Monday, June 28, 2010

The World's Best Cheesecake Recipe!

My girlfriend and I played miniature golf recently. We have a bit of a "spirited" rivalry (read: bitter) going, and neither of us likes to lose. We were tied, about halfway through the round, when she mentioned that she was making a cheesecake for an upcoming party.

"You know, my dad used to make the world's best cheesecake," I said.  "It was his own special recipe.  I remember busing tables at his diners as a kid and hearing customers beg him for the secret.  Really, they begged.  He would charge $100 for a typewritten copy of the recipe -- and he had a fair number of takersAnd this was in the 1970s, when $100 was a lot of money."

"Oh my God, you have to get me that recipe, I have to have it! Is it still in the family?" she asked.

"Not that I'm aware, although there are a bunch of old boxes at my sister's house, it might be in one of them. I'm not really sure."

I wouldn't say that the cheesecake distraction was 100% responsible, but I won the match by five strokes. My girlfriend was not happy.  She doesn't like to lose.

She also loves to cook and bake, and she became obsessed with me finding that recipe. "Did you look? Have you checked your sister's house yet?" she asked repeatedly. "Is there anywhere else it might be?"

Last week, I e-mailed her with an attachment labeled "Cheesecake Recipe." My cover note simply said, "Guess what I found?!"

Later, she told me that she could hardly contain her excitement in her rush to open the attachment.

This is what she saw (you'll have to scroll down a bit, great cheesecake recipes are worth it):

It was the mini-golf scorecard showing my 5-stroke victory. Cruel, I know.  That's just the way I roll sometimes.  I thought it was funny anyway...

PS I still haven't found the recipe, so don't bother asking.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

The Mysteries of the 2010 No-Hitters Conclusively Revealed!!

Some of you don't follow baseball, we know.  Bear with us though, this post is not really all about baseball. In 2010 Major League Baseball (MLB) has seen four, count 'em four (4) (iv) (IIII) (f-o-u-r, for those of you who are dumb-in-the-head), no-hitters. And two of those were perfect games (where nobody even reaches base, never mind doesn't get a hit).  There have only been 20 perfect games in the entire history of Major League Baseball since 1876 and two of them came this year. That's pretty crazy folks.

So why is this?  What accounts for all of the recent no-hitters? [Also called "no-no's" by some commentators who like to annoy us...]

One theory is that MLB is now testing for steroids another performance enhancing drugs (PEDs) so much more vigorously, that players aren't taking them anymore.  Thus, hitters don't have their former advantage.  Interesting theory, but not really compelling given that hitters in the 1940s and 1950s, etc. didn't take PEDs and there weren't that many no-hitters in those days. 

So what's the reason for this recent surge in no-no's?  Here are the Top Ten Theories for all the recent no-hitters posited by The LG Report.  Feel free to spread them around with the gang at the water cooler (or in the machine-gun-guard-supervised rec yard, for those of you who are temporarily guests of the state...)

The LG Report Top Ten Reasons For All The No Hitters in 2010 and Not So Many Previously

10.  Batters today are preoccupied with the ending of "Lost" and trying to figure out what happened, which hampers their ability to hit a curve;

9.  2010's pitchers have the benefit of using a Sham Wow to comprehensively wipe the sweat from their brows and hands during their mound time, thus making them more effective;

8.  Batters today are constantly trying to dope out their Sudoku puzzles in their minds, which was not a factor in the 1950s;

7.  Previous generations of hitters didn't have to worry about the Deep Water Horizon oil spill seeping into their gloves or bats;

6.  Batters in earlier years didn't have to constantly scan the VIP seats to see if Lady Gaga was parading around in her underwear, always a significant distraction;

5.  Pitchers in the old days didn't consume as many Flintstone Chewable vitamins as they do  now;

4.  Batters have only recently been afflicted with "Fibromyalgia" because big pharmaceutical companies hadn't yet invented it in the old days;

3.    Oprah Winfrey, just this year, decided that no-hitters were good;

2.   Hitters are in a rush to get their swings in so that they can get back to the dugout to watch the live Justin Bieber concert; and...


1.  Batters just arent aren't getting hits.

Pretty obvious, we know, but you can take that one to the bank.  See you soon....

