Monday, October 4, 2010

The Nine Circles of Verizon Wireless

Editor's Note:  Today The LG Report has the singular pleasure of being designated as the "Blogger Of Note" (BON) by Words of Wisdom, a very cool site run by the incomparable Sandy and Pam, which allows people who "enjoy reading and writing great content to find each other."  You can access Words of Wisdom by clicking here;  it's well worth a visit. 

Before we launch into our regularly-scheduled LG Report posting, we must fulfill our duties as today's BON.  We've been asked to provide links to three of our more entertaining offerings for the benefit of first-time visitors who'd like to have a look around.  Please excuse the mess, we just found out you'd be stopping by and haven't had time to straighten up (Truth is, we've been sitting around eating bon bons in anticipation of being a BON ourselves...) (Yes, we specialize in bad puns and other BON mots at The LG Report.)

Choosing three favorite posts is akin to standing on the deck of a sinking ocean liner and being told that you can only save three of your children.  Of course, I'd always pick the three with the most income-producing potential.  Hey, a guy has to think about his retirement years!

Anyway, the envelope please.... drum roll... more drum roll... even more drum roll... yet annoyingly more drum roll... now a bit of annoying hesitation while we fumble with opening the envelope... and... here are the choices:

First, CLICK HERE to see pictures of cute dogs and, we think, funny captions.
Second, CLICK HERE to read a sentimental favorite and my best Mother's Day story.

Third, there's a new TV show called "$#*! My Father Says."  CLICK HERE  to read a post that falls under the category "$#*! My Father Actually Did."  It's not a category that lacks for content on this blog.

So there you have it first-timers, hopefully you'll get some chuckles and come back again.  Maybe you'll even sign up to follow The LG Report by clicking on the button to the right (Hurry, it's only free while limited supplies last.  So you don't forget, click before midnight tonight!)

We now join our regularly-scheduled programming in progress. 

"Hell is other people."

 - Jean-Paul Sartre

Jean-Paul Sartre, the famous French philosopher, died in 1980.  Had he lived until 2010, I feel certain his famous quote would've been revised to say "Hell is going to the Verizon Wireless Store." 


In fact, a movie was made about people who had no choice but to go to the Verizon Wireless Store.  Here's the poster:

On Friday, I had to go to the Verizon Wireless Store because the trackball on my Blackberry was not working properly.  It wouldn't roll in the upwards direction.  It was more annoying than listening to Michael Bolten's bellyaching about being kicked off "Dancing With the Stars."

Upon entering the Verizon Wireless Store, which was befittingly hot, I typed my name into the Kiosk of Hades (not the technical name), in order to get onto Lucifer's Waiting List (also not the official designation, but you get the point.)  This act puts one in line to eventually be summoned out of the depths of limbo.  This is the First Circle of Verizon Wireless.  Don't worry, I won't go through all nine circles, but, if you visit the Verizon Wireless Store, you will.

After a couple of days, my name was called.  I folded up my tent, put away my Coleman stove, trimmed my foot-long beard and walked to the Service Counter to explain my problem to Louis.  I fully expected that he'd laugh in my face and tell me that a repair was impossible, or that the Blackberry would need to be shipped to the repair shop on the International Space Station for a month or more.  Or, at the very least, that he'd have to take it into the Verizon Wireless Store's back room, where things magical and unexplained routinely happened.  I'd love to sneak into that back room some day, but it's guarded like the royal vault.  I could swear that I caught a glimpse of Amelia Earhart's plane sitting in pieces back there once.  But let's return to the story.

This doesn't happen very often, however, a BONA FIDE USEFUL TIP is about to appear for readers of The LG Report, so pay careful attention.    

Louis turned my Blackberry face down on the counter, onto a piece of paper, and rolled it along on the trackball for about a minute while applying a bit of pressure.  This, apparently, dislodged the dirt from the trackball mechanism.  When he was done, a dark trail remaind on the paper -- caused by the dislodged dirt, he said.  The trackball was back to working like new!  It was a miracle!  No sending it away!  No costly replacement phone or new 2-year service agreement!  And no charge for the repair!  YES, I CAN YOU HEAR YOU NOW VERIZON WIRELESS! 

Sorry.  Didn't mean to scream.

I couldn't believe my good fortune as I walked out of the store with my phone completely repaired at no cost.  "Murphy's Law in reverse," I thought to myself while approaching my car.  I was on Cloud Nine. 

Until, that is, I noticed that my back passenger tire was completely flat. 

Honest, this is absolutely true.  I got my phone fixed for free, and a flat tire, in the same afternoon.  You can always count on Mr. Murphy and all the various manifestations of his Law to come through.  Now there's America's Most Reliable Network!

Thanks for stopping by, we hope to see you back here again soon.  And thanks again to Words of Wisdom  for making us today's BON!   


  1. Hello! I'm stopping by, via WOW. Congrats on being the BON! From what I've managed to read, it appears you truly DO deserve to be honored!:D
    Funny stuff....I'll be back!

  2. stopping by from WOW. Funny stuff and I look forward to following.

  3. Congratulations on your BON status! Very cool. I enjoyed all four of the pieces you wrote. They're not just funny but well-written as well. I'll be back!

    Thanks for sharing..........cj

  4. Congrats on your deserving BON day! FUNNY FUNNY POST!!!

  5. happy BON day...late to the party as usual :)
    i can't wait to read the $#*! my father says post!

  6. Yep. I came over here from WOW as well, and it was - is - well worth the effort. Terrific reading, and I definitely feel your Verizon pain. Wireless or no, I will be back. EFH

  7. That's a major bummer. At least you don't have to go back to the Verizon store to get the tire fixed. You only have to deal with auto mechanic hell.

    Wait. Is that a good thing?


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