Thursday, January 13, 2011

The Person of Walmart

Sorry, no drinks allowed outside.  And please be considerate of our neighbors when leaving The LG Report. Thank you.

Recently, LG had to visit Walmart to pick up a few things.

Most people with internet access have received at least one of those viral e-mails with photos of "The People of Walmart."

We think they originate, generally, from this entertaining WEBSITE.   (By the way, if you clicked on that, you're white trash.  But keep reading, we like you.)
Images of these folks danced in LG's head as he drove to Walmart.   Well, they not so much danced as pushed shopping carts with ample crackage showing.

LG assumed that Walmart would be fertile ground to snap photos of various miscreants for the enjoyment of the readers of The LG Report.  As long as we make fun of these poor people behind their backs, there's nothing morally wrong with it.  Unless they have peanut allergies, of course.

The classic image of a Person of Walmart, to LG, involves the exposed butt crack:

It seems to us that this guy mistakenly thought he was about to sit on a toilet.  If you look closely, you can spot a Chilean miner stuck in there.  Don't worry, he was brought up safely.

If there was a Civil War between East and West raging on this guy's butt, there would  be no mistaking where the dividing line stands.  That thing is the Grand Canyon of cracks.  You can see China down there.   

The photo above shows Michael Jackson's shopping cart at a Walmart shortly before his untimely passing.  Sorry, no, we got our pictures mixed up.  This was actually Brad and Angelina shopping for a new addition to the family.  Walmart carries everything. 

LG is no expert on dogs, thus he had a hard time identifying this breed.  Curiously, when LG tried to pet this pooch, he asked LG for a Coors Light and a Marlboro.  Nonetheless, the friendly canine devoured the Milk-Bone biscuit that LG keeps in his pocket for such occasions.  Then he asked LG if he could lay down a bet at OTB for him.  Very strange dog.  

Based on the above, LG's expectations were running high when he arrived at Walmart.  But preventing him from getting a good "People of Walmart" shot for you, dear readers, were two factors:

1. Trying to take a photo of someone at Walmart is very intimidating.  Seriously.  They all look like they can give you a good beat-down when the guard is not looking and they've all seen the "People of Walmart" website by now and realize that you're trying to publicly ridicule them; and

2. Frankly, there weren't really any freaks there that day.  Here was LG's best shot:

That's it.  Disappointing, right?

How's this: The guy in the day-glow vest looks like Flounder from "Animal House."  Although the real Flounder would be much older by now, and can probably live off his royalties without pushing Walmart carts.  Maybe that lady next to him lives in the U-Haul on the right, does that spice it up?  We bet she's wearing a thong!

Pretty lame, we know.

When it comes right down to it, LG himself, decked out in combat boots, cargo shorts and a t-shirt that said "Don't Eat Yellow Snow," was the worst-dressed weirdo at the Walmart that day.  LG was a Person of Walmart!  

But when you think about it, aren't we all really People of Walmart?

Isn't this great country made up entirely of People of Walmart?  These shoppers aren't flown in from foreign lands; they're all upstanding red-blooded Americans.  Thrifty, hard-working, humble, patriotic...that's who these people are.  

LG suggests that we should all embrace our Inner Walmart Shopper and take pride in who we are, and what we stand for.  After all, as one great American founding father said (LG can't be bothered Googling it right now): "If you don't stand for something, like low prices everyday, you'll fall for anything."  Amen.  

Live this day, and every one after it, in the true spirit of a Walmart shopper and be proud!

But please, just don't show us your butt crack.


  1. There was a man at our gym on Tuesday that had a serious crackage problem! It was embarassing! I think he was on his way to Walmart after class.

  2. I find going to Walmart good for the ego. :-) All my own teeth, no motorized cart needed -- I feel pretty spiffy!


  3. I'm saying no to crack!
    This was an amazing and hilarious post! Where have you been all my life!!!???

  4. This is SO funny! How can people not realize that their butts are hanging out??? And when did it become okay to drag kids around on a leash? I thought I was being rascally when I went to Walmart without putting makeup on. *not anymore*

  5. so funny not to mention gross - I blogged about Wal-Mart recently-ish.

    Check out -

  6. Thanks for stopping by David. I checked out your post, very funny!

  7. Lucky for me, I love guys who show their cracks.

  8. I splurted out my cup of tea at my computer screen when I saw that first photo - yeurgh! Then I snorted my tea up my nose because I laughed at your post so much. The Angelina/Brad comment made me choke. I now have tea stains down my top and can't stop coughing! It was well worth it. :)
    Wish we had a Wallmart.


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