Friday, October 29, 2010

Trailblazer Trailblazer

[Please, no outside food, drink or blog posts allowed into The LG Report.  Thank you.]

LG can be a trailblazer at times, as he was yesterday with his sister's Chevy Trailblazer.  Allow LG to explain.

This is not MIG's actual car but it's similar.  The LG Report
doesn't publish photos of people's actual cars.

LG's sister MIG is a very generous person, as proven again recently when she loaned LG her 2004 Chevy Trailblazer to move some big items.  LG has a small convertible, into which a loaf of bread barely fits.  One of those big French loaves you see hanging out of everyone's grocery bag in Paris would stick out the window of LG's car.  There must be a law in France that requires every grocery bag to contain a big loaf of bread.

As fate would have it, the driver's side low-beam headlight burned out while the car was in LG's custody. The headlights go on automatically, so don't try to blame it on LG's rough handling of the headlight switch or anything along those lines.  These things just happen.

Those of you who have tried to change on headlight on any car newer than 1990, know that it's not the easiest thing to do.  It's not like the old days when you just unscrewed a frame and popped out the bulb and put a new one in.  It's much more complex.  And costly, of course.

LG's first step was to consult the Owner's Manual.  It provided instructions for changing a tail light, but warned that any other lights on the car would have to be changed by a dealer.  Translation:  Chevy wants the dealer to make more money off of you

Fortunately, LG doesn't get bossed around by Owner's Manuals.  In fact, he rarely consults them.

You already know this is the Google
logo, why are you reading the caption?
Next step: LG typed "Changing a headlight on a Chevy Trailblazer" into Google, where he received step-by-step instructions.  The guy made it sound easy; said it could be done in less than five minutes.

Next Step:  LG went to the auto parts store to get a replacement bulb.  Possibly the most ignored sign in America is the one at every auto parts store that says "No Repairs Allowed in Parking Lot."  Yeah, sure.  People jack up their cars and change the transmission in most of these parking lots, never mind the myriad of smaller repairs that take place.  When it comes to being disregarded, that sign is right up there with "All Employees Must Wash Hands Before Returning to Work" and "Please don't tip the blogger."    

This is not the actual bulb, LG didn't have the
presence of mind to take a photo of it at
the time, but it's a reasonable facsimile.

This particular auto parts store smelled very auto-partsy, as if someone had just changed their oil on the counter.  The Counter Guy, a skeletal figure who, LG believes, could've crawled through an exhaust pipe, consulted his all-knowing computer and, thankfully, they had the replacement bulb.  It cost LG $566.54 (not really, but MIG reads the blog and LG wants her to think that he really splurged...)

LG then went home and opened the hood to begin the replacement process.  There wasn't much room to maneuver in there.  It seemed like a robotic arm would be necessary to do this job.  LG is sure the Chevy Dealer has an expensive robotic arm back in the service area (insurance regulations don't allow you to go back there however...)  LG tried to get his hand where it needed to be but it looked hopeless.  LG's arm got stuck, momentarily, and all LG could imagine was the fire department showing up with the Jaws Of Life to free him.  That would've been embarassing.  LG would rather walk around with a Chevy Trailblazer stuck on his arm than have the firemen use the Jaws of Life in such a ridiculous way.  It would be an insult to the Jaws of Life inventor.  After a few minutes, LG gave up.

Sophie with her "Are there any more
treats left?" look.  Actually, all of
her looks say that.
Back on MIG's deck, LG sat eating lunch, figuring that he'd have to tell her to take it to the dealer.   Just then, MIG's dog Sophie gave LG one of those "You're not going to give up that easily, are you?" looks.  You know the one.  So LG gave it one more try.  Miraculously, he slipped his hand in and was able to remove the rubber outer bulb housing (sorry, we don't mean to get technical here.)  Then LG twisted the thingamajigger and removed the doohickey component.  After that, he replaced the Langstrom Sprocket Feeder while he was in there just for good measure.  All in all, it took LG less than five minutes, just as the Google Guy had said.

Let's recap some of the last 50 years' great scientific achievements:

1. Man on moon;
2. Invention of internet; and
3. LG changes Chevy Trailblazer headlight.

LG feels strongly that he and the Google guy are the only two non-dealers to ever successfully change a headlight on a Chevy Trailblazer.  He's a real Trailblazer trailblazer.

