Thursday, March 24, 2011

The LGR 50-State Interview Series Visits With Susan in Tennessee!

This installment of the critically-acclaimed LG Report 50-State Interview Series takes us to the Volunteer State for a conversation with Susan (in the Boonies), author of the critically-acclaimed (overuse, we know) blog Wild Life in the Woods.

The LG Report: Most of us would not have imagined that one could live a wild life in the woods. What are the nightclubs and restaurants like in the woods where you lead this wild life? And do you ever see Charlie Sheen at any of them?

Susan: You’d be amazed at the wild life in this place. The most popular local watering hole is just outside our door. I snapped a picture of a patron, so your readers could get the flavor of the place. Please note the look of satisfaction on the face of the diner, Jane Doe, as well as her very full cheeks:

We had a very nice restaurant about 15 minutes down the hill that we used to go to for our big nights out. It closed last month (probably due to not having been patronized by Charlie Sheen: no winning for them! ), to our very great sadness. There is not a lot of call for 4 star restaurants in the Boonies. For now, my Townie friends have to content themselves by eating in my kitchen. They seem pretty happy to do that, for the most part. (Have you seen my recipes on my blog? The index is located at the bottom of the right hand column of my blog, and is entitled: “Things We Eat in the Boonies” (CLICK HERE FOR SUSAN'S BLOG ) They’re worth a quick scan.

The LG Report: Your nickname for yourself is “Susan in the Boonies.” We’re interested in knowing exactly how Boonie-fied you really are. Please tell us how long it would take you to drive (or hitchhike or ride your horse, whichever is appropriate) from your house to:

1. The nearest hospital: _________

2. The nearest Walmart: __________

3. The nearest Denny’s/Shoney’s/Waffle House _________

4. The nearest Giorgio Armani Store (real, not knock-off): ________

5. The nearest opera house (note: not “Opry” house): __________


1. The nearest hospital is 35 minutes away. (Used for a sprained ankle.)

2. The nearest Walmart is 25 minutes away. (Used for obtaining White Cloud toilet paper. White Cloud is septic-tank-friendly, and that is a necessity for the Boonies.)

3. The nearest Waffle House (which is the only one of those three establishments I would even consider frequenting) where you get your “scattered, smothered and covered” (hash browns) is 30 minutes away, but the last time I was there, the open sore on the lip of the waitress put me off my feed.

4. The nearest Armani store appears to be in Hotlanta, about 5 1/2 hours away, but we do have an Army and Navy store, about 35 minutes away, which would probably suit our needs better for the most part, anyway.

5. The nearest opera house is 35 minutes away, and is the world class Schermerhorn Symphony Center. It’s awesome, and a fitting venue for a city hailed as Music City.

The LG Report: Did you know that Tennessee is tied with Missouri for having the most other states border it (eight.) Is this something that you take pride in? And how can you use that to your advantage in some way?

Susan: Certainly, being able to head for so many borders makes it very convenient, as long as you familiarize yourself with the various penal codes of each of those states, and head for the one that offers the most latitude in your area of crime. In general, we like Mississippi.

The LG Report: Living in the Boonies, we’re sure you’re used to all of the derogatory comments, such as “How many teeth do you have?” or “How long does it take you to walk to the outhouse?” We’re above cheap insults like that at The LG Report, especially because we don’t want to offend people like your husband, uncle, nephew, grandfather and brother-in-law. They are all the same man, right?

Susan: Makes Christmas shopping a breeze. It’s all done with one gift.

The LG Report: What’s the single best thing for a tourist to do on their first visit to the great state of Tennessee? And please don’t say “Go home.”

Susan: Honestly, I love Nashville. Small town feel with all the perks of a big city. Great music. Great people. I don’t have a bad thing to say about it

The LG Report: Which city do you like better and why: Memphis or Nashville?

Susan: Memphis, Shmemphis: what the heck is Memphis? As you may have sensed, there is a bit of rivalry between the two. I visited there last week, in fact, and my daughter and son both actually have fallen in love with the place. It really is a great place for tourists! But I adore living near Nashville.

LG is not interested in this movie.
The LG Report: Your profile is very vague, you merely list your location as “The Boonies, Tennessee” and no e-mail address is provided to contact you. Are you by any chance an inmate at a Women’s Correctional Facility? It won’t turn us on if you are, so feel free to tell the truth. But if you are, please include photos. And please describe graphically any catfights you may have had recently.

Susan: I am not an inmate with the Tennessee Department of Corrections for the simple fact that I am a law-abiding citizen. I am a law abiding citizen because of my deep-seated fear (impending pun alert) of orange jumpsuits, and the fact that the size of my rear end in an orange jumpsuit might cause me to receive solicitations for ads emblazoning See Rock City all over the back of my ...jumpsuit. Not that it would be a bad thing to have “World’s 8th Wonder” written back there. I may need to re-think my aforementioned law-abiding policy.

