Thursday, July 29, 2010

My Beef With A Certain Driver...

Have you ever become extremely annoyed with a driver in front of you who was just hot dogging it, driving crazily, all over the place, showing off and just generally being a wiener

I recently had such an experience.

The car ahead of me was doing stupid things; I wanted to yell, but I couldn't ketchup in time to say anything. 

Finally, she pulled over and I got out and said, "I want to be frank with you, you're a bad driver.  Your skills behind the wheel simply don't cut the mustard."  I was on a roll.

I was red hot.  

When she got out to talk to me, I immediately noticed that she had nice buns.   Sexist, I know.  She also seemed to have a rather sauer personality, but I let it go. 

Anyway, I told her my beef and grilled her for a few minutes about her driving habits.  We then shook hands and both got back into our respective cars and drove away. 

Luckily, I got a picture of her car, just in case the police need it in the future.  Here's what it looked like:

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Criminal Assistance Program

Let's say your kids are really starting to bug you.  And we mean REALLY starting to bug you, to the point where you wouldn't mind if someone would take them off your hands for a while. 

You, know, like kidnapping them. 

What would be the best way to go about getting it done?  Well, a good start would be to advertise their availability like this:
As we can see, while daddy is off working and mom is enjoying her shopping time, the kids are playing field hockey and football.  There are also two dogs waiting to be snatched in the yard.  What an excellent advertising campaign!

Here's another one.  This diagram would lead one to believe that mommy and daddy sleep upstairs while Junior is downstairs with the dog.  These decals are made of a special static-cling material so that Junior's image will come off in a jiffy when he gets snatched.

What a thoughtful way to help kidnappers find their prey!  That's why we call it the CAP: Criminal Assistance Program. 

In this household, it looks like we have two women, one who loves to garden (we picked up the subtle clue) and one who loves to shop.  Or is it two sides of the same woman?  She/They also have two dogs and a cat.  We guess they ran out of "Loves to post idiotic decals on her car" decals. 

Displaying these decals, like skateboarding, should be a crime.

PS: Geo's wife Anne played a major role in inspiring this posting; she's the most vocal anti-family-decals-on-car-windows opponent we know...

PS 2.0:  If any of your faithful LG Report readers have similar stickers on your car, rest assured that we're not making fun of you so please don't stop reading because of this posting...thanks!

Friday, July 23, 2010

Random Thoughts

Well it should be.  

And who bothers making up these signs?  It seems like there's almost unlimited growth potential for a business that makes signs telling people what things aren't crimes.  They should be running their production lines 24/7.  That wouldn't be a crime either (another sign idea...)

OK, dogs I'll allow to skateboard.  That shouldn't be a crime. 

I'm always amused by obituaries (yes, I've hit the age where I scan's not a crime...I find it interesting to read about people's abbreviated life stories...) that say things like "Lived in the area 15 years ago," or "Son lives in Middletown," or "Once had a cup of coffee in this county on way to Florida."

Couple other quick thoughts: 

* I'm pitching a TV series idea to The Discovery Channel.  It's about men who die or suffer severe injuries picking tomatoes to supply Heinz.  It's called "The Deadliest Ketchup."  

*  All businesses advertise that they're "Conveniently Located."  My ass.  How do they know exactly where you are and what's convenient to you?  Although I guess they're within their rights to say this since, like skateboarding, it's not a crime... 

Until next time kidz.  And don't forget to recommend The LG Report to all your friends....thanks.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The LG Report's FREE Career Evaluation Test For Your Child...And Other Thoughts...

People approach LG all the time (let me know when referring to myself in the third person REALLY starts to bug you; I won't stop, of course, but at least I'll know for sure that it bugs you...) and ask "LG, can you help me figure out what career my kid should pursue?"  

Not being a parent myself, I am, of course, the perfect person to provide career guidance to youngsters. 

So I've developed this simple test to determine if your child has natural talents in the engineering field.  

By now you've noticed that 7-11 logo up in the corner.  Yes, my test does have something to do with 7-11, but it's probably not what you think.  I won't have your kid working at 7-11 for a career, don't worry.   Sit back and entrust your child's future to LG's homemade test.  Thank you. 

