Sunday, October 21, 2012

Why LG is Leaving Facebook

Editor's Note: When LG wrote this post, he was sincerely intent on leaving Facebook, but has since been talked off the ledge.  He is now going to limit his FB activity to once a week or so.  But in the meantime, he saw no reason to allow a perfectly good blog post to go to waste, so it appears below.  Please enjoy responsibly. 

LG knows, this sounds dramatic.  HE'S CLOSING HIS FACEBOOK ACCOUNT!

But it only sounds dramatic because... IT IS DRAMATIC!

LG is leaving Facebook for a number of reasons.  He's not sure if he's permanently signing off or just taking a hiatus, that's TBD.  Reportedly, it takes at least ten minutes and the execution of a very complicated series of maneuvers (involving eye of newt, bat wings and a dead rabbit) in order to actually close down your account, as opposed to merely suspending it. 

If if you simply "suspend" your account, Facebook makes it very simple to reactivate it.  Just trying to log in will automatically reinstate your account and thrust you back into Facebook's sticky web of privacy invasion and annoyance.  And even when you close your account, as we all know, your posts and other information stay in Facebook's archives forever - or at least until the impending Mayan Apocalypse.

So why exactly is LG leaving Facebook? 

Good question, he knew you'd ask.  Here, in no particular order of importance, are LG's reasons:

The privacy invasions are out of hand.  Facebook takes every opportunity to share all of your information with not only advertisers but also other members.  Their thinking, LG believes, is that the more "friends" you have on Facebook, the less likely you'll be to leave.  Thus, they randomly post your comments from other people's pages on your page so that people can see what your friends (who are not their FB friends) are up to, thereby possibly motivating them to extend a friendship request.  When LG tells Friend A (who is not connected to Friend B) that Friend A is not as big a jerk as Friend B, he doesn't want that posted on his Facebook page for Friend B to see (in all fairness though, LG also needs more friends who don't just go by first letters.) 

Another example: The other day LG caught Facebook going through his attic looking for girlie magazines from the 1970s (there are none up there, of course, but LG is quitting FB before it gets to the basement...)

It's a gigantic time suck.  It not only distracts us from more important pursuits (like Angry Birds and, but it also takes time just to explain why you're leaving it.  LG finds himself wasting far too many minutes checking FB and providing witty commentary (some might say "snarky" but he'll ignore those haters) on the posts of far too many people.  Of course, now LG likes some people on Facebook who he's never met in real life better than people who he has met in real life.  Oh well, that's the way it goes..  

Honey Boo Boo beckons.  Facebook eats up valuable time that LG could be using to watch Honey Boo Boo and her exceedingly talented clan.  LG realizes that Honey Boo Boo is still very young and he doesn't want to jinx her, but if the girl plays her cards right...she may grow up to be as talented and intelligent as Snookie!

Snookie is reportedly living in the beautiful house behind Honey Boo Boo in this photo. 

The election season is gearing up.  LG generally (with a few notable exceptions) uses Facebook for his own amusement, not to try to sway others to support a particular candidate or cause.  The multitude of political rants are getting annoying and they'll only grow more frequent and strident as election day nears.  LG realizes that everything that everyone posts on Facebook is true, but he already know these interesting facts so there's no reason to remind him that President Obama was born on Venus and the U.S. Government actually pays taxes to Mitt Romney. 

LG is fed up with being mistaken for George Clooney.  When women see LG's photo on Facebook, they immediately try to friend him, assuming that he's really George Clooney operating under a pseudonym.  LG knows that it sounds ridiculous, but it's true.  To set the record straight, here's what George Clooney looks like:

And here's a recent photo of LG: 

As you can see, there's a significant difference, so why the confusion?

They don't allow you to eat KFC on Facebook.  That one is self-explanatory.  Facebook says it's too greasy and messes up the "Like" buttons.

Cat photos ad nasuseum.  And not even actual cat photos of Facebook member's pets; we're talking stock photos of cats typing on computers, talking on phones and using the toilet.  Facebook Feline Fanatics: When your effin' cat can actually drive a car, then LG would like to see the photo.  Until then, stick it!

Getting off Facebook seems so much more Gangnam Style than staying on it.  Self-explanatory.

LG needs to spend time helping Big Bird polish up his resume.  Again, self-explanatory.

The Tanorexic Mom.  It turns out that she actually got her deep bronze tan from spending too many hours in front of the computer screen posting Facebook updates.  She's actually an albino underneath all of that Facebook glow.  

Fear not friends, The LG Report will continue to publish, weekly or so (The LGR has been on a particularly long hiatus, LG knows...) and if you don't have LG's email address and need to get in touch, you can do it through the blog. 

Keep it real out there folks.  Maybe LG will see you soon in real life.  But not on Facebook. 

[Another Editor's Note: The last sentence above struck LG as fittingly dramatic for his Facebook exit blog post but, alas, it doesn't ring true now that he's sticking around FB.  If you're one of LG's FB friends, you can assume he's staying on because of you and you alone.  Thank you.]