Today, The LG Report has the pleasure of catching up with Becky, author of the rollicking (and sometimes ribald) blog Steam Me Up Kid. She has a decidedly unique style, employing her razor wit in a no-holds-barred manner. You never know what you're going to get from SMUK (which, coincidentally, is only one letter off from SMUT.) It's well worth a visit; chances are, you'll be back often.
So let's get down to business...
The LG Report: The title photo on your blog shows a seemingly happy and carefree woman in a field with some type of laser beams being emitted from her breasts. These beams could potentially blind, or cause serious damage to the eyesight of, a breast-feeding child. Are you worried about any liability in this regard? And are you impressed with our use of the word “emitted”?
|The VonTrapp Family. Numbers represent each member's drug convictions.|
The LG Report: Is there a deeper significance to the symbolism of the laser-beam breasts? For instance, are you warning women to be vigilant against doctors negligently leaving their laser pointers in women while performing breast augmentation surgery?
Becky: Yeah, it’s all a part of a larger, very complicated, post-feminist statement, but to sum it up in layman’s terms, it’s all like PEW!PEW!PEW! and then it’s like SCHWOO!SCHWOO! and then it’s all KAPOWW!!
The LG Report: Are those laser beams the product of a trick bra of some sort, or are they actually coming from the breasts themselves? We promise that this will be the last laser-beam breasts question that we will ask today. Of you, anyway.
Becky: Remember when Obi-Wan taught Luke how to use his light saber? Now in your mind, replace Luke’s hands with two breasts. That’s pretty much how it works.
The LG Report: We’ve read every single one of your blog postings dating back to 1958. We know you love dogs. If you were a dog, what celebrity would you bite and why? And by “celebrity” we don’t mean celebrity dogs like Lassie, Scooby Doo, Snoopy, Rosie O’Donnell, etc., we mean people.
|Bad man. Bad.|
The LG Report: You don’t post very frequently compared to many other bloggers. As of today’s interview, you haven’t posted in well over a month. Are you in a women’s prison and, if so, can you send us photos?
Becky: I get comments sometimes asking “Are you dead?” and things like that, and I’m always surprised because with all the funny stuff to read on the Internet, why do people even notice if I don’t post for a month? The answer to your question, though, is that I’m always writing, but I don’t post unless I think it’s funny enough. I don’t want to clutter up the Internet with my bullshit, you know? (Said the woman currently finishing up a post narrated by a whale’s vagina.)
The LG Report: “Steam Me Up Kid” could be interpreted as a play on the old “Star Trek” line “Beam me up Scotty,” or it could mean “steam me up” as in “get me aroused and steamy,” or it could me something else totally. Care to provide any clues?
Becky: “Steam Me Up, Kid” was what my dad used to say to us when he wanted us to tell him a story that would get him riled up, get his blood going. Usually something about injustice or rudeness. My first post ever on the blog explains it in more detail.
The LG Report: If a potential new reader/follower of “Steam Me Up Kid” wanted to go directly to one of your best posts, where would you send him or her?
Becky: It would depend on whether the reader was particularly offended by bodily functions, obscenities, or other such unsavory things. To play it safe, I’d go with a post I wrote about a carbon monoxide leak (Click Here) or this one about anal leakage (Click Here). [Yet Another Editor's Note: LG first came across SMUK via the carbon monoxide leak post. It is near impossible to read it without laughing aloud repeatedly.]
The LG Report: What’s the worst thing you ever did as a kid? We sense that you were a wild one. If it involves burning a child’s retinas with your breast lasers, please choose another story.
Becky: No, actually, I was actually a pretty good little kid. The only thing I can think of would be that I lied to a priest during confession once, because I couldn’t think of any sins I’d committed but I didn’t want him to think I didn’t think I was a sinner, so I made up a sin and lied. I realize the irony now.
The LG Report: If you won $544 million in the lottery, what would you do with the money? And would you still write “Steam Me Up Kid?”
|Someday, Becky could be saying "Helicopter me up kid!"|
The LG Report: Your dad was a professional comedy writer. That’s pretty cool. No question, we just wanted to point that out.
Becky: That is true. He was truly the funniest person I’ve ever met, and he would do anything for a laugh. One time, he and my mom were getting ready for work in the bathroom, and he put a clothespin on his penis and stood there waiting for her to turn around and laugh. She never did. He stood there for upwards of 20 minutes, and when she finally noticed, he was pale in the face and had tears running down his cheeks. That’s dedication.
The LG Report: You have over 1,800 followers. What pithy advice do you have for new bloggers, other than to get the laser-beam bra that you’ll soon be selling?
Becky: First of all, I don’t know what the heck I’m doing. If someone asked me, I’d tell them that first, and then if they were still curious, I guess I would just tell them that, contrary to the conception that blogs are narcissistic, self-indulgent endeavors, it’s not all about you. People will only read you if they can connect with you, or if you can make them laugh or cry or commiserate or feel something. So if you’re not consciously making an effort to engage the reader somehow, it kind of falls apart. Write something that you’d truly enjoy reading if you weren’t you, and post it. If you’d enjoy it, other people will too. We’re all made up of the same stuff, after all.
The LG Report: We’re just guessing here but we’d bet that you don’t currently live in the state that you grew up in. Why did you abandon your home state and which state was it?
Becky: Wrong-o! Not only do I live in the same state (California) but the same city. How’s that for spreading my wings?
The LG Report: Brad Pitt, George Clooney or Robert Pattison?
Becky: I’m sure they are all fine, respectable people. I dated a good-looking actor once and it turned me off pretty men for life. I like to be the girl in the relationship. No thank you.
The LG Report: What was your worst summer job and how did it make you a better person (or totally ruin you for life, whichever is more appropriate)?
Becky: One summer I was a hostess (excuse me, assistant hostess) at a very upscale LA restaurant. The “main” hostess was an aspiring actress/producer who was there to network and kiss up to important people. I, by contrast, was there for the free focaccia. My job, essentially, was to refuse a table to important and famous people coming in, so that she could swoop out from her hiding spot around the corner and apologize profusely to whomever it was, seat them at the best table in the house, and be the hero. When a party arrived, she’d tell me to make them wait, despite their tables being ready, so that she could eventually sidle up to them and say things like, “Well hello, what are you doing out here? You’ve been here HOW LONG? Just ask for me, next time, silly. Someone of your position shouldn’t ever have to wait, follow me.” It was crap. But like I said before, focaccia.
The LG Report: What question did you really want to answer but we forgot to ask?
|Jean Claude Van Damme freeing a hummingbird.|
The LG Report: And, finally, give a shout out to the three blogs you enjoy reading most (The LG Report excluded, of course, since you probably hadn’t even heard of us until we requested this interview…), maybe our readers will check them out.
Becky: Well, I regularly shout the hell out of the blogs I really love, so I’m not even sure if people even listen to me anymore. But The Monster Apathy is my long-time favorite, and Chelle at Coffee and Zombie Movies is just brilliant and so hilarious, and Vic is also brilliantly clever and hasn’t posted in a little while (which is okay, right? Everyone calm. the heck. down.) but she’s at What Were You Thinking?
That wraps it up for this interview folks. We’d like to thank Becky once again for spending some time with us and we’d strongly recommend that you check out Steam Me Up Kid soon, it’s a highly entertaining read and The LG Report wouldn't steer you wrong (again), would we?
We look forward to seeing you back here soon!