Monday, May 10, 2010
The Greek Financial Crisis is Over; Belmont Trifecta Pays Big!
By Stavros Carabasesmarkatoskambospanagotacoscominos
ATHENS (FETA News Service) — The Greek government was able to emerge from its potentially-ruinous financial crisis today when its $5.3 billion bet on the 6th race trifecta at Belmont Park paid off handsomely.
"See, there was nothing to worry about," said Prime Minister George Papandreou from the kitchen of his brother's diner, where he was filling in for a no-good short order cook who didn't even bother to call in sick.
"We knew in our hearts all along that the other nations were exaggerating, especially the tight-fisted Germans. Those people don't have a reputation for being cheap for nothing," he added while assembling a cheeseburger deluxe, hold the tomato (4 Euros on Wednesdays with a free soda; sorry, no substitutions.)
"I worked hard to dope out the sixth at Belmont," he said from his uncle's taverna on the island of Andros, where he was filling in for a sick waiter [Editor's Note: "sick" our butt, the bum was probably up late watching the soccer and drinking ouzo.]
"I knew that with a $5.3 billion bet, I had to be confident in the horses on which we were betting the people's money. We take our role as stewards of the public trust very seriously in the Greek government. In fact, I don't want to brag, it's not the Greek way, but to be extra safe, I even sent my cousin Nikos up to the window with the bet. He's the honest one with the bad leg and droopy eye. I don't trust my cousin Demetrios, you have to watch him like a hawk, especially when he's working the register. He's got some Italian blood in him."
Finishing in the money for the Greek people were Let's Riot to Protect Our Cushy State Jobs ($42.30), Screw the Krauts if They Think We'll Ever Sell Islands ($23.50) and Betcha Didn't Know Tina Fey Is Greek ($12.00).
With the crisis averted, Prime Minister Papandreou is already making big plans to fatten the country's coffers and return Greece to solid financial footing.
"We're going to get a soft serve ice cream machine for the summer, it's always a big seller," he revealed.
"And I've been looking at a couple of longshots at Aquaduct, I think we may invest some of tax revenue over there." But, he noted in a firm voice, "We're cautious, we're done playing fast-and-loose with the European Community's fiancial backing. If Nikos isn't around to bring the bet to the window, we sit the race out."
Prime Minister Papaandreou also asked this reporter to mention that in Greece, all baking is done on premises, so tourists should start planning their visits now! (But please note: restrooms are for customers only.)