Thanks for stopping by, we hope to see you back again soon!

Sorry Mr. Heinrich, your robotic arm didn't reach into LG's pocket this time!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Introducing The LGNN!

A few posts ago, The LG Report tried its hand at parodying real news.  While that was kind of fun, we're now going to take it a step further by introducing The LG News Network (LGNN), which will be comprised entirely of made-up stories.  So, really, it's not that different from FOX News, CNN and some of the others...

You're salivating for your LGNN fix, we know.  Let's not delay:


(Torrance, CA) - Toyota today unveiled its newest car for the 2011 model year.  In accordance with new U.S. Department of Transportation "Truth-In-Naming" guidelines, the world's largest auto maker is calling its newest sedan the Toyota Recall.  As company Director of Product Development Yoshi Tanaku said, "We wanted to ACCELERATE our sales in the U.S., and this new model seems like a great way to create OUT OF CONTROL growth.  We're hoping that this car is a real SMASH in the American marketplace.  Even this sagging economy can't put the BRAKES on Toyota at this point."  The company also revealed that it is paying for a product placement for the new car in an upcoming sequel film,  "Total Recall 2."  [Yes, we know that writing the puns in all capitals was heavy-handed and unnecessary, but it amused us....]


(Stamford, CT) - Maury Povich, host of the popular daytime show "Maury," [come on, you pause for it when flipping around the dial] disclosed today that his program's famed DNA tests, which seek to reveal paternity on national TV from among a number of suspects, are in fact, fake. "Real DNA tests cost a lot of money," he explained at a golf outing in South Carolina.  "As a midday show, we don't get big-time sponsors paying top ad rates with our audience of worker's comp cheats and the unemployed, so we have to cut corners.  We line up the photos of potential fathers alongside the baby's and our staff votes on who they think did the dirty deed.  If there's a tie we flip a coin. It's fast and cost-efficient.  I'm sure we're accurate at least 20% of the time, but it always makes for good television, so who cares?  This is what you get for going on a TV show for a medical procedure!"  [The LG Report apologizes in advance to any readers who met their real father on a "Maury" reunion show.]


Lady Gaga at the DeliWorld
Fashion Show in Bologna, Italy.

(Bellevue Psychiatric Hospital, NYC) - Singer and professional nut-job Lady Gaga, who made headlines recently by wearing a dress made entirely of meat (pictured at left), announced today that she will wear more meat outfits during her upcoming nationwide tour.  However, she's putting a twist on things by choosing meat garments that are tailored to the cities in which she'll perform.  "In Philadelphia, I will be wearing a tasteful cheesesteak pantsuit," she said from her home on Long Island, which is constructed entirely from Yodel and Ring Ding boxes.  "For the Milwaukee show, I'll be wearing a bratwurst skirt and matching tank top, and in Washington, D.C., I'll have an evening gown made entirely from rump roast." 


O'Donnell reacts when told that her local
grocer had no more bat whiskers or lizard tooth.

(A Spooky House in Wilmington, DE) - U.S. Senate Candidate Christine O'Donnell again publicly denied being a witch, as portrayed by some critics of the Delaware senatorial candidate.  "I just pray to Satan that people believe me this time," she said to gathered reporters.  "I know I've burst on the national scene rather abruptly, but I think conservative Republicans respect me.  I know I've captured the eye of Newt.  Gingrich, that is."  She then invited the group to come into her spider web-laden office to "Sit for a spell."  Three of the reporters emerged from the meeting with tiny heads.   


Rothlisberger greets fans.
(Pittsburgh, PA) - Disgraced Steelers quarterback Ben Rothlisberger returned to action recently after a four-game suspension for allegedly commiting a rumored sexual assault on a supposedly young lady in what is speculated to be Georgia [As you can see, we don't want to be sued...]  While prosecutors elected not to bring charges against "Big Ben," the NFL nevertheless suspended him for violating league personal conduct guidelines.  Speaking to reporters from his table  at Primanti Brother's, Rothlisberger showed great class and sportsmanship in acknowledging one of his mentors and supporters, a man who was not previously known to have been a role model for the Steeler quarterback.  "All I can say," he told reporters, "Is thank God for Brett Favre!"


