Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The 50 State Interview Series Touches Down (After Considerable Weather Delays) in Minnesota with Pearl!


Today, The LG Report throws on the old down jacket and dog sleds it to Minnesota, where we'll be interviewing Pearl, a very successful Minneapolis blogger who's going to provide some unique insights into "The Land of 10,000 Lakes."

Pearl's very funny blog, "Pearl, Why You Little..."  can be accessed by clicking HERE.   That's Pearl on the left.  You expected her to be wearing a string of pearls, didn't you?  That's because you have a juvenile streak, which draws you to The LG Report's sophomoric humor.  Good, we need readers like you, please stick around.  Readers expecting Public Broadcasting-style sophisticated humor can gather out at the lobby wine bar to make snide remarks over brie.  But please return.  When it comes down to it, The LG Report doesn't turn anyone away (we may turn your stomach, but we won't turn you away.)             

The photo above of the Minnesota welcome sign was taken on July 4th.  Minnesota generally looks like this the other 364 days of the year:

OK, the house lights are flashing, on to the interview.

The LG Report:  Pearl, would you ever consider marrying Neil Diamond or would the name thing be too much of an issue?  
She coulda been Mrs. Pearl Diamond.

Pearl:  Neil and I are no longer on speaking terms.   When he apologizes for defaulting on that car loan I co-signed on, we'll talk. 

The LG Report:  Would your sisters Ruby and Turquoise feel the same way?

Pearl:  Ruby and Turquoise are currently being held pending trial on incitement charges -- the last name "Diamond" would be an improvement over the name to which they currently respond: Fresh Meat.

The LG Report:  Your very funny blog is called "Pearl, Why You Little..."  Could you please finish that sentence for us?

Pearl: ....that started out as free, daily silliness and has turned into a six-figure-a-year enterprise.  While I no longer use Suave shampoo, it is true that I make Wienie Water Soup at least once a month "for the good times." 

The LG Report: If The LG Report were more on the ball, we would've had your interview ready for posting on Pearl Harbor Day.  December 7th must be an interesting day for you.  Is there something you're harboring?  Is that the one day each year when you tell people what you really think of them -- Pearl Harboring Day?

Pearl:  Oh, see I totally misunderstood the day!  For years now I've insisted my friends let me sleep on their couch on Pearl Harboring Day!

The LG Report:  You must live near the Twin Cities, everyone with a computer in Minnesota does.  The Twin Cities always dress alike and we can't tell them apart.  Please inform us of the difference. 

Gov. Jesse in his wrestling days.
Pearl:  You're right about me living in the Twin Cities.  I live in Minneapolis proper (which is a far cry from Minneapolis improper, believe you me).  The difference between Minneapolis and Saint Paul?  Minneapolis is the more cosmopolitan of the two, with an active nightlife.  Saint Paul, on the other hand, is full of long-haired men in tight pants and streets laid out in a confusing, spoked-wheel manner, using the capital as its center.  Our former governor, Jesse Ventura, described them as having been designed by a drunken Irishman, a comment for which he took much heat.  Confused, I asked all the drunken Irish men I know and they all agreed: those streets are really baffling.

The LG Report: What's your favorite winter seasonal activity in Minnesota?  Please remember that this is a G-rated blog (or Glog; we just made up that word but feel free to use it), not a Rlog or Xlog, so please keep it clean.  Not that we think you wouldn't, but you do seem to have a bit of a Xlogger's risque tendencies in you...

Pearl: I'm glad you caught that.  I have a disturbingly dirty mind, one I take out regularly and exercise.  As for seasonal activities, I would have to list drinking, yelling, and making stuff up.  I was raised just prior to everyone magically knowing how to ski, my toes have frozen too many times for ice skating to be comfortable, and ice fishing is just another perverted reason to sit on an overturned five-gallon bucket on and iced-over lake.  Who needs it?  So, yeah.  Drinking, yelling and making stuff up.  

The LG Report:  Frankly, and we're going to be blunt with you here, the rest of America is sick of seeing "Land of 10,000 Lakes" on Minnesota license plates.  Please pick a new state motto from among these choices:

A.  Minnesota: Land of One Big-Ass Mall
B.  Minnesota: At Least We're Not South Dakota!
C.  Minnesota: Too Cold For Gangs!
D. Minnesota: Why, You Little...
E. Minnesota: Land O' Lakes Butter (this is a sponsored slogan) 

Pearl is not shatting us.  This is the roller coaster in the mall.

Pearl:  Tired of our state motto?  Is that right?  Shoot.  Well, I'm gonna have to go with A, then, LG.  "Minnesota: Land of One Big-Ass Mall."  I mean, have you been in there?  I have.  Three times.  Did you know they have a roller coaster in there?  They do. 

The LG Report:  Your blog name, "Pearl, Why You Little...," when held up to a mirror and read sideways, after rubbing lemon juice on it, spells out "Garrison Keillor." Please explain.

Pearl:  If you could see the two of us together, well, the resemblance is uncanny.  We sometimes swap glasses and cardigans, just to play with people's heads.  It's silly, but it's mild-mannered and polite, which is how we like it.

The LG Report: What would you say is Minnesota's best kept secret tourist attraction?

Pearl:  That would have to be the jars of pickled eggs and pigs' feet available in so many of our smaller bars.  I'm actually quite a fan of the pigs' feet, but pickled eggs? That's just gross.

Government Warning: Do not confuse this:


With this:  
The LG Report:  Can we see the certified audit report on the number of lakes?

Pearl:  Yes.  

The LG Report:  We know you don't know Geo, but everyone who knows him would like to kill him.  Please accept that fact and then tell us how you would kill Geo if he ever visits Minnesota: 

A.  Leave him out in the elements on a really cold night, like, say, August 10th;
B.  Push him into one after another of the supposedly 10,000 lakes until he drowns; 
C.  Shoot him in front of Target's world headquarters at 1000 Nicollett Mall in Minneapolis and then tell the police "Sorry, he was Targeted;" or
D.  Serve him a cyanide-laced mini soda (we'll pause while readers absorb that pun) (we're still pausing....) (OK, that should be good.)

Pearl:  Poor Geo.  As Target is a mere handful of blocks away from where I work, I'm going to go with C: Shoot him in front of Target's world headquarters at 1000 Nicollet Mall in Minneapolis and then tell the police "Sorry, he was Targeted."  That way I could kill him over my lunch hour.    

The LG Report: How do you blog with mittens on? 

Pearl:  Have you seen my toes?


That's all for today folks, thanks again to our special guest, Pearl, whose very entertaining blog can be accessed by clicking HERE.  Also, look for details on her new book (technically, a chapbook) which is about to be published, "I Was Raised To Be A Lert."  If it's half as funny as her blog, you'll enjoy it immensely, we're sure.  We hope to see you back here again soon! 



  1. Pearl never disappoints! Great interview!

  2. Thanks, Lazarus, for the interview. It was fun!


  3. I love this because I got to see the sign for Bemidji, my hometown!

  4. I got hungry for pigs feet until I saw the 2nd pic ya know

  5. You said shat! I knew that word exsisted! That is very validating.

  6. Wonderful post! You and Pearl make a fine comedy team!


The LG Report appreciates all comments, thanks for taking the time; Karma will probably award you a winning lotter ticket or something. The "or something" being more likely. But thanks again!