Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Updating Some Old Scams

LG knows that you've received scam e-mails from Nigeria seeking to separate you from your money.  And, really, who can blame the honorable Mr. Ben Oyolajuanau for trying?  Don't we all have long-lost relatives who died suddenly in Africa, leaving us a fortune in oil money?  And aren't our names and e-mail addresses readily available to honest bank managers in Burkina Faso who are stuck overseeing millions of dollars after scoundrels have embezzled from the bank and fled, leaving us as the manager's only hope to get the money liberated?

Well, actually, no.

And there's the rub.  Our African friends need a bit of help tailoring their scam pitches to American audiences.  So here's LG's attempt at extending an olive branch and helping to bring the world closer together one swindle at a time.  After all, these budding Madoffs deserve their fair shot at the American Dream, even if they're not Americans. 

LG suggests that his African brothers consider adapting these new scams, aimed at specific Stateside audiences, in order to score big.

Targeted Towards Women

Dear Ms. Smith,

I am a shoe store manager here in Sioux City [LG's Note: Most Americans have heard of "Sioux City" but nobody really knows where it is and certainly nobody lives near it.  Just convincing enough to reel in the big fish!]

Our store owner has absconded [LG's Note: Use of ten-cent words will impress and fool average Americans who don't suspect foreign con men are this sophisticated; not you of course, you're an LG Report reader and therefor smart!] with all of our credit card receipts and cash and I've been left to face the creditors alone.  These ruthless people are pounding on the door, even kicking it with their big, smelly size 12 shoes [LG's Note: Another realistic detail; only a real shoe clerk would note someone's shoe size.]

I was given your name by a nice man who says you were once generous to him and are an honorable person. I have hundreds of pairs of Manolo Blahniks here in the store.  Like these:

I've been roasting these shoes over the heater and eating them for sustenance. If you would just send me your credit cards and all the cash that you can get a hold of ASAP, I would be happy to release all of these shoes to you.  I'll even have them sent UPS for next day delivery. Oh, and please throw in your social security number and mother's maiden name for good measure.  And any jewelry that you can spare.  When these Manolo's arrive, you're going to be the envy of your town, girlfriend!  You go girl!

Targeted Towards Working Professionals

Hello there hard-working professional.  I know you enjoy your daily cup(s) of Starbucks.  Well I'm a barrista who recently inherited a whole store full of Starbucks when our owner, childless and unmarried, died from a caffeine overdose.  Nobody knows how this could've happened.  Anyway, I have thousands of dollars in Starbucks gift cards, which would allow you to buy treats like these:

Yes, all of them at once, without even taking out a mortgage!  We'll even teach you the Italian names for these drinks. Hint: Venti means "Idiot Who Drops $4 on Coffee" and "Grande" means "Bigger Idiot."  Apt names for anyone who spends that kind of coin on a cup of Joe, don't you think?  Anyway, please send me all of your financial information, including account numbers and PINS, and I'll get these Starbucks gift cards to you ASAP (and don't think I'm calling you "a sap," either, you're not.)

Thanks for your support of barristas everywhere!

Targeted Towards Men  

Hi, I'm Crystal Amber Tiffany Leigh.  I'm a server at Hooters, an upscale restaurant.  I'm sure you've heard of us.  Well, anyway, I dropped my car keys down my cleavage and now I can't get home.  Are you still reading down here?  Please look down here sir and stop staring at the photo.  I can assure you that those are real ... chicken wings on that plate. So anyway, as I was saying, I need ... ah, shoot, why should I even bother making up a BS story, just send me your wallet as soon as you can and I'll e-mail you more photos, deal?  I thought so.  Don't worry, I won't tell your wife.  Thanks. 

Dear Scammers: If you decide to use any of these, please cut LG in for 10% of all profits.  He'll send you his bank information so that you can deposit the money directly. 



  1. Dear LG--I am deeply offended that you think I would be stupid enough to post that information here so I can get a closet full of Manolo Blahniks. Anybody could use that information!! Therefore, I am sending to you in a private email. Please forward it to that lovely gantleman so that I can Thank you.

    1. I forgot to add that I am not interested in the other 2 offers. I don't care that much for Starbuck's coffee, & since I am straight, the young lady with the--I mean "from"--hooters holds no appeal. I DO love chicken wings, though. Perhaps we can work something out.

  2. I do hope someone is offering to pay you for this silliness. :-)

    You're a clever man, LG!


  3. LG...So good to hear from you. I'm shocked that anyone would sink to the lowest depths of the earth to use Manolo Blahniks to abscond with people's money. I mean people would probably give up their cash for Payless too!

    You are so funny!

  4. You are definitely on to sonmething here. However, since I'm retired, I no longer wear shoes, so the shoe scam would be a total fail in this household. Mr. Eva might be tempted by those hooters though, er I mean the chicken wings!

  5. One of my favorite of your posts in quite a while! Very funny!!!

    (You could make a gazillion dollars with these schemes. Promise a woman gorgeous shoes at rock bottom prices and she just might hand over all KINDS of information!!!)

  6. So those are real chicken wings? Are you sure? Did you touch them?

    Brilliant post, my friend!

  7. Laughing at Bossy Betty.

    Really? is 4 bucks too much for a cup of joe? huh....

    I find these to be brilliant, now plese come up with one for "Rick from photo digitalizing" who keeps wanting to something with my "pictures"


The LG Report appreciates all comments, thanks for taking the time; Karma will probably award you a winning lotter ticket or something. The "or something" being more likely. But thanks again!