Saturday, December 31, 2011

2011: Year-End Antique Photos...

Here are some more antique photos that LG harvested for your viewing pleasure from various second-hand stores, antique galleries, the Sotheby's Celebrity Auction, Saddam Hussein's ransacked mansions and the Royal Family of England's Garage Sale.

Snarky captions provided by LG Productions, Inc.  They're fully copyrighted worldwide so please don't try to impress your friends on New Year's Eve by stealing these without our permission.

OK, you have our permission. You drive a hard bargain.

"I hope our baby will grow up to be normal despite looking like a stunted mushroom flanked by two kids.  People in 70 years won't realize that 12-year olds were parents in our day. Stop laughing, this chair would've been worth $15,600 in 2011 if Uncle Stanley hadn't flattened it in 1948.  Too bad Pilates hadn't been invented yet."

"What a great photo of our Woolworth's-bought artificial flowers!  Oh, wait, there are people back there too."  

Notice her slip?  That was considered revealing back in the day, but, it was understandable since she was a 1960's porn star on Super 8 film.  Why is that raccoon sleeping on her head and why is he wearing a shoelace around his neck?  These people later divorced.  She got custody of the flowers, he got the drapes.

"If anyone laughs at this ridiculous tie that I'm wearing in 65 years when they see it on the internet, I'll haunt them because I'll be dead by then.  I'm posing with my meanest 'I'll be dead by the time you see this on a blog' look right now.  Is my zipper undone?  This isn't really a tie, it's two large green beans hanging down off my neck.  You'll call them something fancy like 'edemame' someday.  Stop looking at my large hands and high waist. I'm haunting your basement right now, don't come down here.  Boo!"

"Oh what jokers we are here in 1923, faking like Hurricane Katrina came through this part of Mississippi and upended us all!  You can tell it's fake, however, because we're smiling and not looting flat-screen TVs.  Plus, we're about 85 years too early for the real Hurricane Katrina, but this is hysterical by our early 1900's standards.  Where was 'Saturday Night Live' when you needed it?  And how does our hair and wooden teeth look? We hope our corsets aren't showing.  This photo should attract some fun-loving men in 75 years when internet dating becomes all the rage." 

That's it for this year folks, thanks for your support throughout 2011 and for stopping by today.  The LG Report wishes you all the best in 2012, may it be your happiest year yet!


Sunday, December 18, 2011

A Restaurant Recommendation

Yes, we still have a cache of antique photos to plow through, but LG is taking another detour tonight before pressing on with those.  He has a restaurant recommendation for you.  Still trying to figure out what "cache" means? Nah, you read The LG Report, you're smart-ish! 

LG recently discovered an excellent tapas  place (click on the word "tapas" in case you're not familiar with that particular cuisine) and he'd like to share it with readers of The LG Report

This establishment has a wide variety of excellent small plates.  You can sample everything from appetizers to desserts.  The atmosphere is always lively, the servers are friendly and, best of all, the small plates are always FREE!!!!  It's called Costco  and there's probably one near you.  Here's a photo of one of their most excellent serving stations:

Full disclosure: Mrs. LG accused LG of elbowing an older gentleman into a display of cereal boxes in order to get the last strip of sizzling, crispy, mouth-watering, center-cut bacon on offer from the tapas server.  LG is sure that he heard the unfortunate octogenarian say that he was feeling dizzy because his Canadian-bought internet medication was failing just before the dust-farter took a header into Cap'n Crunch's groin.  Check the store security camera, LG doesn't lie (especially when he knows he's just outta site of the security camera...) 

OK, that's it for tonight folks, an excellent restaurant tip that both your stomach and pocketbook will appreciate!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

A New Photo and Some Facebook Wisecracks...

LG is going to take a break from the antique photo theme that he's been milking like an old Guernsey in Iowa (Midwestern friends: Did that even make sense?) and hit you with a much more recent photo.  Although be forewarned: LG has plenty more antique photos to post in the near future so don't think you're off ye olde hook yet.  

As you may have noticed, LG is adopting a shorter post format: Get you in, get your laughs and get back on the road.  Nobody makes any money if you're loitering around here.

Mrs. LG recently told LG that she doesn't think he quite has the feel for married life yet.  Apparently, one is supposed to shed the ways of bachelorhood, i.e. no more being selfish, self-centered, greedy, arrogant, etc.  Now it's supposed to be about FAMILY and not just the individual.  So LG, trying to embrace this altruistic one-for-all-and-all-for-one philosophy, volunteered to purchase and hang the family Christmas stockings this year.  Mrs. LG was not too happy with LG's (also known as Lazarus or Laz) efforts for some reason:

Oh well, LG will keep working on it...

We leave you with some recent posts from LG's Facebook account.  This is all original material written by LG, but he hereby gives you permission to use any of it on your own Facebook page or on your Twitter feed (not that you'd want to, but LG is offering in an effort to appear less selfish). 

