Saturday, August 27, 2011

Chew On This

Mrs. LG, as we'll call her, since use of her real name may result in LG's loss of the use of his right arm, was not so happy with LG's recent comparison of her with Lucille Ball. 

Mrs. LG meets LG for the first time.
LG considers that comparison to be a compliment.  After all, Lucy was an international film and TV star; who wouldn't enjoy such a comparison? 

Well, Mrs. LG didn't, apparently. 

LG asks those who agree with him to weigh in with a comment.  Those who disagree should just sit on their hands.

Here's another way that LG feels that Mrs. LG resembles Lucy:  Shortly after Mrs. LG gave birth to her first child 19 years ago, she gave up chewing gum.  She said it was too strenuous given all of her mothering responsibilities.  It wasn't until recently, after her youngest child turned 14, that she resumed chewing gum.

So, according to Mrs. LG's way of thinking, we're to believe that chewing gum is a physically exhausting endeavor. 

Really? Seriously? 

Mrs. LG says that other mothers out there will understand, and relate to, her position. 

LG doesn't buy it.

But, just to indulge Mrs. LG for a moment, let's have a glimpse into her world of gum chewing:


John: "Kathy, would you like to join the new gym that just opened up down the street with me? I hear that they have state-of-the-art equipment!" 

Kathy: "No thanks John, I just bought a ten-pack of Juicy Fruit at Costco.  I'm going to work out with that for a few months." 


Warming up for the big gum chew.



ESPN Announcer: "It's hard to believe that Lance Armstrong is back for a try at his 8th Tour De France victory at his age.  But he says that he's been chewing Double Bubble regularly and is in the best shape of his life." 


You get the point by now.  Chewing gum as exercise.  Not really believable in LG's world.  

LG suspects that once Mrs. LG sees this post, his head may have an unexpected meeting with the business end of a rolling pin.  Luckily he's been chewing a lot of gum lately and his head is in pretty good shape...



Sunday, August 21, 2011

Our Grossest Video Ever!

LG can be immature, silly, gross and disgusting at times, like most adult males (and young, non-adult males, but let's be honest: Is there really a difference between the two classifications?) 

But before we get there, LG would like to tell a quick story about his bride (this is for those not inclined to watch the video linked below after reading all of the disclaimers.) 

LG's bride is the absolute best ever.  She's awesome.  Great in every way, including the entertainment category.  It's sort of like living with the lead character in "I Love Lucy."  And LG is not just saying this so that she won't slam him in the head with a frying pan for telling this story.

Last year, before LG married her, he was on the phone with his Bride while she was vacuuming.  In mid-sentence she said "Oh shoot, the vacuum cleaner just died on me.  This sucks because I just got it back from the repair shop and it's broken again.  I'm so annoyed...." 

A couple of days later, here's how the conversation went:

LG:  So what happened with the vacuum cleaner, will it be expensive to fix? 

LG's Bride: Ah, no, it just came unplugged from the wall. 

True story.

If you have a weak stomach or become easily disgusted/grossed out, you may want to stop reading here.  We'll see you next time.  Thanks for stopping by.  Please pull the door behind you on the way out. The cashier will validate your parking.

OK, now for the rest of you cool folks... The LG Report's ongoing series of Stupid Things People Will Do For $5 continues today with Henry, who's making an encore appearance.  Some of you may remember Henry from his first appearance on The LG Report with THIS VIDEO.

Well he's back again, this time in an all-new, grossest of the gross video clip.  WARNING: Do not click on this link if you have a queasy stomach, are nursing, operating heavy equipment or don't like toilet humor.  The other 99% of our readers can continue by Clicking Here!

Thanks, as always, for stopping by folks!

PS We apologize to all whom we may have offended.  And please be assured that no real human feces were harmed in the making of that video. 

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Facebook Posts Strike Again!

LG continues to post infrequently during the summer, as you may have noticed.  He also hasn't been able to read others' blogs as frequently as he'd like, although he's trying.  We do have an interview coming up soon, however, with Bouncin' Barb of This & That (click there to be transported).  It promises to be a doozie, especially since she's consulting with her good friend Sandra of Absolutely Narcissism.  
And at some point in the not-too-distant future, we'll have an interview with Carol of Facing Fifty with Humour, focusing on her hot new book Mini Skirts and Laughter Lines.    But until all of this happens, we'll just hit you with some of LG's recent Facebook postings, which he enjoys (even if nobody else does.)  
[Note: LG is not an avid Facebooker, although he does dabble in the medium.  If you'd like to be friends with LG on Facebook so that you can read these cutting-edge postings when they first come out, e-mail him by clicking HERE and include your Facebook name.  He'll friend you because he's not very discerning...]
Here now, are some of LG's recent posts:        
Anthropologists in Brazil just discovered an ancient tribe of 300 people deep in the rain forest. These people had no previous contact with civilization. They had no running water, no electricity and only 2 Starbucks.
These Starbucks have bigger straws than we're used to.
Those hoarder shows fascinate me. I just bought a DVD set of a season of "Hoarders." Actually, I bought 655 DVD box sets, every room of my house is full of them, stacked to the ceiling right along with all those books, clothes and newspapers. Those nutty hoarder people really have mental issues. Glad I'm not like them.
New tourism motto: "Aruba: Where your troubles (and your traveling companions) disappear."
Being an interesting person = Good. Being a "Person of Interest" = Not So Good.
The US Postal service trying to layoff 120,000 workers. But they're going to mail out the layoff notices, so they only expect 90,000 people to receive them.
The U.S. Postal Service is a bit behind the times; this stamp was part of the "New Cars" Series last year.
Pennsylvania, like most states, is really getting desperate for tourist dollars. They just changed the state motto from "You've got a friend in Pennsylvania" to "You've got a friend with benefits in Pennsylvania."
U.S. troop pull-out in Afghanistan is expected to proceed according to plan. In unrelated news, U.S. Air Force drone planes mistakenly bombed Standard & Poor's headquarters.
The Dow Jones Industrial Average and the average American family's combined IQ had something in common on this day of "The Jersey Shore's" premiere episode in Italy: Both plunged more than 500 points.
I see a ratings agency affirmed America's AAA rating but with negative implications. One day they love you, the next they hate you. Man, those ratings people are Moody.
Our Congress is ridiculous. That bunch of procrastinators puts everything off until the last minute. Who do they think they are, me? PS I meant to post this last week but got sidetracked.
Copying what's successful in TV has always been in vogue but is going too far. "Mad Men" has been such a hit for AMC that they're now rolling out "Slightly Perturbed Men."
A family of sporks.
The manager of my local KFC was held up last night. As he left the store with a bag of cash, a robber held out a gun and said "I know you have a lot of money in there, spork it over!"
Me, answering the door.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning. Can you believe how rude that was? Luckily, I was still up playing my drums. 
PS We here at The LG Report (all one of us), would like to wish a happy first anniversary of blogging to The Simple Dude, author of an excellent blog which you can access by clicking HERE.  It's also listed in the right hand column over there...We wish you many more happy years of blogging!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

