Tuesday, March 27, 2012

From the Twitterverse...

 Here's a recap of some of LG's recent Tweets [which can be found @LazarusNYC on Twitter for those of you who indulge.]


BREAKING: Superhero #GreenLantern has been defeated by a Coleman stove in battle of camping accessories.
Puuuulease! Oh no, a scary ring!

BREAKING: James Cameron admits journey to bottom of ocean was in search of Ron Paul's polling numbers.

 Least intimidating superhero? The Green Lantern. "Ooh it's a lantern, watch out he may spill kerosene on you!

I don't want to nit pick, but shouldn't Spiderman have eight legs?

I'm sure I could beat Superman in Scrabble but we'd have to play with lead-lined tiles or that bastard would cheat.
You can just see him trying to read his opponents tiles.

 Remember ladies, you can't spell "Pilates" without "Pie."

"Hunger Games" are what's experienced by people behind Rosie O'Donnell in the buffet line!

No shoes, no shirt, come right in ladies!

Anyone reading Tweets at this hour on a Saturday night is a loser. Anyone writing them, of course, is not.

Italian authorities have hired an expert in raising huge objects to right Costa Concordia: Rosie O'Donnell's personal trainer.

 Documentary on Joan River's comedy tour to be titled "Antiques Roadshow."
I wonder if Joan is in there?

I was shocked that the show "American Pickers" doesn't involve noses or fingers.

Brilliant Idea of the Day: Tell the world that #KONY has 10 of the new iPads, people will track him down quickly.

In China, college basketball has "The Long March Madness" and the "Sweet and Sour Sixteen."

I went to a BBQ at #LadyGaga's house and she threw her meat dress on the grill. She was wearing swordfish underwear. TMI?
NOT PETA approved....

"HUNGER GAMES:" I don't known much about it, but I'm guessing it stars Demi Moore and Calista Flockhart.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Minnesota Redux: Our Visit with Pearl!

The LG Report is taking somewhat of a hiatus from new posts for a bit, so we're re-posting some of our favorites.  Here's an interview that we particularly enjoyed with Pearl, we hope you will too.



Today, The LG Report throws on the old down jacket and dog sleds it to Minnesota, where we'll be interviewing Pearl, a very successful Minneapolis blogger who's going to provide some unique insights into "The Land of 10,000 Lakes."

Pearl's very funny blog, "Pearl, Why You Little..."  can be accessed by clicking HERE.   That's Pearl on the left.  You expected her to be wearing a string of pearls, didn't you?  That's because you have a juvenile streak, which draws you to The LG Report's sophomoric humor.  Good, we need readers like you, please stick around.  Readers expecting Public Broadcasting-style sophisticated humor can gather out at the lobby wine bar to make snide remarks over brie.  But please return.  When it comes down to it, The LG Report doesn't turn anyone away (we may turn your stomach, but we won't turn you away.)             

The photo above of the Minnesota welcome sign was taken on July 4th.  Minnesota generally looks like this the other 364 days of the year:

OK, the house lights are flashing, on to the interview.

The LG Report:  Pearl, would you ever consider marrying Neil Diamond or would the name thing be too much of an issue?  
She coulda been Mrs. Pearl Diamond.

Pearl:  Neil and I are no longer on speaking terms.   When he apologizes for defaulting on that car loan I co-signed on, we'll talk. 

The LG Report:  Would your sisters Ruby and Turquoise feel the same way?

Pearl:  Ruby and Turquoise are currently being held pending trial on incitement charges -- the last name "Diamond" would be an improvement over the name to which they currently respond: Fresh Meat.

The LG Report:  Your very funny blog is called "Pearl, Why You Little..."  Could you please finish that sentence for us?

Pearl: ....that started out as free, daily silliness and has turned into a six-figure-a-year enterprise.  While I no longer use Suave shampoo, it is true that I make Wienie Water Soup at least once a month "for the good times." 

The LG Report: If The LG Report were more on the ball, we would've had your interview ready for posting on Pearl Harbor Day.  December 7th must be an interesting day for you.  Is there something you're harboring?  Is that the one day each year when you tell people what you really think of them -- Pearl Harboring Day?

Pearl:  Oh, see I totally misunderstood the day!  For years now I've insisted my friends let me sleep on their couch on Pearl Harboring Day!

