Thursday, March 10, 2011

Customized Terror Alerts Now Available!

The old system.
If you've been immersed in CNN (Charlie News Network) these past few days (and, let's face it, who hasn't?), you might have missed this news tidbit:  The U.S. government, in an effort to confer greater autonomy on individual states, has allowed each to come up with their own customized Terror Alert Warnings.

This new policy, the federal government believes, will enable citizens of each state to better relate to, and understand, the current levels of Terror Alerts in their area.

The LG Report has once again scooped all other internationally-respected news organizations and is proud to be the first to report on the new warnings.

National security concerns prevent us from revealing the entire line-up of new warnings at this time; however, we can provide a sneak preview of what to expect in the new scheme.  Just another benefit of being a reader of The LG Report!

Here's a sample of some of the new warning levels:


Current Level:  The bookmakers say we have nothing to worry about.

Next Elevation:  Be vigilant, or the next bones that roll may be your own.

Rhode Island

Current Level:  Remain calm, we're too small to notice.

Next Elevation:  Shit, they noticed.


Current Level:  Your duly-elected officials have it all under control.

Next Elevation:  If you die in a terror attack, please remember to keep voting.


Current Level:  No worries, it's a dry heat.

Next Elevation:  People without papers will be shot on sight.  

West Virginia

The set of a West Virginia cooking show.
Current Level:  Relax Clem, have a glass of moonshine.

Next Elevation: Grab one of your guns and git behind any appliance on your front lawn.


Current Level:  Low. Stay inside in the air conditioning and just keep e-mailing people up North about our great weather.

Next Elevation:  Terror alert!  Terror alert! Get to the buffet extra-early and bring home doggie bags for the long haul!


Current Level:  Are you kidding us?  Every citizen owns an arsenal.  We're ready.

Next Elevation:  We hope a terrorist tries something, we'll go all Chuck Norris on him. 


Current Level: Dude, mellow out.

Next Elevation: Dude, mellow out.

Standard-issue California gas masks for use in a terrorist attack.  The attached bong-like devices are, in fact, bongs. 


Current Level:  Moderate.  Our state capital is already in turmoil.

Next Elevation:  Still moderate, but we especially hate non-union terrorists, so keep an eye out.


Current Level:  Low.  Sarah is watching Russia with a loaded rifle.

Next Elevation:  Still not worried, we don't have any population centers to attack.

New York
An official New York anti-terror uniform.

Current Level:  Don't be overly concerned, he's probably just a cab driver.

Next Elevation: If you see a terrorist, just put a foot up his ass to welcome him to New York.

So there you  have it folks, some of the new terror warning alert levels.  We hope you benefitted from this public service message from The LG Report.  Until next time...


  1. :-) Here in Minnesota, any threat level above the omnipresent "orange" is met by us just not opening the door. 'Up yours,' we're thinking, 'freeze to death'.

    And yes. We still say "up yours". Or my personal favorite: "get bent".

    Damn terrorists.


  2. In Tennessee, at the Current Level, we pray for them, bless their hearts.

    At the Next Elevation, we write a drinkin'/cheatin' song about them, and go out in the parking lot to bash in their headlights with a baseball bat. That'll show 'em.

  3. CNN needs people like you.

    Charlie Sheen is now the top threat level, if you ask me.

  4. Here in Maine:

    Level one: Don't be concerned, just finish eating your lobster.

    Level two: Be concerned; turne the moose loose!

  5. Colorado - be vigilant of anyone breathing 5 times as fast - they aren't acclimated.

    Ensure deployment of giant wooden bears to front porch for extra security measures.

    Stock up on massive quantities of granola and Fat Tire beer and take shelter while spring blizzards disorient suspected terrorists.

  6. This was so funny! My favorite was Rhode Island. Ha!

  7. Being the proud Chicagoan that I am, I really appreciate the Illinois system.
    So sad. So true.

  8. You have a brilliant mind. Between the two of us, we will be ruling the universe by May 2013.
    I laughed while marvelling at the creativity, and yes the reality of this post...because really, do the Florida people have to keep bragging about the weather?
    Terrific Laz, as always!

  9. Phillie's Fans Anxiety Level alert:

    Current Level - Moderate and Increasing.

    Next Elevation - after the imminent Chase Utley Out for the season diagnosis; Heading towards collective nervous breakdown.

  10. Next elevation here in the UK is: 'invite them in and offer them a cup of tea old chap!'
    At last I have escaped from the Frenchies. Boy have I missed you...time to catch up I think.

  11. Perfect! The best way to read a terror report is with laughter.
    Kill 'em with laughter. Yeah, that will do it.

  12. I live in California and have misplaced my gas mask/bong. Please send me another ASAP.

    P.S. Do not bend it either.

  13. In 1899 Congressman Willard Wandiver said, "I come from a state that raises corn and cotton and cockleburs and Democrats, and frothy eloquence neither convinces nor satisfies me. I am from Missouri. You have got to show me." So we are known for being stubborn and called the "Show Me" state. Therefore ours would probably be:

    CURRENT LEVEL: Prove to us we need one!

    NEXT ELEVATION: Unlock the hidden silos and go by the Harry Tuman play book; load up the nukes and "Give em hell !"


The LG Report appreciates all comments, thanks for taking the time; Karma will probably award you a winning lotter ticket or something. The "or something" being more likely. But thanks again!