Sunday, March 6, 2011

The LG Report Interviews Kelley From Kelley's Break Room!

Not unlike the one-millionth customer dragging himself through the door of a Walmart (three days after it opens), Kelley, author of the very funny and refreshing blog Kelley's Break Room  recently became the 100th Follower of The LG Report! [Yes, it merited an exclamation point!  Two actually!!]

In fact, it's exactly the same thing, except we're not a Walmart store (although we do have a lot of people bending over to expose their butt cracks around here.) And Kelley knew she'd be the milestone 100th Follower since she could see that there were 99 people ahead of her. Other than that, however, it's exactly the same thing. The butt crack part, anyway.

Kelley's idea to name her blog Kelley's Break Room  (click on the name to be transported) was brilliant because break rooms are places where people can relax, do some thinking and have some fun. Based on that example, LG is thinking of starting another blog of his own called "LG's Bathroom."

Rather than award Kelley some tired old prize, like a Pandora bracelet (sorry Sandra) or a brand new Cadillac, we're going to do one better by making her the subject of an LG Report interview! Lucky Kelley!

Please note that we capitalize the "F" in "Followers" at all times. This demonstrates the great love and admiration The LG Report has for its Followers. We'd wash your stinky feet and comb your unruly hair if you were here in person. We'd even let you drop ice cubes and sharp objects into our exposed butt cracks just for laughs. Too much? Yeah, we thought it might be. Sorry.

OK, so let's head on down the hall to the Break Room to catch up with the one and only Kelley. It was tougher than you might think to land this interview, because every time we approached Kelley with questions she'd say that she was on her break and we'd have to come back later. Finally, we cornered her at 5:01 pm, just as she was leaving the Break Room:

The LG Report:  Kelley, it's no secret that the vast majority of bloggers use profile pictures of themselves that are either very old and flattering, or which have been doctored with software. Our question: How did you manage to doctor such an old photo of yourself in such a flattering way?

Kelley:  Alright, since you brought it up, I’m going to have to just come clean already. That’s not me in my profile picture. I actually have really long platinum blonde hair and often get mistaken for Steve Buscemi. While we’re on this topic, my name isn’t even Kelley. It’s Eve Boscemi. He’s probably my twin. Imagine him with long blonde hair and a skirt. That’s me you see. That’s me.
The real "Kelley?"

The LG Report: Have you noticed the egg salad sandwich that has been in the Break Room fridge for the last 2 weeks? It has now grown legs and is walking around on the third shelf. The other employees would like to know what do you intend to do about that.

Kelley:  Well, no, I hadn’t noticed it because I don’t clean the refrigerator. I used to scrub that thing out with my Clorox spray when I had 5 followers, but once I got to 10, I hired me someone. Sure did. Her name is Bob. Bob said she needed the day off. It really is too bad that she had to stay home with her sick Beta fish because we’re about to fry them egg salad legs right up! IT’S AN “EGG SALAD LEG FRY” DAY IN THE BREAK ROOM! Wear your jeans! WOOP! WOOP! Getchu a plastic bib from Larry Sue over there by the fake plants and dig in!

The LG Report: Charlie from accounting is in here every time we walk by, what's up with that? Doesn't he have a boss?

Kelley: He actually just told me this morning that he’s always there due to an awful and chronic case of gas. Apparently, he’s tried to contain himself in his little area near the Xerox machine, but keeps getting found out. Some of the clues have been people dropping dead right behind his chair on their way to make copies. His boss slides work for him under the Break Room door. I am almost positive we’d have more people stopping by the Break Room if it didn’t smell like rotting yak in here.

“Charlie!! HEY!! CHARLIE!!! Do us all a favor and work on that spreadsheet in your trunk, okay?”

So glad you brought that Charlie subject up. Before we continue with this interview, I’m going to have to knock down the drywall in the Break Room and rebuild it. It should only take a few minutes.

I’m back. Let’s keep going.

The LG Report: By the way, what kind of company is the Break Room located in?

Kelley:  We do quite a combination of things here, but our main area of business is to support professional tic-tac-toe players. There really are more out there than you think. We send out newsletters via snail mail and send daily e-mails, too, with tips on how to play the game better, such as “begin the game by placing your ‘x’ or ‘o’ in one of the corners”. Actually, that’s all the e-mails and newsletters say. Somehow our day goes by fast. Maybe we’re spending too much time in the Break Room?

The LG Report: What's the best post for new readers of "Kelley's Break Room" to check out? We'll provide a live link for their convenience. PETA: Please note - No live links were harmed in the posting of this live link.