When you go to 7-11 store to purchase one of LG's all-time favorite products, the most excellent Slurpee, you will encounter an array of lids for the cups.  LG meant to take a Blackberry camera photo of said array, but he didn't get around to it (sometimes in my Slurpee zeal, I forget things).  Here's what it sorta looks like courtesy of the internet:

This picture was obviously taken outside the U.S., since the lids are measured in "litres," but that's OK, it works for our purposes in determining the lifelong career path of your snot-nosed kid.  Err, I mean your angelic child.

So here's the test: have your kid pick out his/her desired size Slurpee cup.  Then, giving him/her one shot, ask them to choose the lid that fits that cup without any pre-measurements.  If your kid can pick out the right lid just by sight, he or she is destined to be a star in the field of engineering. They obviously have talents in spatial relations, geometric design, etc. 

If they choose a lid that is an inch too big or small, you've got yourself an English major.

LG just saved you thousands of dollars in costly career assessment fees.  Throw me a bone and post a comment and/or get me some more followers, that's the coin of the realm around here in BloggerLand.  Thanks.

Some random LG thoughts that have been piling up over the past week:

  • Every call center in America is perpetually experiencing "higher call volumes than normal" and advises you to "listen carefully as our call options have recently changed."  I would politely ask all of those companies to take a flying suck. 
  • Every buyer of gold, silver and other commodities (and there are plenty these days) advertises "Highest prices paid."  Where's the guy who pays the lowest prices and makes the biggest profit?  Doesn't exist apparently.  The high price payers can take a flying suck too.
  • I love when the police bust militia nuts or other weapons-hoarding losers and then make a big show of it on TV, laying out all of the firearms for the cameras to see.  Invariably, here's how the list of confiscated items reads: 
    • 54 automatic machine guns;
    • 43 Uzis;
    • 94 semi-automatic pistols;
    • 22 hand grenades;
    • 600 rounds of ammunition;
    •  3 bazookas;
    • 1 anti-aircraft gun; and 
    • a samuri sword.  They all always have one goddam samari sword.  Why is that?  Do they expect Kung Fu to attack them?  He's dead, they can let the samurai sword go...
OK, that's it for today kids, keep clicking back and don't forget to recruit new LG Report followers.  Next time someone solicits you for the 100-Mile Walk to End Ingrown Toenails or the like, bug them back by asking them to become and LG Report follower.  Thanks much!

Saturday, July 17, 2010

The Windier City

LG just returned from a trip to Chicago, where he moderated a panel discussion at an insurance conference.  Some of you might think that all of LG's talking added to the already considerable wind in the Windy City. 

Fair point, can't deny it.

While LG was there, Ill-annoying people (clever pun, we know...), he took some pictures for the viewing pleasure of you, dear valued LG Report readers.  Without further adieu....

See this sign, what do you make of it?  I didn't take it seriously either. 

It stands in the middle of the block where President Barack Obama's familial homestead is located in the Hyde Park section of Chicago.   Wanna know the exact address?  Google it for yourself. 

As a U.S. taxpayer, I felt I had a right to walk down said block and snap a picture of said house for the good readers of said LG Report.  Well said, I know...

The place was about a 15-block walk from my ill-chosen Ramada Hotel.  DO NOT STAY at the Lakeshore Ramada if you visit Chicago, especially if you don't like ants crawling on your bathroom floor.  I didn't actually mind that so much, but it was a $20 cab ride to downtown.

Anyway, where was I... oh, so I walked 15-blocks in 95-degree heat to snap a photo of Casa Obama.  As I got close, a square-jawed "I-Ain't-Fooling-With-You" Secret Service agent raced his black SUV up to me. 

He told me that I was on "restricted premises" and asked if I saw the sign banning pedestrians (not the one pictured above, another one.)  I said I had, but that it wasn't clear, it appeared to only ban people from walking in the street, not on the sidewalk, where I was.

"We're going to fix that," he said, tacitly admitting that I had discovered a Secret Service error, before advising me to immediately turn back and circle the block if I wanted a photo.  Easy for him to say, sitting in an air conditioned SUV.  I wanted some of my tax money's worth of that A/C but I didn't bother asking for a lift.