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Guest Blog: Mr. Peevey Weighs In On Hotel Sinks

Today we have a guest blog posting from a "Mr. Peevey" who will be checking in periodically with his pet peeves (and believe us folks, he has many...) 

Mr. Peevey was recently in a hotel room that didn't have a stopper on the sink.  Here's his rant:

Pet Peeve #1675

Dear Hotel Manager:

I realize that one time, some salesman from Topeka passed out on his bed while filling up the sink in his hotel bathroom and, as a result, the sink overflowed, causing hundreds of dollars of damages.

However, I can assure you that I am not that guy. I can be trusted with the simple act of
filling the sink for shaving and washing my face. Seriously, I can responsibly use your precious sink stopper -- no need to take it from me like guards take a belt from a despondent inmate.

I can handle the "fill-up the sink" thing all on my own, without causing colleteral damage. The "don't clog the toilet" thing?

Well, that's a whole different story.....

- Mr. Peevey

Programming note: Illinois and California are coming soon on The LG Report 50-State Interview Series, so please stay tuned....

Also, we're aiming for more frequent -- and shorter -- postings.  We haven't gotten there yet, but we hope to soon.  Thanks for stopping by!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

The 50-State Interview Series Continues with Leo in the Sunshine State!

The LG Report’s 50-State Interview Series heads south to the Sunshine State for a sit-down with Lee, also known as Leo, Leon, Lee Lee, Moon Baby, Flea Bag, Leoski, Lowballer and a variety of equally childish and stupid names which we don’t have the time, space or inclination to print.

We caught up with Lee just before he was heading out to catch the Early Bird Special at Sonny’s Real Pit BBQ. He’s developed a powerful body block that he lays on the Blue Hairs who make the mistake of trying to cut in the salad bar line. The difficult trick that Lee has mastered so skillfully is flooring these codgers without breaking their hips.


The LG Report: Lee, welcome to The LG Report’s 50-State Interview Series. It’s a big honor for you, we know. Do you mind if we dispense with the formalities and just call you Flea Bag?

Lee: Not at all, Fere Dog (see, two can play this boyhood nickname game, especially since we’ve known each other since the sixth grade). However, if you want me to answer your inane questions, please refer to me as Mr. Moon Baby or Grand Master Leoski.

The LG Report: Ok, so be it Flea Bag. Do you ever think about the fact that the State of Florida is shaped like a penis? Does it cross your mind first thing in the morning when you step out the door? Or any other time? You’re basically walking on a penis 24/7. Thoughts?

Lee: It never occurred to me. But, of course, I’m not surprised it caught your eye. So, if YOU pretend you are walking on your own penis, then it turns out to be a very short stroll.

The LG Report: Professional ice hockey in Florida. Good idea?

Lee: Sure, the Canadian snowbirds need some form of entertainment in the winter besides bingo. Let’s relocate the Labatt’s brewery here, too.

The LG Report: What’s Mickey Mouse like in person? Do you ever see him at the local Winn Dixie? Is he mousey?

Lee: He’s a very serious dude. And much taller than he appears on TV. He shops only at Piggly Wiggly, trying to keep it all in the animal kingdom. Word on Main Street is that he’s recently been seen stepping out on Minnie, gallivanting around at Chuck E. Cheese’s with some cheesy piece of tail.

The LG Report: What appeals to you more about Florida, the sand and beaches or the skiing and the mountains?

Lee: The beaches, of course, Harry (one of your unoriginal boyhood nicknames). The only mountains we Floridians see are those on the side of Busch beer — the budget-beverage choice of any good redneck as he speeds down the white sands of Daytona Beach in search of the perfect pickled egg.

The LG Report: Ernest Hemingway spent a fair amount of time in Key West. Legend has it that he always wanted to conduct a 50-State Interview Series. Are you aware of that?

Lee: My sources tell me that shortly after he learned he was a candidate, he purchased the fateful shotgun.

The LG Report: Your father’s boat mysteriously sank about 30 years ago in Florida’s St. Johns River. Give us your version of that traumatic event in 50 words or less. Less is better. Mention your brother Rick or this answer won’t get published.

