Monday, March 28, 2011

LG's Beefs With Facebook


The only time Chuck Norris made a mistake was when he thought he could be wrong.

You're probably on Facebook. Over 500 million people are. There's some bad news in there, however, for the corporate honchos at Facebook, Inc.  The LG Report only has 127 followers as of today, which means that we have a significantly greater opportunity for growth than Facebook does. Yeah, that's our status Facebook, Inc., deal with it.

As you may recall, The LG Report was the only major news organization to explain Why McDonald's Will Never Be Successful.
Now we're here to explain our problems with Facebook, which may very well be your problems too.  

But before explaining the shortcomings of Facebook, LG would like to recount some of his more notable recent Facebook postings.  None of these really received their full due, in LG's opinion, so he's being environmentally friendly by recycling to give them a second chance at receiving recognition:

"When people ask me to copy-and-post their status as mine, for whatever reason or cause, I always feel like they're trying to take away my freedom of speech, so I don't do it.  If you agree, please copy and post this as your status."

"AT&T and T-Mobile recently announced that they're merging.  Negotiations had dragged on for weeks and would've been consummated sooner, but their calls kept getting dropped."

"I have a friend who is such a hypocrite that he was forced to join Two-Facedbook."

"Sometimes I post on Facebook when I really have nothing important to say.  Like now."

"Watch out for this restaurant scam: A waiter recently tried to charge me for my range chicken dinner.  I said to him 'Whoa, buddy, the menu said that the range chicken was free.' He took it off the bill. Scam averted by an alert consumer!"

"The U.S. says that it's too expensive to keep firing Tomahawk Missiles into Libya, so our government is just going to send Chuck Norris in with a real Native American tomahawk.  It will be much more effective -- and cheaper."

"I just called Continental Airlines to change a reservation.  Little-known fact: The wait time to speak to a representative is always exactly equal to the in-flight time of the reservation you wish to change." 

"I'm trying to save a bit of money, so I'm purchasing knock-off video games.  I just bought Sitar Hero."

"Here's the mentality of a future Darwin Award Winner: 'A Tsunami warning was just issued.  Let's go down to the beach to get a good look!' " 

  So here are just some of Facebook's problems:

  • "Facebook Friend" - What does it really mean?  Is it an insult, meaning that the person is not your friend in "real life," but only to be kept at arm's length on Facebook?  Or is it a compliment, because you're publicly befriending someone for all the world to see?  Which is it? Can't be both.  In LG's opinion, when you say that someone is your "Facebook Friend," it translates into "I'm friends with this person on Facebook, but I don't associate with them in my non-computer real life."  It's a way of keeping some type of connection with a person, but still maintaining a distance.  If you really like someone, you don't call them your "Facebook Friend."  That's just the way it is.  
  • The "Like" Button - Sure, there's a button that you can hit to "Like" a status, but where are the buttons that say things such as "Boring," "Stupid as Sh*t," "Sucks Ass," "I Hate You," and "Insane Ramblings?" Without those more expressive choices, the "Like" button is doomed to be thrown on the pile of archaic inventions like the Victrola, 8-Track Player and rotary-dial cell phone.  "Like" as the sole choice to rate a status will go away at some point, no doubt.  Please "like" this comment if you agree.  Unfortunately for you, we've disable the "I Hate You" button on the right.    

    This guy keeps asking, rather sheepishly, to be LG's friend.
    • Weirdos, Stalkers and Complete Strangers - All three groups will, at times, try to befriend you.  LG only accepts about 75% of such requests. 
    • Mundane Updates - Everyone is guilty of these time-wasters, which inform us of such compelling developments as: "Let the cat out," "Dusted my dresser," and "Let the cat back in."  Let's see police departments requiring all 9-1-1 calls to be made via Facebook postings, that would spice things up a bit.  


    • Doctored Photos -  If you want to see the best possible photo every taken of a person, check out their Facebook profile.  Of course, LG is guilty of this too, but that doesn't stop him from complaining about it, so just back off...
    Rosie O'Donnell smiles broadly in her Facebook profile photo.

      LG could go on and on about the problems with Facebook, but he has to wrap this up now because he has a lunch scheduled with some of his Facebook friends.  Via videoconference, of course...