The LG Report: Your blog contains some recipes and you refer to the Bible quite a bit. LG doesn’t do either of these things, and he has significantly fewer followers than you. Are you aware of any good recipes in the Bible that we can post here on The LG Report?

Susan: John the Baptist was partial to locusts and wild honey, although personally, I haven’t tried it. Might be a good weight loss plan: lots of protein. Why don’t you try that, and get back with me?

The LG Report: If a reader new to Wild Life in the Woods wanted to click somewhere to get to one of your best posts, which would you choose and why? Be brief in your description however, since LG has a short attention span (also, people might be afraid that clicking on a link leading them into the woods might give them Lyme Disease and/or Cooties.)

Susan: I like this one THIS ONE where I went dress shopping with my daughter for my dress for the Emmys. I have other favorites, but your attention span is brief.

Tennessee's three largest employers.
 The LG Report: If you were evicted from Tennessee for not paying sales tax on the moonshine that we know you make in your basement (don’t deny it, everyone in your state does it), which state would you choose to live in and why?

Susan: The threat of eviction from Tennessee does not frighten me. I could easily evade it. I hail from West Virginia originally, where people know how to lie through their tooth.

The LG Report: You call your husband “The Big Bison” on your blog. Please explain why he is so bison-like. Rest assured that no cannibals read The LG Report so they won’t be coming after him to cook up a nice bison burger. Although if you’ve posted bison burger recipes on your blog, please link us.

Susan: To answer that question, I’ll give you THIS LINK.  I do make Bambi burgers, and I think I’ll post a recipe for those tomorrow. You’ve inspired me!

The LG Report: How many direct descendants of Davy Crockett do you know?

Susan: I bought my son a coonskin cap at Cracker Barrel when he was just a wee tot. That’s about as close to Davy Crockett as I’ve ever gotten.

The LG Report: Al Gore. Please explain.

Susan: Some things are inexplicable. Some might even say inexcusable. But, in all honesty, you and I are communicating today via his internet, so, I will humbly just say, “Thanks, Al”.

The LG Report: If Oprah Winfrey (host of the sister TV show to The LG Report) said to you “Susan in the Boonies, you can be on my show only but only if you’ll entertain our viewers with some unique talent of yours,” which of your talents would you call upon?

Susan: I’d do a cooking segment. We’d laugh our heads off, eat the incredible food I’d prepared, and we’d bond. She’d invite me over to hang with her and her best friend Gail the following weekend. I excel at being a girlfriend.

The LG Report: If you could change one thing about Tennessee, anything, a law, a geographic feature, demographic feature, etc. what would it be?

How'd this poster get in here again?
Susan: I’d kick most of the guitar players out of Nashville so my hubby could get more work. (Which would turn Nashville into a ghost town.)

The LG Report: Ok, for our last question Susan, here’s one that we like but don’t use that often: What question should we have asked you that we didn’t and what’s your answer to that question?

Susan: “Where would you like your exorbitant payment for this interview sent?” Answer: Directly to my mailbox.

Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s in the mail.

Thanks again for stopping by Susan, you did an excellent job, especially for someone who is usually ensconced in the woods and pointing a shotgun at unannounced visitors!

If you want to pick up some delicious recipes - and enjoy excellent writing - stop by to say hello to Susan at Wild Life in the Woods .  We're sure she'd love to have you. 

And don't forget, the deadline to submit a photo of your (or a friend/family member's) pet is this Monday, March 28th at 5 pm Eastern.   Send your photo to along with one sentence describing your contestant and/or explaining why he/she deserves to win.  We already have a number of entries, but there's always room for more.  The winner will get a nice gift of pet-appropriate treats and/or toys.

See you back here again soon kids!


  1. I am rapidly running out of adjectives to describe how very funny, entertaining, clever, witty, hilarious, enjoyable, readable you are! And I think you've almost outdone yourself with your hot-seat choice this week. However is your bride going to be able to keep up with you? You just keep on raising the bar!

    Thanks for a wonderful interview, Lazarus! I think you ought to seriously consider giving up the day job now and doing this full-time.

  2. Thanks, Lazarus. I had fun being interviewed by you! I sincerely hope this does not end up being the post that you recognize someday as the pivotal point at which your readership sadly dwindled.

    Warmest regards,

    Susan in the Boonies

  3. Crocket Schmocket. Now Danial Boone was a man--a biiiig man. They named all the boonies after him. Wasn't he Kentuckey? Always get that one mixed up with Tennessee. But then I'm from Baltimore. We lie through our toof.

  4. I think Susan would look charming in orange; isn't she an Autumn?! Her recipes sound amazing, and I hope to be an official taste-tester one day.