The LG Report:  You must live near the Twin Cities, everyone with a computer in Minnesota does.  The Twin Cities always dress alike and we can't tell them apart.  Please inform us of the difference. 

Gov. Jesse in his wrestling days.
Pearl:  You're right about me living in the Twin Cities.  I live in Minneapolis proper (which is a far cry from Minneapolis improper, believe you me).  The difference between Minneapolis and Saint Paul?  Minneapolis is the more cosmopolitan of the two, with an active nightlife.  Saint Paul, on the other hand, is full of long-haired men in tight pants and streets laid out in a confusing, spoked-wheel manner, using the capital as its center.  Our former governor, Jesse Ventura, described them as having been designed by a drunken Irishman, a comment for which he took much heat.  Confused, I asked all the drunken Irish men I know and they all agreed: those streets are really baffling.

The LG Report: What's your favorite winter seasonal activity in Minnesota?  Please remember that this is a G-rated blog (or Glog; we just made up that word but feel free to use it), not a Rlog or Xlog, so please keep it clean.  Not that we think you wouldn't, but you do seem to have a bit of a Xlogger's risque tendencies in you...

Pearl: I'm glad you caught that.  I have a disturbingly dirty mind, one I take out regularly and exercise.  As for seasonal activities, I would have to list drinking, yelling, and making stuff up.  I was raised just prior to everyone magically knowing how to ski, my toes have frozen too many times for ice skating to be comfortable, and ice fishing is just another perverted reason to sit on an overturned five-gallon bucket on and iced-over lake.  Who needs it?  So, yeah.  Drinking, yelling and making stuff up.  

The LG Report:  Frankly, and we're going to be blunt with you here, the rest of America is sick of seeing "Land of 10,000 Lakes" on Minnesota license plates.  Please pick a new state motto from among these choices:

A.  Minnesota: Land of One Big-Ass Mall
B.  Minnesota: At Least We're Not South Dakota!
C.  Minnesota: Too Cold For Gangs!
D. Minnesota: Why, You Little...
E. Minnesota: Land O' Lakes Butter (this is a sponsored slogan) 

Pearl is not shatting us.  This is the roller coaster in the mall.

Pearl:  Tired of our state motto?  Is that right?  Shoot.  Well, I'm gonna have to go with A, then, LG.  "Minnesota: Land of One Big-Ass Mall."  I mean, have you been in there?  I have.  Three times.  Did you know they have a roller coaster in there?  They do. 

The LG Report:  Your blog name, "Pearl, Why You Little...," when held up to a mirror and read sideways, after rubbing lemon juice on it, spells out "Garrison Keillor." Please explain.

Pearl:  If you could see the two of us together, well, the resemblance is uncanny.  We sometimes swap glasses and cardigans, just to play with people's heads.  It's silly, but it's mild-mannered and polite, which is how we like it.

The LG Report: What would you say is Minnesota's best kept secret tourist attraction?

Pearl:  That would have to be the jars of pickled eggs and pigs' feet available in so many of our smaller bars.  I'm actually quite a fan of the pigs' feet, but pickled eggs? That's just gross.

Government Warning: Do not confuse this:


With this:  
The LG Report:  Can we see the certified audit report on the number of lakes?

Pearl:  Yes.  

The LG Report:  We know you don't know Geo, but everyone who knows him would like to kill him.  Please accept that fact and then tell us how you would kill Geo if he ever visits Minnesota: 

A.  Leave him out in the elements on a really cold night, like, say, August 10th;
B.  Push him into one after another of the supposedly 10,000 lakes until he drowns; 
C.  Shoot him in front of Target's world headquarters at 1000 Nicollett Mall in Minneapolis and then tell the police "Sorry, he was Targeted;" or
D.  Serve him a cyanide-laced mini soda (we'll pause while readers absorb that pun) (we're still pausing....) (OK, that should be good.)

Pearl:  Poor Geo.  As Target is a mere handful of blocks away from where I work, I'm going to go with C: Shoot him in front of Target's world headquarters at 1000 Nicollet Mall in Minneapolis and then tell the police "Sorry, he was Targeted."  That way I could kill him over my lunch hour.    

The LG Report: How do you blog with mittens on? 

Pearl:  Have you seen my toes?


