Tuesday, May 17, 2011

In case you missed it...

Official symbol of LG's Bachelor Dinner.
Sorry, LG has no pictures from the Bachelor Dinner last Saturday night.  It was tame.  Honestly.  You'd be bored if there were photos.

Below are some status updates from LG's recent Facebook postings.  Since most of you are not LG's Facebook friends, you haven't seen these bon mots.  Those who are, no doubt, will enjoy seeing them again. 

Without further adieu...

Human or "animal companion?"
The PC Police no longer want us to use the word "pet," it's considered offensive to dogs, cats, etc. "Animal Companion" is the proper designation they now say. All these ridiculous PC edicts annoy me, they're really becoming an animal companion peeve of mine.
A number of people have asked Facebook if it would create a special "Lust" button for my comments because they want to do so much more than just "Like" them. I appreciate the support, but Facebook just notified me that it can't be done.
Male ballet dancer.  But you knew that.
I'm on a train to NYC, where there's a major league baseball game tonight, and a number of adult males have come aboard dressed in New York Yankees jerseys. I'd hate to see how they dress when they're going to the ballet.
The world is really getting screwy. Cops raided Larry Flynt's house and found a stash of Korans.
Reality TV has gone too far (again). There's a new dance competition show coming on soon starring Kirstie Alley, Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne Barr. It's called "Dancing With the Planets."
Five frogs are sitting on a log. Four decide to jump off. how many are left? ... Five, because deciding and doing are not the same thing.
Newt dictates his Tweets.
Newt Gingrich just announced via Twitter that he's running for president. That would seem like a really cool, evolved way to make the announcement -- if his first name wasn't "Newt."
A "Mark Zuckerberg" of Facebook's home office (never heard of the guy) called a few minutes ago to ask me to stop posting status updates so frequently because all of the "Likes" that my postings attract are straining the Facebook servers. He says they should have the issue resolved by May 21st, which, coincidentally, is when the world is scheduled to end.
Coming soon to a concert hall near you.
These corporate sponsorship deals are getting ridiculous. I just heard that Wu-Tang Clan is now Wu-Ovaltine Clan.
Breaking News: Apparently Bin Laden chose his hideout city because he was a big fan of Abbott and Costello.
The U.S. military is recruiting very boring people who tell dull stories in a monotone voice. Why? They want to use them in drone attacks.
I'm the last guy to brag, as you know, but I'm pretty pleased that even strangers in Africa have heard that I'm an honorable man who can be trusted with large sums of money.
That's about $24 of wampum right there...
Native Americans are offended that the code name "Geronimo" was assigned to Bin Laden during the recent raid. In an attempt to assuage them, the U.S. government offered monetary compensation to Geronimo's tribe. Unfortunately, the government offered to pay in wampum, thereby probably compounding the injury.


  1. I don't believe your bachelor party was tame, lame, boring or otherwise. Not that I'm accusing you of fibbing, lying, distorting the truth or otherwise. Such a famously honourable man would never try to mislead his followers, especially since they're causing an unknown Mark Zuckerberg to have a hard time with all their likes and lusting. Thank you for providing me with a great start to voting day (yes, we're voting in SA today). While I'm waiting in the queue for my turn to make my cross, I'll be able to chuckle and chortle loudly to myself as I recall the funnies you've shared here, and provide those around me with guessing games as to whether I'm just a little loopy or seriously deranged. If they send anyone to arrest me, I'll refer them to the LG Report :)

  2. So instead of giving pet names, we need to now say, "Yeah, I call my boyfriend this. It's his animal-companion name"?

  3. You had some really funny lines there! lol

    I couldn't open the video, though!

  4. You must be pulling our LGs in saying that the LG's bachelor dinner had nothing to Report.

  5. The name 'LG' and the word 'boring' don't go in the same sentence.
    As for the comment about Wu Tang Clan that had me in stitches.
    I'm sure your wedding will be hot!

  6. I thoroughly enjoyed this little carnival ride through your brain. I am ready for my cotton candy now. You promised.

  7. You are so smart AND funny! Loved these. What made me laugh, too, were those PICTURES! Haa!! The ballet dancer. Ew! I actually didn't laugh at the dog/human. I started crying. Also screaming. And hiding. Scary. Scary pictures are a animal companion peeve of mine (they're really not...I just wanted to use that phrase).

  8. Human companion - I like that.

  9. Too bad your bachelor party was a bore. However, your Fb comments are anything but.

  10. Even though I'm one of your FB friends (and I Like you, I really Like you!), I tend to spend more time in the blogosphere than I do on FB, so... I'm reading all these snippets for the first time. Hilarious! Your "animal companion peeves" are always so entertaining.

  11. I love the lust one. And the frog one. And the pet one. All. I like them all.


The LG Report appreciates all comments, thanks for taking the time; Karma will probably award you a winning lotter ticket or something. The "or something" being more likely. But thanks again!