Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The 50-State Interview Series Continues with Our Maine Attraction: Eva Gallant!

[Welcome to readers linking here from Wikileaks, which just posted a confidential State Department cable revealing that the U.S. Government gets all its diplomacy tips from The LG Report!]

Regular readers of The LG Report (and constipated ones too) know that we don't normally use people's last names -- a practice which keeps lawsuits to a minimum -- but we're making an exception today for renowned blogger Eva Gallant of Maine. 

Eva writes the hugely successful blog "Wrestling With Retirement" which can be accessed by clicking HERE.

Eva graciously agreed to be the subject of our 50-State Interview Series installment on the great state of Maine.  [Yes, we're just randomly bold-facing words at the moment, please bear with us.]

For those of you who want to take a nostalgic look back, and we know there are many, here are links to interviews for Massachusetts,   Florida,   Pennsylvania,   California,   Montana , Ohio,  and the one that kicked it all off, New York.     

So, without further delay, let's put Eva in the hotseat...

The LG Report: Why are Maine lobsters so big and tasty? What makes them better than Kansas lobsters?

Eva Gallant: Everyone knows that Kansas Lobsters are wheat- fed and are raised in wheat fields. The lack of ocean water causes them to be rather dry, like Maine humor. Maine Lobsters are raised on Maine Potatoes and Maine Blueberries. Did you know Maine and Michigan grow more blueberries than any of the other states? And considering the difference in geographic size, it’s amazing that Maine and Michigan are so close in the quantities grown…whoops, did I stray off the subject there? Maine Lobsters are raised on Maine Potatoes and Blueberries and can play guitar and swim in the ocean whenever they want!

A rockin' Maine lobster shows his guitar talents.
 LGR:  Did your car break down in Maine or are you hiding from the law?

EG: Actually, I have a house arrest ankle bracelet that restricts me to the state of Maine. If I cross the border, the authorities are alerted and show up out of nowhere to escort me back.

Please note electronic ankle monitoring device on right leg.  They come in five colors to match any shoe.

LGR:  The Maine winter. Please explain.

EG:  Maine has two seasons: Winter and summer. Summer arrives July 1st and makes its exit on or about July 23rd.

LGR:  Rumor is that there is no "Eva Gallant," and that you're really Stephen King. Please respond. And please don't drop a bucket of blood on us for asking.

EG:  It’s a valid question, since Stephen King is the only Maine Writer that anyone outside of the state has ever heard mentioned. In reality, I’ve never met him, but my best friend from high school’s ex-husband took a writing class with him back in the 60s before he became famous. Does that count?

LGR:  Are you related to "Gallant" of the "Goofus and Gallant" feature in Highlights Magazine, a staple of every dentist's office? If you'll recall, Gallant always did the right thing, and Goofus was always getting in trouble. Can you tell us about one of your own Goofus moments in life?

EG:  Most of my Goofus moments can be found on my blog. Click  HERE  or HERE  to read about two of them.

LGR:  What's the best tourist attraction in Maine, one that should not be missed by any of the 468,567 readers of The LG Report who'll descend on your state this summer after reading this interview? Please give us something that only a local would know.

EG:  Probably the “Seven Wonders of God’s Creatures," in Houlton, Maine. It’s truly unique and something you would find nowhere else!

 [For more information on this unique Maine tourist attraction, please click HERE. ]

Of course, if it’s just plain beauty that you’re looking for, Maine is loaded with beaches, lighthouses, rocky cliffs overlooking the ocean, I could go on and on. Acadia National Park would be the best place, but even President Obama knows about that place. I don’t think he’s visited the Seven Wonders.

LGR:  Did your husband's last name create unrealistic expectations among your family before the marriage?

Eva's competition fighting for business back in the day.
EG: They were just relieved that I was finally done walking the streets with my mattress on my back.

LGR:  You are wrestling with retirement. Have you ever accidentally touched his junk while wrestling? Don't be embarrassed to reveal the truth, nobody really reads The LG Report anyway.  This is just between us.

EG:  Accidently? (Giggle) Never! But I can tell you, that’s some tired junk!

LGR:  If you couldn't live in Maine, what state would you live in and why?

EG:  The state of constant inebriation; ‘cause I couldn’t face life outside of Maine for a very long period of time any other way!

Geo tries to avoid his fans with a disguise
 LGR:  We know that you don't know Geo, but for this question, just assume that to know him is to want to kill him. If Geo came to Maine and asked you to be his tour guide, how would you accidentally knock him off:

a. Take him onto a boat and induce him to crawl into a lobster trap to get a better look and then slam it closed and throw it overboard after jabbing him a few times with your sailor's knife?

b. Get him the first spot in line at the LL. Bean Outlet in Freeport on Black Friday so that he will be trampled to death by bargain hunters?

c. Upon first meeting, shoot him in the face with your 12-gauge and then simply say to the police "Sorry, I thought he was a moose. But he's from New York, so who cares?"

Note: If you have another creative Maine-centric way to kill Geo please let us know.

EG:  I kinda’ like “C” but it would probably be easier to just take him up north and leave him in the Allagash. If the bears don’t get him, come spring the black flies will!

LGR:  Do you ever get sick of all those businesses with names based on puns of the word "Maine," like "Maine Event," "Maine Street," "Trim Your Maine" and "Maine-ly Clothes?

EG:  There are 25 businesses based on that pun in my area phonebook alone! I Maine-ly ignore them!

LGR:  Do you ever plan on moving back to the United States?

EG:  I thought I might retire there……whoops, I’m already retired. Oh, well, maybe in my next life!

LGR:  Would you consider yourself to be Maine's #1 blogger? You have this honor according to The LG Report.

EG:  That’s a pretty good possibility, since only about 5 households in Maine actually have electricity, and if you don’t count the blogs sent by smoke signals.

That's it for this posting folks, our warmest thanks to Eva Gallant for being our main Maine interview subject and discussing Maine-stream issues with us.  Eva will receive the same LG Report gift that all of our other interview subjects have received, namely "stu gots" as our Italian friends would say.  And if you have some time, please check out Eva's Blog, it's very entertaining.

We thank everyone for stopping by and we hope to see you here again soon!


  1. Thanks for inviting me. Now I'm waiting for you to fulfill your end of the bargain.

  2. way to go with the quirky interview, eva! and mr lgr, i found you to be quite amusing! i may just need to read some more of your stuff now.

  3. That was absolutely worth the click. :-)


  4. Way to go Eva and LG. I loved this!

    Eva is the greatest and I'm a big fan. You picked the perfect representative for your Maine interview!

    Cheers, jj


The LG Report appreciates all comments, thanks for taking the time; Karma will probably award you a winning lotter ticket or something. The "or something" being more likely. But thanks again!