  5. Susan is great!

    Note: Comment author has never actually met "Susan." No endorsement, real or implied, is included with this comment. Remuneration not received in exchange for these words. No animals were harmed in the making of this comment.

  6. Nice interview. Now I have to go read the other states.

  7. Susan, it was The LG Report's pleasure to interview you, thanks again for participating! We're sure, if anything, your presence here will add to our readership, not diminish it. Thanks again, you were awesome!

  8. Oh, and to William Earl of Baltimore II: You're right, Daniel Boone is more known for his association with Kentucky, but he did blaze his Wilderness Road through Tennessee and we heard he was very friendly with the local ladies, if you know what we mean, thus the question about local relatives. The LG Report cannot be held liable for being historically accurate or, for that matter, accurate in any regard. Thank you.

  9. Oh man, I was really hoping to get the Biblical recipes here. Especially wanted to learn the water-into-wine trick.

  10. This was a really fun interview. I have to go check out her blog, now. I've never been to Nashville, but have been to Memphis!

  11. Great interview with Susan...never would have found your blog if I didn't know her! Thanks!

  12. Lazarus - you always manage to find people who match you wit for wit - I love this interview :)

    (and I may or may not have a shirt that says "Panorama" across my backside... reminiscent of the "8th world wonder" jumper... in retrospect having the school name printed on the back of the shirt was a bad plan... but made for a pretty funny PTA year)

  13. I was laughing out loud all over the place...AGAIN! You are hilarious and this was a hilarious interview. I'm off to check out that Boonies blog!

  14. Wasn't Kentucky and Tennessee one big thing back then? Didn't they call it Virginia? Sounds like cousin Danl's the one who got a little organic down in those parts, like you say. Probly has something to do with why they split it all up. Or was that Davy? Didn't one of them go all the way up through the fourth grade, and the other one became a Congressman? Which one was it? Of course we down here in Baltimore don't care nut nabout history either.

  15. LG..
    A follower of Susan's who now is following you! Susan, it would not suprise me at all if you find yourself cooking with Oprah someday!

  16. What Desiree said = ditto...

    I think this is my favorite one since I started reading your blog. kt

  17. This is my first visit to your blog; I found it from Susan's. If your posts are all this funny, I'm a new fan!

  18. What a fantastic interview! A great read and you sure did capture the witty personality of Sooz, that I assume she has. :)

    I do win on question 3 of how far into the boonies does she really live. I'm 55 miles from the nearest Denny's. The others, I can agree on. The 1/2 hr from a hospital stinks sometimes, tho!

    Please post on your blog, Susan when you are heading to Oprah's. I'll throw in a free visit IRL and will actually tune in to the show that day. You'll be a HIT! :)

  19. Lazarus, I love these interview questions. I can feel the dialogue bouncing back and forth. Reminds me of the Saturday Night Live episode with Alec Baldwin about NPR. Charming.

    While I am not as Booni-fied as Susan, I feel her pain on a few of those topic. Giorgio who?

  20. Great interview! Another follower of Susan's who is now following you.

  21. Favorite question: Are you aware of any good recipes in the Bible that we can post here on The LG Report?

    Favorite Answer: Certainly, being able to head for so many borders makes it very convenient, as long as you familiarize yourself with the various penal codes of each of those states, and head for the one that offers the most latitude in your area of crime. In general, we like Mississippi.

    Great Job Guys!

  22. Loved the interview! Love the questions and the answers!

  23. Very funny! Loved your banter. Thanks for the laughs! :-)

  24. My favorite part of this interview was "not Opry" house. Ha ha!

    Cool to learn about the great state of Tenn. Somewhere I have never been and somewhere I will likely never go.

  25. now that's my kind of interviewed, totally skewed q&a. thanks for the chuckles!

  26. Actually the thing in the bible that impressed me the most is the part where the Israelites (which the computer assures me I can't spell correctly, but which doesn't seem to have any better ideas of it's own) invented ordering in. Manna might not be pizza, but it still beats cooking!

  27. What a riot!

    I'm trying to think how to describe the circuitous route that led me to you - hmmm....Susan in the Boonies and I shared a Post of the Week award from the Smitten Image; she left a comment for me - I went to her place to reciprocate - she linked to you, and now I'm FOLLOWING YOU!

    I'd love to do an interview with you, but Susan and I live in the same boonies! I loved and agree with almost all her answers, except the one about Nashville vs Memphis - I used to live in Memphis, and HATED IT. I have seen exactly two actual fights in my life - I'm talking men hitting, kicking, down-in-the-floor-ready-to-kill-each-other fights - and they were both in Memphis. Memphis is scary.

    Loved this!


The LG Report appreciates all comments, thanks for taking the time; Karma will probably award you a winning lotter ticket or something. The "or something" being more likely. But thanks again!