That's all for today folks, thanks again to our special guest, Pearl, whose very entertaining blog can be accessed by clicking HERE.  Also, look for details on her new book (technically, a chapbook) which is about to be published, "I Was Raised To Be A Lert."  If it's half as funny as her blog, you'll enjoy it immensely, we're sure.  We hope to see you back here again soon! 

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

An Ode to Wegmans

The LG Report takes a look back at one of our favorite posts....

A brilliant, shining beacon, brighter in the grocery universe than even the sun,
Wegmans wipes up its lame competitors like a bad spill in aisle one.

Its produce farm fresh and crisp; Wegmans sells the tastiest deli,
The competition’s food is old...hard...and even a tad smelly.

“I can fix the economy,” said the Prez, “I will mend ‘er,”
His smart move: making Wegmans coupons U.S. legal tender.

And so now I solemnly pledge, ashamed just a smidgeon,
That I’ve left the church; Wegmans is my new religion.

I've heard peopls say bad things about the Pope, but I've never heard anyone say anything bad about Wegmans. 

And I've never seen Sinead O'Connor rip up a picture of a Wegmans store on Saturday Night Live.

This is a bit over the top, I know, but the Cult of Wegmans has a chokehold on the Mid-Atlantic region and it's time to discuss it openly.  Specifically, I'm talking about the five states boasting Wegmans locations: New York (48), Pennsylvania (13), New Jersey (7), Virginia (6) and Maryland (1). 

Two Wegmans are planned for Massachusetts, but no construction date has been set.  Pity poor Massachusetts, being on the receiving end of a Wegmans tease.  And, even more, pity the other 44 Wegmans-less wastelands trying to pass themselves off as U.S. states.  They are Third-Worlders as far as the rest of us are concerned.

If you haven't been in a Wegmans, you can't imagine what I'm talking about, but I'll try to pull back the curtain a bit on the Wizard (only this one is real). And I'll supply some pictures. 

I went into a New Jersey Wegmans recently just to get some photos for this post. I had no intention of making any purchases, I wanted nothing.  When I emerged an hour later, I wanted for nothing.

Here's the scene in a typical Wegmans produce department:

This pictue doesn't capture the full cornucopia of fresh fruits and vegetables that dance about.  They are so fresh that they seem to grow in their display crates.  Most first-timers swirl in circles, wide-eyed, gaping at the extensive selection.

One of the drawbacks of being a small-time blogger, like me (I know I had you fooled), is that it can be awkward, and raise questions, when you take pictures of people and places in public for no discernible reason.   

As I raised my camera to snap the photo above, an elderly gentleman, a dead ringer for Uncle Junior of "The Sopranos," said to me " Whaddaya buying the place?"

Good question.

Feeling somewhat like I had been busted by the police, I mumbled that I had to take a picture so that I could send it to a friend.  He replied, "Yeah, I do that too..."  Then he walked away, convinced, it seemed, that he hadn't stumbled across somebody who was up to no good.

It's difficult to determine where to begin when describing the delight that is Wegmans.  The store has a huge selection, only the best and freshest products, competitive prices, a luxurious interior (as food stores go) and knowledgeable, nice and enthusiastic employees (37,000 of them.)  Wegmans was ranked #5 on Fortune Magazine's 2009 list of The 100 Best Companies To Work For and has been featured on the list every year since it began in 1998.  In 2005, Wegmans was #1.         

Here's what the freezer cases look like:

That's genuine imported French oak surrounding the freezer doors, it once lined the ballroom of the Palace at Versailles. 

Ok, I made that up, maybe I'm getting a bit carried away, but if you're thinking of freezing yourself cryogenically after you die, you couldn't do better than storing your body in a Wegmans freezer.  You'd be assured of at least weekly visits from your family -- maybe twice during Super Bowl week. This could be a new product idea for Wegmans.

"Let's go say hello to Uncle Hal kids, he's hanging right next to the 'Tastes Like Delivery' DiGiorno pizzas."

The deli selection was much more impressive than depicted here.  A woman was ordering, and both she and the counter guy were looking at me funny when they saw that I was going to take their picture.  I heard them say something about "Megan's Law" and I walked away quickly.  There's nothing worse than being thrown out of paradise.

This is a partial picture of the Wegmans prepared food buffet.  It puts Las Vegas to shame.  And those stairs in the background lead to a five-star cafe. 

