Thursday, March 31, 2011

The LG Report's Cutest Pet Contest Is Here!

It's finally here, The Second Annual LG Report Cutest Pet Contest!

Please, contain your exuberance.  And please don't pee on the rug. Or scratch the furniture. 
We asked each person submitting a pet to include one line about why their entrant should win.  Unfortunately, not everyone adhered to the one-line limit.  So LG is now changing that requirement and will supply his own narrative for each entrant, although snippets of what the owner provided may be included.  Hard to say since we haven't written it yet.   

You really can't hold us to any particular standard here, sorry. 
The rules for voting are simple: 

  1. All votes must be conveyed in a comment to this post.  Hence, there will be complete transparency, everyone will be able to count the votes (if they have nothing else to do with their miserable lives);
  2. Each person may only vote once (if you have different screen names, theoretically you could cheat and vote under each one, but we'll trust you here.  It's only for a stinkin' bag of pet treats people!);
  3. Votes submitted without any name for the voter will not be counted.  You must use a name somewhere (thus, the comment could be submitted as "Anonymous" for the profile, but you then must include a name in the comment for it to count.  E.g. "I vote for Fido.  Signed, Stinky Butt);
  4. Votes submitted by people with the good sense to be followers of The LG Report will count twice.  Yes, it's a cheap ploy to attract followers, but at least we admit it. If you are a follower, please type "Follower" at the end of your vote (LG doesn't have all the followers names memorized) if you want it to count for two.  If you don't type "follower," your vote will only count for one.    
  5. Voting ends at 5 pm Eastern Time (U.S.) on Friday, April 8, 2011.   The winner will be announced soon thereafter.
Without further delay, here ladies and gentlemen are the 2011 competitors for the title of The LG Report's Cutest Pet 2011:

This is LANDO, the ball-catching dog.  Lando is in the center.  Please don't vote for the gentleman on the left, we're sure he'll feel insulted.  Plus, we doubt he can catch a ball as well as Lando.

Here we have BLACKJACK, a 6-year old male.  His owner says that Blackjack is "one of a kind, inside and out."  He's smart, loyal and wild.  That orange harness is part of his skydiving equipment.  He's also wearing a Pandora bracelet around his neck.  Don't ask us what the woman in the background is doing.  

TUCKER is seen here doing his bird impersonation.  He's two years old and has flown south for the winter each of the last two years.  The dog tags around his neck weigh approximately the same as Tucker.  Tucker loves The Rolling Stones, crossword puzzles and most poetry, but he does not like poems that use words that rhyme with his name.  If he wins, we won't know whether to send him dog treats or bird feed.  

SCOOTER lives in Pennsylvania (hence the Eagles bandanna) and is six years old (although he was only 4 1/2 when this picture was taken.)  His owner says that Scooter "can shake, do a high five, and of course, stick out his red rocket when he gets excited to see me."  "Red rocket" was the most risque phrase that we could get past the censors.  Tucker reminds us of Charlie Sheen, although Charlie is not that great at high fiving.  He's got the red rocket thing down however.

JAKE lives at the Jersey Shore, where he enjoys surfing, sleeping and not watching the TV show "Jersey Shore."  He's a deep thinker who measures his words carefully.  Jake doesn't like being called "Jacob" (not his name) and he loves his daily walk.  He's a Republican.

SOPHIE is seen here attacking an innocent dog toy.  She's only a bad dog when she's awake, otherwise she's very well behaved.  She chews on just about anything that moves or doesn't, and is great at tracking mud through the house and jumping on people with mud on her paws.  She has some good qualities, we just can't think of them right now.  If Charlie Sheen were a dog, he'd hang out with Sophie.  Coincidentally, Sophie's catchphrase is "Chewing, duh!"

TOBY, says his owner, "is a smart, funny, hyper, trouble seeking, little stinker who loves to string toilet paper all over the house."  This photo was taken when Toby was only three months old.  He loves playing chess and tinkering with the engines of old cars. 

KIT is a tortoise shell cat who lives in the same house as Toby (above).  Unfortunately, she does not like, or get along with, Toby.  Kit's owner clearly favors Toby, since she submitted a Playboy centerfold-quality photo of Toby and a dot-matrix, Zapruder Film-style shot of Kit.  Poor Kit, no wonder she hates Toby.  But at least she has her name embedded in her photo (small consolation, we know...)

This is COFFEETREE'S CRIMSON CRUELLA, who, according to her owner, is a "killer Doberman ... [and] frisbee toy chaser extraordinaire."  It appears that she's wearing a sock on her ear. Don't ask us why.  Maybe the owner will clarify in a comment.  Cruella's house must have a lot of flies, we note the fly swatter hanging within easy reach.  Although it's high-end, personalized fly swatter with the initial "M" prominently showing.  Or is that a "W?"   

Papoo loves to chase cats, balls and, he says, he's "...the reason my mommy doesn't need a third child!"  Papoo's owner needs to seed that lawn a bit, kind of embarrassing, no?  Papoo is a big Phillies, Eagles, SixersFlyers fan who lives in suburban Philadelphia.  He's hoping for an invitation to the Royal Wedding in England.  Papoo was the name of a character in "Seinfeld," we're not sure if there's a connection.  Seriously though, get that lawn seeded.    

OREO, 1 1/2 years old, "...loves strawberry tops, apples, lettuce, and of course carrots. Oreo likes to dig and he also likes to play ball," according to his owners (Athena and Alexis.)  You'd think he'd also like Oreo cookies, no?  In this photo, Oreo stares longingly at some colored plastic balls just on the other side of the chicken wire fence.  Poor guy, someone help him out.

According to his owner, DEACON D. DAWG's "special purpose in life (referencing the Steve Martin picture: The Jerk) is to retrieve the paper, every Saturday and Sunday morning."  Here he's seen with an edition of the local paper announcing a guilty verdict. Deacon doesn't read the newspaper himself, although he has been known to make use of it for other purposes at times.  He's a big fan of the University of Tennessee's sports teams and loves country music. 

