Saturday, December 31, 2011

2011: Year-End Antique Photos...

Here are some more antique photos that LG harvested for your viewing pleasure from various second-hand stores, antique galleries, the Sotheby's Celebrity Auction, Saddam Hussein's ransacked mansions and the Royal Family of England's Garage Sale.

Snarky captions provided by LG Productions, Inc.  They're fully copyrighted worldwide so please don't try to impress your friends on New Year's Eve by stealing these without our permission.

OK, you have our permission. You drive a hard bargain.

"I hope our baby will grow up to be normal despite looking like a stunted mushroom flanked by two kids.  People in 70 years won't realize that 12-year olds were parents in our day. Stop laughing, this chair would've been worth $15,600 in 2011 if Uncle Stanley hadn't flattened it in 1948.  Too bad Pilates hadn't been invented yet."

"What a great photo of our Woolworth's-bought artificial flowers!  Oh, wait, there are people back there too."  

Notice her slip?  That was considered revealing back in the day, but, it was understandable since she was a 1960's porn star on Super 8 film.  Why is that raccoon sleeping on her head and why is he wearing a shoelace around his neck?  These people later divorced.  She got custody of the flowers, he got the drapes.

"If anyone laughs at this ridiculous tie that I'm wearing in 65 years when they see it on the internet, I'll haunt them because I'll be dead by then.  I'm posing with my meanest 'I'll be dead by the time you see this on a blog' look right now.  Is my zipper undone?  This isn't really a tie, it's two large green beans hanging down off my neck.  You'll call them something fancy like 'edemame' someday.  Stop looking at my large hands and high waist. I'm haunting your basement right now, don't come down here.  Boo!"

"Oh what jokers we are here in 1923, faking like Hurricane Katrina came through this part of Mississippi and upended us all!  You can tell it's fake, however, because we're smiling and not looting flat-screen TVs.  Plus, we're about 85 years too early for the real Hurricane Katrina, but this is hysterical by our early 1900's standards.  Where was 'Saturday Night Live' when you needed it?  And how does our hair and wooden teeth look? We hope our corsets aren't showing.  This photo should attract some fun-loving men in 75 years when internet dating becomes all the rage." 

That's it for this year folks, thanks for your support throughout 2011 and for stopping by today.  The LG Report wishes you all the best in 2012, may it be your happiest year yet!


Sunday, December 18, 2011

A Restaurant Recommendation

Yes, we still have a cache of antique photos to plow through, but LG is taking another detour tonight before pressing on with those.  He has a restaurant recommendation for you.  Still trying to figure out what "cache" means? Nah, you read The LG Report, you're smart-ish! 

LG recently discovered an excellent tapas  place (click on the word "tapas" in case you're not familiar with that particular cuisine) and he'd like to share it with readers of The LG Report

This establishment has a wide variety of excellent small plates.  You can sample everything from appetizers to desserts.  The atmosphere is always lively, the servers are friendly and, best of all, the small plates are always FREE!!!!  It's called Costco  and there's probably one near you.  Here's a photo of one of their most excellent serving stations:

Full disclosure: Mrs. LG accused LG of elbowing an older gentleman into a display of cereal boxes in order to get the last strip of sizzling, crispy, mouth-watering, center-cut bacon on offer from the tapas server.  LG is sure that he heard the unfortunate octogenarian say that he was feeling dizzy because his Canadian-bought internet medication was failing just before the dust-farter took a header into Cap'n Crunch's groin.  Check the store security camera, LG doesn't lie (especially when he knows he's just outta site of the security camera...) 

OK, that's it for tonight folks, an excellent restaurant tip that both your stomach and pocketbook will appreciate!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

A New Photo and Some Facebook Wisecracks...

LG is going to take a break from the antique photo theme that he's been milking like an old Guernsey in Iowa (Midwestern friends: Did that even make sense?) and hit you with a much more recent photo.  Although be forewarned: LG has plenty more antique photos to post in the near future so don't think you're off ye olde hook yet.  

As you may have noticed, LG is adopting a shorter post format: Get you in, get your laughs and get back on the road.  Nobody makes any money if you're loitering around here.

Mrs. LG recently told LG that she doesn't think he quite has the feel for married life yet.  Apparently, one is supposed to shed the ways of bachelorhood, i.e. no more being selfish, self-centered, greedy, arrogant, etc.  Now it's supposed to be about FAMILY and not just the individual.  So LG, trying to embrace this altruistic one-for-all-and-all-for-one philosophy, volunteered to purchase and hang the family Christmas stockings this year.  Mrs. LG was not too happy with LG's (also known as Lazarus or Laz) efforts for some reason:

Oh well, LG will keep working on it...

We leave you with some recent posts from LG's Facebook account.  This is all original material written by LG, but he hereby gives you permission to use any of it on your own Facebook page or on your Twitter feed (not that you'd want to, but LG is offering in an effort to appear less selfish). 

Here's a great low-cost gift idea that just came to me. Ask a male friend if he'd like to experience a holiday ballet for free. If he says yes, kick him square in the groin and yell "Terrific, please enjoy The Nutcracker!" Then stand back and watch him double over in pleasure. A great way to spread the joy of the season!
Good news: The FBI just announced that the rate was down 4% in the United States last quarter for violent crimes such as murder, rape and horsing around.
Jerry Sandusky needs better legal advice. He tried posting bail today with $250,000 worth of Hershey's Bars.
I wanted to see "The Descendants" tonight but my wife didn't. Finally, she gave in and agreed to go. To reward her, I'm buying her a gift certificate for 5 speedboat rides. [Note: This will only make sense if you saw the movie.]
Michelle Bachmann pledged tonight that if the majority of Herman Cain's supporters agree to vote for her, she'll close the U.S. embassy in East Germany.
My personal opinion: Where Herman Cain really went wrong was when he leaked to the press that his vice presidential running mate would be Hugh Hefner.
Herman Cain suspended his presidential campaign today. He figured out that if all the women who alleged that he sexually harassed him refused to vote for him, it would be mathamatically impossible for him to win.
Our town is getting ridiculous with cost cutting and budget reductions. For the annual holiday party, the only person who they could afford to play Santa was Jerry Sandusky. Too soon?

