Monday, July 5, 2010

Seaside Heights (and Depths): July 4th at The Jersey Shore

Look, let's lay our cards on the table.  If you read The LG Report, you're at least familiar with the MTV show "The Jersey Shore."   Odds are good that you're even a full-on regular viewer. 

Admit it.  The truth will set you free.

Today, LG went to Seaside Heights, where the majority of "The Jersey Shore" is filmed, to provide a firsthand account of the boardwalk for our readers. 

It's a long holiday weekend and we don't want your head to hurt too much from reading, so this is mostly a picture essay with captions.  You like it that way, we know.

The crowd on the boardwalk in Seaside Heights is eclectic, to say the least.  And their fashion sense reflects this; it's far-ranging and liberal when it comes to boardwalk-wear.   As Geo observed, "You can't really wear anything that makes you look bad on this boardwalk."  The picture above doesn't really do the assortment justice, but LG avoided pointing the camera at some of the more exotic looking ensembles for fear of instigating a fight.

This picture gives you a bit of a better sense of the assortment of fashions.  The majority of the people visible in this photo have done something illegal in the last 24 hours, no doubt. 

As LG walked past this fine establishment, he heard a woman in front if him say to her friend (100% true):  "I just feel like I should get something pierced."  The mood just struck her, much like one might say "I feel like eating a hot dog today."  Cruisin & Co. is clearly a high-end retailer, possibly a subsidiary of Tiffany & Co.  Who else would proudly advertise on their sign "Nascar Apparel?"  Note the dummy on the right side of the photo.  And the mannequin next to him.

How many people can you spot in this photo wearing things that they shouldn't be wearing?  The over/under is 10.

It's hard to read the sign among all the tank tops, but smack in the middle of this photo is a guessing booth.  The 19-year old "expert guesser" attempts to guess one's age within two years, weight within three pounds or birth month within two.  If he's wrong, the participant receives a prize.  Here's LG's actual conversation with the guesser (yes, actual!):

LG: "How do they train you to do this job?"

Guesser: "They don't, I just answered an ad on Craigslist."

LG:  "But if you guess wrong frequently, it can cost them money."

Guesser: "I usually guess wrong, everyone has been winning today."

LG suspected the Guesser was high or, possibly, just N-RITH (Not Right In The Head.)

Henry used his considerable baseball prowess and rifle arm to knock down three heavy (leaden) milk bottles, twice, in order to win the largest prize in the booth, a big Pikachu doll on just his first three throws.  LG spent about $90 to win two considerably smaller prizes.   

This is the ride called "Sky Scraper."  Two people get strapped into seats on each end and are spun around in all sorts of ways at a fairly high altitude.  You'd probably puke if you rode it.  LG believes that a good business would be to sell umbrellas to the people waiting in line below.

If LG ever goes to the electric chair (which may be the solar-powered chair in our green future), his last meal will definitely have waffles and ice cream involved.  Kohr's, a New Jersey boardwalk institution, would be the provider.  On a more optimistic note, LG would also have waffles and ice cream served at his first state dinner should he be elected president of the United States.  In either event, don't spare the powdered sugar!

Here's a look at said waffles and ice cream before LG launched his offensive on them.  That's one order, cut in two.  LG would take his sweet time working this way through these babies if he knew 500 volts of electricity were awaiting him at after the meal.  He'd also be slow if he knew he'd have to make small talk with the prime minister of Sweden.  You can see how this could easily go either way...

The day ended with a good old-fashioned Fourth of July fireworks display. 

It was quite enjoyable, despite those phone lines visible in the foreground.  LG pulled the car over to the side of the road and insisted on watching the entire presentation, despite everyone in the vehicle's impatience and desire to get going.  As LG pointed out, you're not really a patriotic American unless you watch the fireworks in their entirety. 

LG has already e-mailed the names of everyone in the car to the authorities investigating the Russan spy ring.

Happy July 4th everyone from The LG Report

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