Tuesday, October 23, 2018

Just the Fax - Halifax, Nova Scotia That Is...

LG and The Wife went to Halifax, Nova Scotia on Canada's eastern coast for a long weekend recently, eh? We chose mid-October because it's an ideal time to go if you like avoiding crowds of tourists and high prices, eh? We also avoided warm weather and many restaurants and attractions which close down in September, eh. You can't have it both ways hoseheads!  

Anyway, here's a photographic of LG's Halifax holiday (play your own soundtrack of Canadian musician/singers Neil Young, Bryan Adams, Justin Bieber, Drake, Celine Dion, Anne Murray, Rush or Gordon Lightfoot, et al. in the background as you look at the pictures. Eh?)   

This is the lighthouse in Peggy's Cove, a town of 35 year-round residents about a 40-minute drive from Halifax on winding country roads. The town is very picturesque and chocked full of souvenir and arts/craft shops, eh?  Is my repeated use of the Canadian "eh?"  annoying you yet, eh?  

 This is a church in Peggy's Cove. It can hold up to 200 collection-plate contributing tourists. 

 This is a memorial to the people on SwissAir Flight #111 who died when their plane went down off the coast of Nova Scotia in 1998. It's about a mile from Peggy's Cove.  A major part of the recovery operations after the flight went down were run out of Halifax. There were no survivors. 

 This is the town of Lunenberg, about an hour's drive from Hailfax. Quaint and charming little burg with the usual line-up of tourist traps and faux artsy fartsy venues. 

Speaking of "fartsy," every cultured individual knows what a "Dutch oven" is [in case you don't: It's when you pull the covers over a bed mates head and let loose with flatulence.] Who knew that you could actually cook in that hot space? Another life hack! This gives a new meaning to the phrase "rump roast." 

Another photo of Lunenberg, eh? 

Nova Scotia, being just north of Maine, is home to a lot of delicious seafood, including the fabled flying lobster fish. This one is just about to swoop in on some Japanese tourists to steal their cameras.  

Canada is relatively advanced technologically, but still behind the times at the pump, where locals still buy their gas for their Model T's from Esso. Hey, without a full tank how are you going to drive to the Blockbuster Video store?  

This is Merlin, the resident macaw at the Maritime Museum in Halifax. Macaws can live to be 90 years old when Colonel Sanders isn't around.  

Many of the 700 or so survivors of the Titanic's 1912 sinking were brought to Halifax, as were the dead bodies and some of the wreckage. This is one of the few remaining deck chairs from the Titanic. LG tried to rearrange it in accordance with that old saying about trying to repair failing enterprises ("It's like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic") but the museum's security would have none of it. Not pictured: Celine Dion. 

LG won't insult you by telling you that this is the entrance to Halfax's Public Gardens. Oops, too late...eh? 

LG was pleased to run into another American at the Halifax Public Gardens. He appears to be an expatriate with American roots, although we are unaware of the family tree. 

Oow, aaaah. Go ahead, say it, eh? 

Two model boats on the pond in the Public Gardens are pictured shortly before LG re-enacted Pearl Harbor on them. 

LG had a really witty caption for this one but he can't remember it now. Somebody pass the Fritos. 

They have some unusual comic books in Canada. No offense intended to Jimmy's offspring. 

In case you forget where you are after consuming some of the now-legal local cannabis, it always helps to look at a local flagpole, eh? We're told that flag is made of hemp.  

And, finally, a symbolic photo showing man's struggle for solitude in an increasingly crowded world, adrift in a sea of confusion. At least that's one interpretation of this picture but, hey, whatever floats your boat. 

Until next time kidz, this is The LG Report signing off...

Friday, August 17, 2018

Those Wacky European Signs...

As die-hard readers of The LG Report know, LG and The Wife recently returned from a European riverboat cruise vacation. You may also know that the wacky Europeans have signs and product names that would most likely not fly in the United States, but hey, they provide a bit of entertainment for Americans abroad so who's complaining?  

Here's a sampling of some of the kooky signs that LG encountered on his recent holiday. 

This establishment was in the Frankfurt airport. If LG had to guess based on the breads and cakes in the display cases, he'd say this place was a traditional bakery. Oh, wait, look at the sign...apparently they have truth-in-advertising laws in Germany. 

Afraid of getting Mad Cow Disease (also known by the catchy name of bovine spongiform encephalopathy) while in Europe? Then you'll probably want to take a pass on this restaurant. 

 This clothing store is reportedly a favorite shopping spot for Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump when they're in Prague. 

Hey fellas, trying to impress a young lady on a first date? You may want to take a pass on the garlic soup. 

The Clean Air movement in Germany has really taken hold. Anyone fahrting on the autobahn must exit here...

The good folks at Kellogg's probably don't have a problem with these "Corny Flakes" infringing on their copyrighted name of "Corn Flakes." They reportedly go well with a good bottle of Cokey Cola. 

Speaking of colas, this "Black Jack" cola in Austria would probably sell like gangbusters in America with its catchy slogan of  the "Original BJ." Please fellas, do NOT accept the imitation BJ. 

Again the European truth-in-advertising laws strike. Here's a clothing store owned by followers of David Koresh. 

When you see a book with the word "bastard" on the cover, you just have to take a picture of that bastard. PS We hear that Buch isn't actually a bad guy, certainly not a bastard. 