Employees of other supermarkets shop here.

Wegmans was founded by the Wegman family in Rochester, NY in 1916 and has been continuously run by a family member.  Today, Danny Wegman is CEO and his daughter, Colleen, is the president.

It's one of the largest privately-held companies in the United States according to Forbes Magazine.

Those are some of the cold, hard facts, but, clearly, they don't convey the entire picture.

Wegmans is Babe Ruth hitting a monster homerun with a loaf of piping hot Italian bread,
Wegmans is Michael Jordan slamming home a rim-rattling dunk with a fresh lettuce head,
Wegmans is Tiger Woods Arnold Palmer making a 50-foot putt with a USDA Grade A egg,
Wegmans is Pele faking out two defenders and blasting the winning goal with a tender turkey leg.

By now, I hope you get the picture.  Wegmans Rocks.  Amen.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Catching Up...

Dear Gentle LG Report Readers:

LG has been a bit under the weather lately (details to follow in another post; nothing to worry about) and has fallen behind in his blogging.  Below he's reprising a classic LG Report Interview from May 2010 with Patty in Montana.  One of our better interviews, if we do say so ourselves (and, of course, we do!)

But before we get to that, Fishducky, a friend of The LG Report, has asked us to post a link (CLICK HERE.  for the link) to a piece about a friend of hers who is going through some hard times. You can also CLICK HERE to purchase the book which is mentioned in the post.  LG has been lucky enough to "meet" a number of very cool people through the blogosphere and this is one of many examples of bloggers supporting each other.  Fishducky is a good friend to have.  

So here's our visit with Patty.  A new/new blog post will be up soon, our apologies for the delay.

The 50-State Interview Series Continues: Montana Patty In The Hot Seat -- Welcome to Big Skyy Country!

Today we move on to the second installment in The LG Report’s 50-State Interview Series (collect ‘em all!) After starting with Dannie in New York, we’re packing up the wagon train and heading out West to meet Patty from Gardiner, Montana. Giddyap little doggie!

Interviewee Profile: A divorced mother of two daughters in college, Patty was born and raised in Toledo, Ohio, but has lived in Montana for a coon’s age, as they say in those parts. Formerly a Human Resources executive at Yellowstone National Park, she’s now with an internet company.

Patty is, coincidentally, Geo’s sister-in-law. We recently caught up with her on the north forty as she was punching some cattle. Or, she might have been sitting in her air-conditioned office sipping a double mocha latte (probably the case in light of the picture at right.) Here we go, strap yourself in:


LG Report: Montana. Really? Really? Montana?

Patty: Mon-DAMN-tana!

LG Report: Do you consider yourself to be “living off the grid?”

Patty: Solar panels on the Shack of Dreams tells me so

LG Report: You grew up in Toledo, in the great state of Ohio (“round on the ends and ‘hi’ in the middle -- sorry, couldn’t resist.) Why leave such a great place for Montana?

Patty: Dumped by a college fiancĂ©, I thought I’d go West (of Chicago)

LG Report: How many days a week, on average, do you wear plaid flannel?

Patty: Does the blue plaid flannel thong count?

LG Report: What percentage of current Montana residents do you think are native to the state?

Patty: Born ‘n Bred ... they’re a scary lot ..... 5%

LG Report: What percentage do you think are wanted by the law in other states?

Patty: 4.97%

LG Report: Do you hate arrogant East Coasters like me?

Patty: Only when standing in a queue with y’all. Or driving with people like my sister on the Garden State Parkway. Jeezus. Chill, people.

LG Report: Montana is known as “Big Sky Country.” Recently, a liquor company announced it would pay $2 million a year to the state if it will call itself “Big Skyy Vodka Country.” Are you for or against such a change?

Patty: Go for it.

LG Report: Actually, I just made that up. But it sounds plausible. Maybe Skyy Vodka will read this and try to implement the idea. I think I should get a free case if they do; it’s only right. Don't worry, I'll cut you in on some. I think they treat wounds in Montana with vodka, no? Ok, back to the interview…

Patty, living in Montana, what do you miss most about civilization?

Patty: Slices. German-American Festivals. Polish-American Festivals. 4th generation Italians. Last names with more consonants than vowels that end in “-ski.” Not having more than 2 restaurants within 55 miles. Yes, really.

