Sunday, April 22, 2012

More LG Tweets... has a new format today, of which LG was not previously warned, so he's not sure how this post is going to look.  But he's forging ahead anyway.  Here are some of LG's better Tweets from the last few days (@LazarusNYC if you're interested in following; it's still free for a limited time only.) 

LG has some exciting news: Abe, aka "Cheeseboy" (author of the most excellent Blog O' Cheese, which is on a hiatus of some sort at the moment, TBD) is going to be the next LG Report interview subject.  

Stay tuned, it's coming at you soon...  In the meantime, enjoy these Tweets (or don't, but if you don't, there's really no need to comment. Thank you!)

If I were president of France, my pickup line would be "Hey ladies, come over here and let's get Sarkozy with each other!"

French presidential exit poll results:1 Sarkozy 2. Jerry Lewis 3. Someone else.

Elliott Spitzer's hologram was caught with a hooker.

The US government says that rather than return to the gold standard, we'll base our economy on a more precious commodity: HP ink cartridges.

I made fun on NBA player World Peace's name and he beat the crap out of me!

If I ever saw Seal on Easter Sunday I'd say "What's up Easter Seal?!" That would bust him. Then I'd donate money to charity to atone.

Weird request: When traveling overseas, Tiger Woods is now requesting Secret Service protection.

Sarah Palin's favorite countries in order: Africa, Paris and Big Sky.

In order to make amends, disgraced former politician Elliot Spitzer has enlisted in the Secret Service.

BREAKING: Secret Service fires director and cleans house; appoints Heidi Fleiss to lead organization.

I just saw Rosie O'Donnell's hologram eat three cheesesteaks.

We had a loud party and the police showed up at our house. That Sting is a really cool guy.

The greatest gynecologial novel of all time has to be Gustave Flaubert's "Madame Ovary."

Whenever I have an internet connectivity problem I call Al Gore directly.

If Godzilla ever invades Chicago, I'll bet Wrigley Field gets stuck to the bottom of his shoe.

Kid Rock is lucky that his parents didn't name him "Kid Big Band."

In Arkansas it's not clear if you're referring to electronics when you brag that you have Bluetooth.

Friendly's is expanding into France where it will be called Go Screw Yourselves.

I'm done procrastinating; heading down to Circuit City today to get my BetaMax fixed.

PUN ALERT: U.S. not allowed to keep track of how many terrorists it kills because there's an international tally ban.

I honestly thought it was a very speedy cocaine delivery service #Instagram

UH OH: University of Arkansas hires Hugh Hefner as new football coach.
If my name was Stewart Nodd I wouldn't allow people to refer to me as "Stew."

Call me old fashioned, but when I was single I wouldn't give a woman my Telex address until the third date.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

OK folks, we're finally back with a brand-spanking-new post.  We're going to re-interview the State of Utah.  Not because Abe (aka "Cheeseboy") did a bad job the first time around -- he didn't (you can check out his most excellent interview by clicking HERE) (and, also, we'll be re-interviewing him soon too, so stay tuned...) but because we recently discovered the hidden gem known as mCat and we decided to shine the spotlight on her for a bit. 

We don't have any shareholders or other bosses here, so back off, we can do what we want!

mCat writes the excellent blog called "That's What She Said" (click HERE to be magically transported to it).   

So, now, please just sit back and enjoy mCat's sparkling wit...

The LG Report:  We don't believe you're originally from Utah.  In fact, we're not even sure you're from Earth originally.  Care to give us a thumbnail sketch of your background?

mCat:  Rumor has it, that I just showed up one day in a basket on my parent’s doorstep in the trailer park.  There was a note with it, but illegible.  They are, to this day, still trying decipher exactly what language it is.  They originally were going with something French.  Then Spanish.  Then a mix of the two with some Scottish and Irish thrown in.  I guess the bottom line is, I appear to be a stray mutt.

The LG Report:  You work at the legendary Wasatch Running Center.  What's your favorite part of the job (personally, we'd like to smell people's feet but we'll edit this part out before the blog gets posted...)

mCat:   My favorite part is when I get to go to the back room and drink my diet coke.  See, I really have no desire to actually DO any work.  I like to just hang around, talk a lot about running, and stare at shoes.  Although, when someone comes in that is just taking up running, needs shoes, and I get them fitted into a pair that is perfect and they love them….well, that’s pretty friggin awesome.  That, and my employee discount.
mCat?  No...of course not!

