Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Flat mCat Goes to the Horse Races

That little rascal Flat mCat (see previous post if you missed it) wasn't quite ready to return home to Utah last week.  She insisted on being taken to the horse races at Monmouth Park (known as "The Resort of Racing") on the Jersey Shore before heading west.

Luckily, an LG Report photog was on hand to capture all of the action.

  Here's Flat mCat arriving at the track.  She likes to get there early, she told us, so that she can size up the horses in person and use her patented handicapping system to pick winners.  For a photocopy of a paper plate decorated with Sharpies, Flat mCat is very intelligent.

Flat mCat surveys the action to determine the best viewing spot.  She's partial to standing near the finish line along the rail, but only when it's not wet.  Horses can kick up mud on a wet day, causing a disaster for Flat mCat's hair (which is understandable, considering that it's made of copier paper.)

We managed to keep Flat mCat away from the beer (unlike her outing at Yankee Stadium), mostly because she didn't put up a fight (she said she needed to be stone-cold sober to pick winners.) But boy did her gambling vice spring to life.  As you can see here by the 50 spot, she was wagering rather heavily.  We warned her that she should be more conservative, but Flat mCat waved us off.  At one point, she took a wad of cash from a bag in her pocketbook that was labeled "Retirement Nest Egg."  Uh oh!

Flat mCat had to hit the ATM before long.  In fact, she withdrew so much cash and worked the ATM so hard that she put it out of service.  Bad Flat mCat, bad!  As Flat mCat later said, "The race track is the only place where the windows clean the people!"

But, in the end, as she always does, Flat mCat charmed her way to wherever she wanted to go, including the Winner's Circle.  That's her with the winning jockey after the 8th race.  Before she could get into any more trouble, we loaned Flat mCat the bus fare home to Utah and put her on a Greyhound.  We saw her buy a 40-ounce Budweiser just before she boarded the bus...

It was a pleasure hosting you Flat mCat, come back again soon (but not too soon!)

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Flat mCat Visits Yankee Stadium!

Chances are you read blogs, since you're reading one now (busted you there, didn't we!)

If you read blogs, or even if you just post on Facebook or Twitter, you know that you can pick up random friends through the internet.  People to whom you had little or no previous connection. 

This happens to LG and is why he now knows (although he has not met in person) such cool folks as Eva, Pearl/Peggy, Abe, Kelley, Kate, Rodney, Susan, Katie, Sandra, Tiburon, Jamie, et al. (there are a lot of them.) 

Oh yeah, and mCat.  LG met mCat through Abe (who he also doesn't know in person). 

LG can just imagine what would transpire if any of these people were ever being investigated and he was questioned:

FBI Agent: How do you know mCat?

LG: Through Abe.

FBI: How do you know Abe?

LG: I think I was turned on to him by Pearl.

FBI:  And how do you know Pearl?

LG: I don't.  In fact, that's not even her real name.

FBI:  You're coming with us... 

mCat is a mother and the wife of Splenda Daddy.  He's sorta like a Sugar Daddy, but not quite.  mCat is a BIG New York Yankees fan.  Trouble is, she lives in Utah.  That's a bit of a haul to get to Yankee Stadium.  LG mentioned in an email that he was going to Yankee Stadium this week and mCat, wanting to attend in spirit, sent along her "Flat mCat" likeness for LG to bring along.  This is a spin on Flat Stanley, with whom some of you may be familiar.  You may also remember The LG Report's previous post on Flat Abby, which you can access by clicking HERE.

So without further delay (we know the anticipation is killing you...) here's The LG Report's photo essay on Flat mCat's visit to Yankee Stadium....

 First, Flat mCat checks her ticket to make sure that she has her date correct.  Nothing more embarrassing than showing up with a ticket on the wrong day.  Well, maybe pooing in  your white pants is more embarrassing, but the ticket mix-up is still bad...

                 Flat mCat is excited.  Not only is she going to the game, but she gets to ride shotgun too!

Flat mCat is psyched to be at the Stadium.  And she has yet to threatened with robbery, assault or recycling!

 Flat mCat buys a foam finger to show her Yankee spirit.  But, being New York and all, she assumed it would be a middle finger.  How disappointing! [Note to Yankees' Marketing Dept.: New product?]

 While she tried on a hat, the $25 price tag was a bit rich for Flat mCat, a regular ole piece of paper from Utah without a dead president imprinted on it.

 Flat mCat got into the action right away, enjoying the sights and sounds of Yankee Stadium.  Quite a sensory overload for a modest piece of Hammermill copy paper from a small town. 

Uh oh! Flat mCat's mom warned us to keep her away from the brewski.  Flat mCat eyeballs the selection at one of the Yankee Stadium concession stands. Each beer sells for the price of a case anywhere else. What a bargain!  Hey, someone has to pay for Jeter's Lambo. 

Here's where it all started to go south.  Flat mCat didn't know when to say when.  This was just the first in a series of tall frosties that Flat mCat enjoyed.  She claimed to be 21 and had a Flat Utah's Driver's License to prove it although the photo looked suspiciously like Marilyn Monroe.

Flat mCat claimed it was just an "honest mistake" when she ended up in the men's room after five beers, hanging around the urinals asking guys if she could bum a smoke.  It took two security guards to escort her out of the latrine using a fair bit of force.  They eased up, however, when Flat mCat decided to yawn in technicolor (i.e. drive the porcelain bus, toss her cookies, say hello to Ralph, Earl and Mel, etc.)  She was not looking good.  She had lost her high-gloss finish. 

 Like many over-served tourists, Flat mCat had to make use of the Yankee Stadium on-site medical facilities.  Luckily, the paramedics were familiar with advanced medical techniques for pieces of photocopy paper and they were able to use a defibrillator, some Elmer's Glue and Wite-Out(tm) to revive her.  Flat mCat was up and about and as good as new in no time.

 No Flat mCat, no more beer!  Sorry, we have to ship you back to Utah now.  Say goodbye to New York and all of its vices and get on home to resume your idyllic life.  Hopefully you have enough memories of Yankee Stadium to last you for a long time!


As always, thanks for stopping by The LG Report, we hope to see you back here again soon (but not too soon, we only post once a week or so these days...)