Mr. Rogers was much larger in real life than viewers imagined.
Kelley:  Well, give me a minute while I research the post that got the most comments. Okay, "5 Reasons Mr. Rogers Stressed Me Out"   has been my most popular post so far. [Editor's Note: Click on the name to see the post; anyone who has ever seen "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood" will love it.] I am hoping to top that one with my “Rules for Tic-Tac-Toe”, which should be coming out any day now.

The LG Report: You have that extra "e" in Kelley, you must come from money, most women we know with your name can only afford to spell it with one "e." Would you ever consider selling your extra "e" and donating the money to charity?

Kelley:  I bought this extra “e” at a garage sale. I had you fooled!

The LG Report: Do you get angry when people call you "Kelly" without pronouncing the extra "e?"

Kelley: It usually doesn’t bother me. The last time I let it get to me, I ended up uprooting all of my neighbor’s shrubbery and small trees with my bare hands. Over time, I have tried to realize that not everyone is in tune with how to actually pronounce my name. That is what happens with names that are so rare, like mine. As you know, the spelling without the “e” is pronounced “Kel-eee” and the pronunciation WITH the “e” is pronounced “Kel-eee”. Hear the difference? Try to say it right, for trees’ sake.

The LG Report: You live in Texas. Has Chuck Norris ever stopped by the Break Room and, if so, tell us one incredible thing he did there. We're sure he would've done many, like beat up the walking egg salad sandwich, but please limit it to one.

Kelley: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Good ol’ Chuck!!! You have really bought back some good memories. He tries to stop by every time he is in town. HAHAHAHAHA!!! He’s been here once. When he was here, he just INSISTED that I sit in the orange chair I have placed at the top of my blog while he jumped over me over and over again. He was sweating like an aardvark when it was all over and I had a gash over my right eyebrow, a bloody nose and a black eye. Still, I love Chuck, so I just high-fived him, told him the 10 Cokes he guzzled down in 3 minutes were on me and high-tailed it to the emergency room.

The LG Report: If you could have any person in the world stop by the Break Room for a chat, who would it be and why? We're excluding dead people because the Break Room already smells funky enough.

Wiiged out!
Kelley: You got that right. THANKS A LOT, CHARLIE!!!! It is really a toss-up between Jack Black and Kristen Wiig from "SNL." Jack Black absolutely cracks me up even when he isn’t being funny. He’s just so pudgy, sweaty, genuine and awesome. I think I’d have to go with Kristen Wiig, though. I love her absolute shamelessness. I love how she contorts her face. She is living the life I would love to live (if it included my husband, sons, family, lots of Coke, the Break Room and my favorite pillow, of course)!

The LG Report: Can we get Snickers bars in the vending machine? And how about Starbucks for the coffee maker?


*****sighs heavily*****

Did you turn in your TPS report? If not, I’m going to need you come in over the weekend and finish that up. If you can get that TPS report in tip-top shape by Monday, I will see what I can do to get some Milky Ways and Folgers in the Break Room for you, ‘mmmmmkay?

The LG Report: What's your personal favorite vending machine item in the Break Room and why?

The bench outside Kelley's Break Room.
Kelley: I actually think Milky Way is the lamest candy bar EVER. It is closely followed by Three Musketeers. Sitting arrogantly on top of them both is Kit Kat. I love Kit Kat and that is why A1 through Z4 in the vending machine all have a row of Kit Kats right behind them, with the exception of G2 which contains a bag of peanut M&Ms.

The LG Report: Why is the Coke brand so prominently displayed on your blog logo? Do you have a sponsorship deal? Or is it code, indicating that the Break Room is really a drug den? You can tell us, our Followers aren't stoolies.

Kelley: Drugs kill!  Growing up, my mom was always drinking Coke. People were always getting each other Cokes when we went to each other’s houses. It’s more of nostalgic thing for me. No sponsorship going on over here. If I asked Coca-Cola to sponsor my blog, they’d all have a really good laugh and then pelt me relentlessly with empty cans.

The LG Report:  Kelley, you've said in your blog that you purposefully don't write about your kids and husband. We're not intimating that you may have done something sinister to them, but would you be able to produce a photo of them holding up a recent newspaper?

Kelley:  Well, if you count the dinner I made the other night as sinister, then…GUILTY! I do write about my kids and husbands sometimes. I actually wrote a whole post about my husband and his very flirtatious bus driver called "Is My Husband Having an Affair?"  (live link folks) last month. I love my two little boys very, very much. I just want to keep them mostly to myself right now.
Kelley's son provides "proof of life." We called the FBI and Nancy Grace to withdraw our request for an investigation.

The LG Report: While you're here in the spotlight Kelley (albeit not a very bright one, we know...), are there any bloggers who you'd like to give a shout out to?

