Saturday, April 23, 2011

People of Walmart (Continued) Plus Other Stuff...

The LG Report has a number of issues to address today.  Please bear with.

First,we'd like to again thank Becky of Steam Me Up Kid for being our interview subject earlier this week.  She did a truly outstanding job (as evidenced by the comments) and, largely due to her loyal following, The LG Report drew its highest single-day total of visitors on Wednesday (well over 700, but don't make us go back and look up the exact number...)

Second, here's what happened to LG tonight (an absolutely true story): 

LG went to dinner at Pete & Elda's with his sister, MIG, and friends Gail and Stan.  The restaurant was packed, as usual (it has one of the best thin crust pizzas on the planet), so the foursome ended up standing along a wall in the bar area.  MIG, Gail and Stan were engaged in a spirited conversation, whilst LG stood off to the side a bit by himself, examining his Blackberry. 

LG noticed two ladies at the bar who kept looking over at him and whispering to each other.  These gals, appearing to be in their late 40s and, he must say, not unattractive, were sitting next to each other, but were flanked by two gentlemen who appeared to be their husbands. 

The pair kept looking right at LG, to the point where LG finally thought to himself that their aggressive glances were borderline rude (LG is an expert on rudeness), especially when done so blatantly in front of their spouses. 

As usual, LG had it all going on tonight, so he didn't really think it unusual that the ladies were noticing.

Just after that thought crossed his mind, LG, for no discernible reason, turned to look behind himself. 

He discovered that he was standing smack dab in front of the board displaying the night's dinner specials. 

Case solved.

Now, we come to a few "People of Walmart" photos, provided via an e-mail from MIG, but with LG's customized captions.

Before we get to that however, let's try to figure out what these people might be thinking before they arrive at Walmart dressed like this. 

Here are LG's best guesses (feel free to provide your own theories in a comment below):

  • "Walmart is my own private store, nobody else goes there, so I'm gonna show up today dressed like I'm walking into my bathroom to drop a deuce."
  •  "I'm gonna head down to Walmart looking like I was just shot out of a cannon. Seems like an appropriate fashion choice for that place."
  • "They might be casting one of those zombie movies down at the Walmart today, I'd better go dressed appropriately." 
  • "I can go to the Walmart dressed any damn way I please, after all, it ain't like I'm gonna end up with my picture on the internet or nuttin'." 
OK, let's get to it; you have more important things to do than wait to see these pictures:

Playtex used to advertise that their bras were designed to "lift and separate."  This one is clearly excelling at the "separating" part, but not so much on the lifting.  Wanna see her breasts?  Take the elevator to the sub-basement. Any lower and they'd be drilling for oil.

Walmart is now selling "People of Walmart" replica dolls!  There's only one left, lying on its side in Aisle 14, so get it now before they sell out.  They're the next Beanie Babies!  

This woman either has a really hairy right breast, or she's got a first-grader who refuses to grow up.  Either way, not good.

Bozo the Clown's widow shops for deli products.  A cast member from "Grey's Anatomy" waits on her. 

 Is there a "Society for the Prevention of Cruelty To Bras?"

Either this woman was repairing the roof and fell through a skylight onto a customer, or that dude on the bottom just tried on a really sexy pair of shoes.  Film at 11. 
Dude, you're totally busted!  How embarrassed will this guy be when his wife sees a picture of him on the Internet going for the full-calorie Edy's Ice Cream when the low-fat frozen yogurt is only a shelf away? 
That's it for today folks, come back again soon!

PS We may be posting a Bossy Betty  interview soon.  By repeatedly mentioning it, we're hoping to goad her into finishing up her answers!  


  1. oh my gosh, what the hell are women thinking wearing shirts like that??! there is nothing about giant floppy stretched apart boobs that says sexy!
    and what's up with the couple knocking boots in the shoe department? maybe one of them has a fetish.

  2. Oh my. That last picture. Wow. I'm speechless.

  3. Are these people for REAL? Your captions are absolutely first class!

  4. "People of Walmart" are just too scary to comment on.

    Are you sure those ladies weren't "using" the menu posting as an excuse? I mean you did have it all going on, didn't you? ;)

    Thanks for the chuckle.

  5. I'm with Joan...and I've seen your photo!

    The Walmart pictures and captions are a riot! I can't believe those shots!

  6. Hilarious! I love all the Walmart pictures.

  7. Doesn't it make you wonder? Some years ago, I swear Al Qaeda guys wandered into a Wal-Mart, looked around at the customers, and thought to themselves, "we can take these guys". That has always amused me, at least until 9/11. Now, it scares the hell out of me.

  8. OMG LG! At first I thought you posted pics from your nights at Jimmy Byrne's Sea Girt Inn! Whew, I'm Breathing again. Eggman

  9. Just when I thought I had already seen the most outrageous Walmart pictures, ever, here you are with more. I know I should get my head out of the middle class sand, but, I can't believe that there are people who think it is OK to dress this way!.............kt

  10. As many of these as I see, they NEVER GET OLD. Our climate is colder, so we see less skin, but a lot more pajamas.

  11. Whenever I see a people of Walmart installment, I always vomit a little. I can't believe how disgusting that is. I loved your ideas of what they may be thinking.

  12. I can't help but wonder what the higher-ups in the Wal-Mart chain think of their customers. Do they not notice that there's not a People of JC Penney website?


    p.s. You asked recently if I'd spent any time in the NYC area because of some of the phrases I'd used in a post. :-) The answer is that I've never been there, but I AM currently reading selected short stories of Sholom Aleichem, so that might've given a bit of East Coast flair to the story! :-) And THANK YOU. :-)

  13. Forget, I am coming HERE from now on for my Walmart fix. The commentary is hilarious. The Bozo pants cracked me up the most, but the lady lying dead in the shoe aisle was almost as good.

    Maybe YOU were their "special" that night?

  14. I'm all caught up on your posts! You are brilliant! Loved the interview with Becky, I do love her and harbor a desire to kidnap her and transfer her brain into my head (but don't worry, I don't even know how to work an iPhone, so she's safe. For now.)
    However Mr. Laz, that last pic of buddy's crack is going to leave me feeling horny for the rest of the week.
    PS: That pic of you in your interview with Becky is quite handsome. Maybe not Pattinson-handsome, but definitely you kick Clooney's butt!

  15. I love that you shared your embarrassing story with us! I'm sure they really were more interested in you anyway. Right? They had to have been! On another note, did you write the captions for those pictures? I know that website does, but I thought you may have come up with those. I loved them all! Ha!!

  16. Do fat people fall asleep in supermarkets all the time in America? These pictures are incredible.

  17. Haha! Didn't anyone tell you it was 'dress like a slag' day??!!

    I don't think we've got anything quite like this downunder here in OZ ...

  18. OMG..where do you get these photos!?!? Unreal. And don't feel bad: I too have stood in front of the Dinner Special sign, feelin' hot. ;-)


The LG Report appreciates all comments, thanks for taking the time; Karma will probably award you a winning lotter ticket or something. The "or something" being more likely. But thanks again!