For your protection, readers of The LG Report are under video surveillance at all times. Yes, that includes you, the one in the bunny pajamas. But not you in the adult diapers, we turned your camera off.
LG recently had to visit his local Home Depot to get some wood. Why? Good question.
You may remember Sophie, also known as Lucifer's Dog. If you don't believe she's Lucifer's Dog (By the way, LG is not typing the bold-face and italics, that's happening by itself), look at this picture:
Anyway, for some inexplicable reason, at 18 months old, Sophie has suddenly decided that she isn't comfortable climbing "open" stairs that have no backing (or "risers.") On many nights, Sophie will remain in the backyard, looking up from the bottom of the doggie door steps, while her owner, MIG, beckons her inside.
Eventually, Sophie will climb the stairs, reluctantly, like a chocolate chip cookie trying to sneak past Kirstie Alley.
So LG had to get some wood to close off the back of the stairs. He took measurements, just like a real carpenter would, only using his patented Half-Assed Method. Real carpenters live by the motto: "Measure twice, cut once." LG goes by "Take your best guess, and save the receipt."
Below is what the lumber section looks like at Home Depot. You have your pine, maple, oak, cedar, synthetic compressed, particle board... that's about the extent of LG's wood knowledge. Some of that might not actually be right either, so don't rely on it. If you're building your house based upon recommendations from The LG Report, you have bigger problems anyway.
LG didn't snap a photo of the accommodating gentleman who helped him. Many of the Home Depot employees these days are angry ex-CEOs and investment bankers, so you don't want to piss them off. They're just looking for an excuse to pop somebody, and taking their picture is plenty good enough.
Here's what this gentleman's more approachable co-worker looked like:
Home Depot is certainly no Walmart when it comes to people watching, but LG couldn't resist commenting on these photos:
It's just LG? Oh, OK, we were afraid that might be the case. Never mind.
Other than a bride and groom, there's not much else unusual in this photo. Unless you count that caveman on the left. He got laid off from GEICO and is just waiting to be fitted for his orange apron.
Finally, here's a shot of LG driving home with his wood purchase. He bought a little extra just in case his measurements were off:
Thanks for stopping by, and please come back soon. If we didn't offend you today, we'll try harder next time...
And remember, The LG Report: More Savings, More Laughing!