ROMEO, only four months old, is, according to his owner "...a rescue pup, with a heart of gold, and he is at his happiest with a lap to lie on and a continuous tummy rub."  Romeo has the distinction of being the entrant who lives the farthest away from The LG Report's corporate headquarters...he hails from South Africa.  Hence, since he's in the Southern Hemisphere, Romeo's pose appears sideways.  In South Africa, this would look rightside up (If you believe that, LG has a bridge to sell you...)

So there we have it folks, the entrants in the 2011 LG Report's Cutest Pet Contest.  Please get your votes in soon!

Monday, March 28, 2011

LG's Beefs With Facebook


The only time Chuck Norris made a mistake was when he thought he could be wrong.

You're probably on Facebook. Over 500 million people are. There's some bad news in there, however, for the corporate honchos at Facebook, Inc.  The LG Report only has 127 followers as of today, which means that we have a significantly greater opportunity for growth than Facebook does. Yeah, that's our status Facebook, Inc., deal with it.

As you may recall, The LG Report was the only major news organization to explain Why McDonald's Will Never Be Successful.
Now we're here to explain our problems with Facebook, which may very well be your problems too.  

But before explaining the shortcomings of Facebook, LG would like to recount some of his more notable recent Facebook postings.  None of these really received their full due, in LG's opinion, so he's being environmentally friendly by recycling to give them a second chance at receiving recognition:

"When people ask me to copy-and-post their status as mine, for whatever reason or cause, I always feel like they're trying to take away my freedom of speech, so I don't do it.  If you agree, please copy and post this as your status."

"AT&T and T-Mobile recently announced that they're merging.  Negotiations had dragged on for weeks and would've been consummated sooner, but their calls kept getting dropped."

"I have a friend who is such a hypocrite that he was forced to join Two-Facedbook."

"Sometimes I post on Facebook when I really have nothing important to say.  Like now."

"Watch out for this restaurant scam: A waiter recently tried to charge me for my range chicken dinner.  I said to him 'Whoa, buddy, the menu said that the range chicken was free.' He took it off the bill. Scam averted by an alert consumer!"

"The U.S. says that it's too expensive to keep firing Tomahawk Missiles into Libya, so our government is just going to send Chuck Norris in with a real Native American tomahawk.  It will be much more effective -- and cheaper."

"I just called Continental Airlines to change a reservation.  Little-known fact: The wait time to speak to a representative is always exactly equal to the in-flight time of the reservation you wish to change." 

"I'm trying to save a bit of money, so I'm purchasing knock-off video games.  I just bought Sitar Hero."

"Here's the mentality of a future Darwin Award Winner: 'A Tsunami warning was just issued.  Let's go down to the beach to get a good look!' " 

  So here are just some of Facebook's problems:

  • "Facebook Friend" - What does it really mean?  Is it an insult, meaning that the person is not your friend in "real life," but only to be kept at arm's length on Facebook?  Or is it a compliment, because you're publicly befriending someone for all the world to see?  Which is it? Can't be both.  In LG's opinion, when you say that someone is your "Facebook Friend," it translates into "I'm friends with this person on Facebook, but I don't associate with them in my non-computer real life."  It's a way of keeping some type of connection with a person, but still maintaining a distance.  If you really like someone, you don't call them your "Facebook Friend."  That's just the way it is.  
  • The "Like" Button - Sure, there's a button that you can hit to "Like" a status, but where are the buttons that say things such as "Boring," "Stupid as Sh*t," "Sucks Ass," "I Hate You," and "Insane Ramblings?" Without those more expressive choices, the "Like" button is doomed to be thrown on the pile of archaic inventions like the Victrola, 8-Track Player and rotary-dial cell phone.  "Like" as the sole choice to rate a status will go away at some point, no doubt.  Please "like" this comment if you agree.  Unfortunately for you, we've disable the "I Hate You" button on the right.    

    This guy keeps asking, rather sheepishly, to be LG's friend.
    • Weirdos, Stalkers and Complete Strangers - All three groups will, at times, try to befriend you.  LG only accepts about 75% of such requests. 
    • Mundane Updates - Everyone is guilty of these time-wasters, which inform us of such compelling developments as: "Let the cat out," "Dusted my dresser," and "Let the cat back in."  Let's see police departments requiring all 9-1-1 calls to be made via Facebook postings, that would spice things up a bit.  


    • Doctored Photos -  If you want to see the best possible photo every taken of a person, check out their Facebook profile.  Of course, LG is guilty of this too, but that doesn't stop him from complaining about it, so just back off...
    Rosie O'Donnell smiles broadly in her Facebook profile photo.

      LG could go on and on about the problems with Facebook, but he has to wrap this up now because he has a lunch scheduled with some of his Facebook friends.  Via videoconference, of course...

      Don't forget folks, the deadline is today at 5 pm Eastern to submit your photos and one-sentence explanation of your entries in The LG Report's Cutest Pet Contest.  A bag of pet-appropriate treats and/or gifts for the winner.  Contestants photos and voting rules to be published soon.

      Thursday, March 24, 2011

      The LGR 50-State Interview Series Visits With Susan in Tennessee!

      This installment of the critically-acclaimed LG Report 50-State Interview Series takes us to the Volunteer State for a conversation with Susan (in the Boonies), author of the critically-acclaimed (overuse, we know) blog Wild Life in the Woods.

      The LG Report: Most of us would not have imagined that one could live a wild life in the woods. What are the nightclubs and restaurants like in the woods where you lead this wild life? And do you ever see Charlie Sheen at any of them?

      Susan: You’d be amazed at the wild life in this place. The most popular local watering hole is just outside our door. I snapped a picture of a patron, so your readers could get the flavor of the place. Please note the look of satisfaction on the face of the diner, Jane Doe, as well as her very full cheeks:

      We had a very nice restaurant about 15 minutes down the hill that we used to go to for our big nights out. It closed last month (probably due to not having been patronized by Charlie Sheen: no winning for them! ), to our very great sadness. There is not a lot of call for 4 star restaurants in the Boonies. For now, my Townie friends have to content themselves by eating in my kitchen. They seem pretty happy to do that, for the most part. (Have you seen my recipes on my blog? The index is located at the bottom of the right hand column of my blog, and is entitled: “Things We Eat in the Boonies” (CLICK HERE FOR SUSAN'S BLOG ) They’re worth a quick scan.