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

The Old Photo Train Rolls On...

Mrs. LG dragged ole LG to another antique store this past weekend, although, truth be known, he's going more willingly these days due to the various treasures he's finding.  LG stumbled upon another cache of old photos, so he made a few more purchases for the viewing pleasure of readers of The LG Report.  You're welcome.  Don't mention it.  

But, before we get to some of those pictures, we have two quick orders of business. 

FIRST, LG must report on another "I Love Lucy" moment with Mrs. LG this weekend.  As some of you know, LG equates living with Mrs. LG, at times, to being married to Lucille Ball (or at least her character in the TV show.)  It's all very enjoyable, of course.  Please keep in mind, this is 100% true.


The Scene: Saturday night, in the car, pulling away from our friends' house, where we had just enjoyed a delicious meal and very fun evening with Kristy and Rich. 

The Dialogue:

LG: Check to make sure you have your phone, you're always leaving it somewhere.

Mrs. LG: It's right here in my pocketbook, I have it, no need to worry.  [10 second pause]  Oh, wait, what's this, I have another iPhone too.  How did I get two phones?  I must've taken Rich's phone by accident. Yes, this is Rich's phone.  I was looking at it after dinner.  We have to go back. 

[Note: LG is accustomed to having to return to places shortly after we've left]


When we got back, Rich was waiting in his garage for the safe return of his kidnapped iPhone (which, LG believes, was issued by his employer and, even if not, is certainly critical to Rich's work.)

Mrs. LG, in order to be a wise-ass (she comes by that on her own, don't look at LG...seriously), said to Rich "Can I just hold onto it for a few days, I'd like to try it out to see if I like this new 4S phone." 

Rich, as you'd expect, was a incredulous and quickly explained that he needed the phone for work and couldn't loan it to Mrs. LG, even just for a few days.

All true.  

SECOND, LG is not in the business of shilling (not for others that is; certainly he shills for himself and The LG Report), but he has a piece of information that he feels he must pass on.

LG's friend Deb left her high-powered job in the financial services field a few years ago to start a business selling "Victory Cakes." These are heavenly creations (the words "cakes," "muffins" and "cupcakes" don't do them justice) based on recipes created by Deb's great grandfather, a master baker who came to the United States from Northern Ireland long ago.  Here's what one looks like close up:

These babies come in many flavors and all are truly scrumptious.  They're moist and flavorful and create an absolute explosion of delight in your mouth.  Honestly.  Victory Cakes make great end-of-year holiday gifts for clients or hard-to-buy-for friends and relatives.  They're also terrific as a desert at holiday parties and family meals. 

Anyway, if you're interested, you can check them out for yourself on the MacDougall's Victory Cakes website by clicking HERE!

Deb wanted to extend a special offer to readers of The LG Report.  Mention The LG Report and you'll get (LG is quoting Deb here so as to not screw it up): "...a free Dassie Traditional Mini MacDougall Victory Cake (Wilbur Chocolate and Butterscotch) with the order of a Petite MacDougall or 1/2 dozen Mini MacDougalls -- plus a free Irish Shamrock Holiday ornament!"

If you're looking for something unique and yummy this holiday season, you can't do better than Irish Victory Cakes.   

THIRD, we're finally at the photo segment.  We've done about three posts in a row with old photos and we still have enough for at least two more posts.  Yes, we like to milk an idea for all it's worth. Here we go:

The original Cabbage Patch Kids are seeing here in a Photoshopped (but pre-Photoshop) picture from the days of old.  Back in 1946, this was an example of cutting-edge graphics.  It would be years before scientists were able to superimpose children's heads onto cucumbers, carrots and stalks of corn.
Here we see the original donor for the Nerd Gene, which was recently mapped along with the rest of man's DNA. This fellow, as you can see, was one of the more smartly dressed crossing guards in all of Nerdlandia.  He was also well prepared for any sudden cresting of rivers with those high pants.


The caption for this photo practically wrote itself: "Oh my oh my, I do hope that one day, 70 years hence, my photo will be ridiculed on something called a 'blog' which can be read and enjoyed by people all over the world after Al Gore invents the internet.  And I wonder if science will ever solve the mystery of how my hair became the darkest thing every photographed on Earth up to this point."  

There you have it folks, another posting in the books.  More old photos coming soon, stop back when you get a chance!

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

And More Old Photos...

OK folks, still more antique photos from the recent thrift shop excursion:

The suggested captions here: 

1. "I hope people will know in 80 years that here during the Great Depression we had to sell the bottom third of our ties to buy food." 

2.  "I can't wait for 'Dancing With The Stars" to be invented, we're gonna kick ass!"

3. Man: "What looks more ridiculous honey, my tie, my hair or my belt buckle?"  Woman: "You forgot your pants.  When is the river expected to crest? Are those shorts that were let down?  When did Danny DeVito lend you his trousers?"

And our other photo for today:
1. John Discorelli, inventor of the Disco Dance Ball, poses with his new creation in 1952 beside his son and daughter. The original concept of mounting it on a front lawn and doing a square dance around it was later changed to hanging it from the ceiling in a darkened nightclub. 

2.  Two men enjoy their seats while a young girl stands in the hot sun during the inaugural meeting of the "He-Man Women Haters Club."  The girl grew up to be Lorena Bobbit. 