Anyway, here are the two photos that I managed to get with my Blackberry spy phone, the same model endorsed by the recently-deported Russian agents, as well as Mel Gibson's ex-girlfriend:

As you can see, you can't really see.  The Secret Service doesn't want just any stinkin' taxpayer waltzing up to take photos of the President's personal residence. 

I was busted. 

I walked back to the Roach Radisson in what felt like underwater-level humidity and searing heat.  When I arrived, I burned my clothes in the bathtub and killed a few hundred ants.  Some of the others, though, seemed to be roasting marshmallows. 

This was the view out of the Mid-America club window (80th floor), where the conference was held.  That's Iowa in the background and South America behind that. 

This photo was snapped from the boat upon which the conference attendees sailed on Thursday night on Lake Michigan.  That big floating ball on the left side is an UFO.  I'm selling this picture to the National Enquirer so back off, I saw it first.  That Ferris wheel on the right side is Chicago's attempt to mimic Seaside Heights and "The Jersey Shore."  Can't blame them.

Here the camera is pointing out the front door of my flea-bitten hotel/motel.  That's Lake Michigan in the background, just above the guard rail.  Trust me, you'd rather stay overnight in that passenger van on the left than in any of the rooms of this Ramada.

This is my friend Tom who lives in Atlanta but was in Chicago on business.  He probably doesn't want to be pictured on the blog, so I won't say too much about him. Plus, the less you know, the better for everyone.

This is Terminal C at O'Hare Airport.  See the guy on the left in the jeans and black shirt?  He is locally renowned for walking through O'Hare all day (weekdays only) in a pattern on the black-and-white floor squares that approximate championship-winning chess moves from days gone by.  He's been featured on CBS, PBS, ESPN and in People Magazine.  On this particular day, he was re-enacting Fisher/Spassky 1972.    

Wait, sorry, I just made that up.  But if you believed me during the time it took you to scroll down here, please slap yourself upside the head.  Come on, we're using the honor system here, do it and make it hurt a bit.  Thanks.

Ok, folks, that's it for now.  We'll be back soon with a new posting, in the meantime, keep clicking in and referring us to family, friends, enemies and frenemies!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Photos of the Week

Internet media star Geo was seen dining out in Manhattan last night, shortly after appearing at a screening of his blockbuster autobiographical film, "Despicable Me." Fellow reality celebrity Bethany Frankel had just left Geo's table (his left arm had been around her; we're sure you can imagine her in that empty space.)  And don't think that we mentioned Bethany Frankel just to attract Google hits because she's on the cover of People Magazine this week.   We're not that low.  Or are we?

Not all baking in the world is being done on the premises of the Red Lion Diner.  Someone please alert the authorities to this false advertising.

Obviously he was destined from birth to go into the pizza business with a name like that.

If you have a dog who insists on bringing dead birds and other incapacitated animals into the house, you'll understand LG's instincts with the captioned.  Whenever I am asked to unclog a drain, I must show its contents to the drain owner, much like a dog bringing its prized possum into the house. 

Here you see two hair clumps that I retrieved last weekend from two different drains.  Fascinating, I know.  Hey, you're the one reading this blog! 

We apologize for the rather offensive nature of some of this week's photos but we were recently forced to fire The LG Report's official censor, Mel Gibson, who proved to not be up to the task.

Thanks for clicking in, and please keep coming back, there are some good features coming soon! [Honest...]


Monday, July 12, 2010

My Meanest Practical Joke Ever (Yes, Ever!)

While I'm on the topic of my days as a summer employee at 7Up (if you missed it, you can scroll down to the previous posting, or take a hi-tech shortcut by simply clicking here ), I'll share with you the cruelest practical joke I ever played. 

And I've played many practical jokes in my day; hundreds, at least, if not thousands. 

This one was bad. 

Let's turn the clock back to the summer of 1982.  I was a college student driving a truck and doing whatever was needed at the local Jersey Shore 7Up distributorship. 

In those days, New Jersey lottery drawings were held only once a week, on Thursdays -- the big drawing anyway -- and it was televised at 8pm.  There was no internet or recorded phone line that you could use to get the winning numbers. 

One Thursday, I pulled my truck into the warehouse around the usual time, 5 pm.  