      The LG Report: Your nickname for yourself is “Susan in the Boonies.” We’re interested in knowing exactly how Boonie-fied you really are. Please tell us how long it would take you to drive (or hitchhike or ride your horse, whichever is appropriate) from your house to:

      1. The nearest hospital: _________

      2. The nearest Walmart: __________

      3. The nearest Denny’s/Shoney’s/Waffle House _________

      4. The nearest Giorgio Armani Store (real, not knock-off): ________

      5. The nearest opera house (note: not “Opry” house): __________


      1. The nearest hospital is 35 minutes away. (Used for a sprained ankle.)

      2. The nearest Walmart is 25 minutes away. (Used for obtaining White Cloud toilet paper. White Cloud is septic-tank-friendly, and that is a necessity for the Boonies.)

      3. The nearest Waffle House (which is the only one of those three establishments I would even consider frequenting) where you get your “scattered, smothered and covered” (hash browns) is 30 minutes away, but the last time I was there, the open sore on the lip of the waitress put me off my feed.

      4. The nearest Armani store appears to be in Hotlanta, about 5 1/2 hours away, but we do have an Army and Navy store, about 35 minutes away, which would probably suit our needs better for the most part, anyway.

      5. The nearest opera house is 35 minutes away, and is the world class Schermerhorn Symphony Center. It’s awesome, and a fitting venue for a city hailed as Music City.

      The LG Report: Did you know that Tennessee is tied with Missouri for having the most other states border it (eight.) Is this something that you take pride in? And how can you use that to your advantage in some way?

      Susan: Certainly, being able to head for so many borders makes it very convenient, as long as you familiarize yourself with the various penal codes of each of those states, and head for the one that offers the most latitude in your area of crime. In general, we like Mississippi.

      The LG Report: Living in the Boonies, we’re sure you’re used to all of the derogatory comments, such as “How many teeth do you have?” or “How long does it take you to walk to the outhouse?” We’re above cheap insults like that at The LG Report, especially because we don’t want to offend people like your husband, uncle, nephew, grandfather and brother-in-law. They are all the same man, right?

      Susan: Makes Christmas shopping a breeze. It’s all done with one gift.

      The LG Report: What’s the single best thing for a tourist to do on their first visit to the great state of Tennessee? And please don’t say “Go home.”

      Susan: Honestly, I love Nashville. Small town feel with all the perks of a big city. Great music. Great people. I don’t have a bad thing to say about it

      The LG Report: Which city do you like better and why: Memphis or Nashville?

      Susan: Memphis, Shmemphis: what the heck is Memphis? As you may have sensed, there is a bit of rivalry between the two. I visited there last week, in fact, and my daughter and son both actually have fallen in love with the place. It really is a great place for tourists! But I adore living near Nashville.

      LG is not interested in this movie.
      The LG Report: Your profile is very vague, you merely list your location as “The Boonies, Tennessee” and no e-mail address is provided to contact you. Are you by any chance an inmate at a Women’s Correctional Facility? It won’t turn us on if you are, so feel free to tell the truth. But if you are, please include photos. And please describe graphically any catfights you may have had recently.

      Susan: I am not an inmate with the Tennessee Department of Corrections for the simple fact that I am a law-abiding citizen. I am a law abiding citizen because of my deep-seated fear (impending pun alert) of orange jumpsuits, and the fact that the size of my rear end in an orange jumpsuit might cause me to receive solicitations for ads emblazoning See Rock City all over the back of my ...jumpsuit. Not that it would be a bad thing to have “World’s 8th Wonder” written back there. I may need to re-think my aforementioned law-abiding policy.

      The LG Report: Your blog contains some recipes and you refer to the Bible quite a bit. LG doesn’t do either of these things, and he has significantly fewer followers than you. Are you aware of any good recipes in the Bible that we can post here on The LG Report?

      Susan: John the Baptist was partial to locusts and wild honey, although personally, I haven’t tried it. Might be a good weight loss plan: lots of protein. Why don’t you try that, and get back with me?

      The LG Report: If a reader new to Wild Life in the Woods wanted to click somewhere to get to one of your best posts, which would you choose and why? Be brief in your description however, since LG has a short attention span (also, people might be afraid that clicking on a link leading them into the woods might give them Lyme Disease and/or Cooties.)

      Susan: I like this one THIS ONE where I went dress shopping with my daughter for my dress for the Emmys. I have other favorites, but your attention span is brief.

      Tennessee's three largest employers.
       The LG Report: If you were evicted from Tennessee for not paying sales tax on the moonshine that we know you make in your basement (don’t deny it, everyone in your state does it), which state would you choose to live in and why?

      Susan: The threat of eviction from Tennessee does not frighten me. I could easily evade it. I hail from West Virginia originally, where people know how to lie through their tooth.

      The LG Report: You call your husband “The Big Bison” on your blog. Please explain why he is so bison-like. Rest assured that no cannibals read The LG Report so they won’t be coming after him to cook up a nice bison burger. Although if you’ve posted bison burger recipes on your blog, please link us.

      Susan: To answer that question, I’ll give you THIS LINK.  I do make Bambi burgers, and I think I’ll post a recipe for those tomorrow. You’ve inspired me!

      The LG Report: How many direct descendants of Davy Crockett do you know?

      Susan: I bought my son a coonskin cap at Cracker Barrel when he was just a wee tot. That’s about as close to Davy Crockett as I’ve ever gotten.

      The LG Report: Al Gore. Please explain.

      Susan: Some things are inexplicable. Some might even say inexcusable. But, in all honesty, you and I are communicating today via his internet, so, I will humbly just say, “Thanks, Al”.

      The LG Report: If Oprah Winfrey (host of the sister TV show to The LG Report) said to you “Susan in the Boonies, you can be on my show only but only if you’ll entertain our viewers with some unique talent of yours,” which of your talents would you call upon?