3. Three residents of Roswell, New Mexico examine a strange egg that fell onto their front lawn from a UFO in 1947.  The three were later found dead in a local stream.  Michael Jackson bought the egg in 2003 and displayed it in his home next to the Elephant Man's genitals (not as big as you'd think).

  There you have it folks.  We still have some more antique photos in the vault, so check back again soon! 

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Our Next Antique Photo...

First, LG would like to thank everyone who voted for his entry in USA Today's Cartoon Caption Contest for November.  Your kind support resulted in LG winning the contest (The prize: A copy of the cartoon autographed by the artist with LG's caption under it.)  LG very much appreciated your help!

Second, speaking of captions, here's the next installment in The LG Report's ongoing series of photos recently purchased at an antique store/thrift shop.

Some potential captions for this dandy snapshot:

1.  The world's first torso implant recipient poses with his older sister in 1948 while awaiting a torso from Canada.  (Editor's note: Canada always makes things funnier.)

2. This boy is pictured asking his sister, "Do my stomach and chest look non-existent in this outfit?

3. This little boy is thinking "With these ridiculous, over-sized pants, nobody will even realize that I'm wearing grandma's sweater!"

4.  A girl realizes early in life that her parents don't really like face.  All of her childhood photos look like this.

5. Pictured here is Waldo McGuillicuddy, inventor of the tricycle with the build-in fishing reel on the handlebars.  Unfortunately, Waldo died in a tragic 1952 fishing/cycling accident.  Folks, please don't fish and drive!

6. Young Danny DeVito, seen here, would eventually grow into these pants and wear them quite successfully in the film "Romancing the Stone."  

If you'd like to suggest your own caption, feel free to provide it in a comment to this post.  Or just provide a comment in a comment. Or just enjoy the post silently without commenting; it's totally up to you.

Finally, we leave you with some of LG's November Facebook status updates:

I knew I shouldn't have bought my GPS at the Dollar General. Yesterday it said "Stop being a typical man and just pull over and ask directions."

Getting a bit nervous. My GPS just said "Make a right at Washington Street and then lock your doors."

People are worried about 2012 because the Mayan calendar predicts the end of the world on December 21" 2012. Relax folks, the Mayans also predicted that Facebook would merge with Yahoo in 2009 and that "Barack Obana" (they misspelled his name) would be elected president in 2004. So they were obviously way off on their prognostications. Mellow out!

My wife said that I'm spending too much time on the internet. I said "LOL!" and then I "un-liked" her comment.

If I were at a class reunion and the guys from Steely Dan showed up, I'd say (quite loudly) "I thought you weren't going back to your old school!" That would show them. [Editor's Note: If you're unfamiliar with the song, you can here it by clicking HERE.]

Who anointed "sliced bread" as the greatest thing ever at one point in time? Regardless, I'm going to buy my wife sliced bread for her next birthday and when she complains I'll just say "Hey, it was the greatest thing ever at one time, it can't be all that bad now. Happy birthday!"

Thanks, as always, for stopping by folks, we hope to see you back again soon. 

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Another Old Photograph...

As LG mentioned in the last post, he recently purchased some vintage photos at a second-hand shop.  This is the second in our on-going series of  "Snarky Captions for Old Photos" (we reserve the right to change that title at any time however...)

So here's #2:

Potential captions for this one:

1. A young Jeffrey Dahmer foreshadows what would be his hobby later in life;

2. At least he's not choking his chicken;

3. The only known childhood photo of Albert DiSalvo, aka "The Boston Strangler;"

4. This kid looks pretty calm but his kitten looks all choked up;

5. The kitten didn't need that neck anyway;

6.  Little did this kid know that 50 years later, people would be making fun of his photo on something called "a blog."  If he did, he'd have choked the shiiite out of us long ago; and

7.  A rare childhood photo of the founder of the ASPCA!

OK, that's it for today folks, short and sweet.  Oh yeah, and if you haven't voted yet, please throw your support behind LG's entry in this month's USA Today Cartoon Caption Contest. Please click HERE and vote for entry #2.  LG would be most grateful.  It only takes a few seconds and they don't ask for your e-mail address or any personal information and you don't have to set up an account.

See you back here again soon for the next vintage photo....

And happy Thanksgiving everyone, we all have a lot to be thankful for, no doubt. 

Monday, November 21, 2011

A Few Things To Discuss....

Thanks for stopping by again folks, much appreciated.  LG knows that you have a lot of demands on your time on a daily basis and he thanks you for checking in once in a while over here at The LG Report. Muchos gracias.

First item of business today - In case you haven't seen it, here's this week's cover of People Magazine:

Yes, it's true.  True-ish anyway.  Don't burst a guy's bubble, just go with it.

Second, LG entered USA Today's Cartoon Caption Contest this month.  The newspaper supplies a cartoon and contestants supply the caption.  LG's entry, #2 on your scorecard, is one of the five finalists for the month. 

If you have a few spare seconds to support LG's effort (you don't have to give your e-mail address, consent to access to your address book or hand over your first-born, all you have to do is click on your choice), please click HERE and vote for #2.  LG would very much appreciate it.

Third, LG was in a second-hand store this past weekend with Mrs. LG and he came across a bunch of old photographs that were salvaged from various estate sales.  LG purchased a number of these photos (some are pretty old) and he will be publishing them one-at-a-time on The LG Report over the next week or so.  Here's the first:

It appears a little blurry here, only because it's a little blurry in real life.  Hey, what do you expect from a really old thrift-shop-estate-sale photo? 

This depicts, LG thinks, a housewife mowing the lawn with a really old-style-and-hard-to-push mower while wearing fashionable (for the times) shoes. 

Why this woman would pose for such a photo, we have no idea.  Why this picture ended up in an estate sale we know: She murdered her husband shortly after the picture was taken.  And at least her face is not identifiable.  What a cad this guy must've been! [LG knows all the right things to say to suck up to his female readers...]

