Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The LG Report Responds To Reader Mail!

CAUTION:  Discuss your general health status with your doctor to ensure that you are healthy enough to read The LG Report. If you experience chest pain, nausea, or any other discomforts while reading The LG Report, seek immediate medical help.  In the rare event of an erection lasting more than 4 hours, seek immediate medical help to avoid long-term injury.


LG, this LG Report blog thing that you have going is quite a scam, how did you convince so many people to follow you?  - B. Madoff, Butner, North Carolina

LG: Hmm, I was going to ask you the same thing...

Hey LG, how did you get to be the best-looking blogger on the internet?  -  LG, New York, NY

LG: That's an excellent question sir, I really have no answer.

I'm thinking of making a run for the U.S. Presidency in 2012 and I'd like to kick off my campaign in a foreign country to get the most publicity.  LG, you seem very worldly and sophisticated.  Which of these three countries would you recommend that I make the announcement in: Africa, Amsterdam or Scandinavia? - S. Palin, Wasilla, Alaska 

LG:  Hmm, that's a tough one.  I'd recommend Africa, since I heard you mention on TV the other day that you're going over there soon to pick up some money from a banker.

Why are you so darn smart and funny LG?  - LG, New York, NY

LG:  Good question.  I wish I knew, I'd bottle it and make a fortune.

I find your humor very sophomoric and even downright moronic LG.  Why don't you play it smart and just hang it up, retire while you're ahead?  - B. Favre, Hattiesburg, MS

LG:  You first, Mr. Favre.

Can you please explain for us the climate change phenomenon known as "Global Warming" and its long-term impact on Mother Earth?  - A. Gore, Nashville, TN

LG:  Nah, too boring, even for this blog. 

People in my home state seem really down on me for taking my talents to South Beach.  LG, what can I do to bolster my image in Ohio?  - L. James, Akron, Ohio

LG:  Would you consider crawling through a doggie door for $5?  It would make people think you're really one of them and I could get a nice photo for The LG Report....

I've had a bad luck streak lately LG.  I was arrested for stabbing my wife and then I got caught with a hooker in my New York City hotel room.  She may have stolen my $150,000 watch, I'm not sure.  I put up a $25,000 reward for it.  In the meantime, what can I do to rehabilitate myself and my public image? - C. Sheen, Hollywood, CA

LG: How would you feel about crawling through a doggie door for $5?  I'd get your picture splashed across every newspaper in America acting just like one of the guys. 

I don't really have a question, I just wanted to let you know that I think your blog is just so awesome, the best I've ever read.  Keep up the great work!  - LG, New York, NY

LG:  Thanks, much appreciated. 

I need to rehabilitate my public image LG, and everyone says I should consult you.  And please don't recommend that old tried-and-true standby: "crawl through a doggie door."  I've already tried crawling through the window of my wrecked SUV and that didn't seem to work.  My wife was waiting for me with a golf club on the other side.  Any advice?  - T. Woods, Isleworth, FL

LG: Not really.  But if you come across a hooker with a $150,000 watch, I think I know where you can get a nice reward so give me a call and we'll split it.

That's it for today folks, see you back here again real soon.  Thanks for stopping by. 


  1. :-) Smart ass.

    I've had many of the same questions, although to add on to the one from C. Sheen, how in the world did he get a job acting anyway?


  2. When you're done answering your mail, send me that picture I'm waiting for! (And please, no Brett Favre stuff!)

  3. Hey LG - weren't you mentioned recently as a possible replacement for for one of the Victoria Secret models? Or was that just as their new masseuse?

    Were you the guy who cut me off in traffic last night?

    Who do you think is the lamest superhero? Aquaman? The Thing? I would say Tiny Tim is the lamest superhero. At least, until the end of the book, that is.

  4. John: I think this is the first time that I've ever responded to someone's comment but you sucked me in with the question about the superheros. I am not familiar with Tiny Tim so I'll say he's the lamest. And I didn't cut you off in traffic yesterday, it's been a few years since I was last in Utah. As for the Victoria's Secret models question, the answer is LG's Secret! Thanks for reading The LG Report!


The LG Report appreciates all comments, thanks for taking the time; Karma will probably award you a winning lotter ticket or something. The "or something" being more likely. But thanks again!