Sorry, no refunds kid!
A Boston College Law School student made national news last week when he, or she, wrote an anonymous letter to an on-line newspaper requesting a full refund of three years' worth of tuition in exchange for not taking a diploma.  The student said that he or she was falsely lured into attending law school by the promise of a lucrative career, and now laid awake at night worrying about paying student loans.  B.C. Law, however, was able to determine the student's identity by checking enrollment records.  "It was quite simple," said the school's Assistant Dean of Students, "We looked at our third-year class list and realized that there was only one student named 'Pathetic Loser.' "

That's it for this time folks. If something in here made you laugh, or even smile, please consider sending a link along to friend or two.  Hey, why not, they're always sending annoying things to you!  And, as always, thanks for clicking in to The LG Report, we'll be back with a new post soon.  The LG Report: gluten-free and no new two-year activations are ever required!

Friday, October 22, 2010

Get A Famous Mouth-Watering Stromboli From Marge C.!

The last time we checked in with political activist Marge C., she was making a very persuasive argument for U.S. Congressional candidate Anna Little.  You can see that message by clicking HERE.

As the congressional elections draw closer, Marge C. has decided to tone down her advocacy a bit in order to attract new supporters for Ms. Little.  Here's her new appeal to voters in the Sixth Congressional District of New Jersey:

Some unrelated thoughts:

- Former JetBlue flight attendant Steven Slater avoided jail earlier this week in a plea bargain.  Instead, as punishment, the court ordered him to fly coach on JetBlue once a month.

- The New York Yankees were knocked out of the major league playoffs tonight when their opponents inserted Chuck Norris into the line-up.  Walker, Texas Ranger, hit a 10-run homerun and tossed a perfect game by spitting the minimum number of pitches to home plate.  He was busy using his arms to bend confiscated illegal guns into bicycles for underprivileged children.  

That's it for today folks, thanks for clicking in, hope to see you back again soon....

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Idiotic Images Tuesday

Some bloggers, like my friend Jessee, whose most excellent blog will appear magically when you click here, do something called "Wordless Wednesday" where they post one or more photos without any text. 

LG doesn't do that.  He writes a lot and talks a lot, but, as his personal motto informs us, "I may talk a lot, but I don't talk too much."

Here are some photos that LG took in the last week, which we'll call "Idiotic Images Tuesday."  The Tuesday part isn't alliterative, but since today is Tuesday, it seems to fit.  Best we could do, get off our back.

Let's get to the photos, we can tell you're annoyed already.

First, here's a picture that LG took yesterday while golfing (he was setting a course record, the nature of which we won't say...)  LG wishes that all of us had our "number one problem" in life be as severe as the major problem facing golf today:

Hmm....apparently Golf (capitalized to signify the entire monolithic world of Golf) hasn't heard about the Great Recession, wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, terrorism, rising taxes, Gulf of Mexico oil pollution, nuclear proliferation, bedbug infestation, North Korean and Iranian crazies, global warming, Snookie and the designated hitter rule.  Golf also has a problem with proper punctuation (e.g. missing an apostrophe to make "everyones" possessive.)  But none of that is nearly as serious as slow play.  God save us from slow play, the number one problem!


This full-page ad really annoys LG.  Cablevision is in a dispute with the FOX Network over subscriber fees.  Both sides are appealing to the public to apply pressure to the other.  This ad, paid for by Cablevision, attempts to say that a small child should not be used as a "bargaining chip" in the dispute.  Meanwhile, what is Cablevision doing by putting the child in a full-page newspaper ad?  Using her as a bargaining chip!  This dynamic has played out nationwide between many cable TV providers and networks -- two very rich companies pandering to the public for support of their position.  It's annoying, dumb, greedy and annoying.  Oh, wait, did we already mention "annoying?"  Being repetitive is annoying too.  Sorry.   

LG didn't get a look at the Einstein driving this vehicle, but who writes "Monster Truck" across the windshield of their truck?  Have you ever seen a BMW with "Luxury Car" written across the windshield? Or a KIA with "Tin Can"written on it?  Maybe the driver of this car looks like Frankenstein and meant to write "Monster's Truck" on it?  [PS If any loyal readers of The LG Report have "Monster Truck" written across their windshield, we're sure it's totally classy and warranted!  We're using you as a bargaining chip here...]

