Introducing The LGNN!

A few posts ago, The LG Report tried its hand at parodying real news.  While that was kind of fun, we're now going to take it a step further by introducing The LG News Network (LGNN), which will be comprised entirely of made-up stories.  So, really, it's not that different from FOX News, CNN and some of the others...

You're salivating for your LGNN fix, we know.  Let's not delay:
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NEWEST TOYOTA MODEL ANNOUNCED

(Torrance, CA) - Toyota today unveiled its newest car for the 2011 model year.  In accordance with new U.S. Department of Transportation "Truth-In-Naming" guidelines, the world's largest auto maker is calling its newest sedan the Toyota Recall.  As company Director of Product Development Yoshi Tanaku said, "We wanted to ACCELERATE our sales in the U.S., and this new model seems like a great way to create OUT OF CONTROL growth.  We're hoping that this car is a real SMASH in the American marketplace.  Even this sagging economy can't put the BRAKES on Toyota at this point."  The company also revealed that it is paying for a product placement for the new car in an upcoming sequel film,  "Total Recall 2."  [Yes, we know that writing the puns in all capitals was heavy-handed and unnecessary, but it amused us....]


T.V. HOST MAURY POVICH MAKES SURPRISE REVELATION

(Stamford, CT) - Maury Povich, host of the popular daytime show "Maury," [come on, you pause for it when flipping around the dial] disclosed today that his program's famed DNA tests, which seek to reveal paternity on national TV from among a number of suspects, are in fact, fake. "Real DNA tests cost a lot of money," he explained at a golf outing in South Carolina.  "As a midday show, we don't get big-time sponsors paying top ad rates with our audience of worker's comp cheats and the unemployed, so we have to cut corners.  We line up the photos of potential fathers alongside the baby's and our staff votes on who they think did the dirty deed.  If there's a tie we flip a coin. It's fast and cost-efficient.  I'm sure we're accurate at least 20% of the time, but it always makes for good television, so who cares?  This is what you get for going on a TV show for a medical procedure!"  [The LG Report apologizes in advance to any readers who met their real father on a "Maury" reunion show.]


LADY GAGA TO DON MEAT DRESSES AGAIN

Lady Gaga at the DeliWorld
Fashion Show in Bologna, Italy.

(Bellevue Psychiatric Hospital, NYC) - Singer and professional nut-job Lady Gaga, who made headlines recently by wearing a dress made entirely of meat (pictured at left), announced today that she will wear more meat outfits during her upcoming nationwide tour.  However, she's putting a twist on things by choosing meat garments that are tailored to the cities in which she'll perform.  "In Philadelphia, I will be wearing a tasteful cheesesteak pantsuit," she said from her home on Long Island, which is constructed entirely from Yodel and Ring Ding boxes.  "For the Milwaukee show, I'll be wearing a bratwurst skirt and matching tank top, and in Washington, D.C., I'll have an evening gown made entirely from rump roast." 











O'DONNELL AGAIN DENIES BEING A WITCH


O'Donnell reacts when told that her local
grocer had no more bat whiskers or lizard tooth.



(A Spooky House in Wilmington, DE) - U.S. Senate Candidate Christine O'Donnell again publicly denied being a witch, as portrayed by some critics of the Delaware senatorial candidate.  "I just pray to Satan that people believe me this time," she said to gathered reporters.  "I know I've burst on the national scene rather abruptly, but I think conservative Republicans respect me.  I know I've captured the eye of Newt.  Gingrich, that is."  She then invited the group to come into her spider web-laden office to "Sit for a spell."  Three of the reporters emerged from the meeting with tiny heads.   

SPORTS NEWS: ROTHLISBERGER BACK IN ACTION

Rothlisberger greets fans.

(Pittsburgh, PA) - Disgraced Steelers quarterback Ben Rothlisberger returned to action recently after a four-game suspension for allegedly commiting a rumored sexual assault on a supposedly young lady in what is speculated to be Georgia [As you can see, we don't want to be sued...]  While prosecutors elected not to bring charges against "Big Ben," the NFL nevertheless suspended him for violating league personal conduct guidelines.  Speaking to reporters from his table  at Primanti Brother's, Rothlisberger showed great class and sportsmanship in acknowledging one of his mentors and supporters, a man who was not previously known to have been a role model for the Steeler quarterback.  "All I can say," he told reporters, "Is thank God for Brett Favre!"

STUDENT'S IDENTITY REVEALED

Sorry, no refunds kid!

A Boston College Law School student made national news last week when he, or she, wrote an anonymous letter to an on-line newspaper requesting a full refund of three years' worth of tuition in exchange for not taking a diploma.  The student said that he or she was falsely lured into attending law school by the promise of a lucrative career, and now laid awake at night worrying about paying student loans.  B.C. Law, however, was able to determine the student's identity by checking enrollment records.  "It was quite simple," said the school's Assistant Dean of Students, "We looked at our third-year class list and realized that there was only one student named 'Pathetic Loser.' "


That's it for this time folks. If something in here made you laugh, or even smile, please consider sending a link along to friend or two.  Hey, why not, they're always sending annoying things to you!  And, as always, thanks for clicking in to The LG Report, we'll be back with a new post soon.  The LG Report: gluten-free and no new two-year activations are ever required!