Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The LGNN Cuts Through the Election Noise

All of the effective U.S. legislators gathered
in front of the Capitol Building for this photo.  

Whew, what an Election Day. 

So much transpired, nationwide, that it leaves the average voter confused.  Well, sit back and allow The LG News Network (LGNN) to provide you with just the highlights -- the essential things that every right-thinking American needs to know to make sense of yesterday's results.

Delaware - Christine O'Donnell, Tea Party-backed Republican candidate, lost her bid for a U.S. Senate seat to Christopher Coons.  O'Donnell had been dogged by reports that she was a practicing witch.  Shortly after polls closed, she came clean.

This educational
Christine O'Donnell
doll will help your
kids with their "spelling."


"Yes, I'm a witch, I can now admit it," she announced from atop the Statehouse, where she had landed her broom.  "And I'm cashing in on my 15 minutes of fame by selling these shiny new Christine O'Donnell dolls, just in time for the holidays.  And, by the way, don't tell me that you didn't know that Pelosi is a witch too!"

Senator-Elect Random Paul

Kentucka - Rand Paul, another Tea Party-backed conservative, won a U.S. Senate seat in Kentucka.  When asked what his favorite county was, the newly-elected Senator got quite testy with reporters.  "Hey, I'm Rand Paul, not Rand McNally, I don't know all the freakin' counties in this state."   When pressed, he revealed his full name:  "My legal name is 'Random Paul,' and that's the way I intend to govern," he said, shortly before announcing that he will push for legislation to outlaw the wearing of blue jeans by Americans on Wednesdays.

California - Former E-Bay CEO Meg Whitman lost her $140 million bid to become the next governor of California.  It was the most expensive governor's race in U.S. history.  "My bad," she told supporters at her election-night headquarters, "I was under the mistaken impression that the governorship was available for purchase like everything else on E-Bay. I didn't even get a chance to put in my final bid!"  Political observers commended Ms. Whitman for not running on her looks.   

Marge C. reacts to Anna Little's defeat.
And, finally, an update on Anna Little, the Tea Party-approved candidate for Congress in New Jersey's 6th Congressional District.  As regular readers of The LG Report will recall, Marge C., who can be seen endorsing Ms. Little in the clip at this LINK, was a fervent supporter.  She convinced The LG Report to officially endorse Ms. Little's candidacy with the threat of the insertion of a human appendage into the posterior ("My foot up your ass," in the vernacular.)  Unfortunately, Ms. Little did not prevail, thereby causing The LG Report's success rate on political endorsements to plummet to zero.  But hey, at least we can still sit down. 

Thanks for stopping by, see you back here soon!



  1. You are so funny, in a sick kind of way. I like that in a person!

  2. Funny recap! Those outside of California were not subjected to the Carly Fiorini ads. Thank God she lost to Boxer! Carly scared the hell out of me, and in the same year as Christine O'Donnell, brought to mind the Wizard of Oz question: Are you a good witch or a bad witch? Put Carly and Christine side by side, and Carly is most definitely the bad witch!


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