That's it for today folks, some good posts coming up (unlike this one!) so make sure to check back again soon.  We promise not to trap you underground for 69 days. 

Monday, October 18, 2010

Something New

The LG Report has been meaning to try something new for a while and we're just finally getting around to it.  Those of you who are familiar with The Daily ShowThe Colbert Report and The Onion,  know that those organizations traffic in comedically false news, or parody. 

The LG Report wants to jump on that bandwagon too, but we don't want to get sued for parodying someone else's actual news story.  So we've copied a story from a major news outlet, and we've added our own spin (in red ink), but we're not revealing the source.  The odds of getting caught are very slim, we know.  And, in fact, if we were caught and sued, it would bring tons of publicity to The LG Report and we'd probably get far more followers than just the very learned and elite group of 43 that we have today (take a bow folks.)  But we're not going to risk it by revealing the source, sorry.      

The LG Report has been around since December 2009 and this is our 135th post.  In that time, the parade of ads in the right hand column have earned us a whopping $90 or so.  Not a lot of money with which to defend a plagiarism lawsuit.       

Choosing an article to parody was not easy.  Politics, religion and sex were all out of the question; too great of an opportunity to offend and turn the Elite 43 into the Friends 'n Family Five. 

Even picking on something as universally reviled as "The Real Housewives of...." or the reality show "The Jersey Shore," would offend some of our readers.  So we settled on this: auto parts.  If you're offended by an article parodying auto parts, please accept our apologies, mostly because we're sure you also own a shotgun.  And you've probably already done time and wouldn't mind getting back in the slammer to enjoy your three squares a day.  Who could blame you? 

Anyway, here we go:

Motorists toughing out a weak economy are opting to fix their old cars instead of buying new ones, creating a boon for auto-parts sellers. This was revealed in a government-sponsored MIT study since it would be really hard to figure this out otherwise. "Duh uh" to the tenth degree here.

Don't you think they really meant to name the company "Advanced Auto Parts?"
Big auto-parts chains are thriving. Their stock valuations have seen dramatic increases. Shares of Advance Auto Parts (AAP), AutoZone (AZO) and O'Reilly Automotive (ORLY) are near 52-week highs. 

The retailers are benefiting from a confluence of factors, not the least of which is that too few people are willing to buy new cars when credit is tight and unemployment is high. Even dumb people driving pieces of crap can be smart once in a while.

"People who are not buying new cars are hanging on to their old cars and repairing them," says Michael Odell, CEO of the Pep Boys (PBY) chain, which has 600 stores, with plans to add 35 more. This great insight, by a respected auto parts industry executive, counters conventional wisdom, which would tell us that people are just throwing away their old cars and walking everywhere. Thanks for the newsflash Mike! 

As a result, the average fleet age for all cars and trucks in the U.S. was 10.2 years in the latest R.L. Polk survey, up 21% in the past 14 years.

This car is in to have the fugly yellow paint removed.
 In the early part of this decade, when people had jobs, the auto industry was selling more than 16 million cars a year, vs. the 10 million-plus that sold last year. That created a bulge of old cars, and those jalopies represent "the sweet spot" for auto parts retailers because they often need substantial repairs, says analyst Colin McGranahan of Bernstein Research. This doesn't apply, of course, to Toyotas, which are being driven into walls and off cliffs, thanks to faulty accelerators.  The result: a boon to the economy by stimulating the healthcare and funeral service industries!  Incidentally, it's just a rumor that Toyota is working on cars with three sets of exterior handles on each side to double as coffins.    

Auto-parts dealers have adapted by stocking more basic repair items, such as alternators, starters and brakes instead of the bling-bling accessories popular in better economic times. "Bling-bling accessories?"  We didn't realize that Snoop Dogg was writing about automotive issues these days. 

The industry is banking that even when the economy recovers, people will hang on to their cars longer. "People have realized their cars will last longer than five years," says Judd Nystrom, senior vice president of Advance Auto Parts. So far, nobody quoted in this article has said anything that a 5-year old wouldn’t know.