Lee: I was in back, enjoying doughnuts and hot chocolate. You and Rick manned the wheel as we motored at an unsafe speed. You stepped away to fetch a doughnut, leaving Rick at the helm. The boat then struck a sandbar and sunk. Heroics and panic ensued.

There are still more holes in this story than a box of doughnuts, but one thing is certain: Given your previous post about our near-death brush on your father’s boat, the two of us should never board a vessel together again.

The LG Report: Where do Floridians go to retire?

Lee: Apparently, they will be headed up to the oil-free beaches of New Jersey and New York.

The LG Report: Are we done with “hanging chads”? How lame were those?

Lee: Doesn’t the name Chad always remind you of Chad Everett from “Medical Center,” that classic ’70s TV drama? Oh, wait — I forgot — you’re asking the dumb-ass questions here. The “hanging chads” always remind me of how the shape of Florida resembles …

The LG Report: If any readers contemplating a Florida vacation are looking for an undiscovered gem, where would you tell them to go? Don’t answer “hell” or “to a real blog.”

Lee: Gatorland is always a solid choice. But for something more low key and “old Florida,” try the Black Hammock Fish Camp in Oviedo. Blackened grouper sandwiches, cold beer, Southern rock, lots of gators and airboat rides. Just don’t let LG or Rick drive.

The LG Report: My favorite restaurant in Florida is The Waffle House. Please tell us yours (it will have more credibility if the name has “House” or “Denny’s” in it.

Lee: You already mentioned it above. Sonny’s Real Pit BBQ. Try the sizzlin’ sweet sauce on a “Big Deal” sliced pork sandwich.

The LG Report: OJ Simpson lived in your state before being incarcerated in Nevada. Did you ever see him around and, if so, what did you say to him?

Lee: O.J. actually lived in my past two states (California & Florida). The last time I saw him — no lie — was when his white Bronco, with A.C. Cowlings at the wheel, drove past my high-rise newspaper office building in Santa Ana, Calif., that fateful evening in June 1994. Most of the newsroom ran to the window to watch the low-speed chase cruise past us on “the 5” freeway. No truth to the rumor I was holding a “Free O.J.” sign.

The LG Report: Florida has more gentlemen’s clubs, per capita, than any other state in our estimation (The LG Report has not been to Alaska.). Why is that, and, if you were governor, would you consider changing the state motto to “The Gentlemen’s Club State?” That could help tourism in these down economic times.

Lee: I’m sorry, I’m not familiar with these so-called “gentlemen’s clubs.” But don’t you think that the “scholars” from Florida’s football-factory universities deserve some place private to commit their assaults?

The LG Report: You work for one of America’s largest media organizations. Do you feel The LG Report breathing down your neck? Be honest.

Lee: You betcha! Who wouldn’t rather read about the “Adventures of Geo” ™ and the cutest dogs rather than political crap and oil spills?

The LG Report: Have you ever wraastled (Southern pronunciation) an alligator? At a gentlemen’s club doesn’t count. And, if so, what’s the strategy there?

Lee: Make sure you have Dusty “The American Dream” Rhodes on your tag team. Chief Jay Strongbow will do in a pinch.

The LG Report: Your dog, Skipper, won The LG Report’s “Cutest Dog Contest.” How is she handling the notoriety? Are the other bitches jealous?
Skipper, Elaine and Leo enjoy a ride in the ample Florida sunshine.  Note Leo's precarious grip on the wheel, which is eerily similar to the last photo of him on his father's sinking boat.  Laughing, not looking where he's going...a common pattern is emerging...

Lee: There will always be jealousy in the dog-eat-dog world of Web contests. But Skipper remains above all that. She is a classy redhead. Now, please, any other questions about Skipper should be referred to her agent.

The LG Report: Who sank your father’s boat? [Editor’s Note: we’re repeating this question to see if he can be tripped up in his story.]

Lee: Was I even onboard that day?

The LG Report: If someone reading this posting is thinking of quitting his or her job and moving to Florida, what’s the single best piece of advice that you could give them?

Lee: Don’t let your poodle wade in the weeds of any local lakes.

The LG Report: Your wife was born in England. Is that going to keep you from traveling to Arizona?

Lee: No way! How else can we visit London Bridge?