That's it for today folks.  There's another antique photo coming soon, so check back (short posts, easy to read, who can resist?!)  And please remember to vote for LG's caption; if he wins, there will be a blog post about it, no doubt.  Thanks!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

It's Not Greek To Me

[Editor's Note: This is a reprint of an article written by LG that appeared in the Asbury Park Press  on Sunday, November 13, 2011.  That version did not contain these photos.  Only the best for readers of The LG Report!]

I'm not an economist (who would admit to that these days even if they were?) but as a Greek-American, I have my own layman's explanation of the economic crisis in Greece.  It centers on a dearth of tax revenue.  But first, my qualifications:  My father was born and raised on Andros, the northernmost of Greece's Cycladic Islands.  I've been to Greece many times, including recently on my honeymoon.  I speak enough of the language to get by, I have plenty of Greek friends and relatives, I saw My Big Fat Greek Wedding, twice, and I love betting on horse races.   Oh, and perhaps my most conspicuous Greek badge of honor: I grew up washing dishes in my father's New Jersey diners.   

So here's my back-of-the-envelope analysis.  No need to break out your calculator to follow along.

Not paying taxes has long been a national pastime among Greece's citizenry.  It was not uncommon in the Old Country, years ago, to pay for a purchase in a store without having the transaction rung up on a cash register.  Absent a receipt, the government had no way of knowing that a tax should be collected.  Many times, I'm sure, it merely slipped the merchant's mind to report the income.  After all, he had other things to think about, such as who was looking good in the sixth race that day (most Greeks like to gamble) and what the line was on his favorite soccer team.  

In order to address this widespread duplicity in the sales tax system, Greece passed a law requiring consumers to obtain a receipt for their purchases.  The government now dispatches tax agents to patrol shopping districts, randomly stopping patrons and demanding that they fork over receipts for any purchases in their bags.  Failure to produce a receipt can result in a costly fine.  Thus, consumers have become, functionally, the taxing authority's enforcement arm.  In theory, this should have mitigated at least part of the problem, but I'm not so sure; what's to prevent merchants from simply having two separate cash registers?  As we all know, just about any compliance system can be easily defeated if the human mind is earnestly set to the task. 

My Aunt Rita, who lived in the United States for close to 50 years before retiring back to Greece, recently needed some carpentry work done in an apartment she owns in Athens.  She found a tradesman who said that he would do the work for 300 Euros.  When Aunt Rita mentioned that she wanted a receipt for her taxes, Carpenter Costas informed her that the price would be increased to 347 Euros.  If Aunt Rita was going to report the transaction, he was going to have to do the same, hence his 15% price hike — effectively, a penalty on Aunt Rita for following the law.  In the normal course of his work, Carpenter Costas just assumed that there would be no reporting to the government and no payment of taxes.  Multiply this by the number of transactions that arise among a populace of about ten million people, and Greece's lack of tax revenues comes into sharp focus.

While many Greek citizens (although certainly not all) appear to believe in their right to avoid paying taxes, they also seem to overlook the logical disconnect with their sense of entitlement to extensive government employment opportunities, full pensions and a litany of other state-provided benefits.  Apparently, these perks should be funded by the taxes of the other guy.  Running from the tax collector may have well been the first Olympic sport.

When I first started going to Greece in the 1980s, I was struck by the apparent religious devotion of the Greek people.  Everywhere I looked, especially on the islands, I'd see little white chapels standing as monuments to the populace's piety.  In many instances, a small house of worship, not capable of accommodating more than six or eight congregants, would stand alone near the top of a steep mountainside, without so much as a single access road in sight.  I'd just shake my head and say to myself, "Wow, what devotion!" 

Then, on perhaps my fourth or fifth visit to Greece, I said to my Uncle Leo (Aunt Rita's husband), "It's really impressive how devoted to God the people are here.  They build churches almost everywhere."  

A savvy businessman who had run a thriving construction company in America, Uncle Leo quickly set me straight. "Hey, Vlaka [which translates to "stupid" in English], don't you know why they do that? Everyone builds a church on their property here so they can get a tax break."   

Aha!  An epiphany, although not of the religious variety.  More tax avoidance.  Perhaps now those ornamental tax deductions on the mountainsides are finally filling up  ̶  with Greeks praying for a way out of their dire economic situation. 

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Not Bossy and Not Betty

Those of you who blog, probably the majority of The LG Report’s readers, know that blogging is somewhat of a sub-culture.    

One way to obtain readers (or “followers”) for your blog is to read, comment upon and sign up to follow other people’s blogs.  If someone reads and comments upon your blog, it’s considered proper cyber etiquette to read and comment upon theirs.  You show me yours, I’ll show you mine (but not behind the shed this time folks, keep it clean…)

As you wade into the roiling waters of this sub-culture, you begin to feel as if you personally know the individuals who share their lives and worldviews with you on a regular basis. 

LG, for example, has come to “know” such wonderful and diverse people as Eva in Maine, Pearl in Minnesota, Kate in Arizona (although a Minnesotan at heart), Susan in the Boonies, KKelley (no, not a typo) in Texas, Linda in Arkansas, Carol in England, Fishducky in California, Sandra in Canada, Abe in Utah, Katie in Los Angeles, Desiree in South Africa, Bouncin’ Barb in South Carolina, Becky in California, Linda in South Africa, Rodney in New Hampshire, Karen in Mizzou and a few others whom LG will purposely skip in order to provoke them into posting an angry comment about the glaring omission (Admission: LG is just a comment whore in the brothel of the blogosphere.)

Until recently, LG had not met any of these fine folks in the flesh; they’ve all been merely virtual “buddies.”  Sort of like your Facebook friends, only even more distant and superficial, if you can believe that.  And LG knows you can. 