Also driving the parts industry:

•Driving more miles. Americans cut back on driving when gas prices rose a couple of years ago. Now, car mileage is starting to rise again, Federal Highway Administration figures show. The more miles driven, the more servicing that cars need. If this article doesn’t win the Pulitzer for “Most Obvious Statements Made,” nothing will.

•Fewer auto dealers. General Motors, Ford Motor and Chrysler collectively closed hundreds of car dealers, creating fewer places for car owners to get their cars serviced. More have turned to independent mechanics, who often get their supplies from parts sellers. Or car thieves.  Also called "Chop Shops." It's not unusual for a car owner to pay his local mechanic to reinstall the very same airbag that was stolen from his car a week later.  But you didn't hear that from us.

More auto-repair school graduates are getting jobs at independent garages instead of at auto dealerships, says John Frala, professor at Rio Hondo College in Whittier, Calif. That's really the name of the college, "Rio Hondo," we're not screwing around here.  You’d think that Honda would pony up some dough to sponsor the school and merely change one letter in the name, but no, that’s too logical.  Reportedly, students can only pay their tuition in cash using hondos.  

We got bored with the rest of the story and cut it off here.  Hey, you have to admire our willingness to experiment!

UPDATE ON OUR LAST POSTING: LG visited Noit in the hospital on Thursday, and we're glad to report that he's in great spirits and recovering quite nicely.  LG was thoughtful enough to pick up some light reading material for Noit, the current issue of Reader's Digest.  Here he is enjoying the diversion:

That's it for today folks, thanks for stopping by.  We hope to see you back again soon.  And please keep sending good and healing thoughts Noit's way.  Peace be with you.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Get Well Noit

Some of you don't know Noit. 

He was one of LG's college roommates and remains one of LG's best friends.  He's a very high-quality human being, married to another high-quality human being, Amy.

Last weekend, the Noit had an unfortunate accident, falling about 16 feet out of a tree.  I don't have all the details yet, but I'm guessing that he was just trying to get a head-start on raking the leaves before autumn arrived in full force. 

Noit and LG are similar in many ways.  At times, Noit is juvenile, inappropriate and irreverent.  Here's an example from our college days:

The LG Report must apologize to our readers from England, and we do indeed have some (check out the Clustr Map on the right...).  This photo is not meant to offend.  We know that English people don't have teeth like Halloween candy corn.  LG knows that anyway, Noit may not.  But this is who Noit is: fun-loving, playful and humorous.  He also pretends to be a prisoner from England once in a while.  Who can blame him?

Here's a flashback story. 

Late one night during our senior year of college, Noit and LG were out celebrating something or other.  Probably the arrival of a Thursday night.  We had imbibed a beer or two before returning to our two-bedroom off-campus apartment, which we shared with our 3rd roommate, Steve.  All three beds were in one room, along with Noit's dresser.  LG and Steve's dressers were in the second bedroom, along with weights and other workout equipment. 

Don't ask LG why, but, for some reason, he stood at the far end of the hallway leading into the bedroom and yelled out "Here comes Bare-ass Man!"  LG then pulled down his pants and underwear and ran backwards, at full-tilt, into the bedroom. 

Unfortunately, Noit had his dresser drawer open at the time.  LG barreled right into it.  If someone were to write a book about the incident, it would be titled A Million Little Pieces: The Tale of Noit's Dresser Drawer.  Apologies to James Frey.     

Noit, being somewhat perturbed at losing one of his three dresser drawers, ran into the workout room and made a loud noise as he destroyed one of LG's dresser drawers.  Or so LG thought.  In reality, Noit hadn't actually destroyed a drawer, he just made a loud noise and faked it in order to get back at LG in a semi-mature way.  

Upon hearing the phony noise, LG opened Noit's two remaining dresser drawers, climbed to the top of the room's bunk beds, and jumped, feet first, smack dab through the last of Noit's drawers. 

Noit then returned to the room and told LG that he had just been kidding, and that he hadn't damaged LG's dresser at all.  Noit's dresser, however, was now firewood. 

For the remainder of the school year, Noit had to pile all of his clothes on top of his dresser since he had no working drawers left. 

Below is an actual picture of Noit (with LG in the background) shortly after Bare-Assed Man did his demolition work.  When LG decided to write this blog, he swore that he'd never post a picture of himself in his underwear.  Things change.

