Sunday, February 28, 2010

The LG Report's Cutest Dog Contest Kicks Off!

The LG Report would like to thank all of you who submitted photos of your pooches for the Cutest Dog Contest.  We have 14 entries.  Here are the  OFFICIAL RULES for voting:

1.  Dogs cannot vote (sorry, we're still waiting for a Constitutional Amendment);

2. Humans can only vote once each (it's an honor system, please don't cheat the poor doggies);

3. Each dog has been assigned a number (in alphabetical order, no favoritism.)  You may either vote using the dog's number or his/her name, since we have no duplicate names (nor do we have duplicate numbers, although we almost had three #8s for a while there; we weren't very good at math in skool....);

4. Each voter gets 6 points to vote with.  You may assign all 6 points to one dog, or you may apportion them among two or more dogs.  For example, you might vote as follows:

3 points - Fido
2 points - Spot
1 point - Geo

Or you could give 2 points to each of three dogs.  Or one point to each of six dogs.  Or use any other combination of 6 points that you'd like. It's totally up to you -- assign your 6 points any way you want.  This is America, our elections are never controversial or defective.

5. YOU MAY NOT VOTE FOR ANY DOG WHOSE PHOTO YOU SUBMITTED.   That rule barks for itself, so please abide by it.  Yeah, you.

6. If you submitted a dog's photo, you must vote in order to keep that dog eligible (in other words, no boosting your dog's chances to win by not voting for any other dogs) (as you can see, we've put a lot of thought into this half-assed contest, so deal with it);

7. Submit your vote to  before 5 pm on Friday, March 5th.  The winners (first, second and third place prizes will be awarded) will be announced on Tuesday, March 9th on NBC

Just kidding, check back here at www.LGReport.blogspot.comNBC is hard up, but not that hard up.

8. You do not have to have a dog entered to vote.  Anyone can cast a ballot (but, again, just one per person), so feel free to forward this link to as many friends and relatives as you'd like.  Make it a chain e-mail, have fun with it! (This is our not-so-surreptitious way to get more clicks, thank you...)  We thought Bill Gates said something about paying people for forwarding this blog link, but we could be mistaken...

9. Feel free to add comments with your votes (e.g. "Rover looks like my mother-in-law on a good day," or "I think I took Fido to my senior prom," etc.) We'll publish some of the funnier ones.  Please send some funny ones.  Yeah, you.

That's it; those are the rules.  If we forgot something, we'll post a supplemental message.  Keep checking back for supplemental messages, we like those clicks too.   

The only way that we'll be able to regulate the one-person/one-vote rule is by checking incoming e-mail addresses, thus, if you have multiple screen names, you could theoretically vote more than once.  Please don't.  How lame would it be having to look yourself in the mirror knowing that you tried to cheat 13 dogs out of a bag of treats?  Looking yourself in the mirror is hard enough.  Yeah, you.

Now to the good stuff, the photos themselves. 

We really didn't like anyone's self-supplied captions (Arrogant? Us? Never...) so we're supplying our own LG Report comments.  Other than the dog's name and place of residence, everything in the description is fictional, so please don't be offended, and don't let the commentary sway your vote in any way.  The comments are just our attempt to amuse ourselves here at The LG Report -- working conditions are bleak and the pay stinks.  We don't even have any petty cash to embezzle. And we know how much you like to pocket some of the petty cash when you get a chance.  Yeah, you.

Without further adieu, we proudly present the contestants of the 2010 LG Report Cutest Dog Contest:

Contestant #1:  Brune, who resides in Marin County, California, has the unique ability of being able to point to the closet bowl of dog food with her ear.  She holds (in her mouth) a master's degree from UC Davis, and has done a bit of runway modeling for Doggy + Gabana in the past.  She's a Libra and loves a moonlight stroll on the end of a long leash.  She's fluent in French, English, German and Dog.  Num num nummy...

Contestant #2: Busby is not begging for your vote, rather he's clapping for his favorite contestant on American Idol  (let's hope mentioning that show gets us some Google hits).  Busby lives in Yonkers, New York and enjoys surfing, hang gliding and playing the stock market. He recommends investments in Ralston Purina and Petsmart at the moment.  His owner never suspected that her fingers would figure so prominently in a national competition.  Looks like a nice manicure anyway.

Contestant #3: Doc holds (also in his mouth) a doctorate in psychology from Kansas State University.  He's a playful lad who was only too happy to stick his tongue out for the camera ("No thanks Doc, I use toilet paper!") (Sorry, we couldn't resist that one...)   Docky loves Agatha Christie novels and snuggling by the fireplace with his favorite squeaky toy.  He's also a big fan of HOB's "Curb Your Dog and Your Enthusiasm."  Doc lives in Boston's Leather District.  No, it's not like that though.

Contestant #4: Ellie is the sister of Contestant #1, Brune.  Also residing in Marin County, California, Ellie is a zealous crusader for a greener earth, although she admits to making certain parts of our planet brown about twice a day.  Ellie, as you can see, is a bit camera shy.  She's a master of origami and worked for a while writing jokes for Don Rickles.  She loves Manolo Blahnik chew.

Contestant #5:  Heidi perfected this "come hither" pose while working as a model for Calvin Klein Canine Jeans (advertising motto: "How does my butt smell in these jeans?")  Here Heidi looks out the window of her Long Branch, NJ home while waiting for Paris Hilton to pick her up for an evening out with the girls.  Heidi once dated heartthrob actor Eric Dane of "Gray's Anatomy" fame.  They had an ugly break-up, however, and Heidi left a big McSteamy on his front lawn, hence the nickname.