      Don't forget folks, the deadline is today at 5 pm Eastern to submit your photos and one-sentence explanation of your entries in The LG Report's Cutest Pet Contest.  A bag of pet-appropriate treats and/or gifts for the winner.  Contestants photos and voting rules to be published soon.


      1. Rosie is looking much better these days. Good stuff LG. I'd offer you a contratulatory poke if we were FB friends.

      2. Haha, your statuses were pretty funny. I especially liked the first one...and the second one...and the fourth one.

      3. Whoa, whoa! Did I just see what I thought I saw? I think so! I'm on your blog roll. How special do I feel? I feel INCREDIBLY special. Thank you!

        By the way, my URL has switched; it's now's probably why my site is showing that I haven't updated in 3 weeks. But I have!

      4. wow, Rosie sure has lost some poundage---do you think she'll share how she did it if I friend her on fb? LOL

        Thanks for the pet contest reminder!

      5. I stole your first status. Yes, I did! Copied and pasted it right in!!!

        Love it!!!

      6. This was again, one of your best posts. You're getting better and better as time goes on; like fine wine...getting better with age! lol

      7. Tee hee... too funny.

        Are all facebook friends real friends? Hell no :)
        Just like real life. Some of them are stalkers, others, spectators who occasional­ly judge, others want to be in on the action. Only a few are real friends, and those are the ones you speak to on the phone, and eventually end up meeting.

        I would like a "Sucks Ass" button.

      8. i love the hide feature on facebook. so i can give anyone i want the ole talk-to-the-hand guesture without them ever knowing. and thanks for the pet contest reminder.

      9. Just wanted you to know that my 100 year old father watched Chuck every night. When it went off TV years ago Dad had a terrible time finding it on the various channels that syndicated it. So I had to buy a CD of every season. Now he cycles through all of them on a daily basis. Good thing he is old and forgets that he has already watched them. And another note on good old Chuck. When I contacted him and shared the above with him she sent my dad an unsolicited autographed picture.

        But I have to say something about FB. I did get several laughs out of our rantings . I, myself, only have 20 friend and all of them re relatives or very close personal friends (great way to share photos). I never post junk just important stuff like....lookie what I bought .... here's the tattoo I just got...kt

      10. Who has time for facebook? I was hooked on it for a while...but now I blog. More fun!


      11. Preaching to the choir here. I did a post last year called "I'm Two-Faced About Facebook." I am, at this moment -- virtually, of course -- hitting the Like button on your idea that there should be other buttons. I'd suggest "Who the F*%k Cares!?" That being said, I'm tempted to "Friend" you because the FB posts you recycled here are downright entertaining!
        (Uh... we are... friends... aren't we?)

      12. I quit FB'ing for the reasons you mentioned. It seemed like the most mundane 'friends' posted 20 mind-numbing statusseses a day, thus lulling me in a Facebook coma whenever I logged on.

        I wish I had a cute pet photo to enter the contest. My cat is such a bitch.

      13. My favorite one was the "post this as your status" one.

        Can I be your FB friend? I am a weirdos, Stalker and a complete stranger.

        Seriously though, I'd love to have FB post offs with you. You can find me at "Abe Yospe".

      14. Thanks for all the comments everyone. LG just updated the URL for you Shanimal Crackers, it should be correct now. LG also "friended" Abe on Facebook. Gotta get working on the Cutest Pet Contest post now....

      15. Very funny! I am on FB, but I refuse to befriend myself.

      16. What would we do without these valuable guidelines?

        Thank goodness I know this now! It's going to make me SO popular!

      17. totally want to steal your "copy and paste" status now... because my statuses (statii?) have been pretty lame this week... chewing gum... dusting bookcases... y'know - all that stuff you mentioned :)

      18. Oh goodness I can hardly get my breath back I have laughed so much.
        Lazarus this is one of your funniest posts ever.
        Darn, Just checked back over the comments and that clever gal Eva has already said that. Bugger it I'm saying it too.
        Thank you for the humungus smile I have on my face now.

      19. Wondering what the difference is between a Facebook friend and a Blog follower? How can you condone one and make fun of the other?


      The LG Report appreciates all comments, thanks for taking the time; Karma will probably award you a winning lotter ticket or something. The "or something" being more likely. But thanks again!