This Ain't Right...

... And LG knows it ain't right.  But that doesn't mean he ain't gonna post it on The LG Report nonetheless.

LG and the family were on a mini-vacation earlier this week.  As anyone would normally do on a family vacation, LG wandered into a store that sold magic tricks and gag items while the girls were in a clothing store.

LG found this really neat fake human turd (an "FHT" in collectors' lingo), one of the key items missing from his gag gift collection.  Sure, plastic and rubber dog turds are easy to come by, but a good FHT is a collector's item of considerable value.

Here's a picture of a FHT, although not the actual model that LG bought.  This is just for your academic interest as a potential collector of fake human turds (hey, a person has to get turned on to a new hobby somehow, this could be your epiphany!):

So LG buys this FHT and surreptitiously smuggles it back into the hotel room at the bottom of a bag of innocuous souvenir t-shirts.

LG was prepared with this camouflage maneuver in case Mrs. LG conducted a TSA-like search of the shopping bags.  She never does this, but LG wanted to be ready nonetheless.  FHT smugglers can never be too prepared.  It's one of our admirable traits.  

Like any connoisseur of a good practical joke, LG did not rush into things.  He waited until the next day to deploy the FHT.

An old saying tells us that "Revenge is a dish best served cold."  FHT, like revenge, is best served cold. That's especially true because if you serve FHT hot, there's a chance that it may actually be RHT (with the "R," obviously, standing for "Real."  We know: Eeeew!)

For the benefit of the loyal readers of The LG Report (and we apologize again for the infrequent postings as of late, but things have been busy around here...), LG went to the trouble of videotaping his lovely bride's encounter with the FHT.

Here now, for your viewing pleasure, is the link to the world-premiere of that clip.

Please keep in mind that the brown substance that you are about to see floating in the toilet is indeed a piece of FHT, but if you should have a squeamish disposition, you may choose to forego clicking on this link, thereby passing on your chance to watch the most excellent Sure-To-Be-Nominated-For-An-Oscar short video which awaits you on the other end.

If you do watch, we hope you enjoy it.  We look forward to seeing you back here again soon.  We promise not to be as gross next time (it would be hard to top this one...although if anyone can do it, we think it would be us!)

PS LG received his lovely bride's permission to post this video but once she actually sees it up here she may demand its removal so don't delay if you're thinking of watching it...


Wednesday, August 3, 2011

People Of Walmart Part 3

LG hasn't had much time to post lately, as you may have noticed, due to a number of issues too boring to recount here.  However, he feels it's time to get a new post up, so he's going with an old favorite, People of Walmart.  

We have some interesting interviews coming up (interviewees: please be patient with LG, he'll get the questions out to you eventually...) and some other inane features, but for now, let's just sit back in the warmth of the summer and enjoy some photos of our fellow man (and other creatures) as they shop at Walmart.  

Thanks to the good people at the website People of Walmart for these candid shots: 

We start out with this ridiculous photo.  Who would wear a "PSC4 - CREW" t-shirt with those shorts?  Gotta admire the team spirit of that Minnesota Vikings fan on the right however.  We bet he can't wait for Brett Favre to un-retire again!

This topless woman suffers from a rare condition wherein her head is permanently turned at a 180-degree angle from its normal position.  Oh, wait, is that the case or does she just have massive back boobs?  We're not sure.  In any event, The Missing Link must've heard that she was in the store because he's pictured on the right, heading in to see her.

Obviously, she's just checking to see where her work product is ending up. It's amazing as to how perfectly those shoes fit over her hooves.  She'd better get out of there before some mischievous Walmart shopper tips her over. 
Is that woman really wearing that garish fluorescent green shirt with dark jeans?  She has to be kidding us.  Her dog is cute though.  Looks like one of those new breeds, a Cock-a-people.

It's difficult to choose the grossest aspect of this photo.  Although this woman is doing a good job of picking for us.

That butt crack is so deep it looks like this man was sawed in half vertically by David Blaine. We wonder if he's trying to shoplift stuff in there.  Who wants to volunteer to check?  By the way, what sicko blocks out the cashier's face but leaves the butt crack exposed?

At least some people have the decency and sophistication to wear black-tie attire to Walmart.  And everything appears to be a perfect fit.  

Well, that's it folk for this edition of The People of Walmart.  There were actually some photos on the website that were too gross even for The LG Report, but you can check them out for yourself over at The People of Walmart.

We hope to see you back here again soon.