Contestant #6:  Herbie's parents were infatuated with the music of Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass and wanted to pay homage to him with the name of their son.  Herbie grew up to become a musician himself, and later went on to play with Don Ho's band in Hawaii.  This photo was taken after a gig in Maui with Don and the boys.  Later in the evening, Herbie painted the town red with Don and his family, so, basically, he was partying with all the Ho's that night.  Herbie fell on hard times for a stretch, but eventually beat his Snausages addiction and moved back to the East Coast.  Herbie lives in Boston and runs a habadashery (never expected to see that word again in your life, did you?) for small men.  Herbie has been Snausages-free for six years, three weeks, four days and seven hours.  Congrats Herbie!

Contestant #7: Jake, a resident of the Jersey Shore, is a follower of Zen Buddhism.  He lives the mellow life, unless you ride by his house on a bicycle.  Not a fan of physical exertion, except on his nightly walks, Jake prefers to chase only parked cars.  Sometimes he's so tired that he has to take a nap before he can work up the energy to go to sleep.  Jake was once married to Rosie O'Donnell but, he tells us,  "I couldn't stand her loud mouth and constant yapping.  And she was always breaking into my treat stash."  Today Jake is a practicing CPA with the international accounting firm of Price Doghouse.

Contestant #8: Here we see Lilly romping in the leaves with her buddy Steve.  Lilly lives in the Albany, NY area, where she was once Lieutenant Governor of the State of New York.  Lilly resigned because she couldn't stand all of the incompetence in state government.  She also says that envelopes full of Milk Bone biscuits were regularly passed under the table. Lilly enjoys painting, collecting U.S. Postal Service Letter Carrier hats and scrapbooking.  She currently makes her living as a cartoonist.

Contestant #9: Ralphie is a Brittany (no relation to Spears) from the North Shore of Massachusetts.  He's a former sea captain out of Gloucester, MA and was an extra in the movie "The Perfect Storm," where he played a dog named Ralphie.  Contrary to what some believe, Ralphie was not named after Ralph Kramden of "The Honeymooners," but rather another TV character: Ralph Malph of "Happy Days" [See photo on right for resemblance.]  Ralphie devotes significant time to children's charities.  He also asked us to mention that he hates broccoli.  [Editor's Note: None of the prizes for this contest contain broccoli.]

Contestant #10: Skipper got her name back in the 1990s, when she was the captain of a charter sailboat out of Catalina Island, California.  However, years of ferrying Hollywood stars around the Pacific wore her down eventually (Skipper was briefly married to Jeremy Piven), and she hung up her life vest and waterproof collar years ago to retire to the Orlando, Florida area.  Skipper (also sometimes called "Skippy") enjoys fetching Tolstoy books, watching the New York Yankess and doing Sudoku puzzles. 

Contestant #11: If Satan had a dog, it might be Sophie.  Wait, that's not Satan!  Actually, Sophie is "still just a baby," as her owner is quick to point out when she chews up your favorite...leg.  Sophie still has plenty of time to learn her manners, her owner reminds us.  We just hope that the teacher quickly gets to the part of the course about not farting when people are watching TV near you.  As a purebred German Sheppard living at the Jersey Shore, Sophie enjoys her beer and bratwurst when not playing volleyball or riding the waves.  She's currently studying modern dance at Julliard, but moonlights as an exotic dancer to pay her bills.  Sophie once won an episode of "Are you Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?" by gnawing all of the other contestants to death.  She also enjoys knitting.

Contestant #12: Star is a mini-Doberman.   Here she's pictured trying to sneak up on Trick-or-Treaters while disguised as a pumpkin.  Star is not realistic when it comes to picking out disguises.  This pooch resides in the City of Brotherly Love and is an avid fan of the Philadelphia Flyers, Phillies and Eagles.  "The Sixers you can keep," she says, "I'd rather watch Villanova basketball."  Star is a licensed pilot who loves to chase U.S. Postal Service planes.  She's also an avid reader of The LG Report and says she'd love to grab a bite of Geo someday.  Oops, we mean a bite with Geo.  Typo.

Contestant #13:  Sunny the pug is a state senator (Independent Party) in Vermont.  Sunny graduated with a 3.4 GPA from Penn State University (she turned down a full scholarship offer to be the Yale mascot) with a major in Food Science.  She relocated to Vermont to accept a position as a senior "taster" with Ben + Jerry's Ice Cream in South Burlington.  Her rise through the political ranks of Vermont has been swift.  The Burlington Free Press called her a "PUGnacious campaigner with dogged determination."  That green collar was given to her by PETA in recognition of her efforts at passing eco-friendly legislation.  When her new dental insurance kicks in she'll have that one protruding tooth corrected, so back off.  Yeah, you.

Contestant #14: Tippy VIII is a descendant of King George of England (what other dog would have a "VIII" after his name?) and occupied various posts in the English Parliament before emigrating to Philadelphia.  In this country, Tippy VIII is a professional philosopher and can be seen here contemplating the right tree to bark up.  Tippy VIII loves to watch polo matches (and chase after the horses) and is a big fan of Manchester United.  But he's adopted some of the traditions of his new country, preferring a good old Philly cheesesteak over scones and tea any day of the week.  And, as an Englishman, Tippy VIII likes to hoist a good pint or five.  On some occasions, Tippy has been known to become Tipsy Tippy. Lotta work for that punchline, we know.    

There you have it ladies and gents, the 14 entrants in this year's LG Report Cutest Dog Contest.

Remember, you can only vote once (make sure you use all 6 of your points) but voting is open to everyone, so forward this link to as many people as you'd like.  Again, the address to vote is  Good luck to all our entrants!  

Winners will be announced on Tuesday, March 9th, but lots of good stuff will be posted before then, so check back often.  And thanks for reading The LG Report!


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