Thursday, August 2, 2012

Flat mCat Visits Yankee Stadium!

Chances are you read blogs, since you're reading one now (busted you there, didn't we!)

If you read blogs, or even if you just post on Facebook or Twitter, you know that you can pick up random friends through the internet.  People to whom you had little or no previous connection. 

This happens to LG and is why he now knows (although he has not met in person) such cool folks as Eva, Pearl/Peggy, Abe, Kelley, Kate, Rodney, Susan, Katie, Sandra, Tiburon, Jamie, et al. (there are a lot of them.) 

Oh yeah, and mCat.  LG met mCat through Abe (who he also doesn't know in person). 

LG can just imagine what would transpire if any of these people were ever being investigated and he was questioned:

FBI Agent: How do you know mCat?

LG: Through Abe.

FBI: How do you know Abe?

LG: I think I was turned on to him by Pearl.

FBI:  And how do you know Pearl?

LG: I don't.  In fact, that's not even her real name.

FBI:  You're coming with us... 

mCat is a mother and the wife of Splenda Daddy.  He's sorta like a Sugar Daddy, but not quite.  mCat is a BIG New York Yankees fan.  Trouble is, she lives in Utah.  That's a bit of a haul to get to Yankee Stadium.  LG mentioned in an email that he was going to Yankee Stadium this week and mCat, wanting to attend in spirit, sent along her "Flat mCat" likeness for LG to bring along.  This is a spin on Flat Stanley, with whom some of you may be familiar.  You may also remember The LG Report's previous post on Flat Abby, which you can access by clicking HERE.

So without further delay (we know the anticipation is killing you...) here's The LG Report's photo essay on Flat mCat's visit to Yankee Stadium....

 First, Flat mCat checks her ticket to make sure that she has her date correct.  Nothing more embarrassing than showing up with a ticket on the wrong day.  Well, maybe pooing in  your white pants is more embarrassing, but the ticket mix-up is still bad...

                 Flat mCat is excited.  Not only is she going to the game, but she gets to ride shotgun too!

Flat mCat is psyched to be at the Stadium.  And she has yet to threatened with robbery, assault or recycling!

 Flat mCat buys a foam finger to show her Yankee spirit.  But, being New York and all, she assumed it would be a middle finger.  How disappointing! [Note to Yankees' Marketing Dept.: New product?]

 While she tried on a hat, the $25 price tag was a bit rich for Flat mCat, a regular ole piece of paper from Utah without a dead president imprinted on it.

 Flat mCat got into the action right away, enjoying the sights and sounds of Yankee Stadium.  Quite a sensory overload for a modest piece of Hammermill copy paper from a small town. 

Uh oh! Flat mCat's mom warned us to keep her away from the brewski.  Flat mCat eyeballs the selection at one of the Yankee Stadium concession stands. Each beer sells for the price of a case anywhere else. What a bargain!  Hey, someone has to pay for Jeter's Lambo. 

Here's where it all started to go south.  Flat mCat didn't know when to say when.  This was just the first in a series of tall frosties that Flat mCat enjoyed.  She claimed to be 21 and had a Flat Utah's Driver's License to prove it although the photo looked suspiciously like Marilyn Monroe.

Flat mCat claimed it was just an "honest mistake" when she ended up in the men's room after five beers, hanging around the urinals asking guys if she could bum a smoke.  It took two security guards to escort her out of the latrine using a fair bit of force.  They eased up, however, when Flat mCat decided to yawn in technicolor (i.e. drive the porcelain bus, toss her cookies, say hello to Ralph, Earl and Mel, etc.)  She was not looking good.  She had lost her high-gloss finish. 

 Like many over-served tourists, Flat mCat had to make use of the Yankee Stadium on-site medical facilities.  Luckily, the paramedics were familiar with advanced medical techniques for pieces of photocopy paper and they were able to use a defibrillator, some Elmer's Glue and Wite-Out(tm) to revive her.  Flat mCat was up and about and as good as new in no time.

 No Flat mCat, no more beer!  Sorry, we have to ship you back to Utah now.  Say goodbye to New York and all of its vices and get on home to resume your idyllic life.  Hopefully you have enough memories of Yankee Stadium to last you for a long time!


As always, thanks for stopping by The LG Report, we hope to see you back here again soon (but not too soon, we only post once a week or so these days...)


  1. This is seriously some of the funniest stuff you have ever posted.

    I warned you about the beer my friend! Now I have all kinds of explaining to do!

    Thanks for the giggles - you are seriously the BEST!

  2. WOW!!! LG, you are upping the stakes.... now I might have to take Flat mCat to Fenway Park!!!

  3. I haven't been around for a while but, as usual, I was not disappointed by your post. You have such great ideas (your mind is a little scary sometimes, though).

    I jusr wanted you to know:
    After two years of blogging I am about to call it quits. Most of the stuff I have posted this year was written before my dad died. I can't seem to come up with new stories. If I do I will start up again.

    Now that I am no longer need to care for him I have had to find a way to cycle myself back into the life outside of these walls. I have gradually dipped my toes into that world and find that I am too busy to write. But, more importantly, I find that I am too busy to continue a relationship with all of you bloggers out there. I hate not commenting regularly!

    Although it was you guys that literally got me through these last two years it seems so rude of me to not get around to reading and encouraging you, like you did me. I hope to remedy that soon. When school starts I plan to get pack to substituting, and with that, back to a regular schedule of some sort. That schedule will include a time to re-enter the blogging sphere to keep up with my many mentor's antics.

    I am sending this to each of you as I want to thank you for your friendship and kindness.

  4. Oh my hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    She's a total hussy.

  5. Who would have thought?? Makes me wonder what a flat Karen would do on an outing with Laz. Clearly he is an iffy influence. I'll have to give that one some careful thought.... But clearly MCat is more fun than we originally figured.


The LG Report appreciates all comments, thanks for taking the time; Karma will probably award you a winning lotter ticket or something. The "or something" being more likely. But thanks again!