LG Report: Have you ever been part of a posse? (50 Cent’s or Jay-Z’s will not count…)

Patty: My posse is none of your business.

LG Report: Have you ever attended a public hanging? If so, was it hard to get parking? And did you join the crowd in yelling “String 'eem up!”

Patty: The only thing hanging around here is the wildlife during the late hunt. And yuck.

LG Report: If you couldn’t live in Montana, what state would you live in and why?

Patty: Couldn’t live here? Like they’re gonna kick me out? I’d live wherever the Sugar Daddy buys me a sweet condo on the beach.

LG Report: You used to work at Yellowstone National Park. Also known as “Jellystone,” I believe. Did you ever have any run ins with Yogi Bear or Boo Boo? They seem like regular guys, is that true off-camera?

Patty: They won’t seem to fess up to what exactly is in that damn pic-a-nic basket. But I’m determined to figure it out. They’re always smiling.

Patty sent this photo from her camera phone. We assume that everyone in Montana has a cardboard cut-out of Yogi Bear and Boo Boo somewhere in their cabin.

LG Report: Montana is only the 44th most populous state, despite having the 4th most land. Famous people from Montana include Gary Cooper, Carroll O’Connor, Peter Fonda, Phil Jackson and Evel Knievel (1938 – 2007.)

Evel was quite the daredevil. If you had to jump over something scary with a motorcycle, what would it be?

Patty: Aforementioned Sugar Daddy?

LG Report: In that previous list, we purposely didn’t mention Theodore “Ted” Kaczynski, also known as the “Unibomber.” Although he was born in Chicago, Ted was living near Lincoln, Montana when he committed his crimes. Why are you sweating? Did you know Ted? Ever mail any packages for him?

Patty: I slept in Lincoln one night. In a tent. Woke up under water. Don’t ask.

LG Report: I should mention that "Hannah Montana" is a fraud; she's not from Montana originally, nor does she live there now. I guess the name was catchier than "Ida Ho." Also, Joe Montana and Tony Montana? Not residents either.

Speaking of Joe and Tony, Montana is a state with a lot of macho men riding horses and engaging in outdoor activities. Do most men in your state “ride bareback,” if you know what we mean?

Patty: Baby. The chaps are all for show.

LG Report: Let’s discuss the Elephant in the Interview Room – Geo. Why do you think you were unsuccessful in trying to talk your sister out of marrying him?

Patty: I did write him a scathing letter once. I think I threatened to take him out if he did my precious sister wrong.

LG Report: Do you lust after Geo in your heart? Remember, not a lot of people read The LG Report so you should feel free to reveal intimate and private thoughts.

Patty: Geo’s a rock star. What’s not to love? I’ll keep him around simply for his splendiferous CD mixes. [Editor's Note: Geo is, we must admit, very talented at creating pitch-perfect CD mixes for every musical taste.]

LG Report: Here’s a hypothetical question for you Patty. Let’s say Geo and your sister are visiting you during the summer. You take them to a county 4H fair (I don’t know what that is, but I’ve heard the term on TV) and there’s a “dunking booth” set up to raise money for the ASPCA. But the guy who was supposed to sit in the chair above the tank of water contracted diarrhea from the taco stand and the Montana Department of Health (assuming there even is one), won’t allow him to participate. So Geo volunteers to sit in the chair to help raise money for the poor ASPCA animals. You pay $3 (Montana money; I think it might be wooden) for three baseballs to throw at the chair-release target.

Here’s the question: Do you ignore the target and just aim for Geo’s nuts with your fastest pitch? Or, do you drop the balls and lunge over the counter to stab Geo in the thigh with the knife that every Montana resident is required to carry on their belt?

Think it over. We have all day for this one.

Patty: I throw like a girl. Geo wouldn’t have anything to worry about. I’d aim for him, and hit some 6’8” bull rider in the back of the head, and then point at Geo and Geo would have some splainin' to do.

LG Report: If you had to come up with a new tourism motto for Montana, what would it be?

Patty: The Big Sky Invites You To Come * And if you share that with Jeanette, I will send the 6’8” bull rider to come hunt you down

LG Report: Were you aware that John Leister from Great Falls, Montana, briefly played quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers? No? I didn’t think so, but I promised Dannie, our last interviewee, that I’d somehow get the Steelers mentioned in here. I’m checking that one off.

