Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Some Recent LG Tweets

LG knows that many of you don't use Twitter.  And those who do use it don't necessarily follow LG (but if you'd like to, his Twitter handle is @LazarusNYC and you can click HERE to follow).  So here's a sampling of some of LG's recent Tweets for our reading pleasure:  

Divers in Italy have found 8 more dead bodies in the wreck along with Mitt Romney's presidential chances.

French police are so cuisine conscious that they only use fresh pepper spray, never from a shaker.

I thought this was a day to honor Jennifer Lopez's best attribute then I realized it's ASH Wednesday, not ASS Wednesday.

Chuck Norris should just punch Iran.

Trivia: Fat Tuesday got its name because it's Kirstie Alley's birthday.

Breaking: Chris Brown asked Rihanna on a date yesterday. Problem: He wants to take her to Battery Park.

Brilliant strategy: Rosie O'Donnell is now officially too big to fail.

In 40 years, I'll bet that Bon Iver looks like Burl Iver.

If Old Navy had to fight a war they'd use those canons that shoot t-shirts at basketball games. It's true.

My friend started a law practice on a tight budget. It's called "The Law Cubicle of Jonathan Reynolds."

I wonder if former Iranian Olympians say "I ran for Iran? "

CNN reports that 30 prisoners escape after riot in northern Mexico. But all 30 were quickly killed by drug lords roaming free.

Italian authorities seek an expert in raising a big object to right the Costa Concordia. They just hired Rosie O'Donnell's personal trainer.


I tried Scientology but it was too hard to understand so I now am a follower of PhysEd-ology. 

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Updating Some Old Scams

LG knows that you've received scam e-mails from Nigeria seeking to separate you from your money.  And, really, who can blame the honorable Mr. Ben Oyolajuanau for trying?  Don't we all have long-lost relatives who died suddenly in Africa, leaving us a fortune in oil money?  And aren't our names and e-mail addresses readily available to honest bank managers in Burkina Faso who are stuck overseeing millions of dollars after scoundrels have embezzled from the bank and fled, leaving us as the manager's only hope to get the money liberated?

Well, actually, no.

And there's the rub.  Our African friends need a bit of help tailoring their scam pitches to American audiences.  So here's LG's attempt at extending an olive branch and helping to bring the world closer together one swindle at a time.  After all, these budding Madoffs deserve their fair shot at the American Dream, even if they're not Americans. 

LG suggests that his African brothers consider adapting these new scams, aimed at specific Stateside audiences, in order to score big.

Targeted Towards Women

Dear Ms. Smith,

I am a shoe store manager here in Sioux City [LG's Note: Most Americans have heard of "Sioux City" but nobody really knows where it is and certainly nobody lives near it.  Just convincing enough to reel in the big fish!]

Our store owner has absconded [LG's Note: Use of ten-cent words will impress and fool average Americans who don't suspect foreign con men are this sophisticated; not you of course, you're an LG Report reader and therefor smart!] with all of our credit card receipts and cash and I've been left to face the creditors alone.  These ruthless people are pounding on the door, even kicking it with their big, smelly size 12 shoes [LG's Note: Another realistic detail; only a real shoe clerk would note someone's shoe size.]

I was given your name by a nice man who says you were once generous to him and are an honorable person. I have hundreds of pairs of Manolo Blahniks here in the store.  Like these:

I've been roasting these shoes over the heater and eating them for sustenance. If you would just send me your credit cards and all the cash that you can get a hold of ASAP, I would be happy to release all of these shoes to you.  I'll even have them sent UPS for next day delivery. Oh, and please throw in your social security number and mother's maiden name for good measure.  And any jewelry that you can spare.  When these Manolo's arrive, you're going to be the envy of your town, girlfriend!  You go girl!

Targeted Towards Working Professionals

Hello there hard-working professional.  I know you enjoy your daily cup(s) of Starbucks.  Well I'm a barrista who recently inherited a whole store full of Starbucks when our owner, childless and unmarried, died from a caffeine overdose.  Nobody knows how this could've happened.  Anyway, I have thousands of dollars in Starbucks gift cards, which would allow you to buy treats like these:

Yes, all of them at once, without even taking out a mortgage!  We'll even teach you the Italian names for these drinks. Hint: Venti means "Idiot Who Drops $4 on Coffee" and "Grande" means "Bigger Idiot."  Apt names for anyone who spends that kind of coin on a cup of Joe, don't you think?  Anyway, please send me all of your financial information, including account numbers and PINS, and I'll get these Starbucks gift cards to you ASAP (and don't think I'm calling you "a sap," either, you're not.)

Thanks for your support of barristas everywhere!

Targeted Towards Men  

Hi, I'm Crystal Amber Tiffany Leigh.  I'm a server at Hooters, an upscale restaurant.  I'm sure you've heard of us.  Well, anyway, I dropped my car keys down my cleavage and now I can't get home.  Are you still reading down here?  Please look down here sir and stop staring at the photo.  I can assure you that those are real ... chicken wings on that plate. So anyway, as I was saying, I need ... ah, shoot, why should I even bother making up a BS story, just send me your wallet as soon as you can and I'll e-mail you more photos, deal?  I thought so.  Don't worry, I won't tell your wife.  Thanks. 

Dear Scammers: If you decide to use any of these, please cut LG in for 10% of all profits.  He'll send you his bank information so that you can deposit the money directly. 


Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Doctored Headlines

LG pulled these headlines off of AOL News tonight (yes, they're real).  The first line is the actual headline (in blue) and the line immediately below is LG's attempt at humor... If you have better suggestions, please leave them in a comment, this is wiki-comdey folks!

  • Army Veteran Mistakenly Declared Dead Four Times

  •  But Still Elected Mayor of Chicago!

  • Former Detroit Representative Allegedly Part Of Major Drug Ring

  •  Declares in Court: "Hey, at least I had a job, unlike a lot of people in Michigan"

  • Romney Skips To Minnesota Amid Talks Of Big Endorsement

  •  Sets Guinness Book Record for longest distance skipped!

  • U.N. Debates Tough Demands On Syria, But Lacks Military Options

  •  Considering Holding Next U.N. Debate in Syria to Put Warring Parties to Sleep

  • Frying Pans Help Save Trapped Costa Concordia Officer

  • Cruise line now considering making frying pans captain of newest ship

    Fying pans can be seen on the deck directing women and children to the lifeboats.  Photo Taken by Captain Schettino