Kelley: I love so many blogs. I really, really do. The ones I tend to return to over and over are humor blogs. The ones that are at the top of my list are [click on the name to see the blog]:

The Blog 'O Cheese  (a recent interviewee here!)

Kludgy Mom

The LG Report: Let's assume Kelley's Break Room wins the Academy Award for Best Blog of the Year (The LG Report was on hiatus that year.) You're only allowed to give an acceptance speech of 34 words or less. Let's have it.

Kelley: Wow, wow, I am just so dang nervous. Is this mic on? Look at all of you just staring at me staring at you because I realize you are all staring at me. Wow.

(Can I start over?)

Thanks so much! I would like to thank all of my (paid) readers, that nursing home who lets me do stand-up each week and my family who allows me time to write my nonsense.

The LG Report: As our 100th Follower, you recognize, of course, that from time to time you'll be called upon to give speeches at rubber chicken dinners, attend ribbon-cutting ceremonies, etc. If for some reason you are not willing or able to discharge your duties at a particular time, which hot female celebrity will you choose to take your place?

Anne Ramsey
Ratchel Dratch/"Debbie Downer"
Kelley: Ha! It’s funny that you ask, because I am always wondering who it is that should have this role. Someone has got to step up and fill it. I highly suspect I may get asked to become a judge on "American Idol" next year. I am going to need some help on the blog front. The hot female celebrity that I would have loved to have asked would have been Anne Ramsey from "The Goonies" and "Throw Momma From The Train," but she has, unfortunately, passed away. The next hot female celebrity I have in mind is Rachel Dratch.

The LG Report: Well Kelley, our time here is just about up. We see the cleaning crew is waiting to get in here to the Break Room to tidy up the for the night. Looks like they have an Animal Control Specialist with them to lasso that egg sandwich. Any final thoughts on Kelley's Break Room, or blogging in general, or your great honor of being The LG Report's 100th Follower? It's an open forum, say whatever you'd like (we'll edit out anything we don't agree with anyway...)

Kelley: I love being in your spotlight, no matter the size. I am so flattered to have been your 100th Follower and the subject of this hilarious interview! Your questions made me laugh out loud. I know your 1,000th Follower is just around the corner! (No, really, he is… I just saw him buying pork rinds and a Big Red at the Exxon station). I found your blog due to your interview with "The Blog O’ Cheese" and I am so thrilled that I did. I laughed out loud and hard at the questions you asked him and at this interview that you composed for me. You are a hilarious and a gifted writer! [Editor's Note: LG did not write his paragraph, although we don't blame you for thinking that he did...]

So there you have it folks, another LG Report Interview is in the books. We'd like to extend a very warm thanks to Kelley for both being our 100th Follower and for agreeing to participate in this interview. If you haven't already, we strongly recommend that you head over to check out Kelley's Break Room , it's an excellent read and you'll probably want to sign on to follow (but, unfortunately, Kelley received her 100th Follower long ago, so that great honor is no longer available.)

Until next time, thanks for stopping by everyone...


  1. I simply MUST comment! I think it's grand that you honor your 100th follower with such fanfare. Really, more bloggers should do that, don't you think?
    I already follow Kelley- she's fantastic. The two of you in this interview are so funny and entertaining.
    You got me though in your profile statement that if "you are reading this you must have a lot of free time". How could I not follow after that?
    Your sense of humor is grand! I found you by way of HumorSmith, yet another fantastic blogger.

  2. Boy! This really makes me worry. You are absolutely off the wall! kt

  3. This was fantastic and hilarious! I was laughing out loud at so many places. I especially loved...well, obviously the parts where I got a 'shout-out,' but when you asked Kelley: "Do you get angry when people call you "Kelly" without pronouncing the extra "e?" My goodness you are one witty man! You deserve only good things Mr. Lazarus, and I can feel them coming your way! Kelley is awesome and she knows I feel that way about her. I've already offered to share my king size bed with her at BlogHer 2011, and I promised no funny business. But you two made a great pair, this interview was funny from start to finish. I was actually sad to see it end! Can't wait to see who your next interviewee is going to be! This is so much fun Laz, for the person being interviewed and for your readers. Thank you!

  4. Thanks for another wonderfully entertaining read, Lazarus!

  5. I love my time in Kelley's Break Room. And now I have a new blog to follow... The LG Report :)

    And FYI - I put a canister on the counter in the breakroom to collect change. Maybe if we collect enough, we can buy Charlie some Gas-X?

  6. Kelley is the bomb diggity. Every time. I would move into the Break Room if I could. Great interview. Kit Kats, though, Kel? C'mon. Butterfinger, baby.