Here’s the question though: If you had to sing one song on “American Idol” to win it all, what would it be?

Patty: "Cheeseburger In Paradise" by Jimmy Buffett. Make that with genuine Montana beef, please.

LG Report: Is there a lot of illegal drug use in Montana? If you answer “yes,” please explain how you know.

Patty: I can only assume. Home Depot runs a special on Grow Lights every weekend in the winter. And here, we have two seasons. Winter and July. In July you can usually be assured that the plants will do okay outside. If you can keep the “wildlife” away from them.

LG Report: What would you like the readers of The LG Report to do each day to make this world a better place?

Patty: I’ve started a 12-Step Program - LGAnonymous. We realize that we are powerless over your wit.

LG Report: Have you ever danced on a bar?

Patty: Grizzly or Black?

Bison grazing on Patty's front lawn (yes, honestly.) It's not uncommon for the animals to roam freely in small Montana towns (i.e. all Montana towns...) They reportedly enjoy feasting on cardboard cut-outs of Yogi and Boo Boo.

LG Report: I said "bar," not "bear." Get your mind out of the wilderness. Montana borders three Canadian provinces, more than any other state. If the Canadians tried to invade the United States by coming through Montana, what would you personally do to defeat, or at least deter, them?

Patty: Put up the “Road Closed For The Season” signs and point them to North Dakota.

LG Report: Your mother is a very nice person. I’m sure you don’t call her as often as you should, what with all the stuff to do in Montana and all… What would you like to say to your mother here, assuming we can coax her into reading The LG Report?

Patty: Forgive me for allowing Larry to ever talk me into this.

LG Report: You are given one date with a celebrity. It can be an actor, singer, athlete, blogger – or whomever you want (I only came up with this question to show off my proper use of “whomever.”) Other than ole LG, the obvious choice, who would you pick? And, please, keep it platonic – no basing your answer on sack-tivities (a new word which I just made up, but you should feel free to popularize…)

Patty: Gerard Butler - for the bad boy quotient. Dammit - he might have to include sack-a-bility. There’s always Michael Vartan ...... yummy.

LG Report: Please tell us one thing that you never thought you’d tell anyone. Something really deep and dark.

Patty: Sue Lynch and I accepted tickets from roadies at a Kenny *** concert, 3rd row seats. Kenny tossed me his tambourine at some point. He had autographed it - with his phone number. I was smitten. And a young and wild college student. He was old. That was probably just wrong on so many levels.

LG Report: If you won $10 million in the Montana State Lottery, what would be the first thing that you’d buy?

Patty: A chartered flight starting in NYC to bring all my peeps to MT for a helluva party.

LG Report: Finish this sentence: My daughters would make me most proud if they would ________________________.

Patty: Thank me when I pay off their College Student Loans with my MT Lottery Winnings.

LG Report: Finish this sentence: I’d be really happy if Geo would just ____________.

Patty: Buy me something in a little aqua colored box like he does for my sister. Beeatch.

LG Report: OK Patty, we’re almost out of time. To wrap it up, if someone was considering going to Montana for a holiday, what would you recommend that they do? Assume that they only have a week in your great state. Please just give us the quick Reader’s Digest version, since nobody is really all that interested in Montana anyway, I’m just trying to be polite with this question.

Patty: Fly into Bozeman. Eat Fish Tacos at Taco Del Mar. Because you’ll be eating Bison later. Go north to Glacier, eat Pie For Strength. Come south to Yellowstone. Yellowstone is actually in Wyoming. Get your map out. It’s a really big state. You arrogant East Coasters could honk your horns all you want - the Elk won’t move for you any more than they do for us.

This photo depicts how Patty feels when she's forced to visit a big American metropolis and everything is moving at 100mph -- much faster than the bison grazing in her yard.

Well kids, that concludes today’s interview. A very big LG Report “Thank You” to Patty for being such a good sport and an entertaining interview subject. We wish her much continued success off the grid, err, we mean living in Montana. And please remember The LG Report’s Montana-based bit of advice for today: Don’t accept any packages with a “T. Kaczynski” return address.

Thanks for reading, as always.  We hope to see you back here again soon!