      Susan: I’d do a cooking segment. We’d laugh our heads off, eat the incredible food I’d prepared, and we’d bond. She’d invite me over to hang with her and her best friend Gail the following weekend. I excel at being a girlfriend.

      The LG Report: If you could change one thing about Tennessee, anything, a law, a geographic feature, demographic feature, etc. what would it be?

      How'd this poster get in here again?
      Susan: I’d kick most of the guitar players out of Nashville so my hubby could get more work. (Which would turn Nashville into a ghost town.)

      The LG Report: Ok, for our last question Susan, here’s one that we like but don’t use that often: What question should we have asked you that we didn’t and what’s your answer to that question?

      Susan: “Where would you like your exorbitant payment for this interview sent?” Answer: Directly to my mailbox.

      Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s in the mail.

      Thanks again for stopping by Susan, you did an excellent job, especially for someone who is usually ensconced in the woods and pointing a shotgun at unannounced visitors!

      If you want to pick up some delicious recipes - and enjoy excellent writing - stop by to say hello to Susan at Wild Life in the Woods .  We're sure she'd love to have you. 

      And don't forget, the deadline to submit a photo of your (or a friend/family member's) pet is this Monday, March 28th at 5 pm Eastern.   Send your photo to along with one sentence describing your contestant and/or explaining why he/she deserves to win.  We already have a number of entries, but there's always room for more.  The winner will get a nice gift of pet-appropriate treats and/or toys.

      See you back here again soon kids!

      Monday, March 21, 2011

      The LG Report's Cutest Pet Contest Kicks Off!

      AT&T just announced that it's buying T-Mobile USA. The deal took weeks to negotiate.  It would've been consummated sooner, but the calls kept getting dropped.
      This is not an actual contestant, but rather a paid celebrity spokesmodel.

      The LG Report is happy to announce its Second Annual Cutest Pet Contest!* 

      [*Last year it was technically a "Cutest Dog Contest," but this time around we're being more politically correct.]

      The winning pet will receive a pet-appropriate gift and/or treats.  Employees of The LG Report and their pets are not eligible. No purchase necessary.  Void where prohibited by law (Note: It's not prohibited anywhere, we just want to sound official.)  

      Here are the rules

      1.  Please submit a photo of your pet entrant, along with its name and age, to by 5pm on Monday, March 28th.  You may also include one sentence describing said pet, any peculiarities/talents it may have and/or why it deserves to win.

      2. You may enter as many pets as you'd like as long you submit a separate photo for each. 

      3.  Dogs who were entered in last year's LG Report's Cutest Dog Contest are eligible for this year's competition (except for last year's winner, Skipper, who retires a champ), but a new photo must be submitted.

      4.  Voting instructions will be provided in the post which reveals the photos of all the entrants (sometime after March 28th.)  

      5. Clarification:  Jessee, over at Jessee's Spot,   wrote to LG to say that she doesn't personally own a pet, but that she would like to enter a friend's pet in the contest. We'll allow people to enter pets of family members and friends as long as it's a real pet who they actually "know" and not just a photo plucked off the internet or some animal whose picture was randomly snapped in public.  Please, don't be a pet fraud.      

      Here's what some of last year's contestants had to say about the experience:

      "I thought I'd be competing against a bunch of bitches, but everyone was really nice."

      "The LG Report's contest was awesome.  I was totally stressed at work -- every day seemed like 'Hump Day' -- and the thrill of competing pulled me through."

      "It was so fun to meet all of the contestants and to sniff some really nice butts.  I think my pet enjoyed it too."

      So round up your photos and send 'em in; a great prize (and international notoriety) awaits the winner!

      Thursday, March 17, 2011

      The LG Report's 50-State Interview Series is Flushed with Pride to Present Rodney of "Mental Poo" in New Hampshire


      Chuck Norris once ordered a Big Mac at Burger King...and they gave it to him.

      New Hampshire got screwed on coastline
      If you can tolerate the inane, immature and unorthodox humor of The LG Report, then you'll probably love the hilarity excreted by Rodney (aka "the Midget Man of Steel") who writes the rollicking blog "Mental Poo."   

      LG recently got a taste of Mental Poo (similar to chicken but lower in calories) at the recommendation of Eva of  Wrestling with Retirement fame.  It did not disappoint.  

      Rodney, one of the few people living in New Hampshire, was asked to be the official representative of The Granite State for The LG Report's 50-State Interview Series.  For some reason, he agreed.  

      So let's get right to it and sink our teeth into some Mental Poo: 
      The LG Report:  This is an embarrassingly obvious question, but it must be asked:  Have you ever made a pillow out of your belly button lint and tricked overnight guests into sleeping on it?

      This seems like a pillow Rodney might own, but we're just guessin
      Rodney:  Hey. Who hasn’t.

      The LG Report: Do you ever pick your nose while blogging?  It’s just something that we think about while reading Mental Poo. 

      Rodney: Okay, so far your first two questions have involved belly button lint pillow and nose picking. I’m more inclined to think that these are less questions for me and more of your own veiled cry for help regarding obvious personal hygiene issues. I’m starting to think that the next question will probably involve a ‘corn in my poop’ reference.

      The LG Report:  Have you ever found any mental corn in your Mental Poo?

      Rodney:  I. AM. GOOD.
      Yes, we're this immature.  Sorry. 

      The LG Report:  You live in New Hampshire and are proudly representing your state in The LG Report’s 50-State Interview Series. What about New Hampshire’s famous White Mountains? They seem a bit racist.  Would you consider renaming them the Latino Mountains or, perhaps, the People of Color Mountains? 

      Rodney: If you’ve ever actually traveled to New Hampshire you’d know that we have only one person here who is black and I’m pretty sure that guy just got lost looking for an Arby’s. If you want ethnic variety, you can cross the border into Massachusetts to experience a wide range of cultures as well as the ungodly fear of being carjacked at an intersection. Also, for future reference, ‘The Latino Mountains’ already exist elsewhere in the United States but it is more commonly referred to as “Los Angeles.” That one’s free. You’re welcome.