Tony, one of three forklift operators who worked from 4pm until midnight loading trucks for the next day's deliveries, told me that he and the other two forklift guys, Steve and Mike, had each chipped in $50 to buy tickets for that night's drawing.  

The jackpot was up to $11 million and, in those days, that was real money.  Today, I wouldn't bother crossing the street for $11 million, but that was real scratch in 1982. .

A stroke of inspiration hit me immediately. 

"Let me see one of your lottery tickets," I said to Tony.  "I'll write down the six numbers, and then I'll call back after 8 o'clock and say that I saw the drawing on TV.  I'll read back these numbers and you let Mike and Steve think that you guys won."

"Yeah, yeah, great idea," Tony said as he enthusiastically showed me one of the tickets.

Later that night, I called the warehouse from home.  I read the six numbers to Steve, saying that I had just gotten them off the TV.

I later found out that the three men had retreated into the company lunch room, which had a full-length plate glass door.  They spread the tickets out on a lunch table.  Steve was the one who first came across what he thought was the winner. 

"We won, we won!!" he started screaming as he bolted up from the table and rammed his hand into the plate glass door in a euphoric attempt to open it. 

Instead, he hit the glass too hard -- and at a bad angle -- and the entire door shattered, cutting his hand. Here's what I imagined it looked like.  First this:

Then this:

"Oh no, you broke the glass!" Tony later told me he said.

"Screw it, who cares?!" yelled Steve. "We'll buy a new door.  We'll buy a new warehouse.  We'll buy the company!" 

With that, he and Mike ran into the warehouse, unoccupied by humans at this hour, and began throwing 2-liter bottles of 7Up everywhere, the entire time cursing the company and yelling about what they were going to do with their share of the $11 million. 

Tony was petrified. 

He suddenly realized that his two colleagues would be furious with him when he broke the news that they had not won the $11 million.  He later told me that it took him about three or four minutes to work up the courage to finally tell them that it was all a joke. 

Whenever people tell me how cruel they think this practical joke was, I remind them that for three or four minutes I caused a couple of guys to feel really elated.  They probably experienced a more focused and intense happiness than many people ever feel in their lifetimes. 

This was not run-of-the-mill "I'm glad my kids got through college with a degree"-type happiness.  This was "I won the effing lottery!"-type EUPHORIA.  It doesn't come along very frequently. 

Am I rationalizing?  Probably. 

The next day, when I pulled my truck into the warehouse, Steve was the first to greet me.  His hand looked like this: 

Well, maybe not with that fake red blood stain, but close. 

These were three unhappy campers.

Despite the fact that Tony was originally in on the joke, and I couldn't have pulled it off  without his cooperation, he was now squarely on the sanctimonious "We're going to get you back," bandwagon.  In fact, I think he was driving it. 

For the rest of that summer I was constantly looking over my shoulder and around corners wherever I went.  This would've been my new work headgear had it been available to me:

But, luckily, nothing happened. 

I think the sting of the moment eventually wore off.  I just hope that none of those guys read blogs, not this one anyway.  After all, they felt really great for a few minutes....

Coming Soon:
- LG checks in from a road trip to Chicago later this week
- Our interview with Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino of MTV's The Jersey Shore
- Ben sits down, and mans up, to represent Illinois in the LG Report's 50-State Interview Series 

Friday, July 9, 2010

Lessons From 7-Up

Earlier this week, I saw the obituary on the left in the Asbury Park Press.  Joe Martuscelli worked at the old 7-Up plant (long since gone) at the Jersey Shore during the four college summers when I was employed there as a "Utility Man." 

It doesn't sound glamorous, but I was in a union (the Teamsters; don't make me break your head) and made more than twice the minimum hourly wage.  I did whatever the company needed, from delivering tanks of soda syrup to bars, restaurants and Monmouth Park Race Track, to dropping off and setting up soda vending machines at locations all around the Shore.  There were other tasks too, but they were too complicated to explain to a lay audience. 

Joe retired from 7-Up in 1985, not long after my last summer there, with 37 years of service to the company under his belt.  He was a good and honest man who worked hard.

I remember my first week on the job, in June of 1981, when Joe gave me a piece of advice about Corporate America that rings as true today as it did when he first said it. 

As I lifted a heavy pallet of soda cans, Joe interrupted with, "Whoa, whoa, easy, use your legs, lift with your legs, not your back.  If you get hurt, 7-Up won't give a shit about you."

