The LG Report 50-State Interview Series continues to roll on, this time to meet up with the incomparable Bossy Betty, author of her EPONYMOUS BLOG (Worde to the wise: click there to find the blog before Bossy Betty orders you to do so), which is extremely witty and well-written. It also frequently contains stunning photographs. Bossy Betty will be representing the great state of Kansas.
[No Betty, I won't sit over there, I'm fine right here. Yes Betty, I'll get you a bottle of Evian, just wait one second. Yes Betty, I'll speak clearly. No Betty, I promise, I won't run a video of this on YouTube. OK, we have to get to the questions now...]
In the interest of full disclosure, we should reveal that Bossy Betty doesn't actually live in Kansas anymore, but she did grow up there and, in our opinion, is a great spokesperson for her home state. We tried to get a current resident of Kansas to speak with us, but both of them were working the fields when we called.
Bossy Betty currently lives in that paradise/den of iniquity/home of great weather/overcrowded Hell-Hole known as Southern California. We may sprinkle some SoCal questions in just to keep Bossy Betty on her toes.
So here we go.
The LG Report: How did you get the nickname "Bossy Betty?" And can you provide some examples of you at your bossiest?
Bossy Betty: First of all, I would like to say that despite this hideously uncomfortable chair and this lukewarm, nearly-expired bottle of Evian, and your obvious lack of knowledge of the social benefits of breath mints, I am happy to be here. I really don’t remember what your first nonsensical question was, so let’s continue this ordeal while I am still mildly interested.
|Notice the heavy Kansas traffic in the background.|
Bossy Betty: Sir, I resent your implication that 1) I “left” the Sunflower State. Though I am no longer physically present there, a part of my heart will always be embedded in the Harney Silt Loam (the state soil of Kansas.)
2) The nickname “The Sunflower State” is not, as you so eloquently stated, “lame-o.” It has style. It has alliteration. It has five syllables.
And, by the way, just what is the name of your blog again? Hummmmm? Do you really think you should be throwing stones? Really?
The LG Report: What was the single best thing, and the single worst thing, about growing up in Kansas? Please do not mention Dorothy or Toto in your answer.
The tornadoes that occasionally came, wreaking havoc and destruction may have also tinted Betty’s personality a tad. The weather in Kansas is a great example for those who want to incorporate mood swings into the fabric of their personalities.
The LG Report: Does it frost your cake that another state, Arkansas, has your entire home state name embedded in it PLUS two extra letters? What do you make of that?
Bossy Betty: I have never heard of that state and would not endorse, nor acknowledge it if I had.
The LG Report: Bossy Betty, you're a teacher by profession. The National Teachers Hall of Fame (which, by the way, LG thinks is incorrectly punctuated; he believes it should be "National Teachers' Hall of Fame," with the possessive apostrophe, but who is he to correct the teachers?) is located in Emporia, Kansas. You're from Kansas. Coincidence?
Bossy Betty: When children are born in the hospitals in Kansas, a certain percentage are immediately wheeled into separate and special nurseries to begin their lives as teachers.
These babies are selected on the basis of their superior lung capacities and their low-flinch response when markers and erasers are thrown in their direction. They are trained from birth to be members of this hallowed profession.
First grade is the start of their twelve-year apprenticeship which they begin by directing other children on the playground, correcting the work and grammar of other classmates, and charting the behavior of those children they believe may possess criminal tendencies.
These mini-teachers-in-training are, without a doubt, the most popular children in the classes.
|Bossy Betty didn't fall for the decoy "Mountains in Kansas" question.|
Bossy Betty: Because of the extensive training in pencil sharpening and glare-giving that Teacher Babies/Adolescents must go through, I had no time to engage in these hoodlum-attracting activities.
(Even now, my Teacher Training is coming in handy as I simultaneously give you an answer to your question, thereby deceptively “validating” you and your unstable self-esteem without giving any credence to your irrational question meant merely to bait me into a ridiculous response.)
The LG Report: If you look up a list of Kansas landmarks on Wikipedia (not always accurate, we know, but good enough for the low standards of The LG Report), you'll see:
|These unsuspecting tourists are unaware of the dispute.|
Bossy Betty: I have never heard of those other states and would not endorse, nor acknowledge them if I had.
The LG Report: Living in Southern California, we assume you've slept with Charlie Sheen. What was that like?
Bossy Betty: Tiger’s Blood. Adonis DNA. Winning. Duh.
The LG Report: Kansas is known for Leavenworth Prison (technically, United States Penitentiary, Leavenworth), one of the federal prison system's most notorious lock-ups. As a kid growing up in Kansas, it would be only natural that you would have spent some time there, making friends with prisoners, smuggling knives in via your underwear, etc. What was that like?
Bossy Betty: It is a misconception that this prison is in Kansas. If you look carefully on a map, you will see that the squiggly line that marks the northeast border actually dips down into the town of Leavenworth, circles around the prison and draws it in to the state to the east, a state I have never heard of, nor would acknowledge if I had.
The LG Report: If you were charged with creating a new state motto to lure new residents to Kansas, what would it be? Please keep it to 15 words or less, and do not mention Dorothy, Toto or the World's Largest Ball of Twine (obviously, because it's still under dispute.)
Bossy Betty: The current state motto is “Ad astra per aspera” which means “To the Stars Through Difficulties” which bespeaks the immense trials and tribulations of the early settlers and the incredible trauma that “Bloody Kansas” went through before and during the years of the Civil War. However, these days, let’s face it, it sounds like a slogan for an upstart pharmaceutical company.
My suggestion for a new motto is “Many Varieties of Our State Flower Have Centers That Can Be Enjoyed As A Snack Or As A Small Meal.”
The LG Report: Bossy, if I may be so familiar... What's that, I may not? Ok...Bossy Betty...can you give us a link to one or two of your blog posts that would be among your most representative (and enjoyable) for a first-time visitor?
Bossy Betty: Who me? Really? Me? Oh, OK, if you insist.
The LG Report: What topic will we never see you blog on and why?
Bossy Betty: My experience here today. I think you know why.
The LG Report: OK, we'll wrap it up with this question Bossy Betty: Your hubby and two sons, how do they cope with all the bossiness?
|Serve this at 80 degrees and Betty pours it on your head.|
It’s not their fault that they need to spend so much time away from our loving home. Darn World Peace Conference. They always seem busy with it.
Thanks again for stopping by Bossy Betty, it was a very enjoyable experience. And we remind our readers to wander on over to Bossy Betty [live link again] (the blog) to check out some very fun -- and funny -- writing.
Editor's Note: Just as this blog posting was being completed, a number of major news sources revealed that Osama Bin Laden had been killed in Pakistan. Click HERE if you'd like to read some of LG's thoughts about being in downtown Manhattan on September 11, 2001.