The LG Report: You're a renown cook.  We won't say in what sense you're "renown."  What's your favorite dish to cook and why?  And what would the title be of your Food Network TV show?

mCat:   Wow.  Renown?  Such a mild adjective, more like legendary wouldn’t you say?  Really, no one busts out cookies, or pizza like the mCat does.  Literally.  No one.  My favorite dish is most likely a buffet of some kind so that I can graze at my leisure, however, they frown on me bringing in my camera for the cooking segment and showing everyone exactly how to make it happen.  Such as the correct way to load your plate, order in which food is consumed, you know – the important stuff. 
The title?  Gosh, I have no idea.  “How a good Mormon Mother doesn’t cook, thus endangering her status us a ‘hard core’?”

The LG Report:  Whose the biggest jerk ever to live in Utah?

mCat:   Hmm…….we’ve had our share.  Okay, more than our share.  I mean Karl Malone is no prince charming.  Rulon Jeffs confuses everyone about my faith and polygamy (which are TOTALLY different).  And the guy who flipped me off BECAUSE I ACTUALLY USED MY TURN SIGNAL?  Don’t even start me on that one.   In Utah, if you use your turn signal, then that is an alert for the driver next to you to speed up and block you from moving in front of them in the lane.  Heaven forbid some one be ahead of us cause it’s all like a race or something.

The LG Report:  Are you one of many wives (you can tell us, we won't rat you out to the feds)?

mCat:  Dude – see above.  Another misnomer of Utah and the Mormons.  We don’t do the polygamy thing.  Do you REALLY think Splenda could handle another one of me?  Yeah, didn’t think so.  And while we’re at it, let the record reflect that I.Do.Not.Have.Horns.  Apparently in some backwoods areas of the USA, that dirty, rotten rumor still exits.  Sure, we had the 80’s and the big, bad bangs like everyone else, but NO horns.  I can provide pictorial proof if necessary.
This is NOT mCat's wedding cake topper!
The LG Report:  Have you ever committed a crime?  If not, what's the closest you've come?

mCat:   I could tell you, but then I would have to kill you.  And none of us want that.  I like reading the LG report as do your highly educated and discerning readers, so let’s just say I may or may NOT, have had a turn in the back seat of a police car.  Allegedly.  And we’re gonna leave it at that.

The LG Report:  If you couldn't live in Utah, where would you live and why?

mCat:  Where you are duh!  We would have so much fun!  Me and Splenda, you and Mrs LG – partying like it’s 1999 – something like that.  Actually, I  love Cancun and declared it my Eden of all Edens, but what with the cartel, the beatings, kidnapping and killing of us Americans, I think I’ll rule that one out.  Looks like you, Mr LG, are stuck with us.   I’m going to need you right next door.  Your phone number on my speed dial.  The spare key to your home so we make sure the mail gets taken in while you vacay, and finally – matching welcome mats on the front porches.

LG's house. mCat and Splenda can have a wing.

 The LG Report:  We know that Tiburon is one of your besties.  Can you reveal something here about her that she'd consider to be embarrassing?  Something that will really make her glad that we're not using her last name? 
mCat's friend Tiburon out for a swim
 mCat:  You have a death wish on me? REALLY?   Okay, I’ll share a secret.  Lean in real close.   Closer…..*looking side to side*…..get this….the Shark actually has a heart.  I know, I know, she pretends she doesn’t, what with her snarky sarcasm, but really she’s all love on her insides.  She doesn’t want anyone to know, so let’s keep it between you and me.

The LG Report:  We know that you write a wonderful blog of your own (unfortunately, it's not super-wonderful like The LG Report, but, hey, we know you're trying...)  Can you give us a link to one or two of your favorite postings that you'd recommend to readers of The LG Report who may not have had the pleasure of sampling your writings yet?

mCat: You want funny?  Spiritual?  Drivel that spews from my pie hole?  I’m no real writer, I just do this to journal and have fun so here are a few of my favorites in no particular order and for a variety of reasons.   And clearly I have a hard time choosing since I provided three.  I’m such an ego-ist.  (New word – courtesy of me, you’re welcome)

The LG Report:  Do you ever pass wind?  We know that most women deny doing so but you strike us as someone who may tell the truth.  Here's your chance to impress all the men in the audience and gross and betray the women.  Answer please?

mCat:  Every. Woman. Farts.  It’s reality folks.  Some do it on the sly so that it appears that they don’t, but let’s face it, deep down, every woman has just a tich of “gross man” syndrome in them.  And sadly, it manifests with the toot, fart, breaking wind, letting one rip, fluffing.  Call it what you want but a rose by any other name……  you get it.  And I know, since I have been crop-dusted a time or two (or three) while in the cosmetics section.