The LG Report: What’s the most overrated aspect of Florida?

Lee: The USF football team.

The LG Report: What’s your relationship with orange juice like?

Lee: Things were frozen for a while, and that was the pits. But now we are on cordial terms.

The LG Report: What would you like to see more of in Florida?

Lee: In-N-Out Burger. Trader Joe’s. 80-degree summer days. And you!

The LG Report: Can readers of The LG Report, as an added benefit for clicking in, come by your house to hang out if they get to their Florida hotel and their room is not ready because the previous guest had a late check-out and the maid hasn’t gotten to it yet? What if they bring their own snacks and promise to keep their feet off the furniture? They’ll also put toilet paper down on the seat before ascending to the throne.

Lee: Sure. I like Newcastle Brown Ale or Stella Artois. And sausage and peppers on my pizza.

The LG Report: Let’s say Geo comes to Florida on vacation and you take him to one of your state’s ubiquitous alligator farms. Just as you get there, you accidentally slip a half pound of prime hamburger meat into his front left pants pocket. After a 20-foot alligator knocks him to the ground and savagely begins biting at his torso, do you:

1. Inform him that alligators are a protected species and that he should not fight back or he can get in trouble with John Law;

2. Take the opportunity to check your Blackberry for any new postings on The LG Report;

3. Yell “Geo, beat him off with this!” and then hand him a tender leg of lamb which you had been marinating in butter and olive oil overnight just for this occasion; or

4. Start to phone 9-1-1 but then pause for a few minutes to look up the difference between an alligator and a crocodile on Wikipedia just to make sure that you’re not phoning in a false police report in case you are confused as to which is attacking Geo?

Lee: C’mon, Larry! This is in poor taste. That reference to “John Law” is simply uncalled for. These are peace officers of the court. Please be more sensitive in the future. … By the way, tossing a Pomeranian in Geo’s direction would cause the gator to release its grip.

The LG Report: What’s the best souvenir from Florida that a vacationer can bring back to their family? And don’t say one of those t-shirts that says: “Someone went to Florida and all I got was this lousy t-shirt” because those are way overrated. That is not an acceptable answer.

Lee: So many… A suntan from Tampa’s Steinbrenner Field. A UCF football T-shirt. A winning trifecta ticket from any dog track. A bottle of sauce from Sonny’s Real Pit BBQ.

The LG Report: Anything that you want to get off your chest or unburden yourself of, some deep dark secret that has been festering for years? Now’s the time, let it rip….

Lee: About that boat trip…

The LG Report: Is there anything else that our readers should know about Florida that you haven’t yet touched upon? Feel free to spill your guts.

Lee: I believe BP has done enough spilling for Florida and the rest of the Gulf. So I’ll sign off with a shout-out to my alma mater: Go UCF Knights!

The LG Report: Ok, it’s a wrap. Thanks for being such a good sport and agreeing to participate Flea Bag (now that we’re done, we can call you anything we want…) As a show of gratitude, we’ll be sending you a t-shirt which says “I participated in The LG Report 50-State Interview Series and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.” Thanks again.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


The LG Report hasn't posted in a while, sorry about that, we got carried away with various time wasters.  This will be a short but hard-hitting entry.  We hope.

Mr. Rooter is a fraud. 

That's our opinion anyway. 

We've all known for decades that when you clog your pipes, whether because of an Upper Decker/Top Shelf or otherwise, you call Roto Rooter.  Who the heck is "Mr. Rooter?"   Never heard of the guy, and why is he winking at us?  It's like he's tacitly saying "I know I'm not Roto Rooter, I'm a bit cheaper, and probably not as good, just use me...." 

Mr. Rooter is to unclogging drains what Hydrox cookies are to Oreos.  Or what Ho Ho's are to Yodels.  You get the picture, cheap imitations.  Stop winking at us Mr. Rooter, we're calling our good friend Roto when our double cheesesteak does us dirty in the pipes.

This is Robert Green, England's goalie in the World Cup match against the United States on Saturday.  He's letting in a shot that should have been easily stopped.  Mr. Green had a bad day.  If you live in the U.S., don't be surprised if Mr. Green moves in next door to you soon, since he won't be welcomed back home in the U.K. any time soon. 