He was right, of course; Corporate America really doesn't have much of a heart.  A number of large international companies who I would later go on to work for reinforced the wisdom of Joe's advice.  His words have come to mind occasionally throughout my career, and then again when I saw his obit.

I could probably write an entire book about the lessons that I learned during four summers at 7-Up, but I'll only share one more here (hey, gotta keep the readers coming back...)  

Early on in my tenure, I observed a repeated behavior which I nicknamed "The 7-Up Rule."  Many of my friends are aware of, and adhere to, The 7-Up Rule rule to this day.

Whenever two guys were on the truck together and would stop for a lunch break -- usually at a fast food place or pizzeria -- one guy would pay for both, but he always waited until the other guy had ordered before announcing that the tab was his. 

This prevented the first guy from running up the bill with a huge order, knowing that someone else was footing the bill.  It's still a sound practice -- never announce that you're going to buy a meal until after your guest has ordered. 

Every time you follow this rule, somewhere, from above, Joe will be smiling down on you.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

The LG Report's Photos of the Week

"Photos of the Week? I've never seen that on The LG Report before," you're saying to yourself. 

It's a new feature, which may actually be weekly, or not.  We'll see.  Just roll with it. 

Sometime in the not-too-distant future, Political Correctness will totally engulf our society.  PC-ness will swallow us whole, like a python devouring a field mouse.  At that point, you won't be able to talk about, ask about, refer to, or in any way acknowledge any differences between people.  When that occurs, and we are no longer allowed to inquire as to one's gender, The LG Report has the perfect question to glean that information without being overtly non-PC.  Here is it:

Have you ever, at any time and under any circumstances, paid for one or more items at a cash register by writing a check? 

Here's the Teacher's Edition Answer Key:  If the response is "Yes," you're dealing with a woman.  If the response is "No," then your specimen is man.  Simple as that.

This brings us to our first Photo of the Week:

See that woman in the vomit green shirt, hunched over the counter scribbling out her check to the cashier?  She held me up for almost five minutes at the Eddie Bauer Outlet with her check-writing BS.  It's a form of false imprisonment, I say.  And, to make matters worse -- and I swear this is true -- the other cash register was also tied up at the EXACT SAME TIME by a woman writing a check.  It's a good thing Eddie Bauer doesn't sell guns.  And notice how she's trying to hide her face from any bloggers who may be in the store?  She knows she's doing everyone else dirty.  The least she could've done was turn around and face the stink-eye that I was giving her head on.  

I've never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever seen a man write a check in a store.  If you have, please post a comment exposing said man and we'll drum him out of the gender at our next meeting.

Next Photo of the Week:

This was taken at a carwash at the Jersey Shore.  There are laws against false advertising.  I looked extensively in the vicinity of this vacuum and could not find a bathroom, so I don't know what this sign was referring to, unless urinating in public is suddenly legal.  Maybe it was directing patrons to that bed of rocks in the background?

Finally, our last Photo of the Week:

Come on, seriously.  Seriously?  "Mountain Charge?"  ShopRite, you're better than that.  Why not just call it "Mountain Doo."  I assume the clever-niks who came up with this one thought that consumers would associate the "charge" with the jolt that Mountain Dew's high caffeine content gives a person.  Although, maybe the "charge" is meant to convey how customers should pay for it.  If that's the case, then to attract female consumers they should've named it "Mountain Check Writing." 

That's it for today folks.  I'm here all week. Please take care of your waitresses and bartenders!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Lights, Camera, Action! The LG Report's 50-State Interview Series Stops in California!

Today The LG Report hops on a plane (private, of course, we can’t travel with the unwashed masses…) and wings it out to the Left Coast to interview the mysterious and reclusive “Mr. D.”, our California representative in The LG Report’s 50-State Interview Series. Mr. D. is a partner at a major San Francisco-based law firm, but his identity has been concealed in order to avoid compromising the nation’s homeland security program (it is believed that he moonlights as a spy for Uzbekistan).

OK, no more delaying with the Golden State interview, let’s have at it….

The LG Report: Mr. D., please explain the term “Californication” to us. You can use photos if need be, just none of farm animals.