      The LG Report:  While on the topic of discrimination, the largest city in your state is named “Manchester.”  Would you consider re-naming this “Womanchester?”  This is not a trick question.  A reader named “Richard Simmons” submitted this question.

      Rodney: Sorry. I’ve been staring at this question for an hour and all I can come up with is “Woman chest” and the feeling that I’m losing time with all this daydreaming.


      The LG Report: Writing Mental Poo, an intensely funny blog, must be exhausting.  Do you ever experience writer’s block and, if so, do you take Mental Ex-Lax?

      Rodney: It IS exhausting. Luckily for me my boss doesn’t expect a lot so I can usually catch up on sleep at my desk.

      As far as writer’s block goes: yes, I do get it. However after a few days of not writing anything something will usually fall in my lap. Sadly, it’s never a vagina.

      The LG Report:  New Hampshire prides itself on having the first presidential primaries every election season.  This seems rather arrogant given your state’s small population.  There is no question here, we just wanted to get that out.  Pretend that you see a question in here and just give us some type of answer, even if it has no relation to anything we've written in this paragraph or anywhere in the history of The LG Report or even the world in general.  Thank you in advance for indulging us.

      Fuel for Mental Poo.
      Rodney: Steak is my favorite.

      The LG Report:  Many readers of this interview may be thinking "Hey, I might like to step in some Mental Poo."  Which post or posts of yours would you refer them to?  We'll publish the link as long as it's not runny. 

      Rodney: God, this one’s tough since I’ve written over 800 posts but here are some of my all-time favorites:

      That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.

      The LG Report:  JD Salinger, the famously reclusive writer, lived in New Hampshire.  Do you believe that he based his book "The Catcher in the Rye" on your blog Mental Poo? Wait, let us rephrase that question.  He obviously did base the book on your blog.  Why didn't you sue him for royalties?   Or kick him in the balls?

      Rodney: This may come as a shock but I’ve never read the book. Primarily because I’m not a huge fan of rye unless I’m eating a Reuben sandwich which begs the question: HOW DID CLAY AIKEN LOSE?!

      It boggles the mind.

      Sadly,Winnie has fallen prey to the meth in recent years.
      The LG Report:  If Winnie had a nervous breakdown, would you classify him as a Mental Pooh, and would you welcome him onto your blog?  And would you ever consider writing a “Mental Pooh” blog for kids that’s not as racy/edgy/sophisticated/mature/piggish as “Mental Poo?”  

      Rodney: Believe it or not, Pooh has actually made an appearance in one of my YouTube videos:

      Hopefully that puts an end to that question. [Editor's Note: LG just checked out the video; you will laugh heartily.]

      As far as a kids’ blog?  Hell no. They don’t have money to buy any of my shit:

      (this is what you call, ‘grabbing the bull by the horns’)

      The LG Report:  Who’s your comedy idol? 

      Rodney:  Stephen Hawking. I just have to look at that guy and I crack up.

      Mental Poo critics are just jealous.
      The LG Report: Here's the forum you've been waiting for: What would you say to critics who would poo poo Mental Poo?

      Rodney: Like that would happen. You’re funny.

      The LG Report:  We really haven’t talked much about New Hampshire in this interview, largely because you’re larger than life and more interesting than the Granite State.  When you run for governor of New Hampshire, what will your platform be?  Please give us the first paragraph of your stump speech.

      Rodney:  I’m lost. I’m a stump? What happened to me? Was it painful? I hate pain so I’m hoping it was some sort of tragic brothel incident (again). I’m also assuming being a stump is why I’ve been elected in the first place – what am I going to do? Veto something? I can’t. I’m a stump.

      I forget where I was going with this.

      Why would anyone manufacture this? And why would we post it?
      The LG Report:  You’re stuck on a deserted island (with just one ugly chick, so it might as well be deserted since you’re obviously ignoring her) and you can only read one blog, other than “Mental Poo” or “The LG Report,” for a year.  Which one is it? 

      Rodney: I don’t understand the ‘ugly chick’ reference. Once the sun goes down, the difference between ugly and hot is blurred. Also, ugly girls is why God gave men eyelids. I believe this is also applicable in reverse for women, although I wouldn’t know because I’m actually pretty hot (see post above).

      The blog I would read would be a toss-up between The Bloggess  and  Hyperbole and a Half  . Both crack me up.

      The LG Report:  Anything else that we missed Rodney?  Give us some of your famously funny one-liners or some words of wisdom or whatever you’d like.  Just let ‘er rip, you have our full attention….

      Rodney: Just remember it’s like Forrest Gump always said:

      “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get until one of your aunts decides to stick her thumb in the bottom and ruin them for everyone else. Aunts suck, sometimes. Also, so does coconut.


      There you have it folks, some excellent insights by Rodney.  Our sincerest thanks to him for plopping by, err, we mean dropping by.  Be sure to check out Mental Poo  when you get a chance; no doubt you'll be clicking back regularly for more loads of Rodney's humor!

      Sunday, March 13, 2011

      Register...Your Opinion

      Chuck Norris can watch an entire episode of "60 Minutes" in 20 minutes.

      LG is getting married soon.  First time.  For many years he subscribed to this bit of wisdom that he heard uttered at a wedding in 1991: "There's only one thing worse than being alone when you're old...wishing you were alone."

      But that attitude has gone by the wayside and his marriage is impending.  Among the millions of details to attend to, is this: Do we register for specific wedding gifts?

      LG says no.  We're not kids right out of college needing a microwave, crock pot, bread maker and all  the other useless crap that people give.

      LG's friend Geo, however, fervently declares that it's a must.  "It helps guests pick something to get you, you do it for them," he says, implying that it's downright rude not to register somewhere.

      LG and his fiance are not in it for the presents, honestly.  They don't care if people buy a wedding gift or give money to charity or don't give anything at all; that's not why they're being invited to share in the special day.  And if they do want to give a gift, why should their creativity be stifled by a pre-approved list of gifts?  Sure, people are always free to ignore the registry, but many would feel obligated to use it.  LG would rather that people exercise their imaginations and be creative.  That's what LG has done that for the 30+ weddings he's attended.  Does everything in life need to be spoon-fed?

