Monday, January 24, 2011

McDonald's: LISTEN UP!

[Editor's Note: This is a re-post of an LG Report that first appeared on January 8, 2010 -- but only  Marilu Henner remembers that.  The LG Report has never before re-posted, but now we're hitting the big-time and mimicking all of the other wildly successful blogs.  However, to add a twist, we're editing (and improving upon) the original piece a bit.  Special thanks to The LG Report's Southeastern Marketing Manager, Jill, who suggested this re-post in the first place.]    

Why McDonald's Will Never Be Successful

Granted, that headline might be a tad dramatic -- and not quite accurate. Considering that McDonald's has 31,000 locations in 118 countries, LG begrudgingly concedes that it might be successful already. Their restaurants serve about 58 million people a day. Not bad. LG wouldn't mind having that many daily hits on The LG Report.

Before LG goes further, yes, yes, we know, you never eat at McDonald's. Just like you don't shop at Target. Neither does LG.  Let's proceed under that pretense, but please read on anyway...

This is a McDonald's, for those of you who don't know what one looks like, since you don't eat there.  LG bets your kids would recognize it. And LG thinks you would recognize it under different circumstances, like, say, if you were drunk at 3 a.m. In fact, you might even climb into the drive-thru window if you thought your Big Mac was being unnecessarily delayed.

This particular McDonald's is on Fulton Street in Manhattan. None of those people gave LG permission to take their picture, but their backs are to the camera, so screw 'em.
Do you remember little ole Clara Peller, the woman who screamed "Where's the beef?!!" in 1980s Wendy's commercials?  If Clara, who, LG believes, ate too much beef and died of colon cancer a while back, were here today to bellow her signature line, LG's response would be:

"The beef's right here and it's between LG and McDonald's!!!!" (We went with four exclamation points to show extreme anger and frustration...)

Allow LG to explain. Calmly, we promise.

The "Green Revolution" is everywhere. All of America, and the world, really, wants to be "green" and environmentally friendly.  It's hip, cool, stylish, in vogue.  Green is definitely "in." 

Save The Earth, It's The Only One We Have

Think Globally, Act Locally.

You've seen the t-shirts.  When in doubt, live your life according to t-shirt slogans.

LG came up with an excellent "green" idea that could save McDonald's millions of dollars. Literally, millions of dollars.  Maybe gadzillions even. And it would be good for the Earth.  It would also promote McDonald's image as a "green company," something that all businesses crave. Additionally, McDonalds' customers would feel like they're doing their part to help the environment.  Making your customers feel good is smart business. Did we mention that The LG Report has the highest average reader I.Q. of any blog in the internet?  But you probably knew that already since you're so smart.

This is a win/win/win/win idea all the way around.  LG could've added more "/wins" to that sentence, but we didn't want to exaggerate. It's a four-way win, at least, believe us. 

And LG's fee for bringing this great idea to McDonald's: NOTHING. NADA. ZILCH.  LG doesn't want a dime, he just wants to help the environment and stop waste.

Now to the idea (sometimes LG gets carried away with the build-up.)

If you purchase a "meal" at McDonald's, you'll get something resembling this:

Notice the big and bulky cardboard French fry box. Ironically, the soda cup contains a statement saying that McDonald's is working to reduce paper waste. LIARS!

LG'S IDEA: Give customers who are eating on premises the option of having their French fries placed directly into the top of the burger box. Simple.

By doing this, McDonald's would: 1) save the cost of a French fry box; 2) reduce landfill waste; 3) reduce the number of trees cut down to make French fry boxes; and 4) produce a myriad of other benefits, such as reducing the number of boxes of supplies that must be trucked around the country, thereby saving fuel.

The benefits to McDonald's and the Earth are plentiful. And the customer would feel good about saving a fry box from the eco-system. McDonald's could create a clever phrase for ordering this way. For example, "I'll have the eco-friendly number four meal." Or "I'll have a number six meal. LG Report style."  Hey, just a suggestion.

LG is sure that McDonald's has an army of advertising and marketing people who can figure something out. LG can't do everything for them.

Here's what an eco-friendly Green Meal would look like:

Folks, that's not an artist's rendition, that's an actual Green Meal as photographed by The LG Report. Astute readers may notice a few fries missing. We're sure they fell out in the bag; LG certainly didn't eat them.

Burp. Ok, you got LG again.

You would think that the McDonald's Corporation would be eager to solicit innovative ideas like this from customers...err, we mean bloggers. Again, LG doesn't eat there.

Well guess what...if you thought that, you'd be WRONG!

On the McDonald's website and you'll find a Frequently Asked Questions link. When you click on it, here's one of the questions you'll see: 

1. How do I share an idea with McDonald's about a new product, service, promotional concept or other innovation that I believe would benefit McDonald's?

In what can only be termed a perfect example of American corporate stupidity, when you click on that link, you're advised:

Translation: "Talk to the hand, 'cause the face don't understand!"

Why in the world wouldn't McDonald's just say "We don't accept outside suggestions" on the FAQ page? By luring people into a link that shoots them down, they're just creating more ill will. 

If McDonald's were in the Corporate America playpen, it would be the company eating its crayons. Super-sized crayons.

McDonald's website says that the company uses packaging to enhance their image and get their message across to consumers. Meanwhile, millions of French fry boxes are being needlessly manufactured and discarded, killing trees and burdening landfills. Is Mayor McCheese aware of this excessive waste?

LG is going to boycott McDonald's!

Unless, of course, he's really hungry and it's convenient at the time. But he'll definitely ask the counter person to put the fries in the burger box lid.  Somewhere, a tree will thank LG.  Or a branch anyway.


  1. That's really a pretty good idea. But now I'm craving an Angus burger with mushrooms and Swiss cheese....but I never eat there!

  2. Too funny! Especially about Mayor McCheese. But I never eat at McDonalds anyway.

  3. I though McDonald's would never be successful because it was scientifically proven that bumblebees couldn't fly. I obviously need to read your blog more and get smarter.

  4. Great idea, LG. It's about time Mickey D's caught on and realized how much cardboard they waist. Erm, waste. That was a slip, and it in no way should be construed as some sort of statement about what eating fast food can do to a certain area of your body.

  5. hahaha i loled :D you are talented writer :)

  6. Great re-post (and you know I love the rerun concept!) Too bad Mc'D's doesn't really want to hear your idea. Your account of the FAQs experience reminded me of a time (probably 18 years ago) when I was looking through a supplies catalog with a fellow nonprofit staffer. We were on the shredder page. "Oh look!" I said. "We should order one of these for our organizational suggestion box!" (As in, "I have an idea. Let me just stick it in the shredder here...") Alas, sometimes the people in charge are only interested in remaining in charge, and McDs has been in charge for a hell of a long time!

    I always enjoy the LG Report -- even the leftovers!

  7. If they really wanted to save paper they could serve the entire meal in those plastic wicker baskets and save not millions or even gadzillions but McMillions!!


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