One more Noit story (LG could go on for hours.) 

On the last day of our junior year, Noit and Steve finished their exams a few hours before LG and decided to start the year-end party early.  Noit, however, cut his thumb deeply while trying to open a can of pineapple juice.  He went to the school's infirmary for stitches.  When the nurse left Noit with his thumb under a faucet of running water, he got a good look at the open wound and fainted.  Boom!  Like a sack of potatoes, Noit hit the floor.  Eventually, he returned to our suite with Steve.  LG bandaged his thumb in sympathy (and ridicule), as did Steve and many of the party attendees.  Here's a photo:

OK, so that's the last old photo of Noit that LG is going to show today in our Get Well posting. 

Noit is a bit banged up, nothing life threatening, but he's still in the hospital and has a road of recovery ahead of him.

You won't meet a better man than The Noit.  If you'd like to send Noit a Get Well message, please feel free to convey it via a comment to this post (A cheap way for LG to get reader comments?  Sure, but we have no pride here.)  

LG is going to visit Noit in the hospital today.  He's still pretty banged up with broken ribs and wrists, a fractured heel, etc., but, overall, Noit is doing much better than when he was admitted.   Here's what LG is bringing Noit as a Get Well present:

Poor taste?  Yes, definitely.  But Noit will love it.  P.S. It took about half an hour to wrap those bandages and apply the red Sharpie.

Not to get maudlin, but LG hopes you each have at least one friend of the caliber of Noit.  Please keep his recovery in your thoughts.  And thanks for reading The LG Report, as always.  We'll try to be funnier next time.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Roller Derby 101

Let's face it, you're probably ashamed that you don't really know as much about Roller Derby as you should.  Don't worry, we're all friends here and we won't reveal your dirty secret.  In fact, we'll help you get your roller derby learn on.   

The lobby of Asbury's Convention Hall.  Not visible: the shabbiness. 

On Saturday night, LG's sister, MIG, corralled him and two of her friends for a roller derby "bout" at Asbury Park's (NJ) Convention Hall.  LG had never been, and, truth be told, he was not really psyched to go, but he figured that there might be a blog posting in it.  There was. 

According to LG's extensive research (i.e. 20 seconds on Google), roller derby started in the late 1800s in the United States.  Today, there are over 600 leagues operating in 20 countries.  Most roller derby athletes are women.  And they wear fishnet stockings and revealing outfits; at least on Saturday night they did.  From a purely business standpoint, it appears to be a sound marketing strategy.

Roller derby bouts are contested in two 30-minute halves with a 30-minute intermission in between so that fans can get tanked at the bar and buy t-shirts and other essential souvenirs.  Only the "jammer" can score for a team, and points are earned by passing opposing team players while making sure that your butt doesn't look too big in your uniform.  We made that last part up. 

It's a roller derby tradition for skaters to use pseudonyms.  Saturday night's bout, between the Jersey Shore Roller Girls All-Stars and the River City (Richmond, Va.) Rollergirls, featured such skaters as Shermaine Tank, Ciri L. Killer, Ricin Beans, Belle Maul Her, Maliciously Delicious, Forty Ounce Bounce and Paris Kills. 

Mannah Montana (a dude) and Bertha Control (a woman whose looks matched her name) were the announcers. 

The skaters warm up.  We know, it's hard to
believe that a Blackberry took
this excellent sports action photo.

Each team skated hard right from the opening whistle, but the River City squad managed to jump out to a 90 - 47 lead.  However, weariness from being on the road, coupled with the deafening noise of the hostile home crowd, must've worn away River City's resolve.  They let the match slip away in an exciting ending, with the Jersey Shore squad prevailing 127 - 120 (or thereabouts; truthfully, LG wasn't paying all that close attention at the end.)

Tickets were $20.  There were plenty of refreshments and other money-making items sold, but the skaters aren't paid a cent. 

"The only compensation we get is that they cover our bus and hotel rooms for away games," one Jersey Shore team member told The LG Report (she was duped into thinking that we're a reputable blog.).  "But it's always like four girls to a room and not in a great hotel." 

