Sunday, June 27, 2010

The Mysteries of the 2010 No-Hitters Conclusively Revealed!!

Some of you don't follow baseball, we know.  Bear with us though, this post is not really all about baseball. In 2010 Major League Baseball (MLB) has seen four, count 'em four (4) (iv) (IIII) (f-o-u-r, for those of you who are dumb-in-the-head), no-hitters. And two of those were perfect games (where nobody even reaches base, never mind doesn't get a hit).  There have only been 20 perfect games in the entire history of Major League Baseball since 1876 and two of them came this year. That's pretty crazy folks.

So why is this?  What accounts for all of the recent no-hitters? [Also called "no-no's" by some commentators who like to annoy us...]

One theory is that MLB is now testing for steroids another performance enhancing drugs (PEDs) so much more vigorously, that players aren't taking them anymore.  Thus, hitters don't have their former advantage.  Interesting theory, but not really compelling given that hitters in the 1940s and 1950s, etc. didn't take PEDs and there weren't that many no-hitters in those days. 

So what's the reason for this recent surge in no-no's?  Here are the Top Ten Theories for all the recent no-hitters posited by The LG Report.  Feel free to spread them around with the gang at the water cooler (or in the machine-gun-guard-supervised rec yard, for those of you who are temporarily guests of the state...)

The LG Report Top Ten Reasons For All The No Hitters in 2010 and Not So Many Previously

10.  Batters today are preoccupied with the ending of "Lost" and trying to figure out what happened, which hampers their ability to hit a curve;

9.  2010's pitchers have the benefit of using a Sham Wow to comprehensively wipe the sweat from their brows and hands during their mound time, thus making them more effective;

8.  Batters today are constantly trying to dope out their Sudoku puzzles in their minds, which was not a factor in the 1950s;

7.  Previous generations of hitters didn't have to worry about the Deep Water Horizon oil spill seeping into their gloves or bats;

6.  Batters in earlier years didn't have to constantly scan the VIP seats to see if Lady Gaga was parading around in her underwear, always a significant distraction;

5.  Pitchers in the old days didn't consume as many Flintstone Chewable vitamins as they do  now;

4.  Batters have only recently been afflicted with "Fibromyalgia" because big pharmaceutical companies hadn't yet invented it in the old days;

3.    Oprah Winfrey, just this year, decided that no-hitters were good;

2.   Hitters are in a rush to get their swings in so that they can get back to the dugout to watch the live Justin Bieber concert; and...


1.  Batters just arent aren't getting hits.

Pretty obvious, we know, but you can take that one to the bank.  See you soon....

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