The LG Report:  Other than The LG Report (which is too obvious), please give a shout out to a couple of your favorite blogs that you think people might enjoy. 

mCat:   Nah.  If I do, then people will stop reading me. And you and I BOTH know it’s all about ME.  But here are a couple that shouldn’t detract from my own unique verbal vomit.

Both of these writers I have met IN REAL LIFE.  And both are fantastic.  Pedaling is a great photographer and I like her politics.  Back Order is just plain funny.  Oh yeah, and this one too, it's great:

 The LG Report: Do you think that you'll ever move back to civilization?

mCat: Whoa whoa whoa,  who says Utah isn’t civilization?  I realize we have some strange liquor laws (so I’ve heard), an abundance of children to adult ratio, and are about 5 years behind every fashion trend, but listen pal, we are as civilized as the next state.  I dare say, once the Mormon pioneers hit the valley and began making a bloomin city out of ridiculous desert, we stepped right into civilization.  Of course a pro baseball or pro football team wouldn’t hurt, but with so many games on the Sabbath, I don’t know that that could be financially viable.  But I do think the Utah Jazz is good enough to qualify us for civilization dontcha think?

The LG Report:  What activity or sight would you recommend to a first-time visitor to the Beehive State?

mCat:   First – me.  One must visit me.  Cause it’s all about me.  Next, if you are a skier – then hit the slopes.  I personally hate skiing, but have been told, or at least our license plates professed once, that we have the greatest snow on earth.  But if it’s summer and no snow, than any of the fabulous canyons, mountains or other outdoor rec site is awesome.  Too many to name.  If none of that sounds appealing, then simply hit up Temple Square and be prepared to be wowed if I haven’t wowed you enough.

The LG Report:  Finally, in closing, what question would you have asked you if you were LG and what's your answer to that.  We'll pause while you decipher that question....

mCat: If I were you, and I asked me a question……hmm…..

Q. To anyone that spends any time on your blog, we notice that over the past several years your hair style, color, and length change frequently.  Why?  Why must you constantly change your hair?

A.  My response would be:  Dude.  I have serious ADD *shiny squirrel* and I get bored easily.  I gotta mix things up ya know.  And, until Splenda Daddy starts buying me body parts (tuck, nose job, lift) then my hair is all I have!


Thanks so much to mCat for appearing in the hot seat today, as always, it was our great pleasure.  Please stop by That's What She Said  when you get a chance, you'll be happy that you did! 

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

And Still More from the Twitterverse...

I really am going to write a new post soon (I keep saying that, I know...) but in the meantime, here are some more of my Tweets (@LazarusNYC)

Rembrandt, for all his success, died homeless and baroque.

Something smells bad in here. I think I stepped in a pile of Geraldo Rivera.

We should elect Newt Gingrich b/c he'll relate best to the Chinese - he has more Chins than they do.

Secretariat, Man O' War and Sarah Jessica Parker.

I bought 2,500 Megamillions tickets for my office pool but the one I bought separately for myself won!

Newt was wearing a hoodie in Florida recently but luckily for him it was caught between his 4th and 5th chins and not visible to vigilantes.

My preacher neighbor told me that prayer works but I need proof so I told him I'm praying that he will cut my grass all summer for me.

Rick Santorum's grandparents came over from Italy. They found Mussolini to be too liberal.

I don't have anything against Mitt Romney, in fact he holds the mortgage on every home in my town. County. State.

If Sarah Palin was fat and ugly nobody would pay attention to her.  Oh, no, wait, she'd be Rosie O'Donnell!

What BS, I'm flying over the Bermuda Tri
BREAKING: Sarah Palin first to report Russian plane crash; saw it from her front porch.

I'm opening a store that sells a wide variety of decorative walls. Want to call it "Wallmart." Should be no problem with that name.
Police are looking for a guy who is hacking into social media sites. They've identified a person of Pinterest.

At Home Depot I like to sit on all the toilets and when they ask what I'm doing I say I'm playing the Game of Thrones.

I'm only slightly short of a million followers short of a million followers.

I'm so psyched! My number was just called in the lottery to get a place in line to buy a lottery ticket!

My friend says I'm way too skeptical but I don't believe him.

I put $50 into a lottery pool at work. I'm now part of a group with 50 tickets (I'm self-employed)

I can't really get a Handel on classical music.

OK, that's it for today folks, hope to see you back here again soon.  Thanks for stopping by.