LG has just returned from a trip to the Left Coast with Mrs. LG.  He waited until now to tell you so that you wouldn’t burgle his house – not all readers are “friends.” Here's a picture from the balcony of LG and Mrs. LG's hotel room in California: 

Pretty sweet, no?  TRUE STORY: Years ago, LG stayed at this hotel on a business trip with a married colleague.  When his wife called him the day before he was to fly home, she asked if he missed her and the kids.  "Not really," he said, "I love this hotel and wish I could stay longer."  Yes, absolutely true. Luckily, frying pans and rolling pins do not travel through phone lines. 

Anyway, back to the original point.  During this trip LG and Mrs. LG made live, in-the-flesh contact with none other than Bossy Betty, author of a truly exceptional blog which can be found by clicking HERE!.   

Also, for those interested, you can flashback to The LG Report’s interview with Bossy Betty by clicking HERE!.

Yes, all the exclamation points are necessary.  Please don't ask again.

LG reads Bossy Betty’s blog as regularly as he reads any.  It’s exceedingly well-written and, in turns, funny and poignant.  She also shows off her immense talent as a photographer and, occasionally, sprinkles a bit of culture on the unwashed masses with a poem or two.  And not the kind that begin with “There once was a man from Nantucket...” [Which, as you might guess, is LG’s favorite opening line…hey, you can’t polish a turd.]

Bossy Betty [Note: Not her real name.  LG will not betray her confidence, however, so we’ll use the pseudonym here] has been facing some daunting personal challenges as of late, which LG first learned by reading her blog.  Bossy seemed a bit down-in-the-dumps (which is usually where LG does his clothes shopping), so when LG learned that he’d be going to California for a business trip, he e-mailed Bossy and made the audacious proposal that Bossy join LG and Mrs. LG for a meal on a Sunday.  In an equally audacious manner, Bossy accepted.   

And she didn’t even try to dictate the meeting spot.  Bossy, she wasn’t. 

So we met.  And had a truly enjoyable brunch.  Or lunch.  LG is never clear as to how to classify that meal.  His rule of thumb: “brunch” is simply "lunch" on a weekend.  Although shouldn't it then be called "w-lunch?"  Feel free to be the first to popularize the word "w-lunch" in your town, no need to even footnote LG.   You're welcome.     

Bossy Betty was witty and engaging and LG and Mrs. LG thoroughly enjoyed themselves.  LG found Bossy to be somewhat as he’d imagined, but not exactly.  Besides not being bossy in the least, she was exceedingly nice.  And fun. And funny.  She also gave LG and Mrs. LG some very cool greeting cards adorned with her stunning original photography. 

So there’s a lesson to be learned here kids, although LG is not certain that he can articulate it succinctly.  Perhaps it’s this:  Don’t be afraid to take some chances by, for example, meeting in-person your heretofore imaginary cyber friends, it might turn out far better than you’d expect.   

Bossy Betty, for one, is a delight.  However, LG can’t yet speak for all of those other characters set forth in the list above, you might have to meet them for w-lunch to decide for yourself. 

Here's a picture of Bossy Betty and LG after brunch/w-lunch.  LG still has some of his prison work-release clothing, hence the orange shirt.

As always, thanks for stopping by, hope to see you back again soon!

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Geography... As Taught By The LG Report!

It has recently come to the attention of The LG Report that the American public in general, and readers of The LG Report in particular, need to brush up on their geography knowledge [although, make no mistake, readers of The LG Report are far smarter than the average person.]

So let's get started.  Grab your assigned seat, leave your gift of an Apple (iPad) on the teacher's desk, and prepare to get your learn on.  No dipping pony tails in the official HP ink cartridges (they cost $45 each).

This is Nigeria. It's in Africa.  The retirement funds of a lot of American people are in Nigeria at the moment, although not many Americans are with them.  If you're currently awaiting a large inheritance from a previously-unknown Nigerian relative, please consider investing in The LG Report's upcoming IPO. We promise to use proper English when soliciting your money.

This is France. The French don't like you. They don't even like you looking at a map of their perfect country.  Get your dirty, hairy, low-class American eyeballs off this map.  Move it along before we call a gendarme...

This is China. Everything that's touching your body right now was made in China.  Everything that you buy in the next year will be from China.  If you adopt a child, he or she will be Chinese.  The next take-out food you order will be Chinese.  In fact, this caption was written by an outsourced Chinese freelance writer (which explains why it's not that funny; he was intentionally holding back to protect his country.)

 This is Greece.  

This is Mexico. Just looking at a photo of it is dangerous. 

This is an aerial view of Canada, as seen from NASA's American-made Pioneer YRT-983 satellite. Yes, we just made up that satellite designation, but Canadians won't know.  However, that's really how Canada looks from outer space.  The Canadian capital city, North Pole, is designated by the puck.  Not visible:  All the igloos.

This was really the only photo to represent Sweden that we could find.  Seriously. 

This is Florida.  Designated in green, orange and yellow are the counties where the majority of residents are slow-driving, early-buffet-arriving, government-complaining, blue-haired retirees from Up North.  Don't laugh, you'll live here for part of the year some day.

That's it folks, today's geography lesson from The LG Report.  We hope that we didn't offend anyone, but if you're actually annoyed by something on this blog, you need to reassess your emotional stability.  Or just move to Florida now. 

We hope to see you back here again soon!