He probably would've had a better chance at stopping the shot if he hands weren't bandaged up like a burn victim's.  Now he's a burn victim himself....

This is the drawbridge over the Shark River Inlet between Avon and Belmar, NJ.  As you can see, the bridge was up today, just when I was trying to ride my bike over it.  What annoys me is that half the time this bridge is raised because some egotistical boat owner has a radio antenna that protrudes too high.  If I were the governor of New Jersey, or the Ruler of the New Jersey Waterways, I would mandate that boat antennas be retractable, thus no bridge would ever have to raise for them. 

@$(*@#&#  the egotistical boat owners!!!   Shortly after this photo was taken, I built up a head of steam on my bike and Evel Knievel'ed over the open span, to the applause of hundreds. 

That's it for today folks.  Our Florida interview in The LG Report's 50-State Interview Series will be along shortly.  

Wait, a PS:  Candidate Anna Little of the 6th Congressional District in New Jersey, won her primary today when her opponent conceded the race.  The LG Report has now officially endorsed only one candidate ever, and is batting a perfect 100%.   We expect politicians nationwide to be courting our endorsement soon.

Now please put your seatback in the upright and locked position, we're coming in for a landing...


Thursday, June 10, 2010

Cleaning Out the Blackberry Camera....

The LG Report begins by congratulating Sophie the Blog Dog on turning one-year old yesterday, June 9th.  Here's a picture of Sophie at her birthday party, complete with her celebratory tiara:

Google's click-tracking tells us that all we need to do is display a photo of Sophie and use the phrase "Cutest Dog Contest" in order to rack up the hits.  We'll see.  P.S. Sophie ate the entire cake by herself, devoured the table it was on, and feasted on the flesh of every human at her party.  But she's a good dog!!

This is Mike, a friend of The LG Report.  Mike is proving that he doesn't have any ticks on his head.  Not that we accused him of harboring any.  Mike's not just the president of the Hair Club for Men...he's a future client.  Hopefully they can do a better job than Mother Nature. 

These are the REAL REAL REAL Housewives of New York/New Jersey.  From left we have Kitty, Barbara, Janine and Anne.  They are not actually all housewives, but they all live in New York or New Jersey.  As you can see, they're not all Botoxed up to look glamorous and attractive and much younger than they really are.  They're just real women.  Rumor is that the Bronx Zoo is missing four out boys!

UPDATE ON CANDIDATE ANNA LITTLE: The only candidate that The LG Report has ever endorsed is ahead in her Republican Primary in New Jersey's 6th Congressional District by less than one-half of one percent, thus a recount is likely.  Keep your fingers crossed folks, or Marge will personally come to your house and give you a fresh one.  You know you deserve one, if not for this, then for something else. We'll send her over to see you regardless. 

That's it for today, the Blackberry is clear.  Carry on and remember to check back often with The LG Report!



Tuesday, June 8, 2010

The Sorbsy Cup Remains in New York!

Gather 'round friends while we tell a tale that begins back in 1999, in the dark days before Facebook and Twitter, when a man named Sorbsy began a small annual golf competition among some buddies. 

Eventually, this friendly endeavor evolved into a match between a team from the Philadelphia area, captained by Sorbsy himself, and a New York-based team, captained by LG (Team New York/World.) 

Thus was born The Sorbsy Cup. 

[Pause here for dramatic effect while the gravity of something as important as The Sorbsy Cup sinks in.]

[OK, just a bit more of a pause.]


The winning team, as you probably know from reading the sports pages, gets to possess this beautiful trophy during the year following its victory:

(photo courtesy of Dannie)

The winners also get the Sorbsy Cup Jacket, which is a black tuxedo jacket with white iron-on letters spelling out "Sorbsy Cup" on the wide-and-shiny lapels.  And just when you thought it couldn't get any better, the MVP of the winning team gets to wear the Sorbsy Cup MVP Helmet.  Here's an eyeful of that beauty:

Juvenile you say?  Immature and inane? Sure, but we're talking about grown men here, what more would you expect? 

