Sunday, March 13, 2011

Register...Your Opinion

Chuck Norris can watch an entire episode of "60 Minutes" in 20 minutes.

LG is getting married soon.  First time.  For many years he subscribed to this bit of wisdom that he heard uttered at a wedding in 1991: "There's only one thing worse than being alone when you're old...wishing you were alone."

But that attitude has gone by the wayside and his marriage is impending.  Among the millions of details to attend to, is this: Do we register for specific wedding gifts?

LG says no.  We're not kids right out of college needing a microwave, crock pot, bread maker and all  the other useless crap that people give.

LG's friend Geo, however, fervently declares that it's a must.  "It helps guests pick something to get you, you do it for them," he says, implying that it's downright rude not to register somewhere.

LG and his fiance are not in it for the presents, honestly.  They don't care if people buy a wedding gift or give money to charity or don't give anything at all; that's not why they're being invited to share in the special day.  And if they do want to give a gift, why should their creativity be stifled by a pre-approved list of gifts?  Sure, people are always free to ignore the registry, but many would feel obligated to use it.  LG would rather that people exercise their imaginations and be creative.  That's what LG has done that for the 30+ weddings he's attended.  Does everything in life need to be spoon-fed?

What's your opinion?  LG would love to hear, especially from those who have been through one or more weddings of their own.

In the meantime, LG has drawn up a list of items that he'd register for if there were no considerations of political correctness or financial constraints.  In other words, it's his fantasy list for a perfect worldPlease note: People who know LG are specifically advised that these are not serious items, so please don't try to be clever by actually getting any of these things as a wedding gift.  Unless it's the real (not toy) Lamborghini.  LG will relax his rule for that one.

So here it is, LG's registry of wedding gifts:

A UH-60 Blackhawk Helicopter.  Those five people hanging out are where LG's friends would be.  LG would be flying this baby.  Goodbye traffic delays!

An autographed Bert Jones jersey from 1975, the first of three consecutive years that he quarterbacked the Baltimore Colts to the AFC East title.  R.I.P. Baltimore Colts.   


LG's very own Slurpee machine.  The one below would look great in the kitchen and would get a lot of use.  However, LG would nix that Mountain Dew-flavored Slurpee on the far right and replace it with the blue Slurpee.  LG can't remember what flavor 7-11 claims the blue Slurpee is, but it tastes good nonetheless. And is probably high in blue vitamin content.   

A red Lamborghini.  Any model would do, LG isn't picky about his Lamborghinis.   The one in this photo is perfect. 

The woman's leg lamp from the classic movie "A Christmas Story."  Not a replica, but the real thing, the one actually used in the movie.  Here's what it looks like for those who've been living under a rock:

Some really cool spy equipment, like what's pictured below.  What exactly is that stuff?  You don't need to know.  And don' be ridiculing LG for choosing this gift, he'll be listening to your every word... 

An on-stage pass for every stop on a Springsteen world tour.  He'd take Patty Scialfa's place on the tambourine.  Let's face it, playing the tambourine takes zero talent.  It's the instrument that they give every kid to play in his first music class in school.  LG could rock the tambourine in his sleep.  Patty could use a rest anyway.  

A really good, professional-quality magic set.  Not like the bogus set pictured below.  You can't find photos of really good magic sets on-line, they're too magical to be photographed.

We'll wrap it up here with a quick rundown of some of the remaining items: A slingshot, night vision goggles, an air-soft BB gun, a 3-D TV built into eyeglasses, a motorcycle that never crashes, a decoder ring, X-Ray glasses (real, not the kind in the back of comic books) and more followers for The LG Report.

Oh, and the most important gift of all for LG: 100 years of marriage to his bride.  Yes, she's that awesome.

There you have it, LG's fantasy gift registration.  What's your take, is it necessary to register or not?  And, while you're at it, feel free to throw one or more of your fantasy gifts into the comment.

Thanks for stopping by!

Programming Note: We are expecting upcoming interviews from the witty, wise and wonderful authors of Mental Poo (Rodney) and Wild Life in the Woods (Susan in the Boonies.)  They promise to be quite entertaining, so be sure to check back often...


  1. Congrats! My brother is getting married soon too, and guess what, they're not registering. According to them it "takes too much time." Valid point.

    Also, I wanted to give my bro that lamp for Christmas. Well, I couldn't find the real lamp, but I did find lots of replicas on Ebay.

  2. As always, a great read, Lazarus!

    And CONGRATULATIONS to you both on your forthcoming wedding!!!

  3. You could always have a comment on the invitation, or an insert card that says, "No gifts, please; if you wish, you may make a donation to your favorite charity in our name."

    Congratulations to you two! She must be special if she puts up with your sense of humor! LOL

  4. Congrats! I hope you get everything on your list. And then some.

  5. I've been married twice. I kept forgetting the fact. It took it a while to register. Yeah, I know. Sorry LG, but that's all I got.

  6. You going to get to go back to sil's bar after the Shmringsmeen concert? Or will she put her foot down? Congrats on the nuptials. and the wedding too. You forgot the crossbow. Wm

  7. I'm pretty sure the actual leg lamp is broken...

    and for the record - I have never ONCE looked at a couple's registry... stifles my creativity... besides, everyone needs a George Foreman grill right?

  8. A motorcycle that never crashes. Now that's a gift that any person would love.

    Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

  9. After reading my blog you are still getting married? Haven't you realised we women are all wiley and cunning creatures who will write rude things about you on our blogs instead of cooking you your favourite meal after you've had a hard day at the office and we've had an equally hard day chatting to our friends and getting our hair done. Okay I fact I'm only really talking about me aren't I? Lucky lady finding a man who has a great sense of humour! Many sincere congratulations to you both and should your fiancee need any tips on how to run rings around you - you know where to find me :)
    As for your gift list (registry) well we didn't bother with one and I got several dozen toasters, upteen vases and enough glasses to last decades.

  10. Well, I am totally screwed on this one. I always go into Target and buy the cheapest thing on their registry list.

    My parents OWN that exact lamp. That is one, I know for a fact that you can actually get.

    Hey I have a post up right now that I think you'd really appreciate.

  11. I'm hopping around and ran across your charming blog. I would skip the jersey and magic kit as, if my own wedding was any indication, someone will cheap out and get you K-Mart knock-offs. However, the slurpee machine, chopper, car, leg lamp, and spy stuff is spot on. If I had had the wisdom of LG at age 19 (judge not!) I too would have asked for such glorious gifts.
    Let's put it this way; if you don't register or tell folks what to do / buy, your going to get many INDIVIDUAL sets of towels, millions of beer mugs, and more waffle irons than you thought China could produce in a year.
    Tell the masses. Be creative. Make them hunt for these fantastic gifts!

  12. Congratulations!! How about His & Hers jetpacks? Instead of driving off in the limo as everyone throws rice at you - LAUNCH into the air. Just make sure no one looks up your bride's dress.

  13. I think Eva has a good idea!

    I agree with you about not registering....However, this is a decision that has to be agreed upon by the both of you...consider it your first test!

    Here's a thought... I could quickly start a charity for aging bloggers right here in Missouri (that is, if you need a place to send those donations). kt


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