Monday, October 31, 2011

Mixed Bag

 LG has not been posting much lately, as you may have noticed.  A bunch of things have been going on, including snow, blackouts and work issues, plus, LG is losing some of his blogging momentum.  We'll see how it goes ... In the meantime, here's a photo from LG's trip, currently in progress, to Southern California. 
As you can see, the airlines are not only cheaping put these days by charging for checked luggage and on-board meals, but they're also flying closer to the ground to save gas.  This was while we were flying over Denver's airport on our way to San Diego.
Now on to some recent Facebook postings. Only the highlights (yes, there were plenty even less funny than these!)
This is how bad the economy is these days: Went to see a filming of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" yesterday and learned that they've now changed the name to "Who Wants Extra Foodstamps?" Seriously.
"Slow Down" traffic signs annoy me. How do they know how fast you're going in the first place? They don't. To make my point, I always slow down to 1 mile-per-hour whenever I see one of those signs. I think the people behind me support my principled stand because they always honk their support enthusiastically. Some even give the bird to the sign.
Man, I'm tired today. I was at a three-way last night, it was wild.

The people at the other two stop signs almost collided, neither stopped fully. It was crazy, nearly a huge wreck. I was talking about a three-way stop intersection, of course. What did you think?!
When you think about it, the name "Pottery Barn" makes no sense. When was the last time you heard someone say "That's like closing the barn door after the pottery gets out?"
This is going too far now. A bunch of pre-schoolers in my town are mad at the new PBS schedule of shows, so they've started an "Occupy Sesame Street" movement.
Steven Seagal is going to patrol the U.S. - Mexico border (see He'll do a great job of keeping illegals out of our country if he uses the same acting skills that help him keep people out of theaters. 
 As always, thanks for stopping by!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

THE LGR Interviews Bouncin' Barb!

[Editor's Note: Yes, the exclamation point was necessary.] 

Today, The LG Report heads down to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina to interview the incomparable Barb of  This & That (As I Bounce Thru Life) .  Barb writes a delightfully entertaining blog from the point of view of a lifelong Northerner (she moved to South Carolina from Connecticut three years ago) who now finds herself in the warmer and easier-going environment of the South.  Click her blog title above to be transported to her unique world. 

The LG Report recently sat down with Bouncin' Barb over a plate of crawdads to find out what makes her tick.  Well, not really, we just asked our usual inane questions, but that sounded good.  Anyway, strap yourself in, here we go:

The LG Report:  Barb, let's address the elephant(s) in the room right off the bat...your nickname is "Bouncin' Barb," obviously because of your bouncy and buoyant personality, correct?

Bouncin' Barb:   Yeah Right!  Bouncy and buoyant but not quite about the personality.  I wrote a post about how I got my nickname.  Click Here to read it.  

The LG Report:  OK, now that I've come off seeming like a sensitive and in-touch-with-his-emotions type of guy, let's really address the elephant -- Do they ever give you black eyes when you run or walk fast?  

Bouncin' Barb:  No, but I have caused a few fender benders when I used to powerwalk!!

The LG Report:   Sorry, that was a piggish question.  We assume they're real.  How do you hold them up, is there steel reinforcement or something? 

Bouncin' Barb:  I must confess that I have never been fond of anything that is restrictive so I let ‘em loose.  At 50 years old I still look pretty good. 

The LG Report:  Sorry, sorry, this is wrong, we can't stay focused on just one specific physical characteristic, albeit a superlative one, of you.  You are a well-rounded, complex human being with a wide variety of fascinating aspects to your being.  Let's move on to something more substantial, you've already kept us abreast of developments on that other topic. 

OK, what's the cup size.  We promise, we'll move on after this one....

Bouncin' Barb:  I’m a proud D cup and yes I am a well rounded individual.  Especially with what is “behind” me.  When I was younger I would have put JLo to shame.

The LG Report:  So we're told by your media relations people that you grew up in New Jersey.  Probably the best state that there is.  What's the best thing about New Jersey in your view (viewing it over those two bouncing orbs, that is...)  

Bouncin' Barb:  I did grow up there.  I left there for a year to run wild out in Idaho but returned for a few more years.  I was fortunate to grow up in the more rural area of the state but it was turning into a concrete jungle after awhile.  I still say “cawfee”, “dawg”, and “oh my gawd”.  That always gets a laugh especially down south.  However, growing up in Jersey did teach me how to be a true Joisey Girl and not take crap from anyone!

The LG Report:  And then you spent time living in Connecticut.  We assume not at the Women's Federal Correctional Facility in Danbury.  Not that we're interested in or obsessed with women's prisons.  So, did you live near Danbury?

Bouncin' Barb:  Fortunately no.  Danbury is too close to New York.  I lived in the Hartford area.  The insurance capital of the world. 

The LG Report:  What was the best thing about living in Connecticut and if it was so great, why did you leave?  Sorry to put you in the hot and bouncy seat here.

Bouncin' Barb:  I loved CT because it was as New England as I had imagined.  And the casinos were so much fun. The schools were great for my son even though he hated school.  My late hubby was from there originally so we moved back to be near his children as well.  After he passed away I eventually moved down south to get away from the freezing cold and snow.  Lately it’s cold up till May in CT.

The LG Report:   We know that you moved to South Carolina to buy fireworks.  What's it like living in the South after growing up in the Northeast?  Do you ever find yourself missing the ice and snow and cold and traffic and crime and dirt and....

Bouncin' Barb:  You’ve been misinformed.  I didn’t move for the fireworks.  I moved for the warm sunny beaches. And I don’t miss anything about CT except for my son, step kids and grandkids.  It is pretty hot and steamy here so sitting on the beach or dipping in the ocean is amazing. 

The LG Report:  What's your favorite topic to blog about and why? 

Bouncin' Barb:  I love to tell stories of my very colorful life.  My followers ask for more so I have to provide them with what they want.  Let’s just say I can’t run for public office!  But I also like to write about my late hubby because he was so awesome.  He was much older than me so he would tell people he raised me.  He kind of did.  He had a great sense of humor.  He had to if he married me.