Hmm, four roller derby girls in one hotel room, LG thinks he may have seen a movie about that once.  No, wait, LG is mistaken, sorry about that (we don't want to lose our "G" blog rating...)

LG managed to catch up with one of the Jersey Shore skaters for a short post-bout video interview during the afterparty in a bar across the street from the arena.  Here's that riveting piece of journalism, which is sure to go viral shortly (or at least bacterial):

There you have it folks, all you need to know about modern day flat-track roller derby, which, by the way, differs from the old-school "banked track" version.  Banked track roller derby features a railing over which skaters can be hit or thrown, and is considerably more dangerous than open-floor flat track roller derby.  And, even more important as distinctions go, the serious-minded banked track girls don't wear fishnet stockings.  You couldn't drag me to one of their bouts with a Shermaine Tank!


PS A loud and heartfelt LG Report shout out to our good buddy Noit who fell from a tree over the weekend.  Since Babe Ruth is no longer around to hit a homerun for him, we thought we'd do the next best thing by dedicating this posting to Noit while wishing him a speedy and complete recovery.

Thanks for checking in everyone, we hope to see you back again soon. 

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Mail Call, etc.

Here at The LG Report we don't have it out for Verizon Wireless, although you might think we do based on our most recent post.  But that's not true at all.  Speaking of Verizon Wireless, they just announced that they'll be rolling out 4G service to 38 cities before the end of the year.  It's called "4G" because that's how much your monthly cell phone bill will be when they get done tacking on all the surcharges. 


Yes, I came up with that one on my own, but feel free to use it down at the iPhone store.

Moving on to The LG Report Mailbag....

The LG Report doesn't get a lot of mail.  Nor does it get a lot of e-mail.  We're not sure why, perhaps because we always refer to ourselves in the third person, thereby annoying people?  Nah, can't be the reason.  Possibly it's because everyone who submits anything to us, speaks to us, or in any way has contact with us, knows that they could end up on the blog. 

Here are some examples of people who didn't follow the herd; they knowingly and willingly sent things in, and will now be featured.  They'll probably learn better after today...

This is Sara.  She lives in Ohio.  She was also pictured in the family portrait from the 1970s that appeared two postings back (she was the uh, um, "most distinctive" person in that photo.)  We're not sure exactly what's going on in this picture, sent to us by Sara herself, but here are our best guesses:

1.  She was sold off as a child bride to a rich Russian and this was her farewell photo;
2. She was told that she could only read that book, which was recovered near the Chernobyl nuclear site, if she wore a hazmat suit; or
3. She was preparing to take a course on formal-dress beekeeping, the latest craze to sweep the agricultural community. 

Please feel free to post a comment if you have any additional guesses.  Note that all our comments must be gluten free. 

This photo was submitted by Liz/Lizerd, another reader from Ohio.  The LG Report is to Ohio what David Hasselhoff is to Germany and Jerry Lewis is to France. 

We're not sure, but we suspect that this may be her husband.  He looks like the result of a fight between Winnie the Pooh's Tigger and Spider Man.  It appears that Tigger is winning, although Spider Man will get most of the attention at a bachelorette party.  If he's lucky, he may even get some dollar bills stuffed into his face.  Whatever the case, we can see from this picture who put the "ween" in Halloween. 

Kudos to Mr. Liz for having the guts to have his photo taken like this.  And, no, we won't ask any questions about that poster on the floor behind him. 

Dear Readers: Keep sending in ridiculous and embarrassing shots like the two above, we love 'em!

And, finally, below we have Jake.  He's tired and gets frightened by formally-dressed beekeepers and Tigger/Spiderman hybrids, so we'll call it a posting right here.  Hope to see you back again soon!

Monday, October 4, 2010

The Nine Circles of Verizon Wireless

Editor's Note:  Today The LG Report has the singular pleasure of being designated as the "Blogger Of Note" (BON) by Words of Wisdom, a very cool site run by the incomparable Sandy and Pam, which allows people who "enjoy reading and writing great content to find each other."  You can access Words of Wisdom by clicking here;  it's well worth a visit. 

