutenant Governor of the State of New York.  Lilly resigned because she couldn't stand all of the incompetence in state government.  She also says that envelopes full of Milk Bone biscuits were regularly passed under the table. Lilly enjoys painting, collecting U.S. Postal Service Letter Carrier hats and scrapbooking.  She currently makes her living as a cartoonist.

Contestant #9: Ralphie is a Brittany (no relation to Spears) from the North Shore of Massachusetts.  He's a former sea captain out of Gloucester, MA and was an extra in the movie "The Perfect Storm," where he played a dog named Ralphie.  Contrary to what some believe, Ralphie was not named after Ralph Kramden of "The Honeymooners," but rather another TV character: Ralph Malph of "Happy Days" [See photo on right for resemblance.]  Ralphie devotes significant time to children's charities.  He also asked us to mention that he hates broccoli.  [Editor's Note: None of the prizes for this contest contain broccoli.]

Contestant #10: Skipper got her name back in the 1990s, when she was the captain of a charter sailboat out of Catalina Island, California.  However, years of ferrying Hollywood stars around the Pacific wore her down eventually (Skipper was briefly married to Jeremy Piven), and she hung up her life vest and waterproof collar years ago to retire to the Orlando, Florida area.  Skipper (also sometimes called "Skippy") enjoys fetching Tolstoy books, watching the New York Yankess and doing Sudoku puzzles. 

Contestant #11: If Satan had a dog, it might be Sophie.  Wait, that's not Satan!  Actually, Sophie is "still just a baby," as her owner is quick to point out when she chews up your favorite...leg.  Sophie still has plenty of time to learn her manners, her owner reminds us.  We just hope that the teacher quickly gets to the part of the course about not farting when people are watching TV near you.  As a purebred German Sheppard living at the Jersey Shore, Sophie enjoys her beer and bratwurst when not playing volleyball or riding the waves.  She's currently studying modern dance at Julliard, but moonlights as an exotic dancer to pay her bills.  Sophie once won an episode of "Are you Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?" by gnawing all of the other contestants to death.  She also enjoys knitting.

Contestant #12: Star is a mini-Doberman.   Here she's pictured trying to sneak up on Trick-or-Treaters while disguised as a pumpkin.  Star is not realistic when it comes to picking out disguises.  This pooch resides in the City of Brotherly Love and is an avid fan of the Philadelphia Flyers, Phillies and Eagles.  "The Sixers you can keep," she says, "I'd rather watch Villanova basketball."  Star is a licensed pilot who loves to chase U.S. Postal Service planes.  She's also an avid reader of The LG Report and says she'd love to grab a bite of Geo someday.  Oops, we mean a bite with Geo.  Typo.

Contestant #13:  Sunny the pug is a state senator (Independent Party) in Vermont.  Sunny graduated with a 3.4 GPA from Penn State University (she turned down a full scholarship offer to be the Yale mascot) with a major in Food Science.  She relocated to Vermont to accept a position as a senior "taster" with Ben + Jerry's Ice Cream in South Burlington.  Her rise through the political ranks of Vermont has been swift.  The Burlington Free Press called her a "PUGnacious campaigner with dogged determination."  That green collar was given to her by PETA in recognition of her efforts at passing eco-friendly legislation.  When her new dental insurance kicks in she'll have that one protruding tooth corrected, so back off.  Yeah, you.

Contestant #14: Tippy VIII is a descendant of King George of England (what other dog would have a "VIII" after his name?) and occupied various posts in the English Parliament before emigrating to Philadelphia.  In this country, Tippy VIII is a professional philosopher and can be seen here contemplating the right tree to bark up.  Tippy VIII loves to watch polo matches (and chase after the horses) and is a big fan of Manchester United.  But he's adopted some of the traditions of his new country, preferring a good old Philly cheesesteak over scones and tea any day of the week.  And, as an Englishman, Tippy VIII likes to hoist a good pint or five.  On some occasions, Tippy has been known to become Tipsy Tippy. Lotta work for that punchline, we know.    
Postscript: Contestant #10, Skipper, won the contest in a close vote.  She received a bag of treats, for which she sent us a very nice thank you note.  
That's it for today folks.  We look forward to seeing you back here again for a new post soon.

Friday, February 11, 2011

The Justin Bieber Movie Reviewed!

Here's the review of "Never Say Never":  It sucks. 

Seriously, regular readers of The LG Report will not be surprised to hear that we didn't see this movie.  You know when we plan on seeing it? Never!  

There JB, we just said "never" even though you told us not to.  What are you gonna do about it?  Don't screw with LG or he'll mess up your hair. 

So why the blog post?  Do you think we're pandering to the millions of teenage girls Googling "Justin Bieber Movie" just to rack up extra hits?  

Is that how little you think of The LG Report's integrity?  

Well, err, um, you'd be right.  But we're sure it sucks anyway.

You're probably feeling about now that you deserve more, possibly even a real review, after being sucked in by the misleading blog post title.  OK, here we go:

Justin Bieber's expression while watching his movie.
Never Say Never was a totally flat film with no appreciable acting, music played much too loud and too frequently, and, overall, the zeitgeist (always a good word in movie reviews) didn't accurately reflect modern-day social-economic complexities.  Nor did this movie probe the multi-layered emotions of today's young adults as trapped in the neo-psychological matrix of society's subconscious. Also, it sucked. 

Did that work for you?  We hope so.

LG's friends Lee and Janine both offered to pay for his ticket and popcorn to see the film, but he declined.  LG wonders if that offer is transferable to "The Hangover 2."

In other news, Egypt's Hosni Mubarak resigned today.   The LG Report is proud to break the story that his resignation was delayed by prolonged negotiating over whether he'd get to take his stapler, desk lamp and other office supplies with him.  This is the inside story that you won't see on or FOX News.  He obviously took the advice that it's better to resign on a Friday so that you then have the weekend to look for another country to rule tyrannically over.  He should try

That is a pretty cool desk lamp. The headset is dated though, they can keep it.  No wonder everyone wanted him out:  What a rude dictator, listening to his iPod while negotiating with world leaders.  No manners. 

Also, Lindsay Lohan says she just "borrowed" that necklace that she's accused of stealing.  Common mistake.  Al Capone was a big borrower too.

That's it for today folks, LG has to run to the theater.  Not to see the Justin Bieber movie of course, something else. He just forgets the name of it right now...