Calm down ladies, this restaurant isn't named after "Jack the Ripper," it's "Jack the Ripperl," with an "L" at the end. You'll be perfectly safe for dinner here. And may we recommend that for dessert you go next door to their sister restaurant, Jeffrey Dahmerl. Try the brain-flavored ice cream. 

Again, truth-in-advertising laws force this store to admit that it is "gross." At least you know that going in...

Kids in Austria don't have it too bad, they get to go to "biergarten summer camp." However, after drinking all those beers, ausfarhten is strictly prohibited in the bunkhouse! 

Do you consider yourself uncultured and not much of an art expert? We've got the perfect gallery for a schmuck like you...

Forget Compton, Salzburg, Austria is the real ghetto! Who doesn't think of hip hop when they think of Salzburg? 

Late at night you need to watch yourself here ladies, this bar can get a little sketchy. 

This is a souvenir license plate seen in Vienna. This guy tells all the women that he's hung like a Horst. 

Believe it or not, a lot of knuckleheaded tourists (not smart people like you who read The LG Report) go to Austria and ask where they can find kangaroos, confusing it with AUSTRALIA (notice the different spellings?) Thus, these t-shirts are quite popular in tourist shops (but not with the locals, who will also refuse to throw shrimp on the barbie for you and claim to have never heard of Crocodile Horst.)  

At least they give you a warning that these fiakers are going round fahrten (translation supplied by LG without reference to any external sources). 

In the United States the "Dorko" brand isn't likely to do well in any product area, except for maybe pocket protectors. "Hey dorkos, get your Dorkos here!"  

 Have you been eating a bit too much and skipping the workouts lately? Don't fret, we have just the shore store for you! 

Couldn't have effing said it better myself...

Hmm, seems like they're catering to the traveler who shouldn't expect to get his room damage deposit back...

And finally, when you need a retail store name that tells customers that it's open and eager to serve them, what could be better than "Closed?" It's brilliant, "Hey customers, we're Closed!" Apparently, the names "Bankrupt" and "Go Eff Yourself" were already taken. And with that, The LG Report will be closed until the next post goes up (Vienna and Salzburg).  Thanks for stopping by! 

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

European River Cruise 2018 - Germany

Image result for passau germany

The second and third stops on European River Cruise 2018 were Regensburg and Passau, Germany. 

The German people are generally warm and hospitable (well, maybe not Angela Merkel, but the others.) However, on the whole, they're not funny (Lousiville is funny, as you can see HERE) But that won't stop LG from trying to inject humor and snark into these Germanic photos. Jawohl! (Picked that up from Sergeant Schultz...)  

Regensburg - Steinerne Bruecke ohne Dom.jpg
This is the Stone Bridge, a pedestrian-only structure which connects Old Town Regensburg to what appears to LG to be the New Town, but is technically called "Stadtamhof." If anyone knows what that means, please leave a comment. LG guesses it means "Stadium where David Hasselhoff performs." E-Z Pass not accepted. 

 Cobblestone streets and sidewalks are everywhere in Central Europe. Pro-Tip: We know you hate to hear this ladies, but wear sensible shoes. Your dogs will thank you. 

This is a section of the Danube in Regensburg. Locals sunbathe on the shores while lamenting that Frau Merkel was not successful in buying an island from Greece. Luckily, Frau Merkel herself was not sunbathing while we were there. 

A tourist boat makes its way down the Danube at lunchtime. This is not a cruise ship with cabins, but rather a party boat with dining and dancing areas. David Hasselhoff was performing on board this day, singing "Stairway to Heaven" as the boat passed. 

Speaking of which...the crowd on our Avalon Panorama ship got pretty rowdy a few nights. The average age was 92.5, but nonetheless these folks could boogie (unlike an ocean cruise ship, there were no kids or teens on board). Here we see a conga line about to unleash its fury. There was a nightly dance contest with the winner receiving a month's supply of Depends. There were some singles on the trip and, believe it or not, some hook ups. Hearts and hips were broken.    

David vs. Goliath is depicted on this building in Regensburg. Nobody names their kid "Goliath" anymore, this guy ruined it for everyone. Perhaps if he had beaten David, we'd be talking about Goliath Hasselhoff today. 

This nice fraulein conducted a presentation on different kinds of beer on board the boat. It was actually quite informative. There was also a beer tasting component to the session. While the local German beers made a strong showing, Utica Club and Schlitz tied for first. 
Here's a view of Passau (not an LG photo, he didn't get one as nice as this.) Adolf Hitler lived in Passau for two years with his family (1892 - 94) but, as you can imagine, it's not something the tourist bureau advertises.  

This is Exhibit A in the rule of thumb that tour guides are generally full of shiiite. We were told by two or three tour guides that in  Passau we'd find "the biggest organ in the world." Turns out that it wasn't even in the Top 20. It's actually only the largest church organ in Europe. And, on top of that, this isn't even that organ, LG didn't get a photo of that one, this is a smaller organ in another church. See, even bloggers can be full of shiiite! Hey, if you want to see a big organ go watch some porn, this is a family-friendly blog. 

Not that you asked, but this is a view of one of the hallways on our boat. The vessel accommodated about 166 passengers plus crew. And the rooms were surprisingly nice. 

We close this segment of our European River Cruise 2018 blog series with another view of the Stone(r) Bridge in Regensburg (ignore those kids smoking pot on the left side). 

Next up: Wacky European Signs