Wednesday, January 26, 2011

More Saving, More Doing, More Cliches: Home Depot

For your protection, readers of The LG Report are under video surveillance at all times.  Yes, that includes you, the one in the bunny pajamas.  But not you in the adult diapers, we turned your camera off.
LG recently had to visit his local Home Depot to get some wood.  Why?  Good question.

You may remember Sophie, also known as Lucifer's Dog.  If you don't believe she's Lucifer's Dog (By the way, LG is not typing the bold-face and italics, that's happening by itself), look at this picture:
Clearly, that's the Green Eye of Evil, as chronicled in the Bible's Book of Narnia.  Don't stare too long, you'll turn into a pillar of salt substitute.  She's a healthy Lucifer's Dog.  

Anyway, for some inexplicable reason, at 18 months old, Sophie has suddenly decided that she isn't comfortable climbing "open" stairs that have no backing (or "risers.")   On many nights, Sophie will remain in the backyard, looking up from the bottom of the doggie door steps, while her owner, MIG, beckons her inside.

Eventually, Sophie will climb the stairs, reluctantly, like a chocolate chip cookie trying to sneak past Kirstie Alley.

So LG had to get some wood to close off the back of the stairs.  He took measurements, just like a real carpenter would, only using his patented Half-Assed Method.  Real carpenters live by the motto: "Measure twice, cut once."  LG goes by "Take your best guess, and save the receipt."   

Below is what the lumber section looks like at Home Depot.  You have your pine, maple, oak, cedar, synthetic compressed, particle board... that's about the extent of LG's wood knowledge.  Some of that might not actually be right either, so don't rely on it.  If you're building your house based upon recommendations from The LG Report, you have bigger problems anyway.   

LG didn't snap a photo of the accommodating gentleman who helped him.  Many of the Home Depot employees these days are angry ex-CEOs and investment bankers, so you don't want to piss them off.  They're just looking for an excuse to pop somebody, and taking their picture is plenty good enough.

Here's what this gentleman's more approachable co-worker looked like:    

Long story short (LG knows, you're saying "Already too late..."), LG "fixed" the stairs (in the loosest sense of the word) and Sophie seems to be a bit better about coming inside now. 

Home Depot is certainly no Walmart when it comes to people watching, but LG couldn't resist commenting on these photos: 

Is it just LG, or does anyone else see the subliminal sexual message here as this harlot tries to lure men into buying a faucet? 

It's just LG?  Oh, OK, we were afraid that might be the case.  Never mind.

This photo depicts the Home Depot that was specially built on the grounds of the Neverland Ranch in California.

When he asked her to walk down the aisle with him, she didn't realize it was Aisle 27, Cleaning Supplies.

Other than a bride and groom, there's not much else unusual in this photo.  Unless you count that caveman on the left.  He got laid off from GEICO and is just waiting to be fitted for his orange apron.       

Finally, here's a shot of LG driving home with his wood purchase.  He bought a little extra just in case his measurements were off:

Thanks for stopping by, and please come back soon.  If we didn't offend you today, we'll try harder next time...

And remember, The LG Report: More Savings, More Laughing!



  1. Holy crap! This post is so funny from beginning to end. My favorite part was the Kristie Alley reference, but also enjoyed the "guess and save the receipt". Ha ha! Nice job, LG.

  2. As usual, you make me laugh. Funny post! My husbands motto is, "If I can't afford to pay someone to do it, it's not going to get done!" Hence, there are many undone projects around our house!

  3. LG, I love how you "inject your humor" into random every day events. Like hitting the Home Depot. (which is totally different than hitting on the 12 year old in the faucet aile at the home depot) Who else could have such a funny story about fixing stairs??

    I'm not going to offend you by saying LOL. So I won't say it. But I think you get that I did it. LOL I mean.

  4. Great humor, and love the last photo!


The LG Report appreciates all comments, thanks for taking the time; Karma will probably award you a winning lotter ticket or something. The "or something" being more likely. But thanks again!