Mr. D.: I think it’s a 3-way with Barbara Boxer and Schwarzenegger. Not recommended for the inexperienced.

The LG Report: Other than San Francisco, what’s the best city in the state and why?

Mr. D.: Not sure about the city, but the best state is definitely bliss.

The LG Report: If someone were coming to California for just one day, what would you recommend that they do?

Mr. D.: The true California experience would entail sitting in traffic on the 405 en route to an elective surgery procedure in your status car that you can’t afford while aloofly refusing to interact with others or engage in any meaningful or lasting human relationships, your tanned visage staring blankly ahead as you wash down a handful of valium with a wheat grass-sushi latte, listening to the Eagles, and dodging the process server who’s working for your 7th wife (currently in rehab) who left you for a cocaine-addicted tennis instructor who claims to be an aspiring actor. And who says we lack substance?

The LG Report: Just curious, are you the Zodiac Killer?

Mr. D.: I get that a lot, but no. The truth is I was busy strangling other victims in Southern California at the time.

The LG Report: Are you by any chance the Hillside Strangler?

Mr. D.: See prior answer.

An actual photo of our interviewee, on the far left, playing with his band "Almost There."  Apparently, he had just come from his night job at Wendy's ("Eat Great Late!") and was still wearing his smock.

The LG Report: People say all Californians are nutty, drug users, wacked-out liberals, etc. What do you say to those people? We’ll wait while you exhale. That bong’s not going anywhere.

Mr. D.: [cough cough]. That’s a totally unfair and sweeping generalization. 99% of the nutty, wacked-out liberal, drug users in Cali give the rest of us a bad name.

The LG Report: Are you aware that medical marijuana was not legal throughout your college years?

Mr. D.: Yeah, whatever. I’m not saying pot should be legal; but at least be consistent in terms of how you treat all things that cause damage to society. I mean how can pot be illegal but folk dancing isn’t?

The LG Report: Have you ever smoked a “fatty” of the type that Cheech and Chong made famous in the movie “Up in Smoke?” Before you answer that, are Cheech and Chong partners in your law firm?

Mr. D.: Yes and I inhaled; but it turned out to be filled only with oregano thus preserving my presidential aspirations.

If you Google "California" and click on "Images," this photo comes up under the 10th tab.  Honest.  We're not just using that as an excuse to post a photo of a woman in a bikini to get more readers and clicks.  Really.

 The LG Report: Your governor can’t pronounce the name of your state correctly. Does that worry you?

Mr. D.: Nein, mein herr!

The LG Report: If internet superstar Geo came to California to have his footprints immortalized in the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and you were looking to harm him, would you: 1) tell him that you were conducting a dry run and encase his feet in cement before dropping him off the Golden Gate Bridge; 2) Strategically place him between a double In-And-Out Burger and Rosie O’Donnell; or 3) Send him down the Sonny Bono ski run at Tahoe?

Editor's Note: Mr. D. does not know Geo and felt uncomfortable in answering this question.  A typical California/flaky thing to do -- refuse to kill or harm someone you don't know.  It's not that way in New York, we can tell you that!

The LG Report: A bear is California’s state symbol, to some degree anyway, if you discount the Cheech and Chong fatty. Where does it go to the bathroom?

Mr. D.: It depends on if anyone’s there to hear it. (Sorry, we Californians are very metaphysical and deep so I must answer some of your questions with questions of my own.)

The LG Report: Were you present during the Manson murders? You can tell us.

Mr. D.: What?? I thought the Mansons were all still alive and well. Did somebody kill them? How awful!!

The LG Report: What do our readers not know about California that you’d like to tell them? Do not mention the Castro District of San Francisco in your answer. Thank you.

Mr. D.: It is still legal to breastfeed yourself in public in most parts of the state.

The LG Report: And, finally, if you had to come up with a new state motto for California, what would it be? Do not mention the Castro District of San Francisco in your answer. Thank you.

Mr. D.: “California: Just like granola--take away the fruits and nuts and all you’re left with is a bunch of flakes!”

This map of California shows, shaded in green, the areas where the nutty and wacked-out people live.

 Thanks for participating today Mr. D., we’re sure that your insightful answers will win tons of new clients for your law firm. Or not. Either way, we don’t really care. But we appreciate your effort, usually people like you are too busy for us.