The LG Report:  Please provide us with a link to one or two of your personal favorite postings on your blog. 

The LG Report: We know that you've put a person's cremated remains in a Zip-loc baggie.  That's rather unorthodox.  Can you give us any other examples of wacky things you've done which would cause us to cross the street to walk on the other side when we see you coming?

Bouncin' Barb:  Sometimes I have issues with my left and rights.  I was once giving directions from the passenger seat to a friend’s house.  I said at the next stop, turn right and pointed with my hand.   Right?  Yes I said.  Right here?  Again I said yes getting aggravated.  Right here once more?    Turns out I used my left hand to point to the left while saying turn right.  So you could say that you might want to cross to the other side of the road if you see me coming. 

The LG Report:  It's widely reported in People Magazine, US Weekly and O, the Oprah Magazine, that you and Sandra of Absolutely Narcissism  (live link there) are having an international blogging affair.  A more piggish man than LG would say "Can we watch?"  As a refined blogger, LG will pass on that.  Who is going to eventually move, you to Canada or her to South Carolina and how will that work out?

Bouncin' Barb: I had to ask Sandra for her input here because we have that kind of considerate love for each other. 

Her reply: I will move.  I’m a heat know, the sun.  I love the sun…what did you think I meant by heat seeker?

My reply:  She’s got to move here to the south.  Have you seen her in a bikini?  We have beach weather for 7 months a year here.

The LG Report:  If you and Sandra were to co-write a blog, what would it's name be?

Bouncin' Barb:  We will have to keep that secret until we released the blog. But it would be good, I can promise you that.

The LG Report:  What's your position on the debt ceiling?

Bouncin' Barb:   I’m sorry.  The only time I’ve had a position on the ceiling is when there was a mirror above the bed. 

The LG Report:  Can they talk?  Sorry, that was uncalled for.  Let's move on to a different question.  I need to start looking up at your face.  Myrtle Beach is a tourist mecca, known for it's variety of interesting activities, including golf.  Given the array of attractions in the area, we have to ask: Do you work at the Master's Strip Club? If so, can you get LG's friends free passes.  These would not be for LG of course, but for his unnamed friends. 

Bouncin' Barb:  I’m sorry but I am currently out of commission.  However I have a lifetime pass at Mount Atlanticus Mini Golf in Myrtle Beach and my picture in a bathing suit is on their wall of fame.  You and your friends can go there to see me.  I made an incredible hole in one on the 19th hole that was so difficult even seasoned golfers couldn’t make it.

The LG Report: What do you think of the tourists who overwhelm Myrtle Beach? 

Bouncin' Barb:  Most of them are true rednecks who come out of the mountains every summer to see the beach.  You can have a field day people watching here. 

The LG Report:  Who would play you in the movie "Bouncin' Barb's Life Story?"  LG sees Pamela Anderson but you may have a better choice. 

Bouncin' Barb:  Pam’s were bought and paid for.  Mine are the real thing.  So I’m thinking since most of Hollywood’s women are siliconed, I’d have to play myself.

The LG Report:  Barb, it's been a true pleasure interviewing you today.  Any parting thoughts for our readers?

Bouncin' Barb:  Yes.  Live life to the fullest.  It’s way too short.

That's a wrap folks, our interview with the fabulous Bouncin' Barb has come to an end.  Check out her blog when you get a chance, she's very entertaining and well worth your time. 

See you back here again soon!

Monday, October 17, 2011

The LG Report Interviews Carol, Author of "Mini Skirts and Laughter Lines"


LG doesn't want to belabor this point, so let's get right to it: Carol's book "Mini Skirts and Laughter Lines"   is AWESOME!  The book is probably aimed mostly at women, but LG, as a man, read it from cover to cover and LOVED IT.  Order it now (click on the book's title above to bring you to the link, which will allow you to order it) and you will be very happy to have done so.

OK,  on to the next order of business, here's LG's interview with Carol.  Enjoy: 


The LG Report:  Carol, thanks for stopping by today for this interview.  We know your schedule has been very busy since the publication of your fabulous new book and all of its attendant success.  We're glad to see that none of this has gone to your head.  By the way, would you please ask your three bodyguards to sit down now, they're making us nervous with those guns pointed at us. 

So, first question: How many of the incidents in this book were based on your real life on a scale of 0% to 100%?   100% being the highest, in case you're not good at math.

Famous Author Carol:  Sorry who are you again? Aren’t I supposed to be answering questions for Jay Leno? Ah well, never mind, you look nicer than him, but do please hurry up with the questions. I have a ten-fifteen slot with Oprah and CNN want me to front their news programme tonight because I have a nice British accent.

Now, question one – I have to be careful with this answer as I have made a major disclaimer in the front of the book that all the work and all of the characters are fictional so I can’t give away too much. Between you and me though, at least (cough, cough, cough) percent are true.

The LG Report:  Have you ever had a former lover contact you in real life and, if so, did you meet up with him?  Please provide salacious details, you know that nobody really reads The LG Report.

Famous Author Carol:  I’m guessing I can’t use the coughing answer again on this one. Yes, I have. In fact I have had three former boyfriends contact me on the internet but about a hundred years has gone by since we last met so it wouldn’t be wise to rekindle any relationship and meet up. I saw the photographs of one of them and I think he has had a sex change. He’s now called Toni with an ‘i’ instead of Tony and likes wearing bright pink lycra leggings. I have a horrible feeling that I might have caused some irreparable damage to him when we split up. Another is married to a wrestler, has four children and works as an accountant and the third is Todd Bradshaw!

The LG Report:  Why did you choose the title "Gone with the Wind" for your book?  Oh, wait, sorry, your book is "Mini Skirts and Laughter Lines."  Sorry for the confusion, we had schedule an interview with Margaret Mitchell until we realized that she's dead.  So, back to your book, how did  you settle upon the title?