      What's your opinion?  LG would love to hear, especially from those who have been through one or more weddings of their own.

      In the meantime, LG has drawn up a list of items that he'd register for if there were no considerations of political correctness or financial constraints.  In other words, it's his fantasy list for a perfect worldPlease note: People who know LG are specifically advised that these are not serious items, so please don't try to be clever by actually getting any of these things as a wedding gift.  Unless it's the real (not toy) Lamborghini.  LG will relax his rule for that one.

      So here it is, LG's registry of wedding gifts:

      A UH-60 Blackhawk Helicopter.  Those five people hanging out are where LG's friends would be.  LG would be flying this baby.  Goodbye traffic delays!

      An autographed Bert Jones jersey from 1975, the first of three consecutive years that he quarterbacked the Baltimore Colts to the AFC East title.  R.I.P. Baltimore Colts.   


      LG's very own Slurpee machine.  The one below would look great in the kitchen and would get a lot of use.  However, LG would nix that Mountain Dew-flavored Slurpee on the far right and replace it with the blue Slurpee.  LG can't remember what flavor 7-11 claims the blue Slurpee is, but it tastes good nonetheless. And is probably high in blue vitamin content.   

      A red Lamborghini.  Any model would do, LG isn't picky about his Lamborghinis.   The one in this photo is perfect. 

      The woman's leg lamp from the classic movie "A Christmas Story."  Not a replica, but the real thing, the one actually used in the movie.  Here's what it looks like for those who've been living under a rock:

      Some really cool spy equipment, like what's pictured below.  What exactly is that stuff?  You don't need to know.  And don' be ridiculing LG for choosing this gift, he'll be listening to your every word... 

      An on-stage pass for every stop on a Springsteen world tour.  He'd take Patty Scialfa's place on the tambourine.  Let's face it, playing the tambourine takes zero talent.  It's the instrument that they give every kid to play in his first music class in school.  LG could rock the tambourine in his sleep.  Patty could use a rest anyway.  

      A really good, professional-quality magic set.  Not like the bogus set pictured below.  You can't find photos of really good magic sets on-line, they're too magical to be photographed.

      We'll wrap it up here with a quick rundown of some of the remaining items: A slingshot, night vision goggles, an air-soft BB gun, a 3-D TV built into eyeglasses, a motorcycle that never crashes, a decoder ring, X-Ray glasses (real, not the kind in the back of comic books) and more followers for The LG Report.

      Oh, and the most important gift of all for LG: 100 years of marriage to his bride.  Yes, she's that awesome.

      There you have it, LG's fantasy gift registration.  What's your take, is it necessary to register or not?  And, while you're at it, feel free to throw one or more of your fantasy gifts into the comment.

      Thanks for stopping by!

      Programming Note: We are expecting upcoming interviews from the witty, wise and wonderful authors of Mental Poo (Rodney) and Wild Life in the Woods (Susan in the Boonies.)  They promise to be quite entertaining, so be sure to check back often...

      Thursday, March 10, 2011

      Customized Terror Alerts Now Available!

      The old system.
      If you've been immersed in CNN (Charlie News Network) these past few days (and, let's face it, who hasn't?), you might have missed this news tidbit:  The U.S. government, in an effort to confer greater autonomy on individual states, has allowed each to come up with their own customized Terror Alert Warnings.

      This new policy, the federal government believes, will enable citizens of each state to better relate to, and understand, the current levels of Terror Alerts in their area.

      The LG Report has once again scooped all other internationally-respected news organizations and is proud to be the first to report on the new warnings.

      National security concerns prevent us from revealing the entire line-up of new warnings at this time; however, we can provide a sneak preview of what to expect in the new scheme.  Just another benefit of being a reader of The LG Report!

      Here's a sample of some of the new warning levels:


      Current Level:  The bookmakers say we have nothing to worry about.

      Next Elevation:  Be vigilant, or the next bones that roll may be your own.

      Rhode Island

      Current Level:  Remain calm, we're too small to notice.

      Next Elevation:  Shit, they noticed.


      Current Level:  Your duly-elected officials have it all under control.

      Next Elevation:  If you die in a terror attack, please remember to keep voting.


      Current Level:  No worries, it's a dry heat.

      Next Elevation:  People without papers will be shot on sight.  

      West Virginia

      The set of a West Virginia cooking show.
      Current Level:  Relax Clem, have a glass of moonshine.

      Next Elevation: Grab one of your guns and git behind any appliance on your front lawn.


      Current Level:  Low. Stay inside in the air conditioning and just keep e-mailing people up North about our great weather.

      Next Elevation:  Terror alert!  Terror alert! Get to the buffet extra-early and bring home doggie bags for the long haul!


      Current Level:  Are you kidding us?  Every citizen owns an arsenal.  We're ready.

      Next Elevation:  We hope a terrorist tries something, we'll go all Chuck Norris on him. 


      Current Level: Dude, mellow out.

      Next Elevation: Dude, mellow out.

      Standard-issue California gas masks for use in a terrorist attack.  The attached bong-like devices are, in fact, bongs. 


      Current Level:  Moderate.  Our state capital is already in turmoil.

      Next Elevation:  Still moderate, but we especially hate non-union terrorists, so keep an eye out.


      Current Level:  Low.  Sarah is watching Russia with a loaded rifle.

      Next Elevation:  Still not worried, we don't have any population centers to attack.

      New York
      An official New York anti-terror uniform.

      Current Level:  Don't be overly concerned, he's probably just a cab driver.

      Next Elevation: If you see a terrorist, just put a foot up his ass to welcome him to New York.

      So there you  have it folks, some of the new terror warning alert levels.  We hope you benefitted from this public service message from The LG Report.  Until next time...

      Sunday, March 6, 2011

      The LG Report Interviews Kelley From Kelley's Break Room!

      Not unlike the one-millionth customer dragging himself through the door of a Walmart (three days after it opens), Kelley, author of the very funny and refreshing blog Kelley's Break Room  recently became the 100th Follower of The LG Report! [Yes, it merited an exclamation point!  Two actually!!]