And thanks for reading The LG Report folks!

Coming Soon:  The first lesson LG ever learned about corporate America, a photo that reveals a major difference between the sexes (sorry, it's rated "G"), and a blatant product rip-off exposed.  Click back often!

Monday, July 5, 2010

Seaside Heights (and Depths): July 4th at The Jersey Shore

Look, let's lay our cards on the table.  If you read The LG Report, you're at least familiar with the MTV show "The Jersey Shore."   Odds are good that you're even a full-on regular viewer. 

Admit it.  The truth will set you free.

Today, LG went to Seaside Heights, where the majority of "The Jersey Shore" is filmed, to provide a firsthand account of the boardwalk for our readers. 

It's a long holiday weekend and we don't want your head to hurt too much from reading, so this is mostly a picture essay with captions.  You like it that way, we know.

The crowd on the boardwalk in Seaside Heights is eclectic, to say the least.  And their fashion sense reflects this; it's far-ranging and liberal when it comes to boardwalk-wear.   As Geo observed, "You can't really wear anything that makes you look bad on this boardwalk."  The picture above doesn't really do the assortment justice, but LG avoided pointing the camera at some of the more exotic looking ensembles for fear of instigating a fight.

This picture gives you a bit of a better sense of the assortment of fashions.  The majority of the people visible in this photo have done something illegal in the last 24 hours, no doubt. 

As LG walked past this fine establishment, he heard a woman in front if him say to her friend (100% true):  "I just feel like I should get something pierced."  The mood just struck her, much like one might say "I feel like eating a hot dog today."  Cruisin & Co. is clearly a high-end retailer, possibly a subsidiary of Tiffany & Co.  Who else would proudly advertise on their sign "Nascar Apparel?"  Note the dummy on the right side of the photo.  And the mannequin next to him.

How many people can you spot in this photo wearing things that they shouldn't be wearing?  The over/under is 10.

It's hard to read the sign among all the tank tops, but smack in the middle of this photo is a guessing booth.  The 19-year old "expert guesser" attempts to guess one's age within two years, weight within three pounds or birth month within two.  If he's wrong, the participant receives a prize.  Here's LG's actual conversation with the guesser (yes, actual!):

LG: "How do they train you to do this job?"

Guesser: "They don't, I just answered an ad on Craigslist."

LG:  "But if you guess wrong frequently, it can cost them money."

Guesser: "I usually guess wrong, everyone has been winning today."

LG suspected the Guesser was high or, possibly, just N-RITH (Not Right In The Head.)

Henry used his considerable baseball prowess and rifle arm to knock down three heavy (leaden) milk bottles, twice, in order to win the largest prize in the booth, a big Pikachu doll on just his first three throws.  LG spent about $90 to win two considerably smaller prizes.   

This is the ride called "Sky Scraper."  Two people get strapped into seats on each end and are spun around in all sorts of ways at a fairly high altitude.  You'd probably puke if you rode it.  LG believes that a good business would be to sell umbrellas to the people waiting in line below.

If LG ever goes to the electric chair (which may be the solar-powered chair in our green future), his last meal will definitely have waffles and ice cream involved.  Kohr's, a New Jersey boardwalk institution, would be the provider.  On a more optimistic note, LG would also have waffles and ice cream served at his first state dinner should he be elected president of the United States.  In either event, don't spare the powdered sugar!

Here's a look at said waffles and ice cream before LG launched his offensive on them.  That's one order, cut in two.  LG would take his sweet time working this way through these babies if he knew 500 volts of electricity were awaiting him at after the meal.  He'd also be slow if he knew he'd have to make small talk with the prime minister of Sweden.  You can see how this could easily go either way...

The day ended with a good old-fashioned Fourth of July fireworks display. 

It was quite enjoyable, despite those phone lines visible in the foreground.  LG pulled the car over to the side of the road and insisted on watching the entire presentation, despite everyone in the vehicle's impatience and desire to get going.  As LG pointed out, you're not really a patriotic American unless you watch the fireworks in their entirety. 

LG has already e-mailed the names of everyone in the car to the authorities investigating the Russan spy ring.

Happy July 4th everyone from The LG Report