Before we launch into our regularly-scheduled LG Report posting, we must fulfill our duties as today's BON.  We've been asked to provide links to three of our more entertaining offerings for the benefit of first-time visitors who'd like to have a look around.  Please excuse the mess, we just found out you'd be stopping by and haven't had time to straighten up (Truth is, we've been sitting around eating bon bons in anticipation of being a BON ourselves...) (Yes, we specialize in bad puns and other BON mots at The LG Report.)

Choosing three favorite posts is akin to standing on the deck of a sinking ocean liner and being told that you can only save three of your children.  Of course, I'd always pick the three with the most income-producing potential.  Hey, a guy has to think about his retirement years!

Anyway, the envelope please.... drum roll... more drum roll... even more drum roll... yet annoyingly more drum roll... now a bit of annoying hesitation while we fumble with opening the envelope... and... here are the choices:

First, CLICK HERE to see pictures of cute dogs and, we think, funny captions.
Second, CLICK HERE to read a sentimental favorite and my best Mother's Day story.

Third, there's a new TV show called "$#*! My Father Says."  CLICK HERE  to read a post that falls under the category "$#*! My Father Actually Did."  It's not a category that lacks for content on this blog.

So there you have it first-timers, hopefully you'll get some chuckles and come back again.  Maybe you'll even sign up to follow The LG Report by clicking on the button to the right (Hurry, it's only free while limited supplies last.  So you don't forget, click before midnight tonight!)

We now join our regularly-scheduled programming in progress. 

"Hell is other people."

 - Jean-Paul Sartre

Jean-Paul Sartre, the famous French philosopher, died in 1980.  Had he lived until 2010, I feel certain his famous quote would've been revised to say "Hell is going to the Verizon Wireless Store." 


In fact, a movie was made about people who had no choice but to go to the Verizon Wireless Store.  Here's the poster:

On Friday, I had to go to the Verizon Wireless Store because the trackball on my Blackberry was not working properly.  It wouldn't roll in the upwards direction.  It was more annoying than listening to Michael Bolten's bellyaching about being kicked off "Dancing With the Stars."

Upon entering the Verizon Wireless Store, which was befittingly hot, I typed my name into the Kiosk of Hades (not the technical name), in order to get onto Lucifer's Waiting List (also not the official designation, but you get the point.)  This act puts one in line to eventually be summoned out of the depths of limbo.  This is the First Circle of Verizon Wireless.  Don't worry, I won't go through all nine circles, but, if you visit the Verizon Wireless Store, you will.

After a couple of days, my name was called.  I folded up my tent, put away my Coleman stove, trimmed my foot-long beard and walked to the Service Counter to explain my problem to Louis.  I fully expected that he'd laugh in my face and tell me that a repair was impossible, or that the Blackberry would need to be shipped to the repair shop on the International Space Station for a month or more.  Or, at the very least, that he'd have to take it into the Verizon Wireless Store's back room, where things magical and unexplained routinely happened.  I'd love to sneak into that back room some day, but it's guarded like the royal vault.  I could swear that I caught a glimpse of Amelia Earhart's plane sitting in pieces back there once.  But let's return to the story.

This doesn't happen very often, however, a BONA FIDE USEFUL TIP is about to appear for readers of The LG Report, so pay careful attention.    

Louis turned my Blackberry face down on the counter, onto a piece of paper, and rolled it along on the trackball for about a minute while applying a bit of pressure.  This, apparently, dislodged the dirt from the trackball mechanism.  When he was done, a dark trail remaind on the paper -- caused by the dislodged dirt, he said.  The trackball was back to working like new!  It was a miracle!  No sending it away!  No costly replacement phone or new 2-year service agreement!  And no charge for the repair!  YES, I CAN YOU HEAR YOU NOW VERIZON WIRELESS! 

Sorry.  Didn't mean to scream.

I couldn't believe my good fortune as I walked out of the store with my phone completely repaired at no cost.  "Murphy's Law in reverse," I thought to myself while approaching my car.  I was on Cloud Nine. 

Until, that is, I noticed that my back passenger tire was completely flat. 

Honest, this is absolutely true.  I got my phone fixed for free, and a flat tire, in the same afternoon.  You can always count on Mr. Murphy and all the various manifestations of his Law to come through.  Now there's America's Most Reliable Network!

Thanks for stopping by, we hope to see you back here again soon.  And thanks again to Words of Wisdom  for making us today's BON!