    And I love that you included're the best non-roommate I've ever had. One day you're being my roommate.

  7. *Ahem*

    It would appear that I am your 107th Follower. 107. Which means that my head is right on top of Kelleeeeeeey's head in your little follower doo-hickey. I think I deserve a little sumthin-sumthin for that! Coffee will suffice. Thank you.

  8. Vicki, 107th follower is a landmark indeed, most we've ever had. But we just signed up to follow your excellent blog as well, so the coffees will cancel out...but we look forward to reading your posts, they are very funny from what we've seen so far. Thanks!

  9. Oh, how I love my Kelley-bo-Belley...thanks for the shout-out, girlfriend! I so enjoyed this interview. My favorite parts:

    1) The extra "e" purchased at a garage sale (although I do think that you could've scored a sssssmokin' deal on vowels on Ebay)

    2) Anne Ramsey and Ratchel Dratch! Again...sssssmokin'. xoxo

  10. Aw, thanks for the shout out, Kel!!! I knew there was a reason I liked you...I'm a big old Milky way fan too :)

  11. Very cool and I totally agree about Milky Way! Great to meet you, Kelley!

  12. You two make a hilarious comedy team. I like the questions and answers equally. Total hilarity. So glad I could introduce you.

  13. A most excellent interview and I'm glad to know how to pronounce Kelley's name correctly. I'm embarrassed to say I had it all wrong, please forgive me Kel-eee.

    Since all my favorite bloggers are over here I'll jump on board and join the crowd. How do you feel about 108 Lazarus?

  14. Actually I think I just became the 110th follower...Oh well who's counting the important thing is I'm a new follower!

  15. Great interview! You cracked me up...Could you two be twins that were separated at birth? I have to go to the break room now...nature is calling.

  16. Arrghh!!

    *I* want to be the speaker at rubber chicken dinners!

    How do you keep beating me to these things!

  17. Kelley's the funniest nut-job in the blogosphere!


  18. Kelley is a wonderful crazy. Like no other.

    Happy to see her here, so more peeps can find out about her site...she is something so fresh and new.

    Nice interview, K.

  19. I love Kelley! Thanks for interviewing her :)

  20. Your interviews are brilliant! Lazarus, you need your own late night show. I'll pop over to Kelley's blog. She's a hoot.

    PS - You won my store's Caption Contest! You crack us up, butt-crack jokes and all.

  21. This is, indeed, a fabulous interview. Everything Kelley told me it would be plus the $20 she slipped me. I am honored to be included in her list of faves. Right back atcha Coke Girl! And did I see something that said "Wegmans?" Oh, man, that place is the best.

    ps- do I get something if I am your 107 follower (factoring in new followers after Kelley)?

  22. Ha! Great interview.

    Um, I brought along some ice cubes.... they are starting to melt so..

  23. Milky Ways are lame? I'm sad!

    Truth? Snickers are the best peeps. Get some Snickers in that Break Room Kelley!

    Loved every word! So funny!

  24. I can't believe I am saying this but "Kelley (with an "e")... you have truly met your match!!! Hilarious questions, hilarious answers!!!! Great post!

  25. I'm only commenting now, because Kelley pays me. Speaking of which, my check is LATE AGAIN! If you want me to keep reading, woman- you better get working. :)

    Just kidding. I love Kelly. I left the 'e' out on purpose. That's me saying Kelley without the 'e'.

  26. I just noticed today that our school break room has a sign that says "Please Leave" in big bold letters. I wanted to point this out to someone, but I didn't. Kelley's Break Room is so much better. I'd never let a thing like that slide at her place.

  27. That was a very fun interview. I especially like the questions and responses about the second "e." Now you have yet another new follower.

  28. Hysterical! No one deserves an interview more than Kelley but I have to wonder if she was hanging out watching the count to be 100th on purpose. Like trying to be the 15th caller on the radio. The Tic-Tac-Toe business comment had me in tears.

  29. You are a fun interviewer...loved it!


  30. I love Kelley with an "e"! I feel sorry for Kellys with a missing "e" and especially sorry for the girls they tried to make feel better by shoving in an "ie"in there (what is that?) But really, she's the bomb! PS the Mr. Rogers blog was my first and have been unable to get off the break-room juice ever since.

    Oh and one more thing, don't hate on the 3 musketeers. There is nothing like a big bite of one while pouring in as much coke as you possibly can without spillage... the perfect combo for a Friday night movie snack. ;-)

  31. Entertaining, as always! I look forward to following the various live links. Thank you for the leads!


The LG Report appreciates all comments, thanks for taking the time; Karma will probably award you a winning lotter ticket or something. The "or something" being more likely. But thanks again!