      In fact, it's exactly the same thing, except we're not a Walmart store (although we do have a lot of people bending over to expose their butt cracks around here.) And Kelley knew she'd be the milestone 100th Follower since she could see that there were 99 people ahead of her. Other than that, however, it's exactly the same thing. The butt crack part, anyway.

      Kelley's idea to name her blog Kelley's Break Room  (click on the name to be transported) was brilliant because break rooms are places where people can relax, do some thinking and have some fun. Based on that example, LG is thinking of starting another blog of his own called "LG's Bathroom."

      Rather than award Kelley some tired old prize, like a Pandora bracelet (sorry Sandra) or a brand new Cadillac, we're going to do one better by making her the subject of an LG Report interview! Lucky Kelley!

      Please note that we capitalize the "F" in "Followers" at all times. This demonstrates the great love and admiration The LG Report has for its Followers. We'd wash your stinky feet and comb your unruly hair if you were here in person. We'd even let you drop ice cubes and sharp objects into our exposed butt cracks just for laughs. Too much? Yeah, we thought it might be. Sorry.

      OK, so let's head on down the hall to the Break Room to catch up with the one and only Kelley. It was tougher than you might think to land this interview, because every time we approached Kelley with questions she'd say that she was on her break and we'd have to come back later. Finally, we cornered her at 5:01 pm, just as she was leaving the Break Room:

      The LG Report:  Kelley, it's no secret that the vast majority of bloggers use profile pictures of themselves that are either very old and flattering, or which have been doctored with software. Our question: How did you manage to doctor such an old photo of yourself in such a flattering way?

      Kelley:  Alright, since you brought it up, I’m going to have to just come clean already. That’s not me in my profile picture. I actually have really long platinum blonde hair and often get mistaken for Steve Buscemi. While we’re on this topic, my name isn’t even Kelley. It’s Eve Boscemi. He’s probably my twin. Imagine him with long blonde hair and a skirt. That’s me you see. That’s me.
      The real "Kelley?"

      The LG Report: Have you noticed the egg salad sandwich that has been in the Break Room fridge for the last 2 weeks? It has now grown legs and is walking around on the third shelf. The other employees would like to know what do you intend to do about that.

      Kelley:  Well, no, I hadn’t noticed it because I don’t clean the refrigerator. I used to scrub that thing out with my Clorox spray when I had 5 followers, but once I got to 10, I hired me someone. Sure did. Her name is Bob. Bob said she needed the day off. It really is too bad that she had to stay home with her sick Beta fish because we’re about to fry them egg salad legs right up! IT’S AN “EGG SALAD LEG FRY” DAY IN THE BREAK ROOM! Wear your jeans! WOOP! WOOP! Getchu a plastic bib from Larry Sue over there by the fake plants and dig in!

      The LG Report: Charlie from accounting is in here every time we walk by, what's up with that? Doesn't he have a boss?

      Kelley: He actually just told me this morning that he’s always there due to an awful and chronic case of gas. Apparently, he’s tried to contain himself in his little area near the Xerox machine, but keeps getting found out. Some of the clues have been people dropping dead right behind his chair on their way to make copies. His boss slides work for him under the Break Room door. I am almost positive we’d have more people stopping by the Break Room if it didn’t smell like rotting yak in here.

      “Charlie!! HEY!! CHARLIE!!! Do us all a favor and work on that spreadsheet in your trunk, okay?”

      So glad you brought that Charlie subject up. Before we continue with this interview, I’m going to have to knock down the drywall in the Break Room and rebuild it. It should only take a few minutes.

      I’m back. Let’s keep going.

      The LG Report: By the way, what kind of company is the Break Room located in?

      Kelley:  We do quite a combination of things here, but our main area of business is to support professional tic-tac-toe players. There really are more out there than you think. We send out newsletters via snail mail and send daily e-mails, too, with tips on how to play the game better, such as “begin the game by placing your ‘x’ or ‘o’ in one of the corners”. Actually, that’s all the e-mails and newsletters say. Somehow our day goes by fast. Maybe we’re spending too much time in the Break Room?

      The LG Report: What's the best post for new readers of "Kelley's Break Room" to check out? We'll provide a live link for their convenience. PETA: Please note - No live links were harmed in the posting of this live link.

      Mr. Rogers was much larger in real life than viewers imagined.
      Kelley:  Well, give me a minute while I research the post that got the most comments. Okay, "5 Reasons Mr. Rogers Stressed Me Out"   has been my most popular post so far. [Editor's Note: Click on the name to see the post; anyone who has ever seen "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood" will love it.] I am hoping to top that one with my “Rules for Tic-Tac-Toe”, which should be coming out any day now.

      The LG Report: You have that extra "e" in Kelley, you must come from money, most women we know with your name can only afford to spell it with one "e." Would you ever consider selling your extra "e" and donating the money to charity?

      Kelley:  I bought this extra “e” at a garage sale. I had you fooled!

      The LG Report: Do you get angry when people call you "Kelly" without pronouncing the extra "e?"

      Kelley: It usually doesn’t bother me. The last time I let it get to me, I ended up uprooting all of my neighbor’s shrubbery and small trees with my bare hands. Over time, I have tried to realize that not everyone is in tune with how to actually pronounce my name. That is what happens with names that are so rare, like mine. As you know, the spelling without the “e” is pronounced “Kel-eee” and the pronunciation WITH the “e” is pronounced “Kel-eee”. Hear the difference? Try to say it right, for trees’ sake.

      The LG Report: You live in Texas. Has Chuck Norris ever stopped by the Break Room and, if so, tell us one incredible thing he did there. We're sure he would've done many, like beat up the walking egg salad sandwich, but please limit it to one.

      Kelley: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Good ol’ Chuck!!! You have really bought back some good memories. He tries to stop by every time he is in town. HAHAHAHAHA!!! He’s been here once. When he was here, he just INSISTED that I sit in the orange chair I have placed at the top of my blog while he jumped over me over and over again. He was sweating like an aardvark when it was all over and I had a gash over my right eyebrow, a bloody nose and a black eye. Still, I love Chuck, so I just high-fived him, told him the 10 Cokes he guzzled down in 3 minutes were on me and high-tailed it to the emergency room.