Here's a great low-cost gift idea that just came to me. Ask a male friend if he'd like to experience a holiday ballet for free. If he says yes, kick him square in the groin and yell "Terrific, please enjoy The Nutcracker!" Then stand back and watch him double over in pleasure. A great way to spread the joy of the season!
Good news: The FBI just announced that the rate was down 4% in the United States last quarter for violent crimes such as murder, rape and horsing around.
Jerry Sandusky needs better legal advice. He tried posting bail today with $250,000 worth of Hershey's Bars.
I wanted to see "The Descendants" tonight but my wife didn't. Finally, she gave in and agreed to go. To reward her, I'm buying her a gift certificate for 5 speedboat rides. [Note: This will only make sense if you saw the movie.]
Michelle Bachmann pledged tonight that if the majority of Herman Cain's supporters agree to vote for her, she'll close the U.S. embassy in East Germany.
My personal opinion: Where Herman Cain really went wrong was when he leaked to the press that his vice presidential running mate would be Hugh Hefner.
Herman Cain suspended his presidential campaign today. He figured out that if all the women who alleged that he sexually harassed him refused to vote for him, it would be mathamatically impossible for him to win.
Our town is getting ridiculous with cost cutting and budget reductions. For the annual holiday party, the only person who they could afford to play Santa was Jerry Sandusky. Too soon?

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

The Old Photo Train Rolls On...

Mrs. LG dragged ole LG to another antique store this past weekend, although, truth be known, he's going more willingly these days due to the various treasures he's finding.  LG stumbled upon another cache of old photos, so he made a few more purchases for the viewing pleasure of readers of The LG Report.  You're welcome.  Don't mention it.  

But, before we get to some of those pictures, we have two quick orders of business. 

FIRST, LG must report on another "I Love Lucy" moment with Mrs. LG this weekend.  As some of you know, LG equates living with Mrs. LG, at times, to being married to Lucille Ball (or at least her character in the TV show.)  It's all very enjoyable, of course.  Please keep in mind, this is 100% true.


The Scene: Saturday night, in the car, pulling away from our friends' house, where we had just enjoyed a delicious meal and very fun evening with Kristy and Rich. 

The Dialogue:

LG: Check to make sure you have your phone, you're always leaving it somewhere.

Mrs. LG: It's right here in my pocketbook, I have it, no need to worry.  [10 second pause]  Oh, wait, what's this, I have another iPhone too.  How did I get two phones?  I must've taken Rich's phone by accident. Yes, this is Rich's phone.  I was looking at it after dinner.  We have to go back. 

[Note: LG is accustomed to having to return to places shortly after we've left]


When we got back, Rich was waiting in his garage for the safe return of his kidnapped iPhone (which, LG believes, was issued by his employer and, even if not, is certainly critical to Rich's work.)

Mrs. LG, in order to be a wise-ass (she comes by that on her own, don't look at LG...seriously), said to Rich "Can I just hold onto it for a few days, I'd like to try it out to see if I like this new 4S phone." 

Rich, as you'd expect, was a incredulous and quickly explained that he needed the phone for work and couldn't loan it to Mrs. LG, even just for a few days.

All true.  

SECOND, LG is not in the business of shilling (not for others that is; certainly he shills for himself and The LG Report), but he has a piece of information that he feels he must pass on.

LG's friend Deb left her high-powered job in the financial services field a few years ago to start a business selling "Victory Cakes." These are heavenly creations (the words "cakes," "muffins" and "cupcakes" don't do them justice) based on recipes created by Deb's great grandfather, a master baker who came to the United States from Northern Ireland long ago.  Here's what one looks like close up:

These babies come in many flavors and all are truly scrumptious.  They're moist and flavorful and create an absolute explosion of delight in your mouth.  Honestly.  Victory Cakes make great end-of-year holiday gifts for clients or hard-to-buy-for friends and relatives.  They're also terrific as a desert at holiday parties and family meals. 

Anyway, if you're interested, you can check them out for yourself on the MacDougall's Victory Cakes website by clicking HERE!

Deb wanted to extend a special offer to readers of The LG Report.  Mention The LG Report and you'll get (LG is quoting Deb here so as to not screw it up): "...a free Dassie Traditional Mini MacDougall Victory Cake (Wilbur Chocolate and Butterscotch) with the order of a Petite MacDougall or 1/2 dozen Mini MacDougalls -- plus a free Irish Shamrock Holiday ornament!"

If you're looking for something unique and yummy this holiday season, you can't do better than Irish Victory Cakes.   

THIRD, we're finally at the photo segment.  We've done about three posts in a row with old photos and we still have enough for at least two more posts.  Yes, we like to milk an idea for all it's worth. Here we go:

The original Cabbage Patch Kids are seeing here in a Photoshopped (but pre-Photoshop) picture from the days of old.  Back in 1946, this was an example of cutting-edge graphics.  It would be years before scientists were able to superimpose children's heads onto cucumbers, carrots and stalks of corn.
Here we see the original donor for the Nerd Gene, which was recently mapped along with the rest of man's DNA. This fellow, as you can see, was one of the more smartly dressed crossing guards in all of Nerdlandia.  He was also well prepared for any sudden cresting of rivers with those high pants.


The caption for this photo practically wrote itself: "Oh my oh my, I do hope that one day, 70 years hence, my photo will be ridiculed on something called a 'blog' which can be read and enjoyed by people all over the world after Al Gore invents the internet.  And I wonder if science will ever solve the mystery of how my hair became the darkest thing every photographed on Earth up to this point."  

There you have it folks, another posting in the books.  More old photos coming soon, stop back when you get a chance!