Friday, December 31, 2010

LGR Investigative Report Focuses On: Dog Farts

[Note: We were going to bill this as a joint investigation between Animal Planet and The LG Report, but we figured Animal Planet would probably sue us.  However, if Animal Planet now runs their own special report on Dog Farts, we'll sue them for stealing our idea.  Fair warning Mr. Dog Whisperer and friends.]

A lot of readers have e-mailed over the years asking why The LG Report hasn't done an expose on dog farts.

Fair question. 

Dog farts are very seldom discussed in polite company; they're merely swept under the rug like a smelly family secret (which, when we think about it, they are.)

Well folks, it's about time to shine a spotlight on this perfectly normal act of nature.

Men, in particular, should be interested in dog farts since they serve as such a handy excuse.

Wife: "Ewww, that smell is godawful, what crawled up your butt and died?"

Husband: "It wasn't me, it was the dog!"

They say that dogs are man's best friend.  That's not quite true: dog farts are a man's best friend.

Here's Jake, looking innocent shortly after unleashing Hiroshima2, his own unique dog fart.

A chemical analysis by the FBI (Fart Bureau Investigators) shows that most dog farts are a combination of the smell of feet, Limburger cheese, septic tank sludge and an NBA player's post-game underwear.  Times two.

How do you think Snoopy propelled that dog house through the air?

Jake is quite the farter.  If he were a professional boxer in a prior life, he would've been Gaseous Clay. 

The bad news: Dog farts are like a punch in the face from Death Itself.

The good news: The dilutive effect of a lit match on a dog fart is the same as that of a human fart.  So there is relief to be had.

LG's good friend Dannie studied in London years ago where his favorite pub was called The Match and Fart.

Actually, we made that up, but it's a much better moniker than the Pig and Plow, Goat and Farmer, Elephant and Castle or other such dumb English names.  LG had been waiting for months to work The Match and Fart into a posting. Glad to check that off the list before 2011 begins. 

Dog farts, as you canine owners know, have all the subtlety of a percussion grenade.

Sophie is pictured here shortly after letting out an SBD Fart.  We know you know what that is, so don't even pretend that we have to explain.  She'll frequently crop dust (i.e. fart while walking around) the house, a particularly smelly occurrence. 

There's not really much more that we can say about dog farts, despite the fact that you probably thought it was a very complex topic worthy of volumes and volumes of research.

Please allow us to leave you with this Pulitzer Prize-winning poem.  It's an LG Report original, but we're not claiming copyright protection.  You should feel free to inscribe it on pet tombstones, throw pillows, personalized greeting cards or anywhere else where appropriate:

They say that Lassie was quite gassy,
And Snoopy always smelled like poopy, 

Kids wouldn't so much love Scoobie Doo,
If they knew that he farts the odor of poo,

His cuts were so lethal that the famous Rin Tin Tin,
Had to confess his farts at church as if they were a sin,

Beer farts were the specialty of now-deceased Marley,
In fact, you'd swear all he ate throughout the day was barley, 

But the most deadly farts of all, which could make you puke,
Came from the butt of that big hound known as Marmaduke. 

When you woke up this morning, chances are that you didn't think you'd see the words "dog fart" in writing today.  Isn't life full of wonderful surprises?! 

That's today's posting friends.  We're sorry if it wasn't up to our usual sophisticated standards, we just thought we'd take a break from being intellectual for a change.  The LG Report will try to do better next time.  We had a piece that was much more interesting prepared for you, but our dog ate it.  We can't wait to find out what that will smell like..

Thanks for stopping by today.  We wish all readers of The LG Report a very happy, healthy and prosperous 2011!   

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