Famous Author Carol:  I needed something punchy that would convey the sense of fun in the book. I wrote out a list of about twenty titles and asked friends to choose their favourite title then ripped them all up and chose this one which came to me at three o’clock on the morning I needed to send my script to the publisher. My husband wanted me to call it ‘Fifty not Out’ But since there isn’t one reference to cricket I didn’t think that would work.

The LG Report:  Describe your writing process to us, but keep it non-boring if possible.  We're already getting sleepy and you haven't even started to speak...

Famous Author Carol:  My brain fires up, my fingers whir over the keyboard and after about fifteen hours during which time I forget to eat, cook, clean the house, or go to the bathroom my husband tells me off for ignoring him all day and complains that I am keeping him awake with the clatter of keyboard strokes. I then spend every night for the next three months in a sleepless fog, type all night and behave like a zombie housewife all day.

The LG Report:  How did your husband and son feel about their sort-of portrayal in the book?  Did they feel the portrayal was a betrayal?  We only asked that second question because it was a nifty rhyme, feel free to disregard if you don't like answering nonsensical questions.

Famous Author Carol:  Hubby refuses to read it. He’s frightened that I might have put something about him in it - as if I would!
Son loved it and made all his work colleagues buy a copy which he signed as ‘Tom’. By the way I love the nifty rhyming question – are you going to try that technique in your new insurance book.?

The LG Report:  What is J.K. Rowling like?  We assume you that famous female U.K.-based authoresses get together for tea all the time. 

Famous Author Carol:  She’s a very cool dude…hangs out with some strange sorts though – they seem to be mini Goths in cloaks - and she has a weird habit of bringing owls to the tearoom.

The LG Report:  You use a lot of words which American readers aren't familiar with, such as "chuffed," "chuntered" and "tannoy system" to name a few (they may not be spelled exactly correct, since LG doesn't have his copy of the book at the moment, Mrs. LG has it somewhere.)  We consider that part of the charm of the book.  There's not really a question here so let's try to make one anyway:  What's your favorite scene in the book?

Famous Author Carol:  Ah, the diversity of the British language! I find some of its words, like ‘chunter’, ‘snogging’ and ‘barmcake’ always make me smile. That isn’t really an answer, is it?

My favourite scene is the ending where beautiful, smart and enchanting Anna has an affair and ends up throwing herself under a train, all because Victorian society said it was OK for a man to cheat, but not a woman...hang on did I write that one?

Gosh, I can’t really answer the question because in truth I haven’t read Mini Skirts and Laughter Lines.

The LG Report:  Tell the truth now: Were you mentally picturing LG in your mind as the inspiration for Todd Bradshaw, the dreamy ex-boyfriend?  If you say "no" this interview will not get published, but feel free to answer truthfully.

Famous Author Carol:  If I answer yes, Mrs LG will come over here and practice her judo moves on me so I’m ‘taking the fifth’ on this question.

The LG Report:  Do you like to garden as much as Amanda Wilson, the main character in the book?  And, if so, have you won any prizes for gardening?  What's your favorite thing to grow?

Famous Author Carol:  (Splutters her chilled Chablis over the table at this question) I am to gardening what Lady Gaga is to modesty. I can’t tell the difference between a plant and a weed. As long as it produces some sort of colour it gets to live in my garden. The wild rabbits have sorted out the garden layout now though – it seems to consist of some grass and lots of holes.

The LG Report:  If you could now go back and change any one thing about the book, what would it be?

Famous Author Carol:  Phil would murder Amanda and run off with Todd.

The LG Report:  When the movie gets made, do you see LG starring in the role of Todd Bradshaw or would you prefer a close substitute for LG, say George Clooney or Brad Pitt? 

Famous Author Carol:  I think you would make a fabulous Todd: suntanned, worldly, engaging and very wealthy. As long as you can do your own stunts and wear tight Speedos I see no reason why you couldn’t play the role.

The LG Report:  What real-life actress do you envision playing Amanda Wilson?  We're thinking maybe Diane Lane or Meryl Streep.  Your thoughts?

Famous Author Carol:  I favour the actress who played Bridget Jones – Renee Zellweger or maybe we could ask Madonna to make another movie appearance. She’d look good in the thigh length boots and thong section. Hubby said Cameron Diaz because he rather likes her, so definitely not Cameron Diaz.

The LG Report:  Are you working on a sequel yet?  If not, another book?  If so, please give us a brief synopsis to whet our appetite and let us know when you expect that it will be released.  

Famous Author Carol:  The next book will be called Surfing in Stilettos.
Amanda will be back, along with her mother who has now discovered Skype and has set in the fashion industry with Grego and Spencer.  Their retro clothing is hitting Europe by storm, as is her mother who has taken partying to a whole new level.

There are some familiar characters and also new characters including Bibi, a French woman whose husband is having a string of affairs but who has a refreshing approach to his infidelity and ageing.

Amanda is enjoying her on-line life and is making many friends but behind all the frivolity, looming in the background, is a shadowy sinister figure who becomes obsessed with Amanda.

The LG Report: In your wildest dreams, while you were writing "Mini Skirts and Laughter Lines," did you ever expect that you would achieve so much success as to be interviewed by The LG Report?  Be honest.

Famous Author Carol:  I really didn’t expect that I would shoot to such dizzy heights. Jay, I can’t tell you how much it has meant to be on your show. I have been a big fan of yours Mr Leno, for so long and to meet you in the flesh has been a privilege.
So that's the interview. It would be really hard to explain how entertaining Carol's book and blog are, but you might get the drift. (click on this link to get to Carol's blog:  Facing50WithHumour It's all very fun and entertaining. and LG recommends that you check it out ASAP!  And come back again soon, we have some more fun stuff planned...