This past weekend The 2010 Sorbsy Cup was hotly contested at golf courses in the Avalon, NJ area.  And The LG Report is happy to announce that Team New York/World retained The Cup for the second year in a row!  Here are some photos from this momentous weekend:

Team New York/World members Quinny (background) and Dannie preparing for the competition on the night before by carb-loading with some Miller Lites.  Not pictured: the foot-long cheese steaks that they just downed in a cheese steak-loading exercise.  Did the camera catch Quinny in the act of a surreptitious pinky-pick of the nose? You be the judge, it's snot for us to say. 

Here's Team Philly captain Sorbsy about to strike a ball which was conveniently dislodged from its resting place along the base of that tree with his foot wedge.  The form is terrible kids, so don't pay attention if you're looking to improve your game.

Sorbsy pauses between championship rounds for a Dagwood Bumstead-like sandwich.  The fruit salad in the background is just for show.

Team New York/World poses at the Princeton Grill in Avalon with The Cup after its hard-fought victory.  Nobody in this photo wants to be identified by name.  The lighting was bad, really.

Sorbsy, trying to ride the coattails of Team New York/World, hams it up with some adoring fans at the Princeton Grill.  Despite appearances, it wasn't 70s Hairstyles Night at the Princeton Grill.  Let's hope Mrs. Sorbsy doesn't read The LG Report!    

At the end of the weekend's fierce rivalry, the competitors gather for a Brodak moment (which is a photo of guys only; you just got your learn on courtesy of The LG Report!) From left: Paul, Mike, Dannie, Quinny, Sorbsy and Eric.  Not pictured: Lisa and Molly (Inside joke: they are hated first wives of two of the competitors) (you had to be there...) 

A heartfelt shout-out to Team Philly member Blair, who was on the DL and unable to participate in this year's Cup competition.  Here's wishing you a full and speedy recovery from all The Cup participants.

That's it folks, a brief glimpse into the world of competitive low-talent golf.  Thanks for reading, see you again soon.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Public Service Announcements

We have some public service announcements today, along with the announcement of the winner of the "Write One Stinking Line" contest.   Please contain yourselves.   

Let's start out with our first-ever LG Report political endorsement.  This is Marge:

Marge is a 40+ year old (note: if we gave her exact age we might get a fresh one across the face) housewife who lives in New Jersey's 6th Congressional District.  She has chosen to endorse Anna Little for Congress.  

Ms. Little (pictured right), the mayor of Highlands, NJ, is "Tea Party approved" and is running in the Republican primary on June 8th.  If you live in New Jersey's 6th Congressional District, Marge would like you to vote for Ms. Little.  You should do as she says because, trust me, you don't want a fresh one in the kisser from Marge.  And if you're good, maybe she'll throw you one of her scrumptious strombolis.  But you'd probably have to stick "Little for Congress" signs in the ground to earn one of those...

Here's a picture of Marge with the only political sign I can recall seeing on her lawn since 1974:

To learn more about Ms. Little and her qualifications, political beliefs, etc., please click here.  We promise, no fresh ones will come through your screen. 

I stuck one of the signs in the sand at the beach over Memorial Day weekend (much to my sister's dismay.)  Hey, you can never do enough when trying to earn yourself one of Marge's strombolis....


The Greater Berks (PA) Food Bank is a terrific organization.  It serves a lot of free meals each year, primarily to children and low-income seniors.  John B., one of their board members and a friend of The LG Report, asks our readers to help them in their quest to win a $25,000 grant by clicking here and voting for the food bank in a competition among various charities.  Scroll about halfway down the page linked above and you'll see the green-and-white circular logo of the Greater Berks Food Bank.  Just click on the "Vote" button below the logo.  If you're feeling particularly charitable, you can vote once each day until the June 10th deadline

The next screen after you vote will ask you if you'd like to register, but that's not mandatory for your vote to count.  You can simply vote and leave.  

Thanks for your help with this great cause.  We have just received a photo of John B. and here it is:

He's such a fan of The LG Report that he actually had our initials tattooed onto his forehead.  Way to go John!

Winner of the "One Stinkin' Line" Contest:  John P., mostly by virtue of being the first one to respond, but his two answers were definitely witty.  Congrats John P., your dough will be in the mail shortly.     

That's it for today folks, short and sweet.  Thanks for stopping by....