Friday, August 6, 2010

The LG Report's 50 State Interview Series Visits the Land of Linkin' (Park)

The LG Report is out in America’s Heartland, Illinois specifically, to catch up with Ben, the representative of “The Land of Lincoln” in The LG Report’s 50-State Interview Series.

An Illinois native, Ben graduated from the University of Illinois and is a partner at a big-time law firm in Chicago [Editor’s Note: We had to call it “big time” or Ben said he wouldn’t agree to the interview. But, curiously, he also said we couldn’t use his last name or likeness. Go figure.]

Ben in an important and famous lawyer whose client list includes British Petroleum, Osama Bin Laden, Bernard Madoff, the governments of Iran and North Korea, and Rosie O'Donnell.
Ben knows as much about Illinois as anyone that The LG Report could scare up on short notice, so we’ve chosen him to represent that great state.

Anyway, let’s get right to the questions:

LG Report: Ben, why do they call Illinois “The Land of Lincoln” when he was actually born in Kentucka and spent his childhood, or some appreciable chunk of it according to the welcoming road signs on Interstate 80, in Indiana? Isn’t this, in your opinion as a lawyer, a type of fraud? 

Ben: As honest abe would tell you, as would many other Illinois politicians, fraud is in the eye of the beholder. Of course the fact that Abe is buried in Illinois is a complete defense.

LG Report: What’s your favorite restaurant in Chicago and why? And don’t say “Pizzeria Uno,” because we all have at least one of those in our city, and while it’s OK, we ain’t getting on a plane to Chi-town to chow there.

Ben:  I suspect LG is fishing for a free meal with this one.  Isn't that how I was honored with this opportunity? LG appears to have quickly adopted the Illinois "pay to play" philosophy! Anyway, although the Chicago area has many "first names" in restaurants - Joe's for seafood, Carmine's for veal, Dave's for pasta, and Lou's for pizza - my favorite is Harry's for watching the Cubbies lose.

LG Report: Ex-Governor Rod Blagojevich. Please explain.

Ben: Like Louisiana, Illinois has a rich history of governors getting rich at taxpayers' expense. Aside from the fact that he is the only Illinois politician to ever graduate from Northwestern University (BA) and Pepperdine (JD), his real first name is Milorad. Do you remember what happens when you name a boy Sue?

LG Report: Our current president is from Illinois, or lived there for some of his life anyway. What qualities of his would you say personify an Illinoisan?

Ben:  Obama, another Chicago lawyer, represents a city which has won a championship in each of the 4 major sports since "Da Bears" in 1985. Is there another city which can make this claim? If not, you have the winner of the 2012 election.

The LG Report: Ben, the University of Illinois still insists on using a Native American as its mascot, Chief Illiniwek. Does he own a casino, and is there any chance that we can invest in it? Perhaps we should discuss this over a few glasses of firewater.

Ben: As you know, I am saving all my money to invest in the much-anticipated LG IPO. It is sure to be undervalued based on recent underperformance but the longer history suggests a strong recovery.
LG Report: People on both coasts of the U.S. think of Chicagoans as somewhat rough around the edges – “Da Bears!” – and not wholly intelligent/sophisticated/polished. What do you say to these right-thinking elitists like myself?

Ben: A Chicagoan runs the country, a Chicagoan runs a big-time New York law firm, and a Chicagoan ran the US Olympic bid for 2016... 2 out of 3 ain't bad!

LG Report: What one food best represents the great state of Illinois and why?

Ben: Chicago is known for deep dish pizza and Italian beef sandwiches.  My choice is the off-menu veal chop parmagiana served at Tuscany. Like most Illinoisans, it can take a pounding and benefit from the experience!

The LG Report: Oprah films her show in Chicago. Have you ever been intimate with her?

Ben: No, but I'm thinking Oprah is single, LG is single, and I have money to invest...

LG Report: Let’s say that internet icon Geo comes to Chicago for a visit and you’re his tour guide. You bring him up to the top of the Sears Tower (now called the “Willis Tower” but we’ll stick with “Sears” for our purposes since most readers are unaware of the new name) to the observation deck. If you wanted to make things interesting, would you lure Geo to the edge to get a look at Abe Lincoln’s boyhood home (which is in Kentucka, so it would be a pretty far-away sight) and then shove him off the building, or would you just pull out a penknife and slash Geo’s throat while saying “That’s how Stan Mikita used to do it in the old days with his sharpened Sherwood hockey stick!” before dousing him with gasoline and setting him on fire? Take your time before answering; we actually do have all day...

Ben: I thought Geo was a car.

LG Report: Finally, in closing, if you could revise Illinois’s state motto from “The Land of Lincoln” to something better, what would you come up with?

Ben: The University of Chicago has been referred to as "the place where fun goes to die." How unfair. Just because nuclear weapons were invented here doesn't mean you can't drink Old Style Beer and play Axis and Allies. From this day forward, Illinois should be recognized for its true strength where luck has no place and life's wonders can be experienced in "Pay to Playland".

Thanks for your time Ben, you’ve been a great guest. And thanks for not using our men’s room.

Please keep reading The LG Report and tell everyone else in your great state to do the same, we could use the clicks!

Until next time kids (we have a guest blogger rant coming us soon, stay tuned!)

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