      The LG Report: If you could have any person in the world stop by the Break Room for a chat, who would it be and why? We're excluding dead people because the Break Room already smells funky enough.

      Wiiged out!
      Kelley: You got that right. THANKS A LOT, CHARLIE!!!! It is really a toss-up between Jack Black and Kristen Wiig from "SNL." Jack Black absolutely cracks me up even when he isn’t being funny. He’s just so pudgy, sweaty, genuine and awesome. I think I’d have to go with Kristen Wiig, though. I love her absolute shamelessness. I love how she contorts her face. She is living the life I would love to live (if it included my husband, sons, family, lots of Coke, the Break Room and my favorite pillow, of course)!

      The LG Report: Can we get Snickers bars in the vending machine? And how about Starbucks for the coffee maker?


      *****sighs heavily*****

      Did you turn in your TPS report? If not, I’m going to need you come in over the weekend and finish that up. If you can get that TPS report in tip-top shape by Monday, I will see what I can do to get some Milky Ways and Folgers in the Break Room for you, ‘mmmmmkay?

      The LG Report: What's your personal favorite vending machine item in the Break Room and why?

      The bench outside Kelley's Break Room.
      Kelley: I actually think Milky Way is the lamest candy bar EVER. It is closely followed by Three Musketeers. Sitting arrogantly on top of them both is Kit Kat. I love Kit Kat and that is why A1 through Z4 in the vending machine all have a row of Kit Kats right behind them, with the exception of G2 which contains a bag of peanut M&Ms.

      The LG Report: Why is the Coke brand so prominently displayed on your blog logo? Do you have a sponsorship deal? Or is it code, indicating that the Break Room is really a drug den? You can tell us, our Followers aren't stoolies.

      Kelley: Drugs kill!  Growing up, my mom was always drinking Coke. People were always getting each other Cokes when we went to each other’s houses. It’s more of nostalgic thing for me. No sponsorship going on over here. If I asked Coca-Cola to sponsor my blog, they’d all have a really good laugh and then pelt me relentlessly with empty cans.

      The LG Report:  Kelley, you've said in your blog that you purposefully don't write about your kids and husband. We're not intimating that you may have done something sinister to them, but would you be able to produce a photo of them holding up a recent newspaper?

      Kelley:  Well, if you count the dinner I made the other night as sinister, then…GUILTY! I do write about my kids and husbands sometimes. I actually wrote a whole post about my husband and his very flirtatious bus driver called "Is My Husband Having an Affair?"  (live link folks) last month. I love my two little boys very, very much. I just want to keep them mostly to myself right now.
      Kelley's son provides "proof of life." We called the FBI and Nancy Grace to withdraw our request for an investigation.

      The LG Report: While you're here in the spotlight Kelley (albeit not a very bright one, we know...), are there any bloggers who you'd like to give a shout out to?

      Kelley: I love so many blogs. I really, really do. The ones I tend to return to over and over are humor blogs. The ones that are at the top of my list are [click on the name to see the blog]:

      The Blog 'O Cheese  (a recent interviewee here!)

      Kludgy Mom

      The LG Report: Let's assume Kelley's Break Room wins the Academy Award for Best Blog of the Year (The LG Report was on hiatus that year.) You're only allowed to give an acceptance speech of 34 words or less. Let's have it.

      Kelley: Wow, wow, I am just so dang nervous. Is this mic on? Look at all of you just staring at me staring at you because I realize you are all staring at me. Wow.

      (Can I start over?)

      Thanks so much! I would like to thank all of my (paid) readers, that nursing home who lets me do stand-up each week and my family who allows me time to write my nonsense.

      The LG Report: As our 100th Follower, you recognize, of course, that from time to time you'll be called upon to give speeches at rubber chicken dinners, attend ribbon-cutting ceremonies, etc. If for some reason you are not willing or able to discharge your duties at a particular time, which hot female celebrity will you choose to take your place?

      Anne Ramsey
      Ratchel Dratch/"Debbie Downer"
      Kelley: Ha! It’s funny that you ask, because I am always wondering who it is that should have this role. Someone has got to step up and fill it. I highly suspect I may get asked to become a judge on "American Idol" next year. I am going to need some help on the blog front. The hot female celebrity that I would have loved to have asked would have been Anne Ramsey from "The Goonies" and "Throw Momma From The Train," but she has, unfortunately, passed away. The next hot female celebrity I have in mind is Rachel Dratch.

      The LG Report: Well Kelley, our time here is just about up. We see the cleaning crew is waiting to get in here to the Break Room to tidy up the for the night. Looks like they have an Animal Control Specialist with them to lasso that egg sandwich. Any final thoughts on Kelley's Break Room, or blogging in general, or your great honor of being The LG Report's 100th Follower? It's an open forum, say whatever you'd like (we'll edit out anything we don't agree with anyway...)

      Kelley: I love being in your spotlight, no matter the size. I am so flattered to have been your 100th Follower and the subject of this hilarious interview! Your questions made me laugh out loud. I know your 1,000th Follower is just around the corner! (No, really, he is… I just saw him buying pork rinds and a Big Red at the Exxon station). I found your blog due to your interview with "The Blog O’ Cheese" and I am so thrilled that I did. I laughed out loud and hard at the questions you asked him and at this interview that you composed for me. You are a hilarious and a gifted writer! [Editor's Note: LG did not write his paragraph, although we don't blame you for thinking that he did...]

      So there you have it folks, another LG Report Interview is in the books. We'd like to extend a very warm thanks to Kelley for both being our 100th Follower and for agreeing to participate in this interview. If you haven't already, we strongly recommend that you head over to check out Kelley's Break Room , it's an excellent read and you'll probably want to sign on to follow (but, unfortunately, Kelley received her 100th Follower long ago, so that great honor is no longer available.)

      Until next time, thanks for stopping by everyone...